Category Archives: Brocagh
Fresh Sightings Of The ‘Brocagh Beast’ Sparks Terror On Loughshore
Probably not the Brocagh Beast
Brocagh residents last night were said to be frightened, confused and bewildered after new sightings of the mythological Beast of Brocagh were reported around fields off the Ballybeg Road. Fresh rumours of the unidentified ogre roaming the countryside began after Minnie Davidson spotted what she described as a ‘hairy-arsed monster buck-leaping about singing songs from the Wolfe Tones’ whilst she was out wasp-spotting.
“It’s hard to describe. It’s sorta half stooped over and always seems to be drinking from a bottle of Bushmills, completely bare to the world. It has been stalking these parts for 60 years now. I used to think it was oul Mick Quinn on the batter but I’ve seen his arse and it’s definitely not his. I’d be worried about the Brocagh Sports Day next week. It’s be a PR disaster if it won the wellie-throwing competition”.
Several sightings over the last half century has shed little light on what the beast actually his. Some claim it’s something from the Lough, like a man-eel. Others maintain it’s simply Tom McGurk escaping from the pressures of his RTE job once in a while.
“It could be Tom but then a girl in 1988 said she saw it up close and it didn’t have the McGurk head on him. She said it was more of a McGorey or Robinson. Whatever it is I’m locking the windows. The same girl says he had mesmerising eyes and that made him sorta good-looking despite the bloodied teeth, smell of drink and it covered in hair. I’ve had my fill of Brocagh men like that”.
BBC and UTV have sent their cameras down today to see if they can spot the Beast despite rumours that it’s sitting in Dorman’s (Tessies) at this very minute waiting for first orders.
Education Board Release Unusual Tyrone GSCE Answers
The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.
Listed below are some of the answers:
Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.
Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.
Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.
Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.
Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.
Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth
Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..
Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.
Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.
Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.
Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink
Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.
Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.
Siege Of Ballinderry Update
Leaked rebel map
American news outlets have been keeping the world abreast of the situation in Ballinderry following yesterday’s decision to re-allocate the whole of the parish back into Tyrone by changing the flow of the Ballinderry River.
Fox News confirmed that the anti-government forces (Ballinderry Rebels), led by Commander McGuckin, have managed to hold the townlands of Ballydonnell, Ballylifford, Ballyronan Beg and Killymuck. Unfortunately, they suffered great casualties in Ardagh and Ballymultrea which have fallen to Tyrone/PSNI forces. Five rebels were caught and are now being interrogated at the Battery Bar.
Surprisingly, Cm McGuckin has gone on the offense since that loss and have annexed Lanaglug and Mullan Upper from the Tyrone side using a 1966 Wolseley equipped with heavy duty water pistols from Smith’s Store in Magherafelt. Fighting in Mullan Lower is on-going with the rebel forces gaining ground due to Patsy Muldoon, the bare-fist champion from 1961, who simply threatened to come out of retirement and box the head off any Tyrone man or woman for that matter. As the leaked map shows, the Ballinderry rebels are planning to continue their march into Tyrone by taking Ardboe and beyond.
Sky News were chased from Belagherty for asking if anyone knew the way to Brocagh.
Meanwhile, Ballinderry traditional band have commissioned a new song to commemorate the battle called the ‘Siege of Ballinderry’. So far they have the first two lines done:
It was on a late July morning / When McGuckin rose from bed
We’ll bate them red arses back to Tyrone / He’s reported to have said
Tyrone ‘School Of Plastering’ Opens In Kildress To Improve Spreading Standards
A finished job in Cappagh
In order to combat the sharp decline in plastering skills in the county, the Tyrone County Council have opened a School of Plastering in Kildress which will teach youngsters who aspire to be plasterers the basic skills in the trade. The move comes after a series of street protests all over the county complaining about the cowboy spreading jobs being carried out in most new developments.
Peter Carney, a plasterer from Clonoe with 44 years experience, fully supports the new school:
“It has been a long time coming. I stopped taking on apprentices after a series of unbelievable mishaps last year. I took on a team of young lads from Brocagh and Derrylaughan for a big job in the Moy. Never again. I told one of them to scratch a wall for me. I came back an hour later and he was literally scratching a wall with his fingernails the way you’d scratch a cat. The poor fellow’s fingers were dripping with blood. Another boy was using the bible as a straight edge.”
