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Derry To Hand Moneymore, Ballyronan And The Loup Over To Tyrone
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
Moneymore from a distance
There was great wailing and gnashing of what was left of teeth along both sides of the Derry/Tyrone border this week after an unauthorised and possibly nefarious offer was made by a Bann Valley based website to hand over large sections of the Barony of Loughinsholin to the custody of the O’Neill County.
The exchange would see the village of Moneymore, the hamlet of Ballyronan and an unidentified entity described simply as, ‘The Loup’, secede immediately without any local consultation or financial compensation. A spokesperson for the website concerned explained;
“Luxy, we see this as the beginning of a rolling process. A quick look (very quick look) at the Annals of Ulster clearly shows that the entire barony was originally under control of the Earls of Tyrone and this is borne out in the nomenclature we still see today. Take for example the village of Glenone, the townland of Ballyfrankiequinn and there is a fella in Maghera who is sometimes called, ‘Hugh Roe’.
The spokesman denied accusations linked to 30 year old emails which were forwarded anonymously to Tyrone Tribulations that the entire plan was an elaborate feint aimed at giving away large parts of County Derry until the only two Gaelic football teams left in the senior championship would be St. Oliver Plunkett’s of Greenlough and Newbuildings outfit, St. Oliver Cromwell’s GAC.
“That’s a big pile a shite, we would never give up Bellaghy and risk losing its two principal natural resources, Starry Plough flags and potential poetry.”
We contacted our own legal team on the matter and they have advised us that nothing in law prevents such a transferral but cautioned that under a un-repealed bylaw of 1741, any such conveyance of territory would result in both counties being obliged to hand over their ‘Cladys’ to a third party, namely Armagh. That county’s solicitors, Diesel, Apples and Diesel, issued the following communique;
“We would be only too delighted to accommodate these villages within our boundaries. They would be such diverse additions to our already cosmopolitan collective. Tyrone’s Clady is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county whereas Clady in south Derry is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county!”
Understandably the good people of Tyrone (and the inhabitants of The Brantry) were more than a little suspicious that this deal seemed too good to be true but we have been assured that there is no catch. Portglenone.wordpress.com explained;
“In making this offer, we have only one small request and that is that we first be allowed to make a tiny alteration to the coastline of Lough Neagh…….
…..seems reasonable.”
Tyrone GAA Club Regrets Holding AGM In Pub
Windmill cheerleaders from 1959
A recently reformed GAA club revealed they will run another AGM later in the month after a raft of ridiculous motions were passed whilst committee members drank the bar dry on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Windmill GAA, who once terrorised gaels across the county , held their first AGM in 35 years at The Battery Bar in Ardboe last Friday night, running from 9pm to 1am and then in someone’s house til 6am. It wasn’t until members woke up later on that day that they realised they would need to have a second go at the meeting.
Some of the motions passed initially but under review now are:
- Rounding up a pile of women from the local roads on match days to act as cheerleaders for home games
- Rename the club as the Windmill Corncrakes
- Announcer calls out bingo numbers after every point is scored
- Dancing nuns at half time
- Encourage chanting in crowd..eg..’youse are dead’ etc.
- Priest to throw ball in blindfolded and then has to make it off before he gets kicked
- New club crest consisting of real cannibalism
Chairman Lenny McGuigan conceded they needed to return to the drawing board:
“Yes, to be honest I can’t remember any of those motions at all. We were blind drunk on brandy ball home brew. Let that be a lesson to all clubs across the county. Keep the AGM dry. But we used to have cheerleaders y’know.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA Central County have yet to ratify Windmill’s licence due to unresolved acts of depravity dating back to 1961.
Loch Ness Monster And Lough Neagh Monster Exchange Visit Not Going Well
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Monster from the Loch, wrecking about on the Lough
A number of locals along the Lough Shore have made several complaints to the PSNI following a series of disturbances caused by the visiting Loch Ness Monster.
The Loch Ness monster and the Lough Neagh Monster swapped locations for three weeks as part of a cultural exchange programme organised by UK Unite, a government initiative set up in 2012 to encourage regional communication and interaction between different social factions, such as schools, teenagers, and living dinosaurs.
