Author Archives: Gombeen
Priest Lambasts “Strictly” From Omagh Pulpit
The Father’s Favourite
Father Roger Hughes, one of the longest serving priests in the Omagh area, has criticised the long-running dancing show on the BBC – Strictly Come Dancing – for its promotion of short frocks and unnecessary gyrations.
Fr Hughes, who won the Omagh Multi-Faith Jazz-Hands dancing competition earlier in the year, claims that the negative effect can be seen in the discos across Tyrone which he attends to make sure the young people aren’t having too much fun, as ‘pain and misery’ gets you closer to eternal bliss.
“I’ve been watching this year’s programme in order to gain tips for next year’s Jazz Hands competition as there’s talk of that young shower of priests entering straight out of Maynooth. All I’ve seen is blades’ knickers as they buck leap across the floor being lifted by big tanned men with questionable sexuality. Last week I saw a blondy girl and I had to re-watch the same clip about 50 times to see if she was actually wearing a skirt at all. Almost broke the Sky box. I phoned the BBC up and said thon girl needs a good long coat on her. I saw the next day she was voted out so my words didn’t fall on stony ground.”
Fr Hughes proceeded to light on X-Factor saying is was a “load of balls, even worse than that Eldorado programme from a few years ago” and that Simon Cowell should be “shot with a ball of his own shite”.
Hughes’ maid, 23-year old former page-3 girl Hillary McCann from Galbally, said she thought the Father was exaggerating a bit:
Sure I see him smirking away to himself and rubbing his knees, especially when his favourite dancer Natalie Lowe is on although he says bad things when her celeb partner gets too frisky.
Hugh O’Neill Had Soft Spot For Armagh, Claims Historian
Hugh had a soft spot for Keady
A Tattyreagh historian, Thaddy Horridge, has claimed that Hugh O’Neill (also known as The Great O’Neill) had a bit of a notion for Armagh and even liked Derry people ‘a bit’.
This revelation has come as an enormous shock to O’Neills in the county as well as the majority of the county’s natives from all clans, with the Donnellys and O’Hagans suggesting he should be stripped of his lofty title as one of the greatest leaders the country has ever seen. Horridge revealed he possesses secret documents supposedly written by Hugh which details a weekend away he had in Keady as well as a meeting he had with a boy from Swatragh.
“It’s obvious from the correspondence I have in my possession that Hugh wasn’t the wholesome Tyrone man he has been made out to be. In one letter he says he headed off to Keady for a weekend with the wife of Turloch O’Hagan. They checked in to a shed-come-hotel in the outskirts of the town and was immediately taken by the beauty of the river Callan and its plentiful trout. I was shocked to read this as I’ve never hear one Tyrone man say anything nice about Armagh at all. It gets worse.”
Horridge details a meeting O’Neill had with a boy Tohill from Swatragh, who was tending to his bull and six cattle, on a journey to Coleraine for some buttermilk.
“O’Neill was quite impressed with the athleticism of Tohill and it is claimed he pleaded with the Swatragh farmer to join his forces where he would he anointed an O’Neill within hours. Tohill rejected the offer, saying he’d rather cut his own balls off than move to Tyrone. Hugh was again impressed with the man mountain’s directness and it was with a heavy heart he had him slaughtered.”
The Donnelly clan leader, Fergus Donnelly of Derrylaughan, says this shows that O’Neill had ‘a bit of a dubious side to him’ and maybe wasn’t ‘the big Tyrone man he said he was’, claiming all Donnellys don’t eat apples as it reminds them of Armagh and that they still use Derry men as slaves.
Indoor-Bowling Brawl Splits Tyrone
An indoor bowling friendly between East Tyrone and West Tyrone ended acrimoniously with threats of drive-by shootings and all-out warfare hanging over the Red Hand bowling community. The annual charity match took place last night in Brocagh with the home side hotly favoured to emerge victorious according to suspicious betting patterns in Toals Bookmakers in Dungannon and Strabane. East Tyrone, with its rich indoor-bowling pedigree, started with an average age of 72 whilst relative newcomers West Tyrone presented a more youthful 66 year old average. The referee, Malcolm Turnbull from Lisnaskea, filed his report immediately before giving the following interview to our indoor bowling reporter:
“It was clear from the start that tensions were high. The West Tyrone side emerged onto the short mats to the tune of ‘The Hills Above Drumquin’ blasting from a ghetto-blaster on the shoulder of their captain, 69 year old Paddy Graham. They seemed psyched, obviously hurting from the previous 45 defeats. Not to be outdone, Masie Davidson herself sang ‘Brocagh Brae’ as she led the East crowd out. I feared the worst and so it turned out after the first end. Henry McCann from the Moy and John ‘Kib’ Foster of Gortin seemed to have their bowls equi-distance from the jack. McCann wasn’t in the mood for calling a draw on that one so the measuring tape was produced, showing it was actually Foster who was closest. That’s when it all kicked off.”
