Brocagh Family Had Best Holiday Rows Ever Over Easter In Bundoran
The McGurks, Good Friday
By Gombeen
An esteemed Brocagh family, the McGurks, claim they experienced the deadliest arguments they’d ever had during a three-day break at a caravan site in Bundoran over Easter. Tom and Cathy McGurk treated their two children and Tom’s parents to a traditional 6-seater getaway during the extremely cold spell at the end of March, managing to return to Brocagh with no one talking to anyone at all. Tom explained how the adventure got off to the worst possible start, making it a memorable break:
“As soon as we pulled out of Ballybeg Road, the children started arguing over who was getting the iPad. My mother then started giving off about the way young’uns couldn’t be pleased these days and that in her day they shut up and said nothing. Of course, my Cathy took that as a slight on her parenting skills and lit on mummy about poking her nose into things and even brought up my alcoholic brother as an example of ‘looking a bit closer to home’. We hadn’t even reached Cookstown and there was already stony silence.”
Things took a turn for the worse when Tom’s father and Cathy disagreed over the way home from the restaurant in Bundoran to the caravan site.
“To be fair, it was the best holiday for rows we’ve ever had. Daddy and Cathy were having a proper nose-to-nose screaming session over the route home. I was rowing with my ma regarding splitting the bill and the two children were cutting lumps out of each other in someone else’s garden. People were gathering around, pointing and laughing. It was a real humdinger of a weekend. I don’t think we stopped rowing even for a minute. Probably the best ever.”
The second day saw Tom’s parents move out of the caravan and spend the last night in a hotel near Downings but they all travelled home together, fitting in another bust-up over the temperature in the car.
Killyclogher Man Shocked To Discover Wife Is Customs Officer
Deirdre in casual gear
Killyclogher plasterer, Leo McCracken, was today said to be reeling from the revelation that his wife of eight years has actually been a customs officer gathering information on his illegal distillery around the back of their house. ‘Deirdre McCracken’ (real name Constable Geraldine Gilbride) came clean over dinner this evening after feeling she’d collated enough evidence to send her ‘husband’ down for at least three years. Leo was inconsolable:
“Holy mother and the donkey. I’d dumbfounded. I’m trying to recall some clues but nothing comes to mind. She even stirred the brew and took part in lethal sessions we had in the shed whilst tasting the stuff. I can even remember her gulping down the plum poitin on a Saturday recently whilst doing some kind of mad Irish dancing on a milk crate. We courted for three years and are married eight. That’s an eleven-year undercover operation. We have four children for buck sake. She’s some operator, I’ll give her that.”
The HM and Revenue spokesman tonight admitted that in 2000 they decided to for once and for all bust the lucrative Killyclogher illegal alcohol business by making a female officer woo and court a suspect. Chief Superintendent McCrystal told us:
“Fair play to Constable Gilbride. An eight year marriage and bearing four children shows dedication to the job. She decided to come clean after Leo suggested dressing up as Wombles to spice things up a bit in the marriage. That’s the end of Leo and his 450 gallon a year production. To be fair to him too, it was great stuff and part of me will miss it.”
Leo maintains he has learned his lesson and hopes ‘Deirdre’ will visit him and the kids the odd time:
“Ah we had some great times. When I think about it now though, I should’ve noticed she was a cop. She would say ‘hello, hello, hello’ first thing in the morning and would leave notes for me under the wiper on the windscreen of my car. She also drove a Land Rover with flashing lights”
Future Of Tyrone’s Coastguard Helicopter In Jeopardy As Pilot Held To Account
On duty, this morning
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
The future of Tyrone’s coastguard service lies in doubt amidst claims that the helicopter pilot employed by the Coastguard was witnessed on several occasions using the aircraft for his own personal use. Kieran Doherty of Trillick was allegedly seen landing in the Tesco car park in Dungannon to use the cash dispenser two weeks ago on Saturday. He defended his actions, saying:
“I thought I saw someone close to the edge of the lake in Dungannon Park. You can’t be too careful you know. I went in to make an emergency landing but she over-shot and accidentally landed in Tesco’s car park. Just next to the cash point. And anyway, I could hardly have landed in Dungannon Square, could I? It’s heaving on a Saturday afternoon”.
Doherty has also had to defend accusations that he hovered at less than 50 feet above the pitch for the entire second half at last Sunday’s match at St Colmcille’s football ground between Carrickmore and Eglish, allegedly to get a pilot’s eye view of the game. “Not true” said a heated Doherty.