Local woman Marian Jones, a paper plane aerialist from Ardboe, said,
“It’s a disgrace. That wee Lough Neagh Monster was never a bother, the shy wee thing. Come to think of it, you’d barely ever see it. Now that big Loch Ness thing has come into our quiet wee Lough, thrashing around, causing all sorts of hassle. There was all that handlin’ on the Lough the other weekend, with all them Girl Guides having to be rescued by boats and suchlike. They said it was because of the weather but it’s obvious it’s that buckin’ monster from Loch Ness, stirring up trouble”.
Tensions rose further after the monster allegedly ate three rowing boats and a jetty for its breakfast on Sunday.
“It’s just greed and bad manners”, said Bernie McGinty, a balloon inflator from Cookstown. “We left it out a few cattle and a couple of volunteers from Coalisland to keep it going for a few days, and it just went and ignored it all. Obviously our volunteers aren’t good enough for the fancy Loch Ness Monster. And he can’t even spell his name right”.
Scottish representatives from Fort William in Scotland have made excuses for their monster, saying that it is finding the transition into adulthood a challenge.
“Och aye”, said Hamish McTavish, “Wur Nessie’s going through a wee bitty of a difficult spell the noo. It’s nearly 4,000 years old, so it’s at that awkward age, ye ken. It’s very self-conscious aboot its body shape. Hoots mon”.
Local PSNI eventually succumbed to criticism for lack of action and issued an Asbo (anti-social behaviour order) on the monster. However, they encountered a number of difficulties trying to apply the ankle bracelet.
Education Board Release Unusual Tyrone GSCE Answers
The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.
Listed below are some of the answers:
Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.
Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.
Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.
Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.
Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.
Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth
Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..
Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.
Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.
Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.
Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink
Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.
Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.
Brocagh Man Bought Helicopter To Stare At Women, Court Told
Kirby walking the dog
There were scenes of shock amidst laughter in Dungannon Crown Court today after it was suggested to the jury that Paul Kirby, a 55-year old plasterer from Brocagh, bought a helicopter with the sole purpose of spying on women putting clothes out on the line. The case against Kirby has been brought about by ten women from the area who were increasingly convinced that the helicopter was not being used for ‘keeping an eye on invaders on Lough Neagh’ as Kirby was putting about. Imelda McGourty explained:
“The penny started to drop after the third or fourth time I saw this helicopter rising over the far hedge every time I bought clothes out to dry. It was too much of a coincidence. Then I remembered how oul Kirby would be walking the roads early in the morning. He was quite obviously listening out for washing machines and predicting when the clothes would be ready for the line. To give him his dues, he was spot on every time, the dirty oul bastard.:
McGourty’s neighbour, Kelly Davidson, was also in no doubt about Kirby’s intentions:
“I was sort of suspicious too about this thing rising up as soon as I brought the basket out. So I bought a pair of binoculars from Gumtree and managed to surprise oul Kirby by quickly looking up. I saw him, quite clearly, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. No more proof needed. I now wear a boiler suit when sticking out the clothes, and no underwear will be hanging up too.”
Kirby denies the accusations and maintains he’s simply protecting the area from pirates across the lough:
“You try to do something good for Brocagh and this is the thanks you get. I’ve been keeping pirates from Antrim and Crumlin at bay by flying this thing. Have they ever been attacked by looting shipmen? No! That tells its own story. And anyway, as the modern man will tell you, a lot of men put clothes out on the line now. I see Benny Campbell’s skinny white legs out every morning – and that does nothing for me. Sometimes I just use it for walking the dog”
Kirby has been ordered to retire the Robinson R44 Raven until further notice.
Derrylaughan Caught Training Lough Neagh Midges In Cramped Conditions
The Midge Army
Rumours of skulduggery in Derrylaughan were finally confirmed tonight as a police raid uncovered a midge-training camp on the shores of Lough Neagh. Neighbouring townlands had long suspected something untoward was going on down at the Washingbay, especially when it came to taking on the Kevin Barry’s football team in their patch. The PSNI pounced upon a disused barn at the corner and on kicking the door down found an estimated 900’000 midges being put through their paces by older members of the GAA club. Constable Molloy explained:
“We’d been receiving these complaints for years that the midges down there were attacking opposition players and supporters during games yet strangely none of the home crowd. We always put it down to the locals there having a distinctive odour which naturally repelled the creatures. Well, it turns out that things are much more sinister than that. We uncovered an evil training regime where the midges, living in what can be described as inhumane conditions, were being cajoled into attacking members of the opposition. This was achieved by watching videos of opposing players and making the midges fly straight into the TV screen by rubbing the screen with fish oil. Come match day and the tired and emotional midges were automatically biting away at the opposition in their colours.”
