Gordon Ramsay Admits Tyrone Nightmare Restaurant ‘Beyond Help’
Ramsey during his stay in Aughnacloy
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Sparks flew when a Tyrone restaurant, which is set to appear on the popular TV programme, ‘Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares’ next month, clashed with the Michelin-starred chef’s attempts to make improvements to the restaurant.
McGee’s Bar and Restaurant in Aughnacloy was nominated by the owner Sheila McGee in an effort to improve custom after several years of declining trade. However, long-serving chef 52-year old Mickey Nugent did not take kindly to Ramsay’s presence in what he saw as an unwelcome intrusion and an implied criticism of his ability to conjure up gastronomic excellence.
“Now I’m all for trying out new things, and yer Ramsay fella there wanted me to have a go at all this foreign stuff”, said Nugent, “But shitake mushrooms? Shitake? That man’s not wise. Disgusting. I’m not serving that muck in my establishment. He can jog on. I’d be burnt out of it”.
A series of misunderstandings did nothing to improve relations between the two, after Ramsay asked Nugent to prepare a soufflé and to bake the pastry ‘blind’, which came to an abrupt halt when Nugent accidentally put his hand into the mincer whilst walking about the kitchen with a dish towel wrapped round his head.
“Well, he’s supposed to be the expert, so don’t say I didn’t try stuff”, defended Nugent, “But how dare he accuse me of compromising the integrity of some of the dishes. That cigarette ash was hardly going to scrape itself out of the lasagne, was it? ”.
Further friction was caused by Ramsay’s attempts to phase out some of the Nugent’s favourite dishes, including, ‘Potatoes Three Ways’, ‘Potato Surprise’, and one of Nugent’s particular favourites from the sweet menu, ‘Death by Champ’. Matters came to a head when Ramsay suggested changing the soup of the day.
“It was the last straw”, admitted Nugent. “Has this boy not been to Tyrone before? There’s only one flavour of soup round these parts. Always has been, always will be. Vegetable. If he wants to bring in his fancy carrot and colander soup or whatever it’s called, he’ll get a rolling pin in the bake for his trouble”.
A spokesperson for Gordon Ramsay refused to comment but admitted that their star has been shaken by the experience.
Soaring Cost Of Fuel Sees People Try New Ways To Travel In Tyrone
McSherry headin to work
The recent spike in petrol and diesel costs have witnessed new and mostly unsuccessful ways to travel from A to B in the county. Just last week, our cameras witnessed one man from Coalisland spend £120 filling his Datsun Sunny before pushing his motor into Roughan Lough in disgust. Jackie Carr, a 70 year old plasterer, almost made his way to do a job in Donaghmore later in the day using an inventive mode of transport:
“I’m not spending any more of my dole/work money on petrol but I’m too old to walk any distance. So I got an old ironing board and tied two hungry labradors to the front of it. I then asked my grandson to run ahead of the dogs with a couple of raw rump steaks hanging out of his back pockets whilst I sat on the ironing board. We got as far as Newmills before the dogs caught up with the lad and near ate the arse clane off him. To be honest the ironing board was in bad shape by then anyway. The sparks were annoying motorists behind. Back to the drawing board for me.”
Other unsuccessful attempts to avoid the rising cost of fuel saw a teacher from Augher jump the whole distance to Fivemiletown until exhaustion set in halfway down Clogher Main Street and a sales rep from Glenelly float in a bucket down the Glenelly River to his office in Plumbridge before being capsized by a big shoal of salmon.
The rising number of horses parked outside the Ulster Herald offices in Omagh suggests all is not lost. One journalists, nicknamed ‘McSherry’, said he’s never felt freer:
“I rent a mare from a boy in Stewartstown and it’s working out rightly. There’s no better feeling than galloping through Pomeroy and Carrickmore with the wind in yer hair and my laptop flung over me shoulder, sticking two fingers up at the motorists and their dear diesel. Picking up the manure is a bit of a handlin but sure it’s swings and roundabouts. I think it’s a horse anyway.”
Draconian Ardboe Lord Mayor ‘Out Of Control’
Can’t kiss Ardboe wemen
A small loughshore community were today said to be living in fear from a ruthless Lord Mayor who has re-enacted centuries-old laws he discovered in a library in Magherafelt during the summer. Pa Forbes, who was unanimously voted in early in the year, cannot be replaced until 2016, sparking fears of a mass exodus to places like Moortown of Brocagh.
Yasser McCluskey explained the daily torture of the average Ardbonian:
“That man’s mental. I just saw there this morning on his Facebook page that he has now enforced a ruling from the 14th century – that it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. I was walking down the Kilmascally Road there now and you could hear he buzzing of shavers coming from the houses. Forbes knows rightly every Ardboe man has a moustache.”
