Author Archives: Gombeen
Row Brewing Over Stewartstown Christmas Lights
Stewartstown’s latest acquisition?
The annual turning on of the Stewartstown lights, a highlight in the calendar for many in the whole of Ireland, has descended into a mire of allegations and threats which has left the chance of the extravaganza ever happening doubtful. Previous years has witnessed stars such as Malachi Cush, the Stewartstown Credit Union Manager, Pat the lollypop man, an extra from Titanic, Tommy Corr, Dennis Taylor, Ronan McSherry, Dolly Parton, Jimmy Cricket, a Powerscreen executive and Miss Stewartstown Wrangler Jeans 1977 amongst others turn on the lights. Next week, as in other years, a vote was to be taken between the Christmas Committee members as to who would do the honours in 2012.
“It is a farce. Everyone knew there was a smear campaign against Fergal Logan who was the people’s favourite this year. Fergal has been representing Stewartstown on the national stage for years now through is daring high catches on the field to getting lads off big bans in the court room. He’s an adonis around here. All the wemen are mad about him. We had a fair idea that a group of businessmen wanted a boy who works for that lingerie company Ann Summers to turn on the lights as well as half the men and women. They have this idea that an Ann Summers shop in Stewartstown would be a real goer because of the rampant nature of people in the local area.”
Unfounded rumours began to circulate a month ago that Logan had been spraying random juvenile graffiti around the area about rap stars like Tinie Tempah, Eminem and Vanilla Ice as well as things like ‘We Want Knickers’, ‘I Like Bras’, ‘The Ridin Capital Of Ireland’ and ‘Dickheads do the Double’, an area very close to the hearts of Stewartstown locals. It is also well known that rap music is detested in the area in favour of hip-hop.
“It’s obvious that this was a smear campaign by the Ann Summers campaigners. There’s no way Logan would use the word knickers. Cacks or lady-trunks maybe. Not knickers. And Logan hates Tinie Tempah. He’s more of a Labyrinth man. Fergal would never criticise those signing on whilst working away. Sure they’re his best clients. No, this is an attempt by the Ann Summers shower to gain favour.”
The ‘Ann Summers For Stewartstown’ movement refuted the allegation of a smear campaign whilst reiterating how frisky the locals are, even in the middle of the week.
Tyrone Lonely Hearts – Volume 3
Beragh ex-English Literature teacher (66) seeks a wholesome woman with good teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, with eyes no matter what colour so they are but expressive; of a healthy complexion, rather inclin’d to fair than brown; neat in her person, her bosom full, plump, firm and white; a good understanding, without being a wit, but cheerful and lively in conversation, polite and delicate of speech, her temper humane and tender, and to look as if she could feel delight where she wishes to give it. No Clogher women need apply.
Ardboe man (54), unemployed clown, seeks woman with no bodily deformity.
Fintona gardener (55), ploughing the loneliest of furrows, twelve personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from the library. Seeks anyone.
Strabane woman (44), pessimistic, practical and forward thinking, would like you to list your top 10 treasured possessions – just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up.
Brocagh lad (23) seeks a woman who is a man. Sorry mummy.
Compulsive-eating Galbally woman, 52, would like to meet a man of up to 25 for whom the phrase ‘beauty is only skin-deep’ is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos.
Kildress window-cleaner, 50, in desperate need of a ride, anything considered.
Plumbridge Lady, 49, seeks companion to ramble around Gortin Glen with. I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me, but I can promise you the best home-brewed brandy ball poitin you’ll have ever tasted.
Moortown carpet fitter, 39, will entertain anyone from totally blind to completely incapacitated. Will treat you to the finest collection of dried stuffed eels this side of the lough. Weekend taxidermist.
Derrytresk plumber, 61, seeks woman with boat. Please send photo of boat.
Harte Worried About Mugsy And Crisps
With the recent news surrounding Tyrone GAA’s new sponsors, Mickey Harte has expressed fears that the new partnership may play havoc with his plans to keep tabs on members of the squad who ‘winter too well’ over the non-footballing months. With Kevin Hughes retired, initial hopes were that the Hunky Dory freebies would remain largely untouched, enabling Harte and the squad to deliver the crisps to the less fortunates in Brocagh, Eskra and Dregish. However, all changed with a phone-call the management team received last night from a Healy Park attendant.
