Category Archives: GAA
Ardboe Man Sees Brian McGuigan’s Face In Pint Of Guinness. Some Sceptical.
Artist’s many attempts at recreating McGuigan’s face
With the news that the Old Cross of Ardboe is failing to pull in the tourist numbers it managed twenty years ago, the loughshore village received a potential boost when a local taxidermist, Larry Devlin, claimed late last night to a taxi driver standing outside the Battery Bar that he saw the face of Brian McGuigan in a pint of stout he bought shortly after midnight.
Devlin, who had just sobered up before offering an interview this morning, says his only regret is that no one else was in the bar drinking at the time whilst the barman was too busy counting the money he found down the sides of the seats.
“I couldn’t believe it boyso. I was having one for the road before I headed back to face herself and intended taking my time over it. I looked down at my…
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Harte Adopts Fresh Tactics In 2016
By Landan Seamy.
Mickey Harte – New Tactics
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that Mickey Harte is adopting a new tactic to frighten ‘southern teams’. The cunning plan dawned on him after reading the names of the Tyrone team that beat Derry in the final of the McKenna Cup.
“Usually,” explained McGrinny, “since I am a freelance spy and don’t get paid very much I can’t afford to buy a program going into the matches.
On Saturday evening I dressed up as a Senior Citizen in order to get into the match in Armagh at a reduced rate. My disguise worked well and the young man beside me seemed to take pity on my age for at half time he bought me a cup of tea and let me borrow his program. I nearly killed myself laughing when I saw the name sheet that Mickey Harte had handed in.
He called one of the Tyrone players Hugh Pat! Whilst those kind of double barrelled Christian names might be common down south they just don’t happen here.
Then I spotted the name Henry Og and I nearly wet myself. We all know in Tyrone that a child with the same name as the father would just be called “Wee” Henry or whatever.
I asked about 5 or 6 people coming out of the match if they agreed with me that Mickey was trying a new tactic and they nearly all did except for a few who were just trying to be awkward.
In order to prove to myself that I was correct I went home and fired off an email to the Queen’s Bench at the Royal Courts of Justice asking if anyone from the 6 counties had recently changed their name to Hugh Pat by deed poll. Needless to say I have had no response which more or less confirms my suspicions. I think this name changing tactic is a clever one coz the southerners will start to think we’re just as Irish up here as they are down there and then they’ll start to think we’re the match for them in all things Irish including football.”
There is a rumour that Kyle Coney has been told that he’s guaranteed a place on the team if he agrees to change his name to Cu Chulainn.
East Tyrone Man Claims £700 Mileage Expenses After First Week Training West Tyrone Club
£700 mileage a week
Tyrone GAA officials are to monitor payments made to club managers in the county after a West Tyrone club were forced to activate a weekly fundraising initiative to cover the travel costs of their manager from the east of the county.
The club in question, on the Donegal border, were asked to hand out £700 to their loughshore-based manager after he claimed for mileage for the first week of training. It transpires he travels in a 1988 Mini up the Glenshane Pass in second gear, adding 45 miles on to the normal journey as it gives him ‘time to think about tactics and stuff‘.
Club chairman Henry King is worried about funds for the coming year:
It’s a costly business. We went with someone from the east as we wanted an injection of their exotic ways. So far he just makes them run around the field 25 times, a lock of press-ups and then fist-passing drills for 10 mins. I’m sure he’ll do something brilliant soon. But is there any need to drive in second gear up the mountain?”
In order to fund the mileage, the club is running a new lotto where you pick 10 numbers between 1-1000 and if you get all 10 you win the jackpot. There are no prizes for 3 numbers.
Meanwhile, there are confirmed reports that a club in mid-Tyrone have offered a house, 200 cattle and a local spinster to their new manager from Ballinderry.
Pierce Brosnan May Give Oration At Carrickmore Veteran Republican’s Funeral
Gerry Brosnan, shaken.
Rumours have been gathering pace this evening that Pierce Brosnan, who was snapped yesterday looking uncanningly like Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams whilst filming in London, may give an oration at the graveside of 105-year old veteran republican Harry ‘Sharp Eye’ Lincoln in Carrickmore tomorrow morning.