Jack Kelly (61) from Galbally added:
“I took a nephew from Greencastle on last month. He arrived with what he thought were the tools needed. He brought a rubber duck (plastic float), a pet budgie (hawk) and a towel (trowel). And his da’s a spark too. I told him to go out and get a scratching tool and he came with nothing but a worried face and said ‘sure I can scratch ye’. I’d have been better off taking my ma with me and she’s 97 and deaf but a damn decent spread.”
So far 300 have signed up for the Plastering Summer School with the first week’s topic “How To Use A Darby” already in progress. Mary Farrell, a mother to 7 teenage sons, says all her lads will be attending:
“It was either that of the Gaeltacht. There’ll be plenty of time for curtin’ when they’re older so it’s off to the spreading school for them. There’ll be no curtin’ there hopefully.”
A place on the Spreading Degree course costs £300 and runs for 6 weeks.
East Tyrone Council To Spray Foul-Mouthed Locals With Blue Paint
Three Boys Caught In Donaghmore Today
Following the successful implementation of the Strabane Dog-Fouling Initiative where dog excrement is to be sprayed pink in order to shame the dog-owners, East Tyrone Council have gone one step further and have warned that anyone heard coming out with bad language could be sprayed blue on the spot.
Paddy Jake Cushnahan, Council Chairman, explained the initiative:
“We’re sick and tired with people cursing around these parts. It has become part of the language now. I was at the Council Christmas Dinner and the waitress asked me if I wanted any f*ckin red sauce with my chips, and that was her asking nicely with a smile and all. Well, as from July 1st, if anyone is heard cursing anywhere from Ballygawley to Brocagh they run the risk of one of us jumping out of the hedge or wherever and spraying their heads with blue paint. That’ll shame them. Blue paint for blue language.”
Cushnahan claims that all households will receive a list of bad words that are punishable, as soon as they’ve finished compiling them:
“We’re nearly ready for printing it off now. So far we have 77 words including ‘b*llocks’, ‘sh*te’, ‘dungbag’, ‘oul b*stard’ or any type of b*stard really, ‘f*cker’, ‘f*ck sake’, ‘d*ckhead’, ‘clift’ and so on although clift is a controversial one. We need to stamp this stuff out. ‘Buckin’ is allowed.”
A blue headed mascot, called ‘No Need For That Oul Talk’, will be unveiled later in the week and he’ll be visiting schools and churches to spread the awareness of the new initiative. Anyone caught cursing will be fined £10 on the spot or £8 if they refuse to pay at all, as well as being sprayed with the blue paint that takes a week to come off. A trial run went badly last week in Cookstown when Fr Fay from Clonoe was sprayed blue for saying ‘Jaysus Christ’ at Drum Manor Forest Park. He had been practicing his prayers.
mascot
Brocagh Woman’s Main Form Of Exercise At Gym Is Slagging Other People
By Shengas McGlumphie
It emerged yesterday that the main exercise a woman from Brocagh gets at the gym is from ripping the back out of other people. Marie McAleese, 36, from Mountjoy Road, has been spending around three nights a week at Gold’s Gym in Coalisland, in case Obama pops in to the local Asda where she works to pick up some sandwiches and the like.
“I’m not meaning to be unkind, but I was at the gym water fountain last week just giving my lashes a wee touch-up and I spotted this wan dolled up to the nines”, commented McAleese. “For the gym like? She looked like a wrestler in drag, all spandex and attitude. When she started doing the squats I didn’t know where to look. Disgraceful. I watched her for about 15 minutes and caught her giving me this filthy stare. Jaysus, there are some wicked hoors in that place”.
McAleese also recognised a work colleague with whom she works at Asda.
“Every time she’s in the butcher department she’s gigglin’ and flirtin’ away with yer man behind the counter. She ought to be ashamed, her married an’ all. I’ll bet she’s been getting more than just a sirloin steak, that’s all I’m sayin’. No wonder she’s on the rowing machine so often. Trying to build the strength up in her back I’d say”.
McAleese went on,
“And I was at the zumba class having a wee seat to give my thyroid a rest, and I was watching this wan bouncing about in the leotard like she was off of Baywatch. Baywatch? Crimewatch more like. Face like a melted wellie. You could feel the floor thumpin’ like there was an earthquake going on. Tara”, she declared. “And I saw her in the gym café afterwards, eating a Shape yoghurt. The way she was going at it was like a labrador eating custard. Disgusting”.
McAleese’s comments have not been confined to the gym.