“At first I thought it was a wind-up,” an anonymous official told us, “as it was wile cold last night. But I could hear the lads codding about in the background. It didn’t take long to identify the voices: Mugsy, Joe McMahon, Gavin Devlin, big Pascal and Cathal McCarron. The poor Omagh gatekeeper said they were demanding to get training at the field in preparation for next year, even though we’ve given them time off til St Stephen’s Day. The penny soon dropped with me. Them bloody crisps.”
Harte and his team made their way to Omagh only to be confronted by the hungry fivesome, McCarron doing the talking, not a kitbag between them, demanding to hear the full details of the sponsorship deal and when the first batch would be arriving. Negotiations went well into the night with threats of resignations and counter-threats of walking from the panel before McCarron persuaded the others to accept the only deal on the table: 50 packets each for the months of November and December with a renegotiation in January, as long as the other squad players weren’t aware of it, especially Colm Cavanagh and Marty Penrose who also ‘winter well’ at the best of times.
Penrose, in particular, is reported to be devastated that they didn’t pursue his idea of a dream deal with Milky Bars or Snickers.
Penrose and Milky Bars
Coalisland Man Caught Duping Doctor. High Blood Pressure Fraud.
O’Neill’s reading broke records
A Coalisland ex-barrister, Javier O’Neill, is in police custody tonight having been caught fooling the local doctor into claiming for incapacity benefit since 2008. O’Neill (56), officially ‘off on the sick’ at the time, was unveiled as a fraudster after the suspicious doctor admitted he had resorted to setting up CCTV cameras around the town to follow Javier’s movements. Dr Laverty told us:
“I hadn’t slept for weeks thinking about this man. He’d come in to the surgery once a month with a blood pressure reading completely off the scale. It was something like 300/200. In the history of medicine, a reading like this had never been recorded. Add to that, his pulse rate was 180 at resting point. No matter what dosage of tablets I put him on, he’d come back with the same readings. It was either a miracle or this boy O’Neill was a freak of science. Even if you had the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders, you wouldn’t have these readings. This man should have been dead long ago.”
Doctor Laverty travelled the length and breadth of the planet in order to show off the Coalisland man’s readings to medical experts. Unable to find an answer and with the cream of the medical world asking to descend on Tyrone to witness this man in action, Laverty set up a couple of CCTV cameras around the town to capture O’Neill in his daily routine. Nothing showed up until the day of his appointment.
“I was about to admit defeat when I check the cameras just before his arrived. Suddenly I noticed Javier sprinting from the top of Platers Hill to the bottom, half an hour before the appointment. Then he’d run back up again. He did this 7 times in total, a remarkable feat for a 56 year old man. He’d then wipe the sweat from his brow, settle himself and come in for the appointment. That explains the reading. I did always smell sweat but that’d be typical of a Coalisland resident.”
His incapacity benefit of £500 a week was immediately stopped today and other high blood pressure cases are being looked into.
“Baldy Has-Been” Comment Stumps Errigal Contingent. Row Ensues.
Bald Errigal supporter during the brawl
As the Ballinderry contingent left the field last Sunday in Omagh, an unidentified member of their squad shouted a clearly audible comment directed at the celebrating Errigal community on the field. The Ballygawley players and ex-players were initially stumped as to whom the comment was aimed at with the ensuing row boiling over into the long hours of the night outside Quinn’s. Innocent bystander, Phonsie McNally from Keady, was within earshot of the original incident.
“I heard it as clear as you’re talking now. The Errigal players and ex-players were celebrating and mingling in the middle of the field. One of the Ballinderry players shouted across at them ‘and you can feck off ye baldy has-been’. You could see the confusion on the faces of the bald Tyrone lads. Some started pointing at each other with everyone denying it. I can’t beat about the bush. I’m sure it was Peter Canavan he was talking about. But there were at least seven other lads without a hair on their head in that circle, including the fathers and uncles of most of the players. But I think it was Canavan.”
Witnesses say the row escalated during the post-match meal when an unnamed uncle of a family of players in the team went up to buy a pint. Someone shouted “get us one too ye has-been”, resulting in a bar-room brawl never witnessed in Quinn’s since Paddy Russell denied Sean McLoughlin a point in 1995.
“Jaysus it was deadly like. Chairs and glasses were sailing through the midnight air with a whole gang of bald Ballygawley men beating the living daylights out of each other. It was like some kind of bikers’ brawl. All the men with hair just sat there laughing with some betting on the ‘last bald man standing’. Canavan managed to last the pace but you couldn’t help but feel he was the cause of all this. I’m sure Muldoon’s comment was aimed at him.”