Further investigations were underway regarding the deployment of the bigger flies experienced down there, locally called the ‘pollan fly’, named after the fish distinctive to the Lough. Early signs indicate that special fertiliser was being used to make them bigger, offering the locals a quick, free and relatively tasty snack during these times of high unemployment and near-poverty.
“Yes, it appears that they’ve been getting the pollan flies to eat steroids. That’s why they’re so big this year and scaring non-locals from the area. The Derrylaughan folk have taken to eating the flies as a filler between meals. We’ve no qualms about their entrepreneurialship but we’ll have to start taxing them. You can’t just get food for free. It’ll kill businesses like Falls’ Shop or Springisland. I’ve seen lads freewheeling down hills with their mouths open, getting a bellyful of pollan flies instead of a wholesome meal at home. It cannot be good for you in the long term.”
Five Midges’ Rights activists will protest tomorrow night at the Washingbay against the cruel captivity of nearly a million midges. Reports this morning also suggest that a renegade group of midges have broken away and are causing havoc elsewhere.
Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers
Washingbay Road, Coalisland
This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.
Offers over £175,000
Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe
Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help, this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.
Offers over £80’000
Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory
This superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated. Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!
Offers over £45’000
Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally
This generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.
Offers over £30 or E50
Practical Joke Goes Wrong In Derrylaughan. Cattle Massacred.
An innocent attempt at a practical joke has ended in bloodshed as Katie Quinn’s entire herd were murdered in cold blood last night on the shores of Lough Neagh. With the hunting season in full flow, a group of shooters from Urney arrived in Derrylaughan after the news spread across the country regarding a gang of ravenous foxes who had been wreaking havoc around the general lowlands area. Quinn had been approached by the eldest in the Urney crowd, Larry Turner, to see if it was OK to shoot on her land.
“I thought it was good manners to ask permission. To be fair, Katie was very forthcoming and said that as long as we didn’t dung all over the place we were free to let loose on the foxes. She made one request though. I’d noticed a rancid-looking donkey standing behind a wall before she even mentioned it. She said that whilst we were out shooting, would we put a bullet into the donkey as it was too old, blind and lame and she hadn’t the heart to do that to Joxer who’d been in the family since Halley’s Comet visited in 1986.”
Joxer met his maker
Turner thought this was an opportunity to take a hand out of his fellow-shooters and told them that Katie had denied them the chance to shoot on their land. He also added that she was abusive towards them and said Urney was a hellhole full of wasters and bolloxes. He proceeded to tell them that he’d teach her a lesson and shoot her donkey. Little did they know that this was a prior arrangement between Quinn and Turner. Katie takes up the story:
“At first I thought he was a handsome young man. We came to an agreement that they could shoot on my land as long as they shot my poor Joxer. It was either them or the knackers yard in Coalisland and I wouldn’t give that shower a penny. I heard the shot and looked out to see poor Joxer drop to the ground, on his way to his eternal rest. What occurred afterwards will live with me forever.”
As it turned out, Turner was so convincing that, when he shot the donkey, the rest of his crew shot indiscriminately at all the cattle in the field in order to reinforce their anger at her supposed rudeness. The destruction was unimaginable as the field was strewn with murdered cows. One cow survived the ordeal and is currently receiving trauma rehabilitation. The Urney lads were chased down the Reenaderry Road but escaped up through Tamnamore.
This Weekend In Tyrone
A guide to What’s on in Tyrone for the weekend Sat 6th – Sun 7th October:
Suckin Diesel Debut In Clubland
New Moortown band – Suckin Diesel – make their first public appearance in Cookstown tonight. Describing themselves as a mixture of Eileen Donaghy music rapper-style classical jazz, the loughshore boys use only tools they picked up in one of their da’s sheds. Paddy Quinn is lead singer and also plays the chisel. Francey Devlin is on empty crate, Mary Hagan is on hammer and hubcap whilst the joker of the pack, Red Harry O’Donnell plays the welding mask and spade. More Power To Your Elbow, move over! They will also perform in Cappagh beforehand (see below).
Pomeroy Train-Spotting Convention
Tomorrow sees the 19th annual PTSC extravaganza behind the Post Office in Pomeroy tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. Although no train has passed Pomeroy since the late 50s, fanatics still gather once a year with binoculars and sandwiches in case they catch a glimpse of one that was running late perhaps. For thrills and spills, come to Pomeroy tomorrow morning. No mention of the hill/mountain debacle allowed.