Reports from onlookers suggest that the remaining of the tie was played out with fiery slaggings between competitors filling the air. There were violent debates over the singing ability of Hugh Duncan v Eileen Donaghy, the acting prowess of Birdy Sweeney v Sam Neill, Canavan v McGuigan, Flann O’Brien v Nick Laird, Cookstown Sausages v Omagh Meats and Jerome Quinn v Adrian Logan. Words soon turned to slaps.
“It was when Hugh Morgan said Adrian Logan couldn’t lick Jerome Quinn’s microphone that I heard the slap. When I looked up Morgan was laying prone on the mat. It began to cut up rough. Within seconds, all I could see were walking sticks, dentures, wigs, commodes, vests, viagra, prune juice, wind chimes, magnifying glasses, hearing aids, laxatives, slippers, nice warm sweaters, stuffed animals, cinnamon rolls, jigsaw puzzles, yarn, cotton buds, incontinence pads and currant cake flying through the Brocagh air. It was a war scene. I just left them to it.”
The East Tyrone Bowling Society released a statement this morning saying although they regretted not finishing the game, the West Tyrone squad may sleep with one collective eye open at night. Witnesses in West Tyrone have confirmed that they are stocking up on ammunition tonight for an assault on the loughshore at the weekend.
West Tyrone captain and vice captain send a message to the East
Row Brewing Over Stewartstown Christmas Lights
Stewartstown’s latest acquisition?
The annual turning on of the Stewartstown lights, a highlight in the calendar for many in the whole of Ireland, has descended into a mire of allegations and threats which has left the chance of the extravaganza ever happening doubtful. Previous years has witnessed stars such as Malachi Cush, the Stewartstown Credit Union Manager, Pat the lollypop man, an extra from Titanic, Tommy Corr, Dennis Taylor, Ronan McSherry, Dolly Parton, Jimmy Cricket, a Powerscreen executive and Miss Stewartstown Wrangler Jeans 1977 amongst others turn on the lights. Next week, as in other years, a vote was to be taken between the Christmas Committee members as to who would do the honours in 2012.
“It is a farce. Everyone knew there was a smear campaign against Fergal Logan who was the people’s favourite this year. Fergal has been representing Stewartstown on the national stage for years now through is daring high catches on the field to getting lads off big bans in the court room. He’s an adonis around here. All the wemen are mad about him. We had a fair idea that a group of businessmen wanted a boy who works for that lingerie company Ann Summers to turn on the lights as well as half the men and women. They have this idea that an Ann Summers shop in Stewartstown would be a real goer because of the rampant nature of people in the local area.”
Unfounded rumours began to circulate a month ago that Logan had been spraying random juvenile graffiti around the area about rap stars like Tinie Tempah, Eminem and Vanilla Ice as well as things like ‘We Want Knickers’, ‘I Like Bras’, ‘The Ridin Capital Of Ireland’ and ‘Dickheads do the Double’, an area very close to the hearts of Stewartstown locals. It is also well known that rap music is detested in the area in favour of hip-hop.
“It’s obvious that this was a smear campaign by the Ann Summers campaigners. There’s no way Logan would use the word knickers. Cacks or lady-trunks maybe. Not knickers. And Logan hates Tinie Tempah. He’s more of a Labyrinth man. Fergal would never criticise those signing on whilst working away. Sure they’re his best clients. No, this is an attempt by the Ann Summers shower to gain favour.”
The ‘Ann Summers For Stewartstown’ movement refuted the allegation of a smear campaign whilst reiterating how frisky the locals are, even in the middle of the week.
Tyrone Lonely Hearts – Volume 3
Beragh ex-English Literature teacher (66) seeks a wholesome woman with good teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, with eyes no matter what colour so they are but expressive; of a healthy complexion, rather inclin’d to fair than brown; neat in her person, her bosom full, plump, firm and white; a good understanding, without being a wit, but cheerful and lively in conversation, polite and delicate of speech, her temper humane and tender, and to look as if she could feel delight where she wishes to give it. No Clogher women need apply.