Brosnan, who has reportedly been obsessed with Adams ever since he heard the Belfast man sing ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’ on the radio last year, allegedly arrived in the Tyrone village this evening, telling the girl behind the counter in the Spar ‘I hadn’t gone away y’know’ after he immediately re-appeared in the shop to buy some semi-skimmed milk he’d previously forgotten to purchase alongside his corned beef, Tyrone Times and wheaten bread. He added that he liked his women as he liked his kiwi fruit – ‘rough around the edges’ – before pressing a pen top and exiting in a puff of smoke.
A family member of the deceased centenarian offered advice for the Drogheda-born actor:
It’d be deadly to have Brosnan give the oration in the style of James Bond and not Gerry Adams. Or maybe blends the two together. Maybe he could be pushed out of a Boeing Chinook by the Brits but he lands by a secret parachute in a tuxedo and shouts ‘tiocfaidh ar la’ and then winks at all the women and drinks a cocktail but then lights it and fires it at a passing patrol and then drives off in an Aston Martin. That’d be lethal. A great send off.”
Whether Brosnan is for Clones or not on Sunday for the McKenna Cup semi-final between Fermanagh and Tyrone is uncertain after a close friend revealed the world famous actor is not a fan of the competition.
New Tyrone Mascot Incites Derry Supporters. Riot Narrowly Averted.
Red Hand Man
The Tyrone County Board have assured Croke Park that their new mascot, Red Hand Man, won’t be appearing again this year after he goaded the rival Derry supporters with obscene hand gestures and verbals of a questionable nature.
The mascot, which is a large foam red hand placed over the head and body of a mystery person, ran onto the pitch with the team at the start and even took part in some of the warm up routines, much to the amusement of the children in the 5000-strong crowd at Owenbeg.
After Derry’s second goal in the first half, it was evident that the mascot was somewhat upset with the scoreline, as he folded in three of his massive foam fingers, leaving 2 large red fingers protruding in the air in front of the Derry support. Johnny Kearney from Knockloughrim explained:
“It was an obvious 2-fingered gesture at us, hi. I had to cover my wee lad’s eyes. Two boys from Swatragh were about to jump over the fence to give him a hiding, only he shouted that he was just letting us know Derry had scored 2 goals in case we couldn’t count. We didn’t know if that was an insult or not so we let it go.”
Later in the game, after Tyrone had taken the lead following a remarkable comeback, it appeared the mascot appeared to get carried away and, using his loudspeaker inside the costume, shouted over to the Derry support, ‘ha ha yiz inbred hoors‘, according to sources.
Ground security managed to pull Red Hand Man to safety as missiles such as blue rope, hammers, Mars bars, cans of Lilt, bales of hay, spanners and front wheels of wheelbarrows rained down from the stand as over 60 men tried to jump over the fence at the final whistle.
The Tyrone Board apologised for the mascot’s antics and added that he’d been drinking whiskey inside the costume as well.
Uproar After Hospital Management Asks Patients and Staff To Cheer Up A Bit
“You’ve a week to live”
Health watchdogs have castigated the new Mid-Tyrone Hospital management after the board advised patients in all wards to maybe ‘smile a bit more’, accusing staff and patients of making the institution a miserable place to walk through for visitors.
The Greencastle-based hospital, which opened in 2009, holds over 700 patients as well as 188 staff. The management also offered free make-up bags for nurses in order to brighten the place up a bit for visitors and inspectors.
Their 3000 word report detailed how patients looked ‘miserable and depressed, like as if the world was ending‘ and that they should ‘maybe lighten up a bit‘. It also went on to state how nurses were sometimes ‘grumpy with awkward patients‘ and that ‘some female nurses wore little or no make-up whilst male nurses could probably slap on some foundation too‘. It also accused doctors of delivering ‘bad news with a frown‘ and advised them to dress it up a bit with the positives about ‘having had a good life so far‘ and winking.
Health watchdogs MediLook fumed:
“This is a disgraceful report. It’s like they want to be the McDonald’s of the medical world. Our sources tell us they chastised a man who’d arrived in A&E with a 6-inch nail in his hand for ‘crying like a wee girl‘ and shouted at a male patient who had been diagnosed with severe piles for ‘getting on like a dick‘. It’s unacceptable.”
Mid-Tyrone Hospital CEO Dermot Devlin hit back at the watchdog’s analysis by reminding the public that ‘millions of years ago there were no humans‘ and that ‘people are moaners, especially the sick ones‘.
