Category Archives: Omagh
Galbally Woman Celebrates Joining Gym With A Slap-Up Sausage Supper
A Galbally teacher has become the first Galballian to join a real gym after signing up to a special offer of £300 a year exclusive membership to the Cookstown Phoenix, and promptly celebrated her decision by treating herself to a Bumper Jumbo Sausage Supper at the mobile van on the road to Omagh.
Henrietta McGirr, a 32 year old teacher of Latin and Dance, took the momentous step after seeing a girl on the TV who ‘looked deadly‘ after joining a gym in America and lost three stone in two years and generally felt ‘awesome‘. After an extensive search, McGirr plumped for the Cookstown Phoenix Complex after its deal was splashed across the Tyrone Courier last week.
“My family said I was mad joining a gym but someone has to do it. They were saying these gym owners pump you full of steroids and make you lift stuff like furniture and bricks so that they can build extensions onto their premises. Well, there’s only one way to find out. People can be so suspicious around these parts.”
McGirr’s father, an ex-professional walker, maintains Henrietta has been hoodwinked:
“Codology. Everyone knows these gym people brainwash you by using magic mirrors that make you look heftier than you are and then when you’re bent over lifting something they run up behind you an inject horse adrenaline into you and then you’re hooked. We’re hoping she’ll wean off it somehow.”
Henrietta remains defiant and whilst wolfing down a sausage surprise in her Ford Focus on the hard shoulder she told us:
“I’m determined to show Galbally that these gyms are legit things. I’ve no interest in following the traditional fitness routine here of lifting dogs and running down the road. Sure even if I just use the showers there it’s £300 well spent in my book”
US Government Demand Words ‘Deadly’ and ‘Lethal’ Be Outlawed In Tyrone
En route to Strabane
White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
Massive Cloud Apologises For Downpours Over Tyrone
Roisin
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A gigantic rain cloud currently sitting over Tyrone has apologised unreservedly for dropping almost 4 million tons of rainwater on the region over the past week.
Roisin Devlin, a 3-mile long cumulonimbus cloud, who is currently moving slowly westwards over Omagh at 3,000 feet, made the apology after unexpectedly drenching thousands of unsuspecting residents on Wednesday, who appeared surprised that rain might fall in Tyrone in February.
“Ooh, I was affronted”, squeaked the enormous mass of condensed water vapour. “I thought if I could just make it over to Lough Neagh where I could do my business in comfort without bothering anyone I’d be fine, but I just couldn’t. I was bursting. I got as far as Dungannon before it all just gushed out over a six-hour period. It went all over the place. I’ve never been so embarrassed. Tara”.
The rain cloud confessed that it had not helped the situation.
“I’ve been to see a meteorologist, who was a lovely man, and he said I should cut down on the precipitation. Well, easy for him to say, but see, whenever I hover over sea water up by Donegal and all that lovely stuff starts to evaporate, I just can’t help myself stuffing myself. I’ve no willpower. And I do like coming over to Tyrone. I don’t know what it is about the county, but every time I’m there I just seem to get really full and bloated and before I know it I’ve just lost control. Maybe it’s an age thing, once you get to a certain time of life. I am two months old after all”.
The cloud went on to confide,
“I’ve also been very windy recently. I’m a slave to it. I think it might be hereditary because my grandfather used to be a grade one typhoon in the mid-west in Americay. That’s who I get it from. And I have a cousin over in the south of England at the moment, and he’s even worse. Just can’t keep it in”. The cloud went on, “And do you know, it doesn’t help having a fear for heights. You try looking down from 3,000 feet and see what it does to your waterworks”.
The cloud is currently in a relationship with a bank of fog near Drumquin.
1000s Who Flocked To Tattyreagh To See Northern Lights Leave Disappointed
Omagh at night, not the Northern Lights
A gathering of 5600 sky enthusiasts were left disappointed and angry after social media outlets wrongly reported a clear and permanent sighting of the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) on Saturday and Sunday nights in Tattyreagh. Locals have denied it was another ploy to raise funds for the football club.
Skygazers from as far afield as Russia and Taiwan converged on the small townland only to discover the lights were simply Omagh in the distance.
Japanese astronomy expert Jon Hi was particularly upset after flying to Ireland with 140 of his countrymen:
“Some shower. I read on Twitter that the North Pole’s Aurora Borealis were brilliant in Tattyreagh. After finding it on the map, we made a 15000 mile journey only to find out it’s just the new streetlights Omagh up the road. I’m mightily pissed off with Tattyreagh and I’m going to blacken its name in Japan forever more.”
