Author Archives: Gombeen
Police Warn Tyrone Residents To Desist From Outdoor Line-Dancing Battles
Coalisland Man Limbers Up
A source close to the PSNI’s Public Disturbance Department has revealed that every home in the county is to receive a letter outlawing spontaneous outdoor line-dancing battles which appear to be on the rise in the run up to Easter.
The impromptu challenges, which appears to have replaced traditional fist fights and brick throwing sessions, appear to be popular now amongst the 18-35 age group and often take place in alleyways and ramparts in remote country areas after midnight, often fuelled by a cocktail of alcohol and tobacco consumed at discos.
The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, added
“It’s getting out of hand. You’d find lads and women pushing each other, arguing over football or women, and then someone produces a CD player and before you know it you have full-on Garth Brooks blasting at that time of the night and drunken revellers trying to outdo the other with their line-dancing skills. It’s only a matter of time before someone is seriously hurt with a sprained ankle etc. At least with the boxing it was over quick enough. I’ve witnessed these dancing battles last over 3 hours. That’s a lot of Brooks.”
The letter, which effectively bans outdoor shows of line-dancing after midnight, indicates a hefty price will be paid for anyone caught challenging others to an impromptu dance-off. Our source confirmed:
“Already, this weekend, there have been three incidences of line-dancing battles in Brackaville on the Main Road, with hundreds of spectators blocking the road ‘yahooing’ and letting out screams of ‘yup, ye boy ye’ and stuff like that. It’s setting a bad example to children. What’s wrong with a box to the nose or are people too soft now? There’ll be £100 on the spot fines for anyone caught.”
The Tyrone Line-Dancing Committee have condemned any shows of spontaneous outdoor line-dancing challenges under the cover of darkness and have pleaded for people not to demean the good name of their discipline.
Cut Whitethorn Tree Smokes Out Cranagh Family
A Portsmouth-born man has admitted defeat to the Fairies after he was forced to abandon his recently-purchased house at the foot of the Sperrins due to smoke blowback from his chimney.
Hank Robson, a father of four, admitted he was repeatedly warned by an old woman from the area not to cut down a whitethorn tree which she maintained would annoy the Wee People who reside undetected around the Cranagh vicinity.
Robson explained:
“I just thought she was an oul crank as she always had a bottle of gin in her hand. She was screaming things like ‘the wee ones will kill ye’ and stuff like that from the top of a hill when she saw me sawing down the bush.”
Using the wood, Robson lit the fire in his new house but suffered dreadfully from blowback, despite the chimney being clean and there being no breeze. After seven days of the house covered in soot and a thick black smog in every room, Robson admitted defeat and will return to Portsmouth in the morning:
“What kind of a place is this? I thought the Conservative Party were bad but the Wee People have the area terrorised. And the worst thing about it is that everyone says they don’t believe in them because the Parish Priest condemns it but secretly they all do. I’m outta here.”
This is not the first time the Wee People from Cranagh have made their mark on intruders. In 2003, a Donald Trump golf course was built in the area with seven lone whitethorn bushes chopped down during construction. During the first round ever played on the course, seven players were killed by lightening whilst an American disappeared in a bunker. The course was immediately bulldozed.
New Clogher Range Of Emotional Whiskey Launched Today
After a series of rigorous scientific tests, Clogher Distillery have finally unveiled their new brand of whiskey with three distinctive after-effects depending on your chosen mood – crying, fighting or singing.
Distillery director Seamus Mulgrew maintains his whiskey will revolutionise pubs and clubs around the country, enabling bouncers to predict how the night will pan out:
“We’ve tested it over and over. ‘BLURT’ whiskey, if consumed with water, will have the drinker crying uncontrollably about emigration, the state of the country, dead relatives, failed romances or football defeats in their youth. ‘WARBLE’ convinces the drinker to think they’re a Grade A singer, like Tina Turner or Malachi Cush. Finally ‘SLAP’ encourages the customer to pick a fight with the next person who looks at them. With science behind us, bars can predicted whether it’s going to be a bawling or boxing match.’