Other laws brought back included
- Illegal to wear underwear to Post Office
- Legal for a man to relieve himself in a bar, standing up, after 9pm
- ex-prisoners to ride around on a horse in daylight
- Moortown men can be shot with a bow and arrow except on Sundays
- Only married women can use a parachute on a Sunday
McCluskey reckons Forbes has to be stopped before Ardboe becomes a ghost village:
“That rule last week was the final straw. He outlawed eating more than three sandwiches at a wake. Poor Tom Coney was lifted by the cops at Maggie Daly’s wake for eating four egg sandwiches. The worst thing was – someone touted on Coney. Ardboe has couped.”
Lord Mayor Forbes told reporters he has not ‘lost the run of himself’ whilst trotting down the Ardboe Road in a golden carriage pulled by three bare-chested fishermen serenading him with ‘Johnson’s Motorcar’.
‘Yes’ To Be Phased Out In Tyrone. No-One Uses It.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A proposal released by Dungannon & South Tyrone Council has confirmed that the word ‘yes’ has fallen out of popular usage in the county, and will be replaced by number of alternatives. ‘Yes’ will now be phased out of the spoken language from January 2015, with an anticipated but completely unexplainable £18m of savings to the tax payer.
Instead of the word ‘yes’, a number of phrases already in common usage will replace it, including: ‘That’ll do’, ‘Sound’, ‘It is surely’, ‘Surely to God’, ‘You can bet your bollocks it is’, ‘A hundred per cent’, ‘Grand’, ‘Crack on’, ‘Aye’ and ‘Sure, why not’.
The fantasist behind the idea, local Councillor Declan Brady, said,
“After some significant and exhaustive research outside Argos in Dungannon one Tuesday morning, we found that people didn’t even recognise the word ‘yes’ any more. It’s one of those old-fashioned words that people no longer use, like ‘chum’, ‘aerodrome’ or ‘phone’. It’s got to go. It’s time for the county to say ‘no’ to ‘yes’”.
Firmly against the proposed change however is headmaster of St Mark’s School in Newtownstewart, Colm McQuillan, who rejects the idea. Asked if he intended to fight against the proposal, he said,
“I will surely. We use thon word all the time. Will we fight this all the way? Oh aye. We’d be lost without it. People need to stand up to the man. Should we keep this wee word as part of our everyday language? My answer is clear. Definitely”.
Defending his position, Brady explained,
“’Yes’ just isn’t popular any more. Tyrone people will frequently use the auxiliary verb from the question when making the answer, hence making the word ‘yes’ redundant”.
However, McQuillan retorted,
“Auxiliary what? Who does this boyo think he is with his big long words? Stephen Fry? He should catch himself on. I’ll tell him what he can do with his verbs. He can go and feck. Now there’s a good verb. No way we’re getting rid of one of our finest words. Just the other week one of my pupils asked if they could borrow some glue and aerosols for some after-school activity. ‘Go on ahead’, I says. Now, how on earth could I have answered that without one of our best words? I’ve spoken to all the teachers and parents about this. Do they all think it’s madness? Dead on. Auxiliary verbs my bangle”.
Council To Issue New Wheelie Bin Specifically For ‘Brolly-Related Materials’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed last night that they intend to issue a new wheelie bin to all rate payers, specifically to collect materials relating to Joe Brolly.
The bright red wheelie bin, already coined ‘the Brolly Trolley’, is being hurriedly distributed over the next few days in anticipation of another verbal tirade from the Under-12 manager and some-time RTE commentator at next weekend’s televised minor final against Mayo, Brolly’s last chance for another lambasting of Tyrone in 2013.
Refuse Department spokesman Sean McKenna said,
“There’s been a tara amount of stuff just dumped over the past month. On Monday, a 90-foot tall wicker man was found in Aughabrack with a wee plate of biscuits at the bottom and a sign saying ‘For Joe Brolly’, to entice him inside. These things have to be disposed of. Someone even dumped a 48-inch plasma in Parkanaur because Joe Brolly had appeared on it. People need to wise up. In the meantime, they’ll get a Brolly Trolley to put everything in”.
An increasing number of wax dolls have also been found dumped by the sides of roads throughout the county, with Omagh Arts College confirming that they have received record applications for their ‘Voodoo For Beginners’ classes.
“People were getting jabbed with all the needles falling out of the wax dolls and suchlike”, said McKenna. “Their wee wax faces were all sort of pinched and rodent-y lookin’, so we can only assume they’re of Joe Brolly. They’re a health hazard. They need to be safely disposed of”.
Council refuge workers also said they had seen a rise in the number of umbrellas being discarded because Tyrone supporters dislike the ‘brolly’ association, and there are reports of people nervously throwing away broccoli because of the possible connotations with the RTE commentator. However, there have been some positive developments with weekend fighting in places like Brackaville and the Washingbay having all but stopped. A spokesperson for the PSNI said,
“We’re always accusing these sorts of people of too much brawling, and we think they’ve got it confused with ‘Brolly-ing’. They’ve stopped in case people accuse them of siding with yer wild-eyed shouter off the TV”.