Devlin also revealed they’re commencing their Hospital Radio next week, which will be pumped into all wards. Opening tracks include ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’, ‘Staying Alive’ and ‘The Final Countdown’.
Swans On Anti-Depressants After Viewing Episodes Of EastEnders Through Flooded Derrytresk Man’s Window
A leading swan psychologist at the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) has confirmed he had to prescribe anti-depressants to a flock of swans who watched thirty-three episodes of EastEnders through the window of a house which had unfortunately witnessed high levels of flooding around it.
The swans, which were displaying heightened levels of agitated and violent behaviour towards their immediate families after viewing the programme, were said to be addicted to the goings-on in and around Albert Square and began impatiently pecking at the Derrytresk man’s window from sunrise, forcing Mr Quinn to stick on pre-recorded episodes of the English soap opera.
Professor Gilbery Mollyed explained:
“Because of the high levels of flooding, the swans were able to comfortably view what Dot Cotton and Phil Mitchell were up to on the fictional London community, through Mr Quinn’s good room window. However, the pessimisitc plotlines appear to have had a detrimental effect on the birds, causing them to become irrationally short-tempered with each other and develop unusual addictions to alcohol. I’ve had to prescribe over 500 doses of Prozac to just 200 Lough Neagh swans.
Mr Quinn, who was acutely aware of the Swans’ affection for the popular BBC show, revealed he attempted to wean them off the programme:
“They were fighting and slapping and flapping at each other to get a better view through my window and I couldn’t hear the damn show through their crying and squawking. I turned over to Mrs Brown’s Boys and they went clean mad pecking at my window to the point that I thought the house was going to come down around me. I had to return to an old recorded episode of EastEnders with Dirty Den in it to calm them down.
Mr Quinn also revealed they liked watching Emmerdale, the 7 O’Clock News on Channel 4 and The Angelus on RTE.
Tyrone Abstract Artist Tipped To Win Big Awards In 2016
An Omagh artist, whose style has been described a ‘surreal or abstract or something like that’ by a local secondary school art teacher, has been tipped by family and friends to bring major honours to the county next year after he released a taster of some of his current work.
Titled ‘Major Moments In Tyrone’s Recent History’, Paul Montague painted Dennis Taylor’s 1985 World Snooker Championship win, Kevin McCabe’s penalty point in 1986 and Tom McDermott’s famous red shorts scene in Big Brother in 2000.
Local art teacher and hippy Miss Kelly Donnelly gave a detailed commentary on each picture:
Here, you can see the nervous smile from the Coalisland potter as he maybe is unsure of the overall score as he’s possibly not good at adding up. He’s holding the cue above his head to try and influence the judges. The small table symbolises how he dominated the sport at that time. Taylor is also floating on air and that is self-explanatory. The spelling of Dennis’ surname represents something too.
Here, you can see the blue sky symbolising Tyrone’s high hopes that day. You can also witness the Kerry goalkeeper doing some kind of war dance, maybe an indication of the tribal lifestyle in Kerry in the 1980s. Finally, you can see that McCabe has one leg a bit longer than the other, reflecting the power he put into the shot, making it sky over the bar, and we can see that he wasn’t happy. The absence of his moustache is a surprise, maybe showing how Tyrone were playing as a team, not as individuals.
This form of erotic art is self-explanatory. Tom’s facial expression reflects his state of ecstasy. Not much more to be said about that, to be honest. His Greencastle tan is unerringly accurate.
Framed copies of Montague’s artistry can be purchased for £49.99.
Coalisland Man Angered At Northern Ireland Soccer Scarf Christmas Present From Wife
Seen on Gumtree today from Coalisland address
A Coalisland stove-fitter is said to be still in an agitated state after he received a Northern Ireland soccer scarf from his long-standing wife, with the Derry-native maintaining it was an innocent error.
Terence McNeill, who has a season ticket at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin and was mascot for the Republic of Ireland v Malta in 1988, had to leave his watering establishment last night well before throwing out time due to relentless slagging and continuous playing of ‘God Save The Queen’ by the pub’s resident DJ.
Still seething, the multi-lingual handyman fumed:
“How did you think I’d react? She even got it signed by the NI squad and it also had a personal message from Kyle Lafferty. Imagine how a Moygashel True Blues Flute Band member would react if he woke up to a Carrickmore GAA jersey as his main present. He’d be as ripping as I am.”
