Category Archives: Brocagh
East Tyrone Women Frustrated By Missing Paddy Heaney Column
East Tyrone women, weak at the knees right now
70% of women in East Tyrone were said to be distraught this week following the decision by The Irish News to give Paddy Heaney a break from writing his column last Tuesday.
Heaney’s ‘Against The Breeze’ slot is said to be a firm favourite with women from Ballinderry right down to Derrytresk with sales on Tuesdays doubling that of a normal day, with some comparing it to ’50 Shades of Grey on tap’. Paddy’s dreamy middle-aged looks and suggestive smirk has long been the bane of many husbands in mid-Ulster, with any form of marital communication a write-off on a Tuesday. Mary Muldoon, a 45-year old school cook, maintains this has been the longest week of her life:
“When I woke up on Tuesday to find 32 text messages and missed calls on my phone I knew something was up. I could feel the blood draining from my forehead as the horrible truth was laid bare in front of me. Disbelieving, I walked down to the Spar to get the paper anyway. Alas, it was true. No Paddy Heaney this week. I only had to look around me to witness at first hand the effect this man has on us women down here. Bernie McGahan was crying at the meat counter. Denise Molloy was buying wine at that time of the morning. Two of the McGoreys were fighting over cooked ham. We all hit the drink by midday. It was carnage.”
Reports suggest that husbands and boyfriends frantically searched their recycling bins in order to placate their partners with old Tuesday editions of the paper but Muldoon admits it wasn’t the same:
“To be fair, my Harry tried his best to comfort me. But looking at old pictures of Paddy isn’t the same. We need fresh pictures, with the new smell of the paper wafting off his alluring mop of Oak Leaf hair. Oh Paddy, never do this to us again. Seriously, The Irish News need to give us a firm warning a few days beforehand that we’ll not be getting our Paddy-fix on any given week. Kitty Tougher from Brocagh drove the whole way to Belfast to sit outside The Irish News on Tuesday just to get a look at him, and him in Majorca probably with some oul money-grabbing bint.”
Heaney has yet to comment on his missing column but there was woman rejoicing along the loughshore this morning as he appeared in today’s paper, with Paddy reportedly looking particularly handsome.
Brocagh Badger-Burgers Off The Shelf. Might Contain Skunk.
Brocagh badger burger
Following the recent horse-meat debacle crippling Ireland’s taste buds, it has been revealed that local East Tyrone supermarkets and corner shops have withdrawn Brocagh badger-burgers from the shelves following rumours that there was possibly a taste of skunk off their produce in a few houses around Mountjoy. Despite being a staple diet in the Brocagh area since first accidentally consumed at the Washingbay Sports in 1955, the loughshore locals have intimated that they’re prepared to eat other exotic foods like spaghetti bolognese or cottage pie until they can be sure they’re eating 100% badger. One of the Mountjoy victims, Jessie Dorman, is of no doubt that the badger-burger he bought was a bit off:
“For fifty years I’ve had at least one badger-burger a day with a slap of spuds and banes. I know my badgers. It was my father who was the first man to taste the delicious badger meat after winning the wellie-throwing competition at the Washingbay Sports fifty-seven years ago. His last throw was so high it landed on a wild badger in the adjacent field, knocking its lights out. Afraid of the reaction to the murder, he ate the badger on the spot to hide the evidence only to discover its succulent quality. Within a couple of years his badger restaurant down by the Castlebay Centre was the envy of London and Paris. Stewed, grilled, baked, boiled or fried – people couldn’t get enough of it. This recent contamination is disastrous news. I’m not sure what a skunk tastes like but it definitely tasted a bit skunky.”
Despite there never having been a sighting of a wild skunk in Ireland, Dorman says there’s a good chance it escaped from Belfast Zoo and went up the M1, turning off at Tamnamore – perhaps explaining the bad smell up around Falls’ Bar. Local politician Susan McAvoy has urged locals not to panic or get tore into the drink but to try other foods like chicken or pork for a while until they have extinguished the last skunk from Brocagh or even find one.
Brocagh Man Fights Shark In Roughan Lough. No Witnesses.