“I just happened to be flying by and saw a whole lock of people waving and shouting. We’re trained in the Coastguard that that sort of thing can often be a sign of people drowning, so I went in for a closer look. By the time I realised all was in order, Mark Donnelly had scored two brilliant goals and was going for the hat trick. Deadly. He’d probably have got it if the ball hadn’t flown into the rotors. Some boy that Donnelly”.
The claims come at a time when many people are questioning the benefit of the Coastguard service, which is based at Omagh. The helicopter, an Agusta Westland AW139 model, currently costs the public purse more than £1m each year to operate. “It’s ridiculous” said local MP Sean Cribben, an opponent of the service. “It’s utter madness to have a coastguard helicopter for Tyrone when any idiot can see it’s a bonkers idea. A lifeboat would be much more cost effective”.
Criticism has also come from certain parts of the county who have been distressed by the presence of the helicopter. Stewartstown residents in particular have been reported as being terrified of the “big noisy sky bird”, and have run into their homes screaming.
Moy Unveil New VIP Section In Stand For New Season. Donaghmore Furious.
The failed Dromore VIP section
Moy GFC this morning unveiled their Premier Viewing Section at their ground on the Benburb Road, becoming the second Tyrone club to do so after the failed Dromore attempt in 1988. Dignitaries such as Plunkett Donaghy and Dr Kennedy from Neighbours attended the opening although photographers from Donaghmore boycotted the event. Moy treasurer Ronnie McGeown cut the ribbon which was actually a bit of police tape the PSNI left behind during a raid last year. The section consists of a perfect square at the top right hand corner of the stand allowing 8 or 10 people to squeeze into. McGeown believes this will become the norm around the county before long:
“Myself and a couple of lads were finding it increasingly irritating to stand with the ordinary man watching a match, what with their foul language and snorting and stuff. We came up with an idea of a VIP section season ticket that will allow six home fans and four away who possess a certain level of respectability to sit together in the top corner with four-foot perspex glass around them. We will provide fine English cheeses and a glass or two of Chilean Merlot. Free wifi will also allow the VIPs to do business transections or arrange social gatherings for the Tatler. We will maybe throw the leftovers to the non-VIP shower at half time like bits of cabbage etc.”
Donaghmore GFC are said to be furious that they have been surpassed as the poshest club in Tyrone. Chairperson Henrietta Winklebottom did not hold back:
“Who do they think they are? Have you ever been to the Moy or Benburb? Shit-kickers we call them. Always covered in crap. We’ve been picking bits of Venezuelan Pork from between out teeth at matches long before the Moy had running water. I had a look at the so-called VIP section. It’s like an exclusion zone for foot and mouth sows. This is just like the time Dromore tried it. They made the VIPs stand on bicycles.”
All six tickets home tickets have been sold for this weekend’s visit of Derrylaughan. The Kevin Barrys were not offered their allocation of four on the grounds that it would be pointless. A VIP season ticket costs £600 or £100 per game.
Aughnacloy Building Firm Admit To Using Frozen Trifle Instead Of Bricks
The future?
Gildernew’s Building Supplies have admitted that they attempted to cut costs by using frozen trifle and jelly to build a new estate out the Monaghan Road last year. Suspicions were raised when house-owner Kieran Copney noticed his children licking the walls more often than what would be usual in South Tyrone. After further investigation, the Copneys discovered other shortcuts had been made in a desperate attempt by Gildernew’s men to save money during these times of austerity.
”Holy God. Bricks made of trifle. Have you ever heard of that before? Only in Aughnacloy. To give them their credit they seem to have made a quare job of freezing it permanently and soothing out any wobbliness. And in the summer time there was a gentle whiff of whipped cream and custard which disguised any natural wind breakage from the wife and children. But, they could have told us like. The cement seems to be made from porridge and Ready Brek too.”
Building Control have made further investigations into the affair and released some startling discoveries:
”After a thorough investigation, it appears that some of the rafters in the attics were made from solid French loaves, filled with some kind of polyfill. Many of the windows were plastic with cling-film over it to give off a sparkly kind of look. It was some job.”
Gildernew’s issued a statement today defending their choice of building materials, even going on the offensive regarding other dubious practices from rival firms.
”If those children hadn’t started licking all the walls, familes on the Monaghan Road would’ve lived in domestic bliss without knowing the truth. Now they’re expecting an interior wall to start wobbling at any moment. It’s all psychological. This sort of practice has been going on for years. I know of a B&Q out near Omagh that sold sheds made out of out-of-date tortillas. There’s a housing estate in Coalisland made from liquorice.”