Canavan refused to comment but word has been filtering around Glencull since of a man considering the implants.
Omagh Teacher Goes Berserk. Pupil Steals Orange.
The orange looked like this
Omagh teacher Barry Trainer was said to be ‘livid’ today after finding out that some boy had stolen his orange from his desk whilst he was out making coffee in a resource room. An fellow staff member who wishes to remain anonymous said Barry ‘wasn’t himself all day’ after the incident and the senior teachers are trawling through CCTV footage in the corridors in order to spot someone who looks like he has an orange in his blazer.
“Jaysus, Barry was rippin,” Mr X told us. “I’ve known ‘Baldy Bollocks’ (as the lads call him) for 15 years now and he has always eaten an orange at break time in the staffroom. I knew something was up when I heard the roar coming from his classroom. The look of fear off the lads’ faces when they left the room was something I hadn’t witnessed since 1985 and the dying throes of corporal punishment.”
Trainer noticed the orange was missing after he returned from topping up his coffee during a lesson on ‘adding’. After searching under his desk he was alerted to the prank when half the class were heard sniggering. Despite threatening the lads with ‘sorting them out’ if he ever saw any of them out and about Omagh at the weekends, none of the pupils touted on the devilish thief. The Principal, Monsignor Joel Brannigan, said no stone would be left unturned in the wake of this unusual incident.
“There’s no doubt that the orange thief will be caught. It might take time but someone will eventually squeal. I’ve already set the wheels in motion with an immediate ban on Wagon Wheels at the tuck shop. There aren’t many in Omagh who can go a day without a Wagon Wheel, with it full of chocolately delight. CCTV will help too.”
Trainer has vowed to take time off with ‘stress’ until the culprit is caught. Some retired teacher will take his place.
Tattyreagh Wife Superglues Husband’s Hand to Testicles
Dorris, last week.
Doctors at Omagh Hospital were hopeful that Tattyreagh plumber Kenny Dorris will make a full recovery after a domestic spat left the 45 year old needing emergency surgery. Details are still sketchy although all sources confirmed that Mary Dorris exacted revenge on her husband after one flirtatious incident too many. Kenny’s brother Harry was quick to fill in the gaps to our regional reporter:
“Ach our Kenny’s a wile one for the wemen. The same boy would chat up a group of nuns if he was in the form for it. I know Mary had been pissed off with the way he was winking at the blades whilst giving out communion. There’d also been rumours of him plumbing at houses that didn’t need any plumbing. I know surely what kind of plumbing he was at, the dirty bastard.”
As far as we can tell, after one wink too many, Mary waited until Kenny fell asleep last night after he had consumed his nightly quota of eight bottles of stout and a couple of Powers chasers. She seemingly poured superglue over his left hand and placed the same limb over his own privates. Neighbour Jenna Carpenter heard the screams:
“I never heard yelping like it. Being semi-detached ye’d hear them two rowing into the night. This was different. I think poor Kenny got up to go to the toilet at about 8am only to find out that his hand was attached to his balls. Ye shoulda heard the language. It was ‘stupid feckin crazy hoor of a cow’ this and ‘I’ll buckin haunt ye ye bitch’ that. The language was rough now. She was giving as good as she got, calling him all the tramps of the day. Ach to be honest I felt sorry for Big Kenny. He’d always been good to me. Any time I’d need any plumbing he’d be around in a shot. Handsome man too.’
Doctors confirmed they had received a patient with his hand attached to his testicles but reckoned they could separate the two easily enough. They did admit, though, that if the surgery was unsuccessful he’d have to get used to standing like that around Tattyreagh.
Word On The Street – The American Presidency
This morning our journalists asked anyone they could see out walking around about the upcoming American presidential election.
