Category Archives: Cookstown
Fish Supper In Cookstown Reaches £42. Credit Union Sees Rise In Loans.
The Cookstown Credit Union has urged chip shop owners to lower the price of a fish supper after it saw a rise in loans for Friday fast-food family meals.
One of Cookstown’s newest outlets, The Cod’s Pollocks, has defended the price rise, citing the cost of the newspapers to put the food into, as well as the price of the small plastic forks.
Shop owner Nemo Fisher fumed:
“People need to wise up and quit moaning about it. Sure everything is going up. I bought a tin of Lilt and a Marathon last week in a shop in Pomeroy and it gave me 50p change from a fiver. People don’t realise the cost of things. Sure the Guardian newspaper is nearly £5 on a Saturday and that’s our favourite newspaper for cods.”
Cookstown man Ray Haddock revealed he had to take on a part-time job this week in the evenings to pay for a rake of fish suppers he bought at the weekend for his son’s 7th birthday.
Unionists Lodge Complaint Against Colour Of Lough Neagh Algae
Insiders claim that a complaint by the Combined Unionist Collegiate is about to be lodged with the Department of Environment, complaining about the greenness of the Lough Neagh algae, proposing that it is injected with colouring to make it a bit more orange or even red and blue.
The algae, whose damaging presence has saddened many due to years of neglect by authorities, has become much greener this year, making it a real eyesore for unionists around the shore. Many have upped sticks and left for more inland areas, such as Ballymena and Moygashel, where the water is much less green.
Billy McIdle, leader of the Unionist Collegiate, fumed:
“Sinn Fein and the SDLP have allowed this to happen to wind us up. I was up in a helicopter last week carting pallets from Fivemiletown to Antrim and it was like a permanent St Patrick’s Day. It’s not on. There’s no reason why we can’t inject the algae with red and blue and make it a more equitable lough. Sure what harm can it do?”
Meanwhile, an eel-whisperer claims an eel told him they mightn’t bother heading to the Lough next year and might take a detour to Lough Fea near Cookstown to see what it’s like.
Tyrone GAA Offer Cookstown To Dublin In Exchange For 2 Points This Sunday
It has emerged that Dublin GAA have convened an emergency meeting tonight with Dessie Farrell to discuss the offer of annexing Cookstown for 100 years in exchange for 2 NFL points this Sunday.
Current debating issues surround the promise of multiple Floozies in Jacuzzis in Cookstown, and something to resemble the big spike in the middle of Dublin. Although there currently isn’t a big spike in the town at the moment, a farmer from nearby Tullyhogue has indicated he can build a 200-foot pole made from recycled tins and stuff.
Dublin officials are seemingly won over by the fact that Cookstown plays in blue, possesses a swagger, and in Owen Mulligan has a son who looks like someone who could have played for Dublin.
Although Tyrone are not guaranteed to stay up with two points, losing Cookstown is a gamble they’re prepared to take according to an insider:
“Let’s be honest. Cookstown is a sort of city anyway, what with all the discos and markets. And loads of the young lads walk around with bleached hair and their collars up. It’s a no-brainer.”
A sticking point appears to be Mugsy’s goal in 2005 which the Dubs want revoked.
Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
TT Alphabetical Review Of 2024 Part 1 (A-C)
A – Armagh. Where else to start but with our lovely apple-chomping, diesel smuggling, centre for ecclesiastical worshipping neighbours Armagh. Their second-coming has paved the way for a decade of Tyrone dominance just as they did in 2002. The similarities are remarkable. Sam in the Orchard has sparked new management in the Bushes, hungry Canavans, and a chance to ignore the traditional guard of honour in the league. Armagh are a bit like Moses for us. Or John the Baptist.
B – Brolly. You can’t keep a good man down. The highlight of the year was when the Dungiven dramatist launched a scathing attack on caravan owners whilst discussing the Mickey Harte to Derry situation. Despite protestations from his long-suffering partner, Dion Dublin, he labelled caravaners’ fools’. Quite why he hates caravans is unclear, though a friend in Knockloughrim told me he was dumped by a girl from Cookstown in the 1980s at a resort in Bundoran which might shed light on his distaste for mobile homes.
C – Cookstown. Cookstown held on to its claim as the longest main street in Ireland for a remarkable 211 consecutive years. Plans to create a bypass through the town have left locals on edge in case they cut the main street up a bit, but as it stands, like Armagh ones, Cookstonians can wake up on New Year’s Day knowing they’re still the best of the bunch.