Brocagh Child To Walk 150 Yards To School. Mother Apprehensive.
Davidson in training
Nine-year-old Sean Davidson from Brocagh will tomorrow attempt to walk to school from his house, approximately 150 yards, in a bold move which has gathered criticism and admiration in equal measures within the community. The last known child to walk to school in Tyrone – Peter Campbell from Glenelly – will be there to offer support and guidance as well pose for photos before and after the event with the brave Davidson. His mother, Mary, said that although she was apprehensive, she supported her son in what she described as ‘the journey of a lifetime’.
‘We were watching Frank Mitchell’s Weather Watchers and he’s predicting patchy rain and a stiff breeze for tomorrow. I hope it’s not abandoned. We are a four car family and decided we had to make a difference for the environment’s sake, and Sean came up with the walk to school idea. Other parents claimed we’re clean mad as a child shouldn’t be walking these days what with their wee chubby legs and possibility of swallowing midges. I hope our wee soldier will do us proud and make history.”
Sean will have the back up of his father following behind in his 2012 Land Rover Evoque in case of emergencies and he will be equipped with an iPad, Sat Nav, a self-erecting tent and a rucksack packed with crisps, minerals and Mars Bars. The principal of Brocagh PS confirmed they’ll be lining the last 20 yards of the route to offer moral support but was also aware of the pitfalls young Davidson may encounter:
‘Donnelly’s collie up the road barks like mad and sticks his nose through the fence as you pass and there’s quite a nasty incline for a couple of metres just before he arrives at the crossing with the lollipop lady. I only hope his new trainers hold out. You never know, this could be the beginnings of an Olympic medal winner for Brocagh’
The Brocagh Obesity Awareness Clinic claim this is only the start of a new mindset in the area and hope it will increase interest in their 100 metre sponsored walk next month.
Suspect Fraudulent Claims Rocks Greencastle Farming Community
A common sight in Greencastle?
Government officials today were refusing to comment on the news that upwards on 150 claims are to be investigated by the ‘Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’. The Bureau were alerted to the possible misdemeanors after a zoo official, who was in their office registering a personal snow-plough, indicated that there were definitely no giraffes in Greencastle. Farmers were invited last month to forward a list of animals they may have lost in the drifting snow in the hope that some compensation would ease their financial losses. The Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’s Johnny Bingham explained:
“We received an unusually large quota of claims from the Greencastle area in the immediate aftermath of the recent snowfall regarding the loss of a vast array of animals not really seen that often around the bottom of the Sperrins. Farmer Devlin claims he lost 33 ostriches and an elephant in the snowdrift. A neighbour, Johnny ‘the yellow boy’ McCullagh, maintains the extreme weather cost him three giraffes, two alligators and four kangaroos. I know the snowdrifts were unusually high but the giraffe is stretching the imagination a bit. Add to that the fact that no one had ever seen a giraffe in the area and it’s beginning to look a bit dubious.”
McCullagh is still adamant he is a few exotic animals down after the snow and explains why locals had never spotted them before the tragdey:
“What does it matter if these people hadn’t seen the giraffes? People here in passing would just put them down as big horses. The two alligators were fairly camouflaged so I can explain that one away. The kangaroos are private individuals and brilliant at avoiding detection. I’m fairly gutted about their disappearance to be honest.”
When pressed on the fact the coyote noises coming from the barn were quite obviously his wife and children faking it and that no animal was recovered when the snow melted, McCullagh muttered something about them being in heaven and to get off his land. Devlin and McCullagh stand to receive £300’000 if successful. John Teague’s claim for a missing wooly mammoth wasn’t even processed.
Wooly mammoth and the Sperrins?
TYRONE NEWS IN BRIEF
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Kildress baker shop to close
‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.
Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all
Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep telling me it is if it’s not?” said a bewildered Sheeran. “I might as well wait a wee while longer. To be honest, I’m only calling to thank them for sending through the offer on travel insurance”.
Dungannon Square to be re-named
Under new EU rules, Dungannon Square is to be re-classified as ‘Dungannon Trapezoid Rhombus’. Dungannon Councillor and part-time nutter Liam O’Donoghue said, “Well, it’s not an exact square is it? Not a right angle to be seen. Go on, measure it. We’d be a laughing stock if Brussels found out we’re calling it a Square. They’d think we’re all culchies. It’s not going to happen on my watch”. Residents in the Pomeroy Diamond are reported as being nervous.
340 lb Cabragh man didn’t go to doctor to get told to ‘lose some beef big man’.
