Category Archives: Eglish
Storms Blew Things Across Atlantic To Tyrone Including Old People
Pensioners take off from States
With the news that a Canadian bird has landed in a lough in Tyrone after been forced over by storms, more people have come forward with other artefacts blown from across the Atlantic, including pensioners.
The Pacific Diver bird which was spotted in Lough Fea appears to have opened the floodgates as people now realise where the new things in their area have come from. Leo Daly, a fitter from Eglish, was one of the first to come forward with evidence:
“The news of that bird made the penny drop. Last week I went out the lift the milk one morning and I spotted two female pensioners sitting on top of my shed. I shouted for them to get down and they told me they had no idea where they were in these mad American accents. I just shrugged it off as one of those things.”
Pensioners were also spotted flying through the sky in Strabane, Newtownstewart, Sion Mills and Aghyaran. Scientist Pat Morgan explained this phenomenon:
“Old people are remarkably light and resilient. I myself have witnessed pensioners in The Moy being lifted 40-45 feet across a road on a good gusty day. In America it’s probably more common and relatives turn a blind eye to it as the elderly have an incredible homing ability when lost. 3000 miles is a long oul jaunt I suppose.”
The storm theory also solves the overnight appearance of a McDonalds with Canadians inside it in a field in Clonoe. Locals simply put it down to the unstoppable globalisation of the fast food brand until the customers finally emerged and started playing ice hockey down the Washingbay Road.
Authorities have warned locals not to be keeping any people blown over here and mysteriously claiming for dependents.
Moy Woman Warns ‘Tang’ Husband Over Love For His Scania V8
A Moy civil servant has publicly announced she will throw her husband out of the house if he continues his love affair for his Scania V8 and general ‘tang’ lifestyle. Kelly Trucker, who admits to once having a liking for life on the road, didn’t realise the extent of her husband’s love for the tang experience.
“It’s just embarrassing now. We had a Christening in Armagh to go to last week and Roger arrived in his Scania jacket, Ben Sherman shirt open to the naval with oil stains, gold necklace, brown belt, denims and his Super Hampton boots – the same clothes he slept in. This is not the silage cutter I fell in love with as a teenager. That’s just full-on tang.”
Kelly admits the breaking point came when he suggested a weekend away in Donegal.
“I was thinking he was being all romantic. As it turned out we slept in his V8 Topline on two planks and them tassel curtains blowing about with newspapers Sellotaped to the windows for privacy. Then in the middle of the night I caught him looking at a photo in his wallet. It was a newer V8 Scania with 6 spot lights, 4 spots in the visor and a side pipe. I was humilaited. I’d have felt better if it had been a woman from Eglish. If I hear ‘Friends In Low Places’ one more time….”
Roger Trucker doesn’t know what all the fuss is about:
“She’s overreacting, hi. Kelly fell for me when I cut my teeth on the grass and the magic is still there. My HGV licence changes nothing. She used to love the R620 flat out to the wire on the Armagh Road doing drops in Newry. Jaysus she can pull high, hi. Now I’ve the V8 and she’s all jealous like.”
Kelly has given Roger 48 hours to ditch the V8 and dress like a normal Moy man.
J K Rowling To Buy Whole Of Tyrone As Christmas Present For Robbie Coltrane
New landload, Coltrane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The world-renowned author J K Rowling is close to purchasing the whole of County Tyrone as a Christmas present to Scottish actor Robbie Coltrane, as a thank you for playing the part of Hagrid the giant, in the Harry Potter series.
The author, estimated to be worth a staggering £10 billion, decided to splash out once she had made the choice between snapping up the County, the new Peter Andre album, or a signed picture of Malachi Cush.
“I’ve always loved Tyrone”, said the author, “I was going to keep it for myself and use it as a sort of garden feature, but I know Robbie will be thrilled to have it instead. But he lives in London, so I’m going to have my people fly it over so it sits somewhere just outside Surrey. I’m sure Tyrone people won’t mind. It is a little island off the east coast of Scotland, isn’t it?”
The purchase, believed to run into a four-figure sum, came as welcome news to cash-strapped Tyrone council management.
“This is mighty”, said local Councillor Enda McMann. “We’re up to our arses in debt and this is a class way of helping out the County. Jaysus, we were nearly having to auction off the Council’s Philomena memorabilia collection. Imagine that? As it is, we’ve had to sell the Council’s fleet of chauffeur-driven Lamborghinis. Yep, it’s that bad. We might have to sell a couple of the yachts next”.