Unconfirmed rumours from Dublin confirmed that in case of another furious outburst from Brolly next Sunday, RTE pundits Pat Spillane and Colm O’Rourke have both requested Brolly Trolleys that they can use to hide in.
*TT would like to reveal that this will be the last Brolly-related post this year. We are over it.
Tattyreagh Parents Told To Stop Telling Lies To Their Children
A recent survey by a man in America has revealed that Tattyreagh children are the best behaved in the world but are also told the most lies by over-cautious parents. To back up his findings, Dr Zeus Valencia interviewed 120 Tattyreagh exiles who listed ‘white lies’ that have haunted them well into middle age.
Amongst the most effective were:
- If you swallow chewing gum you’ll fart bubbles
- If you misbehave, Santa will eat you
- If you aren’t in bed by 9pm, God will kidnap you
- If you don’t eat your crusts, you’ll be bald in the morning
- Mushy peas are chopped up lizards
- If you don’t come with me now, I’ll leave you here by yourself.
- Maybe tomorrow
- If you make faces and the wind changes you’ll stay like that.
Ciaran Kelly, a 46 year old forklift operator, maintains he’ll never shake off a few of the fears:
“My ma used to stop me from taking food from the fridge by claiming that there was an angry wee man in there who operated the light. Even now I’m tara afraid to open it, 40 years later. Last week I didn’t eat for three days. Then there’s the one where my da would say if I didn’t shut up he’d tell ‘the man’. I wake up in tears sometimes thinking the man is outside the house. It’s a nightmare life I lead. Tattyreagh must change.”
Jane Hurson, who left Tattyreagh for Seskinore in 1987, claims she has even passed down some of the lies to her own children:
“I feel so ashamed. Yesterday I told my daughter the one about the ice cream van – if it plays music that means it has run out of ice cream. It’s like a disease we have. I went straight to confessions and doubled the penance. Next I’ll be telling her the Brits took our dog instead of just saying it died. I need help. Please.”
The Tattyreagh Parents’ Society released a statement today saying the report was ‘a load of balls’ and ‘pure lies’. They added that ‘we all know God cries when someone lies’, predicting heavy rain all week.
New Crime Drama Set For Tyrone – “Get Off My Land”
Get Off My Land
Following on from the success of crime dramas such as The Sopranos, The Wire, The Fall, Breaking Bad and Love/Hate, a group of Tyrone acting enthusiasts have put together a script for a hard-hitting TV series set in Greencastle regarding the murky world of turf smuggling and the gang wars associated with it. Titled “Get Off My Land”, a gang of seven 20-somethings terrorize mid-Ulster by smuggling cheaper turf in from Derrylaughan and Carrickmore which burns longer than the local stuff. They are opposed by local bog men and things quickly spiral out of control with drive-by shootings and all sorts of carry-on.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to catch a glimpse of the script. Bad words have been hidden by asterisks and other buttons on the keyboard that aren’t used much:
Red Paddy: Where’s me f*&king money ye gope?
Jim: I don’t have it Red Pat. But I swear. I’ll have it next week. I just need two sods to do us this weekend
Red Paddy: I’ll blow yer f**kin head off ye clampit. Give me my five pounds.
Jim: Please, Red Pat. The wife’s giving me tara abuse about being foundered
Red Paddy: (lifts gun and shoots Jim in the foot) Take that ye f%%kin balax. Get off my land. (applause)
Declan Devlin who plays Red Paddy reckons this show will really put Tyrone on the international map:
“It’s a deadly show. We’re driving around in oul Toyota Corollas, terrifying the whole of Greencastle and beyond. You get to see lovely parts of the country like the Crockanboy Road and Mullydoo, albeit with bits of brains and dead bodies scattered all over the place. It’s a very realistic setting.”
A BBC spokesman has poured cold water on the initial excitment by admitting that it’s highly unlikely to make it onto the TV schedule:
“It’s just not all that believable. One of the episodes is called ‘A Fierce Charge of Drink’ where the main cast just sit all day in Eddies drinking Guinness and debating about ‘headin to Clones in the morning’. Then a group of girls from KIldress come in at about 11pm and they just start slagging each other about ‘tackling the one that looks like a cabbage’. I can’t see it being a big hit in London or New York to be honest.”
Trappatoni Applies For Coalisland Lollipop Man Job
The Trap, listening for cars
Giovanni Trappatoni, the ex-Ireland soccer manager, has sensationally handed in an application form for the always-vacant lollipop person job in Coalisland – once voted the most dangerous job in the world by Which? magazine. The East Tyrone town has failed to attract one applicant since the job was first advertised in 1972 despite the promise of £20’000 per year, a lucrative pension, a Honda Civic and free sausage suppers every day. Local independent Councillor Jamie Campbell has admitted he fears for the Italian maestro:
“I’m slightly worried about this latest development. In 1975 one lad from the Intermediate did his work experience here as lollipop man and lasted three hours. The last I heard he was fighting demons in his head. I know Trappatoni has worked in hostile environments such as Milan and Turin, but Coalisland is a whole new level completely. The people won’t take too kindly to being told to stop when their car is already moving forward. It’s ‘arrivederci’ already I’m afraid, Giovanni.”