Tattyreagh Tourism Director Killian Hanratty denies it was a devious ploy to boost tourism to the area:
“They’re scandalous accusations being bandied about by them Fintona ones. I can’t deny that we’ve made serious money from the crisps and mineral stall we happened to have on the side of the road beside the big field that people were congregating on. 5000 thirsty people afterall. The proceeds will go towards new toilet facilities at the football pitch.”
This is the second time Tattyreagh has featured in the international news for a mistaken phenomenon. In 1986, thousands again flocked to Tattyreagh to see Halley’s Comet which had reportedly fallen onto the football field. It was later proven to be a Superser gas heater with all bars on. The money taken from the crisps and mineral stall that year paid for the football club’s new stand.
Healy Park Scoreboard Man Hospitalised With RSI. Stable Now.
McCabe in happier times
Carlito McCabe, who works the scoreboard at Healy Park in Omagh, was described as ‘stable’ today after he was admitted late last night with Repetitive Strain Injury. McCabe, who was on duty during Tyrone’s 5-16 to 0-7 hammering of neighbours Armagh, began complaining on the way home of pains in his wrists and elbows before couping onto the pavement outside The Silver Berch with excruciating stiffness. According to Zappettini & Bradley – this type of injury would be defined as a workplace injury.
Healy Park gateman and close friend, Kieran McMahon, is adamant the Mickey Harte and his Tyrone side should issue a formal apology to his fellow clubman.
“I knew he was in trouble at half time. Tyrone had already racked up 2-10 by that stage and that’s some getting up and down in the cold weather for McCabe. I sent word into the Tyrone changing room at half time to tone it down a bit for McCabe but you know yourself, Mickey can be a headstrong fellow. We saw that when Tyrone scored another goal within 30 secs of the restart. It was a dagger through the heart of McCabe who had only managed to sit down after a boul of soup. I should’ve said nothing.”
McCabe maintains he will seek compensation from the Tyrone County board.
“The elbow is banjaxed. When Tyrone scored their 5th goal all I could shout was ‘Sweet Jaysus and The Holy Donkey’. Them there numbers are heavy. I’ll be expecting a couple of pounds from both county boards. “
Tyrone County Board issued a statement offering best wishes to McCabe for a speedy recovery but told him to count his lucky stars for all those wides in the first half.
‘Strictly’ Fever Has Taken Tyrone Men By Storm
Cabragh man dancing deadly
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The success of the the BBC’s recent series of Celebrity Come Dancing has kick-started a ballroom dancing revolution amongst men across the County.
Barny Patton, a farmer from Carnteel, admitted that the dancing bug had got a hold of him.
“I’ve always been forward thinking when it comes to technology. I see myself as a bit of a Fred Astaire and having no sense of rhythm whatsoever isn’t going to stop me. And neither is a club foot. Dancing’s class. There’s nothing I like more than slipping into my tailcoats and top hat after I’ve finished rounding up the cattle.”
Asked for his expert view to help make sense out of the phenomenon, Russian-born former top ballroom dancer Demitri Vladovic addedd,
“Them Tyrone boyos are mad hoors for the ballroom. It’s all high kicks and suchlike any time you see a group of men round Dungannon Square. They can’t get enough of it. Walk into Paddy Power in Scotch Street and it’s like Riverdance ”.
“They do the zumba in Killeeshil Community Centre every Monday night, and I reckoned they’d go wild for the ballroom”, admitted dance enthusiast Gareth McAvoy, a 42-year old mechanic from Cabragh . “So I walked straight in and grabbed this big redhead by the waist and leaned her backwards like in thon picters of returning American GIs, until her head was nearly on the floor. Classy? You’d think so, but she didn’t. And neither did the police. £300 fine and an injunction from going within 500 yards of the community centre for the next two years. Tara”.
Sources confirmed that many hen sheds across the County have secretly been converted into make-shift ballrooms.
“I didn’t think much of it to begin with”, said wife Sheila Cunningham. “Why shouldn’t my husband install a 3-foot wide glitterball hanging down from the roof? I just thought it was there to cheer them poor wee chickens up. But when I saw him execute a perfect cross-body lead with reverse turn whilst scooping three dead hens up off the floor, I started to have a few suspicions”.