32-stone Cabragh man Sidney Clarke was reported as being furious last night after having been told he was ‘like the side of a house’ by his local doctor. “I was expecting to get some dietary advice and a few exercise pamphlets all of which I could ignore, just like last time” said Clarke. “Instead, he told me in a very direct and uncompromising manner that I had to lose weight”. Dr Kevin McElhatton said afterwards, “Jaysus. The yoke looks like something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’. All that’s missing is the spear”. Clarke however was livid. “This is a personal affront to my dignity”, he said, before waddling off and stopping to wheeze against the side of a lamp post a few yards up the road.
Tattyreagh author publishes book
In an effort to capitalise on the recent success of the best-selling book ’50 Shades of Grey’, Tattyreagh’s very own Sarah Hagan today publishes her debut novel ‘7 Shades of Shite’. On sale in Costcutter’s, it is an autobiographical tale of Hagan’s own coming to terms with her errant and frequently-drunk husband Seamus, and how she experimented with the erotic and sado-masochistic side of their physical relationship by ‘battering lumps out of him with her ironing board’.
Tarmaced Road In Carrickmore Receives Mixed Reviews
The old concrete road
BY GOMBEEN
A recently tarmaced road in Carrickmore has divided opinion in and around the village with one man calling it ‘the last straw’ for him and his family before heading off towards Kildress. The famous concrete road finally received a makeover last month after fears they’d look bad if Obama popped into the store to buy a lock of hurleys to bring home after the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Funded by the European Union, Carrickmore has received £300 to slap on some paint and tarmac the concrete road in a whole infrastructure upgrade to impress the Yanks if they did happened to pass through. Greg McNally (66) was not overly impressed:
“Typical middle-class outlook here these days. They didn’t want Obama thinking we were poor so they threw a coat of emulsion over The Corner and The Credit Union. I can take that I suppose. But now they’ve tarmaced the concrete road. This the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. You only have to walk into a house in the Carmen and you’ll see microwaves, TV remotes, headache tablets, kettles and oil-fired heating. That’s not the Carrickmore I know and love. Now they’ve tarmaced the buckin road. Why does everything have to be smooth these days? We’re all off to Kildress where the people still live at one with the wild.”
Not all shared McNally’s pessimism. Linda Hurson, a 39-year old unpublished writer, claims the new road is a deadly job:
“McNally would need to wind his neck in. Like the electric shaver and firelighters, the tarmaced road is here to stay. Women from Carrickmore couldn’t get jobs for years because they were applying make-up on the old bumpy concrete road and were going into interviews looking like drunk clowns. Now I can put on the heavy concealer no bother. My young lad doesn’t throw up as well. Obama’s going to think we’re flipping like the Chinese. Brilliant use of the funding.”
The official opening of the tarmaced road will take place tomorrow night with protesters warned they’ll get a good kicking if they attend.
‘What’s On’ Guide For This Evening On Tribulations TV
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
To access, press the red button on your fax machine or go to channel 1 on any Sinclair ZX81 and type in ‘Run’.
5.00pm Cubs ‘n’ Weeans
A collection of Tribulations TV children’s programmes that have shaped the lives of Tyrone’s youngsters over the years, including Captain Pugwashingbay, Bill and Benburb, Tom and J’Erigal, and countless others. Contains swearing.
6.00pm The Culture Show: A Guide in Gentleman’s Etiquette
Presented by Malachy Mullan, local lady’s man and owner of the Donaghmore slaughterhouse, this week’s episode in self-betterment teaches aspiring young gentleman how to cough up balls of phlegm into your bare hand and then discretely wipe it on your trousers, and a valuable lesson in showing impressive restraint to a lady in a fancy Dungannon restaurant by not punching the waiter in the face when presented with the bill.
6.30pm Tyrone-ly Fools and Horses
Diarmid-Boy and Eugene drive about in a Reliant Robin that’s got ‘Paris London and Pomeroy’ painted on the side, and then fall through the bar in Hagan’s in Dungannon.
7.00pm Wife Swamp
Two wives, probably from Cabragh, dive face-down into a bog and get rescued by their husbands both of whom are in the advanced stages of inebriation, who then have a heated argument about which wife is which.
7.30pm James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Moy
Yer man gets lucky yet again with a nice piece from the Moy after a session in Tomney’s, and then gets to take her home in a fancy white sports car. Underwater.
9.45pm Tyrone in the 20s: A Step Back in Time
A fascinating insight into what it was like living in County Tyrone in the 1920s with no electricity, fresh running water, or modern vehicles, by using footage filmed in Stewartstown last week.