To be honest, I haven’t been following it atall. JACK MCGUIGAN, ARDBOE
I wouldn’t have a clue. Are you from the paper? DECLAN MANGAN, AGHALOO
Eh? Nah, couldn’t care less. It’s wile coul. SEANA JACOBS, DREGISH
Who’s Osama up agin? Romney? Never heard of him. Is he a taig? ASHLEY ROCKS, COAGH
An election. Jaysus it that the next of it? I hear Red Gerry from the Gortin Rd took a bad turn last night. Big drinker. PADDY MAGUIRE, OMAGH
All depends on who the Yanks want bombed next. If one said he’d be bombing Ardboe I’d be on the phone to every Devlin in the States, canvassing. COLM DEVLIN, MOORTOWN
Will ye give me head pace about them fcukers. Will it affect the price of a spud? No. Now away a that a ye. DANNY HASSON, DUNGANNON
Romney for me. I’ve great time for the mormons. FR HUGH O’REILLY, FINTONA
Predicted Severe Winter in Kildress May Not Be Accurate
Kildress man preparing for winter
Despite earlier predictions of a record-breaking savagely cold winter in mid-Tyrone, locals in Kildress have received communication which casts doubt on that original analysis of a seasonal hardship. Kildress is one of the last townlands in Ireland that still maintains a clan-like system with a leader voted in every four years, one calendar month after the American president is sworn in. He or she is elected on their ability to be at one with nature and possess the talent to predict weather changes in the immediate future as well as long-term for the important farming community. Current leader, Tommy Higney, a surprise choice four years ago, was exposed last night by his secretary as a fraud:
“It was that time of the year again when Tommy was being constantly approached to give his pronouncement on the winter. I knew he wasn’t a natural at that. He told me to phone up the NI Meteorological Dept and put him through. I heard the whole thing. He asked them what they thought about the winter coming. They said it was likely to be cold enough. He said rightso and then told everyone in Kildress to stock up on wood as it’ll be a cold one.”
Higney didn’t stop there though. So that the locals thought he was a truly reliable leader, he kept in touch with the Dept for constant updates.
“Every time he phoned he’d get more accurate news. The second time they said it would be even colder than they first thought. Tommy went straight out and told the locals to cut down even more trees and store them for winter. The third time he was told it’d be a severe winter. Same story again, Tommy declares after mass that they need to prepare for the worst winter in 100 years by stockpiling wood.”
Fearing for his community’s well-being he made one more call to the Meterological crowd to ask how they arrived at their analysis for the coming season. Secretary McGurk explained:
“I heard the whole thing. They firstly told Tommy that this’ll be the worst winter on record be he asked. He flipped out and asked how they could predict this worsening scenario. Yer man said it was classified information but as Tommy was an avid weather watcher, he’d let him in on the secret. They predict the future by watching Kildress people and their tree-cutting habits. The more they cut, the worst the weather was going to be, said the official, and they’d been cutting like mad lately. Tommy nearly choked. I barely muffled my laughing.”
Mary McGurk immediately exposed Higney’s backhandedness and declared herself a runner for the forthcoming elections.
Three Carrickmore Men Defy Storm And Drink On
Gormley and Woods hit the beach in NY
Despite repeated warnings to evacuate the area coupled with gusts of up to 85mph, three Carrickmore tourists continued to ‘drink on’ in a beer garden in downtown New York, sparking public statements of disbelief and awe from the highest authorities.
Barney Shields, Tommy Gormley and Kyron Woods had flown out to New York for three days on Sunday on a post-season blow-out which they had planned for ages. Despite warnings of treacherous conditions and the unmissable wailing sirens, the three Carmen men headed on down to O’Neill’s Pub anyway on 37th Street for a ‘lock a pints‘ as the storm hit the city, maintaining that they were always going to get the most out of the much-anticipated trip.
Woods, 36, who’d never set foot outside of Carrickmore before, explained their stance:
“We’d been looking forward til this for ages, boys. There’s no way a drop of water was going to spoil my three days in Amerikay. The Yankee barman wasn’t prepared to stay on after our 5th pint with the wind gathering an all but we toul him to leave us the keys. A nice man, he agreed and ran off. The beer garden was a bit ropey what with the umbrellas flying about, falling bricks and the sheets of hard rain but sure it was no worse than playing Derrylaughan down by the shore on a similar day in March.”
An impressed President Obama mentioned the threesome’s actions during his national address this morning:
“….and some say we are a weak nation. If that’s how the world sees us, well then it’s time we borrowed the willingness to stand firm in the face of adversity from those three Carrickmore heroes in 37th Street. The world watched as they faced up to Hurricane Sandy and said, ‘we ain’t going nowhere’. Up the Carmen I say. Up the Carmen.” (great applause and chants of ‘Carmen’ from Congressmen and women)
Woods, a little perplexed by Obama’s comments, told us:
“I don’t know what he’s waffling on about. I’d already bought six rounds. Them there hoors had only bought four rounds each. I wasn’t leaving til it was all evens. There’s nothing worse than being stung when doing rounds.”