SLAP whiskey was already tested out in Falls’ pub in Derrylaughan during a meeting of the Lough Neagh Anglers Association. Bar staff confirmed that a mass brawl of fishermen ensued, with rods inserted in places they wish not to describe in print. However, Clogher distillers were unhappy with the results after they found out that this was a relatively normal occurrence in the lough shore pub.
BLURT will be tasted tonight during the Ardboe Book Club monthly meeting at the Battery Bar, immediately after the 15-strong female readership discuss their book of the month – Dead Puppies In Heaven.
Finally, WARBLE has already been banned at wakes and funerals for fear of having to listen to 32 verses of songs about sons going to Amerikay and never returning.
All bottles retail at £39.99 with a shot costing £6.
St Patrick To Be Re-Branded To Attract All Communities
Early sketch for St Patrick rebrand
Following Arlene Foster’s comments that St Patrick’s Day was ‘too gaelicised’for unionist and loyalist communities, it is believed that Stormont have speedily passed a motion to re-brand St Patrick in time for 2017.
Early signs indicate that a bowler hat and a white horse may be added to murals depicting the Englishman who was kidnapped by Irish pirates and hated snakes. Omagh-born designer, Kieran McKinstry, revealed he has already submitted three sketches after being commissioned by the NI Assembly.
“Foster and McGuinness just said to ‘Prod him up a wee bit’. Foster wanted him sitting on a Lambeg drum but McGuinness felt that wasn’t very realistic so I decided on the horse and the hat. He already wore a hat anyway so it’s wasn’t too much of a stretch to visualise it.”
If successful, government officials will investigate the possibility of merging St Patrick’s Day and the 12th of July, maybe having it around the 14th of May and calling in Paddy Orangeman Day. Gertie Mullan of Dungannon was suspicious:
“Paddy Orangeman Day is a con. Everyone knows that if this happened the whole island will be stocious drunk that day, both sides of the divide, and then Stormont will pull a fast one and bring in water charges or internment or something with no one sober enough to argue or rally against it. They’re a pile of crooks.”
Meanwhile, recent papers found in a well in Downpatrick indicate that St Patrick hated the shepherding and was often caught lying down on the job eating fish and drinking rainwater behind trees.
Good Samaritan Mistakenly Buys Dirty-Looking Man A Fish Supper In Landi’s, Coalisland.
A 55-year old retired teacher has admitted to feeling awkward after she bought who she thought was a down-and-out stranger a fish supper when she saw him covered in dirt and licking salt from a napkin. It was only after a waitress brought him over his own order of a battered sausage meal that she realised she’d made an error of judgement.
Kitty O’Neill, who taught Sums at the local comprehensive school before taking a retirement package after firing a lump of chalk at a coughing child, subsequently left the cafe without her order such was her embarrassment. She explained:
“I just saw this man opening salt packets and pouring them onto a napkin and swallowing the stuff. He was covered in oil and dirt and I had all these visions of a man on his own walking the roads looking for someone to rest for the night. I thought he was a wandering tramp so I took pity on him and bought him a fish supper. Turns out he’s a local car mechanic who loves salt and was just waiting on his own meal. To make it worse I know him and he’s a miserly oul bollocks with money to burn.”
The mechanic, known locally as oily Olly, proceeded to eat both meals and washed them down with three tins of Lilt, without questioning the reason for the unusual gift. Mrs O’Neill added:
“I even set the meal down in front of him and said ‘God bless you’. He just nodded and said ‘right you are’ and started scoffing the supper. He didn’t even look surprised. When I saw his own order arriving I did a runner.”
Mrs O’Neill confirmed later that she went back that night and got herself a chicken burger.
Star Wars Episode VIII May Be Filmed At Balix Hill, Plumbridge
Director Rian Johnson has refused to confirm or deny that some of the scenes for the upcoming instalment of the Star Wars series may be filmed in Balix Hill near Plumbridge despite rumours that the new film will be named ‘Star Wars 8 – The Battle of the Balixes’.
Balix, sometimes named Belix or Ballix, has long been touted as the perfect location for a Star Wars film such is the out-of-this-world atmosphere and the remarkable number of natural C-P3O and Chewbacca look-a-likes in the area.