Coalisland has notoriously been resistant to any form of traffic control since the introduction of cars to the area in 1927. Recently it was revealed that no parking tickets have been issued in the town since 1985, when Dennis Taylor was nabbed the morning after his victory parade.
Trappatoni has ignored pleas to take a break from the country and insists he can do a job:
“As manager of Ireland all I ever heard was ‘Coalisland traffic’ this and ‘Coalisland traffic’ that from the players. We even had a training routine exercise called “The Coalisland” which was a game where no one took corners. I know I can make a difference. Initially I will keep it tight and slow the pace of the town down and encourage a safer environment for jay-walking. Eventually we’ll be enforcing total driving which will see people use the handbrake for up to 20 seconds. I believe in my motorists”.
A small problem arose this even when Trappatoni informed us he intends not using a lollipop stick but will instead shout his instructions. Unfortunately the word for ‘stop’ in Italian is ‘bastad’ which might cause early teething difficulties.
Panic Buying in Eglish As Christmas Selection Boxes Go On Sale
Eglish, yesterday
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Local PSNI were swiftly despatched to Costcutter’s in Eglish yesterday morning before a near-riot developed in Main Street, after nearly 3,000 people turned up to start their Christmas shopping early.
A rumour, started on Twitter, that Costcutter’s was selling Cadbury Christmas selection boxes for £1.99, rapidly went viral as the news spread like wildfire throughout the county.
One policeman, Patrick Quinn, who attended the disturbance, panted:
“I’ve not seen anything like it in Eglish since Plunkett Donaghy was rumoured to be swimming bare-torsoed in the Blackwater in 1986. I nearly had to make a couple of arrests. Grown adults acting like eejits trying to get themselves noticed by shop staff for the sake of a buckin’ selection box, shouting and screaming. I couldn’t be doing with it. It really hurt my throat. I managed to get one of the ones with the ‘Make Your Own Santa Mask’ on the back. Class”.
Anne Callaghan, a 49 year old coal miner from Mountfield, told us:
“You can’t be too careful. It’s only 110 shopping days until Christmas. I still remember the Teletubbies fiasco a year ago. I ordered Tinky Winky for my little lad and it never arrived in time. He’s now 26 and still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m not going through that again”.
A spokesperson for the Omagh-based lobbying group ‘No Christmas Until Christmas’ which is continuing to gather support under its website, http://www.its-not-even-december-yet-for-fecks-sake.com, said,
“It’s this sort of behaviour that puts the ‘Jesus Christ’ into Christmas, and I don’t mean in a good way. Summer’s barely over and people are mad for Christmas already. And these shops aren’t helping. I don’t want to be walking round Asda with my shorts on, listening to buckin’ Jingle Bells. This is all Joe Brolly’s fault. Probably”.
Costcutter’s have release a statement telling people not to panic, and that there will be ample selection boxes available for sale over the next three months.
“Aye, right”, said a despondent John Joe Slane, a 60 year old egg-boiler from Aughabrack. “Try telling that to my three nephews. All they’ve got to look forward to is two packets of Fishermen’s Friends and some Lockets. That’s all they had left by the time I got there. It’s dung. Maybe they’ll all have really bad colds by Christmas”, he added hopefully.
Minor skirmishes were also reported in a Centra shop in Cabragh, following rumours that it had started selling Easter eggs.
UFO Sightings In Ardboe Was Just A Lamp Post Outside Battery Bar
Ardboe – 2014?
The Ardboe Toursim Board have denied they strategically placed Ardboe’s first lamp post outside a pub to heighten suspicions of a UFO hovering over the area hence boosting much needed tourist numbers. The UFO, Alien and Paranormal Research of Strange Things Ireland (UFOAPRSTI) revealed they received 980 unique phonecalls from concerned and often inebriated Ardboe residents about a strange light hovering near the Lough within the last week. With a population of 986, concerns were also raised that all but 6 people in Ardboe spend a portion of their day in the bar.
Gusty Forbes (71) still believes there’s something up there:
“They’re now saying it’s a lamp post. I don’t buy it. The Ministry of Defence are hiding something. Answer me this – how come it arrived at 9pm every night bang on time and then leave at 6am exactly? Sure if this was one of them lamp posts would it not be there all the time? Ghost-oh, it has been exciting times for the area. Exiles from Amerikay and Australia have been coming home in droves to see it.”
