Category Archives: Kildress
Kildress Father Gets Cufflinks Again For Father’s Day. Hits The Drink.
A Kildress father of 10 has been drinking since 8am this morning after being given another set of cufflinks for Father’s Day by his children. Patsy McClean, a 47 year old oil baron, immediately cracked open a bottle of Pinot Grigio and is reportedly on his third bottle at midday. Before incoherence set in, he told us:
“That’s fourteen sets of buckin cufflinks I own now. FOURTEEN! And do you know what the best of it is, I don’t even own a shirt with sleeves on it. Everyone knows that Kildress men wear short sleeves all year around, apart from that lad who dared to wear a long-sleeved effort in 1988 at the missions. He was burned out of it. Cufflinks for feck sake. What’s wrong with a spanner or sandals? Can these children not buckin think for one day in the year?”
McClean’s wife is denying any knowledge of the purchase but admits she thought they were nice ones with a picture of Padre Pio on one of them and Louis Walsh on the other:
“Ach, Patsy gets easily upset about these things. Like, last Christmas I got him another packet of Portrush Rock as I remember he told me years ago that he liked the look of them. OK, that’s the tenth year running I’ve got him the rock but this year he flipped out and went on a rampage around Kildress kicking hedges and stuff. He’s a wee bit sensitive in his middle age”.
Neighbour Gary Hurson, sporting a flashing pair of shamrock cufflinks, reckons it’s going to cut up rough before the day’s out:
“He’s fairly wolfing down that wine stuff. I can hear him singing The Men Behind The Wire already. It’s only a matter of time before he’s bare-chested, fighting the eldest sons out in the garden. This is gonna be some craic”.
Tyrone Lord Mayor Dermot Donnelly has set up a helpline to council fathers who have been forgotten about by lazy children.
Tyrone Counting The Cost Of A Warm Weekend
Kildress man this morning
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
People in the county this morning woke up to yet another hot day, with many yearning for the typical Tyrone summers of drizzle, cloud and the occasional sleet shower.
“Last night in bed was just awful”, said a 62 year old man from Sandholes who asked not to be named. “Jaysus, I was sweating like a galloping stallion. I had to strip off the flannelette long johns at one point it was so hot, and then did the missus not start getting ideas in her head. I had to turn on the light to wise her up”.
Men are facing the prospect of now having to change their shirt at least once a week before children and elderly relatives start passing out from the overpowering smell, whilst many others have spent the weekend searching through car manuals to find how to switch the air conditioning on.
“This weather’s appalling”, said Jack Dolan, a door handle polisher from Kildress. “All we’re after is a wee bit of nice summer weather and what have we got? Scorching hot sun. Disaster. I’m sure it’s not my imagination, but years ago the summers seemed to be much better. Do you remember that summer of 87? Poured with rain every day for a month. Mighty. The Tones play deadly in the wet”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone Council agreed.
“What we yearn for is the summers of yesteryear when a Tyrone summer was a proper summer. Lashing rain. At least we knew where we stood. We’re not set up for sunny days. We made the mistake of announcing on Saturday that it was 23 degrees in the shade. So a whole bunch of people from Stewartstown decided it would be better to stay the sun. We didn’t think it through”.
Dungannon Hospital confirmed that it has had an unprecedented number of people turning up with sunburn. “What are they playing at?” said Sheila Quinn from Edendork, one of the doctors on duty over the weekend. “Half of the people in this county would get third degree burns going out under a crescent moon, never mind a boiling hot sun. It’s tara. We admitted one man yesterday with the worst case of sunburn on his legs I’ve ever seen. We had to prescribe Viagra just to help keep the sheets off it”.
The Met Office confirmed that torrential rain is forecast for the rest of the summer.