Set designer Harry Devlin is confident that the Star Wars production van will be pulling into Plumbridge within a month:
“We need to get in there now before the holiday season begins and the throngs of tourists start to flood The Plum, Cranagh and Glenelly. We’ve already done a few runs to the area and are pleased to see hundreds of natural Chewbaccas to choose from at short notice, from both sexes. And in Balix Hill we have the ideal location for inter-galactic battles.”
This is not the first time that Balix Hill has captured the imagination of the world’s top film directors. In 1966, Sergio Leone apparently filmed over 400 hours of footage in the area for his masterpiece The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. He admitted years later that he was forced to abandon filming and head to Rome and Madrid after failing to find anyone to play The Good despite hundreds of the other two roles readily available in the area.
Clint Eastwood however fell in love with the area and is often spotted during the winter months roaming about Glencoppogagh on his own with his trusty dog, Dog.
Tyrone Sportsman Casts Doubt On Sharapova’s Drugs Test
Drunk Tennis
An experienced Tyrone sportsman, who once ran, swam and cycled 12 miles in one day, maintains a mistake has been made with the Maria Sharapova drugs case. The Russian tennis superstar, 28, tested positive for meldonium, a substance she has been taking since 2006 for health issues.
Tony Cassidy (44) from Donaghmore maintains it’s simply impossible to take drugs and play tennis at any level, never mind competing in majors:
“This just doesn’t add up to me. I tried playing tennis in Portrush after about 9 pints and I missed nearly every ball that came over my side of the net. Any that I did hit went off the rim and straight back into my face. The game was abandoned when I got tangled in the net and had to be cut out by the fire brigade. So how the hell can this girl play world class tennis taking drugs?”
Cassidy, after a lot of technical analysis, believes it’s a ruse to cover up Sharapova’s lack of major titles:
“It’s a farce I think. Sharapova is probably worried she won’t be raking in the sponsorship because of her dearth of big wins so her team have concocted a story that she’s drugged to the eyeballs so wasn’t really fit to play these matches. If I played one of the Williams girls whacked to the eyeballs on dope or something I’d be bate 6-0 6-0 or maybe 6-0 6-1 if it started to wear off towards the end. Sharapova was winning the odd set so I’m not buying it.”
Cassidy wanted to remind sports people that drinking or taking drugs before playing games is not advisable unless you were an interested spectator watching a Cavan or Donegal game.
*Cassidy has since been arrested for swimming in Dungannon Leisure Centre whilst drinking margaritas.
Damian Barton Foiled In Dastardly Plan To Be Pitch-Side Against Tyrone
A drunk artist’s impression
Damian Barton, the Derry manager who has been given an eight-week ban as a result of his involvement in an on-field melee in the McKenna Cup final against Tyrone, has been caught red-handed attempting to sneak his way onto the sideline for the match against Tyrone again tomorrow night.
Cookstown plumber, Leo Padraig McCaffrey, who was fixing Barton’s bath revealed that the Newbridge man was in the midst of a cunning plan:
“I was unclogging Barton’s bath when I heard a man with a strong Ardboe accent in the room adjacent to it. Although I had a fistful of blondie hair in my hand, I made my way over and saw Barton in an Ardboe jersey saying “I’m Kyle Coney, ghost oh boys” and stuff like that. I clocked on straight away what this gangster was at and toul him that Coney doesn’t play for the county any more.”
McCaffrey explained how Barton became a bit flustered, denying he was up to anything untoward at first, and then trying to tease out of him who is on the panel but was injured at the minute.
“I was having none of it. He was getting more desperate as I stood there shaking my head and then let rip calling me a typical Tyrone bollocks and was foaming and spitting and stuff. I hope Mickey appreciates what I have done.”
Barton has denied trying to gain access to the Tyrone dug-out and has promised to sit quietly in the crowd tomorrow. GAA officials, however, are investigating a Derry sub who has been named as Dickie Rock from Magilligan.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Nesbitt has been asked to refrain from hogging the hospitality prosecco tomorrow.
Traditional Nursery Rhymes Banned From Omagh School On Health & Safety Grounds
Health and Safety nightmare
Parents at a primary school in Omagh are said to be livid after over a dozen nursery rhymes were outlawed at the weekend on advice from the school’s new Health and Safety Officer Hetty McCambridge from the Education Board.