“I was at the Balmoral Show the other week, which wasn’t easy in 9-inch heels and a micro skirt and the field like a bog but I carried it off. Anyway, you should have seen some of the poor cows on display. Half of them looked riddled with disease. I was fair put off my WKD Blue after I saw all those flies buzzin’ round their backsides. And the cattle were no better”.
McAleese is looking forward to getting more exercise later in the month when she attends the Strictly Come Dancing event in Pomeroy with her grand-daughter.
Tyrone Women Bracing Themselves As Husbands Bring Out Barbecues
Urney Barbecue
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Thousands of women across the county are preparing for the worst as the warm weather looks set to continue into the weekend. As husbands in their droves drag barbecues out from behind the shed and start scraping the rust off, wives and partners are abruptly turning vegetarian overnight, sending children off to relatives, and frantically keying ‘999’ into the speed dial on their phones.
“I’ve scarce got over last year to be honest” said one woman from Urney. “It was the one warm day of June and I was looking forward to a nice quiet day in the garden but my man insisted on having a barbecue and cooking the whole lot himself. Jaysus, I was hoping to get a nice tan, and I ended up with the most tara scitter for the rest of the week. I couldn’t get the taste of rust out of my mouth for days”.
Another woman, from Cabragh, shared concerns.
“Barbecue? Barbe-spew more like. Last year I ate a couple of his burgers and some ribs that he got cheap from somewhere. Jaysus, did I not see them again half an hour later. My stomach was like one of those lava lamps for a month. And he’s always getting Sheena and Des over, our neighbours from across the way. We end up getting drunk and admit personal things and then we avoid eye-contact for six months for fear of what was said that night even though no one can remember”.
“What’s going on with all this weather?” demanded another woman from Brocagh. “Usually by the time the sun comes out here and my husband eventually gets off his arse to the get the barbecue stuff, it’s started raining or snowing. But the forecast last night said it’s guaranteed to be a really warm and pleasant weekend. What a nightmare”.
A spokeswoman from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council said that the weather is having far-reaching consequences beyond the back garden.
“Tyrone’s in unchartered territory here. For the first time in the county’s recorded history it’s definitely guaranteed to be a sunny weekend. Quite frankly, a lot of people are panicking. They don’t know what to do. We had one woman from Dungannon phoning us saying that normally if she goes out on a sunny day as a precaution she also takes a jumper, an umbrella, a pair of wellies, and a compass. What’s the poor woman supposed to take with her now?”
The Council have also has several calls from the Stewartstown area querying what the ‘big yellow hurty thing” is in the sky.
Brocagh Man Bought Helicopter To Stare At Women, Court Told
Kirby walking the dog
There were scenes of shock amidst laughter in Dungannon Crown Court today after it was suggested to the jury that Paul Kirby, a 55-year old plasterer from Brocagh, bought a helicopter with the sole purpose of spying on women putting clothes out on the line. The case against Kirby has been brought about by ten women from the area who were increasingly convinced that the helicopter was not being used for ‘keeping an eye on invaders on Lough Neagh’ as Kirby was putting about. Imelda McGourty explained:
“The penny started to drop after the third or fourth time I saw this helicopter rising over the far hedge every time I bought clothes out to dry. It was too much of a coincidence. Then I remembered how oul Kirby would be walking the roads early in the morning. He was quite obviously listening out for washing machines and predicting when the clothes would be ready for the line. To give him his dues, he was spot on every time, the dirty oul bastard.:
McGourty’s neighbour, Kelly Davidson, was also in no doubt about Kirby’s intentions:
“I was sort of suspicious too about this thing rising up as soon as I brought the basket out. So I bought a pair of binoculars from Gumtree and managed to surprise oul Kirby by quickly looking up. I saw him, quite clearly, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. No more proof needed. I now wear a boiler suit when sticking out the clothes, and no underwear will be hanging up too.”
Kirby denies the accusations and maintains he’s simply protecting the area from pirates across the lough:
“You try to do something good for Brocagh and this is the thanks you get. I’ve been keeping pirates from Antrim and Crumlin at bay by flying this thing. Have they ever been attacked by looting shipmen? No! That tells its own story. And anyway, as the modern man will tell you, a lot of men put clothes out on the line now. I see Benny Campbell’s skinny white legs out every morning – and that does nothing for me. Sometimes I just use it for walking the dog”
Kirby has been ordered to retire the Robinson R44 Raven until further notice.