Artist’s impression of Davidson and Roughan shark
A Brocagh bulb-fitter, Dessie Davidson, yesterday claimed to have beaten off a ‘baste of a shark’ during a charity swim on St Stephen’s Day in Roughan Lough, just outside Newmills. Roughan officials are now investigating the incident and have warned people not to take to the lough unless they feel confident of beating a shark in a scuffle. Davidson, 46, was reportedly shaken up after the incident but has since managed to calm his nerves with an ‘unmerciful feed of stout’.
“Jays it was deadly like. I was swimming away, raising money for the new Mountjoy Donkey Sanctuary, when I felt a presence behind me. I turned and before I knew it I was in a full blown fist-fight with this shark. I don’t think it was local. It was pummelling away with its big leathery fins but I was giving it as good as I got. It was like punching leather at times and I could hear the yelps out of it after I dished out an uppercut or kidney punch. We both drew blood but it swam off first so I’d say I got the better of it. It was a traumatic experience and I’ve been on the batter since. I don’t think it was a swan. Nearly sure about that.”
Although there were no witnesses, Newmills knitting expert Greta Gordon (88) contacted the BBC last night to relate the story of being attacked by a dragon in the grounds of the castle last year during the Chinese New Year festivities. Roughan Castle Security Officals remain sceptical about the incident and maintain it could be Harry Campbell from Brackaville larking about in the shark costume he said he was getting for Christmas.
“No one has been beheaded in the castle since 1641. However, that could change if we find out Davidson was full drunk at the time and just got tangled up in seaweed,” claimed Lough manager Sir William Churchbottom.
He also announced that you can buy ‘I saw the Roughan shark’ mugs and tshirts up at the lough from today.
Derrylaughan Naval Base Plans Leaked. Ardboe On Alert.
Artist’s impression of Derrylaughan 2016
Leaked documentation has confirmed that Derrylaughan’s ambition to become a world power by assembling an impressive fleet of naval ships at their own base on Lough Neagh are at an advanced stage. Suspicions grew at the weekend following the plantation of 30-feet tall evergreen trees at the loughshore, covering from view any work being carried out on the warships or port at the Lough. This morning, the documentation shows they plan to assemble 10 aircraft carriers, 22 cruisers, 62 destroyers, 28 frigates, 3 littoral combat ships, 9 amphibious assault ships, 2 amphibious command ships, 9 amphibious transport docks, 12 dock landing ships, 53 attack submarines, 14 ballistic missile submarines, 4 guided missile submarines, 14 mine countermeasures ships, 11 patrol boats, and 1 ship for catching pullens.
Worried Ardboe fisherman Frankie McGrogan told us:
“We knew this day would come. Them fcukers down the road have been up to something for ages. I’d a fair idea it was on the cards when we played Derrylaughan down at the Washingbay earlier in the year. I heard some of their players refer to Admiral Cushnahan and Commander In Chief Carney during play. We’re on red alert. They’re going to plunder us first mission just like the Vikings did in 955. I’ve locked up the shed anyway. They can take our women and Brocagh.”
Admiral Cushnahan denied any knowledge of the plans and explained his new name:
“Ah now sure it’s only a bit of craic like. The boys call me admiral because I’m a big fan of butterflies and my personal favourite is the Red Admiral. As for them there plans you have, it’s just some bucko messing around – probably a school project. I’ll give them back to the Rear-Admiral, sorry, young lad. Listen, we have no designs on world dominance. There’s no way we could complete with the South Korea Navy. Their modern ships and amphibious capability with AEGIS technology would destroy us in a millisecond. And sure, how could we get them out of the Lough? It’d be some sight for the people of Toome to watch those ships pass down the Bann. Frightening. Powerful.”
Ardboe have moved to counteract these recent developments by building a big wooden boat with a giant-sized slingshot.
Castlederg Final Game Ends In Farce. Mentor Meant Well.