Sally McGuigan, a local hypnotist, also believes there’s more to this than meets the eye:
“Lamp post my arse. How come it flickers for 2-3 minutes at 8:59pm? It’s trying to make contact. We sang The Fisherman’s Lament back to it and I swear I heard it buzzing a bit. All we’re asking is why – why Ardboe? Is it the centre of the universe?”
The Ardboe Tourism Board have reiterated the fact that it’s a lamp post and have pleaded for people to go back to work:
“Holy Smokes – we erected it to stop people from stumbling over a loose slab outside the Battery. The compo was killing us. Fair enough, 46’000 believers have descended on Ardboe to see the static “UFO” this week and maybe we were a bit slow to confirm it was a lamp post but enough’s enough. 12’000 people have fallen over that slab this week.”
One local farmer has sued NASA for the mysterious disappearance of one cow. NASA say this has nothing to do with them.
Clady Man Caught Out By Legit ‘One Direction’ Tickets Email Scam
Mad about Clady
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
E-mail users throughout Tyrone have been asked to be on the alert for a dangerous email which is currently circulating in thousands of unsuspecting inboxes across the county.
Police have warned that the email which has the heading, ‘Two Free One Direction Tickets’, should not under any circumstances be opened, as it contains two free One Direction tickets.
“It’s tara”, said 62 year old pig farmer Connor Cunningham from the Urney Road. “I expected it to be one of those scam emails that tries to sell you Viagara or has got pitchers of nudie wummin and suchlike. To be honest I just opened it for the craic. I was horrified when I found out it contained two free genuine One Direction tickets. Well, I can’t not go, can I? It would be a bit rude. To be honest I’ve no idea who those One Direction lads. Are they a bit like The Chieftains?”
Cunningham’s brother in law, Noel MacIlreavy, muttered, “People were saying you couldn’t give these tickets away. Well apparently you can. Just email it to a bunch of eejits like Connor and someone will fall for it. Have you seen the state of him walking about in his wellies with his big ball of blue rope? He’s not wise. If he turns up at the Odyssey Arena like that, people’ll think he’s the child catcher out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”.
Upon being told that One Direction are one of the biggest teen sensations to hit the music charts since Christy Moore teamed up with Declan Sinnott, Connor said,
“Ah now, I don’t hold with all that buck leapin’ around on stage like you see on the TV, lickin’ their lips and grabbin’ themselves and singin’ all that jangly music. I’ll have my electric cattle prod with me. Any of that nonsense and they’ll get 10,000 volts up their jacksies. They’ll be grabbin’ themselves then all right”.
Cunningham however remains adamant that he will take up the offer from the anonymous ticket donor.
“Normally I’d be worried about the expense of getting the bus down to Belfast, but I’m not too bothered”, said Connor. He confided, “See, between you and me I also had an email from this African boy wanting to deposit some money somewhere safe and he’s going to give me a whole lock of pounds. I’ve already given him my bank details. I think I’m going to get surprise next time I go to the cashpoint. Deadly”.
When contacted about the email, a One Direction spokesman revealed that it has been a long-term ambition of the band to play in Clady some time.
Dungannon Tourism Board Determined To Encourage Foreign Nationals To The Town
A lovely place
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The Dungannon Tourist Board yesterday launched its campaign to bring in European residents to the town.
Under the slogan ‘Come to Dungannon – More than just a big Tesco’, the Board is particularly keen to invite Portuguese, Polish and Lithuanian citizens to the town.
“We’ve lots to offer newcomers”, said Community Liaison Officer Jill Moody. “We have the leisure centre, a roundabout with butterflies on it, and we’re hoping to get a Poundland soon. Dungannon really has got it all. Walk around the town and it’s just a sea of Tyrone faces everywhere. We’re proud of our town, but we want some multi-cultural influence as well. Come on world, what’s wrong with Dungannon? Come and see what we’ve got to offer.”
A spokesperson from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council told us:
“We’re right behind this campaign. Dungannon’s a great place to live and work. Whether its strolling through Dungannon Park, shopping in the Linen Green, or slaughtering chickens by the thousand, Dungannon’s got the lot”.
Local people out shopping on Saturday afternoon appeared to support the initiative. “Hi carumba!” said Granville local Enrique Gomez. “Thees eez wanderfuel news. We mus ‘elp all zeez people to come to our wanderfuel Dunganning. Arriba arriba”.
The view was shared by life-long Caledon resident Magda Adamczyk. “I am wirry hippy to hear ziz. I sink I will celebrit with big plate of beef goulash”.
The news was not met with universal approval however. 32 year old pencil sharpener Mickey Girvan of White City roared:
“You don’t want to encourage that sort of behaviour. Some of them foreign types are already all over the country. Imagine a whole nation of people going and putting down roots all over the place. You wouldn’t catch the Irish doing that. We keep ourselves to ourselves. Next thing you know they’ll be opening their own pubs. The cheek of it”.