Cow To Stand As Witness In Brocagh Court Case
Maggie, the Brocagh Charolais
The theft of a child’s scrambler from a field in Brocagh will create unprecedented scenes in Dungannon court as a cow is to stand witness in a last attempt by the vehicle’s owner to nail the burglar. After fourteen days of stalemate, the prosecution is to wheel in a 4 year old Charolais cow tomorrow who may have been a witness to the theft of the 50cc scrambler, given to young Paddy McGroarty at Christmas. Paddy’s father, Johnny, explains:
“We’ve spent a fortune trying to get the man who stole my lad’s scrambler. We were about to give up as he had every alibi in the book. It wasn’t until I thought of Maggie the Charolais. She was definitely in the field when it was stolen. I reckon that if we line up three men as suspects, she’ll react when she sees the thief. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. I’n not sure what she’ll do – maybe moo or nod her head. She’s a smart cookie.”
In order to impress the judges, McGroarty has had a special suit fitted for the cow so that she’ll not look odd in the court room.
“These cases are sometimes judged on the smallest of details. We want Maggie to look respectable and the type of cow you could trust. The only thing I’m worried about is her toilet habits. Like, if I went up to give evidence and then crapped on the floor, I’d not be taken seriously. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with that issue. Maybe plug her up for a couple of hours. I’ll need to think about this.”
The defendant, Leo Corr from Lisnastraine, called the latest move ‘deadly stupid’ as he maintains he was wearing sunglasses when he stole the scrambler and that’s there’s no way Maggie will remember him.
Loughshore Children Being Sent To School With ‘Turf Sandwiches’, Happily.
A Derrylaughan grandfather brings home treats
A BBC documentary on economic hardships in Ireland has uncovered a previously hidden phenomenon surrounding the eating habits of youngsters going to Brocagh, Aughamullan and Kingsisland schools. The TV show initially wanted to focus on emigration in the area after it emerged that the entire Derrytresk football team are moving to the States soon. However, they soon discovered, by accident, that primary and some secondary school children are being reared on turf in order to beat the recession’s effect in the east of the county. Executive producer Scunthorpe Kilpatrick was taken aback by the discovery:
“We knew something was up when we filmed a few homes going about their normal daily routines. At lunch time, the majority of families appeared to be boiling large industrial pots of what looked like a mixture of moss and turf, slapping it on to plates. After eating, I noticed the children had really black teeth for a while. When we asked what it was they were eating, they passed it off as ‘pate’ which turned out in standard English to be ‘peat’. They were stewing it, boiling it, frying it, baking it, toasting it and sometimes just snacking on it raw. They seemed quite happy.”
It wasn’t until they filmed the children in school that they became aware of the dependance on the natural commodity.
“Even though there were plenty of options in the canteens like lasagne, Haribos or burgers, the children seemed to prefer the turf sandwiches. It appears that what initially seemed like an effort to cut costs is now a staple diet by choice. It’s quite remarkable. I’ve seen children dander out up the ramparts, sit down and chew away on the banks. It’s like a real-life Willy Wonka story.”
Local historian, Felix Hughes, claims it’s the circle of life:
“Every 100 years ago, people down this way rediscover the delicacy that is lowland turf. This usually lasts for about 10 years or so until they go too far and start drinking the water in the ditches and someone gets an awful dose of the skitter. But that’s another five years away in this cycle.”
Hughes was quick to point out that the turf is for local consumption only and that anyone seen trying to eat the turf from foreign places like Coagh, Eskra or Portugal will be shot from a distance with an air rifle.
Terror In Tyrone As Windmill GFC Plan To Reform
Site for new Windmill field
Gaels throughout the county have reacted with shock to the news that Windmill GFC are on the verge of reforming and might even take up the hurling too this time. The East Tyrone outfit disbanded some time in the early 80s after a series of misdeameanours on and off the field left them unable to put out a side at any level every week. Fears that the club may reform surfaced last week when sons of ex-players were spotting running around a field for an hour, stopping only to rugby tackle haystacks or shoulder into makeshift walls. Moortown stalwart Paddy Quinn made no bones about what this means for Tyrone GAA:
“I never thought this day would come. I remember as a kid being told stories about the Big Bad Wolf, The Troll Under the Bridge and the Windmill Full Back. That was the category they were placed in. I only played the once against the Windmill in 1977 and lost my complete bottom set of teeth, and I was a sub who didn’t get on. This is bad news for the supposed hard men in the county. They’ll be whimpering in their sleep over the summer.”