Ardboe man (54), unemployed clown, seeks woman with no bodily deformity.
Fintona gardener (55), ploughing the loneliest of furrows, twelve personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from the library. Seeks anyone.
Strabane woman (44), pessimistic, practical and forward thinking, would like you to list your top 10 treasured possessions – just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up.
Brocagh lad (23) seeks a woman who is a man. Sorry mummy.
Compulsive-eating Galbally woman, 52, would like to meet a man of up to 25 for whom the phrase ‘beauty is only skin-deep’ is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos.
Kildress window-cleaner, 50, in desperate need of a ride, anything considered.
Plumbridge Lady, 49, seeks companion to ramble around Gortin Glen with. I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me, but I can promise you the best home-brewed brandy ball poitin you’ll have ever tasted.
Moortown carpet fitter, 39, will entertain anyone from totally blind to completely incapacitated. Will treat you to the finest collection of dried stuffed eels this side of the lough. Weekend taxidermist.
Derrytresk plumber, 61, seeks woman with boat. Please send photo of boat.
Harte Worried About Mugsy And Crisps
With the recent news surrounding Tyrone GAA’s new sponsors, Mickey Harte has expressed fears that the new partnership may play havoc with his plans to keep tabs on members of the squad who ‘winter too well’ over the non-footballing months. With Kevin Hughes retired, initial hopes were that the Hunky Dory freebies would remain largely untouched, enabling Harte and the squad to deliver the crisps to the less fortunates in Brocagh, Eskra and Dregish. However, all changed with a phone-call the management team received last night from a Healy Park attendant.
“At first I thought it was a wind-up,” an anonymous official told us, “as it was wile cold last night. But I could hear the lads codding about in the background. It didn’t take long to identify the voices: Mugsy, Joe McMahon, Gavin Devlin, big Pascal and Cathal McCarron. The poor Omagh gatekeeper said they were demanding to get training at the field in preparation for next year, even though we’ve given them time off til St Stephen’s Day. The penny soon dropped with me. Them bloody crisps.”
Harte and his team made their way to Omagh only to be confronted by the hungry fivesome, McCarron doing the talking, not a kitbag between them, demanding to hear the full details of the sponsorship deal and when the first batch would be arriving. Negotiations went well into the night with threats of resignations and counter-threats of walking from the panel before McCarron persuaded the others to accept the only deal on the table: 50 packets each for the months of November and December with a renegotiation in January, as long as the other squad players weren’t aware of it, especially Colm Cavanagh and Marty Penrose who also ‘winter well’ at the best of times.
Penrose, in particular, is reported to be devastated that they didn’t pursue his idea of a dream deal with Milky Bars or Snickers.
Penrose and Milky Bars
Coalisland Man Caught Duping Doctor. High Blood Pressure Fraud.
O’Neill’s reading broke records
A Coalisland ex-barrister, Javier O’Neill, is in police custody tonight having been caught fooling the local doctor into claiming for incapacity benefit since 2008. O’Neill (56), officially ‘off on the sick’ at the time, was unveiled as a fraudster after the suspicious doctor admitted he had resorted to setting up CCTV cameras around the town to follow Javier’s movements. Dr Laverty told us:
“I hadn’t slept for weeks thinking about this man. He’d come in to the surgery once a month with a blood pressure reading completely off the scale. It was something like 300/200. In the history of medicine, a reading like this had never been recorded. Add to that, his pulse rate was 180 at resting point. No matter what dosage of tablets I put him on, he’d come back with the same readings. It was either a miracle or this boy O’Neill was a freak of science. Even if you had the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders, you wouldn’t have these readings. This man should have been dead long ago.”
Doctor Laverty travelled the length and breadth of the planet in order to show off the Coalisland man’s readings to medical experts. Unable to find an answer and with the cream of the medical world asking to descend on Tyrone to witness this man in action, Laverty set up a couple of CCTV cameras around the town to capture O’Neill in his daily routine. Nothing showed up until the day of his appointment.
“I was about to admit defeat when I check the cameras just before his arrived. Suddenly I noticed Javier sprinting from the top of Platers Hill to the bottom, half an hour before the appointment. Then he’d run back up again. He did this 7 times in total, a remarkable feat for a 56 year old man. He’d then wipe the sweat from his brow, settle himself and come in for the appointment. That explains the reading. I did always smell sweat but that’d be typical of a Coalisland resident.”