Shields and Gormley were too delicate this morning to comment.
Hallowe’en a “Load of Balls” Claims Benburb Butcher
Jordan, today
One of Benburb’s most colourful characters, Jessie Jordan, has publicly denounced Hallowe’en as a ‘load of balls’ and has refused to partake in any ghoulish festivities around the spookingly week-long festivities in the sleepy hamlet. Driving along Benburb’s ‘Golden Mile’, Jordan’s Butchers is conspicuous with its lack of frightening decorations which adorn businesses such as Mackle’s Craftware and Mullan’s Alternative Medicine Shop on the same road.
“Let me get this out of the road straight away. If any child even thinks about knocking on my premises on Wednesday they’ll be met with a black pudding to the gob. Trick or treat? The trick will be for the accompanying parents dislodging the lamb chops from their backsides. The treat will be all mine watching their tearful retreat. It’s a pile of dung. I’ve already sabotaged five bonfires around the Moy and Eglish. Apple-bobbing? Think I want to dip my bake in a bowl full of the slabbers and snatters of cousins and the like? I’d rather ate a pig’s arse through an electric fence.”
Jordan’s vehement refusal to celebrate the pagan festival seems to date back to an unfortunate incident in 1977 when his mother baked an apple tart for consumption after the bonfire. His sister, Denise, explained:
“Jessie never really forgave my ma for that. He thought he’d play a practical joke whilst everyone was out dancing around the bonfire, half naked. He snuck in and attempted to ate the apple pie and then blame it on the dog. He didn’t know my ma had put the traditional 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p and 50p inside it. She was a generous woman and usually splattered a rake of each coin amongst it so everyone would win a good bit. Poor Jessie threw the whole thing into his mouth. We found him on the floor spitting the last of his teeth onto the floor. It was a bloody sight. He was called Gummy Jordan for years.”
Benburb holds its breath.
Row Over Length Of Time In Shower Destabilises Augher
A photo McKenna took during the debacle
A domestic argument over the length of time spent in the shower has broken Augher’s peaceful aura and threatened to destroy the perception of the village as an ideal holiday destination for people from America and France. Henry and Gretta McMeel had always been considered the pin-up couple for the Augher Tourism Board with their strikingly good looks, lovingly approach to each other and their harmonious effect on the area. All that changed last night when a passer-by, Barney McKenna, overheard a heated exchange emitting from one of their back rooms.
“I was just dandering home from looking at the sheep up the road when I thought I heard raised voices coming from McMeel’s roadside dwelling. Hoping to get a bit of juicy information, I pinned my ear to the window of the back room as the curtains were pulled. I heard Henry saying ‘you’re always fcuking keeping me back washing your oul fcuking hair. How come it takes me five minutes and that includes a fcuking shave. Thirty-five buckin minutes I’ve been sitting here watching this XFactor shite. I could’ve had four pints in me by now for fcuk sake.’ Well, to be honest I almost collapsed from the shock of it. We’ve always looked up to the McMeels. I’ve never heard anyone curse in Augher before. What else does that monster do behind closed doors.”
McKenna continued to divulge information on the exchange and said it wasn’t all one-way traffic, or words to that effect.
“It wasn’t all one way traffic. Yer woman was further away from the window so I only caught bits. I heard her say ‘hairy-arsed bastard’, ‘spend more time in the shower ye smelly hoor’ and ‘alcoholic bollocks’. I can tell you, I don’t know if I can look at the McMeels in the eye again. I told the parish priest and he went into some form of convulsion. This mustn’t get out.”
The Augher Tourism Board has barred all talk of the incident and has warned McKenna that any further gossiping about it will be fatally dealt with.
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 27-28
GLENELLY. Former captain Joseph McCullagh becomes the first man to leave Glenelly for pastures new. There will be a going-away do in the community hall with music supplied by the Plumbridge Brass Band and Joseph’s uncle, Mattie McCullagh, who’s singing songs from the musicals. Festivities start 8pm tomorrow. Come along and see Joseph off in style before his long trek to Bundoran.
