Category Archives: GAA
In all the euphoria of Sunday’s win, spare a thought for this woman who spotted Gavin Devlin’s trunks rip as Cavanagh equalised.
Source: TubeChop – Chop YouTube Videos
Portuguese Manager Phoned East Tyrone Club Manager At Half Time Over Moths
A summer’s day in Ardboe
A source from within the European Championship winning Portugal management team has revealed that their manager, Fernando Santos, made a panicked call to an unnamed lough shore manager at half time during their final match against the host nation France.
Santos, who holidayed in Ardboe regularly during the 80s and names eel as his favourite fish, was concerned that the infestation of moths in the Paris stadium was affecting his players and hoped that the experience of dealing with midges on the shores of Lough Neagh could be passed on to his squad.
Our source added:
“He was out of his mind but found a pay phone outside the changing rooms and urgently telephoned an Irish number. He seemed to know him well as he put on an Irish accent and I heard Fernando say at one stage, ‘Ghost-oh Jaysus boys the moths are tarra, Patsy’. His team talk after the call will live in my memory forever”
Santos immediately called the players into a huddle and gave them the most important advice of their young sporting lives:
“It transpired that the advice given by the east Tyrone manager was to ‘ate the bastes’ whilst you’re playing. Ronaldo asked, in Portuguese, what the hell that meant, even though he wasn’t playing at that stage. Santos explained that ‘ate the bastes’ meant to devour the moths as you play as it reduced their numbers as well as providing constant nutritional benefits. He mumbled something about it not doing Brian McGuigan any harm, whoever the hell he is.”
Portugal went on to win 1-0 in extra time, sparking wild celebrations in Porto, Lisbon and Dungannon.
How Brexit Affected Tyrone
BREXIT FOILS MICKEY HARTE’S FREE TAKING SOLUTION
Mickey Harte, who has lamented the lack of a reliable free-taker in recent years, has been forced to shelve plans to unleash a Portuguese corner forward with a lethal left foot after the Lisbon-born sharp-shooter flew back to his native country following the EU Referendum.
Luis Barros, who honed his skills watching all of last year’s Sunday Game, played in a training game last Tuesday, scoring 0-6 from play off Aidan McCrory as well as notching 0-4 from free kicks before being substituted before half time, suffering from hypothermia in Garvaghey.
Despite being secretly told he’ll probably be starting at the expense of Conor McAliskey, Barros was seen at Aldergrove airport boarding a plane to Lisbon whilst reading a paper and shaking his head.
YIZ DESERVE IT SAYS RED HAND PENSIONERS
In a straw poll outside an old people’s home in Cappagh, Tyrone’s pensioners have revealed a list of reasons why they voted en masse to leave the EU – twerking, texting, sexting, the Kardashians, Chris Evans, chewing gum, bad punctuation, public affection, tattoos, mumbling, nicknames, video games, rap music, alcopops.
“Yiz deserve it,” added a 98-year old from Galbally, before asking what the question was.
PUB IN COALISLAND OVER-REACTS BY BANNING EURO GAMES ON THE TV
A pub in Coalisland has vowed to uphold its decision to bar the transmission of any of the remainder of the European Championships in case they’re fined by somebody. Despite protests by supporters of the Republic of Ireland and the Northern Ireland supporter in the town, bar owner Brian Bulldozer Conlon maintains it’s a rule here to stay:
“I’m not taking any chances. Them boys in London will fine the balls off us I think if they catch us watching the Euros. It’s in the small print I reckon.”
McElduff’s Custard Creams Make Up Most Of MLA Expenses
Following the news that MLAs spend an average of £32’000 a year between them on refreshments, an independent audit has revealed that over £10’000 was spent on Custard Creams.
Further to that, all bar one MLA revealed they never once saw a Custard Cream at a meeting, leaving all fingers pointing in the direction of Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff who was often spotted with crumbs on his jacket and around his lower lip.