His incapacity benefit of £500 a week was immediately stopped today and other high blood pressure cases are being looked into.
“Baldy Has-Been” Comment Stumps Errigal Contingent. Row Ensues.
Bald Errigal supporter during the brawl
As the Ballinderry contingent left the field last Sunday in Omagh, an unidentified member of their squad shouted a clearly audible comment directed at the celebrating Errigal community on the field. The Ballygawley players and ex-players were initially stumped as to whom the comment was aimed at with the ensuing row boiling over into the long hours of the night outside Quinn’s. Innocent bystander, Phonsie McNally from Keady, was within earshot of the original incident.
“I heard it as clear as you’re talking now. The Errigal players and ex-players were celebrating and mingling in the middle of the field. One of the Ballinderry players shouted across at them ‘and you can feck off ye baldy has-been’. You could see the confusion on the faces of the bald Tyrone lads. Some started pointing at each other with everyone denying it. I can’t beat about the bush. I’m sure it was Peter Canavan he was talking about. But there were at least seven other lads without a hair on their head in that circle, including the fathers and uncles of most of the players. But I think it was Canavan.”
Witnesses say the row escalated during the post-match meal when an unnamed uncle of a family of players in the team went up to buy a pint. Someone shouted “get us one too ye has-been”, resulting in a bar-room brawl never witnessed in Quinn’s since Paddy Russell denied Sean McLoughlin a point in 1995.
“Jaysus it was deadly like. Chairs and glasses were sailing through the midnight air with a whole gang of bald Ballygawley men beating the living daylights out of each other. It was like some kind of bikers’ brawl. All the men with hair just sat there laughing with some betting on the ‘last bald man standing’. Canavan managed to last the pace but you couldn’t help but feel he was the cause of all this. I’m sure Muldoon’s comment was aimed at him.”
Canavan refused to comment but word has been filtering around Glencull since of a man considering the implants.
Omagh Teacher Goes Berserk. Pupil Steals Orange.
The orange looked like this
Omagh teacher Barry Trainer was said to be ‘livid’ today after finding out that some boy had stolen his orange from his desk whilst he was out making coffee in a resource room. An fellow staff member who wishes to remain anonymous said Barry ‘wasn’t himself all day’ after the incident and the senior teachers are trawling through CCTV footage in the corridors in order to spot someone who looks like he has an orange in his blazer.
“Jaysus, Barry was rippin,” Mr X told us. “I’ve known ‘Baldy Bollocks’ (as the lads call him) for 15 years now and he has always eaten an orange at break time in the staffroom. I knew something was up when I heard the roar coming from his classroom. The look of fear off the lads’ faces when they left the room was something I hadn’t witnessed since 1985 and the dying throes of corporal punishment.”
Trainer noticed the orange was missing after he returned from topping up his coffee during a lesson on ‘adding’. After searching under his desk he was alerted to the prank when half the class were heard sniggering. Despite threatening the lads with ‘sorting them out’ if he ever saw any of them out and about Omagh at the weekends, none of the pupils touted on the devilish thief. The Principal, Monsignor Joel Brannigan, said no stone would be left unturned in the wake of this unusual incident.
“There’s no doubt that the orange thief will be caught. It might take time but someone will eventually squeal. I’ve already set the wheels in motion with an immediate ban on Wagon Wheels at the tuck shop. There aren’t many in Omagh who can go a day without a Wagon Wheel, with it full of chocolately delight. CCTV will help too.”
Trainer has vowed to take time off with ‘stress’ until the culprit is caught. Some retired teacher will take his place.
Tattyreagh Wife Superglues Husband’s Hand to Testicles
Dorris, last week.
Doctors at Omagh Hospital were hopeful that Tattyreagh plumber Kenny Dorris will make a full recovery after a domestic spat left the 45 year old needing emergency surgery. Details are still sketchy although all sources confirmed that Mary Dorris exacted revenge on her husband after one flirtatious incident too many. Kenny’s brother Harry was quick to fill in the gaps to our regional reporter:
“Ach our Kenny’s a wile one for the wemen. The same boy would chat up a group of nuns if he was in the form for it. I know Mary had been pissed off with the way he was winking at the blades whilst giving out communion. There’d also been rumours of him plumbing at houses that didn’t need any plumbing. I know surely what kind of plumbing he was at, the dirty bastard.”