Kelly never got it on time
Castlederg GAA senior league campaign ended in farcical scenes yesterday after a misunderstanding between the management and players saw their star forward misdiagnosed after suffering from leg cramp late on in the game. Owen Roes and Castlederg fought out a drawn game (0-6 to 1-3) in a fixture the county league officials completely forgot about. The mentor in question, Maurice Quinn, told us of the background to the mix-up:
“Ah hell, I was an honest mistake. Ye see, as assistant manager I wanted to make a good impression in case I got the main gig next season. Earlier in the season I was delegated with the task of looking after the health and well-being of the players. Our main man, Kieran Kelly, has a mild form of diabetes and I was to administer a Mars Bar to him if he felt weakish. Well, after a dozen games I started getting complacent and was eating the bar towards the end of the matches. I suppose I was taking a chance like. Then, against Brocagh, didn’t Kelly start feeling a bit weak with 5 minutes left. They turned to me and the chocolate all over my lower face told its tale. I felt ashamed. Luckily someone in the crowd had a Curly Wurly.”
Quinn redoubled his efforts to prove his worth and looked after every tiny detail of all squad players, offering massages and even dressing them after games. He had won back the confidence of his manager, until yesterday’s game up at Owen Roes watched by 45 people.
“The game was petering out uneventfully and I knew I was in with a good shout of getting the job next year. With time running out didn’t Kelly go down again. Without thinking I sprinted onto the field, unwrapping the Giant Size Snickers that I had bought especially as a treat as I ran. I slid alongside our stricken FF and began frantically stuffing the bar down his throat. It wasn’t until he was able to stop choking on the chocolate that he told me, rather forcibly, that he just had ‘feckin leg cramp’. Then it turned out he was allergic to nuts. The ambulance men managed to stem the reaction.”
Quinn has been released from his position at the club and is currently seeking employment at Moy Park.
Obama For Ardboe. Secret Footage Found
The following video was forwarded to us by an anonymous emailer.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/13985364/obama-heads-for-ardboe
Derrylaughan Apply To UN For Independent State Status
Derrylaughan last night
Following the successful and historic vote on Palestine during the week, Derrylaughan have forward a motion to follow in the Palestinian footsteps in the hope of becoming an independent state with its own currency and language. The small loughshore townland claim they have been misunderstood and discriminated against for over a century, citing the fact that even Mickey Harte doesn’t pick Derrylaughan men for the county team apart from the odd one. Other gripes include bad roads, flooding, midges, lack of investment from American fast food outlets and the absence of a red light district. Harry Corr, a long-time Derrylaughan Seperatist Movement (DSM) member, explains further:
“The Palestinian lads have shown us the path to independence. Derrylaughan has always been treated as the dregs of the county. I remember a Lord Mayor of Dungannon, when asked in the paper how he’d better the county, saying that he’d raise the levels of the Lough to wipe out Derrylaughan so he wouldn’t be ate by midges going to a game down there. Well, fcuk him I say. Them there midges are a part of us, a bit like the aborigines and their didgeridoos. Even the Brocagh ones talk with marbles in their gobs and look down on us as lowland munchies all because Tom McGurk is on the TV. Enough is enough. I wrote a letter to the UN and got a lock of lads in Falls’ pub to sign it. We’re going to call ourselves ‘The United Kingdom of The Lowlands Formerly Known As Derrylaughan (UKOTLFKAD)’. We’ll have our own money, passports and language an all. A brothel is only a matter of time.”
The UN refused to pass comment on the possibility of success but the Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Hervé Ladsous did add “them boys have tried this before. Pat Kennedy filed for independence in 1981 after the county title, citing civil unrest with Derrytresk. We sent a 200-strong delegation only to discover it was a simple 2-man dispute over access to a rampart up near Kingsisland Church. It was a long drive from Brussels to listen to that.”
Corr has already devised a flag for UKOTLFKAD and an anthem called ‘They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out’.
Draft of New Flag
First Obese Man In Gortin ‘Ashamed’. Pledges To ‘Cut Down’
Man in Gortin today
With the recent news that sixty–four people in NI are currently claiming incapacity benefit because they are too obese to work, one man from Gortin has come forward to confirm that he, in fact, is one of the three from Tyrone included in the above investigation. Johnny Coyle, a 31-year old ex-timber merchant from the village, says obesity sort-of crept up on him out of nowhere and blames the foreigners for opening their delicious outlets in the greater Omagh area.