The news was greeted warmly by many residents. Benny Sloan from Caledon said,
“I’ve always been a big Harry Potter fan. Them fillums where he says, ‘Are you feelin’ lucky punk’ and then shoots up the place is pure class. I love Clint Eastwood. If Robbie gets Tyrone, maybe Clint’ll get Armagh”.
However, not everyone was happy. 57-year old Oonagh Trainor from Eglish said,
“This spells disaster. Literally. What if them Dementor boys turn up, eh? Do you know what they are? I’ll tell yiz. They’re among the foulest creatures to walk this earth, that’s what they are. They feed off human happiness and create depression and despair to anyone near them. How would we tell them apart from some of the ones from Stewartstown?”
The purchase of the County is to remain a secret from Coltrane until Christmas Day, during which time Rowling plans to either wrap it in 1,300 square miles of Christmas paper, or alternatively cover it with a gigantic cloak of invisibility.
Eglish Parent Threatens To Withdraw Child From School Nativity Due To Creative Differences
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A furore has broken out in a local primary school following ‘creative differences’ between a parent and the headmaster.
32-year old Gareth Hughes said his 6-year old son Rory had been promised by the head of St Mary’s Primary School in Eglish that he would be the star of the 20-minute nativity play to be staged tomorrow, only to find out that his son was in fact quite literally playing the role of the Star of Bethlehem, which was followed by the wise men.
“It’s a disgrace”, declared Hughes. “I was expecting my cub to be all over the centre pages of the Dungannon Observer as Joseph, looking all cute in one of thon big black and white picters. It’s hardly going to happen now that all he has to do is stand there with a big torch. We even bought a brand new dishcloth to use as his headdress. Thon school owes me 89p. I’ll bet Daniel Radcliffe didn’t have to put up with this shite when he was doing Harry Potter”.
Hughes insisted that Rory would not participate at all unless he was given a more prominent role in the show.
“We can’t”, said headmaster Padraig Boyle. “All the parts have been cast except for a sheep, a donkey, and the baby Jesus. Rory’s a big bruiser of a thing, and he’s not the sharpest tool in the box. We tried him out as one of the wise men but it was a shocking piece of mis-casting, bless him. And he’s twice the size of Joseph so he can hardly be Jesus, can he? He’d break the buckin’ crib. He’d be better off putting a plank on his head and playing the stable”.
The stand-off was only settled when Boyle agreed to the introduction of the controversial role of ‘Mutant Ninja Wise Man’, who brings with him the gift of bubble mixture.
“At such short notice Rory’s Mutant Ninja Turtle outfit is the only costume he could come up with. At least it’s Michelangelo, so I suppose there’s a biblical connection”, said Boyle doubtfully.
The precedent however opened the floodgates with other parents now demanding a change in roles for their offspring, including one bewildered mother insisting that her son changes from the role of ‘Innkeeper’s dog’, to either the Scarecrow or the Tin Man.
Mobile Phone Coverage ‘Isn’t What It Used To Be’ Complain Tyrone Residents
Better reception – goddammit.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A growing number of residents across Tyrone are making official complaints to mobile phone companies following the news that mobile phone coverage is steadily increasing and now covers 96% of the County.
“It’s tara”, grumbled 28 year old Ernest Johnson, an auto-pilot from Carrickmore. “My house was a blackspot for years. It was class. It gave me a great excuse not to call people back or to tell them I hadn’t picked up their voicemail. Now I’ve got no defence”.
Similar complaints have been made by other phone users, in particular about the former blackspot outside between Craigavon and Dungannon on the A4 which now has excellent coverage.
“It’s cat”, said Orla Milligan, a levitationist from Aughabrack. “I used to be able to time it nicely so that after five minutes on the phone to my ma I’d get cut off. Now I have to pretend and start shouting, ‘I’m going into a tunnel’. There’s no buckin’ tunnels there. The least them ‘uns at Vodafone can do is build one to help me out”.
Siobhan Fox, a panda trainer from Eglish, agreed.
“Round these parts we’re used to ending every call with ‘Hello?’ being yelled down the phone half a dozen times. This improved coverage isn’t good enough. I was on the phone to my brother for nearly an hour last night. Jaysus, that man talks shite. I ended up putting him on mute because a repeat of Lesser Spotted Ulster was coming on. Some handlin”.