Close friend and drinking partner Noel Devlin admitted it was the best Christmas night ever in O’Neill’s pub in the town:
“When word got out that Mrs McNeill had made the fatal error, we decorated the pub with pictures of Billy Bingham and kept chanting ‘Stand Up For The Ulster Men’ every time he stood up to go to the bar or toilet. We’d like to thank Mrs McNeill for a wonderful Christmas.”
Meanwhile, local photographer Olly Kerr has issued an appeal for unwanted boxer shorts as he didn’t get the amount he’d expected and had thrown hundreds of old ones out last week in preparation for a new batch.
Police Called To Tyrone GAA Senior Squad Secret Santa Get Together
McCann not impressed with quality
Tyrone County spokesperson Mary Fitzgerald admitted ‘we’ll not be doing that again‘ after the senior squad’s Secret Santa ended in bitter acrimony and fist-fighting.
The new county bonding initiative, which sees a player secretly pick a team mate’s name out of a hat at the end of November and then anonymously buy a present for them, is a staple festive gesture in offices and businesses across the planet.
Fitzgerald explained how the event began in bad taste at the county’s centre of excellence in Garvaghey:
“First out of the hat has Tiernan McCann’s present. Someone had bought him a pair of hair straighteners and a mirror. McCann never smiled once when on stage to collect his and even muttered something about them being ‘them oul shite Boots ones anyway‘ under his breath. I could see Colm Cavanagh a bit more red-faced than usual in the crowd.”
Apparently, the worst reaction was Mark Bradley who received a ladder and a note which said ‘that is for when you’re washing the skirting boards‘.
“Bradley went clean mad when he saw Ronan O’Neill smirking and went over to him and battered the head off him with the ladder. Then when Sean Cavanagh got his present, a scuba-diving outfit, the place erupted with players loyal to the captain slapping away at some of the new-comers to the squad who were chief suspects.”
The Secret Santa session was then immediately halted after Mickey Harte received his present, a Nazi soldier fancy dress outfit. Fingers were pointed at some of the Ardboe players not in the squad any more, who had somehow managed to sneak the present into the bag via a current player’s cooperation.
Meanwhile, in some good news the initiative raised £300 for charity. This year’s chosen charity is The Midges Conservation Trust.
Rumours Rife Of Bad Boys From Carrickmore On Santa List
Rumours sweeping the county this morning suggest that Santa Claus is contemplating bypassing Carrickmore completely after a disgruntled elf leaked the bad list on his ElfLeak website.
If true, this is not the first time a Tyrone village has been affected by questionable behaviour. In 1964 Pomeroy was completely ignored by the Clauses after a wrecking session in the AOH Hall outside the Diamond when the Plunketts won the Junior Championship.
The disgruntled Elf, ‘Charlie’, leaked the list after he was told he wouldn’t be on the sleigh again on Christmas Eve – the 32nd consecutive year he’d have to sit it out. 39 names from Ireland were on the supposed naughty list; 31 from Carrickmore, 6 from Dublin and 2 from Keady. Charlie was clear as to why Carrickmore were badly hit:
“After they went out of the championship to Omagh early on we expected a small bit of messing but they…
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Coalisland’s Controversial Waste Digestion Plant To Be Fed Joe Brolly Articles
A ‘Brollyed’ field
Despite fears from local residents,the plant which will see slurry and silage used to generate electricity near Coalisland will be kick-started by over 300 tonnes of articles penned by Joe Brolly as well as transcriptions from his TV appearances before enough slurry can be collected.
The proposal will see a 500KW digester that will take 10,950 tonnes of silage and 1,450 tonnes of slurry a year. Local scientist Paddy Quinn maintains Joe’s words will have a similar effect as that produced by animal waste:
“We tested over 300 products but the one which shone brightest was Joe Brolly’s thoughts, even more so than Donald Trump’s, Katie Hopkins’ or David Cameron’s. It’s quite remarkable and another string to this incredible fellow’s bow. A 3-minute transcript of a Brolly speech produces the same electricity as 40 tonnes of slurry.”
The development at Ballynakelly will generate enough electricity to power 500 homes and help Northern Ireland meet its renewable energy targets.