“Jaysus I’m tara embarrassed. I knew I’d put on a lock of pounds after everyone stopped buying timber from the yard in favour of them straw bales and I had to retire, but little did I know I’d actually ballooned to 31 stone from my fighting weight of 13 stone. I knew a couple of chairs had broken over the last year but I just put that down to shoddy workmanship in Fermanagh. The bed collapsing should have been a tell-tale sign. It wasn’t until I got stuck in the doorway of Mossey’s Bar back toilet that I couldn’t ignore the truth. I’d been eating too much. The government came around to weigh me and told me what I already knew. I’m the first obese person in Gortin. Stop eating or I won’t get a woman they said.”
Coyle has made it his goal to find out where the other two obese people in Tyrone are so he can set up an Eaters’ Anonymous Society. He also also promised to cut down on the Chineses, Indians, pic ‘n’ mix from Centra and the thrice daily fries.
“My runners have told me there may be a middle-aged woman in Brocagh and a young lad in Trillick around the same size as myself. I’d have to be sure though. You’d get some abuse if you asked the wrong person if they were obese. I’m just looking for moral support as we begin our descent towards an acceptable level of heaviness. It’s all about what you eat. A gradual change in lifestyle should do the trick. For breakfast, instead of the 5 bacon, 9 sausage, biscuits, gravy, cream hotcakes, dozens of scrambled and fried eggs and pounds upon pounds of melted cheese with ice cream on Fridays, cut out the ice cream on Fridays.”
The Gortin Pioneers’ Society released a statement saying they wholeheartedly supported Johnny but that you’d think he’d learn the lessons from his da who died after choking on a Frankfurter in 2001.
Indoor-Bowling Brawl Splits Tyrone
An indoor bowling friendly between East Tyrone and West Tyrone ended acrimoniously with threats of drive-by shootings and all-out warfare hanging over the Red Hand bowling community. The annual charity match took place last night in Brocagh with the home side hotly favoured to emerge victorious according to suspicious betting patterns in Toals Bookmakers in Dungannon and Strabane. East Tyrone, with its rich indoor-bowling pedigree, started with an average age of 72 whilst relative newcomers West Tyrone presented a more youthful 66 year old average. The referee, Malcolm Turnbull from Lisnaskea, filed his report immediately before giving the following interview to our indoor bowling reporter:
“It was clear from the start that tensions were high. The West Tyrone side emerged onto the short mats to the tune of ‘The Hills Above Drumquin’ blasting from a ghetto-blaster on the shoulder of their captain, 69 year old Paddy Graham. They seemed psyched, obviously hurting from the previous 45 defeats. Not to be outdone, Masie Davidson herself sang ‘Brocagh Brae’ as she led the East crowd out. I feared the worst and so it turned out after the first end. Henry McCann from the Moy and John ‘Kib’ Foster of Gortin seemed to have their bowls equi-distance from the jack. McCann wasn’t in the mood for calling a draw on that one so the measuring tape was produced, showing it was actually Foster who was closest. That’s when it all kicked off.”
Reports from onlookers suggest that the remaining of the tie was played out with fiery slaggings between competitors filling the air. There were violent debates over the singing ability of Hugh Duncan v Eileen Donaghy, the acting prowess of Birdy Sweeney v Sam Neill, Canavan v McGuigan, Flann O’Brien v Nick Laird, Cookstown Sausages v Omagh Meats and Jerome Quinn v Adrian Logan. Words soon turned to slaps.
“It was when Hugh Morgan said Adrian Logan couldn’t lick Jerome Quinn’s microphone that I heard the slap. When I looked up Morgan was laying prone on the mat. It began to cut up rough. Within seconds, all I could see were walking sticks, dentures, wigs, commodes, vests, viagra, prune juice, wind chimes, magnifying glasses, hearing aids, laxatives, slippers, nice warm sweaters, stuffed animals, cinnamon rolls, jigsaw puzzles, yarn, cotton buds, incontinence pads and currant cake flying through the Brocagh air. It was a war scene. I just left them to it.”