Ardboe Pensioner Creates 5-Mile Tailback Going to Omagh
Gonzales Quinn last week
An Ardboe octogenarian created havoc in mid-Ulster yesterday after setting out on a 37 mile journey to Omagh to visit a sister he hadn’t seen since 1988. James ‘Gonzales’ Quinn, a former eel skinner and well known for his speedy knife method, cranked up his 1957 Wolseley for a journey that would hold Tyrone to a standstill as 944 motors found themselves stuck behind him up the Omagh Road for almost four hours. One such driver, Peter Devlin from Carnan, explained:
“Jaysus it was cat. I was also heading to Omagh to pick up a part for a woman’s undergarment when I found myself directly behind Gonzales at the Cookstown roundabout. I remember being stuck behind him in 1996 but overtook him when he stopped the car near the Battery for a bite of a sandwich. This time, he wasn’t stopping. Twice I made the move to go by him only for Gonzales to veer right over the middle lines. Any other man and you’d think he was winding you up. Not Gonzales. He’s just a wild man at the wheel, and him doing 20mph.”
By the time Quinn reached Kildress, a line of 200 cars had formed behind him, mostly at a snail’s pace. One impatient passenger, reportedly a postman from Coagh, took a head stagger and went on a rampaging 70mph bolt up the wrong way, only to be catapulted up a side road towards Greencastle when Gonzales edged out at the last minute. Paddy McCann told us:
“I saw a cavalcade going past the house at Sandholes, so like any other right-thinking man I joined in. The whole family were greatly excited in the motor, guessing away at what the queue was for. I was thinking maybe a bouncy castle at Gortin but the wife was hoping for a half price day at the Centra in Drumragh. It was a bit of a let down that it was only oul Gonzales going up to see the sister. We didn’t reach Omagh til dark.”
Quinn has yet to return as police warn motorists to listen to traffic updates for information on his journey. The PSNI also confirmed they will not be prosecuting the line of toilet-stoppers during the ordeal.
Galbally Rumour That 65-Year Old Starts Tomorrow For Tyrone Is “Pure Balls” Say Officials
Danny, this morning
Tyrone officials have scotched rumours that a Galbally 65-year old is to be a surprise inclusion in tomorrow’s team v Donegal, going as far as to say it was “pure balls”. The story that had been doing the rounds in Galbally and Kildress since the start of the week is that Danny Murphy had been called up to the panel because of his ‘long-kicking’ and ‘high-catching’ as well as being ‘crafty’. Murphy himself appears to have done little to rubbish the rumours by raising his eyebrows and saying ‘you never know’ whilst pretending to jog short distances around his garden. Local hedge-cutter, Tom Loughran, still thinks there’s something in it:
“Listen, there’s no smoke without fire. Danny was a deadly footballer in his day and once scored 0-4 from play against Drumragh in 1979, in their field! People say he scored 0-3 with his right leg and headed one over. It’s the stuff of legend around here and he’s never had to buy a pint since, and him a tee-totaller. I’d say Mickey Harte has been a bit worried about the young lads in his panel and has asked Danny to dig him out. I saw him at the sports day last year and he still has a deadly kick on him. There was a stray buck cat annoying people and he ran over and booted it over the pavillion. Wemen swooned.”
Tyrone officials though have played down the rumour and told us to “catch ourselves on” calling the rumour “the biggest pile of dung they’d ever heard”.
“Pure balls. Why the hell would Mickey draft in a 65-year old from Galbally and there’s Mugsy fixing fences with his togs on raring to go? Anyway, Danny’s blind in one eye and has a bad limp. This is just stupid. I’m putting the phone down.”
Danny has refused to confirm whether he’ll be running out onto the Ballybofey turf, simply telling us “when the seagulls follow the boat, it’s because they’d be thinking it’s the right way to go.”