Sean Duggan, a 54 year old sparrow trainer of Drumquin agreed. “I don’t trust them foreigners. I went on a big trip last summer. Terrible experience. Weird people with odd habits, eating inedible food. And I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Last time I go to Coalisland for a holiday”.
Brackaville Ghost May Relocate To Stewartstown
A sad Brackaville Lily
The once-famous Brackaville ghost, who drew millions of people to the area in 2009 after making a few appearances, has announced that unless people start showing her a bit of respect she will pack up and head to Stewartstown who would be crying out for a bit of supernatural shenanigans. ‘Lily’, who says she’s about 200 years young or thereabouts, claims bad manners and general begrudgery has made her life a living hell:
“Ignorant shower of ungrateful living people around here. Yes, they were all over me when the crowds were flocking to the Mullaghmoyle Road after I made a couple of midnight danders outside the house. They couldn’t get enough of me. It was Lily this and Lily that. Newspaper people from England and all. Then I started to hear the grumblings from jealous women up the road who simply didn’t like the thought of their husbands and boyfriends talking about me all the time. Then the men turned on me too in order to placate the women. I’m off. People just drive through me now.”
Lily claims she was also being used as a scapegoat for every misdemeanour in the area from tax evasion to smuggling diesel:
“Yes, that’s correct. Men were being done for non-payment of TV licences, insurance or diesel and in court they’d plead innocence by saying ‘it was the ghost that done it’, claiming I was stealing documents and letters or leaving illegal fuel lying about. The powers-that-be would buy into it for fear of being haunted if they didn’t believe in me. As if I wanted to be at that craic at my age. All I want is a pint in Campbells and a round of golf up the road. I’m 200 for God’s sake.”
Lily claims she may move to Stewartstown before the year is out:
“That is maybe the fresh challenge I need. Sure foreigners don’t even go there. I’d shake that town up.”
Ballygawley Strimming War Escalates. Man Strims Hedge At 5am In Torrential Rain.
A typical Ballygawley family
The Ballygawley strimming war has worsened this morning with the news that a man was seen strimming his hedge at 5am this morning in torrential rain. Reports suggest tensions are beyond repair as news reaches us of women out with chainsaws pruning garden shrubs.
The strimming conflict, which began a year ago to the day, escalated after a man was criticised for strimming his hedge on a Sunday by the PP. A supportive neighbour reacted to the public criticism by restrimming a hedge that was already strimmed the following Sunday night in total darkness. Peter McGlone, a local poet, reckons the village is beyond repair:
“Someone has to shout ‘STOP’. Ballygawley is being ripped apart by this strimming war. People are trying to out-annoy each other with louder strimmers. To see Seamus Kelly out strimming this morning in a holey vest at 5am and it pouring was one of the saddest and most dangerous sights I’ve ever witnessed. It’s out of control. Just last month a man strimmed the whole time during the Tyrone/Mayo game with the strimmer connected up to loudspeakers. I thought I’d seen it all in Ballygawley after 77 years. Madness.”
Mary Quinn, a 41 year old circus ballet dancer, maintains we’ve seen nothing yet:
“Thon bollix Kelly has upped the ante with that 5am stunt. I’ve just been on to a boy in Tattyreagh on Gumtree and purchased a second hand petrol Husqvarna chainsaw for a hundred pounds. He says it’s the loudest yoke on the market. I’ll be out strimming my Cherry Blossoms at midnight tonight. Have a piece of that. Tattyreagh here I come.”
BBC, UTV AND RTE have been chased from the village in recent weeks when trying to report on the skirmishes. However, Ross Kemp was spotted up a tree with earmuffs on just outside Quinn’s Corner.
Kildress Man ‘Walking On Air’ After Using Washing Machine
Traynor’s house, mid-cycle
It was drinks all around this evening in the Kildress Inn after father-of-three Noel Traynor completed a full load of washing in their Hotpoint Free-Standing HY6FY155 Washing Machine. Traynor, who was left stranded for his good shirt and jeans whilst his wife enjoyed a three-day spa break in Downings, was said to be euphoric with his accomplishment and may have a ‘charge of drink’ to celebrate.
“It took some concentration. I’d seen Maura work at it before but never in a million years did I ever think I’d have to use it. I saw a box of washing power and had a fair idea it went in some sort of tray but sure when you pulled the tray out how the hell were you to know which one to put the stuff into? So I just bucked a fistful of it into all compartments and then whacked in softener and mixed them about with a spoon. To be honest I was acting on instinct at this stage.”
Things took a turn for the worst when Traynor was faced with ‘a pile of nobs’ before pressing the start button:
“Aye, there where millions of numbers and other nobs saying cotton, linen, wool, whites, delicates and then all these stupid icons like clouds and swirly circles. Just clane mad. So I took all the clothes out and checked to see what they were made for but that was a waste of time. Some had like 80% cotton. How can you just wash 80% of something? I just closed my eyes and turned all the nobs at the same time like Russian Roulette. The sweat was pouring off me.”