Other men confirmed that they struggled to find an outlet for their passion.
“I went to Mantis Night Club in Omagh on Saturday”, explained 23-year old slaughterhouse worker Frankie Cush from Drumquin. “I thought it would be the perfect location to throw a few of my new ballroom moves, but it was a fiasco. You try doing the pasa doble to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by the Prodigy. I ended up having to switch to the rhumba. I was mortified”.
Meanwhile, the influence of reality television shows continues unabated following reports of a surge in menfolk banning wives from kitchens whilst they have a ‘mad try at the baking’.
Tanning Studio In Strabane Closed Down Following Customer Complaints
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A controversial retail outlet which opened in Strabane last week was temporarily closed by health officials on Monday pending an investigation into lack of safety practices and potential impropriety.
‘The Tan in Strabane’, a tanning studio in Urney Road, owned and operated by farmer Eamon Nugent, was investigated by trading standard officials from Omagh following numerous complaints.
Nugent defended his shop putting it down to what he called ‘teething troubles’.
“I’ve been in the tanning industry a long time”, he said. “Twice to Benidorm and a week in Bundoran last July during that boiling hot spell. Mighty. There’s not much I don’t know about getting a tan”.
Customers have accused the services of falling far below their expectations, including the ‘Super Deluxe All-Over Tanning Booth’, which consisted of Toner in a pair of dungarees holding two roller brushes and a bucket of what apparently looked suspiciously like creosote.
“Creosote? How dare you. Not in my establishment”, bristled Nugent. “I use nothing but the finest products. Anyway, if it was good enough for 200 yards of timber fence, it’s good enough for some of the wemin round these parts. Thon last coat went on in 2008 and it still looks like new. What are they complaining about?”
Other complaints relate to the ‘Nail & Beauty Bar’, consisting of a pair of pliers, a wire brush, and some sandpaper. Nugent was also accused of over-charging a generously-proportioned customer for a tanning session on account of her size.
“Aye, she was a big unit all right”, admitted Nugent. “I told her that because of the extra beef on her she’d get charged more so I slapped on an extra tenner. Materials aren’t free you know. Should have charged her per square foot. I’d have made a buckin’ fortune”.
Trading standards official Ronan Docherty, said,
“What are people playing at anyway, trying to get tan round these parts? It’s hardly Donaghmore is it? They’re not wise in Strabane. They’re trying to compete with all these Europeans types that have moved here when everyone knows that Strabane people can do two colours – tomato or snow. Half them ones that went to that shop would get burnt looking a picture of the moon. Eejits”.
The salon is closed until further notice.
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
Several Men Hospitalised After Holding In Bellies
Tyrone County, Craigavon and Erne hospitals have all reported a spike in male admissions since the new year with over 90% suffering from strained stomach muscles. 313 men were treated this morning within a few hours of going back to work, having over-indulged over the Christmas period.
Doctor Peter McGrath, an expert in pulled muscles, explained the phenomenon:
“It’s the same this time every year. Men head back to work almost a stone heavier than before Christmas and try to hold their bellies in for long periods of time, especially when standing up, walking or talking to women. After about two hours the stomach muscles go into spasm and you end up writhing on the floor with the real belly wobbling uncontrollably.”
Dr McGrath maintains £3m is spent treating ‘pulling in belly syndrome’ in January alone. He also highlighted other side effects from the trend:
“A lot of men try to squeeze into the same trousers or shirts instead of buying a bigger size for the month of January. Again, after an hour or two the clothes capitulate and buttons fly off like bullets. I treated 12 civil servants yesterday for bruises and facial injuries from buttons hurled across offices. Someone’s gonna lose an eye, for the love of God.”
McGrath has advised men who are too vain to buy a bigger size to only hold their bellies in for five minutes maximum at any one time, or to wear suck-in pants that can be pulled up to their chests.
One Mid-Ulster Mail journalist had to be air-rescued from his vehicle after getting stuck between the steering wheel and his seat in Pomeroy on his way to a story brewing in Carrickmore.
Rumours Rife Of Bad Boys From Carrickmore On Santa List
Rumours sweeping the county this morning suggest that Santa Claus is contemplating bypassing Carrickmore completely after a disgruntled elf leaked the bad list on his ElfLeak website.
If true, this is not the first time a Tyrone village has been affected by questionable behaviour. In 1964 Pomeroy was completely ignored by the Clauses after a wrecking session in the AOH Hall outside the Diamond when the Plunketts won the Junior Championship.