Cookstown Officially Diagnosed As Stuck In 80s Timewarp
Cookstown man this morning
A bunch of psychologists have today released a 4000-page document confirming what people in Stewartstown and Kildress have believed for years – Cookstown is still stuck in the 1980s in terms of fashion, music and general culture. The startling diagnosis comes in the aftermath of a huge Dallas party in the Glenavon at the weekend when over 3000 revellers came dressed as JR, Bobby and Sue Ellen, i.e. just in their normal clothes. Kirk Kilpatrick from the Drum Road wasn’t surprised:
“No big news really. Sure you only have to dander in to the market on a Saturday and you’ll hear ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet blaring out of the tape decks in their Datsuns down the main street. I go to the Greenvale on a Saturday night and it’s hard to get near the bar at all with the forest of perms and mullets all over the joint. That’s if you didn’t get an eye taken out with the shoulder pads. An awful lot of the lads hanging around the corners have moustaches like Magnum PI trying to chat up women with luminous leg-warmers and fingerless gloves. They make us Kildressians look hip.”
Cookstown mayor Jenny Mulgrew maintains the verdict is nothing to be ashamed of:
“So what? People say the 80s were the best decade what with Rocky 4 and the Rubik’s Cube. Them people in The Rock or Tullyhogue might think they’re ‘with it’ with their mobile phones and cars with 5 gears but put it like this, we still have to find out who shot JR, whether ET gets home or not and if big Art will lead Tyrone to the promised land. Some effin excitement ahead of us.”
Eoin Mulligan is to be approached about bring the town into the 90s by running a few raves at his pub.
Miss Cookstown 2013
Kildress Man Has Operation On Appendix. Given Sex-Change By Accident, Or So He Says.
McGurk, Portrush Harbour
A Kildress labourer got the shock of his life yesterday after he emerged from three hours of intensive surgery to remove his appendix, or so he says. Anton McGurk booked himself in for his appendix operation after complaining of a burning sensation near his belly button for the guts of three months. An hour after the operation he got up to go to the toilet but found himself walking into the women’s cubicle instinctively.
“Flip, I wasn’t expecting that. The appendix were giving me awful jip. I told my family and friends all about it beforehand and to give me a bit of space when I came out because my sides would be sore. Little did I know I’d be emerging with a pair of breasts, no yoke, longer eyelashes and a new name, Dympna. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but I suppose you just have to get on with it like. The doctor apologised to me in private and I’m happy with that.”
Anton Dympna McGurk’s brother Leon remains sceptical:
“Appendix my arse. Our Anton always loved dressing up as a youngster in high heels and stuffed bras. Sure last week I caught him trying to parallel park and it took him 12 minutes. He multi-tasks like hell too. On Christmas day he made the dinner, fed and washed the young’uns, hoovered, greeted the guests and did the fire all within half an hour. No man can do that sure. Also, he always called his toy cars girly names and I’m nearly sure his last monster truck was named Dympna too. The appendix is a smokescreen. Kildress is not ready for this yet.”
Anton/Dympna’s parents have refused to comment but it was reported that his father keeps shaking his head and saying things like ‘holy jaysus boys’ in a whispery voice. Dympna refutes allegations that the appendix was a cover for a planned sex-change:
“Not at all. People will speculate but I know I never expected to be wearing a lovely bright blue tie front floral beach dress right now. I’m not sure what handbag goes with it but I rather like the Designer Dark Turquoise Leather Applique Button Purse. It’s gorgeous.”
TYRONE NEWS IN BRIEF
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Kildress baker shop to close
‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.
Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all
Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep telling me it is if it’s not?” said a bewildered Sheeran. “I might as well wait a wee while longer. To be honest, I’m only calling to thank them for sending through the offer on travel insurance”.
Dungannon Square to be re-named
Under new EU rules, Dungannon Square is to be re-classified as ‘Dungannon Trapezoid Rhombus’. Dungannon Councillor and part-time nutter Liam O’Donoghue said, “Well, it’s not an exact square is it? Not a right angle to be seen. Go on, measure it. We’d be a laughing stock if Brussels found out we’re calling it a Square. They’d think we’re all culchies. It’s not going to happen on my watch”. Residents in the Pomeroy Diamond are reported as being nervous.
340 lb Cabragh man didn’t go to doctor to get told to ‘lose some beef big man’.