St Kent’s in the town placed some of the most well known songs at the top of the danger-list including Rock-A-Bye Baby, Humpty Dumpty, Jack and Jill as well as Georgie Porgie. Children heard reciting the well-known lines will be suspended for at least a week pending an interview with their parents or legal guardians.
McCambridge explained:
“Rock (or Hush)-A-Bye Baby is one of the most horrific and nauseating stories I’ve ever read. Personally, I recall having nightmares of being placed at the top of a tree and ultimately hurtling towards terra firma in my cradle at the speed of light. What sick parent would tell their little darling that scenario?”
Humpty Dumpty has also been outlawed after fears children will begin pushing rotund classmates off walls hoping a royal army will arrive, or maybe just for a laugh. It has been banned under the category of ‘dangerous subtext’ as well as worries over the medical proficiency of these handpicked molly-cuddled soldiers.
The reasons for the banning of Georgie Porgie was less clear with McCambridge maintaining he was either homophobic or a nymphomaniac:
“This rhyme is promoting the kissing of random girls which can be very dangerous around here. The girls would do more than just cry. Also, the reason for running away when ‘the boys’ came out ‘to play’ seems a bit vague and may hint at Georgie running away from a group of boys playing due to some form of inherent prejudice. Anyway it’s not the sort of values we at St Kent’s want to condone.”
St Kent’s are also looking into ‘It’s Raining, It’s Pouring’ and its promotion of going to bed inebriated.
Windmill GFC Kicked Out Of Scór Quiz Over Cheating Farter
No farting at future Scors
Despite romping to an emotional victory in the Tráth na gCeisteanna section of the Ulster Scór final, the newly reformed Windmill GFC were subsequently kicked out of the competition after video footage confirmed a club member in the audience strategically farted on the correct answer every time during the multiple-choice round.
In an exciting contest, the East Tyrone side appeared to emerge victorious by one point over a determined Mayobridge quiz team from County Down, who will now progress to the All-Ireland finals in place the shamed Windmill.
Rumours of skulduggery began to emerge three questions into the 10-question multiple choice round when a loud fart was heard for the third time amongst the large Windmill contingent in the audience. Keen observer Leo Wallace from Bellaghy added:
“I found it odd when the first three rifts miraculously occurred on the correct answer each time. I was keeping a close eye this time and sure enough it happened again. When asked ‘What is the capital of Oman?’ I saw a Windmill supporter on his mobile phone Googling the answer, then shift into position and let rip when the question master offered ‘Muscat’ as one of the options. It was blatant cheating but also you had to admire the man’s ability to produce the wind on demand.”
On leaving the hall, the suspect was taken aside and over a dozen opened tins of beans were found inside his satchel. The offender maintained the beans were for his asthma.
On inspection of the video footage, the evidence became undeniable and the Scór committee had no option but to strike Windmill’s achievement from the record books. The club have also been asked to foot the bill for air fresheners for the hall.
More Evidence Of Anti-Ulster Bias After Enda Kenny Declares Mayo All-Ireland Whingeing Champions
Calls have been made from various senior figures in Ulster for Enda Kenny to withdraw the remarks he made last night at a Fine Gael rally in Castlebar when he described the locals as All-Ireland Champions in whingeing.
The Taoiseach, who hails from Castlebar and played Gaelic football for his local club Islandeady, was referring to those who keep moaning about not having enough money and stuff and complaining about banks etc but appears to have bestowed the accolade of national champions without producing any definite evidence.
Fergal Jordan, a fourth cousin of Mickey Harte, fumed:
“This is just typical of the anti-Ulster prejudice that exists down there in Dublin. Has Mr Kenny ever sat on a wall in Fintona and listened to the brilliant whingeing we can do? Too warm, too cold, too poor, too rich, bad TV, young ones nowadays, priests, police, politicians, celebrities, cakes, Garth Brooks, price of coal, global warming, dentists, doctors, death….we can whinge as good as anyone in Ireland and we’ll stand up to anyone who says anything else.”