10.15pm Silage Witness
Drama about an Aughnacloy farmer who witnesses a bale of hay being stolen to order by an East European hay stealing ring, who is then drawn into the deadly underworld of black market hay espionage, armed with nothing but a big piece of blue rope.
11.00pm Mastermind
Hosted by local smart arse and Mensa-botherer John Quinlan from Mountfield, tonight’s four contestants face questions on their specialist subjects, ‘Tyrone’s Coastline’, ‘Fuel Siphoning’, ‘Tayto Salt ‘n’ Vinegar Crisps’ and ‘History of the Tarmac Rake’.
11.30pm Ardboe Selecta
A man in an odd-looking mask wanders round Ardboe near the Battery Harbour shouting “ghost oh biys” to strangers.
Brackaville Massage Parlour Closes After One Day. Nobody Knew How To Do It.
Not as easy as first thought
By Gombeen
The new Brackaville massage parlour has permanently closed after one day’s business following the hospitalisation of all five customers yesterday. The range of injuries included broken jaw, fractured cheekbone, grade two burns and psychological damage. The owner, Mattie Campbell, admits the ambitious project probably needed a bit more thought put into it but praised the efforts of the local masseurs who gave up their time to try massaging a range of body parts on strangers:
“It didn’t really cross my mind that you’d need training for this type of thing. Surely, I thought, it was just a case of rubbing the person where they wanted with a grading system of 1-5, with 5 being roughly. Some of the lads doing the massage would be a bit heavy-handed normally around here and when Mrs Morgan said she wanted a grade 5 face massage, Tony the Rebel gave her a few digs to soften the face up a bit. Being a pensioner, Morgan’s bones were a bit brittle and the doctor says she’ll be off the drinking through straw in five weeks or so.”
Campbell knew he needed to close the venture after just six hours trading when the screams coming from Room 2, the hot stones treatment, set off the alarm system.
“Wee Jane Lyons was looking after the hot stones. She just grabbed a few boulders from the quarry, stuck them in the microwave for 20 minutes and using a pair of tongs loaded them on top of Fr Hughes’ back. I’ve never heard a priest curse before. He was ‘damn it to hell this’ and ‘holy mother of Jaysus that’. Dr King says the scars might be permanent so we’ll pray for him, definitely.”
The Brackaville Massage Parlour will have one more fight on their hands as Tessie O’Neill (66) from Clonoe is suing them for psychological damage after asking for a Swedish Oil Massage. She lay in the dark with a towel around her, opened her eyes only to be met with Kevin Earley dressed as one of the boys from Abba squirting a canister of Esso Lawnmower Oil at her, singing Waterloo.
Derrytresk Drama Group Announce ’50 Shades’ Production. Clergy Monitor.
Derrytresk 50 Shades
The world famous Derrytresk Drama Group have shocked the local community and beyond by releasing plans to run with their interpretation of ’50 Shades Of Grey’ on stage in the clubrooms during December 2013. The controversial best-selling novel by E L James has so far been snubbed by other acting societies in the county having been dubbed too risqué and downright filthy for the county’s theatre-goers to deal with. However, new Derrytresk artistic director Johnny McGarrell from Maghery reckons the Hill is ready to embrace the darker side of romancing.
“Derrytresk has always been to the forefront when it comes to breaking down boundaries. Whiskey, coal doubles, diffing, dungarees, dirty diesel and armalites were all reportedly invented somewhere between Tamnamore and Annaghmore School, according to oul wives tales from women long dead. Why not push the boundaries when it comes to the groping and tackling females on the stage? I haven’t read the book in full but from the snippets I did set eyes on, they’ve been at that carry-on for years around here.”
Auditions for the lead role of Christian Grey have so far been fruitless with none of the 195 local hopefuls really understanding what the part entailed:
“Lads were turning up with bailer twine and saying things like ‘right ye blade ye’ or ‘would ye be into the batin at all?’ with a cudgel in hand. It’s all a bit too local. One man, a middle-aged joiner, was told to improvise a romantic scene. He stuck on ‘Lady In Red’, handed the actress a plate of potato waffles, beans and sausages and told her he’d load the dishwasher after she’s finished and for her to take it easy. We need to work on what counts as a romantic encounter around here. It’s more the accent than anything. A young footballer from here, Ronald O’Neill, looked the part and worked the women brilliantly with his winks and cheeky smile. It was when he opened his mouth that things fell apart. ‘Jaysus that’s deadly, girl, keep her lit’ just doesn’t sound right during the intimate scenes.”
