Category Archives: GAA
Process To Defrost Cryogenically Frozen Joe McMahon Begins After Impressive Donaghy Performance
Artist’s impression of McMahon defrosting
Despite attempts to prevent media hearing about the decision, we can categorically confirm that the initial proceedings to thaw out Joe McMahon who was frozen in a state-of-the-art cubicle in Garvaghey the day after he announced his retirement have been activated despite Tyrone being two difficult fixtures away from meeting the Kingdom.
Scientists have warned Harte and his backroom team that it will take up to 6 weeks to thoroughly defrost the Omagh defender, just in time for the All-Ireland Final if Tyrone were fortunate to get that far.
The reason for the early move appears to be the reinvention of Kieran Donaghy as a towering beanpole of a full forward, as witnessed by his destructive display against Galway at the weekend.
An insider warned us:
“Don’t be writing a story about this. McGeeney will be using it as an example of Tyrone getting ahead of themselves again. We’re only doing this in case we meet Kerry in the final, and it takes that long as McMahon timbers well over the winter.”
Specialists have also briefed Harte on other obstacles to overcome when McMahon is fully thawed, such as informing him on changes in world politics as well as what’s been happening in Emmerdale, of which McMahon is fanatical about.
“When Joe hears that Frank has slept with Charity behind Megan’s back he’ll go clean mad. Then there’s the whole stuff about the Tories and the DUP. It’ll take a good psychiatrist to get his head ready for Croke.”
Experts maintain the defrosting process cannot be rushed, with one wit claiming ‘it’ll be some summer for Tyrone – win, lose or thaw.’
Pope Spotted Wearing Tyrone Jersey In Rome
Following on from the news that the Tyrone senior team regularly pray together before big games, it has emerged that the Supreme Pontiff is monitoring the situation and was spotted wearing a Tyrone jersey with ‘McCarron’ on the back of it.
Sources from inside the Vatican revealed that the Bishop of Rome now considers the Tyrone county team’s run as the greatest thing to happen to religion in Ireland since Pope John Paul II downed a gin and tonic in Cagney’s Bar in Drogheda during his 1979 visit.
Pope Francis’ closest Irish friend, Monsignor McCrory from Dungannon, added:
“He’s Tyrone mad, ever since he heard about the rosary craic. He even hates Armagh now which is a bit problematic seeing that’s the seat of the Primate of All Ireland. Francis has been watching videos of old matches and says his favourite players are Ricey McMenamin and Harry McClure.”
Meanwhile, it has emerged that some fringe Tyrone players are now going to Mass up to 3 times a day in between training in order to force their way onto the starting 15. Sources also claim that Darren McCurry has been saying ‘Amen’ louder than anyone else in recent weeks, hoping for a quarter-final start.
Finally, Ardboe have denied allegations that Kyle Coney was removed from the panel last year for failing to know the Third Glorious Mystery – The Descent of the Holy Spirit. There were claims that Coney thought the 3rd mystery was Hub Hughes’ point in the All Ireland final of 2008.
£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
Aghaloo Man Suffers From Acute ‘Tea And Sandwiches From Boot’ Addiction
Aghaloo native Enda “Micko” MacNish was admitted into an as yet unnamed Sixmilecross Mental rehabilitation and Reprogramming Centre (138 Main Street, Sixmilecross) to treat a newly diagnosed condition that threatens to decimate Tyrone’s travelling support for centuries to come.
According to eyewitnesses, Enda has taken to drinking tea and eating piles of sandwiches, and the driest buns ever consumed, up to 39 times daily from the boot of his car.
Enda’s condition, named ‘taeinbooticitis’ by Queen’s University boffins, appears to have rapidly worsened during the last three Championships as he avidly followed Tyrone at all levels. His distraught wife, Edna, revealed how Enda went from
“…..doing what we all do – eating 16 or 17 rounds of egg and onion sandwiches and drinking 13 or 14 cups of tea during the course of a normal 17 hour round trip from Aghaloo to Clones to stealing up to 1000 eggs at a time in the days leading up to Tyrone games from his Uncle’s egg farm to fill around 35 loaves worth of sandwiches and installing a 90 litre tea boiler into the back of his family’s Citroen Picasso”.