Seskinore Peter Canavan Lookalike Competition
Last year’s Canavan lookalike winner.
The third Canavan lookalike competition takes place in the parish hall in Seskinore tonight (9pm). Last year’s winner Harry Tully is a firm favourite to win it for the second time of asking. Last year’s victory was all the more surprising as Peter himself took part and only finished third. This year’s winner gets a pound of mince.
Cappagh World Record Attempt
This evening (7pm, chapel car park), Cappagh will have the Guinness World Record officials in the vicinity as Peter Hampsey attempts to suck the diesel from 40 cars in three minutes. Using just a bit of plastic piping and a bucket, he’ll attempt to drain over three dozen family vehicles by sucking the fuel and letting it low into the aforementioned container. Police are not welcome. Sucking Diesel will perform their hit record ‘Tramp On, Boss” during proceedings.
Derrylaughan Healing Weekend
Derrylaughan GFC are staging a weekend of healings and cures at their well-being centre on the edge of the lough. Using the powers of Lough Neagh and the mythical curing properties of the Holy River, organiser Dermot Brannigan claims all ailments are treated from bunions, verucas and facial warts to consumption, laziness and having quare notions. Entry is free and only a donation of £20 is required. All monies will be used to get water for the Holy River which dried up in 2001.
Derrytresk Consider Relocating To The West
Derrytresk Townland Committee have called an extraordinary meeting tonight to consider moving the whole area to somewhere west in the county, it has emerged in the last twenty minutes. Listing a plethora of reasons, it appears that the move could take place with immediate effect or at least before Christmas. Committee member Alfie Fitzgerald was adamant the motion will be passed:
To tell you the truth we’re sick and tired of living down here. For ten months of the year the whole place is flooded, turning the turf to shite. Then when the sun does come out for a few days the midges have you ate alive as well as any flowers or plants you foolishly attempted to grow. Add to that you have the roar of the M1 up the road and those bastards driving the trucks from Tamnamore to Cookstown taking a short cut through Derrytresk, bucking up the road which is re-tarmaced 10 times a year. Plus there’s that noise the Lough makes on a windy night. Who in their right mind would want to live here? We’re getting out. Derrylaughan is welcome to it. Them boys would live in their own mess.
Derrytresk yesterday
Information on where they’re moving to appears sketchy at the minute and how the actual shifting of Derrytresk to another part of the county will take place. Fitzgerald attempted to clarify the situation:
Sure it’ll be no bother. Tonight we’ll draw up the names of all the families in Derrytresk and they’ll receive a letter this week informing them of how and when to get to their new abode. If we have to shift houses brick by brick we’ll do it. Myself and another boy has spotted an area below Drumquin on the map with no name on it. We’ll move there. Listen, the positives outweigh the bother of moving. We’ll be closer to Bundoran for holidays and maybe Mickey Harte will start picking some of our lads. He doesn’t like the East you know. That’s another thing, we’ll be taking the pitch, Church and school as well as most of the blackberries that haven’t been infested with them there flies that are enormous this year.
Derrylaughan Townland Committee chairman welcomed the move, saying they plan to use the extra space to build some kind of Loughshore Visitor Centre to rip off the foreigners or people from the south.
Moortown Baby Boom Remains A Mystery
Experts are still at a loss to explain why there has been a 400% rise in births in the greater Moortown area in 2012. With local maternity wards unable to cope with the endless procession of nine-month gone women lining up outside their doors on a daily basis, many women have taken to home births or just ‘seeing what happens’ on shopping expeditions.
The Primary School used as makeshift maternity ward
Birthing expert Dr Manhan Dling has been monitoring the situation over the Summer and is at a loss to explain the sudden explosion in the Moortown population.
“I’ve analysed what the women are eating, what the men are watching and unemployment levels but there’s just no correlation between anything. I do have a sneaking suspicion regarding the fall in Lough Neagh pollan and eel levels, with families replacing these pets with children, but I’ve no figures to support it.”
One local expectant who didn’t wish to be named informed us that ‘there’s not much else to do in Murtin’ and that ‘we’re sick of the X-Factor and Jonathan Ross and ghost-oh the pint is too dear in the Battery’. As a result, the local church has started work on an extension as well as an application to build a new school in the area, named after one of the Lawns though they haven’t decided which one.
Tyrone Tribulations 