32-stone Cabragh man Sidney Clarke was reported as being furious last night after having been told he was ‘like the side of a house’ by his local doctor. “I was expecting to get some dietary advice and a few exercise pamphlets all of which I could ignore, just like last time” said Clarke. “Instead, he told me in a very direct and uncompromising manner that I had to lose weight”. Dr Kevin McElhatton said afterwards, “Jaysus. The yoke looks like something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’. All that’s missing is the spear”. Clarke however was livid. “This is a personal affront to my dignity”, he said, before waddling off and stopping to wheeze against the side of a lamp post a few yards up the road.
Tattyreagh author publishes book
In an effort to capitalise on the recent success of the best-selling book ’50 Shades of Grey’, Tattyreagh’s very own Sarah Hagan today publishes her debut novel ‘7 Shades of Shite’. On sale in Costcutter’s, it is an autobiographical tale of Hagan’s own coming to terms with her errant and frequently-drunk husband Seamus, and how she experimented with the erotic and sado-masochistic side of their physical relationship by ‘battering lumps out of him with her ironing board’.
Tarmaced Road In Carrickmore Receives Mixed Reviews
The old concrete road
BY GOMBEEN
A recently tarmaced road in Carrickmore has divided opinion in and around the village with one man calling it ‘the last straw’ for him and his family before heading off towards Kildress. The famous concrete road finally received a makeover last month after fears they’d look bad if Obama popped into the store to buy a lock of hurleys to bring home after the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Funded by the European Union, Carrickmore has received £300 to slap on some paint and tarmac the concrete road in a whole infrastructure upgrade to impress the Yanks if they did happened to pass through. Greg McNally (66) was not overly impressed:
“Typical middle-class outlook here these days. They didn’t want Obama thinking we were poor so they threw a coat of emulsion over The Corner and The Credit Union. I can take that I suppose. But now they’ve tarmaced the concrete road. This the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. You only have to walk into a house in the Carmen and you’ll see microwaves, TV remotes, headache tablets, kettles and oil-fired heating. That’s not the Carrickmore I know and love. Now they’ve tarmaced the buckin road. Why does everything have to be smooth these days? We’re all off to Kildress where the people still live at one with the wild.”
Not all shared McNally’s pessimism. Linda Hurson, a 39-year old unpublished writer, claims the new road is a deadly job:
“McNally would need to wind his neck in. Like the electric shaver and firelighters, the tarmaced road is here to stay. Women from Carrickmore couldn’t get jobs for years because they were applying make-up on the old bumpy concrete road and were going into interviews looking like drunk clowns. Now I can put on the heavy concealer no bother. My young lad doesn’t throw up as well. Obama’s going to think we’re flipping like the Chinese. Brilliant use of the funding.”
The official opening of the tarmaced road will take place tomorrow night with protesters warned they’ll get a good kicking if they attend.
Kildress Woman Told To Leave The Area For Using Big Words. “That’ll Learn Her”.
McNally stood out
By Gombeen
A returning Kildress student was banished from the mid-Ulster townland after using a succession of big words over two nights during Easter celebrations in the Kildress Inn. Gretta McNally has spoken of her disillusionment at having been rejected by her people despite achieving a 2:2 in her Arts Photography degree at the University of Ulster in Coleraine.
“Typical Kildress. As soon as you step outside the norm you’re there to be shot at. When I did well in my A Levels I had hordes of well-wishers back-slapping me off to university. The local club even ran a fundraiser. Deep down I suspected they thought I’d come back with my tail between my legs, drunk out and expelled from the University within a month. Well, I stuck at it, got my degree and now I’m homeless because of it. As soon as I got off the bus last week I was met with a torrent of sly digs. I asked for a pint of lager and the barman said under his breath ‘I’m surprised it’s not a Martini on the rocks’ and gave me a dirty look. That was the start of it.”
A different story emerged when we spoke to local boiler servicer Lionel McClean.