The East Tyrone Bowling Society released a statement this morning saying although they regretted not finishing the game, the West Tyrone squad may sleep with one collective eye open at night. Witnesses in West Tyrone have confirmed that they are stocking up on ammunition tonight for an assault on the loughshore at the weekend.
West Tyrone captain and vice captain send a message to the East
Tyrone Lonely Hearts – Volume 3
Beragh ex-English Literature teacher (66) seeks a wholesome woman with good teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, with eyes no matter what colour so they are but expressive; of a healthy complexion, rather inclin’d to fair than brown; neat in her person, her bosom full, plump, firm and white; a good understanding, without being a wit, but cheerful and lively in conversation, polite and delicate of speech, her temper humane and tender, and to look as if she could feel delight where she wishes to give it. No Clogher women need apply.
Ardboe man (54), unemployed clown, seeks woman with no bodily deformity.
Fintona gardener (55), ploughing the loneliest of furrows, twelve personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from the library. Seeks anyone.
Strabane woman (44), pessimistic, practical and forward thinking, would like you to list your top 10 treasured possessions – just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up.
Brocagh lad (23) seeks a woman who is a man. Sorry mummy.
Compulsive-eating Galbally woman, 52, would like to meet a man of up to 25 for whom the phrase ‘beauty is only skin-deep’ is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos.
Kildress window-cleaner, 50, in desperate need of a ride, anything considered.
Plumbridge Lady, 49, seeks companion to ramble around Gortin Glen with. I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me, but I can promise you the best home-brewed brandy ball poitin you’ll have ever tasted.
Moortown carpet fitter, 39, will entertain anyone from totally blind to completely incapacitated. Will treat you to the finest collection of dried stuffed eels this side of the lough. Weekend taxidermist.
Derrytresk plumber, 61, seeks woman with boat. Please send photo of boat.
Derrylaughan Lotto Still Not Won After 15 Years
Who wants to be a millionaire?
Probing questions have been beginning to circle around the Clonoe Parish area after it emerged that no one has won the Derrylaughan lotto since its inception in 2001, even the £50 for three numbers. With last week’s winning numbers of 1,2,3 and 4 bringing the tally to 750 weeks without anyone winning more than a tenner for two numbers, punters are asking if this is the toughest lottery in the world.
Asking a £5 entry fee, the Kevin Barry’s lotto is one of the steepest in the entire country, with sellers targeting long distances from Moortown to Majorca. Ballinderry man, Jody McGuigan, summed up the current inquisitive mood:
“With the jackpot now standing at £1.3m it’s hard not to do the Derrylaughan lottery. Like, our own one is about £900 and any time someone wins it you can be sure it’s a McGuckian or a Muldoon. But there’s something funny going on down the shore. I remember reading in the bulletin once that the numbers for the Derrylaughan one was 13, 34, 41 and 66. Sure the buckin envelope only goes up to 26 numbers. I spotted it but said nothing for fear of being sent to the mad house again.”
McGuigan decided to pay a visit to Derrylaughan last Sunday to see if his suspicions were with substance. What he saw will live with him for the rest of his life.
“I went down to watch Derrylaughan play Dromore and had a sniff around. I just wish I’d taken my camera. The clubroom was akin to something you’d see in the Slieve Russell. There were butlers from Derrytresk, maids from Brocagh, a fancy reception where you were given an ash tray of nuts if you sat down at all. The toilets had golden railings and the toilet roll was some kind of velvety tissue from Japan. The car park was full of Mercs, BMWs, 2010 Nissans and boys walking around with bicycle clips on. I saw the chefs making the aftermatch meal of ‘lobster and Mousseline of pattes rouges crayfish with morel mushroom infusion’ and that was just for the away team.”
Derrylaughan Lotto committee chaiman, Michael Saggart, refused to comment and just encouraged people to keep dreaming of that £1.3m prize money before instructing his driver to bring him to somewhere that sells crowns.
Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2
FOR SALE
Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH
Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON
Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH
Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY
Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE
Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA
Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH
Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE
Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK
Tyrone Classifieds – October
WANTED SECTION:
Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.
A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.
Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.
Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.
The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.
Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.
Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.
SELLING SECTION:
Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20
Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300
Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100
Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.
Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000
Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600
One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50
Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.