The Clonoe Parish clergy have issued a statement claiming they have reservations about the explicit bits they read during a retreat last year but that they’d reserve judgement until they’d seen the first show from the front row VIP seats.
Pomeroy Village Council Launches Health Awareness Campaign About People’s Unmentionables
Pomeroy doctor raring to go
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Pomeroy Village Council today kicked off a health awareness campaign urging people to stop being embarrassed and to start some plain-talking about their unwhisperables.
“Let’s get to the point”, said Danny Devlin, chairperson of the PVC. “We need to adopt an adult and common sense approach when it comes to health. People in Pomeroy might not like our blunt approach in discussing people’s arses and the like but we’re tackling it head-on. Definitely”.
Asked whether the campaign related specifically to any of the common health threats to adults such as piles or varicose veins, Devlin retorted,
“We can do without the potty-mouth thank you. There’s no place for smut in this campaign. Just honest, clear, unambiguous language about people’s bottom halves. People from the Rock are mad into talking about this stuff”.
However, some of the Council members are privately squeamish about the campaign. One who asked not to be named admitted:
“It’s tara. I mentioned it to someone at mass in Altmore on Sunday and he told me about a problem he’s got with his yoke. Jaysus, I nearly brought the breakfast up all over my trousers. I still feel the bad taste coming on just thinking about it. Does he expect me to be interested just because I’m a doctor?”
Launched with the slogan, ‘Is Everything Quare Down There?’ the campaign says that if people have any problems with their etceteras they should be open and talk to someone, as long as it isn’t anyone in the Council.
“There’s no point skirting round the issue. If someone has a problem with that there stuff down there, we need to discuss it graphically and openly. It’s the only way”, said Devlin, before hurrying off and vomiting into a ditch.
100’000 Views Competition
To celebrate surpassing the 100’000 view milestone, Tyrone Tribulations is giving away a copy of ‘Flann O’Brien – The Various lives of Keats and Chapman and The Brother’. Flann O’Brien is the pseudonym of Brian O’Nolan (5 October 1911 – 1 April 1966), one of Ireland’s greatest novelists and satirists, from Strabane.
To win the prize, answer the following question:
The image below is the distorted photo of a famous Tyrone celebrity. What age is he?
a) 29
b) 63
c) 101
Answers can be left on the twitter account, facebook page or just below this article. We’ll put them in a big box and pull out the winner at 5pm tomorrow.
WINNER: JIMMY RAFFERTY, LOUGHGALL
Moy Accordion Player Admits To Being Way Out Of His Depth During Session With Eglish Band
Sharkey, before the Polka
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
An inexperienced session musician has admitted to being way out his comfort zone during a session at Tomney’s in the Moy on Monday night. Noel Sharkey, 78, of Gorestown Road had been touted as the best musician to come out of The Moy since Ryan Kelly after he won the tin whistle solo in P7 playing Roddy McCorley at the Dungannon Feis in 1941.
“It was cat” said Sharkey, still shaken by the experience. “It was all going fine to start with. The Eglish crowd let me play alongside them and we were doing Nancy Spain. Nice and easy on the fingers. And then the man on the fiddle decided to up it with Phil the Fluter’s Ball. To make it worse he started tearing away, getting faster and faster. Flip, like there wasn’t enough pressure with all the Moy regulars willing me on without the rest of those lads playing like the clappers and me trying to keep up. I think the fiddler must have smelt the fear off me, the oul Eglish bollocks. I was doing my best but by the time he started onto the Kerry Polka, I just shut my eyes and hoped everyone would think I was really into the session, but to be honest I was just praying it would stop and the sweat was blinding me anyway. At one point I thought my hands were going to fall off. Even the boy on the bodhran seemed to be doing okay, and you know what them lot are like.”
Fortunately, Sharkey had the presence of mind to create a diversion.
“I started throwing in the odd ‘yeooo!’ and ‘hup!’ at the top of my voice like I was mad into it. I saw Christy Moore do it once with the Dubliners on You Tube and thought it was class. Come to think of it, maybe Christy was struggling to keep up as well. He was certainly doing plenty of sweating”.
As the Polka finished, Noel pretended he’d consumed a bad pint, lifted his accordion, made his excuses and headed home. Looking back on the evening Sharkey commented, “Lucky escape. Jaysus, what a nightmare. The longest five minutes of my life. I’ll only be doing Roddy McCorley or Raglan Road from now on”.
Kerry Reveal Thatcher’s Part In 1986 All-Ireland Victory Over Tyrone.