Jordan, who complained about the length of time this interview was taking, added:
“And was there a back-door system in place? Who did Mayo beat to become All-Ireland Champions? How much money were the Dubs given to improve their whingeing? And I hear Mr Kenny said something about the cynical whingeing in the north, suggesting we’re not really whingeing at all but putting it on. If Mr Kenny maybe did a bit of canvassing up here in Tyrone he’d not be so rash to award his home county with that prestigious title. And by the way, we’re all fine Gaels, not just him and his party.”
Sinn Fein have been asked to boycott future RTE debates until Mr Kenny apologises for the remark and holds an open All-Ireland Whingeing Championship with full provincial and back-door draws.
New East Tyrone Film Club Society Savages Classics
Wooden performance from Carrickmore midfielder lookalike
The minutes from the monthly meetings of the new East Tyrone Film Club Society (ETFCS) paints a disappointing picture after their ’12 Months of Classics in 2016′ theme failed to impress members, with many supposed epics slaughtered by the 20-strong film viewing group.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to get an official copy of the minutes which makes grim reading for the world’s top film directors and actors:
JANUARY (Jan 2nd): FRANKENSTEIN (1931) – RATING 1 STAR OUT OF 10
Pure dung. The monster wasn’t even called Frankenstein. No scary bits at all, no rocking chairs or machetes or big noise effects. Just a man making another man out of body parts and ballsing it up and then kills him. Well, we think he did because we turned it off after an hour and watched Match of the Day. Do not buy this film. Black and white too. The monster looks more like a Carrickmore midfielder than a notorious villain. And his acting was terrible. Just grunted and hardly moved.
FEBRUARY (Feb 1st): JAWS (1975) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10
Absolute bollocks. A middlin-sized shark torments the people of America. Then these men get in a questionably-sized ‘boat’ to tackle the killer fish. We’ve seen bigger vessels struggling with a shoal of perch on the Lough. They get drunk and one supposed expert gets ate by the fish and the other man kills it, with the older man already in its belly, by making it swallow a barrelful of diesel and shoots it. All it really needed was good bait and a big net according to some of our Ardboe members. 20 mins done and dusted they reckoned, even including the time for drinking. These amateurs deserved to get ate. True story.
MARCH (Feb 20th): E.T. (1982) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10
Complete balls. This ugly-looking craytur arrives in America and a young lad hides it. Totally unrealistic. The thing learns the English language in minutes and can weld things with its finger without using an eye-shield or any protective clothing. Then the cops come and try to kill it but he survives and moreorless tells the lad that he’s mental, pointing at his head and saying ‘I’ll be right here‘ which many of us interpret as the lad showing early signs of dementia and the alien lad knows it, if he exists at all. A spaceship arrives miraculously and takes the thing home. We found ourselves booing.
Next up for Easter: Schindler’s List
Craigavon To Get Three More Roundabouts To Qualify As World Heritage Site
Craigavon last Sunday
Tyrone Tourism Chairman Conleth Mackle has described as ‘cynically dangerous’ the decision to award Craigavon three more roundabouts, bringing their total to 20 which enables the area to become Ireland’s 4th National Heritage Site and Ulster’s second after the Giant’s Causeway.
The settlement in north Armagh, constructed in 1965, will qualify for the accolade by UNESCO under a number of categories:
- “represents a masterpiece of human creative genius and cultural significance”
- “exhibits an important interchange of human values, over a span of time, or within a cultural area of the world, on developments in architecture or technology, monumental arts, town-planning, or landscape design”
- “is directly or tangibly associated with events or living traditions, with ideas, or with beliefs, with artistic and literary works of outstanding universal significance”
Mackle remained unconvinced:
“This is Arlene Foster at her work again. Tyrone has the crosses at Ardboe and Donaghmore but she’d rather see a Tricolour over City Hall than Tyrone get a World Heritage Site. It’s a cynical decision to build three more roundabouts at Craigavon. Masterpiece of human creative genius my arse. I’ve had better ideas after a night out in Tomneys. “
Mackle also believes the decision was not put through a vigorous risk assessment plan:
“Every week we hear of families stuck on those roundabouts for over 4 hours. It’s a long-lasting traumatic experience for children and now they’re throwing three more on. This’ll see off many elderly Sunday drivers who’ll maybe have heart or incontinence issues, many of whom will never be seen again once lost in that labyrinth of roundabouts.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk’s application to become a World Heritage Site failed after the flooding dried up during the inspection process, revealing hoses with running water left by locals hoping for a big grant by UNESCO.