As far as we can tell, after one wink too many, Mary waited until Kenny fell asleep last night after he had consumed his nightly quota of eight bottles of stout and a couple of Powers chasers. She seemingly poured superglue over his left hand and placed the same limb over his own privates. Neighbour Jenna Carpenter heard the screams:
“I never heard yelping like it. Being semi-detached ye’d hear them two rowing into the night. This was different. I think poor Kenny got up to go to the toilet at about 8am only to find out that his hand was attached to his balls. Ye shoulda heard the language. It was ‘stupid feckin crazy hoor of a cow’ this and ‘I’ll buckin haunt ye ye bitch’ that. The language was rough now. She was giving as good as she got, calling him all the tramps of the day. Ach to be honest I felt sorry for Big Kenny. He’d always been good to me. Any time I’d need any plumbing he’d be around in a shot. Handsome man too.’
Doctors confirmed they had received a patient with his hand attached to his testicles but reckoned they could separate the two easily enough. They did admit, though, that if the surgery was unsuccessful he’d have to get used to standing like that around Tattyreagh.
Word On The Street – The American Presidency
This morning our journalists asked anyone they could see out walking around about the upcoming American presidential election.
To be honest, I haven’t been following it atall. JACK MCGUIGAN, ARDBOE
I wouldn’t have a clue. Are you from the paper? DECLAN MANGAN, AGHALOO
Eh? Nah, couldn’t care less. It’s wile coul. SEANA JACOBS, DREGISH
Who’s Osama up agin? Romney? Never heard of him. Is he a taig? ASHLEY ROCKS, COAGH
An election. Jaysus it that the next of it? I hear Red Gerry from the Gortin Rd took a bad turn last night. Big drinker. PADDY MAGUIRE, OMAGH
All depends on who the Yanks want bombed next. If one said he’d be bombing Ardboe I’d be on the phone to every Devlin in the States, canvassing. COLM DEVLIN, MOORTOWN
Will ye give me head pace about them fcukers. Will it affect the price of a spud? No. Now away a that a ye. DANNY HASSON, DUNGANNON
Romney for me. I’ve great time for the mormons. FR HUGH O’REILLY, FINTONA
Predicted Severe Winter in Kildress May Not Be Accurate
Kildress man preparing for winter
Despite earlier predictions of a record-breaking savagely cold winter in mid-Tyrone, locals in Kildress have received communication which casts doubt on that original analysis of a seasonal hardship. Kildress is one of the last townlands in Ireland that still maintains a clan-like system with a leader voted in every four years, one calendar month after the American president is sworn in. He or she is elected on their ability to be at one with nature and possess the talent to predict weather changes in the immediate future as well as long-term for the important farming community. Current leader, Tommy Higney, a surprise choice four years ago, was exposed last night by his secretary as a fraud:
“It was that time of the year again when Tommy was being constantly approached to give his pronouncement on the winter. I knew he wasn’t a natural at that. He told me to phone up the NI Meteorological Dept and put him through. I heard the whole thing. He asked them what they thought about the winter coming. They said it was likely to be cold enough. He said rightso and then told everyone in Kildress to stock up on wood as it’ll be a cold one.”
Higney didn’t stop there though. So that the locals thought he was a truly reliable leader, he kept in touch with the Dept for constant updates.
“Every time he phoned he’d get more accurate news. The second time they said it would be even colder than they first thought. Tommy went straight out and told the locals to cut down even more trees and store them for winter. The third time he was told it’d be a severe winter. Same story again, Tommy declares after mass that they need to prepare for the worst winter in 100 years by stockpiling wood.”
Fearing for his community’s well-being he made one more call to the Meterological crowd to ask how they arrived at their analysis for the coming season. Secretary McGurk explained:
“I heard the whole thing. They firstly told Tommy that this’ll be the worst winter on record be he asked. He flipped out and asked how they could predict this worsening scenario. Yer man said it was classified information but as Tommy was an avid weather watcher, he’d let him in on the secret. They predict the future by watching Kildress people and their tree-cutting habits. The more they cut, the worst the weather was going to be, said the official, and they’d been cutting like mad lately. Tommy nearly choked. I barely muffled my laughing.”
Mary McGurk immediately exposed Higney’s backhandedness and declared herself a runner for the forthcoming elections.
Three Carrickmore Men Defy Storm And Drink On
Gormley and Woods hit the beach in NY
Despite repeated warnings to evacuate the area coupled with gusts of up to 85mph, three Carrickmore tourists continued to ‘drink on’ in a beer garden in downtown New York, sparking public statements of disbelief and awe from the highest authorities.