MOY. 13th Annual Camel Wrestling Event. A little known fact is that the only two camels in Ireland kept as pets both live in the Moy. This remarkable coincidence has lent itself to a yearly wrestling competition held between both even-toed ungulates. With 6 wins apiece this year’s fight promises to be a real humdinger. Ice cream made from camel milk will be provided for children. First bell rings at 7pm tonight.
TATTYREAGH. Annual bath for brides and grooms-to-be. Come along and witness the bathing of soon-to-be newlyweds in the Ballynahatty Water. Tradition in Tattyreagh dictates that all weddings in the area take place in November. At the end of October, all couples intending to tie the knot that year bathe in the freezing waters as relatives gather and clap. No showers are to take place between then and the wedding. That’s why the women hold flowers, to disguise the odour. First dipping at 11am Sunday.
STEWARTSTOWN. 100th Gurning Competition. Famous for its natural gurners, this year’s Stewartstown gala promises to be special as the centenary gurning weekend gets underway today outside the bank at 2pm. With competitions for all age groups and genders as usual, organisers have opened to competition to pets and livestock. Dan McCann is aiming for the ‘Most Miserable Bollocks’ title for the 5th consecutive year.
Dan McCann. Most Miserable Bollocks 2007-2011
Derrylaughan Lotto Still Not Won After 15 Years
Who wants to be a millionaire?
Probing questions have been beginning to circle around the Clonoe Parish area after it emerged that no one has won the Derrylaughan lotto since its inception in 2001, even the £50 for three numbers. With last week’s winning numbers of 1,2,3 and 4 bringing the tally to 750 weeks without anyone winning more than a tenner for two numbers, punters are asking if this is the toughest lottery in the world.
Asking a £5 entry fee, the Kevin Barry’s lotto is one of the steepest in the entire country, with sellers targeting long distances from Moortown to Majorca. Ballinderry man, Jody McGuigan, summed up the current inquisitive mood:
“With the jackpot now standing at £1.3m it’s hard not to do the Derrylaughan lottery. Like, our own one is about £900 and any time someone wins it you can be sure it’s a McGuckian or a Muldoon. But there’s something funny going on down the shore. I remember reading in the bulletin once that the numbers for the Derrylaughan one was 13, 34, 41 and 66. Sure the buckin envelope only goes up to 26 numbers. I spotted it but said nothing for fear of being sent to the mad house again.”
McGuigan decided to pay a visit to Derrylaughan last Sunday to see if his suspicions were with substance. What he saw will live with him for the rest of his life.
“I went down to watch Derrylaughan play Dromore and had a sniff around. I just wish I’d taken my camera. The clubroom was akin to something you’d see in the Slieve Russell. There were butlers from Derrytresk, maids from Brocagh, a fancy reception where you were given an ash tray of nuts if you sat down at all. The toilets had golden railings and the toilet roll was some kind of velvety tissue from Japan. The car park was full of Mercs, BMWs, 2010 Nissans and boys walking around with bicycle clips on. I saw the chefs making the aftermatch meal of ‘lobster and Mousseline of pattes rouges crayfish with morel mushroom infusion’ and that was just for the away team.”
Derrylaughan Lotto committee chaiman, Michael Saggart, refused to comment and just encouraged people to keep dreaming of that £1.3m prize money before instructing his driver to bring him to somewhere that sells crowns.
Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2
FOR SALE
Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH
Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON
Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH
Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY
Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE
Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA
Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH
Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE
Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK
Loughmacrory People Live Longer. Better Lovers Too.
McAleese after a session with the wife
A group of European scientists have confirmed that people from Loughmacrory live longer and are also more rampant at night. This revelation came as no surprise to the locals who have kept their longevity and virility a secret for fear of outsiders inter-breeding with them and damaging their golden gene pool. The report also suggested that those who lived on farms in Loughmacrory were particularly romantic at all times in the day. Retired headmaster, Hugh McAleese, admitted that although he was happy to see their name on the world map, he was also wary of boys from Omagh, Tattyreagh or America attempting to attract their girls such was their new-found reputation.
“We’ve known this for years. I’m 121 and have no signs of wear and tear. The average age here is about 76. My father had no record of birth but he reckoned he was over 150 by the time he succumbed to a hunting accident. Although there were only 14 in our family he was said to have fathered 60-odd around the country. He was a farmer and there seems to be a correlation between farming and copulation. Them farming girls would be running around buck naked after lads all time of the day. I think it’s the smell of silage and the noises from the livestock. By all accounts, my da was as randy as they come,” McAleese said before offering a seductive wink.
