Category Archives: GAA
Donegal Used Secret Wind And Rain Machine To Beat Tyrone TWICE
Donegal weather machine?
Following two consecutive 6-point defeats in four days in Ballybofey in two separate competitons, two Tyrone sleuths have made the sensational claim that Donegal’s management team employed the use of a rain and wind machine to defeat the Red Hands, a device left over from the days of Jimmy McGuinness’s reign.
The machine, which was built by McGuinness by hand and used during county training to harden his squad even further, has over 44 settings including ‘gale force’, ‘tropical’ and ‘unusually mild’. Our sources tell us that McGuinness was reluctant to hand over the keys but finally relented when Rory Gallagher threatened him with writing an autobiography and getting his nemesis Declan Bogue to ghost it.
Tyrone supporter Conleith Mackle from the Moy confirmed the conspiracy theories are probably true:
“During the NFL game last Saturday I could hear a loud droning noise coming from behind the town goals but I just thought it was the Donegal accent. It was dark so I couldn’t see but the rain was acting strangely. A lot of it was going upwards.”
Tyrone also lost their U21 quarter final to Donegal at the same venue 4 days later, by the same margin, in similar conditions. Mackle added,
“I stood at the town end goals this time and, although dark again, the droning was louder and I could see these men in suits running around a field using what looked like joysticks to control something. They even started arguing when someone pressed something they shouldn’t have. That might explain the sudden burst of heat which touched 37 degrees celcius for three minutes.”
Donegal officials were unavailable to comment but were spotted throwing a blanket over something this morning.
Idea For New GAA Programme Spoiled By Southern Bias
Correct decision?
By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that the anti northern bias in the GAA is even more entrenched than he had previously suspected.
“I heard that RTE is looking for ideas for new programmes to air during the championship season this year so as work in my line tends to be quite slack during Lent when people go off the beer I came up with an idea and decided to research it.
“My idea was to do a programme a bit like the part of Question of Sport when they ask what happens next. I recorded some matches and then looked out for fouls. I would pause the play as soon as I spotted one with the intention of asking “What will the referee do next?”
“When I spotted a Dublin, Kerry or Mayo hallion infringing the rules of our national sport I would pause the video with the intention of jotting down which of the four options the referee would go for:
(a) free with no card
(b) yellow card
(c) black card
(d) red card.
“To my dismay, however, half the time the cynical southern ref would just ignore it and that wasn’t even one of the options. This totally spoiled my idea but having 5 options on the screen would look too messy.
“I also noticed that any time a northern player accidentally infringed the rules there would be a certain black card so again that doesn’t help my programme for it became too easy to predict. The programme would end up going like this:
“Sean Cavanagh accidentally touches some Free Stater. What will the referee do next?”
“Issue a black card”
“Correct”.
“Some people may think I’m biased but that’s wrong. Take the Tipperary and Derry match last summer. I looked at it again and Tipperary got far more frees than Derry and I’m saying that as a Tyrone man who has as healthy a dislike of Derry ones as any of my neighbours.
Sean’s wife Kate, who has asked to remain anonymous, has said that she thinks her husband is on to something but suggests that he has not quite hit the nail on the head this time.
She has looked at the videos too and has noticed that it is just the most handsome players that are treated harshly by the referees.
“Of course it is correct to say that lots of cards are issued to players like Sean Cavanagh, Tiernan McCann, Mark Bradley etc” she said. “Strictly speaking however” she continued “The reason why a disproportionate amount of northern players are getting the cards is just that most of the handsome players come from up here.”
Uproar As Tyrone Players Asked To Pay For Their Own Snorkels/Flippers For Monaghan Game
McCurry lines up a free kick
Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.
A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:
“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”
Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.
The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.
Hair Gel Costs Crippling Tyrone GAA
It has emerged tonight that a soaring spike in the cost of standard hair gel has forced the Tyrone County Board to ask for a few pounds a month from players to cover the backdrop in finances.
A leaked document last week indicated that, despite changing to the cheaper but less effective Boots version of men’s hair gel, over £30’000 was being spent on gel, hair dye and tanning products.
A squad member sent us an email this evening, complaining of the poor standard of gel which left players feeling vulnerable and exposed during the rain-drenched Saturday night game against Dublin a fortnight ago.
“It’s bad enough that the gel is now of a lesser standard than the stuff Mugsy and big Sean used to use in the last decade, but they’re making us pay for it. Tiernan McCann was black carded last week because he couldn’t even see the player coming towards him as the cheap stuff was tearing the eyes out of him. And why do you think McCurry’s accuracy is off?”