Barney Shields, Tommy Gormley and Kyron Woods had flown out to New York for three days on Sunday on a post-season blow-out which they had planned for ages. Despite warnings of treacherous conditions and the unmissable wailing sirens, the three Carmen men headed on down to O’Neill’s Pub anyway on 37th Street for a ‘lock a pints‘ as the storm hit the city, maintaining that they were always going to get the most out of the much-anticipated trip.
Woods, 36, who’d never set foot outside of Carrickmore before, explained their stance:
“We’d been looking forward til this for ages, boys. There’s no way a drop of water was going to spoil my three days in Amerikay. The Yankee barman wasn’t prepared to stay on after our 5th pint with the wind gathering an all but we toul him to leave us the keys. A nice man, he agreed and ran off. The beer garden was a bit ropey what with the umbrellas flying about, falling bricks and the sheets of hard rain but sure it was no worse than playing Derrylaughan down by the shore on a similar day in March.”
An impressed President Obama mentioned the threesome’s actions during his national address this morning:
“….and some say we are a weak nation. If that’s how the world sees us, well then it’s time we borrowed the willingness to stand firm in the face of adversity from those three Carrickmore heroes in 37th Street. The world watched as they faced up to Hurricane Sandy and said, ‘we ain’t going nowhere’. Up the Carmen I say. Up the Carmen.” (great applause and chants of ‘Carmen’ from Congressmen and women)
Woods, a little perplexed by Obama’s comments, told us:
“I don’t know what he’s waffling on about. I’d already bought six rounds. Them there hoors had only bought four rounds each. I wasn’t leaving til it was all evens. There’s nothing worse than being stung when doing rounds.”
Shields and Gormley were too delicate this morning to comment.
Hallowe’en a “Load of Balls” Claims Benburb Butcher
Jordan, today
One of Benburb’s most colourful characters, Jessie Jordan, has publicly denounced Hallowe’en as a ‘load of balls’ and has refused to partake in any ghoulish festivities around the spookingly week-long festivities in the sleepy hamlet. Driving along Benburb’s ‘Golden Mile’, Jordan’s Butchers is conspicuous with its lack of frightening decorations which adorn businesses such as Mackle’s Craftware and Mullan’s Alternative Medicine Shop on the same road.
“Let me get this out of the road straight away. If any child even thinks about knocking on my premises on Wednesday they’ll be met with a black pudding to the gob. Trick or treat? The trick will be for the accompanying parents dislodging the lamb chops from their backsides. The treat will be all mine watching their tearful retreat. It’s a pile of dung. I’ve already sabotaged five bonfires around the Moy and Eglish. Apple-bobbing? Think I want to dip my bake in a bowl full of the slabbers and snatters of cousins and the like? I’d rather ate a pig’s arse through an electric fence.”
Jordan’s vehement refusal to celebrate the pagan festival seems to date back to an unfortunate incident in 1977 when his mother baked an apple tart for consumption after the bonfire. His sister, Denise, explained:
“Jessie never really forgave my ma for that. He thought he’d play a practical joke whilst everyone was out dancing around the bonfire, half naked. He snuck in and attempted to ate the apple pie and then blame it on the dog. He didn’t know my ma had put the traditional 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p and 50p inside it. She was a generous woman and usually splattered a rake of each coin amongst it so everyone would win a good bit. Poor Jessie threw the whole thing into his mouth. We found him on the floor spitting the last of his teeth onto the floor. It was a bloody sight. He was called Gummy Jordan for years.”
Benburb holds its breath.
Row Over Length Of Time In Shower Destabilises Augher
A photo McKenna took during the debacle
A domestic argument over the length of time spent in the shower has broken Augher’s peaceful aura and threatened to destroy the perception of the village as an ideal holiday destination for people from America and France. Henry and Gretta McMeel had always been considered the pin-up couple for the Augher Tourism Board with their strikingly good looks, lovingly approach to each other and their harmonious effect on the area. All that changed last night when a passer-by, Barney McKenna, overheard a heated exchange emitting from one of their back rooms.