The Concerned Residents Committee have urged local politicians to oppose the idea, especially now that the waft of the Dungiven man’s words will fill the air for the first few weeks. In a statement they added:
“The slurry and the silage is bad enough but Brolly’s thoughts are something we’re not prepared to digest, in more ways than one.”
Local farmers have long-admired the fertilising qualities of Brolly’s newspaper articles.
Meanwhile, the PSNI crime prevention team have reminded locals that the new source of electricity should not be used for generators powering outhouses for illegal poitin-making operations or the like.
Strabane Man Claims He Got A Bit Of Colour During Recent Mild Spell
Christmas In Tyrone?
With record December temperatures showing no sign of abating, Strabane Council have revealed plans to put on a free ‘Turkey on the Barbie in Strabane’ on Christmas Day, placing the West Tyrone town on a par with Bondi Beach and Kenya during the festive period.
In a further development, Strabane linguist Jonathan Hinney maintains he is a shade darker than he was a week ago, attributing the sudden tanning to the warmer climes experienced in the province during the last few weeks.
Hinney explained:
“There has definitely been a change in my appearance since last week. I’ve been doing a lot of outside loitering and gaunching about recently and I think the exposure has had an effect, making me the first Irishman to get a tan in Ireland, naturally, in winter since records began in Castlederg in 1855. Strabane is currently a mild outdoor sunbed.”
In a loosely related incident, Hinney’s shower has been banjaxed during the same period, casting serious doubts on his tanning claims.
Meanwhile, the Strabane open-air Christmas Day turkey barbecue has already sold 38 tickets, despite claims from locals that the council got a bit too excited the day the temperature hit 15 degrees Celsius.
Lord Mayor Linda Shelley has pleaded with locals to trust their judgement:
“We have it on good authority from Frank Mitchell that it’ll be in the mid-20s on Christmas Day. I urge Strabanonians to ditch their jumpers and coats and don their finest swimwear and put the Aussies to shame. Global warming is not all bad, is it.”
Hugo Duncan has yet to confirm rumours that he’ll be lighting the barbecue wearing only a pair of tight red trunks.
33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic
Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians
Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.
Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:
“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner…
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Drain Expert Says There’s Nothing Wrong With Harte’s Drains
Drainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.
Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:
“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”
Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:
“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on noelthedraindonnelly@draindrain.com
‘Left Immersion On’ Comment Inspires Quick McGregor Win
Aldo’s downfall
Following Conor McGregor’s 13-second demolition of Jose Aldo for the UFC Featherweight title in Las Vegas, a Pomeroy-born trainer from McGregor’s back-room entourage revealed his last words to his new champion inspired the speedy knock-out.
McGregor, who is notorious for saving energy around the house, was said to be ‘infuriated’ after John Kavanagh shouted ‘you left the immersion on, Conor’ just before both fighters were called to touch gloves.
Kavanagh, the 1986 Pomeroy Sports Day Boxing Runner-Up, admitted he had the comment in mind all week:
“I’ve lived with Conor so I know how mad he gets if you leave the light on in the toilet or boil the kettle twice. I’d planned the immersion situation all week and managed to slip it in just before he was called in by the ref. He turned to me and said ‘for fcuk sake…’ before being made to listen to the ref’s instructions. I’ve no doubt he finished it early because of that.”
Ringside spectators confirmed that McGregor made hand gestures to family members in the crowd to turn off the immersion, whilst he sat on top of the ropes in victory.
An immersion heater in America can cost up to 3 dollars an hour. With McGregor over two hours from his house, by the time he got showered and put his own clothes back on, he could have been over $20 out of pocket before opening his front door.
Kavanagh admitted he already has something up his sleeve for McGregor’s next fight. A close friend of the trainer maintains he will tell Conor that someone was eating in his good front room.
Reports confirmed that the immersion wasn’t left on at all.
Mid-Tyrone DUP Politician Warns Next Storm Might Be Gay
DUP Cartoonist’s impression of gay storm
Bernard McIlroy, the 66-year old DUP councillor from Galbally, has warned his voters to stay indoors when Storm Eric arrives next month, as God has told him that this weather phenomenon might be gay.
McIlroy, who famously campaigned against YMCA being played in Clubland in the 80s in case it made young men amorous towards their friends, maintains the storm might even be illegal due to Northern Ireland’s progressive laws.