McAleese put forward his theory that because most farming house had no upstairs, it left the farmers with more energy at night not having to climb a flight of 12 steps or so like those houses in Mountfield or Creggan.
“Speaking from personal experience, I went from a three-story house in Drumnakilly to a small farming bungalow at home after I inherited my father’s farm. The wife saw some change in me. I’d come in at six, slap the dinner into me and sure most of the time we just lay down on the spot. We didn’t know whether we were coming or going with all the antics we’d be at. Long healthy lifestyle, endless horizontal dancing – we’ve the life of it in Loughmacrory. C’mere and give us a kiss ye wee cat.”
The Northern Ireland Tourist Board are looking into the potential of a tourism hotspot for stag and hen nights but are sure to meet resistance in the village. In 1996, a similar attempt to tap into the area’s mysticism saw a government official stripped and superglued to a gable wall outside the pub.
Man-Flu Epidemic Sweeps Tyrone
Edendork man, today
An exceptionally acute man-flu episode is apparently rifling its way through Tyrone this week, allegedly originating in Ardboe. Today, Strabane men were reportedly suffering from symptoms which suggests the whole county’s male population is now probably affected. Tyrone women, who are immune to the illness, have been exhibiting unusually less-sympathetic-than-normal responses to the epidemic. Con O’Farrell, a poor sufferer from Brackaville, explained the early telltale signs as well as offering advice for fellow male victims.
“Jeepers, it’s deadly boys. I started snifflin on Saturday night and told the woman I couldn’t light the fire cos of it. Although she was suffering from a migrane herself and was 8 months pregnant, she showed no sympathy at all and the slabbers running clean off me like. The other lads around here said their women were the same. No grief atall. The next day I was hurting everywhere and, again, no TLC was offered. I’ll tell you how bad it was. After she made the dinner, I had to lie down for an hour. I usually do the dishes and all and bejaysus I couldn’t do them cos of the slight pain in my body and the snifflin. I thought I was going to die like. The pain and suffering must be worse than childbirth. Be strong lads.”
Other Tyrone men reported ‘not feeling right’, with many too frightened to help out around the house with fear of collapsing of something. Others confirmed that they found women became sarcastic, cold or unsympathetic towards them. Similar responses were reported by women in Derry, Armagh and Fermanagh.
“Ah fer feck sake”, Deirdre Henderson from Fintona told us, “I have high blood pressure, women’s problems, piles and have borne 13 children. I make the breakfast, get the children out to school and that oul bastard is lying on the couch with a duvet on him watching Loose Women, all because he has a snattery nose and a gentle cough. He won’t even lift his fingers to change the remote for himself, whimpering at the children to help him. I urge all Tyrone women. Stand firm against these shower of useless hoors. The next time he says he thinks he’s coming down with something, he will be. My fist.”
Male doctors have urged Tyrone men to stay positive and remain at home as one cough could infect another batch from a neighbouring townland.
Cookstown Face-Painter Ruins Intermediate Final
One of Cookstown’s most colourful characters, Anton McCaffrey, almost single-handedly ruined the Fr Rock’s finest day when he caused ‘untold distress’ to Eskra mothers during his face-painting service at the Intermediate final. McCaffrey admitted he’d had a skinful before the game down at Mulligan’s but believed he was still half-sensible enough to bring joy and mirth to the youngsters who attended the replayed decider. Setting up his stall at the far side of the Healy Park goals, well away from the majority of stewards, McCaffrey charged the children £5 for a face-painting of their choice, or £7.50 for the face and a packet of crisps. One Eskra mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, was shocked when her little Johnny returned to his seat:
“I knew something was up when I escorted Johnny over to the face-painting table. The artist was slumped over and appeared to be throwing up lightly under the table, cursing the weather. I also spotted a bottle of spirits which I initially thought was for cleaning purposes. When my lad returned, the stadium erupted into uncontrollable laughter. Johnny had asked for the face of Batman. What he got was simply thick black paint completely covering his head, back and front. All you could see were his big white eyes. He even painted his tongue black. He looked nothing like Batman. I paid £5 for this.”
