Category Archives: Gortin
Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Derry County Board Interviewed FIVE Tyrone Celebrities Including Begley, Taylor and Cush
The recent round of interviews for the Derry manager’s job was described as being the ‘stiffest yet’ as Tyrone legends Dennis Taylor, Philomena Begley, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, and Jimmy Cricket finished behind Paddy Tally in the race to become the boss of the county’s footballers.
Tally, who hails from Galbally which has a Chinese takeaway and a convenience store, had to withstand stiff competition from Malachi Cush after the Donaghmore man told the Derry interview team that he’d also sing the national anthem if given the job, saving them money. It is reported that Begley and Duncan also offered to sing the anthem but lacked knowledge about the new rules the GAA is bringing in.
An insider informed us:
“Dennis Taylor impressed me with his jovial wit and he did the whole finger wagging thing, and that would be good for discipline. Jimmy Cricket wasn’t really all that interested but he was told to go anyway as he was from Cookstown and that’s only down the road. But we’re happy we’ve got the best Tyrone person we could get. What can go wrong?”
Adrian Logan, Darren Clarke and Kevin McAleer are said to be furious they were overlooked.
Tally is yet to name his backroom team but early signs suggest Omagh’s Sam Neill, Gortin’s Janet Devlin and Tom McDermott from Greencastle are in the running.
Warm Saturday Sees Spray Tan Carnage At Gortin First Communion
An outspoken priest has scolded mothers at a First Communion ceremony in Gortin for ruining their daughters’ big day by melting over their white dresses due to the hot weather.
Fr Derek Kneeler, 54, also lambasted the local spray tan salon which was offering a £20 full body spray First Communion special.
“These women were showing up pure orange. And with the hot weather and the heating on in the chapel, I could see half of them with streaks down their faces and struggling in general to see. Then the photos after were a disaster. The young girls’ dresses looked like Armagh flags because the mothers were hugging them. That salon should be burned to the ground.”
One father was suspected of having had a tan on but he denied the accusation, claiming he just drank too much Lucozade that morning.
Meanwhile, three potholes near Cookstown have been shortlisted for the next Wonder of the World.
Omagh ‘Hum’ Mystery Solved As Harte/Devlin Caught Boring ‘Spy Tunnel’ From Derry
The mysterious humming noise which has kept most of Omagh up at night for a week was finally resolved after the Derry management team of Mickey Harte and Gavin Devlin were caught boring a tunnel from Owenbeg in Derry to Healy Park to spy on pre-match team-talks in the McKenna Cup.
The humming noise, which had been wrongly attributed to wind turbines, 5G masts, Kevin McAleer, and the DUP, only stopped late last night after a miscalculation by Devlin. Instead of boring up through the home changing rooms at Healy Park, Devlin and Harte’s heads appeared in the middle of the dancefloor in Sally’s of Omagh. Ironically, the band was playing ‘Back Home In Derry’ at the time.
A tunnel expert from the town explained:
“This is a quite sophisticated tunnel boring machine (TBM) Harte was using. He’d need to be getting paid plenty to afford that. Cutting through the Sperrins is no mean feat, but no better man than Horse Devlin to drive it on. It also explains why we’ve only heard the noise recently in Omagh. Gortin was hearing it the previous week.”
Although Harte refused an interview, a smirking Gavin Devlin confirmed that there’s definitely gold in the Sperrins, ‘or there used to be’ he said whilst winking.
INTERVIEW WITH….Jennifer Aniston
TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA
Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?
I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?
Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.
ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?
Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?
To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).
Black Market Christmas Mass Tickets Could Sell For £1000
Police have warned priests and mass-goers not to sell midnight mass tickets on the black market in the run up to Christmas, as worried worshipers will part with up to £1000 according to a survey today.
Yesterday, three priests were arrested in the county for selling tickets for midnight mass at extortionate prices with one priest from Gortin throwing in a confession free of charge on the spot.
A spate of burglaries in Augher have been put down to desperate Catholics raiding houses rumoured to have tickets stashed away for the festive period.
A Vatican official issued a statement earlier, condemning the priests caught selling tickets after funerals and other services. Cardinal Schillaci added:
“This must stop. You should not be getting caught selling tickets for midnight mass, especially to the elderly. There are other ways to go about it. Selling tickets at funerals is despicable. Raffle them at an online bazaar or something.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican are considering a Pay Per View service for midnight mass for those without a ticket.
Parents Told To Wise Up And Stop Celebrating After Return To School Announced
Hundreds of parents across the county have been told to cease festivities after street parties broke out after the news that schoolchildren are to return to class full time from September.
Peter Weir’s announcement on the six o’clock was greeted with several audible ‘yeeeeeeooos’ in various townlands from grown men and women, with a serious lack of social distancing on show as drunken parents performed jigs and reels including The Waves of Tory and The Walls of Limerick.
PSNI rural expert Felicity Campbell warned parents:
“Wise up. For parents to be carrying on like that in broad daylight, drinking prosecco and their sad children looking out through their windows is disgraceful. Cookstown seemed to be the worst with the world’s longest conga line up the main street. We had to baton a crowd of delirious parents in Newmills.