The retired preacher added:
“It was only a matter of time. We’ve had gay cakes and TV presenters. I’ve even watched Brokeback Mountain a few times and I’m pretty sure there is a homosexual undercurrent in that. Now Mother Nature is weighing in with the latest trend. I’m urging all DUP voters to stay indoors during the storm.”
Galbally shopkeeper Paul Norman countered McIlroy’s claim by reminding the elements that his village is not a discriminatory community and is even looking forward to Storm Felix Hi, which scientists maintain is a Derry-born storm.
“Pastor McIlroy is acting the bollocks with his guff. I’ve never seen anywhere in the Bible about rejecting any violent disturbance in the atmosphere because of its sexuality. Sure didn’t it say: ‘The LORD hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up‘. If the Lord says storms are great, then it’s good enough for me, and I’m not even religious.”
Meanwhile, the Galbally Whist Drive has been cancelled this week.
Moy To Be Totally Run On Human Waste By 2020
The Moy, which is set to become the first area in the new Mid Ulster Council district to have access to natural gas as a fuel source early next year, have revealed plans to be completely self-sufficient on human waste within 5 years.
If deadlines are met, The Moy will join Fjikillippo in Iceland as the only hamlets on the planet run on excrement and wind, which economists reckon will bring millions of pounds to the area in tourism.
Moy Mayor Paul Montague is confident that the current projections are accurate:
“I am 100% committed to the 2020 project and I’m completely convinced we’ll have a fossil fuel free village before long. There’ll be no electricity poles or pylons as far as the eye can see or as far as Benburb even. We’ll link everything up to a big dungeon-type cage in the ground where people can dump their waste into or even do the business there and then over it. We’ll be using loads of Christmas tree car fresheners all over the place to disguise the smell.”
Neighbouring Eglish have reacted to the news with cynicism. Former Eglish GAA captain Mattie McGreenan growled:
“On one hand they’ve always been full of shite up in The Moy so they should have plenty of fuel for a century. But this is taking the piss. There’s no way them Moy ones will have the stomach for ferrying their excrement from their homes to that pit-type thing they’re storing it in. And how on earth are they going to transport their flatulence to the pit? It’s a farce.”
To the final question, Mayor Montague admitted their transporting of human wind has yet to be successfully solved but suggested it might simply be a case of using air-tight jam jars.
Derrytresk Folk Starting To Develop Scaly Complexion After Latest Deluge Of Rain
Derrytresk man in 10 years?
An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.
The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.
Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.
“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”
Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:
“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”
Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.
British Military Leaders Attempted To Recruit Carrickmore Accents During WWII
Carrickmore man gives inspiration talk to pensioners
Tensions are high in Carrickmore this morning after it emerged that British MPs will decide later today whether or not to bomb Syria, hinting at another recruitment drive in the greater Carrickmore area.
This news follows on from confirmation that British Military Officers attempted an extensive trawl of Carrickmore in 1939 as it was believed that the their accent was the most efficient tool available at that time in forcing the submission of war-time enemies.
Papers leaked to media outlets across the country indicate that over 300 Carrickmore men were prepositioned to by high ranked British War Officers with offers of unlimited jam, potatoes, corned beef, poitin and red diesel.
Explaining the effectiveness of the Carrickmore accent, Commander Johnny Bull in 1939 commented:
“Tests show that a Carrickmore man can mentally and physically disarm an opponent from within hearing a 100 metre range, whilst droning on about the weather, the price of cabbages or the wides that were hit during the local club’s last GAA game. The Carrickmore accent is effectively an environmental-friendly nuclear bomb.”
It is believed that only three Carrickmore men took up the offer, with all three receiving the Victoria Cross for forcing the surrender of 600 German soldiers outside Paris after they discussed, through strategically placed loud-speakers, a new road which was being built at the time to go to Pomeroy.
Local historian Denver Donnelly sounded a warning to youngsters in the village:
Don’t be surprised to see men in suits with English accents talking to anyone between the ages of 16-21 in the area now that the focus is on taking on ISIS and bombing Syria. My sources tell me that if the Carrickmore accent enters the battlefield, ISIS will reconsider their interpretation of the Day of Judgment
Meanwhile, the Carrickmore Residents’ Committee have reminded people that there is a lottery rollover this week for £40’000. Last week’s numbers were 1, 55, 77 and 122. Betty Gormley won £5 for getting 3 numbers last week.
Tyrone Tribulations 