The condition appears to have taken over Enda’s life to the point where last sunday he couldn’t even sit through his family’s annual trip to Mahon’s Hotel “for that there carvery” (previously the unmatched highlight of Enda and family’s entire year) without sneaking out to the car to swill back pints of black tae and devouring sandwiches and Paris Buns that would shatter a normal man’s molars.
Enda’s wife hopes that in highlighting this condition, other families won’t be torn apart as hers has. Edna made this passionate statement last night on Q 101:
“I know there are plenty of other men and even some weeman and young’uns out there suffering from this same illness. Don’t suffer in silence. If we’d acted sooner we might have been able to save Enda. If you start noticing eggs going missing or if someone in your family starts planting onions all over your land and stock piling white bread in the days before a game or is spending hours on the internet searching for industrial sized tea boilers, don’t hesitate. Do something…look for help and most of all NEVER lend a hand and start buttering bread of shelling eggs…the only solution is to face the hard, cold truth and get that person the treatment they need.”
Enda is currently unavailable for comment.
Mahon’s Hotel is currently offering an egg and onion free ‘Carvery-Cure’ lunchtime-deal to those families who can prove they are affected by this disorder.
Amazement As Brackaville Man Doesn’t Post Photos Of Himself Riding A Bicycle
Gillis, this morning
A Brackaville man has caused outrage and suspicion after he cycled 50 miles today without taking photos of himself, asking for donations or putting his route on social media.
Paddy Gillis, whose father and grandfather used to cycle more than 100 miles a day doing errands and leisure activities, has come under fire from locals who maintain he must be up to no good and possibly indulging in some form of terrorism.
John Campbell (33) explained:
“Who in their right mind gets on a bicycle without a motive, whether it’s looking for adoration from social media friends or a few pounds for the local club? Like, sure, you could take the car. Gillis is up to something suspicious. He didn’t tell anyone nor take any photos. Who does that, like?”
Gillis, who rode the bike today in a pair of track suit bottoms and an Slane ACDC t-shirt, has also come under fire from leisure outlets who claim he’s probably breaking the law by not wearing tight riding gear, a helmet and goggles.
Gillis is expected to ride to Dungannon tomorrow to get the Irish News, some ham and a tube of Deep Heat for his ma without acknowledging the journey on any platform.
McGinn’s Transfer To South Korea Almost Scuppered By ‘Are Ye For Clones?’ Mistranslation
Niall McGinn, who became the first Dungannon Swifts player to move to South Korea for footballing reasons, finally clinched his transfer despite a throw-away comment which was lost in translation, almost scuppering the lucrative move.
McGinn, who once scored 0-7 against Derrylaughan during a midge storm, asked the club chairman, who also acts as Lord Mayor of the city of Gwangju, if he was for Clones on the 16th in a thick Tyrone accent.
Thinking McGinn had attempted to speak a bit of Korean, Chairman Gung-Ho had to be restrained as interpreters attempted to explain to him that McGinn had, actually, spoken in English.
Language expert Martin Kelly explained:
“It’s normal for new signings to attempt some of the local language. However, when Niall asked ‘are ye for Clones’ it sounded like ‘aya fa konas’ which means ‘get the f**k out of my sight’. It took a while for Lord Mayor Hung-Ho to accept the reality of what happened.”
McGinn, who is expected to fly out to his new club in the near future, has also pledged not to make the same mistake as one of his advisors who travelled out to Gwangju to look at houses.
Carl Carabine from Aberdeen unfortunately took a wrong decision at a fork in the road and travelled deep into North Korean territory before being picked up by their officials and enrolled in the army. He was last seen parading at Kim Jong-un’s 33rd birthday celebrations.
Parents Stock Up On Day-Time Medicinal Wine As School Holidays Commence
Supermarkets and off-licenses across the county have confirmed a sharp spike in wine purchased by parents between the ages of 25 and 50 over the weekend.