The email also suggests that Sean Cavanagh has been told they can’t afford the dye any more and we’re to expect a more “salt’n’pepper” look from the Moy legend in 2017.
Croke Park officials have subsequently asked Tyrone GAA to pay for the extra watering needed for their pitch after the cheaper brand of tan washed off onto their turf during the exciting NFL draw.
“Niall Sludden was completely unrecognisable at the end of the game in that we thought he was a spectator trying to break into the changing rooms at the end. He changed two shades. They County Board have ended up spending more by cutting costs. Pure shambles. “
Players are being asked to pay a direct debit of £3 a month into an Abbey National account in Clogher.
Leaked Document Shows How Tyrone Nearly Beat Dublin
New Tyrone Bus – Too Big?
By Aughoughilley Schniffles 
A confidential document made its way to our offices this morning, detailing a comprehensive plan on how Tyrone could beat Dublin in the league last week.
The ‘5-Steps-To-Heaven’ memo explains how much detail goes into even the smallest of percentages when it comes to winning games at county level. Although unsigned, it is accepted that the plan is the result of many high-profile figures associated with the county team contributing to the cause.
It reads as follows:
- Drop a pile of euros and cents around the ground. This will keep the Hill 16 supporters busy collecting the coins well into the first half as they’ll already be late watching the Liverpool/Spurs game. This could be worth up to THREE POINTS on the scoreboard.
- Drop a flier to all Tyrone houses during the week. On it give these orders to annex the Hill: Pretend to be a Dub. We estimate there might be a million people in Tyrone as well as exiled. Get everyone to go to Begleys, buy a new Dublin jersey and a lighter. Simply wear it over your Red Hand one and act like a heroin addict when they check your ticket at the Hill 16 turnstiles. Once you are in you can burn it with the lighter you got at Begleys- and fill the Hill singing stuff like Philomena’s classic “Who’s Gonna stop Canavan?” (replacing Cavanagh for Canavan) or “Come on Tyrone, You’re On Your Own”
- Bring out a Brian O’Driscoll lookalike beforehand to warm up. That’ll confuse the Dubs. There’s a boy in Eskra who looks like him under lights.
- Maybe it’s time to unfreeze Brian Dooher from the cryo tank now instead of the planned the 50th anniversary year of the opening of the Garvaghy complex in 2063?
- Bring in a big bollocks of a bus to show how much richer we are than the Dubs.
Unfortunately, all plans were not enough to stop the Dublin juggernaut, with the last resort, the bus, being too big to get into Croke Park, resulting in the players having to walk all the way from Quinns. It apparently took a lot out of Cavanagh who made the last 400 yards in a wheelchair.
Harte May Recall Slim-lined Mugsy To End Dublin’s Unbeaten Run
Mugsy’s new look is a secret
Dublin, who extended their unbeaten run to 30 games after a win over Cavan in the Allianz League opener, are said to be spooked at the news that Owen Mulligan may return to face the champions on Saturday night in Croke Park.
Mulligan, who has reportedly shed 3 stone by running up and down Cookstown Main Street during the middle of the night, memorably tortured the capital’s team in 2005 over two games including a goal which some describe the greatest they’ve seen in the famed headquarter turf. His 1-7 in the replay cemented the Cookstown man as Dublin’s nemesis that year.
A Dublin backroom member told a reporter this evening:
“This is a spanner in the works. We know we can handle this current Tyrone crop but Mulligan is a different species altogether. Paddy Christie told me recently he still wakes up in cold sweats about that goal. Coman Goggins took to sleepwalking straight after that game. And if Mugsy has shed three stone he’ll be hungry.”
Dublin’s 30-game unbeaten record in league and championship, going right back to March 1st, 2015, sees them as odds-on favourites for Saturday night’s clash despite Mulligan’s imminent arrival. Taking advantage of the bookie’s odds of 2/1, dozens of Cookstown punters have lumped on Tyrone due to their hero’s physical conditioning. Close friend and chronic gambler John Datsun explained:
“It’s like Rocky 4. Owen is going to kick that big Russian’s arse, or Jack McCaffrey as we know him as in Ireland. You should see Mugsy carrying in 6 kegs at the one time into the bar. He’s a pure beast right now and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. He’s gonna ate the leg clean off Michael Darragh MacAuley.”
Mulligan is also reportedly sporting a new look which will remain under wraps until he runs out onto the pitch, if this story is true at all.