One resident, Frank Cassidy, a part-time thief from Omagh, took matters into his own hands.
“Thon phone boys are cunning. They make these mobile phone masts to look like trees so you can’t notice them, but I’m wise to that. So I took a chainsaw to three of them up the Dooish Mountain. Huge feckers, about a 200 foot high. Turns out they were real trees after all. Come to think of it, they did look dead realistic”.
The Tyrone Society of Pub Quizmasters, which has 60,000 members, are staging a rally in Coalisland on Saturday to protest that people can now cheat at pub quizzes by sneakily Googling the answers under the table.
Eglish Husband’s Halloween Jokes ‘A Bridge Too Far’, Wife Tells Friends
When are ye puttin yer mask on?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A husband’s annual Halloween joke of telling his wife, ‘I see you’ve put your mask on early this year!’ backfired yesterday lunchtime when he found himself with a bowl of strawberry-flavoured Angel Delight poured over his head.
Long-suffering wife 52-year old Patricia Faloon said that she had simply had enough of husband John Joe’s barbed Halloween jokes over the course of their 32-year marriage.
“Every year it’s the same buckin’ jokes. I’m fed up with it. Something just snapped and the Angel Delight went over his thick head. He’s lucky he didn’t get the electric whisk shoved into his bake an’ all. He’d have known all about it then”.
Tension had been brewing since the return journey from chapel on Sunday when John Joe saw a black cat crossing the path of the car, at which point he turned to his wife and asked, “Is that yours?” before braying with laughter at his own joke.
Ah come on, it’s just a wee bit of fun”, said a defensive Faloon, a 55-year old wellington washer from Eglish. “Pat’s a right pishmire just now, bless her. She’s a very private person, but I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you she’s going through the change just now and she’s dead touchy all the time. And her piles aren’t helping”.
Other comments usually repeated by Faloon to his wife at this time of year include, “It’s Halloween. Mind no-one pinches yer broomstick”, a comment about apple bobbing, and a risqué joke about a goblin. A grinning Faloon said, “Aw, it’s mighty craic boys. And then after Halloween it’s Christmas, and I can do all my jokes about Santa and balls on the tree and all. But listen though – ‘Is that your cat!’ Class hi!”
“If I hear another broomstick joke he’ll get one shoved up his arse”, said a testy Patricia. “See if he’s laughing then”.
As of 5.30pm this evening, Faloon was contemplating whether or not to make a joke about Pat’s big pumpkins.
The Moy ‘Deadly Sad’ This Morning
The Moy, an hour ago
The Moy, a south-east Tyrone hamlet famous for being near Benburb, was this morning said to be in total depair after their senior football side were narrowly defeated by nine points in their semi-final yesterday. Only one local resident has ventured out of their house so far today to buy bread and stuff. She reportedly gave the fingers to a car that beeped at her, suspecting it to be an Eglish rapscallion.
Gregory Jordan, a 49 year old Far-East Christmas pantomime villain, reckons it’ll take a long time to get over this:
“This is worse than I dreaded it would be. We really thought this was the year. 1920. 19 buckin 20 was our last title. There’s a boy up the road there who says he remembers it. He’s in his 70s so it’s quite possible. He always says that in 1921 there was a curse put on the area by a witch doctor from Charlemont after an altercation between himself and the local PP over who wrote the words of ‘Blanket On The Ground’. I’m starting to believe in it. This is cat. I’d made 600 paper hats for the final with ‘The Moy Are Lethal’ on them. I’d say we’ll not recover from this til about 6pm or so.”
Local communities have since rallied around with supplies of spuds, joke books and toilet rolls delivered by the good people of Killyman on a big lorry. Donaghmore’s Malachi Cush has promised to take part in a ‘Cheer Up’ concert, committing himself to singing a rap version of the aforementioned ‘Blanket On The Ground’.
Susan McKearney, a 71-year old Gospel reader, acknowledged the goodwill gestures from neighbours:
“It’s very thoughtful. But it’ll take more than Cush rapping, Andrex Puppies and Kerr’s Pinks to get over those Carmen hoors’.
Moy PRO was unable to comment as he’s somewhere ‘on the continent’.