Thatcher the Sam Snatcher
By Gombeen
A member of the great Kerry side which defeated Tyrone 2-15 to 1-10 in the 1986 All-Ireland Final has today revealed that Thatcher gave them ‘deadly tips’ on how to beat Art McRory’s men about a week before that infamous game. The anonymous charismatic Kingdom forward said the Iron Lady popped down to Killarney during intense training and called the squad together into a huddle for a pep talk to highlight a few weaknesses that proved crucial on the day.
“Micko had just finished the 36-lap drill and we were about to run up Carrauntoohil when a helicopter landed around the middle of the field and yer woman jumped off with a headscarf on her. She beckoned us to gather around her with a big curly crooked finger and bejaysus she’s the sort of girl you listened to. Even Micko took his cap off. She said something about a northern team never lifting Sam under her watch and rhymed off about a dozen tactics to try out on the day. The most memorable was to wind Kevin McCabe up about his moustache. When he took the penalty, half of our team were shouting things like ‘Charlie Chaplin’ or ‘Daley Thompson’ at him. I’m 100% sure that’s why he stuck it over.”
Our source also revealed they presented her with a used Kerry jersey and a clump of butter. He said her knowledge of Ulster football was impressive.
“She wasn’t behind the door about dishing out the dirt of boys like John Lynch or Plunkett Donaghy. Apparently they were massive Duran Duran fans at that time so we just rubbished their music during the game. People talk of McMenamin and those boys excelling at the trash-talking. We were at it back in the 80s, aided by Thatcher herself. She had us wired up about the rivalry between the Fianna and the O’Rahillys. We fairly wound up McClure and O’Hagan. It worked a dream.”
Thatcher stood down in November 1990 and within ten months Down won the All-Ireland.
Tyrone Celebrity Foursome Fail To Complete Charity Single. Donkey Sanctuary Deprived.
The difficult bit
By Gombeen
A recently opened donkey sanctuary in Donaghmore was reeling at the news this morning that the anticipated windfall from a charity single may not now happen after all. Local celebrities Malachi Cush, Lynette Fay, Conor Grimes and Janet Devlin were due to release a local version of ‘Making Your Mind Up’ by Bucks Fizz with the proceeds going to help the Donaghmore Donkey Sanctuary get off the ground. The stumbling block appears to concern the part of the song where the male members whip the long skirts off the female singers to reveal a shorter skirt. Artistic director Johnny Quinn explained:
“Cush and Grimes seem to have gotten together beforehand and worked out how to rip both skirts off in the one go to reveal just the tights the two girls were wearing underneath. The first time it happened we all fell about laughing. The girls thought it was a quare laugh. The second time we giggled again but after the 3rd, 4th and 5th takes it was just the two lads laughing. To be honest we were all a bit hacked off after the 10th time.”
Despite protestations to get the song and video finished and into the UK charts by the weekend, Grimes and Cush were still at their stunt on the 25th attempt to get past that part of the song.
“Whilst I admire their persistence, it was deadly annoying. They were giggling away to each other whilst Fay and Devlin were getting a right foundering. We called it a day on the 60th attempt. The Donkey Sanctuary won’t be getting their money for hay this week. We’ll maybe try a new song next week but after the punch Fay gave Grimes as they left the building, relationships might need to be rebuilt.”
The Donaghmore Donkey Sanctuary said that whilst they’re disappointed the single hasn’t made the charts, there’s no big rush as no one had brought a stray donkey in yet.
Man From Fintona Had Idea For Google in 1989
How Devlin may have looked in 1989
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A man from Fintona has confirmed that he had the idea for Google in 1989, some nine years before the website was created by Larry Page and Serge Brin in America. Micky Devlin, 54, an unemployed postman from Fintona, said,
“I initially got the idea from watching ‘Blake’s 7’ in the 80s where they had this big computer yoke that Blake spoke to and it would talk back. Class. I suppose the idea bounced around in my brain for a few years before I had a light bulb moment – wouldn’t it be deadly if you could build like this massive computer thing in real life and not just off the telly, that let you find out anything you wanted to know about anything in the whole world, and all you had to do was speak to it or put it into a machine or a robot or something, and then they would answer it in a lock of minutes. So when I heard the other day that someone had actually built my idea I couldn’t believe it. Here we are in 2013 and hey presto, it’s a reality. That should really have been me. I would probably have called it Google too. I’m pretty up on the technologies with all the bookfaces and the sex texts and calculators and what not, and I’ve been using a fax machine for years.”