The disgruntled Elf, ‘Charlie’, leaked the list after he was told he wouldn’t be on the sleigh again on Christmas Eve – the 32nd consecutive year he’d have to sit it out. 39 names from Ireland were on the supposed naughty list; 31 from Carrickmore, 6 from Dublin and 2 from Keady. Charlie was clear as to why Carrickmore were badly hit:
“After they went out of the championship to Clonoe early on we expected a small bit of messing but they wrecked about for the guts of two weeks. Broken lamp posts, men falling into hedges and shouting at the children were the main offences. Of the 31 on the list, 24 are squad members, 6 uncles of players, and the parish priest. Mr Claus was rubbing his hands at the thought of not having to go up the Termon Road the year.”
Meanwhile, Ballygawley Roundabout spokesperson Sheila Bryans has reminded Santa of the need to adhere to road etiquette at all times:
“We’re sick of the Clauses leaving the roundabout in tatters every year. He just goes straight through the middle of it and leaves the bushes in s***e. One more time, and we’ll be waiting on him next year. And yes, that is a threat.”
North Pole PR secretary promised to be more careful this year but blamed Ardboe residents for leaving whiskey out for the reindeer every year.
Tattyreagh Man Ruins School Pantomime
Maleficent was some handlin
A Tattyreagh parent, attending his first ever pantomime in the Grand Opera House in Belfast, was kicked out shortly before the end after completely misreading the conventions of a panto.
Jackie O’Brien, attending the show as a volunteer parent for the local primary school, persistently heckled the actors and was prevented from firing an extinguisher onto the stage by a fast-acting security guard.
The performance of Sleeping Beauty had been receiving rave reviews before today’s incident and was keenly anticipated by the entire 400-strong audience. Neutral observer, Malachy Quinn from Beragh, explained what happened:
“At the start I just though he was really buying into the spirit of panto by shouting out things like ‘he’s behind you’ long before he was meant to. It wasn’t until he got a bit too vocal that I realised he was taking things a bit too far. When the Queen of Evil, Maleficent, arrived on stage he shouted ‘she’s f****** behind yis ye shower of useless b*******’. Teachers were covering pupils’ ears.”
Events took a turn for the worse when Maleficent attempted a bit of traditional banter with the audience. O’Brien, again misreading the comic element of the whole panto genre, reacted viciously after she told the crowd that Sleeping Beauty was not wakening up:
“Yes, that was when the penny dropped that this fella wasn’t getting the whole panto concept at all. When Maleficent said ‘oh no she’s not’, after three ‘oh yes she is’ O’Brien ran towards the stage shouting ‘are ye f****** blind’ before lifting the fire extinguisher above his head and asking her if she was calling him a liar.”
O’Brien was ushered from the building and put on a bus to Omagh. Tattyreagh principal Kieran O’Cabe bought the entire school a Mini-Crunchie each to make up for the interruption.
Mobile Phone Coverage ‘Isn’t What It Used To Be’ Complain Tyrone Residents
Better reception – goddammit.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A growing number of residents across Tyrone are making official complaints to mobile phone companies following the news that mobile phone coverage is steadily increasing and now covers 96% of the County.
“It’s tara”, grumbled 28 year old Ernest Johnson, an auto-pilot from Carrickmore. “My house was a blackspot for years. It was class. It gave me a great excuse not to call people back or to tell them I hadn’t picked up their voicemail. Now I’ve got no defence”.
Similar complaints have been made by other phone users, in particular about the former blackspot outside between Craigavon and Dungannon on the A4 which now has excellent coverage.
“It’s cat”, said Orla Milligan, a levitationist from Aughabrack. “I used to be able to time it nicely so that after five minutes on the phone to my ma I’d get cut off. Now I have to pretend and start shouting, ‘I’m going into a tunnel’. There’s no buckin’ tunnels there. The least them ‘uns at Vodafone can do is build one to help me out”.
Siobhan Fox, a panda trainer from Eglish, agreed.
“Round these parts we’re used to ending every call with ‘Hello?’ being yelled down the phone half a dozen times. This improved coverage isn’t good enough. I was on the phone to my brother for nearly an hour last night. Jaysus, that man talks shite. I ended up putting him on mute because a repeat of Lesser Spotted Ulster was coming on. Some handlin”.
One resident, Frank Cassidy, a part-time thief from Omagh, took matters into his own hands.