In a more sinister move, MI5 admitted to raiding McElduff’s offices for evidence of his mass biscuit consumption only to find nothing incriminating bar a poster of Peter Canavan being fouled by Conor Gormley and a CD of Philomena Begley’s ‘Songs From The Ramparts and other stuff’.
Independent Audit spokesperson Julie McPhearson added:
“It’s quite obvious that McElduff is addicted to Custard Creams and is using the offices in Stormont to feed this addiction. Catching him at it is another thing, as he appears to have a sound knowledge of the security camera black spots. But if you look closely at any photographs or video footage, you can see crumbs on his lapels and even sometimes chewing really slowly.”
McElduff, when questioned on the mysterious Custard Creamgate, remained nonchalant:
“These people have nothing better to be at. I haven’t had a Custard Cream since the 1990s although I’m partial to the Gypsy Creams at the wekend but they’re harder to get now. They can search the place all they want. They’d be better looking around Alex Maskey’s office and count the amount of empty Penguin biscuit wrappers.”
The audit also revealed that in 2016 alone, £5600 has already been spent on cocktail sausages, made exclusively by Cookstown Meats, firmly pointing the finger of suspicion at the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone.
Coalisland Set To Sue Iceland And Possibly France
Iceland tonight
Iceland, who are appearing in their first major soccer championships, have always been happily known as Iceland ever since the ice-age. However, it appears that following a trip from a group of Coalisland GAA players to Reykjavik for a sub-zero training camp to prepare for games in the high altitude of Carrickmore and Strabane, the Icelandic Federation have adopted their pronunciation of Coalisland as their Euro’16 name for the top let hand corner of the TV.
Coalisland stalwart Renoir McSherry added:
“Them boys kept asking us questions about the town and about Landi’s deals on cowboy suppers and stuff. We kept saying it’s hard to bate the ‘island for a good feed. It’s now quite obvious, after watching their 1-1 draw against the Portygal, that they’ve adopted L’islande after hearing it from us. I feel raw and hard done by. We’ll be taking them boys to Omagh court.”
The (CNCG) Coalisland Name Conservation Group’s chairwoman Sheila McAteer has also threatened to sue the French nation for making up a new word based on their own local pronunciation of the town and are calling for both France and Iceland to be thrown out of the competition.
“It’s the only way these people will have manners put on them. And it’ll let them know we haven’t forgotten about the Thierry Henry handball either. “
Meanwhile, the CNCG are looking into renaming Annagher ‘Belgium’ if their case against Iceland is unsuccessful.
Pomeroy Farmer Regrets Insisting To Wife Farming Harder Than Childbirth
Patsy, before treatment
A farmer from outside Pomeroy has confirmed he’s unlikely to compare the difficulty of some aspects of farming to that of giving birth again after his wife chased him around the yard with a pitchfork, eventually taking advantage of a slip by her loose-tongued husband.
Patsy Grimes (56) maintains a moment of weakness saw him lose the run of himself, especially after his wife told him to stop feeling sorry for himself for complaining about the pain of being kicked by a bull, mid-castration. In a fit of temper, Grimes reportedly said ‘sure the only pain you ever felt was a slight twinge giving birth to Patsy Jnr, Mary and the other one‘ according to Mrs Grimes’ account of the incident to us today.
Neighbour Kieran Kennedy described:
“I was peeling spuds at the kitchen window and saw the head of Patsy running around the back of his house. He suddenly disappeared, slipped presumably, and within seconds I saw the head of Dolores leaping on top of him with a pitchfork in her hand. It was then I heard the yelp.”
After an ambulance quickly carted Grimes to Craigavon to get the pitchfork removed from his buttocks, Mrs Grimes remained unrepentant at her rash punishment for her loose-tongued husband:
“He’ll hardly make that mistake again,”
….Dolores remarked before heading back into the house to finish off watching the Home and Away omnibus.