Teacher Achieves Breakdown In A Record Two Weeks Into The School Term
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Docherty in his pomp
A teacher at a school in Eglish has become the county’s first to achieve a full-scale breakdown this year, barely a fortnight into the new school term, accusing the pupils of sustained codology.
It took the GCSE science class only 8 school days to wear down Master Docherty who teaches science and biology at St Roger’s Secondary School in Eglish, to phone in long-term sick, a record in the county and possibly the whole of Ulster. The previous record in the county was 4 weeks achieved by a female Killyman teacher who bulldozed a bus shelter during break time, singing ‘School’s Out For Summer’ in Irish.
Pupil antics included making ‘yeooooo’ sounds when his back was turned, sticking notes on his back saying ‘I’m a oul glipe’ and nailing a trout to the underside of his table, leaving a horrible stench for five days.
46-year old Docherty, reportedly instructed pupils during Tuesday’s biology lesson to, “quietly read the four chapters on ‘Plants and their Properties’ and to do so without asking any questions or making any noise whatsoever or I’ll take the heads clean off yis all”, before putting his own head down on the desk for the remainder of the lesson without looking up. Unconfirmed reports said that quiet sobbing could be heard from behind the desk. He was later seen wandering about the school grounds without shoes.
“He cited ‘heavy flu’ in his sick note, but we all know what that means”, said school headmaster Padraig Boyle with a wink. “If flu symptoms include bursting into floods of tears, weeping about how hard it is to build your self-confidence and hiding in the storeroom, then sure, flu it is!”
He went on,
“You have to hand it to the kids. It’s a triumph, and to achieve it so quickly into the new term is testament to the commitment and perseverance of some of the pupils here at St Rogers’s. Normally they take a good few months to break a teacher, but not my lot. And he wasn’t one of thon temp teachers who are easy meat. Docherty was a seasoned professional, 15 years as a secondary school teacher. Sterling stuff from the youngsters”.
Suggestions that teachers going on long-term sick leave in record-breaking time might not necessarily be a good thing were met with perplexity by the unorthodox head.
“That’s typical of the media these days. You expect cubs to achieve something and then you knock them down once they do it. Are you wise? These youngsters have demonstrated thoughtfulness, tenacity, and persistence in working as a group to comprehensively destroy this man’s self-esteem. And you say that’s not a ‘proper’ accomplishment? Don’t forget that the challenge of getting an emotional response from teachers is even greater these days for the pupils. It has restored my faith in them anyway”.
Negotiations between Boyle and RTE for the school to appear on a new programme, ‘Educating Tyrone’, a fly on the wall documentary, have been put on hold indefinitely.
Panic Buying in Eglish As Christmas Selection Boxes Go On Sale
Eglish, yesterday
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Local PSNI were swiftly despatched to Costcutter’s in Eglish yesterday morning before a near-riot developed in Main Street, after nearly 3,000 people turned up to start their Christmas shopping early.
A rumour, started on Twitter, that Costcutter’s was selling Cadbury Christmas selection boxes for £1.99, rapidly went viral as the news spread like wildfire throughout the county.
One policeman, Patrick Quinn, who attended the disturbance, panted:
“I’ve not seen anything like it in Eglish since Plunkett Donaghy was rumoured to be swimming bare-torsoed in the Blackwater in 1986. I nearly had to make a couple of arrests. Grown adults acting like eejits trying to get themselves noticed by shop staff for the sake of a buckin’ selection box, shouting and screaming. I couldn’t be doing with it. It really hurt my throat. I managed to get one of the ones with the ‘Make Your Own Santa Mask’ on the back. Class”.
Anne Callaghan, a 49 year old coal miner from Mountfield, told us:
“You can’t be too careful. It’s only 110 shopping days until Christmas. I still remember the Teletubbies fiasco a year ago. I ordered Tinky Winky for my little lad and it never arrived in time. He’s now 26 and still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m not going through that again”.
A spokesperson for the Omagh-based lobbying group ‘No Christmas Until Christmas’ which is continuing to gather support under its website, http://www.its-not-even-december-yet-for-fecks-sake.com, said,
“It’s this sort of behaviour that puts the ‘Jesus Christ’ into Christmas, and I don’t mean in a good way. Summer’s barely over and people are mad for Christmas already. And these shops aren’t helping. I don’t want to be walking round Asda with my shorts on, listening to buckin’ Jingle Bells. This is all Joe Brolly’s fault. Probably”.