Consumer experts immediately explained the phenomenon as nothing unusual, linking the annual trend at this time of the year to the start of school holidays, adding that vineyards in France and Chile intentionally increase their production rate for women at this time of the year from Tyrone, as well as in Derry, Fermanagh and Armagh. Additionally, a group of stay-at-home-fathers have formed a counselling group in Cookstown to counter the summer trauma.
One woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told us as she exited Tesco in Dungannon with over 30 bottles of savignon blanc:
“It’s completely medicinal. There’s only so many times you can tell them to stick on Frozen before you go a bit mad, like. A glass at 12pm eases the strain somewhat. By 4pm they can draw all over the walls for all I care or even notice.”
Businesses have also started to notice a rise in productivity as parents appear to be prepared to do any amount of over time, even free of charge. Many workers have also decided to forego their own transport and have taken to walking home from work, sometimes not returning until late evening after walking up to 15 miles.
Coalisland businessman Leo Keown added:
“It’s a pure lethal time of the year. Parents of young children are mad for the overtime and I’m paying them buck all. And they’re at the gates at 6am too. Long live the summer holidays.”
Meanwhile, a group of men in Brocagh have been arrested after trying to hack into the local primary school’s website and changing the calendar dates, creating a 31st July ‘Back to School’ deadline. One of the arrested claimed he was delighted to be caught and ‘hopefully jailed for a few weeks’.
DUP To Spend Money On BIGGER Boilers With MASSIVE Wood Pellets
Boiler heading up M1 to Dungannon
In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree.
Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.
Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:
“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”
Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.
Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.
“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”
stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.
In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.
Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.
We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;
20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims…
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Brolly (verb) – ‘To Make Wildly Inaccurate Assessments’ – New Entrant To Oxford English Dictionary
Following Joe Brolly’s assessment in April that Tyrone were ‘deteriorating very quickly‘ and that their ‘system is malfunctioning‘, wordsmiths have decided to add the verb ‘brolly’ to the dictionary to describe the act of ‘repeatedly saying something completely inaccurate to the point of hilarity‘.
Additionally, the word can also be used as a noun in some cases. An example given in the 2018 edition of the Oxford Dictionary was: ‘he’s just pulled a brolly‘ as in ‘he has just said something ridiculous that will be exposed as nonsensical in a short time span‘.
Brolly’s assessment that ‘they (Tyrone) don’t really know how to win games any more‘ was also a turning point for dictionary boffins across the water.
Walter Wordsworth confirmed:
“We’d been toying with adding brollyisms to the dictionary for a long time now but that interview in the RTE GAA podcast was the final nail, especially when he said ‘Tyrone are deteriorating very quickly and morale is deteriorating very quickly‘ and ‘They have the players but what they don’t have is any commitment to attack. That’s been coached out of them.’ We found the last one a real brolly.”
Tyrone, who have racked up an average of 23 points per game in the championship this year, have vowed to score even more in case others accuse them of not attacking enough.
In other news, friends of Brolly are worried that his imaginary friends are now posing as current Tyrone players after he claimed two of their players are now depressed playing for the county.
Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football
Canavan in club football in 1994
Despite being cheered on by the entire county during a magnificent run to the All Ireland Final, the threat to the county players is now placed at ‘critical’ as they prepare to head back to their clubs for league football.
As the multi-award winning squad from the 00s can testify, there appears to be a strong correlation between playing well for the county and getting the lining kicked out of you in club games, by the same boys who clapped and roared you on a week earlier.
An All-Star winning forward who wishes to remain anonymous, said from his Cookstown home:
“The feeling of elation when you scored a clinker in Croke Park would soon turn to dread when it dawned on you that some failed corner back from Ardboe is probably going to break you in two at the weekend for scoring it. I remember I nailed one such goal against Dublin, involving dummies, and spotted a boy from Kildress cheering and giving me the thumbs up in the Canal End. Then, in a millisecond, he did the throat-slicing movement and gave me the fingers.”
With Tyrone having so many 5-star performers throughout the year, the threat level has been raised from the normal ‘high’ to ‘critical’ with referees made aware of the need to be extra-vigilant over the next few weeks.