“That blade got what she deserved. She swanned into the Arms with her fancy thoughts and degrees and all that. When I heard her say she liked the ‘interior design’ of the pub, well, that was enough for me. What’s wrong with the word ‘inside’? The next night she said ‘when is the Tones’ initial match?’. Initial? Initial? Spit the buckin marbles out girl. We’re not impressed. So we went down to her da’s house and told him she must leave or we’d burn them out. He agreed and said he himself couldn’t stick her saying the dinner was ‘splendid’. That’ll learn her and any other youngster who has fancy-dan thoughts of education.”
Gretta is currently wandering the hills around Pomeroy and has vowed to work on toning down her vocabulary so she can return for Christmas.
Greencastle, Kildress, Gortin & Donemana Call For Relocation Of Sperrins
Should I stay or should I go?
By Gombeen
Following on from yesterday’s news that Greencastle had tabled a motion at the Tyrone Congress that the Sperrins be moved from their present location, it has emerged that they have received vociferous backing from Kildress, Gortin and Donemana. In an added twist to the sensational developments, Glenelly, Strabane and Plumbridge have promised to fight tooth and nail to keep the mountain range exactly where it is for varying reasons. Donemana’s Richard O’Neill explains the stance of the four pro-removal townlands:
“Yousins in the rest of the county don’t know what it’s like to wake up til this giant thing towering over you everyday like big mad parent. Every buckin day. And what it is? A big hape of moss and bogland – useless to man and beast. They talk about the beauty of Mullaghcarn Mountain. It’d be damn well beautiful to me if it was sitting in Benburb or Trillick. And it’s freezing here. The sun can’t get at us. Sure you only have to look at the complexion of us indigenous peoples stretching the whole way across to Lissan. You’d think we’d been in solitary confinement all our lives with the gaunt skin and bags under the eyes. There’s so much we can’t see here – Portrush, the Aurora Borealis and the North Pole. It’s just not fair and another thing – there’s no drying at all here if the wind is coming from the north. That gigantic useless lump of turf blocks the whole thing. We’re calling on the Tyrone Sperrin Society to consider moving the range to the south west of the county of maybe abroad to Portygal or Egypt.”
Glenelly’s tourism spokesman, Eddie Parton, refutes the claims of the foursome:
“Listen, if them mountain glipes from Kildress hadn’t cut down all the trees 6000 years ago then it’d be a thing of beauty. They’ve greedily bogged the land out with their incessant burning of things. They’re always burning things down there. The Sperrins are crucial to tourism around these parts. Hikers usually try to go up them only to find it’s too wet and soggy and just freewheel down to here or to The Plum to buy coats and flasks and things. The Sperrins are here to stay I say. What about that lovely song concerning Slieve Gallion Brae:
My name is Joe McGarvey as you might understand
I come from Derryginnet and I own a farm of landAre there better lyrics on the planet than that opener?”
The four protagonists have been slow to distance themselves from a telephoned threat from a group calling themselves the Strabane Slashers to the tourism board warning that if the vote doesn’t go in favour of the removalists, they’ll blow the mountain range up anyway. Richard O’Neill added:
“We do not condone the use of explosives to rid ourselves of this monstrosity but let’s not get carried away. There’s worse things in the world than a couple of lads from Strabane blowing up the Sperrins.”
The Tyrone tourism board are to make a decision next week. They will also try to ask the Sperrins themselves by listening to the ground with a cocked ear.
More Snow In Kildress Than In Arctic. Eskimo Settlers Mostly Welcomed.
Breaktime at Kildress P.S.
In their latest newsletter, Nasa scientists have confirmed that Kildress is the most snow-covered area on the planet, beating both polar regions, Siberia and Alaska into the bargain. In an example of its tendency to attract crystalline water-ice, a flash flood on Thursday morning saw three feet of snow fall in ten minutes in the area although it was never reported in the news due to the BBCs policy of avoiding Kildress. The 2011 census revealed that there are now 600 eskimos living in and around the Omagh Road, a statistic welcomed by local PR man Jake McClane.