Costcutter’s have release a statement telling people not to panic, and that there will be ample selection boxes available for sale over the next three months.
“Aye, right”, said a despondent John Joe Slane, a 60 year old egg-boiler from Aughabrack. “Try telling that to my three nephews. All they’ve got to look forward to is two packets of Fishermen’s Friends and some Lockets. That’s all they had left by the time I got there. It’s dung. Maybe they’ll all have really bad colds by Christmas”, he added hopefully.
Minor skirmishes were also reported in a Centra shop in Cabragh, following rumours that it had started selling Easter eggs.
Eglish Man Gives In To 21st Century And Buys CD Player
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Eglish finally succumbed to the relentless march of progress and bought a CD player on Saturday afternoon in Dungannon.
“I’ve always been an early adapter with all the new technologies, and buy stuff just as they come onto the market”, said Terry Malloy, an astro-physicist from Eglish. “I was one of the first to buy a fax machine about three years ago and you still don’t see very many of them about. I’ve always loved vinyl but now it’s time to embrace the modern world, and this Amstrad CD player is a beauty”.
Malloy bought the Amstrad CD430 stereo system for £35 from Johnny Skinner’s hardware shop in Dungannon, which comes complete with a twin-deck tape recorder.
“Two tape recorders, not just one!” said a proud Malloy. “So I can tape the CDs and then play them on my Walkman when I’m in the lab smashing photons into each other. Did you know that it’s got something on it called ‘Shuffle’? I know what you’re thinkin’. But it’s nothing to do with playing cards. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like putting all the songs that were in one order into a different order but not the same different order every time but a different different order. I’m still getting my head round it”, admitted Malloy, shaking his head in wonder. “Everyone will have one of these soon”, he predicted. “Well, maybe not them ones in Greencastle”.
Malloy’s first foray into the CD market was the purchase of Daniel O’Donnell’s ‘Moon Over Ireland’ album. Unfortunately, he got so excited about hearing the Donegal pensioner-botherer, the CD got badly scratched when Malloy got confused and tried to play it on his old record deck.
“Fitting 70 minutes of music onto this wee disc thing is deadly”, enthused Malloy. “In like a hundred years, they might find a way of squeezing maybe 2 hours onto it, but I’m not holding my breath. Jaysus, it would be like something out of Doctor Who or Space 1999”
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Future Of Tyrone’s Coastguard Helicopter In Jeopardy As Pilot Held To Account
On duty, this morning
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
The future of Tyrone’s coastguard service lies in doubt amidst claims that the helicopter pilot employed by the Coastguard was witnessed on several occasions using the aircraft for his own personal use. Kieran Doherty of Trillick was allegedly seen landing in the Tesco car park in Dungannon to use the cash dispenser two weeks ago on Saturday. He defended his actions, saying:
“I thought I saw someone close to the edge of the lake in Dungannon Park. You can’t be too careful you know. I went in to make an emergency landing but she over-shot and accidentally landed in Tesco’s car park. Just next to the cash point. And anyway, I could hardly have landed in Dungannon Square, could I? It’s heaving on a Saturday afternoon”.
Doherty has also had to defend accusations that he hovered at less than 50 feet above the pitch for the entire second half at last Sunday’s match at St Colmcille’s football ground between Carrickmore and Eglish, allegedly to get a pilot’s eye view of the game. “Not true” said a heated Doherty.
“I just happened to be flying by and saw a whole lock of people waving and shouting. We’re trained in the Coastguard that that sort of thing can often be a sign of people drowning, so I went in for a closer look. By the time I realised all was in order, Mark Donnelly had scored two brilliant goals and was going for the hat trick. Deadly. He’d probably have got it if the ball hadn’t flown into the rotors. Some boy that Donnelly”.
The claims come at a time when many people are questioning the benefit of the Coastguard service, which is based at Omagh. The helicopter, an Agusta Westland AW139 model, currently costs the public purse more than £1m each year to operate. “It’s ridiculous” said local MP Sean Cribben, an opponent of the service. “It’s utter madness to have a coastguard helicopter for Tyrone when any idiot can see it’s a bonkers idea. A lifeboat would be much more cost effective”.