The Tyrone referees’ Society have met already to reassure each other that ‘things will be alright’ according to retired umpire Gary Coyle from Stewartstown:
“One of my last matches refereeing was a game between Urney and Windmill back in 1980. Played down at the shore, Urney faced the intimidating sight of the Windmill side eating raw meat as a warm-up to the backdrop of men wrestling salmon and trout on the Lough. I sounded the final whistle with Urney a point ahead and left the pitch, slowly walking backwards, pointing a gun at the furious Windmill contingent. Unfortunately, I was hit over the head by an elderly supporter wielding an umbrella and woke up in Cookstown, stripped bare, with my hands superglued to my head. We need to be prepared this time.”
Windmill’s new chairman, Vinny ‘Cut throat’ Dawson, says they will not be forgetting their roots:
“They said they’ll give us a go at division three next year. If I was the Brocagh chairman, I’d pull them out. We have long memories here and can vivdly recall the day they overturned the Maxi belonging to our manager back in 1982 down at their place. Long memories.”
Their first friendly is pencilled in for August 21st against a Maghaberry Prison GAA Select.
Tyrone GAA News
DREGISH PENSIONER ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT AS A SUPPORTER
A 71 year old former pillow-fluffer from Dregish has announced he is stepping down as a supporter of the club after 67 years of travelling the county following the Pearse Ogs. Jake O’Farrell has decided to hang up his scarf, following in the recent footsteps of Alex Ferguson and David Beckham. Although Dregish Pearse Ogs were formed in in 1968, O’Farrell says he can remember another team from that area but cannot recall what they were called.
“I just thought the time was right. I take with me many highs like the time we bate Brocagh down at their field, on and off the pitch. The lows are part of it all too and the day we couldn’t field a team for the charity match against the Dublin 1995 side in front of 3000 people down in our field was a bit of an embarrassment. But, I’ll be able to put my feet up by the fire on a Sunday now and not give a buck about the Pearse Ogs. I considered taking a year out and then coming back maybe as a Drumquin supporter but we’ll see. I’d like to thank the club for the displays they put on over the last 67 years in the junior. I’ll not be going up to Castlederg on Sunday. I’m now unattached.”
DERRYTRESK CRISPS AND MINERAL VENTURE ‘A DISASTER’
The £16 table
Derrytresk have pulled the plug on an innovative business venture as it was revealed that they sold only one glass of mineral and no crisps at their home game last week. In an effort to bring extra money into the coffers, Seamie Devlin came up with the idea of setting up a table on the high rampart facing the road with boxes of crisps and a few bottles of mineral to be poured into plastic cups. Chairman Iggy Fitzgerald says enough is enough:
“Total disaster. We spent £16 buying that table and sold one drink. The big problem was that you have to jump a 6-foot ditch to get across to the rampart. Only one man made it. Twelve children had to be pulled out. Mrs Campbell’s dress was ruined though it gave the lads a bit of an eyeful. The second problem was making it back. Our only buyer, Patsy Dooher from Aughabrack, couldn’t get back over the ditch so he had to do a four-mile walked up through Annaghmore and missed the rest of the game and his lift home. All for a glass of brown mineral at £1.”
PHILIP JORDAN, RICEY MCMENAMIN AND HUB HUGHES TO GET SPECIAL MATCH PRIVELEGES
Ricey, last week
With a combined age of over 100, ex county players Jordan, Hughes and McMenamin are to be given special protection by referees to ease fears of broken hips, arthritis and failing senses. The new rules state that if one of these players receives the ball, opponents are to stand off for five seconds to allow the ageing trio to find their bearings and face the right direction. County chairman Aeneas McLoughlin told us:
“We remember wee Peter’s last few games. It was a bit embarrassing when the ball would come to him and he’d just be staring into space, rambling. His teammates would’ve been calling for the ball but sure he could hardly hear a thing. We’re not going to let our elderly ex-county men shuffle off into the wilderness like that. Last week, Ricey got sent off for taking a nap. The ref had no choice and acted quickly in case it developed into stage two. Last week I heard Jordan, who’s injured, spent the entire game watching the Moy’s warm-up pitch even though no one was on it apart from a couple of cats. Hub keeps complaining about the weather and knitting during a lull in play. These new rules will help ease their journey into the light.”