“Thon phone boys are cunning. They make these mobile phone masts to look like trees so you can’t notice them, but I’m wise to that. So I took a chainsaw to three of them up the Dooish Mountain. Huge feckers, about a 200 foot high. Turns out they were real trees after all. Come to think of it, they did look dead realistic”.
The Tyrone Society of Pub Quizmasters, which has 60,000 members, are staging a rally in Coalisland on Saturday to protest that people can now cheat at pub quizzes by sneakily Googling the answers under the table.
Councillors ‘Deadly Embarrassed’ As Council Debt Spirals To £20 Million
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Total council debt in Tyrone has spiralled to £19.8m, it has been revealed, with Omagh’s local authority accounting for £10.3m, and Dungannon & South Tyrone Borough’s standing at £5.2m. Magherafelt is the only local authority which is currently debt-free.
Commenting on Omagh’s £10.3m debt with only the flimsiest grasp of the scale of the problem, Councillor Enda McMann said,
“Over £10 million? Jaysus. That’s unbelievable isn’t it? Although to be honest it was a mighty night out”, he said sheepishly. “We were all in Tally’s and the hard stuff was flowing. I didn’t think we spent that much, but I suppose thon flaming sambuca yolks don’t pay for themselves, do they? £10 million. Eff me pink. We shouldn’t have ordered all them sandwiches. That can’t have helped”.
McMann spent all day Wednesday ‘doing his bit for the people’ to re-coup some of Omagh’s portion of the loss, by looking for spare change down the back of all the chairs and seats in the Council building, and investigating whether refunds can still be obtained at newsagents on empty bottles of pop.
In the event that these measures fail to recover the loss, Omagh Council last night called an emergency general meeting and produced a number of hare-brained, half-baked, ill-considered, knee-jerk solutions to be put into place from 1st December, including: –
• Parking charges for all cattle. Standing in any one part of a field – first 20 minutes free, then 50 pence for every hour, or part thereof. Discounts on Sundays and Bank Holidays.
• Auctioning off every Dungannon Swifts player. Reserve price £200 each, or £250 with extended warranty.
• Renting the Garvaghey Complex to Manchester United as a spare training ground.
• Controversial ‘Tayto Tax’. Charge of £100 on any member of the public eating crisps during daylight hours in an open space. £125 for grab bags.
• Privatising Hugo Duncan. Again.
• Sightseeing tours of the new Newell’s store in Coalisland.
In the meantime Omagh Council has ordered an investigation into how the debt could have spiralled out of control. It will be undertaken by an independent analyst, and is likely to cost £300,000.
Twerking, Or Arse-Dancing, Banned At Tyrone Dances
Moy man practising arse-dancing
A multi-denominational approach has seen all religious leaders denounce twerking from their pulpits this morning and warned that any youngsters or middle-aged boogie lovers caught arse-dancing after 8pm in discos and dance halls will be excommunicated from their respective churches.
Arse-dancing involves shaking your behind to all types of music, popularised by Americans such as Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus. Fr Simon Shields, the 55 year old PP of Cappagh Parish, highlighted the dangers of such dancing:
“Us priests and other faith leaders still like to head to the odd disco and enjoy the modern music and clap along. The last thing we need is seeing these dance floors filled with a mass of arses bouncing all over the place to Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel or the latest Bangles number. It’s putting us priests off and we’ll end up not going and getting grumpier. It has to stop so we’ve banned this type of dancing for the next two years everywhere in the country from the Glenavon to Sally’s. No more twerking in Tyrone”.
Pastor Daniel Simpson (61) from Fintona agreed:
“Let’s be honest here. Tyrone wouldn’t be a deadly place for arses. I’ve seen hefty men and women in tight leggings bouncing their backsides like as if they’re standing in a trailer on the back of a Massey motoring down a bumpy back road in Greencastle. It’s nauseous for us oul lads. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned waltz or jive?”
Already, one Church of Ireland service goer has been reported by her husband for arse-dancing whilst making the dinner in Aghyaran although she was simply verbally reprimanded by the furious vicar as she beat the 8pm watershed.
Churches as also looking into banning the ‘Rock-the-Boat’ rowing dance as well as Nathan Carter himself.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
Census Finds New Village Near Omagh, Undiscovered For 500 Years
Largybeg
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Results of the recently published 2011 census have produced some surprising results, including the finding of a previously undiscovered village just outside Omagh.