Patsy Grimes has confirmed he will not press charges against his long-standing wife and has agreed to go on an intensive anger management course in Dungannon run by ex-Tyrone GAA footballer Ryan McMenamin.
Meanwhile, the Irish Pitchfork Society (IPFS) has rejected calls for rubber pitchforks to be made compulsory in Irish farms by 2018 in the wake of the Grimes case:
“They’ll not be any good,”
…fumed the IPFS at a hastily arranged press conference in Omagh.
Derry Workmates Hard To Find All Day Across Tyrone
Derry man, phoning in sick
Businesses and institutions across Tyrone reported high levels of sickness today as well as low levels of production after over 298 workers from Derry failed to show up for work.
In addition, several teachers from Dungiven, Ballinascreen and Swatragh locked themselves in school classrooms and toilets in schools in Omagh and Dungannon, with many other Oak Leaf educators handing out detentions to Tyrone students for soft offences including ‘looking at the teacher’ and ‘smirking’.
Although impossible to prove its legitimacy, business owners believe the unusual levels of absenteeism may be related to a soaking many supporters received at a match in Celtic Park in Derry yesterday where Tyrone edged past Derry in a close affair for the first 15 minutes.
The CEO of engineering company Sowerpreen, Plunky Donaghy from Dungannon, remarked:
“We had 13 phoning in sick today, from Ballinderry, Slaughtneil, Garvagh and Moneymore. All of them said they had the flu after getting a right drenching in Celtic Park yesterday. It was quite a coincidence. The six who did make it in were hard to find today, one of whom locked himself in the crane. I honestly don’t know what is up with them.”
Omagh Principal Mr Harry McClune also added:
“The Derry teachers were in wile bad form today. There must have been heavy traffic or something today over the Sperrins. Mr Barton from Lavey dished out 52 detentions, including two each to every member of the MacRory GAA team. Poor Tommy O’Neill, a brother of Tyrone player Ronan O’Neill, got a detention for smiling out the window. We’ll probably appeal that one.”
The Tyrone Employment Agency have urged Derry ones to return to work tomorrow and if they have problems walking in through the main entrance they can use the back door.
Meanwhile, Club Tyrone are looking into an old GAA rule from 1888 which states that if you defeat a neighbouring county five times in the one year, you get to reclaim 600 acres from the losing county around their natural border. Ballinderry residents are currently ‘expecting the worst’.
McCurry Literally Flying In Training To Impress Harte
McCurry in training, yesterday, 440 feet above sea level.
Darren McCurry was reportedly flying in training in a late bid to force his way onto the Tyrone starting team to play against their dear neighbours Derry in the first round of the Ulster Championship this Sunday.
Insiders confirmed that the Edendork sharpshooter arrived in training last night by jet-pack and remained flying until he ran out of fuel around half nine. Clonoe’s Conor McAliskey was allegedly furious at the lengths his fellow corner forward was going to to worm his way into Harte’s plans. A squad member told us:
“You should have seen McAliskey’s face. Everyone knows that if you’re flying in training Harte tends to pick you so McCurry took the cliche to a new level. To be fair to Conor, he latched onto another GAA saying and started kicking lumps out of Sean Cavanagh. Real lumps, like. Everyone knows that if a player is kicking lumps out of others in training then Harte knows he’s psyched up for the championship. Sean’s in a bad way though. Holes all over him.”
McCurry’s new approach saw him become a genuine target man for Mickey O’Neill’s kickouts as he won 20 out of 20 punts from the keeper, uncontested, though he was whistled for over-carrying every time. He was also blown out of Garvaghey towards the Ballygawley roundabout several times by high winds.
Reports suggest Harte was impressed by the lengths McCurry was prepared to go to but reminded the diminutive forward that Ricey McMenamin once gave 101% during training in 2008, verified by medical science through a GPS monitor strapped onto his back.
Niall Morgan’s attempt to ‘bust his balls’ in a last-ditch attempt to make his way onto the side unfortunately saw him in A&E overnight.