Although the volume of washing powder saw the whole room bubble up, Noel was this morning sporting his shining jeans and black shirt. His wife has played down his achievement:
“He’s wearing damp clothes because he didn’t want ‘to overdo it’ by using the tumble dryer. He’s a useless lump. All the children’s uniforms he threw in are shrunken and coloured black. And the utility room is still covered in bubbles. Now he’s down in that pub getting free drink bought for him like he climbed Everest. There’s even talk of a plague being erected outside our house – the first man in Kildress to successfully complete a cycle in the washing machine. Lord above.”
Traynor is in talks about releasing an autobiography.
Urney Pub Manager Determined To Improve ‘Customer Experience’ After Attending Marketing Course
McGee’s in Urney
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The manager of a local bar in Urney has launched a marketing campaign in a determined effort to improve the quality of service to its customers. Paul Taggart, who runs McGee’s Bar in the hamlet, decided to improve the pub after having attended a 1-day marketing course in Omagh last month. He denies that he is using big words he learned on the course without knowing what they mean.
Launched with the slogan, ‘Come to McGee’s. You Won’t Get Better’, Taggart said,
“We really want to dynamise the whole customer experience and start taking a collaborative approach with the clientele. That’s why we’re going to put fresh sawdust down in the bogs once a week from now on. And we’ve also got some of them deadly wee blue things to stick in the urinals, like they’ve got in the upmarket bars in Donaghmore. McGee’s is going places. Make no mistake”.
He went on,
“We need some actionable strategies that will help give people a relaxed and tranquil environment, that makes them want to come in and get completely hammered”.
Locals however have not responded well to the new approach, with many customers saying that the decision to start serving fancy cocktails such as lager and lime, and stocking new-fangled flavoured crisps like Worcester sauce was ‘a bridge too far’. One anonymous regular complained that after having been forcibly ejected from McGee’s on Friday for making favourable comments about Joe Brolly, Taggart asked him to complete a questionnaire on his ‘experience’.
“Listen to this”, fumed the 58-year old borderline alcoholic. “‘On a scale of 1 to 10 how satisfied are you with the way you were thrown into the schuch?’ Any more of that shite and I’ll take a collaborative approach to slapping him in the bake. That bollox has gone on thon course and come back with his mouth full of marbles”.
Another customer who also asked not to be named said he was asked by Taggart whether the ambience of the bar lived up to his expectations.
“I wouldn’t have minded, but I was vomiting all over my own legs at the time. There’s a time and a place. Jaysus, I must’ve had a skinful”.
“It’s a transitional project”, admitted Taggart, who said that the questionnaire was aimed at his ‘target demographic’ which are regulars who frequently become angry with inanimate objects, or loudly claim to be an expert on things they know nothing about when sober.
Would-Be Airline Pilot Sacked As Moy School Bus Driver Two Days Into The Job
Sort of like this
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A frustrated school bus driver who failed to qualify as a commercial airline pilot has been sacked from his school bus driving job after only two days.
Barney ‘Doors to Manual’ Corrigan was told by the Dungannon Education Authority on Tuesday evening not to return to his post after repeatedly compromising the safety and security of the passengers in his care, most of whom were pupils at Clonless Primary School near the Moy.
Sacked only two days after pupils returned to school at the start of this week, Corrigan confessed to driving at speeds over 80 mph, but offered no explanation for the dangerous and erratic behaviour.
“I know what the bollix was trying to do. He was trying to take off, that’s what”, said irate mother-of-two Sheila Donegan. “Some of them roads is fine for 80 miles an hour, but Jaysus, he was doin’ it going up the feckin’ school driveway. The kids were terrified. It was like that fillum with Keanu Reeves and the bus. What was it? Edward Scissorhands? And my cub said that he kept giving out weather reports and estimated time of arrival. What’s that about? The school’s less than two miles away. If it’s pissin’ with rain here, it’ll be pissin’ with rain there”.
Defending his position, Corrigan said,
“I was just trying to get everyone to school quickly like. You try driving a bus with that lot on it. It was cat. My ears are still ringing from the screams of terror. On Tuesday I had one of them blubbin’ his head off because he was havin’ to go back to school, and then he went and soiled himself. And that was one of the teachers. The weeans were worse. How am I supposed to drive down the runway with that going on? Road. I meant road”.
The pupils also alleged that Corrigan told them it was a ‘no-frills’ bus and charged them 10 pence each for their own packed lunches. Corrigan has since demanded back from the school his two ping pong bats that he insisted the headmaster use to guide his bus into its parking space.