A Trillick sharpshooter who didn’t even get on for most of the year told us he’s ‘dunging the togs’ in anticipation of taking on Urney in a week’s time. Urney, who are famed for their particular distaste of Donegal, have promised to tone down the comeuppance for Tyrone heroes playing for Trillick, but refused to make promises.
UK Parliament To Move Base To Moygashel
Locals wait on convoy
A convoy of large lorries with English number plates seen heading towards Dungannon at 6am this morning has added fuel to the rumours that, after this week’s election outcome, the British supreme legislative body is to up roots from London and relocate in the sleepy Dungannon suburb of Moygashel.
The potential new minority government, with a heavy reliance on the co-operation of the DUP, will reportedly direct operations from the village famed for its linen industry and flute band. Early indications show that the former House of Commons will now be located in the Linen Green Retail Park, with The Lingerie Room a possibly buy-out target.
Moygashel Lord Mayor Billy ‘The Slayer’ McCrystal is excited about the prospect of the world’s cameras focused on the village which once boasted six different offensive graffiti messages at the same time:
“Deadly so it is. Teresa May will be made very welcome and I’ll give her a tour of the place. No one has failed to be impressed at the noises and laughs in the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church when the Loyal Sons of Ulster are practising, especially at this time of the year. And the rest of the politicians needn’t worry about them depraved things they do in private…we cater for all that too.”
Although Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has not ruled out opposing the new venue, he has asked that he is located in Coalisland until the next General Election, as he has a few ‘friends’ from there he can call on.
In a bid to create a new 21st century persona, the GAA have already moved on this issue and have asked May to throw the ball in at the start of the upcoming Tyrone/Donegal game, warning players not to mill her before she gets off the pitch. They will not be kissing her ring though.
Moygashel in Irish means ‘boot up the pontiff’s hole’.
Bushy Eyebrow Epidemic Threatens To Scupper Tyrone’s Title Defence
The current strain of Bushy Eyebrow Syndrome (BES) is proving difficult to contain in Tyrone, according medical experts, raising concerns about Tyrone’s upcoming Ulster semi-final against Donegal.
The 2017 version of the BES virus, which usually returns in anger every 25 years in the county, appears to be a particularly vicious towards young, fit male members of society with medical practitioners unable to halt the spread of it.
Because of their busy schedule, the Tyrone senior GAA side have been badly affected, as well as Omagh CBS. Rumours tonight maintain that Darren McCurry is currently unable to see out of his left eye, which he tends to use a lot during matches.
Pat McGarry, a water man for the squad, confirmed:
“I can’t see us winning. Both goalkeepers are almost blinded with the busy eyebrows now and they’re bad enough with full eyesight. Sean Cavanagh has only recently contacted the virus because he was training on his own but he’s in big trouble now. The BES is a balax.”
Conspiracy theorists maintain that the virus was brought into the county by a young Donegal supporter who popped into Sally’s in Omagh for a feed and purposely kept wiping his eyebrows on chairs and tables, spreading the disease like wildfire within hours.
The county squad have asked over 20 middlin club players to be on stand-by for next weekend in case BES wipes out the entire squad.
Two Finger Insult Back In Style As One Finger Phased Out
After a 2-year campaign to phase out the one-fingered gesture of displeasure, a Tyrone Tourism Board report has confirmed that the 2-fingered salute is now almost exclusively used in the county, especially by motorists or children in school buses.
The one finger, which wikipedia claims is “roughly equivalent in meaning to “fuck off,” “fuck you,” “shove it up your ass,” “up yours,” or “go fuck yourself…”, apparently dates back to Ancient Greece but was first used in Tyrone in 1986 when they defeated Derry and a supporter offered the sign to a Derry corner back at full time.
By the mid-90s, the two-fingered insult was almost completely extinct in the county and the ‘flipping the bird’ was commonly used in all aspects of daily life from farming to the court rooms.