“I was just dandering home from looking at the sheep up the road when I thought I heard raised voices coming from McMeel’s roadside dwelling. Hoping to get a bit of juicy information, I pinned my ear to the window of the back room as the curtains were pulled. I heard Henry saying ‘you’re always fcuking keeping me back washing your oul fcuking hair. How come it takes me five minutes and that includes a fcuking shave. Thirty-five buckin minutes I’ve been sitting here watching this XFactor shite. I could’ve had four pints in me by now for fcuk sake.’ Well, to be honest I almost collapsed from the shock of it. We’ve always looked up to the McMeels. I’ve never heard anyone curse in Augher before. What else does that monster do behind closed doors.”
McKenna continued to divulge information on the exchange and said it wasn’t all one-way traffic, or words to that effect.
“It wasn’t all one way traffic. Yer woman was further away from the window so I only caught bits. I heard her say ‘hairy-arsed bastard’, ‘spend more time in the shower ye smelly hoor’ and ‘alcoholic bollocks’. I can tell you, I don’t know if I can look at the McMeels in the eye again. I told the parish priest and he went into some form of convulsion. This mustn’t get out.”
The Augher Tourism Board has barred all talk of the incident and has warned McKenna that any further gossiping about it will be fatally dealt with.
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 27-28
GLENELLY. Former captain Joseph McCullagh becomes the first man to leave Glenelly for pastures new. There will be a going-away do in the community hall with music supplied by the Plumbridge Brass Band and Joseph’s uncle, Mattie McCullagh, who’s singing songs from the musicals. Festivities start 8pm tomorrow. Come along and see Joseph off in style before his long trek to Bundoran.
MOY. 13th Annual Camel Wrestling Event. A little known fact is that the only two camels in Ireland kept as pets both live in the Moy. This remarkable coincidence has lent itself to a yearly wrestling competition held between both even-toed ungulates. With 6 wins apiece this year’s fight promises to be a real humdinger. Ice cream made from camel milk will be provided for children. First bell rings at 7pm tonight.
TATTYREAGH. Annual bath for brides and grooms-to-be. Come along and witness the bathing of soon-to-be newlyweds in the Ballynahatty Water. Tradition in Tattyreagh dictates that all weddings in the area take place in November. At the end of October, all couples intending to tie the knot that year bathe in the freezing waters as relatives gather and clap. No showers are to take place between then and the wedding. That’s why the women hold flowers, to disguise the odour. First dipping at 11am Sunday.
STEWARTSTOWN. 100th Gurning Competition. Famous for its natural gurners, this year’s Stewartstown gala promises to be special as the centenary gurning weekend gets underway today outside the bank at 2pm. With competitions for all age groups and genders as usual, organisers have opened to competition to pets and livestock. Dan McCann is aiming for the ‘Most Miserable Bollocks’ title for the 5th consecutive year.
Dan McCann. Most Miserable Bollocks 2007-2011
Derrylaughan Lotto Still Not Won After 15 Years
Who wants to be a millionaire?
Probing questions have been beginning to circle around the Clonoe Parish area after it emerged that no one has won the Derrylaughan lotto since its inception in 2001, even the £50 for three numbers. With last week’s winning numbers of 1,2,3 and 4 bringing the tally to 750 weeks without anyone winning more than a tenner for two numbers, punters are asking if this is the toughest lottery in the world.
Asking a £5 entry fee, the Kevin Barry’s lotto is one of the steepest in the entire country, with sellers targeting long distances from Moortown to Majorca. Ballinderry man, Jody McGuigan, summed up the current inquisitive mood:
“With the jackpot now standing at £1.3m it’s hard not to do the Derrylaughan lottery. Like, our own one is about £900 and any time someone wins it you can be sure it’s a McGuckian or a Muldoon. But there’s something funny going on down the shore. I remember reading in the bulletin once that the numbers for the Derrylaughan one was 13, 34, 41 and 66. Sure the buckin envelope only goes up to 26 numbers. I spotted it but said nothing for fear of being sent to the mad house again.”
McGuigan decided to pay a visit to Derrylaughan last Sunday to see if his suspicions were with substance. What he saw will live with him for the rest of his life.
“I went down to watch Derrylaughan play Dromore and had a sniff around. I just wish I’d taken my camera. The clubroom was akin to something you’d see in the Slieve Russell. There were butlers from Derrytresk, maids from Brocagh, a fancy reception where you were given an ash tray of nuts if you sat down at all. The toilets had golden railings and the toilet roll was some kind of velvety tissue from Japan. The car park was full of Mercs, BMWs, 2010 Nissans and boys walking around with bicycle clips on. I saw the chefs making the aftermatch meal of ‘lobster and Mousseline of pattes rouges crayfish with morel mushroom infusion’ and that was just for the away team.”