“It’s a match made in heaven. These wee eskimos are bringing great trade to the local shop. They’re constantly buying chisels, fish, animal hides, kayaks and Husky dogs – things we’ve always traditionally stocked here. We get on tarra well too. The language seems to be amazingly similar. They do a lot of ‘umm’, ‘ooooh’, ‘amm’ and ‘me want ham’ and sure we’re just the same. We seem to understand each other perfectly. They also jump up and down a lot beating their chest whilst wrecking things – hey presto – so do we. It’s deadly.”
Archeologists are now looking into the theory that Kildress might have been an early Eskimo or Inuit settlement 4000 years ago, attracted by the unique micro-climate of the area. Another remarkable connection was uncovered last month when ancient Eskimo poetry was translated by Seamus Heaney which identified their word for ‘eternal happiness’ or ‘paradise’ as ‘Kildress’.
“I can’t deny there has been some protests from the Kildress Independent Front but sure those two boys are harmless enough. They’ll soften their stance when they see young Aipaloovik Alacatchi line out for the Wolfe Tones’ Under 14s this year. He’s a hardy wee footballer. Takes no crap. Great hands.”
The Kildress Inn are holding a cultural weekend of arctic festivities including sleigh-racing, snowball-rolling and the building of a five foot igloo on the pitch itself which is sure to pull in great crowds.
Greencastle Man Will ‘Mow The Head Off’ Next Person To Mention The Weather
Tracey this morning
A Greencastle unicycle mechanic, Tommy Tracey, has warned locals that he’ll “mow the head clean off” anyone who mentions anything to do with the weather for the foreseeable future. Tracey, who was arrested three years ago for firing a volley of snowballs at a stranger who wished him a ‘Merry Christmas’ in Omagh, announced his decision in Eddie’s Bar last night.
“I’m sick of that crap. Every day it’s ‘Jays it’s a cold wan’ or ‘gives it bad tomorrow’. Is there nothing else to talk about? Horse borgers, the Superboul, Tulisa’s skirt – there’s loads going on out there. But not here in Greencastle. It’s rain this, snow that. I can’t give two fecks if you’re foundered or sweltering. The next person who mentions anything to do with the weather in my vicinity will have their features rearranged, permanently. I mean it.”
Tommy didn’t stop at that and proceeded to list a plethora of topics which are now banned whilst in his company:
“Distance. I don’t care how far it is from Greencastle to Moortown avoiding the Omagh Road. Last week I said to a lad in the bar that I was thinking of going to Belarus this summer. You know what he said? “What road would you take out to that?” We’re obsessed with distances, roads and the weather. And just to reiterate – no happy birthdays or any seasonal greetings in my company. Happy birthday my hole. As if they give a feck about how happy I am on my birthday. I never get people asking me how happy it was after it is over. Save your buckin breath will yiz.”
A group of lads from Kildress are reportedly gearing up to torture Tracey this weekend at the senior friendly between the sides by talking about the weather, distances and roads whilst greeting each other at regular intervals.
Out and About – Hopes For 2013
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS
Kildress Senior Citizen Christmas Dinner Ends In Carnage
Loughran and Quinn before dinner was served
The annual Kildress Christmas dinner at the weekend saw scenes of violence not witnessed in the area since the 1822 McGurk/McHenry feud over access to a field. Tempers had been fraying in the preceding weeks between two of the more elderly locals over the choice of sauce for the turkey. Maisie Loughran (93) insisted that the sauce has always been Cranberry and that’s how it would be come December 9th (yesterday). Paudie Quinn (88) disagreed:
“Her head’s cut and it has been since 1994. I’ve been attending the SC Christmas dinner for twenty years now and the sauce has always been chestnut sauce. Without fail. That oul witch was just causing bother because her arch nemesis Jacinta McIntyre was doing the singing for a change this year. She has a wonderful voice, a much better alternative to the cat-screeching coming out of Maisie’s gob. There’s only so many times you can listen to ‘Cloak Of Many Colours’ in the wrong key.”