Cookstown Annex Tullyhogue “in the interests of the region”
In a bold move, Cookstown has obliterated Tullyhogue, which it states is for the safety of the citizens of Tullyhogue (despite burning down the medical centre) and the stability of the wider region. They deny genocide.
Whilst universally slated, no one has done anything about it, while Cookstown sets its sights towards annihilating Newmillls, who they accuse of directing Halloween fireworks in their direction. The Tyrone County Board has been asked to intervene to help the Tullyhoguians but said that although Cookstown’s actions were reprehensible, it was nothing to do with them, but were since photographed shaking hands with Cookstown businessman Jacob McGurk who “makes great diggers”.
With many local counsellors up in arms, an emergency motion was raised to reinstate normal borders, but Mid Ulster Council vetoed the move, citing historical complications dating back to the 1940s. The council have also warned BBC officials that their reporting on the events will be ‘monitored closely’.
Cookstown, whom some have criticised for reacting a bit disproportionately to a window being smashed at an Orange Hall in their Main Street by burning down every GAA club south of the town within a 20-mile radius, stands firm in its actions saying it’s a matter of good versus righteous. They also claim to be open to a ceasefire, just after they’ve chased all natives from the area in the next few weeks.
When TT reached out for comment by locally elected officials, most ministers at Stormont were unavailable for comment, but we are informed they were dancing at the Glenavon and eating Cookstown Sausages, as that brought in jobs.
Derry County Board Interviewed FIVE Tyrone Celebrities Including Begley, Taylor and Cush
The recent round of interviews for the Derry manager’s job was described as being the ‘stiffest yet’ as Tyrone legends Dennis Taylor, Philomena Begley, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, and Jimmy Cricket finished behind Paddy Tally in the race to become the boss of the county’s footballers.
Tally, who hails from Galbally which has a Chinese takeaway and a convenience store, had to withstand stiff competition from Malachi Cush after the Donaghmore man told the Derry interview team that he’d also sing the national anthem if given the job, saving them money. It is reported that Begley and Duncan also offered to sing the anthem but lacked knowledge about the new rules the GAA is bringing in.
An insider informed us:
“Dennis Taylor impressed me with his jovial wit and he did the whole finger wagging thing, and that would be good for discipline. Jimmy Cricket wasn’t really all that interested but he was told to go anyway as he was from Cookstown and that’s only down the road. But we’re happy we’ve got the best Tyrone person we could get. What can go wrong?”
Adrian Logan, Darren Clarke and Kevin McAleer are said to be furious they were overlooked.
Tally is yet to name his backroom team but early signs suggest Omagh’s Sam Neill, Gortin’s Janet Devlin and Tom McDermott from Greencastle are in the running.
New Proposed Cookstown Bypass ‘A Bit Winding’ Admits Authorities
Road authorities have admitted they might have to stick a petrol station and cafe on the newly proposed Cookstown Bypass after realising they’ve added 16 miles onto the journey due to farmer disputes, rivers, soggy ground, potholes, and fairy trees.
Plans for the new bypass have also raised concerns about driver dizziness, with over 19 sharp turns over the 16-mile new road. Authorities have also admitted there is no money to fix new potential potholes in the area until 2028.
An irate Magherafelt man, who goes home through the town every day, fumed:
“What kind of a bollocks made that map? I’d rather sit in a 2-mile tailback for an hour than throw-up on the new 16-mile bypass full of potholes. I’ve seen smoother rollercoasters. It’ll be a graveyard for axles. And you can be rest assured the cops will be out making a fortune on tyre damage. Some of them potholes are meant to be going to be as big as small paddling pools.”
Work on the new bypass will begin in the new year when the digger man gets over Christmas. Tenders will also be put out for eateries on the new bypass to give drivers a break.
Cookstown Trumpet Player Invents Way To Breathe Through Anus.
A 59-year-old veteran trumpeter has found a method to breathe through his anus while playing the trumpet, allowing him to hold a note for a staggering 16 minutes.
Henry McCann, whose discovery will make it easier for all wind instrumentalists to play without taking a breath, claims he discovered the method while playing at his kitchen sink, bent over with legs apart, whilst looking out the window at the neighbour cutting her hedge.
“I couldn’t believe it as first and thought I’d ripped my trousers. It turned out that the way I was standing allowed me to suck air up my backside. It has revolutionised my playing and it has also helped my sinus issues. You just need to stick your backside out like a baboon and suck in.”
Scientists are looking into the claim and are excited about what this will mean for other developments including communicating through the backside.
McCann will perform his first 4-hour concert this weekend around the back of the Glenavon.