Criticism has also come from certain parts of the county who have been distressed by the presence of the helicopter. Stewartstown residents in particular have been reported as being terrified of the “big noisy sky bird”, and have run into their homes screaming.
Moy Accordion Player Admits To Being Way Out Of His Depth During Session With Eglish Band
Sharkey, before the Polka
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
An inexperienced session musician has admitted to being way out his comfort zone during a session at Tomney’s in the Moy on Monday night. Noel Sharkey, 78, of Gorestown Road had been touted as the best musician to come out of The Moy since Ryan Kelly after he won the tin whistle solo in P7 playing Roddy McCorley at the Dungannon Feis in 1941.
“It was cat” said Sharkey, still shaken by the experience. “It was all going fine to start with. The Eglish crowd let me play alongside them and we were doing Nancy Spain. Nice and easy on the fingers. And then the man on the fiddle decided to up it with Phil the Fluter’s Ball. To make it worse he started tearing away, getting faster and faster. Flip, like there wasn’t enough pressure with all the Moy regulars willing me on without the rest of those lads playing like the clappers and me trying to keep up. I think the fiddler must have smelt the fear off me, the oul Eglish bollocks. I was doing my best but by the time he started onto the Kerry Polka, I just shut my eyes and hoped everyone would think I was really into the session, but to be honest I was just praying it would stop and the sweat was blinding me anyway. At one point I thought my hands were going to fall off. Even the boy on the bodhran seemed to be doing okay, and you know what them lot are like.”
Fortunately, Sharkey had the presence of mind to create a diversion.
“I started throwing in the odd ‘yeooo!’ and ‘hup!’ at the top of my voice like I was mad into it. I saw Christy Moore do it once with the Dubliners on You Tube and thought it was class. Come to think of it, maybe Christy was struggling to keep up as well. He was certainly doing plenty of sweating”.
As the Polka finished, Noel pretended he’d consumed a bad pint, lifted his accordion, made his excuses and headed home. Looking back on the evening Sharkey commented, “Lucky escape. Jaysus, what a nightmare. The longest five minutes of my life. I’ll only be doing Roddy McCorley or Raglan Road from now on”.
Benburb Man Doesn’t Like Champ. Mixed Reception.
No more for Rafferty’s mouth
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A 28-year old Benburb joiner finally admitted to his family yesterday lunchtime that he doesn’t like champ, and never has. Aiden Rafferty’s dramatic ‘coming out’ occurred during a chicken roast dinner at his ma’s house in the Tullydowey Road before Eastenders on RTE, when he finally plucked up the courage to tell his father Tom, mother Mary, and two sisters Roisin and Rachel.
“Growing up I knew I was different to the other kids,” said Rafferty. “They were all just horsing the champ into them like mad and I just wasn’t like that. I was always confused about my feelings towards the potato. Some of the kids used to call me hurtful names, ‘potater hater’ and all that. I tried to ignore the cruel jibes but it was never easy, especially the Dungannon ones at the Academy.”
It has emerged that his family are still adjusting to the news. Late last night a fight was reportedly broken up outside the Benburb Arms involving Tom Rafferty who reacted violently to a bit of gentle slagging about his ‘champion son’ and other potato-related puns.
“When I told my da he just stood up and walked out the room. He only came back when mum brought out the Blue Ribands. He hasn’t talked to me since. I think it’s hard for him to accept me as I am, him being originally from Eglish and all. My mum has been more supportive, and my sister Roisin said that she always suspected I didn’t like champ. I’ve been keeping this inside me for so long, I can now be true to myself and get tore into the basmati rice whenever I like”.
Some locals have reacted badly to the news, calling for Rafferty to be chased out of the townland to somewhere like Donaghmore or Castlecaulfield where other fussy food people live in relevant harmony. Others have welcomed the news, intimating that it will help Benburb stumble into the 21st century.
Rafferty is currently receiving support and counselling from the Champ & Colcannon Aversion Trust in Craigavon, which helps those with potato disinclination. Anyone affected by this article can contact them on 02980 665887.
Eglish Man Breaks Lent. Lets Rip In Aftermath.