Police Outlaw East Tyrone ‘How’s She Cuttin’ In-Car Hand Gesture
The cuttin sign
The PSNI today announced that, from June 1st 2016, anyone seen spreading their fingers out wide up against their windscreen in a ‘how’s she cuttin’ manner as they meet another motorist will have 6 points added to their licence as well as face a £300 on the spot fine.
Since cars were first used in the lowlands in 1972, motorists from Moortown down to Derrytresk have greeted each other with the ninety degree hand gesture. It is only in recent years that passengers have joined in on the greeting, making driving somewhat treacherous according to Chief Constable Kitty O’Hare:
“It’s just too dangerous. I was attending a disagreement over access to a field in Drumurrer last week and kept an eye on the amount of cars offering their greetings to the arguing farmers. One car passed by and as well as the driver and passenger giving the…
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Ronan O’Neill’s Dance Celebration Sparks Fears Of Summer Of Line-Dancing/Twerking Etc
McCurry practising Gangnam
Fears that Croke Park and Clones will become awash with dance-inspired celebrations this summer were realised today in Dublin after Ronan O’Neill performed a ‘Dab’ which involves tucking your head into your elbow whilst leaving your other hand pointing up at a 45 degree angle, after his crucial second half goal.
The Dab, which has been performed by many sports stars across the planet, is reportedly only the first in a line of unusual dance-inspired celebrations already being secretly practised at Tyrone’s state-of-the-art training ground in Garvaghey, after Mickey Harte goes home from training.
A Tyrone squad insider told us:
“If you think that was bad, count your blessings that Conor McAliskey didn’t score that volley he attempted. I’ve seen his celebration. It involves twerking in front of the goalkeeper and it isn’t a great sight. I can see him getting a few kicks up that hole of his, but not before he has inflicted his routine on the rest of us viewing public.”
Additionally, it appears that Darren McCurry has perfected the Gangnam Style dance for any goals, which sees him practically prancing around Croke Park in a horse-trot. Sources claim that the Tyrone backroom staff are worried about quick kick-outs if McCurry does find the net as the Edendork man may only be halfway through his routine at that time.
Our source added:
“Colm Cavanagh has mastered a line-dancing number with his brother Sean but the odds of that dance being seen in the championship are minimal for the foreseeable future given Colm’s defensive responsibilities.”
Fortunately, Harte is unaware of the current craze and reportedly thought O’Neill was just shy after hearing the crowd cheering for his goal, thereby hiding his face.
Further reports indicate that Owen Mulligan is flat out training in order to force his way into Harte’s plans. Close friends indicate that he swears he has ‘rakes of dance moves’ lined up, some of which may need a parental guidance warning. He is also reportedly looking into backdating some of the celebrations for great goals he scored earlier in his career.
Major Artistic Differences After Grimes/McKee Awarded Clinton/Lewinsky Film Roles
Tensions between comedy duo Conor Grimes and Alan McKee are said to be simmering after the pair again failed to come to an agreement over who will play who in the 2-character film based on the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky relationship of the 1990s, called ‘Holy Smokes, Bill!’.
McKee, who maintains Grimes looks most like the White House intern Lewinsky due to his shapely physique, is adamant that the £33m film will not go ahead if he doesn’t play the former US president:
“I don’t care about the money. Coming from Coleraine, me playing an esteemed world figure is more credible than someone from the backwoods of Tyrone. Also, I’m a dab hand at handling cigars, unlike my clean-living friend from Donaghmore.”
However Grimes, who has reportedly spent the £1m advance on a spoiler for his Vectra as well as generous donations to his local Church and a slap-up meal in the Cohannon Inn, remains steadfast in his refusal to take one for the team and play 42-year old Californian:
“McKee is being a dick about this. I’ve seen him in a blue dress and he looks the part. He’s claiming the beard is a stumbling block but sure maybe it could be a metaphor or something. To paraphrase the great man himself, ‘I will have sexual relations with that woman!’.”