Brocagh On “Verge of War” Over Chapel/Church Debate
An internal argument in Brocagh amongst the clergy has left Brocagh on the “verge of war” according to local historian Benjamin McCorry. The row was initiated when new PP for the area Fr Davidson told the congregation at 11 o’clock mass last Sunday from the pulpit to stop calling it Brocagh Chapel and to adopt the correct title ‘Brocagh Church’. Word quickly filtered through to Fr McCann, a Brocagh born and bred priest, who used his homily at the 12 o’clock in Clonoe to denounce anyone who was prepared to follow Fr Davidson’s directive.
“Davidson is a Ballinderry blow-in, the bollox. What would he know about the way we talk. I’ve always called it Brocagh Chapel as did my father and my father’s father. I couldn’t give two shites about what the difference is between a chapel and a church. It’s the way we roll. Let me make myself clear – if I hear anyone calling it Brocagh Church who previously called it chapel then don’t be thinking you’ll be getting anything at communion time. I’d like to think that’ll be applied to Last Rites too.”
Picture from the 1799 brawl
Approximately 150 loyal Davidson followers walked out at that stage with abuse from the pulpit ringing in their ears. “Aye, away ye go ye good for nothing fat bastard”, Fr McCann reportedly shouted at a prominent Brocagh businessman as he left his seat which resulted in a wrestling session in the aisle between at least a dozen opposing parishioners. A shot was reportedly heard outside soon after, though many think it was just a timed gun-scare for chasing crows from the local strawberry field. Historian Benjamin McCorry predicted that this was just the start of it:
“There’s a history of strife over words in Brocagh. In 1799 there was a massive brawl up near Mountjoy Castle over whether it was ‘Lough Neagh’ or ‘Lock Neagh’. The resulting mini-townland war almost wiped out the whole population. I’d fear for the future. We all know that Fr Davidson is officially correct but that doesn’t mean we should change it. We still say ‘tay’ ‘flure’ and ‘dure’ don’t we? Anyone could saying ‘tea’ or ‘door’ is seen as some kind of marbled-mouthed uppity gobshite. I’m with McCann on this. Chapel for me.”
Although Pope Benedict has yet to intervene, rumours suggest the Vatican is waiting to see how the parish bulletin pans out this weekend as both priests have asked for a few lines each to rally their troops.
Brocagh Man Admits To Having TV Licence
A Brocagh badger-catcher has stunned the loughshore diaspora when he admitted after a few pints in the Emmets clubrooms that he has a TV licence at home sitting on the mantlepiece. The astonishing admission came after a truth or dare session between a few men and women after a local bowling club dinner dance. In surreal scenes later that night, over a dozen drunken locals arrived at Pat Bucker’s abode looking to see proof of the remarkable claim.
Barman at the Emmets told our reporter:
“There was just a bit of craic going on, you know, the same oul shit-talk. Women were standing up saying mad things like they used to wink at the priest in the front row at Mass to see if he’d drop the chalice or the like. It was harmless stuff. The bowling captain has just admitted that he cleaned his arse one time with the Irish News and still read it after, when Bucker got up and shouted ‘I have a TV licence’. There was a stunned silence. Pint glasses crashed to the ground. One elderly woman fainted into the PP’s arms. I almost soiled myself. We’d never heard the like around Brocagh.”
Will this man venture into Brocagh?
There was disbelief as people waited to be told by Bucker that it was a wind-up. When it became clear that the badger-killer was serious, things threatened to turn ugly.
“Men were needing to be held back. Chairs were crashing through the window. I thought fatalities were a cert at one stage. A biggish dog was kicked straight at Bucker. Men and women were very angry that Bucker had gone against a century-long tradition in the area and that he was showing the lot up with his lawful compliance.”
Temperatures soon cooled afterwards when they visited the Bucker household for proof. Mrs Bucker answered the door and when told of the commotion she ordered her husband to “get the feck up thon stairs” and that the licence on the mantlepiece was actually the instructions for assembling the TV bracket on the wall that “the lazy good-for nothing drunken clift hadn’t even attempted since we got it a year ago“.
Tyrone Tribulations 