Things cut up rough when dinner was served and Maisie’s sauce was poured. Old People’s Home director Sandy Castle took up the story:
“It was a bloodbath. As soon as the chestnut sauce was poured, Maisie gingerly lifted her plate full of food and eventually fired it straight at Paudie’s face, the turkey hanging from his nose. It all went off from there. Paudie made his way over to Maisie’s chair after a few minutes and started pulling the hair off her. Others waded in and it was like watching a WWF fight in extreme slow motion. Century-old vendettas surfaced and the McGurk/McHenry residents bate the heads clean off each other with walking sticks and denture creams. It was disgraceful but it has managed 7000 views on YouTube and hopefully I can sell the Director’s Cut stuff at Nutts Corner this weekend. Savage stuff. Jacinta was singing away throughout it all ‘I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Clause’, oblivious to the war scenes around her, God bless her.”
Police arrived before dessert was served to restore peace and order. One was hit with a piece of Christmas cake as they left.
Tyrone Lonely Hearts – Volume 3
Beragh ex-English Literature teacher (66) seeks a wholesome woman with good teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, with eyes no matter what colour so they are but expressive; of a healthy complexion, rather inclin’d to fair than brown; neat in her person, her bosom full, plump, firm and white; a good understanding, without being a wit, but cheerful and lively in conversation, polite and delicate of speech, her temper humane and tender, and to look as if she could feel delight where she wishes to give it. No Clogher women need apply.
Ardboe man (54), unemployed clown, seeks woman with no bodily deformity.
Fintona gardener (55), ploughing the loneliest of furrows, twelve personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from the library. Seeks anyone.
Strabane woman (44), pessimistic, practical and forward thinking, would like you to list your top 10 treasured possessions – just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up.
Brocagh lad (23) seeks a woman who is a man. Sorry mummy.
Compulsive-eating Galbally woman, 52, would like to meet a man of up to 25 for whom the phrase ‘beauty is only skin-deep’ is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos.
Kildress window-cleaner, 50, in desperate need of a ride, anything considered.
Plumbridge Lady, 49, seeks companion to ramble around Gortin Glen with. I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me, but I can promise you the best home-brewed brandy ball poitin you’ll have ever tasted.
Moortown carpet fitter, 39, will entertain anyone from totally blind to completely incapacitated. Will treat you to the finest collection of dried stuffed eels this side of the lough. Weekend taxidermist.
Derrytresk plumber, 61, seeks woman with boat. Please send photo of boat.
Predicted Severe Winter in Kildress May Not Be Accurate
Kildress man preparing for winter
Despite earlier predictions of a record-breaking savagely cold winter in mid-Tyrone, locals in Kildress have received communication which casts doubt on that original analysis of a seasonal hardship. Kildress is one of the last townlands in Ireland that still maintains a clan-like system with a leader voted in every four years, one calendar month after the American president is sworn in. He or she is elected on their ability to be at one with nature and possess the talent to predict weather changes in the immediate future as well as long-term for the important farming community. Current leader, Tommy Higney, a surprise choice four years ago, was exposed last night by his secretary as a fraud:
“It was that time of the year again when Tommy was being constantly approached to give his pronouncement on the winter. I knew he wasn’t a natural at that. He told me to phone up the NI Meteorological Dept and put him through. I heard the whole thing. He asked them what they thought about the winter coming. They said it was likely to be cold enough. He said rightso and then told everyone in Kildress to stock up on wood as it’ll be a cold one.”
Higney didn’t stop there though. So that the locals thought he was a truly reliable leader, he kept in touch with the Dept for constant updates.
“Every time he phoned he’d get more accurate news. The second time they said it would be even colder than they first thought. Tommy went straight out and told the locals to cut down even more trees and store them for winter. The third time he was told it’d be a severe winter. Same story again, Tommy declares after mass that they need to prepare for the worst winter in 100 years by stockpiling wood.”