McElduff To Build A Wall Around Pomeroy And Make Them Pay For It, If Elected
Barry McElduff, who has been labelled ‘The Irish Trump’ due to his uncanny ability to maintain an impressive mop of hair, has strengthened his likeness to the American Republican candidate after an insider confirmed he will offer to have a wall built around Pomeroy and make the Pomeranians fork out for the manpower, bricks and mortar, if elected.
McElduff has reportedly hidden a deep resentment of the village since 1980 when he, as a goalkeeper, conceded 16 goals in an under-14 game against Pomeroy, with seven goals scored by his cousin Deirdre. His election manifesto is to include taxing Pomeroy citizens £300 a year each to build the wall which will be managed by McAleer and Rushe.
Pomeroy pensioner Larry Devlin believes the Aghagogan politician must be stopped:
“Him and Trump are some bedfellows. Both mad republicans, the gift of the gab and admittedly eye-candy for the housewives. But the wall idea is one similarity too far. There’s talk that we’ll only be able to leave for hospital emergencies and a one-week summer holiday as long as we remain at least 5 miles from Carrickmore at all times. I just wish Deirdre McElduff had taken it easy that day but we were short of numbers and she’s a fierce competitor.”
Remarkably, some Pomeranians have welcomed McElduff’s plans and revealed they intend to vote for their arch-nemesis. Builder Felix McGeary (39) revealed:
“This wall will take about 18 months to build. That’s a year and a half of solid work if McAleer and Rushe take us on and then add on another six months of normal delays and stuff. I know we’re being taxed in Pomeroy to pay the workers to build this but if we work on it ourselves then we get our money back, so in your face McElduff.”
McElduff will also reportedly promise ‘to take care of women’ in his manifesto although no one was able to explain what he meant by this.
Urney To Be Twinned With Megan McKenna
Strabane’s deadly rivals on the field and life in general, Urney, made a double announcement this morning after their tourism office confirmed the townland is to be twinned with Megan McKenna. Additionally, the parish are to ask the reality TV and Strabane-hating star to turn on their Christmas lights in 2016.
McKenna, who angrily revealed her distaste for the Strabanese people on Saturday night before hopping on an Easyjet to London to tell her friends about the savages she encountered in west Tyrone, is the first person to be twinned with another town, highlighting the high regard she is held in around the greater Urney area.
Urney mayor Seamus McGlattery added:
“This McKenna blade is a sound judge. She’s just vocalising what we Urneyites have known for centuries – the Strabanese are a sub-standard breed. And she was only there for a couple of hours. She’s a shrewd character and we’re happy to have her turn on our lights this Christmas. We’ve never had lights before, and sometimes we forego Christmas completely, but by God we will go all out this year.”
McGlattery confirmed that the townland committee stopped short of renaming the Urney Road ‘McKenna Lane’ but revealed they’ll reconsider the decision on an annual basis as long as the Celebrity Big Brother star maintains her verbal war on Strabane for another few months.
“To be honest, none of us had heard of this girl until Sunday morning but sure wasn’t that the same with Moses, Elvis and Pele. These people announce their greatness on the world with one piece on genius and that McKenna girl just had her Mount Sinai moment at the weekend.”
Urney Ladies GFC have decided to rename their team ‘Urney St Megan’s’ for the coming year as a mark of respect and gratitude.
Mortified Tyrone Priest Receives Boxes Of Condoms From Late Late Show
A County Tyrone priest, who won two tickets to be in the audience in The Late Late Show at the Parish Christmas Bazaar, is said to be in hiding after arriving back with 16 boxes of condoms which were given to everyone in the audience by Ryan Tubridy. Fr McCaughey’s maid, who was made to carry the gift into the priest’s car and house, was also said to be ‘beetroot’ over the incident according to neighbours in Tattyreagh.