Largybeg, just two miles east of Omagh, is thought to have lain undiscovered since the dark ages until census takers happened upon the 200-strong village two years ago. Local man Ezekial O’Neill, a 54-year old wizard, was very philosophical.
“Yep, turns out we’ve spent the last five centuries worshipping Sperrin, god of the pollan fish and patron saint of the hot cross bun, when we should in fact have been worshipping this other god. Canavan I think his name is. We feel tara embarrassed.”
“We’ve come a long way you know”, said Barabas McGee, a local leper, in defence of the village. “The last time someone was hung drawn and quartered must have been months ago. They just get hung these days. I think it’s great news. All the menfolk I’ve spoken to are really happy and gay about it”.
Others however were concerned at the news that they were 500 years behind everyone else.
“Apparently we now have to stop burning witches, which is mighty craic altogether on a full moon”, complained Moses Donnelly, a latrine pit emptier. “Sure, where’s the harm in that? It’s political correctness gone mad. I remember someone in the village saying they tried to bring us into the modern world a wee while back with this fella who came in spouting all the stuff about the new century and all that. Can’t remember his name. St Patrick I think. We don’t hold with all that new-fangled dung”.
Others agreed.
“It’s tara. There’s a clatter of stuff I can’t do now. We’re told there’s laws against cousin-marryin, and you can’t drink until you’re a certain age”, said 7 year old chimney sweep Ezra Coyle. “And how am I supposed to sacrifice a goat on the altar every week if I’m not allowed a knife until I’m 18? Sperrin will go off his bap. Thou had better believe it”.
Since being discovered, many in Largybeg have wasted no time in catching up to the 21st century, with some unfortunate consequences. Last Monday, 26-year old Jebediah Connelly, a part-time minstrel, was given a £20 fine for ‘sexting’, the sending of obscene messages and pictures by mobile phone, after he was caught in Omagh tying rude drawings to an iPhone and hurling it at a female passerby.
Omagh Town Council have pledged to help integrate Largybeg into the local community, as soon as the local outbreak of bubonic plague has subsided. They will play a gaelic football game against Dregish next week.
Omagh Man Gets Wrong Flight Home. Ends Up In Omaha.
Seamie Corrigan, on plane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote aff. I fell into the taxi and just told yer man to take me to Omagh town centre”.
Asked how soon he realised he was in the wrong continent, an indignant Corrigan replied,
“Incontinent? Watch it ye boy. That was just a wee misunderstanding on the plane. I spilled a glass of water on my trousers, that’s all. Don’t you believe anything different. Anyways, the queues for the bogs on that plane was ridiculous. I was burstin’”.
Looking back, Corrigan realised something wasn’t quite right as soon as he arrived in Omaha in Nebraska.
“I suppose I should have twigged straightaway I wasn’t back in Ireland when it was September and the rain wasn’t throwin’ it down. And the taxi driver was speaking with this really funny accent, saying ‘howdy’ and ‘shucks’ and suchlike, but I just assumed he was from Killeeshil or some place like that”.
The hapless Corrigan only realised the extent of his problem when he went into a local bar to order a drink, and was greeted by a barmaid with a warm and friendly smile who provided prompt and efficient service.
“Ach, Omagh is alright, but some of them wemmin working in the bars have a face like a pishmire. That’s when I knew something had gone badly wrong. And they don’t even have bullfighting in Italy. Some handlin’”.
The incident follows a report just a few weeks ago of a man from the Washingbay area who ended up spending nearly a month in Washington DC before realising he was on the wrong continent over 3,000 miles off course.
New Tyrone Social Media Site ‘Slabber’ Fails To Reach Target Membership
Despite confident predictions that his social media rival to Twitter would reach four million members in the first week, Eskra computer guru Francey Taggart admitted the uptake of ‘Slabber’ was not as successful as he had imagined.
A week after its launch at a dinner dance in Kelly’s Inn, only three people had permanently signed up to the new service and were “slabbering” regularly – Taggart himself, his cousin in Kildress and a man from Plumbridge. Slabber is a simple social network where people share thoughts with a limit of two words set on all posts. It seems that these restrictions may have been slightly off-putting for potential users.