The pair, who are currently performing in The History of the Peace…Accordin’ to my Ma!, have been given another seven days to settle on their roles before the offer is withdrawn.
Meanwhile, Hollywood directors are currently looking producing a film based on Owen Mulligan’s life so far with auditions beginning on Monday. Mulligan himself was refused a run-out to play himself after a high profile incident in Las Vegas this week involving a slot machine, a goat and a bit of blue piping.
Fear Of East Tyrone Influx Sees Omagh Schools Trial Accent Tests
Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
Damian Barton Foiled In Dastardly Plan To Be Pitch-Side Against Tyrone
A drunk artist’s impression
Damian Barton, the Derry manager who has been given an eight-week ban as a result of his involvement in an on-field melee in the McKenna Cup final against Tyrone, has been caught red-handed attempting to sneak his way onto the sideline for the match against Tyrone again tomorrow night.
Cookstown plumber, Leo Padraig McCaffrey, who was fixing Barton’s bath revealed that the Newbridge man was in the midst of a cunning plan:
“I was unclogging Barton’s bath when I heard a man with a strong Ardboe accent in the room adjacent to it. Although I had a fistful of blondie hair in my hand, I made my way over and saw Barton in an Ardboe jersey saying “I’m Kyle Coney, ghost oh boys” and stuff like that. I clocked on straight away what this gangster was at and toul him that Coney doesn’t play for the county any more.”
McCaffrey explained how Barton became a bit flustered, denying he was up to anything untoward at first, and then trying to tease out of him who is on the panel but was injured at the minute.
“I was having none of it. He was getting more desperate as I stood there shaking my head and then let rip calling me a typical Tyrone bollocks and was foaming and spitting and stuff. I hope Mickey appreciates what I have done.”
Barton has denied trying to gain access to the Tyrone dug-out and has promised to sit quietly in the crowd tomorrow. GAA officials, however, are investigating a Derry sub who has been named as Dickie Rock from Magilligan.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Nesbitt has been asked to refrain from hogging the hospitality prosecco tomorrow.
Windmill GFC Kicked Out Of Scór Quiz Over Cheating Farter
No farting at future Scors
Despite romping to an emotional victory in the Tráth na gCeisteanna section of the Ulster Scór final, the newly reformed Windmill GFC were subsequently kicked out of the competition after video footage confirmed a club member in the audience strategically farted on the correct answer every time during the multiple-choice round.
In an exciting contest, the East Tyrone side appeared to emerge victorious by one point over a determined Mayobridge quiz team from County Down, who will now progress to the All-Ireland finals in place the shamed Windmill.
Rumours of skulduggery began to emerge three questions into the 10-question multiple choice round when a loud fart was heard for the third time amongst the large Windmill contingent in the audience. Keen observer Leo Wallace from Bellaghy added:
“I found it odd when the first three rifts miraculously occurred on the correct answer each time. I was keeping a close eye this time and sure enough it happened again. When asked ‘What is the capital of Oman?’ I saw a Windmill supporter on his mobile phone Googling the answer, then shift into position and let rip when the question master offered ‘Muscat’ as one of the options. It was blatant cheating but also you had to admire the man’s ability to produce the wind on demand.”
On leaving the hall, the suspect was taken aside and over a dozen opened tins of beans were found inside his satchel. The offender maintained the beans were for his asthma.
On inspection of the video footage, the evidence became undeniable and the Scór committee had no option but to strike Windmill’s achievement from the record books. The club have also been asked to foot the bill for air fresheners for the hall.
McElduff To Build A Wall Around Pomeroy And Make Them Pay For It, If Elected
Barry McElduff, who has been labelled ‘The Irish Trump’ due to his uncanny ability to maintain an impressive mop of hair, has strengthened his likeness to the American Republican candidate after an insider confirmed he will offer to have a wall built around Pomeroy and make the Pomeranians fork out for the manpower, bricks and mortar, if elected.