McGleenan, after losing to Eskra in 2011
An Eglish Pioneer, John McGleenan, has reportedly smashed his lenten promise in style and is currently ‘worse than ever’ at the cursing, according to his son who has decided to move to Cappagh. McGleenan had lasted over a week without a bad word emanating from his mouth until he heard the result from the Ulster Senior League match between his beloved Eglish and Magherafelt. A former reserve player and waterboy from 1986-1999, ‘Feckin’ John, as he’s called in the area, is a passionate and ardent St Patrick’s supporter but had recently been told to stop his match-going following a high blood pressure reading last month. Enda McGleenan, his 26-year old son and playing member of the senior team, knew his father’s lenten vow of a period of 40-days without cursing was about to end when he got home after the game.
“Ah as soon as the final whistle went I knew it was all over. In normal circumstances a draw in a friendly game with Magherafelt would be seen as acceptable progress, but not when my da’s concerned. He loses the bap completely if we don’t win. Last year we lost to Derrytresk and he locked me in the attic for five hours and burned down the outhouse. We thought the lent cursing thing would help him to curb his temper but it was simply a simmering volcano waiting to explode. 10 days of abstinence erupted yesterday. I muttered “9-all draw” when he asked. He simply set down his knife and fork and walked out to the yard. The next thing I saw was the dog yelping and hurtling through the spring Eglish sky, followed by a string of expletives I’d never even heard of. What is a ‘bollocksing shower of a hoor of a Derry bollocks’ anyway? Made no sense”
Reports suggest that McGleenan went on a rampage for the rest of the day, cursing vehemently at any passers-by regarding land, horse-meat, the Brits, Free-Staters, Europeans, the weather and spuds. 93-year-old Maisie Gildernew near fainted after hearing rude words she’d last come across when the Yank soldiers stopped off at the Brantry in 1942.
New Reality TV Show For Benburb. ‘Wreckin About’ To Air In July.
Benburb on a Saturday
A new reality TV show is to be launched in Benburb later in the year as part of the Benburb Sunday celebrations. Filmed entirely in the area, the show is set to follow three families around for 24 hours a day for ten weeks, called ‘Wreckin About’. Despite initial apathy towards the idea amongst the locals, the Dutch TV company BSE managed to convince three families in the area to take part in the programme which will record their every second on camera, be it at work, home or just wandering about the fields. The first to sign up were the Glackans, one of the quietest families in the area. Gertie Glackan explained their decision:
“Ah sure isn’t it great. They did a trial run last week and all went well. I was afraid there wouldn’t be much happening in the house or Benburb itself and people would turn off the TV in their droves. But you just don’t realise the dramas that happens week in week out. Didn’t the top shower start leaking. It was some handlin. The cameras were up like a shot and filmed the drip. Then a tiler from the Moy turned up to give a quote to fix it. He said £120 all in – £85 for the labour and £35 for the sealant. Well didn’t my Patsy go clean mad and called him all the fleecing bastards of the day and a typical Moy thieving bollocks. It was very dramatic. I pretended to cry to add to the whole atmosphere. Them Dutch ones were loving it.”
The identity of the two other families remain a mystery at the minute but speculation is rife that the Martins, the blow-ins from Eglish who encounter bad manners from locals on a daily basis, have signed up to the project. Last year there was a bit of a scandal when Leo Martin was called ‘an oul woman’ by the Benburb Church cleaner after he turned up for service wearing a jumper tied around his shoulders.
The show will air in July.
Moy Woman Gets Tattoo. Locals Give Verdict.
Llama in the Moy
Miss Moy 1988, Pamela Jordan (42), ‘went ahead anyway’ and got a tattoo of a llama on her outer thigh despite reservations expressed in the hamlet during the week. Jordan became the first Moy woman to go under the needle since Kirsty Mackle had a small gnu tattooed onto her heel in 1986. They remain the only people from the area to sport a tattoo. Eglish have reportedly seventeen people with skin graffiti. Tyrone Tribulations went out and about The Moy this morning to gauge reaction to Jordan’s decision.