Gortin Man Tried To ‘Pull A Fast One’ And Sell Wife To Liverpool FC For £2.8m
Coyne failed medical
It has emerged that a Gortin taxi washer, Ian Coyne (62), almost succeeded in selling his wife of 40 years to Liverpool Soccer Club for £2.8m three hours before the deadline for accepting new players yesterday. Sources have confirmed that the deal was only scuppered after she turned up for the medical and Liverpool discovered she was a 61-year old Plumbridge woman with a plastic hip, severe arthritis in both legs and a pacemaker in place.
Liverpool director of transfers, Kenneth Dogleash, admitted it sounded too good to be true:
“Yes, it seemed like all our Christmases had arrived at once. This boy with a fierce Irish accent rang us and said he had an offer to make us about a player called ‘Ouldoll’. We had been on the look-out for a cheap striker to act as cover for Sturridge and Suarez so this was a dream come true. He said his ‘client’ was a real battle axe, causing havoc wherever they went. He said Ouldoll was good up front for their age and had a powerful kick on them when angered. He added that his client had become an expert dribbler in recent years and had scored in every town in Ireland in their younger days. We settled on £2.8m”.
With a deal thrashed out, Jenny Coyne boarded this first plane at Belfast International Airport, thinking her husband had booked her in for a week’s health spa session in Liverpool:
“It wasn’t until I was met at the other side by three men in suits that I began to think that all wasn’t right. They kept giving me strange looks in the car. Why they put me through that fitness test I don’t know. The hip was squeaking like mad on that treadmill. The weights were easy though. This nice young man called Brendan Rodgers came in and said the deal was off but that I should keep my head down and work hard. I was a bit confused and gave him a hard boiled sweet but I took it off him and clipped him around the ear when he said ‘thanks oul doll’.”
It appears that this was Coyne’s second attempt at offloading his wife after trying to sell her on The Antiques Road Show in 1999.
Brocagh Brothers Mortified As Mother Sends Them To School In Skirts
Artist’s impression
Brocagh twins, Peter and Paul Ward, were this afternoon said to be in hiding after their mother ‘got a bit mixed up’ and sent her first-year sons to St Patrick’s Academy in Dungannon in school skirts and blouses. Frances Ward maintains she got confused due to the fact that their three older sisters also went to the same school and that she was not trying to save money on uniforms in the hope that no one would notice.
“Ah come on, I’m not that stingy. It was a very understandable mistake. I was used to the girls getting ready for the bus and simply threw the hand-me-downs to the twins. I did think something was wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. They’re quiet lads so they didn’t complain. I’m told the Carnan ones on the bus gave them deadly abuse.”
Reports from the school suggest they were immediately put in detention for “Brazen Tomfoolery”, breaking the previous record of 3 hours for a first year in the school, a record held by a boy from Killyman who fired a tin whistle in bad temper at the principal in 1981. The Wards’ detentions were rescinded after the truth was revealed.
Frances Ward’s neighbour, Packie Quinn, disagrees that it was an honest mistake:
“That woman is the most miserly living being in Brocagh. I know rightly she didn’t want to fork out for a new set of uniforms and so thought no one would bat an eyelid. Them poor lads are mortified. Bad enough the uniform but why did she plait the longer haired boy? She was up to her work.”
In other educational news, Tyrone schools are considering bringing back slapping for ‘acting the lig’ or ‘slabbering about their holidays’.
Loughmacrory Wife Rubbishes Husband’s Sub 4-Minute Mile Claim
Curran – a fast man or clampit?
A Loughmacrory plumber, Mickey Curran (44), was this morning still maintaining he ran a mile in 3 mins 45 seconds – becoming only the fourth man in history to do so – on his first run ever trying to lose a bit of weight. His wife has continued to pour scorn on the claim, insisting that he paused the time on his phone by mistake and that he was actually gone from the house for ‘over an hour’.
Curran, a 20-a-day smoker who currently weighs 17 stone and hasn’t run since he was 14 or so, decided to get fit after making fun of a hefty reflection of a man in a shop window in Omagh before realising it was himself. Setting off down the Crotty Road yesterday morning, Curran says he wasn’t surprised at his record breaking time:
“I had a fair idea I was flying. Although I haven’t exercised in 30 years and am carrying a bit of timber, I’ve always imagined I’d be a deadly runner. I remember watching the lympics and saying to herself that I’d bate most of them Africans no bother. And I’ve just proved it. That Morrocan boy (Hicham El Guerrouj) may get used to the fact that by the end of this week his 3:43 time will be shattered, right here in Loughmacrory. A mile seems to be my distance”.
Daisy Curran has rubbished her husband’s claims and maintains he’s just making an idiot out of himself:
“Jaysus, he’s some dick. He was gone for over an hour and came back with vomit streaming down his Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt. Sure I could see him out the kitchen window. He barely made it down our lane and that’s only 10 metres. Clampit. He has accidentally pushed the pause button on the iphone”.
Curran has set his sights on breaking world records for javelin, shot-put, 100m and downhill skiing by the end of the month.
Tyrone Tribulations 