McElduff has reportedly hidden a deep resentment of the village since 1980 when he, as a goalkeeper, conceded 16 goals in an under-14 game against Pomeroy, with seven goals scored by his cousin Deirdre. His election manifesto is to include taxing Pomeroy citizens £300 a year each to build the wall which will be managed by McAleer and Rushe.
Pomeroy pensioner Larry Devlin believes the Aghagogan politician must be stopped:
“Him and Trump are some bedfellows. Both mad republicans, the gift of the gab and admittedly eye-candy for the housewives. But the wall idea is one similarity too far. There’s talk that we’ll only be able to leave for hospital emergencies and a one-week summer holiday as long as we remain at least 5 miles from Carrickmore at all times. I just wish Deirdre McElduff had taken it easy that day but we were short of numbers and she’s a fierce competitor.”
Remarkably, some Pomeranians have welcomed McElduff’s plans and revealed they intend to vote for their arch-nemesis. Builder Felix McGeary (39) revealed:
“This wall will take about 18 months to build. That’s a year and a half of solid work if McAleer and Rushe take us on and then add on another six months of normal delays and stuff. I know we’re being taxed in Pomeroy to pay the workers to build this but if we work on it ourselves then we get our money back, so in your face McElduff.”
McElduff will also reportedly promise ‘to take care of women’ in his manifesto although no one was able to explain what he meant by this.
Urney To Be Twinned With Megan McKenna
Strabane’s deadly rivals on the field and life in general, Urney, made a double announcement this morning after their tourism office confirmed the townland is to be twinned with Megan McKenna. Additionally, the parish are to ask the reality TV and Strabane-hating star to turn on their Christmas lights in 2016.
McKenna, who angrily revealed her distaste for the Strabanese people on Saturday night before hopping on an Easyjet to London to tell her friends about the savages she encountered in west Tyrone, is the first person to be twinned with another town, highlighting the high regard she is held in around the greater Urney area.
Urney mayor Seamus McGlattery added:
“This McKenna blade is a sound judge. She’s just vocalising what we Urneyites have known for centuries – the Strabanese are a sub-standard breed. And she was only there for a couple of hours. She’s a shrewd character and we’re happy to have her turn on our lights this Christmas. We’ve never had lights before, and sometimes we forego Christmas completely, but by God we will go all out this year.”
McGlattery confirmed that the townland committee stopped short of renaming the Urney Road ‘McKenna Lane’ but revealed they’ll reconsider the decision on an annual basis as long as the Celebrity Big Brother star maintains her verbal war on Strabane for another few months.
“To be honest, none of us had heard of this girl until Sunday morning but sure wasn’t that the same with Moses, Elvis and Pele. These people announce their greatness on the world with one piece on genius and that McKenna girl just had her Mount Sinai moment at the weekend.”
Urney Ladies GFC have decided to rename their team ‘Urney St Megan’s’ for the coming year as a mark of respect and gratitude.
Edendork Man Extradited To US – Part Of New Netflix Series
Unlikely that Avery has been to Edendork bingo
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Edendork man Steven Avery is currently undergoing extradition to the United States in a bizarre twist to the new series of Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, Tyrone Tribulations can reveal.
It is understood he shares the same birthday with the man of the same name made famous by the TV series. Three other Stevens from Edendork have already handed themselves into PSNI, believing they could get a free trip to America out of it.
Avery, known locally as ‘the birdman’ because of all the crows he keeps in cages at his ma’s house, maintains he received the moniker because he is ‘lethal with the weemin’ and has a very limited learning ability which he attributes to being told he had to ‘pay’ attention at school, and wouldn’t spend Christmas. His communion money is reportedly still in an envelope marked “do nat titch“.
It is understood that the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s department are interested in pursuing charges against the former Hoops U8 full-back, and have taken DNA samples from him. After the 5th round of DNA testing, it appears he may not in fact even be human at all.