Questioned on whether he could also have written the complex algorithm which incorporates the several thousand metrics which makes Google such a unique search engine, Devlin was dismissive.
“Search engine? Don’t try to catch me out. I’ve been around engines all my life. When Richard Branson invented the jumbo jet did he arse about with all the detail before he put it together? Did he bollocks. That’s not the way it works. He just stripped down a couple of Masseys and the like, flung it all back together a different way and got lucky. You show me the Google search engine crankshaft and I’ll take it apart in a blink”.
Devlin is also watching closely to see if anyone produces a fully-functioning time machine after having watched several episodes of Doctor Who and developing his own ideas which he says would operate based on “dimensions and time warps and stuff”.
Kildress Woman Told To Leave The Area For Using Big Words. “That’ll Learn Her”.
McNally stood out
By Gombeen
A returning Kildress student was banished from the mid-Ulster townland after using a succession of big words over two nights during Easter celebrations in the Kildress Inn. Gretta McNally has spoken of her disillusionment at having been rejected by her people despite achieving a 2:2 in her Arts Photography degree at the University of Ulster in Coleraine.
“Typical Kildress. As soon as you step outside the norm you’re there to be shot at. When I did well in my A Levels I had hordes of well-wishers back-slapping me off to university. The local club even ran a fundraiser. Deep down I suspected they thought I’d come back with my tail between my legs, drunk out and expelled from the University within a month. Well, I stuck at it, got my degree and now I’m homeless because of it. As soon as I got off the bus last week I was met with a torrent of sly digs. I asked for a pint of lager and the barman said under his breath ‘I’m surprised it’s not a Martini on the rocks’ and gave me a dirty look. That was the start of it.”
A different story emerged when we spoke to local boiler servicer Lionel McClean.
“That blade got what she deserved. She swanned into the Arms with her fancy thoughts and degrees and all that. When I heard her say she liked the ‘interior design’ of the pub, well, that was enough for me. What’s wrong with the word ‘inside’? The next night she said ‘when is the Tones’ initial match?’. Initial? Initial? Spit the buckin marbles out girl. We’re not impressed. So we went down to her da’s house and told him she must leave or we’d burn them out. He agreed and said he himself couldn’t stick her saying the dinner was ‘splendid’. That’ll learn her and any other youngster who has fancy-dan thoughts of education.”
Gretta is currently wandering the hills around Pomeroy and has vowed to work on toning down her vocabulary so she can return for Christmas.
‘Benefit Fraud’ Irish Team For Commonwealth Games Come Almost Entirely From Drumquin
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Tyrone stepped onto the international sports stage yesterday as the Northern Ireland Commonwealth Games Council (NICGC) announced that its team for the newly created ‘Benefit Fraud’ sport at the 2014 Commonwealth Games comes almost exclusively from Drumquin.
Drumquin, in practise.
“It’s amazing”, said Roland Quinn of the NICGC, “we scoured the whole of Northern Ireland for the very best to compete on the world stage, and by a remarkable coincidence we found them all in Drumquin. We have to hand it to them – they’ve got some of the best chancers in the world”.
Benefit Fraud will be new to the 2014 Commonwealth Games to be held in Glasgow next year, starting in July. It has has enjoyed increasing popularity across much of Europe with many hundreds of thousands of amateurs taking up the event, and has now been recognised as an official sport.
Frank Cassidy, an unemployed painter from ‘somewhere near the Dooish mountain’ has been selected for the demanding ‘Doing the Double’ pentathlon event which centres on five discrete disciplines completed over a 3 day period, combining signing on at the Social, going for a job interview and failing, working at a chicken factory, clearing glasses in a bar, and helping to lamb sheep.
“The training’s been exhausting” said Cassidy, “but I’ve been preparing for this for two years and I’m nearly ready. And if anyone asks, you haven’t seen me”.
The gruelling ‘Form Filling’ hurdle event is likely to draw some stiff competition but Martina McCluskey, an unemployed shop assistant of Claragh Road, is ready for it.
“I’ve filled out some of the hardest forms in the whole of the DHS. Have you seen the Benefits for Occupational Diseases form? Jaysus, it’s a belter. It would make your eyes water. But I’m ready for it, even though we know the Jocks are going to be difficult to beat in front of a home crowd”.
“You could say I’ve been training for this event most of my adult life” said Kiernan Donnelly, an unemployed fork lift driver of Baronscourt Road. “Bring it on!” Donnelly has been selected to compete in the arduous marathon event, which is a 26 mile walk undertaken whilst pretending to have a limp.
Tyrone Tribulations 