With most children not having seen the inside of a classroom since March, many mothers have expressed delight at not having to wash the walls etc before teacher/class Zoom calls with this news.
Meanwhile, teaching unions have reminded parents that their annual gifts from graduating students in June can still be backdated when they return to work.
Brocagh Man Still Can’t Remember Where He Parked His Car Outside Coalisland Supermarket
Robinson, an hour ago
48 hours on, Brocagh pipe-mender Jody Robinson is still pondering where he parked his car after popping in to Springisland supermarket in Coalisland to buy cheap toilet rolls and a chicken in a bag.
Robinson, who has been standing in the outside foyer, thinking, since Monday, thought he’d parked it on the left hand side as you come out but isn’t totally sure. He refuses to walk any further in case people laugh at him walking around looking for it.
Mrs Robsinson, speaking from her home on the loughshore, maintains he’s too proud to ask for help:
“Jody is stubborn. But he’d need to hurry up as there has been no toilet roll for two days now and the children are growing weary of docken leaves. The chicken will be bucked too.”
Meanwhile, an entrepreneur from Aghyaran claims he has a method to cure car-parking forgetfulness. He has invented a car key which, when pressed in an emergency, shouts ‘I’m over here’ in an accent of your choosing. So far, the most popular accents have been Gortin and Plumbridge.
Schools To Show ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ As Detention Punishment
It has emerged that seven schools in the county are currently forcing detained students to watch ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ on loop as an effective deterrent against bad behaviour in the classroom, for anything up to two hours depending on the severity of the offence.
Parents have complained of their children being scarred for life or in floods of tears on collection, after having to sit through at least one episode of the current new series as punishment.
However, many schools have reported a marked improvement in behaviour for the first time since corporal punishment was banned in all educational institutions in the late 80s.
Cookstown parent Banty Sheehy confirmed that he’s all on for the new initiative, claiming that his son’s behaviour has now improved at home as well:
“I’ve threatened him as well with watching it at home and locking the living room door. This TV show could really change young people’s mind-sets and tendency to do bad stuff. 20 minutes of the programme and my young lad is begging for forgiveness.”
The Education Authority maintain that they will monitor the situation but added that hordes of screaming children trying to escape through the windows of detention rooms is not a good look for prospective parents and pupils.
Hilary McGettigan, Principal of Gortin Academy, explained that they will only use the ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ treatment for serious misdemeanours such as nailing rotting fish to the underneath of the teacher’s desk or calling someone a ‘bollocks’,
Cow Dung ‘Cooling Properties’ Might Curb Glocal Warming, Says Omagh Scientist
Cow dung on the inside walls and floors of houses in Tyrone, as well as in cars and offices, may be an eco-friendly vision of the future according to Omagh scientist John Graham.
Graham (61) maintains that spreading cow dung can reduce immediate temperatures by over 5 degrees within 10 minutes. He went on to suggest that it will eventually be used as moisturiser for anyone wishing to keep cool during sticky summer months.
“If my plans are heeded, I project that global warming will be halted for millions of years and might even recede. I covered my car in cow dung and never had to turn on the air conditioning once, helping the environment in doing so. People need to embrace cow dung and save the planet.”
Already, thousands of Tyronnies have been stocking up on cow dung for any imminent heat waves this summer, with many local pharmecuticals vying for the rights to patent new cow dung facial cooling sprays.
Gortin sauna-user Patricia McGrady (44) confirmed that she often uses cow dung on her face during sauna sessions:
“It definitely makes you cooler. When I use it in the sauna three times a week, it feels like I’m just sitting in a normal room. I hate saunas so this is great news.”
Meanwhile the pot hole on the Plumridge main street has been filled in with grass.
Dungannon Man Hailed A ‘Hero’ After Slicing Soda Bread Perfectly Down The Middle
A Dungannon bouncer was celebrated across the county today after it emerged he managed to cut a soda bread exactly down the middle with a kitchen knife before loading it into the toaster this morning.
Patrick McNally, who, coincidentally, was sacked three weeks ago from his job in a bakery in the town for refusing to ice a cake with “Up Coalisland” on it, admitted it was a result of sheer determination as well as staying sober the night before:
“I’ve been slicing sodas for 44 years and never have I managed to slice her right down the middle. Last week I completely missed the soda and stuck the whole side of it into one section of the toaster. I’m delighted. If I can do it, others can with persistence and staying off the drink.”
McNally posted his achievement on Instagram, earning over 300 likes and 24 comments.
In other news, a Gortin woman reversed the whole way to Fintona last night.
Shock As Early Drawing Confirms St Patrick Liked Beans With His Fry
Violent skirmishes have broken outside churches, parades and pubs this morning after it emerged that St Patrick not only loved a fry in the morning but that he also took a slap of beans with it.
The recent revelation emerged after a Strabane man discovered a drawing in his attic which depicted Patrick sitting down in a field near Dungannon, eating what looked like 3 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, a fried egg, a fried tomato, potato bread, soda bread and mushrooms, all drowned in a healthy portion of baked beans.