Brocagh Woman Panics After Not Receiving a Text For Whole Day
Teresa at midday
By Shengas McGlumphie
A Brocagh woman today told of her near-panic of going almost an entire day without getting a text from anyone. 24 year old Teresa Monteith, an accounts clerk from Ballybeg Road, admitted:
“I normally get one from my boyfriend by the time I’ve got to work about that evening’s dinner but nothing arrived, although we usually have bacon and cabbage on a Wednesday so I didn’t think much of it. But then I usually get a couple from my mum as well which are mostly about my da and his toilet troubles, but the phone just sat there in front of my desk, doing nothing. And Shona at work sometimes sends me a couple of texts even though she sits across from me but that’s so we can talk about Patricia and her stupid trousers without her knowing”.
After having decided at 11.30am just to ignore the phone for the rest of the day because she was so busy, Monteith finally succumbed after lunch and checked her ‘Manage Connections’ settings before eventually sending a text to herself entitled ‘Test’ to satisfy herself that the service was working. She subsequently consoled herself by going onto Facebook for 45 minutes and ‘liking’ several posts, including one from her sister-in-law wearing a sombrero and holding a vuvuzela, and another from her friend Clare which said how much she liked Nathan Turner’s new haircut.
Teresa then spent another hour typing in the names of people she went to school with to see if she could find anything of interest about them on the internet, and a further 15 minutes googling her own name.
After promising herself at 3.45pm that she wouldn’t be the first to send someone else a text, she received one at 4.10pm from her partner Eric, after she sent him a text that said ‘y havent u textd me?’, followed by a sad smiley face icon.
Police Outlaw East Tyrone ‘How’s She Cuttin’ In-Car Hand Gesture
The cuttin sign
The PSNI today announced that, from June 1st 2021, anyone seen spreading their fingers out wide up against their windscreen in a ‘how’s she cuttin’ manner as they meet another motorist will have 6 points added to their licence as well as face a £300 on the spot fine.
Since cars were first used in the lowlands in 1972, motorists from Moortown down to Derrytresk have greeted each other with the ninety degree hand gesture. It is only in recent years that passengers have joined in on the greeting, making driving somewhat treacherous according to Chief Constable Kitty O’Hare:
“It’s just too dangerous. I was attending a disagreement over access to a field in Drumurrer last week and kept an eye on the amount of cars offering their greetings to the arguing farmers. One car passed by and as well as the driver and passenger giving the ‘cuttin’ sign, three children in the back leapt forward into the front to add their ‘hello’. So, there were five hands spread out over the windscreen. How can anyone drive like that? We’ll be running courses in the near future for all motorists east of Cookstown to take which will promote simply raising your finger on the steering wheel and nodding.”
Locals have reacted strongly to the news. Brocagh cat neuterer Harry Turner says he’ll not be changing.
“My father and my father’s father gave the ‘cuttin’ sign on the windscreen. I myself have used two hands if I really liked the person. The police would serve their time better out chasing the perverts down at the Washingbay watching the women bathing in the Lough.”
Constable O’Hare also suggested coming up with a new greeting and will be calling in to homes starting at Tamnamore next week.
“Think about it – ‘How’s she cuttin’ and the reply ‘rightly’ makes no sense at all. Apparently the ‘cuttin’ thing is farmer talk dating back 100 years ago when farmers would discuss how good their wives were at cutting up the potatoes. We’re suggesting it’s replaced with ‘Greetings and Salutations’, with the reply ‘Why, thank you sir’.”
Harry Turner, when asked if he’ll buy into the new language, simply said ‘away te feck’.
Brocagh Family Had Best Holiday Rows Ever Over Easter In Bundoran
The McGurks, Good Friday
By Gombeen
An esteemed Brocagh family, the McGurks, claim they experienced the deadliest arguments they’d ever had during a three-day break at a caravan site in Bundoran over Easter. Tom and Cathy McGurk treated their two children and Tom’s parents to a traditional 6-seater getaway during the extremely cold spell at the end of March, managing to return to Brocagh with no one talking to anyone at all. Tom explained how the adventure got off to the worst possible start, making it a memorable break:
“As soon as we pulled out of Ballybeg Road, the children started arguing over who was getting the iPad. My mother then started giving off about the way young’uns couldn’t be pleased these days and that in her day they shut up and said nothing. Of course, my Cathy took that as a slight on her parenting skills and lit on mummy about poking her nose into things and even brought up my alcoholic brother as an example of ‘looking a bit closer to home’. We hadn’t even reached Cookstown and there was already stony silence.”