“Well Holy Jaysus. Why in under God did she go ahead with it? She was a great looking young girl. That Miss Moy ’88 has gone to her head altogether. It’s in them Jordans. Her great aunt Elma was the first woman in the Moy to wear a short skirt, in 1949. I remember the local PP fainting when she went up for communion. To be fair, attendances went up. Something for the dads.” PADDY HOLMES (88)
“A llama. A buckin llama. What is wrong with a chinese proverb or some kind of celtic thing? It’s in them Jordans. Always thinking they’re pioneers. See them llamas, when they don’t like the eye in your head they start spitting, kicking and neck wrestling. Give it three months and all the young girls will be spitting and neck wrestling. I don’t mind the kicking.” SUSAN GLACKIN (55)
“Ah sure isn’t it great. A bit of positive news for the village. Although it’s in them Jordans, she’s free to do what she wants with her thighs. As for the llama, sure isn’t better than my nephew from Eglish who got one of a cock. Or was it a hen? I cannot remember but it was some kind of fowl. Some dick. Not the tattoo, him.” DENISE MARTIN (45)
“A gnu. Now a llama. Next they’ll be devil worshipping or snorting meth.” FR TOBY CASSIDY (71)
Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2
FOR SALE
Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH
Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON
Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH
Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY
Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE
Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA
Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH
Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE
Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK
Eglish Entrepreneur’s Dragons’ Den Dejection
Self-styled madcap Eglish inventer Mattie Glackin has slammed the judges from the BBC show Dragon’s Den after being rejected by all five dragons following his sales pitch which fell on deaf ears. The show, which sees entrepreneurs attempt to secure funding from rich benefactors (dragons) for their innovative idea, saw its biggest viewing figures in Tyrone since the series began. A total of 68 people watched Mattie hit the dragons with everything he had, only to fall short of the mark in spectacular style. Earlier, Glackin gave his reaction:
“Shower a fcukers, the lot of them. How could they not be impressed, especially with my first proposal – the Spovel. The Spovel is a mixture of a spade and a shovel. You can dig holes with it as a spade and in order to shovel the soil away you press a button at the top of the shaft and hey presto – curved walls appear on either side of the spade. I showed it to the lads down the club the day before and one fella said it was class. Not these hoors. That Duncan Ballantyne boy said it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever seen. I nearly rammed the Spovel up his hole right there and then. I should have.”
Undeterred, Glackin managed to pull out two more inventions only to be faced with the same response only on a much blunter scale.
“I then showed them the Bocks. The Bock is a boot with a sock already inside it, attached. I tried it for a week beforehand and I found that I cut my getting ready time in the morning by at least 45 seconds. There was no need to be looking for socks. One of the dragons asked for security to remove me at this stage. Before they arrived up the stairs, I showed the dragons my Spork – a mixture of spoon and fork. The woman dragon told me never to darken their doors again “with that shite” she says. The tall boy at the end of the line said the Spork already exists and that I would be hearing from a solicitor. All-in-all it was a horrific experience. I was glad to be back in Eglish. I’ve already received six orders for the Bocks from local builders.”
Glackin says he remains positive about his future and aims to shatter the local impression of him as a ‘useless oul bollox’ as described by his old headmaster. He is currently working on a ‘Studgel’ – a stick and a cudgel all in one – an instrument you can use as a walking stick as well as a weapon for fighting outside discos at the weekend.
Benburb Priest Rares Up Over Parking Spot
Well known Benburb cleric, Fr McNally(originally from Maghery), has stunned the Benburb parishioners by going on a verbal rampage during Stations of the Cross tonight in St Mary’s Church. It has emerged that the reason for his outburst surrounded the decision of sacristan Mrs Gildernew to park in his spot outside the vestry door. Although the car park was three-quarters empty, Fr McNally took issue with the sacristan’s manoeuvrings, three minutes before he arrived on the scene.
“I’d never seen the likes of it,” avid church-goer Kitty Mulgrew told us. “The good Father just went berserk calling the whole parish a ‘bunch of selfish pricks‘. He said that’ll be the last time he’ll set foot in this ‘hellhole of a place‘. Then he lit on the Gildernew family saying they were a shower of Eglish blow-ins anyway. It was savage stuff.”
An artist’s impression of Fr McNally
Things took a turn for the worse when he ordered the altar boys to bounce Mrs Gildernew’s car out of his parking square. The young boys, aged 8-11, only managed to slightly move her Ford Ka before Mr Gildernew arrived with a shotgun. Mulgrew added:
“It was like a real western scene, the likes never seen in Benburb before. Patsy Gildernew told the altar boys to get back into the vestry but the Father was blocking their way. It was only when Gildernew threatened to blow his head back to Maghery that Fr McNally relented. Jaysus we thought it was one of them British soaps.”
Mrs Mulgrew has since resigned from her sacristy post and took a taxi home, leaving the car there for badness.
Tyrone Tribulations 