Finger insult expert Harry Coyle (88) admitted he never thought he’d live to see the day the double fingers would come back into modern usage:
“I’ve a tear in my eye reading this report. I can remember a pile of us from Omagh giving Ronald Reagan the fingers in 1984 in a pub in Tipperary. Never did we think that within 10 years it would be completely phased out for the more American middle finger. I never accepted it but can confirm I’ll be giving everyone I don’t like the fingers tomorrow, starting at Mass.”
PSNI officials have warned drivers that people giving other motorists the fingers will be fined as it suggests you’ve only one hand on the wheel. The middle finger can still be used if the hand still is still touching the steering wheel.
Meanwhile, a campaign to bring back the subtle lifting of one finger off the steering wheel in a friendly acknowledgement of oncoming motorists has stalled due to a lack of funding,
Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday
Derry practising for Sunday
Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack.
In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.
An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:
We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”
It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.
Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.
Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.
Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement
As Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.
McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:
“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”
The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.
“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”
Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.
Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.
Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks
Brackaville, at night.
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
Thousands Disappointed As Northern Lights In Derrylaughan Was Just A Moss Fire
Hundreds of aspiring astronomists from as far away as Iceland and Japan were left disappointed after several Twitter photos of an apparently crystal clear vision of the Aurora Borealis in East Tyrone turned out to be a false alarm.
The chance of seeing the incredible light show caused by collisions between electrically charged particles released from the sun that enter the earth’s atmosphere and collide with gases such as oxygen and nitrogen brought hordes of visitors to the area on Good Friday, only to be told it was simply one of the McAliskeys burning all the brackens up the moss.
Falls’ Bar, though, has reported record takings as over 1300 budding stargazers took refuge in the pub before getting a taxi back to Aldergrove Airport.
Local man and part time badger-catcher, Felix Hagan, said the mistake has caused untold damage to the roads around the lough:
“At one time I counted 766 people standing on the Ferry Road looking at the moss on fire, taking photos and stuff. Half of them were Asian and there were even ones from Donegal. When word filtered through that it wasn’t the Northern Lights at all but McAliskey up to no good again, they all marched down to Falls’ Bar for refreshments. I hope they weren’t looking cocktails or anything fancy. But they tramped the road into shite.”
Several hundred are reportedly staying another day in the area due to flight delays, with many looking forward to the Derrylaughan/Aghyaran game halfway up the country. Tyrone GAA officials were quick to announce that all Division 2 club games will see an entrance fee of £20 for this weekend alone and that the presence of 550 wealthy tourists was just a coincidence.
Derrytresk To Trial Viagra Supplement For Upcoming Season
Following the news that the Argentinian soccer side are to use a concoction of drugs including Viagra in order to counteract the high altitude in Bolivia, Derrytresk senior team are to trial using a similar product to help bring home the points from higher up places like Drumquin, Glenelly and Newtownstewart.
The innovative season-long diet, which also involves a no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend policy for 48 hours before game, is the first of its kind in Tyrone and is certain to prick a few eyebrows as the season progresses. Backroom trainer Harry ‘the buck’ Fitzgerald maintains it’s worth a go:
“If it’s good enough for Messi, it’s good enough for our boys. We need something that is going to raise performances and we think Viagra is the job. We’re hoping to reach heights we’ve never reached before and really stick it to the opposition, especially up in the mountains. We’ve tried it in training and I’ve seen lads do things I’ve never seen done before on a football field. We had balls flying all over the place. We’re trend-setters.”
Unfortunately, not all members of the backroom team are fully behind the initiatve. The new female physio, Katey O’Hanlon, admits she’s had her work cut out during friendlies already:
“This Viagra is playing havoc with the lads’ groins. I’m on the field every three minutes attending to them despite them being hardened athletes. Sometimes I’ve three on the go at the one time and no amount of rubbing seems to settle the issue. But the managers know best. They’re upstanding members of the community.”
Three long-married squad members have asked if the partner ban can be doubled, before AND after the match. Others claim to have side effects such as lack of sleep, with one prominent forward complaining that he’s up all night and another complaining about unusual stiffness for days after.
Derrytresk’s first opponents, Brackaville, are bracing themselves.
Tyrone Tribulations 