Things took a turn for the worse when Tom’s father and Cathy disagreed over the way home from the restaurant in Bundoran to the caravan site.
“To be fair, it was the best holiday for rows we’ve ever had. Daddy and Cathy were having a proper nose-to-nose screaming session over the route home. I was rowing with my ma regarding splitting the bill and the two children were cutting lumps out of each other in someone else’s garden. People were gathering around, pointing and laughing. It was a real humdinger of a weekend. I don’t think we stopped rowing even for a minute. Probably the best ever.”
The second day saw Tom’s parents move out of the caravan and spend the last night in a hotel near Downings but they all travelled home together, fitting in another bust-up over the temperature in the car.
Brocagh Child To Walk 150 Yards To School. Mother Apprehensive.
Davidson in training
Nine-year-old Sean Davidson from Brocagh will tomorrow attempt to walk to school from his house, approximately 150 yards, in a bold move which has gathered criticism and admiration in equal measures within the community. The last known child to walk to school in Tyrone – Peter Campbell from Glenelly – will be there to offer support and guidance as well pose for photos before and after the event with the brave Davidson. His mother, Mary, said that although she was apprehensive, she supported her son in what she described as ‘the journey of a lifetime’.
‘We were watching Frank Mitchell’s Weather Watchers and he’s predicting patchy rain and a stiff breeze for tomorrow. I hope it’s not abandoned. We are a four car family and decided we had to make a difference for the environment’s sake, and Sean came up with the walk to school idea. Other parents claimed we’re clean mad as a child shouldn’t be walking these days what with their wee chubby legs and possibility of swallowing midges. I hope our wee soldier will do us proud and make history.”
Sean will have the back up of his father following behind in his 2012 Land Rover Evoque in case of emergencies and he will be equipped with an iPad, Sat Nav, a self-erecting tent and a rucksack packed with crisps, minerals and Mars Bars. The principal of Brocagh PS confirmed they’ll be lining the last 20 yards of the route to offer moral support but was also aware of the pitfalls young Davidson may encounter:
‘Donnelly’s collie up the road barks like mad and sticks his nose through the fence as you pass and there’s quite a nasty incline for a couple of metres just before he arrives at the crossing with the lollipop lady. I only hope his new trainers hold out. You never know, this could be the beginnings of an Olympic medal winner for Brocagh’
The Brocagh Obesity Awareness Clinic claim this is only the start of a new mindset in the area and hope it will increase interest in their 100 metre sponsored walk next month.
Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers
Washingbay Road, Coalisland
This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.
Offers over £175,000
Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe
Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help, this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.
Offers over £80’000
Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory
This superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated. Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!
Offers over £45’000
Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally
This generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.
Offers over £30 or E50
Brocagh Woman Had Been Using Monopoly Money For 15 Years. Finally Caught.
Mrs McKeevney bought cooked ham with this
A Brocagh octogenarian had been buying groceries in her local shop since 1998 with monopoly money, Cookstown Court heard today.
The pensioner was apprehended last week when the aging shopkeeper’s son finally took over the family business.
Mary McKeevney (88), of Ballybeg Road, had been given the popular Christmas game in the late 1990s and mistakenly paid for a tin of corned beef and a pint of buttermilk on St Stephen’s Day 1998 using a Monopoly fiver. Having realised her good fortune, McKeevney continued to swindle the owner of Davidson’s Greengrocers, Ignatious Davidson (85), on a daily basis until her final purchase last Saturday night.
Davidson’s son and new proprietor of the shop, Kieran, filled in the blanks:
“Daddy always had a notion of Mary, ever since she won the Miss Wrangler Jeans at Brocagh Sports Day in 1966. Even as they approached their 80s he’d be flirting with her in the shop, making suggestive remarks about beef sausages and lemon tarts. I’ve no doubt that Mary’s initial purchase of the corned beef with the fake fiver was a legitimate mistake but it’s also clear her skulduggery spiralled out of control.”
Mrs McKeevney admitted purchasing nearly 400 Monopoly boards over the following years, dishing out £500’000 in Monopoly money in that time for bananas, teabags, Nutty Crust bread and sucking sweets mostly.