Darren McCurry is apparently unhappy at the prospect of being benched in favour of the former All-Star, with the Edendork sharpshooter cryptically tweeting ‘what a load of bollocks #nevergoback #yourepastit #sticktopullinpints’
Lignite May Explain High Levels Of Baldness In Tyrone
Tyrone man, today
A leading trichologist from France has completed a detailed three-year research mission into the extremely high prevalence of baldness in Tyrone and believes he has found the reason with a reported 99% accuracy.
Baldness has long been a marked feature of masculinity within the county much to the annoyance of young red-hand bachelors hoping for a romantic clinch at the end of a night in Sally’s or the Greenvale. Now, with the help of Professor Blanc from Strasbourg, the source of the problem appears to be the amount of lignite (brown coal) under the county, especially in the east.
Moortown man and baldy since the age of 20, Padraig Quinn (44), admitted the news has come as a source of relief:
“At last we can say we’re real Tyrone men now. I’m sick and tired of being called Bald the Builder, cueball, bald eagle, shiny dome, melon head, The Shining, peeled onion, scraped grape and the like. And that’s just my parents. The abuse in the pubs and clubs is crippling. All we need to do now is dig up this lignite and we’ll save future Tyronians from the same fate I experienced.”
The excavation of lignite in Tyrone has been a contentious issue since the mid-80s but may now receive public backing for the first time. Lignite emits a gas which attacks the male chromosome responsible for follicle growth.
High profile Tyrone baldies such as Chris Lawn and Peter Canavan helped to restore confidence in eggheads from the bushes but this news may encourage fellow Kojaks to hold their potato up proudly high this week.
Brokenshire Masters Tyrone/Derry Dialect After McKenna Appearance
The Secretary of State for Northern Ireland James Brokenshire, who attended the McKenna Cup gaelic football final in Newry, is said to have mastered the mid-Ulster vernacular after spending only two hours in the company of GAA aficionados.
Despite a drab, one-sided game, Brokenshire appears to have come away from the fixture all the richer from the experience and was even heard to say to his taxi-driver this morning ‘two hands for f**k sake‘ when his driver attempted to steer with one hand.
His advisor and former Conservative back-bencher, Tim Battleford, admitted he was shocked at how quickly Brokenshire has embraced his new surroundings, especially after last night’s attendance in Newry at the Tyrone/Derry final:
“We were watching the tennis this morning and he just jumped out of his seat and shouted at the umpire ‘away a that a ye referee ye bollocks’. The umpire hadn’t done anything wrong. Then when we were driving to the airport he saw a lollipop man stopping traffic and he shouted out the window ‘Hi linesman, are your f**king eyes painted on?”
Later, at Aldergrove airport, Brokenshire reportedly became irate at the length of time it was taking to get his satchel through security and was heard to roar “Let it in ta f**k wud ye“, a phrase he supposedly heard someone in the crowd shout at Colm Cavanagh as Ronan O’Neill made another fruitless run in the full forward line.
Brokenshire was also spotted chatting up his cousin this morning, probably another after-effect from the McKenna final.
Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.
Healy Park, this morning
A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’.
Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.
“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”
Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.
“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”
As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.
China Financial Splurge Continues As Far East GAA Clubs Buy Former Tyrone Stars
Shanghai Emmets React To Mugsy Transfer
Owen Mulligan, Philip Jordan, Hub Hughes and Brian McGuigan are set to become the latest big name sporting stars to make their way to the Far East as Shanghai Emmets splashed out on all four in the hope that GAA rivals soccer as the biggest athletic attraction in China.
Early reports are sketchy but rumours suggest Mulligan, whose blonde locks are revered east of India, will be able to command upwards on £500’000 a week for the Emmets – making him comparable to the wages of Messi, Ronaldo and Roger Federer in world sport.
Killeeshil’s Kevin Hughes, whose nickname ‘Hub’ translates as ‘accurate one’ in Chinese, has reportedly spent the last week learning all the dishes in his favourite Silver Chopsticks Chinese Takeaway in Dungannon in their native language. Close friend and fellow ex-Killeeshil great Michael Hagan admitted it’s a big move for the 2003 All Ireland man-of-the-match recipient:
“It’ll be hard being away from loved ones but if Hub plays about 20 league and championship games out there, he’ll come home with around £10m tax-free. He’ll be able to buy Killeeshil and maybe a bit of Cabragh too. That’s as long as he’s not dropped.”
Jordan and McGuigan are said to be already on their way to the land of the Red Dragon in order to do a few laps at Chinese altitude. Their first game is against the Guangzhou Evergrande Pearses is due to be played in three week’s time.