Disgruntled customers
As other children slowly emerged back from the stall, the damage was unfolding. Young girls who had asked for a pussy-cat faces came back as grotesque devil-like creatures. One elderly supporter needed cardiac resuscitation after being tapped on the shoulder by a young boy painted as a grim reaper. He’d also been given a scythe. After a dozen children returned as demonic terrors or with just an X across their face, a now extremely intoxicated McCaffrey had resorted to just brushing a single thick stroke across the child’s face, in black mostly, before chasing them away with his strong Cookstown brogue ringing in their ears such as ‘now feck away off back til Eskra.’
Tyrone GAA reps are looking into it.
Thousands Flock To Newtownstewart To See Woman In Shower
Yvonne, before the visions started
Tens of thousands of men and the odd woman flocked to Newtownstewart yesterday after news spread of visions at a house on the Moyle Road. Former Newtownstewart lingerie model Yvonne Kelly thought it was just another normal morning. She got up and fed the ass which they keep in the utility room over night and headed up to shower for the day ahead. Little did she know her life was about to change.
“I was showering away and giving myself a good scrubbing as we were dunging out Uncle Hugh’s bedroom yesterday. I slipped into a daydream, staring at the shower glass door. It was then that the visions started. I squinted at a water droplet and I could have sworn it looked like the Queen of England’s head that’s on a stamp. Then I saw a dolphin in another. Over the next twenty minutes I saw Louis Walsh, Mother Teresa, Bill Clinton, Elvis, Dana, Birdie Sweeney, Brian Dooher and one of my neighbours. I called my husband in and he just stared at me in the shower, saying nothing. I think he was stunned.”
Word soon got out and people as far away as Ardstraw descended on Kelly’s house to see the visions from themselves. Unfortunately the shower door had dried up but a few lads from Gortin worked out that Yvonne had to be in the shower, washing away, for it to work. As soon as she stripped off, the visions in the water droplets began again with many in the room claiming they were seeing wondrous things like badgers, cats, melons, Brian Cowan, Bruce Forsythe and Massey Fergusons.
“Jaysus I’ll not forget that day”, said 19-year old Gary Turbett, “The things I saw will live with me forever. All my mates managed to get a look too. It was magnificent. There were plenty of cameras going so at least the visions will last a lifetime.”
Yvonne’s husband, Larry, called proceedings to a halt when he came home from work, chasing the male-dominated congregation away from the bathroom and toweling down his now chronically wrinkled wife. Despite pleas to extend the visions for another day and to set up a shrine of sorts, Larry Kelly issued a statement to the Tyrone Tribulations saying there’d be no more visions and sure there was nothing holy about them anyway.
Clonoe Waiting Times Push Locals To Extreme Measures
Long waiting times for all ailments at Clonoe surgery have forced many in the area to take matters into their own hands and perform DIY repairs on themselves. Although their crude methods of rectifying simple illness or sores has resulted in further complications, locals claim they’re better off this way instead of sitting in waiting rooms for up to two hours at a time. Patsy McCabe elaborated on the medical misfortunes that have plagued the East Tyrone townland in recent months.
“Some handlin. I had an ingrown toenail for weeks. Last Wednesday I made an appointment to see Dr Devlin and was sitting in that waiting room with people snattering and slabbering for two hours. I though ‘feck that’ and just upped and headed back to the garage. Whilst inside I fired up the blow-torch, took a slug of plum poitin and burned the bastard clean off the side of my foot. It was indescribable pain at the time but far better than sitting in that room for a couple of hours. The downside is a permanent limp and the bleeding hasn’t really subsided.”
Clonoe man attempts to cure migrane
McCabe’s methods have been adopted by many in the parish now with many not even phoning the surgery for advice or prescriptions. Josie Ferguson noticed that a wart on her little finger was getting bigger in recent months and was hindering her when mashing spuds or slapping children.
“Jaysus it was a hoor of a wart. I says to Mickey I can’t be bothered with it anymore and was going to phone the doctor. He stops me and says not to as the queues down there was scundering. He made me drink a bottle of sherry, clamped my hand to the table and shot the wart off with a small gun we keep for chasing badgers from the back door. To be honest, he shot the whole finger completely off and I was a bit pissed off initially when I came round after passing out in pain. But when I hear of the waiting lists I’m glad Mickey shot me. You soon get used to nine fingers and I’d have no hesitation shooting a wart off anyone, anywhere. Even a verruca”
Dr Devlin has implored the locals not to engage in any more DIY surgery as it wasn’t safe. He says it’s only a matter of time before appendix or gallstones are tackled by impatient sufferers.
Tyrone Tribulations 