Bean apologist Maggie Graham (58) from Aghaloo admitted it changes nothing for her:
“I’ve always been a big fan of Patrick and the fact that he slapped beans on the fry makes him even more of a hero. Some of the anti-bean brigade need to calm the frig down. There was no need for the boos during Hail Glorious St Patrick song at Mass this morning.”
However, Cappagh resident Henry Harris (71) was less accepting of the news:
That’s it for me. I always had my doubts about Patrick and his affiliation with Gortin GAA and all, but the beans thing disgusts me. From now on it’s St Brigid or nothing. Any man putting beans on his fry has a major question mark over him.”
Police have called for calm after rival beans-on-fry gangs were engaged in a 3-hour kicking session near Edendork Hall at 9am this morning.
Meanwhile the drawing has been taken to a big house for inspection.
November’s Letter/Fan Mail Page
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN
DEAR MARIE
It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE
DEAR NOLEEN,
Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry. LIAM, STRABANE
DEAR LIAM,
I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK
DEAR STEPHEN
To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH
DEAR LEO,
Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST
DEAR BILLY,
100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.
JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .
Tyrone U10 Game Abandoned After Mass Brawl
A grade three Under 10 friendly game between Naomh Apollo (Drumragh/Killyclogher) and Naomh Creed (Greencastle/Gortin) was abandoned yesterday after over 25 primary school children got involved in headlocks, fly-kicks and uppercuts five minutes after the throw-in.
The referee, James Cullen from Rousky, was taken to A&E in Enniskillen after he passed out due to a rear naked choke by the 9-year-old full forward on the Creed team.
Despite the unprecedented scenes of underage violence, the Tyrone County Board have blamed mobile phones for recording the scenes in the first place:
“It’s a fact that if there were no phones then the brawls wouldn’t happen. I’d never seen videos of violence on a GAA field on a mobile phone before mobiles were invented. So it’s obviously the fault of the phone owners and their proneness to recording stuff.”
Several of the U10s on both sides were questioned by youth leaders after the game, with the majority unaware that mass brawls weren’t a compulsory part of the sport.
14 players from Naomh Apollo also jumped the fence and started kicking their own friends and cousins, with one father set upon by his 8-year-old son. Mr Towell maintains that his son will definitely make it onto the club senior panel within eight years after this show of savagery at such a young age, and maybe even make county.
Convoy Of Motors Head To Knock As England Progress To Quarter Finals
Strabane this morning
Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.
In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.
Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:
“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”
Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.
Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.
Tyrone Posthumously Named McKenna Cup Champions For 2018
By Aughohilly SchnifflesJust as we know the word posthumously in the title is probably used wrongly up there, we know Tyrone are officially the Dr McKenna Cup winners for 2018.
Following an agonising defeat a few weeks back in the real final, a comfortable victory last night over the same outfit of Tír Chonnail men saw Mickey Harte’s charges storm the Donegal changing rooms, using the codewords ‘Operation McKenna’, and take back Harte was overheard was “rightfully ours”.
Choreographed to a tee, former team member Ryan McMenamin gave us a few words afterwards:
“It reminded me of the Battle of Omagh here against Dublin only it was far better.”
He continued:
“Its the sort of thing match commentators would use the words ‘marred’ ‘disgraceful’ and ‘ugly scenes’ to describe it, only it was the complete opposite! It was beautiful, graceful, eloquent, planned and executed to perfection and pure dort lak. It was Lee Brennan who found the cup in Michael Murphy’s bag but Ronan O’Neill probably shouldn’t have left that ‘present’ in one of the other player’s kit bag.”
Dennis Taylor who chose this Division 1 relegation crunch match to be his first Tyrone game in 32 and a half years, also had a few words for us as he sped off in the direction of Gortin:
“It was very special to behold alright. I feel honoured to be here on this memorable night. It looked like something you’d see in BBC library footage of Saddam Hussein’s army. Military perfection. They were so well trained, and it was executed with all the precision and speed of Ronnie O’Sullivan’s 147 that time he lost the chalk… now we know how well trained Mickey has them and what he has been doing behind closed doors, and to think about all these losers who cry about us not having any forwards… it’s just class like”
In an unprecedented move the GAA have changed the name on this year’s roll of honour, scribbling out Donegal’s name and replacing it with Tyron (sic) maybe because the whole operation reminded officials of something from Game of Thrones.
Mickey Harte reportedly had a tear in his eye and had to be held back on the bus by the kit-man whilst shouting, “where’s that Sidebottom bollocks!”
Roll on the next match. Well done lads
Yellow Snow Warning Issued For Outside Sally’s Of Omagh Sometime Soon
The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably.
The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:
“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow. Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”
In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.
A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.
Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.
Entire County Of Tyrone To Be Airlifted To Mars
by Plunkett McJunket
Due to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.
The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.
American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.
“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.
At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.
Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.
Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying
“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.
To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.
A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.
New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
Tyrone Tribulations 