Kitty Horridge, a fiddle fixer from Fintona, tried the new platform for three hours:
“It’ll never take off. I know we’re known for not saying much around these parts but this is taking the biscuit. I wanted to tell people that I was having a bad day. All I could slabber was – ‘Annoyed. Me.’ Someone slabbered back – ‘Hope. Well.’ I said ‘OK. Soon’. She said ‘what. meet?’ I said ‘No. No’. She slabbered ‘Hateful. Bitch.’ It was all just too confusing. We’ve now fallen out over a slabbering misunderstanding because of this buckin yoke.”
Taggart maintains it’s early days and still predicts he’ll be a multi-millionare by Christmas.
“People are quick to judge in these parts. OK, there have been some teething problems like the fella who evacuated the whole of Omagh when he slabbered ‘Omagh. Smoking.’ The PSNI were too trigger-happy and cordoned off all roads. All the lad was saying was he was having a cigarette around the back of Sally’s. Give it time. The lad from Plumbridge is some craic. He slabbered a joke yesterday ‘Chicken. Glue.’ Jaysus I laughed for hours…hen crossed the road because he was glued to the back of a chicken I was thinking. That’s the beauty of Slabber. It can be what you want.”
So far only one celebrity has momentarily signed up. Hugo Duncan slabbered “Diddily. Uncle’.
Tattyreagh Man Dresses Up As He-Man In Court, Wife As She-Ra. Charges Dropped.
Tattyreagh’s finest
Borrowing inspiration from Willie Frazer’s fancy dress stunt in Belfast today, Tattyreagh duo Peter and Mary McBride donned the costumes of 1980s cartoon heroes He-Man and She-Ra in Omagh Court today in an attempt to overturn the repossession of their house on the Blackfort Road, after nine months of eviction notices due to non-payment of mortgage.
Peter McBride, a 52-year downhill gardener, explained his decision:
“You know, if it’s good enough for Willie and Jamie it’s good enough for my Mary and me. We studied the law last night and came to the conclusion that in Masters Of the Universe and She-Ra:Princess Of Power, there was no indication that the villain-catching duo ever met their mortgage payments on Castle Grayskull. In fact, quite the opposite. There didn’t seem to be any income coming in and the government seemed to be happy enough as long as they kept Skeletor at bay. There can’t be one rule for fictional cartoon heroes and another for common gardeners.”
Judge Sheila Smilie backed the McBrides’ plea, stating that TV producers need to show more responsibility in their programming before we have Wombles, Sooty and Sweep as well as Bungle from Rainbow all turning up getting off petty crime.
Peter McBride admitted he was surprised things turned out favourably:
“By the power of Grayskull, I thought we’d be laughed out of it. We’re away to celebrate with a cheesy chip.”
….before exclaiming “I Have The Power” and raising his walking stick into the Autumnal Omagh air.
Mixed Feelings On Arthur’s Day In Tyrone
We took a spin around the county to test the temperature on the Guinness money-spinner ‘Arthur’s Day’.
“Arthur’s Day my arse.” SANDY SAVAGE, NEWMILLS
“To be honest, every day’s an Arthur’s Day in our house. Yer man comes home full of stout after a few in Quinn’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then he goes on a charge on Sundays and Saturdays. But listen, being a parish priest ain’t easy.” MRS TONER, BALLYGAWLEY PAROCHIAL HALL
“I think it’s great we’re finally acknowledging the great joy Art McCrory brought us. Mickey’s Day just sounds like a Dublin brothel.” PADDY KAVANAGH, DUNGANNON
“Ach I wouldn’t be up-to-date on Christy Moore’s stuff. Is it any good? Hard to bate Don’t Forget Yer Shovel.” R MCSHINNY, COALISLAND
“The basterd. I left a stocking at the end of the bed last night hoping he’d have left a tin or two in the morning. Nothing”. D DEVLIN, GREENCASTLE
“I hate it. St Patrick didn’t chase the snakes out of Ireland so we could brew stout morning to night. Or, …did he?” G MCCANN, MOY
“I’m sick of these Irish stereotyping holidays. As soon as I finish my pint, I’m going to punch someone with my Shillelagh, begob”. P MURPHY, CAPPAGH SHEBEEN
“They should call tomorrow National Sewage Day. There’ll be some blockages in the morning going by the shower drinking stout in Sally’s.” J MCMAHON, OMAGH
“Ghost-oh” MOST OF ARDBOE
“Bloody hell. Christmas, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween and now this. All holidays invented by the Stormont government boys to fleece us all.” F LOGAN, STEWARTSTOWN
Tyrone Tribulations 