Former county stars Ryan Mellon and Chris Lawn have been playing in China for over twelve months already for the Beijing Guoan St Mary’s, taking them to the Intermediate title. Due to his natural leadership tendencies, Lawn is reportedly already an Emperor, the first Moortown man to be so.
McElduff Sent Off As Stormont Charity Soccer Game Ends 1-1
Catriona Ruane in goals for the Greens
Barry McElduff plans to appeal his straight red card after a tempestuous politicians’ Greens v Blues charity game ended a draw this morning in Stormont gardens. Greens captain, Gerry Adams, was also yellow carded late on for a late tackle on Peter Weir despite denying venomously that he wasn’t even in the vicinity at the time of the alleged attack.
Windy conditions and a mudbath pitch greeted the small crowd in attendance as respective captains Adams and a fit-again Peter Robinson exchanged gifts before the kick-off, refereed by ex-politician Basil McCrea. Robinson set the tone for the game by breaking in half Adams’ present of a Clontibret shillelagh.
It was Robinson who opened the scoring for the Blues with a towering header from a Mike Nesbitt corner. The two celebrated in front of the partisan crowd by playing mock flutes whilst Jim Allister marched behind banging on an imaginary drum. Arlene Foster, who didn’t start the game, spent the entire first half trying to warm up along the touchline.
A stern half-time talk by joint-managers Martin McGuinness and Alex Maskey appeared to work wonders as the Greens stormed out of the blocks in the second half with a previously ineffectual Colum Eastwood rattling the crossbar and an offside goal ruled out, initially finished by Michelle O’Neill who was causing big problems for the Blues up front.
O’Neill was not to be denied after curling a splendid free kick inside the near post after Alex Attwood was fouled by Gregory Campbell. Campbell was booked for using inappropriate language to ref McCrea for the free. O’Neill was also yellow carded for taking her top off in celebration which proved to be a popular decision by both sets of supporters.
Despite Foster, sufficiently warmed up at this point, bolstering the Blues attack in the last ten minutes with her bulldozing approach-play, the game remained devoid of goals but not action as McElduff received his marching orders for a scything tackle on Sammy Wilson whose shorts were completely torn off in the incident, exposing his backside again to the crowd.
The final whistle was greeted by a free-for-all with Michelle Gildernew and Jo-Ann Dobson pulling the hair off each other whilst Jonathan Bell, who played as a lone striker, was booked for firing what looked like small wooden sticks at his team-mates.
Peter Robinson received the player of the match award for his long punts up the field to Dodds.
Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies
Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink
Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.
When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.
The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:
- The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
- Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned…
View original post 208 more words
Worried Tyrone Celebrities To Enter Underground Bunker In Omagh To See Out 2016
Lynette Fay enters bunker
Following a spate of high-profile celebrity deaths as 2016 comes to a close, the Tyrone County Treasure Comittee have urged over 30 local personalities to take advantage of an underground bunker in Omagh for a few days, built in 1986 when they were worried about Halley’s Comet hitting the town.
Luminaries such as Paul Brady, Philomena Begley, Darren Clarke, Barry McElduff, Michelle Gildernew, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, Willie McCrea, Lynette Fay, Brian Dooher and Dennis Taylor have already taken refuge in the bunker which has a 24-hour blood pressure monitor and running machine installed, wired up to a GP’s surgery in Gortin.
Speaking on behalf of the Committee, Janet Garvey admitted it was tough leaving out some of our more well known stars:
“Owen Mulligan turned up with a six Harp tins and a 14 bag of Walkers Crisps but we thought he wasn’t sending out the vibes we want in there, especially as he was dressed up as the grim reaper. There was also no room for Sam Neill and Peter Kay as they haven’t really spent much time in the county.”
Early reports suggest things haven’t settled well with eye witnesses confirming Dooher and McElduff were engaged in a fist fight at the bunker door over allegations of snoring and snattering during the middle of the night.
The bunker will be opened again on January 1st 2017 with the majority of them expected to leave.
Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year
CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY
Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.
The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on Harte’s men.
A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:
“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”
The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.
Our Tyrone source explained:
“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”
Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.
Harte Orders Tyrone To Train EIGHT Days A Week After Armagh Defeat
Vomiting and retching was heard as far away as Caledon as the Tyrone squad returned for early weekday training in Garvaghey after their chastening 6-point defeat to Armagh in the Ó Fiaich Cup final at the weekend.
The loss to their near neighbours, their first since 1982, caused shockwaves across the county with a reported increase in Mass attendance and rosary-saying since yesterday morning.