The Valentine’s Day special episode of the popular RTE show also awarded boxes of chocolates to everyone in the audience, heightening the awkwardness of the situation for the Omagh-born clergyman, who elected to bring his long-serving maid Mary Quinn to the show as his partner.
Fellow spectator and bachelor Kieran Kelly from County Meath confirmed it was a show from hell for the man of the cloth:
“I was sitting beside Fr McCaughey when Tubridy announced it was a Valentine’s special. He muttered something like ‘Ah bollocks’ and tried to leave but they wouldn’t let him budge. I saw him fiddle with the collar a few times but it seemed to be stuck too. It was an unfortunate scenario for the man and the maid, Mary.”
On leaving the studio, all members of the audience were given their chocolates and contraceptives, with the Tattyreagh parish priest attempting to escape the ordeal. Unfortunately, accepting the gifts is compulsory and the pair had to walk a mile to their car holding boxes of Milk Tray and Durex, much to the dismay of elderly Dubliners out walking.
After receiving a torrent of abuse from disgusted onlookers, according to eye witness reports Fr McCaughey tried to explain how to got them but was drowned out by cries of ‘dirty bastard’ and ‘go on yis pair of hoors’.
Tattyreagh Parish confirmed today that the Durex boxes will be donated to any Protestants in the greater Omagh area if they want them.
PSNI Cutbacks See Cops Use Real Hairdryers And Guessing
New PSNI recruits
PSNI officials have confirmed that recent budget-tightening constraints have resulted in many officers using ghd Deluxe hairdryers and just guessing how fast cars have been going by counting in their heads how long it took for each motor to get from tree to tree or sometimes a lamp post to a fence.
Chief Inspector Kingsley Warrington admitted they haven’t always managed to get speeding estimates spot-on:
“A woman of 85 was done for doing 105mph in a 1988 Mini near Dungannon and I was immediately suspicious. It emerged that the Officer in question, when counting, sneezed twice and didn’t take that into consideration, marking the pensioner down for completing a quarter of a mile in 4 seconds. We’re looking to tightening this up a bit.”
This police force have come under further criticism when a male member of the Service was seen drying his hair with their new make-shift speed camera after a torrential downpour. Also, many tax payers maintain cheaper hairdryers could easily be purchased from Argos or Tesco. CI Warrington responded:
“I don’t think we’d be taken seriously if we were seen brandishing a Lidl hairdryer. The ghd brand are respected across the planet and if someone is done for speeding, they’re more likely to accept the charge when they see the new ghd aura® hairdryer for speedy ultimate root-lifting volume & super smooth shine. With two breakthrough innovations in technology, ghd aura offers a truly new drying and styling experience that delivers the ultimate in luxurious volume and a smooth, shiny finish. And 6 penalty points.”
PSNI officials have denied they’re to commence a new cost-cutting breathalyser initiative which sees officers sniffing the breath of suspect drink drivers and guessing how many pints they’ve had and then getting them to sing ‘I Will Survive’ into a karaoke machine.
Edendork Man Extradited To US – Part Of New Netflix Series
Unlikely that Avery has been to Edendork bingo
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Edendork man Steven Avery is currently undergoing extradition to the United States in a bizarre twist to the new series of Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, Tyrone Tribulations can reveal.
It is understood he shares the same birthday with the man of the same name made famous by the TV series. Three other Stevens from Edendork have already handed themselves into PSNI, believing they could get a free trip to America out of it.
Avery, known locally as ‘the birdman’ because of all the crows he keeps in cages at his ma’s house, maintains he received the moniker because he is ‘lethal with the weemin’ and has a very limited learning ability which he attributes to being told he had to ‘pay’ attention at school, and wouldn’t spend Christmas. His communion money is reportedly still in an envelope marked “do nat titch“.
It is understood that the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s department are interested in pursuing charges against the former Hoops U8 full-back, and have taken DNA samples from him. After the 5th round of DNA testing, it appears he may not in fact even be human at all.
Charges are in relation to a mini van he has up on Autotrader, for a bargain price labelled simply ‘1 previous lady owner.’ Avery’s outlook is bleak at present, as his barrister is himself currently in police custody for sending dirty pictures to a hape of his other clients.