Fearing for his community’s well-being he made one more call to the Meterological crowd to ask how they arrived at their analysis for the coming season. Secretary McGurk explained:
“I heard the whole thing. They firstly told Tommy that this’ll be the worst winter on record be he asked. He flipped out and asked how they could predict this worsening scenario. Yer man said it was classified information but as Tommy was an avid weather watcher, he’d let him in on the secret. They predict the future by watching Kildress people and their tree-cutting habits. The more they cut, the worst the weather was going to be, said the official, and they’d been cutting like mad lately. Tommy nearly choked. I barely muffled my laughing.”
Mary McGurk immediately exposed Higney’s backhandedness and declared herself a runner for the forthcoming elections.
Galbally Man Says He’s Deadly At Javelin
A Galbally boiler servicer announced yesterday that he’s on course to reach the Olympics in Brazil 2016 at the javelin throwing. Mark Kerlin took the decision to train for the next Olympics in Rio after attending the London games earlier in the year with his father Joe, a former arm-wrestling champion at Galbally sports day.
“I only went to see yer man Bolt and the javelin was on at the same time. I know I was high up, and steaming as well, and that may have distorted my judgement but, Jaysus, them throwers were pure shite. My da agreed with me. He said he has thrown children further. It was then that it dawned on me. In a drunken pledge, I decided to get myself into shape and throw for Ireland in the next Olympics. I am going to put this place on the map. Imagine them Brazilians saying Galbally.”
It took Kerlin a while to get the rhythm
Kerlin managed to steal a javelin from the local primary school and set to work around the back of his house, throwing the thing “3 or 4 times a day”.
“I’m not saying it was easy at first. I spiked the neighbour’s Labrador with my first throw as well as other fatal mishaps. Half of my left ear is missing. What? But I soon got into a rhythm and, with the support of my good wife who tramps out the distance each time, I’m up to 15m a throw. The Irish record is 70m. It’s only a matter of time bejaysus. The cars on the main road probably think there’s something wrong with me when they see me hurling the thing, dressed in a sports vest. Well, I’ll have the last laugh when I line out in Rio de Janeiro, the sniggering fcukers. I can hear what they’re shouting out the window.”
The boilerman has started asking for sponsorship but has not managed to secure any funding from local businesses, labelling them “a miserable shower of fcuking stingy bastards. Typical Galbally hoors. I’m moving to Kildress.”
More Sober than Drunk in Kildress for First Time
Kildress teachers, first day back
The Tyrone Pioneers’ Association released their annual sobriety statistics yesterday with the highlights including a higher number of sober men that those permanently drunk in Kildress for the first time since records began in 1909. This startling stat comes as no surprise to the housewives of the area who have put in a sustained and sterling effort since 2010 in order to dry out their husbands, boyfriends, fathers and sons.
Mrs McGurk told the Tyrone Tribulations office:
“You notice the difference. In the past the bin-men, plasterers, joiners, sparks, doctors, teachers and priests were all too drunk to do their jobs successfully, or even at all. There was rubbish all over the fields, houses were dilapidated, no electricity for weeks, women being misdiagnosed as pregnant when they’d just put on beef, children running wild on top of school buildings and no masses. The place was a no-go for tourists. BBC were coming here to film footage and pretend it was Africa for their news programmes. A couple of years ago the women of Kildress decided enough was enough.”
McGurk was at the forefront of the ‘Wolfe-Tone Wicked Women’ (WWW) movement which met once a month to share stories about controlling their men, mostly through violence. The first sign that things had turned the corner was when the postman was getting some of the letters delivered correctly. The proof was in the pudding and with the news that 51% of Kildress men are sober at 6pm every day, Mrs McGurk feels the initiative was vindicated but asked women to remain vigilant.
“This is just the start. We can’t allow ourselves to become complacent. Instead of a pat on the back after yesterday’s announcement, I gave my husband an unmerciful hiding last night for just mentioning the word ‘stout’. Next year we want the percentage up again.”
One male source, who did not wish to be named, laughed at the figures released, claiming that a new Russian vodka was virtually undetectable. He told us, “we’ll alwaysh be one shhtep ahead of the wemen. Themsh Portuguese boysh collecting the bins”.
Tyrone Tribulations 