County’s Farmers Excited As Round Baling To Be Introduced At 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles
Farmers across the county were spotted training as early as 4am this morning after it was announced that round-baling will be trialled at the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles, with high hopes that Tyrone can win gold, silver, and bronze at the Games in the same event.
As well as modern round-baling competitions, there will also be individual events in mowing, turning, rowing, and traditional bale-stacking, although the Polish are favourites for those events.
Pat McGurk, a 61-year-old farmer from outside Cookstown, is adamant he’ll be in Los Angeles in 2028:
“I can do up to 500 round bales on a good day if I’m up early. I can’t see anyone competing with that, and I include the Chinese. I know there’s a man in Kildress who can do over 400 but I know for a fact he’s on the performance-enhancing drugs. His tractor also won’t make the cut as it’s one of them Big Buds from America and it has something like a 3000L engine.”
Tyrone haven’t won an Olympic medal since 1928 when Danny Talbot from Brackaville finished third in the poetry competition with the poem “Cock-Fighting On The Bridge”. His bronze medal was subsequently taken back after it emerged he had copied the poem from a school textbook.
‘The Middlin Boys’ Ardboe Male Dancers Disappoint Female Audience In Cookstown
Aiming to cash in on ‘The Pleasure Boys’ exposure in recent days, an Ardboe troupe of men, named ‘The Middlin Boys’, made their debut in Cookstown last night in a performance that was described as ‘disappointing’.
The Middlin Boys, which consists of 4 builders, 2 sparks, 2 plasterers, and a butcher, only performed for 25 minutes as one of the performers needed his inhaler. Another member of the group appeared to be drunk and sat on a chair drinking a bottle of Peroni and just took off his cap, throwing it up in the air, shouting ‘yeeeoo’.
A woman in the audience, who wishes to remain anonymous, added:
“Aye it was a bit of a let-down. After seeing them boys in Belfast at the weekend, I was keenly anticipating The Middlin Boys. They weren’t even middlin. It was more like ‘The Shite Boys’. One fella, I think it was a plasterer, just replastered a wall with his top off. He even took a break halfway though and ate a sandwich with a cup of tea. It wasn’t all that appealing, to be honest.”
The Middlin Boys will be performing in Aughnacloy tomorrow night.
Michelle O’Neill To Be Crowned At Tullyhogue In First Inauguration Since 1595
The O’Neill society of Tullyhogue and Stewartstown have confirmed that Clonoe’s Michelle O’Neill will get ‘the full works’ at a ceremony at Tullyhogue Fort as soon as Stormont is up and running again.
The site, which last saw an inauguration in 1595 when her distant cousin Hugh was crowned the O’Neill, is already being tidied up with a man from Cookstown heading up tomorrow with a Massey to mow a pathway to the ancient historical mound, despite charging an astronomical amount for the service.
One of the O’Hagan’s from Derrylaughan has already been chosen to place the golden sandal on her foot to symbolise her authority. The sandal will be bought from Tom Morrow’s in Dungannon, retailing at £69.99.
Music will be supplied by the harpist Terry O’Carlan who will play tunes such as Lady In Red, Changes, and The Heat Is On. A lone piper will lead O’Neill up the Tullywiggan Rd, through the cowgate and up to the mound.
Tickets are limited and can be purchased in Spar shops.
Four MLAs Fight Over Laptop Plug In Coffee Shop In Cookstown
Four prominent MLAs had to be pulled apart after they came to blows over the usage of a plug to charge their laptops whilst sitting in a coffee shop, Grinders, in Cookstown, which they visit every day for up to six hours.
Harry Anderson (SDLP), Loretta Campbell (Alliance), Daithi O’Callaghan (SF) and Norman Blackside (DUP) have since been barred from Grinders for a month due to the disruption caused by their riotous behaviour at the weekend.
Hugh O’Neill from Tullyhogue witnessed the ordeal:
“I saw this coming a mile away. Sometimes you have up to 20 MLAs in the coffee shop at any one time on their laptops for hours on end. To be fair, they keep coffee shops afloat at the minute. Anyway, there was only one plug left free and Anderson went over and unplugged the extension lead which was serving the other three. It ended with Blackside emptying a whole cappuchino over O’Callaghan. Luckily, Blackside takes a pile of milk so the burns were minor. And Anderson definitely called Campbell ‘an oul c**t’ “
Grinders published a message on Facebook warning any MLAs who want to come into their shop to behave or there will be a permanent ban and they’ll have to go to Stewartstown or Moneymore for coffee.