Derrylaughan Lotto committee chaiman, Michael Saggart, refused to comment and just encouraged people to keep dreaming of that £1.3m prize money before instructing his driver to bring him to somewhere that sells crowns.
Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2
FOR SALE
Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH
Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON
Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH
Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY
Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE
Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA
Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH
Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE
Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK
Loughmacrory People Live Longer. Better Lovers Too.
McAleese after a session with the wife
A group of European scientists have confirmed that people from Loughmacrory live longer and are also more rampant at night. This revelation came as no surprise to the locals who have kept their longevity and virility a secret for fear of outsiders inter-breeding with them and damaging their golden gene pool. The report also suggested that those who lived on farms in Loughmacrory were particularly romantic at all times in the day. Retired headmaster, Hugh McAleese, admitted that although he was happy to see their name on the world map, he was also wary of boys from Omagh, Tattyreagh or America attempting to attract their girls such was their new-found reputation.
“We’ve known this for years. I’m 121 and have no signs of wear and tear. The average age here is about 76. My father had no record of birth but he reckoned he was over 150 by the time he succumbed to a hunting accident. Although there were only 14 in our family he was said to have fathered 60-odd around the country. He was a farmer and there seems to be a correlation between farming and copulation. Them farming girls would be running around buck naked after lads all time of the day. I think it’s the smell of silage and the noises from the livestock. By all accounts, my da was as randy as they come,” McAleese said before offering a seductive wink.
McAleese put forward his theory that because most farming house had no upstairs, it left the farmers with more energy at night not having to climb a flight of 12 steps or so like those houses in Mountfield or Creggan.
“Speaking from personal experience, I went from a three-story house in Drumnakilly to a small farming bungalow at home after I inherited my father’s farm. The wife saw some change in me. I’d come in at six, slap the dinner into me and sure most of the time we just lay down on the spot. We didn’t know whether we were coming or going with all the antics we’d be at. Long healthy lifestyle, endless horizontal dancing – we’ve the life of it in Loughmacrory. C’mere and give us a kiss ye wee cat.”
The Northern Ireland Tourist Board are looking into the potential of a tourism hotspot for stag and hen nights but are sure to meet resistance in the village. In 1996, a similar attempt to tap into the area’s mysticism saw a government official stripped and superglued to a gable wall outside the pub.
Man-Flu Epidemic Sweeps Tyrone
Edendork man, today
An exceptionally acute man-flu episode is apparently rifling its way through Tyrone this week, allegedly originating in Ardboe. Today, Strabane men were reportedly suffering from symptoms which suggests the whole county’s male population is now probably affected. Tyrone women, who are immune to the illness, have been exhibiting unusually less-sympathetic-than-normal responses to the epidemic. Con O’Farrell, a poor sufferer from Brackaville, explained the early telltale signs as well as offering advice for fellow male victims.
“Jeepers, it’s deadly boys. I started snifflin on Saturday night and told the woman I couldn’t light the fire cos of it. Although she was suffering from a migrane herself and was 8 months pregnant, she showed no sympathy at all and the slabbers running clean off me like. The other lads around here said their women were the same. No grief atall. The next day I was hurting everywhere and, again, no TLC was offered. I’ll tell you how bad it was. After she made the dinner, I had to lie down for an hour. I usually do the dishes and all and bejaysus I couldn’t do them cos of the slight pain in my body and the snifflin. I thought I was going to die like. The pain and suffering must be worse than childbirth. Be strong lads.”
Other Tyrone men reported ‘not feeling right’, with many too frightened to help out around the house with fear of collapsing of something. Others confirmed that they found women became sarcastic, cold or unsympathetic towards them. Similar responses were reported by women in Derry, Armagh and Fermanagh.
“Ah fer feck sake”, Deirdre Henderson from Fintona told us, “I have high blood pressure, women’s problems, piles and have borne 13 children. I make the breakfast, get the children out to school and that oul bastard is lying on the couch with a duvet on him watching Loose Women, all because he has a snattery nose and a gentle cough. He won’t even lift his fingers to change the remote for himself, whimpering at the children to help him. I urge all Tyrone women. Stand firm against these shower of useless hoors. The next time he says he thinks he’s coming down with something, he will be. My fist.”
Male doctors have urged Tyrone men to stay positive and remain at home as one cough could infect another batch from a neighbouring townland.
Tyrone Tribulations 