Additionally, manager Mickey Harte reportedly sent a group text out to all squad players stating that training has now been increased to 8 days a week to make sure the debacle in Crossmaglen never happens again.
A fringe squad player from Galbally told us:
“Mickey was in wile bad form after that bad bateing by Armagh. I’ve never seen him lose it like he did and he was was cursing and stuff. He toul McCurry he couldn’t kick a rope, never mind snow off it. He even fired a banana at Sean Cavanagh and he wasn’t even playing. Credit to Sean, he trapped it, soloed it and then ate it in one move.”
Despite initial confusion over the logistics of the new 8-day week, squad members have signed a contract committing themselves to the new regime with the extra day probably occurring some time between Tuesday and Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Armagh’s Ó Fiaich Cup winning bus parade through Blackwatertown last night passed off peacefully despite concerns of a Moy contingent hijacking the celebratory event. Seven elderly Armagh supporters were hospitalised though with hyperthermia.
Brave ‘I Don’t Like GAA That Much’ Man From Carrickmore Speaks Out
Ardboe man admits he doesn’t know who Frank McGuigan is
More men and women who aren’t that fond of sport and GAA in particular in Tyrone have been urged to speak out after a non-sporting anonymous clinic in Portrush revealed over half their members were from rural parts of the county.
One particular member, who has spent 44 years in Carrickmore listening to talk about Tyrone GAA and pretending to like it, wants more people like him to come forward and show the courage needed to talk freely about fashion, reality tv and world issues.
Patsy Gormley, whose father played for the club like his grandfather before that, revealed the extent of the continuous misery he has endured over the years:
“People don’t know how tough it’s been. I’ve no interest in it atall but if you admitted that, you’d be admitted yourself to a psychiatric ward. I’m sure people were suspicious of me because I’d be joining in and mixing up my Canavans, Cavlans, Cavanaghs and all. Last week I said to a boy at a wake that it was great that Canacavalagh was playing for another year. The place went quiet and I pretended to vomit.”
The clinic in Portrush, SID (Sport Is Dung), allows non-sporting Tyronians from traditional GAA heartlands to get together and share their experiences within the blanket of anonimity.
Gormley vowed to hold his head high in his community this week and engage in conversations about ISIS, the X-Factor or global warming with anyone willing to listen and will refuse to attend Carrickmore games from now onwards.
“They’re shite anyway. Sure Conor Gorbley is near 40.”
Membership of SID is free and meetings are held outside Barrys on Thursdays at 10pm. No football tops or hoodies.
New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’
A new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.
After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.
In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:
NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!
- ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
- EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
- OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
- DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
- CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
- TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
- DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!
NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!
- JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
- SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
- DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
- 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
- MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!
NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!
- CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
- MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
- UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
- REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
- SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.
NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!
- JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
- MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
- TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
- MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
- and much, much more
Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99
Entire County Of Tyrone To Be Airlifted To Mars
by Plunkett McJunket
Due to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.
The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.
American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.
“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.
At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.
Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.
Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying
“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.
To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.
A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.
Turmoil In East Tyrone As Breakaway Screener Factory Discovered In Beijing
By E Tyrone reporter Darby Gill
512 Vibrating Screener
Screener Valley (Coalisland and everywhere within a 15-mile radius) was left in turmoil this morning after news of a new screener company in Bejing was leaked to mainstream media. Witnesses maintain that so bad was the fallout from the news that men left Falls’ Bar early on Wednesday afternoon to head back to work.
The spokesman for Boys And Lads who Love Screening (BALLS), Becky “Arc Eye” McMoran, gave the following statement.
“Hi boy, what would them wee boys know about a MIG welder. We’ve been making screeners here for 20 years and no one knows more about them, hi. I mind building screeners here since I left school at 10 years old to cover up missed welds with chewing gum. It’s them Health and Safety boys have wrecked the whole show lad.
We used to able to work 90 hr weeks and hang aff rafters to get at the real hard bits to weld. Now it’s all masks and steel toe caps and you have to be back in the house by 7pm. Sure that’s no use to no man hi. I’ll not be getting a Chinese on a Sunday night now after lying in bed all day boking I’ll tell you.”
Although the new Beijing development is only a minor player, an “Irish Rejuvenation Agency” was seen leaving Washingbay last night. As the windows of the Vauxhall Carlton were blacked out it was difficult to determine who made up the party. McSorleys hardware was unavailable for comment on how many pickaxe handles and 6” nails they had sold the day before.
Tyrone Tribulations 