Harte Sets Sights On Reclaiming Cookstown, Ardboe & Greencastle Into Greater Derry As Well As Turning Flag Upside Down
A leaked document has revealed that Mickey Harte will approach Owen Mulligan, Brian McGuigan and Sean Teague to be the faces of a new ‘Greater Derry’ campaign, activating an old geographical claim dating back to 1782 to some of north Tyrone.
Harte has also approached Derry GAA HQ to ask if they would consider having the white part of the flag closer to the pole and promoting a new supporter chant ‘Derry, yer on yer own, sir’.
In a final demand, Mickey’s second-in-command Horse Devlin is to be given a caravan in Ballyronan for family holidays with spectacular views of the Lough, a free boat ride from the Marina once a month, and tickets to Dana’s next concert.
The family of Mulligan has revealed concerns that his hair has started to turn ginger again because of stress since the news of Cookstown’s possible move into the Oak Leaf. Sean Teague was spotted punching the Sperrin Mountains above Greencastle in anger, whilst Brian McGuigan has embraced the idea of becoming a Derry man if it brings more customers to the pub.
A third cousin of Joe Brolly from Maghera told us:
“This is like Barry McElduff donning a sash and bating a lambeg through Carrickmore. Rub it up them Tyrone ones. We might be inbred but Sam’s coming home next year. Derry amongst the bushes!”
The EU has offered military reinforcements for the Tyrone Derry NFL game next year.
Cookstown Man Blows Family Holiday Budget After Eating A Large Fry With 2 Pints At Aldergrove Airport
A Cookstown family have started a GoFundMe page on Facebook after their father spent the whole week-long budget for Malaga within an hour of arriving at Aldergrove airport, on a large fry and 2 beers at the airport bar.
Patsy Mulligan, who didn’t have cereal before he left the house, insisted that the holiday went ahead anyway despite only having 1 day’s pocket money left to feed himself, his wife and four children.
“How was I to know the price of a fry at the airport? And the beers were ridiculously dear but I was deadly thirsty. If people can donate to the page, that would be great.”
Mrs Mulligan, who worked overtime in Woolworths for the holiday, is refusing to give Patsy any of the pancakes she brought with her until there’s at least £100 in his Facebook page.
Mr Mulligan was also cautioned after fighting with one of the electronic robots that brings your breakfast to you, over the unavailability of brown sauce.
Funding Initiative To Rewild Tyrone Men In Swatragh and Dungiven Gets Green Light Despite Protests
Money has finally been released by the Department of Improvement to rewild virile Tyrone men in the heartland of county Derry in order to boost athletic achievement, despite rioting from local men who maintain it should be the other way about.
The idea, which was hatched in 2019 when Derry was at a low ebb on the GAA field, will see over 100 Tyrone men relocated to temporary accommodation in Swatragh and Dungiven, and encouraged to go to dances and integrate themselves into parish raffles, bazaars, and tombolas.
News of the release of funds was met with a riot between Dungiven men and local politicians who sanctioned the initiative four years ago.
Dungiven stalwart Gerry McGonigle fumed:
“Sure we’re better than them now. It should be the other way about if Tyrone want to be winning stuff. Rewild us in Cookstown and Carrickmore I say. I understand Swatragh getting a bit of help but sure all they needed was to have a few Slaughtneil men thrown into the area, sur.”
Several cars were overturned in the Swatragh area with graffiti reading ‘get back to the bushes yiz red hand bastids‘ daubed on a wall near Maghera.
Rush To Panic Buy Swimming Trunks & Bikinis In Cookstown As Barra Best Announces Winter Solstice
A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Brand New Second-Hand Car Dealership Opens In Cookstown Amidst Confusion Over Name
A Cookstown entrepreneur has defended his business operation from allegations of making no sense, after his Brand New Used Cars (BNUC) shop opened in the centre of Cookstown last week.
BNUC sold 20 cars last week, all described as ‘brand new’ despite having anything between 30000 and 200000 miles on the clock, with some needing a new exhaust or engine and nearly all with no working lights.
Paddy McClane admits it was a risky venture but is paying off already:
“See, what we do is we make brand new cars but we put in gear boxes that have been driven into shite or engines that have blown several times in its history. But it’s a brand new car because these parts have never all been in the same motor at the same time. It’s a no-brainer.”
When pushed on what parts are specifically brand new, McClane mumbled something under his breath whilst six large alsatians started to slowly move towards where we were standing.
Plasterers Top Sexiest Men Survey. Joiners Finish Last.
After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.
In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.
On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.
Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:
“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”
This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.
Tyrone Tribulations 