“My da is a deadly hoarder can just kept all takings under his bed in a big box. He has over a million pounds in it. Unfortunately half of it is useless unless you want to buy Mayfair or Marylebone Station. He was too busy ogling Mary’s aged and decrepit features to realise he was being hoodwinked. He retired last week so Mary got some shock when she saw me behind the counter. The brazen hussy tried it on with me but I knew straight away it was a Monopoly £20 she was using to pay for the Irish News and 20 white bonbons. She’s good looking for an 88-year old, I’ll give her that.”
Police now suspect that McKeevney’s husband wasn’t actually murdered in May 1991 by Professor Plum with a piece of lead piping in the billiard room as initially believed following his wife’s statement that fateful night.
Date Set For ‘New Tyrone 2014’ Image Conference
Possible Donegal/Tyrone border signpost.
A date has finally been agreed on for the inaugural Tyrone New Image Conference, the County Tyrone Tourism Board announced today at their Seskinore headquarters. March 31st, despite falling on Easter Sunday, was unanimously agreed after representatives from all townlands intimated they’d rather be at this congress than sitting at home eating chocolate for the risen Jesus. All members also agreed on the need for speed on this issue following twelve harrowing months of negative headlines emanating from the county from ball-grabbing, handbag-swinging and mouth-gouging to person-gobbing, diesel-laundering and a declining standards in Country and Western musicians. Chairman of the tourism committee, Lisa Horridge, set out the agenda this morning:
“First up, we need to decide whether we stick or twist. Do we embrace the negativity and turn our county into a fearless wilderness like Mexico or Dundalk, or do we start with a clean slate and clamp down on any behaviour we see as being detrimental to our reputation? We appear to be split on that stance as we speak. The Carrickmore delegation are proposing that we go full-on and get signs saying “Welcome To Hell” at various locations on the county borders. Ardboe have motioned the idea of rejecting any attempts by the government to police the county or pay taxes. Strabane wish to bring back lynching for people suspected of having liaised with outsiders and witch hunts against folk susceptible to politeness. Then you have the other side of the coin like Donaghmore. They want sanctions put in place that forbid people with ‘an odd eye in their head’ to be seen outside during daylight hours, like inbreds or something especially up near Castlecaulfield. Sion Mills want compulsory elocution lessons for farmers and labourers. There’s a lot to discuss really.”
In what promises to be a heated debate, all townlands have been asked to canvass their population to find out where they stand on the whole ‘New Image 2014’ debate. Presently, only Brocagh have revealed their preference indicating they will be taking a ‘No’ stance, instead advocating public displays of nudity and stepping up general bad manners at all times.
What’s On In Tyrone – March 5/6
Penrose in full flight
SATURDAY
Brocagh Spring Festival
Saturday 5th (12pm) sees the annual Brocagh Spring Festival, a pagan celebration dating back thousands of years when the first settlers in Ireland headed up to Brocagh for a rake about. This year, famous Brocagh exports including Tom McGurk (RTE), Gerry Davidson (finished third in a 3-mile race in Liverpool during the 80s) and ex-president Mary Robinson (passed through Brocagh by mistake in 1991) will be there to sign autographs and smile in photos. Other activities conclude ‘blind man’s bluff in the buff‘, “staring competitions” and “drink a gallon of cider and score from the 45m line“. Festivities conclude with the traditional dance between two self-confessed virgins between the ages of 20 and 30. Organisers have announced that Kitty O’Neill is now 31 so a new woman must come forward.
Loughmacrory Baby-Jumping Competition
This controversial event is probably in its last year as the European Courts are closing in. All babies taking part win a week’s supply of Farley Rusks. Last year’s record of 8 babies is the target for competitors Larry Penrose (above), Hillary Lily and Dan Barr. First jump 11am.
SUNDAY
Ardboe Fish-Swallowing Festival
The first year for this weekend extravaganza, the fish-loving community in Ardboe have come up with a unique way to celebrate their talents by holding a fish-swallowing competition with the unique take that the fish must still be alive. No one really knows how this will work at all but it’s sure to attract massive crowds to the loughshore at 3pm Sunday for the eel section.
Gortin-Glen Nude Bathing
Bare men and women here on Sunday
The famous Gortin Glen Forest Park hosts their nude-bathing evening this Sunday. Men and women from as far as Glenelly will take part in the hope that the magical Gortin waters will cure all warts and other things like that. Come along to cheer on the bare bathers from 7pm.
Tyrone Tribulations 