With Avery, who cuts the grass for Edendork GAC, now leaving the country and likely facing a long prison stretch, the club may not be able to field a team at any home fixtures this year. The Tyrone County board may relegate them straight to Division 4, along with Errigal fourths and Benburb. Club notes included words to this effect finished with simply ‘sheep wanted’.
Embarrassingly, management of Chieftain manufacturing in Edendork have completely misunderstood the situation and have subsequently ended up on an Indian reserve in Wisconsin smoking a peace pipe with Big Littlehorn’s tribe. Local SDLP councillor Simon Wallace joined the Chieftain entourage, and has appealed for “no violence or protests or anything”.
Rumours that McAleer and Rushe have been contacted to sponsor the Manitowoc County cheerleading team have been rubbished, despite company reps being recently spotted on a night out with a selection of those cheerleaders.
In unrelated news, it is believed the new Edendork gym has the missing snowball bingo money stuffed into the weights and weights benches. Committee members were unavailable for comment on the matter.
Greencastle Residents Offered Gold Teeth By 2018. Rejected.
Greencastle woman?
In a desperate bid to placate the anti-mining supporters in the Greencastle area, an offer of gold teeth for every resident has been proposed by a joint Stormont/Dentistry Association organisation. The offer, however, has been rejected by a majority decision after three nights of deliberation and forceful arguments which also saw a minor brawl on the Crockanboy Road involving bits of wood, turf, three dogs and a pellet gun.
The use of cyanide has been a contentious issue in the gold-mining proposals at the foot of the Sperrins, with many believing that the long-term effects are unproven and potentially unsafe. Local traveller, Kieran Donnelly, travelled to Finland to speak to residents of a village which experienced gold-mining recently:
“There was a definite side-effect. I couldn’t understand what any of them were saying and not one of them was for Clones in May. But their gold teeth was something to behold. I’d be rightly tempted by that – heading to a disco and the Kildress ones being jealous of our teeth. But, I suppose gold teeth are no good to you if you’re riddled with the consumption because of the cyanide.”
The 3-day debate over the offer of gold teeth appears to have revolved around a certain Diarmuid Devlin who seemingly convinced several friends that cyanide might have similar properties to kryptonite and, if fed under strict conditions to the senior football team, might make them giants and win the senior championship.
Devlin backed down when told that Superman wasn’t real and anyway if he was he’d probably get out of Greencastle straight away and head to warmer places like Bundoran or Downings.
Tyrone Tribulations supports Greencastle Says No To Cyancide.
Stormont To Change R & L Driving Plates After Sectarian Attacks On Inexperienced Drivers
Learner driver or Loyalist?
Government officials are this week to debate new letterings for learner and restricted drivers after a spate of attacks on inexperienced drivers has been blamed on an online rumour that L plates were used by Loyalist drivers and R plated cars were owned by Republicans.
Transport Minister Martina Mulgrew believes that a new lettering system will put an end to cars being egged and sometimes given the middle finger to:
“Somebody started this rumour about the Illuminati and stuff and that R plates were used by rampant republicans whereas L plates were only used by Loyalist fanatics and that only a few people knew about it. The way young people are now, they believed it straight away without questioning it because it was on the Internet. My son was using an R plate recently and couldn’t understand why he was getting the middle finger from everyone when he drove up the Shankill Road. Even the lollypop lady called him a fenian bastard.”
The newly proposed system intends to replace R with NG (nearly good) and L with BD (bad driver). Local social standards commentator Linda Farrell insists the new system isn’t politically correct enough:
“Being labelled a BD (bad driver) will make them a target for bullies and sneerers. It could easily stand for Bob Dylan, behavioural disorder or Big Dick. You’re opening a can of worms here. Then NG could be interpreted as nice girl or Nazi Germany. We need more time to think this over.”
Meanwhile, a move to force motorists to drive on the right side of the road in Fintona, Fivemiletown and Augher from tomorrow as part of a plan to gradually phase the whole county over by 2020, has been described as a brilliant idea by a man in Clogher.
Tyrone Tribulations 