Charges are in relation to a mini van he has up on Autotrader, for a bargain price labelled simply ‘1 previous lady owner.’ Avery’s outlook is bleak at present, as his barrister is himself currently in police custody for sending dirty pictures to a hape of his other clients.
With Avery, who cuts the grass for Edendork GAC, now leaving the country and likely facing a long prison stretch, the club may not be able to field a team at any home fixtures this year. The Tyrone County board may relegate them straight to Division 4, along with Errigal fourths and Benburb. Club notes included words to this effect finished with simply ‘sheep wanted’.
Embarrassingly, management of Chieftain manufacturing in Edendork have completely misunderstood the situation and have subsequently ended up on an Indian reserve in Wisconsin smoking a peace pipe with Big Littlehorn’s tribe. Local SDLP councillor Simon Wallace joined the Chieftain entourage, and has appealed for “no violence or protests or anything”.
Rumours that McAleer and Rushe have been contacted to sponsor the Manitowoc County cheerleading team have been rubbished, despite company reps being recently spotted on a night out with a selection of those cheerleaders.
In unrelated news, it is believed the new Edendork gym has the missing snowball bingo money stuffed into the weights and weights benches. Committee members were unavailable for comment on the matter.
DNA Results Indicate Ardboe Locals Emerged From Lough Neagh
Ardboe man, 1000 years ago
Rumours persisted this morning that an Ardboe man who bought a DNA-testing kit over the Internet from India is to release startling results after secretly collating DNA samples from most families in the area. Barman Josh Coney, who boasts of an unhealthy interest in dismembering rodents and small mammals for the craic, stealthily collected pint glasses from punters in the front bar of the clubroom and tested the samples in his makeshift lab down at the bottom room of his house. His scientific henchman, Kyle Devlin, leaked the news to an undercover reporter posing as a priest at confessions last weekend. The transcript makes for startling listening:
“Ghost-oh, we couldn’t believe the results when they filtered back from Bombay, Father. It torns out that all Devlins and Coyles are inextricably linked to the pollan fish. Pollan is a silvery trout-shaped fish, with a dark greeny-blue back…
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Gildernew’s Alleged Appearances On ‘Ninja Warrior’ May Be Deciding Factor
Artist’s impression
Unsubstantiated rumours that Michelle Gildernew’s successful run on ITV’s Ninja Warrior UK game show may have compromised her upcoming assembly election campaign have been labelled as ‘rubbish’ and ‘hardly, like’ by viewers of the show and most other people.
Gildernew, the much-respected and experienced former MP for Fermanagh and South Tyrone, has reportedly powered her way to the final of the show by obliterating the ‘quintuple steps’ and smashing the ‘warped wall’ in record times over the course of the series.
An Ninja Warrior UK insider revealed:
“She’s deadly. Her ‘Log Grip’ technique suggests a woman who has spent a lot of her youth out in the open, jumping over ravines and cutting trees. After ripping through the course, she’d purposely go for a dip in the icy cold water-traps, suggesting a woman not adverse to a bit of midnight skinny-dipping around Brantry Lough.”
However, avid viewers of the show refused to accept that the popular Gildernew had progressed to the final despite not being shown as a competitor over previous televised heats. Ninja Warrior fanatic Kieran Delaney from the Moy fumed:
“I don’t know where this rumour started. I’ve watched every episode, sometimes twice, and never once have they referred to a Sinn Fein politician participating, never mind winning three heats. I know Gildernew and she’s a great woman and I’ve no doubt she’d rip that course up if she tried but as far as I’m concerned she hasn’t participated in this series. Definitely not.”
Sinn Fein’s Ard Chomhairle are due to look over footage of the show before deciding whether or not to overturn the Fermanagh/South Tyrone selection committee result.
Meanwhile, Gildernew has decided not to defended her 50m sprint title at this year’s Aghaloo GFC Sports Day Over 40s Women’s Race.
Dear Tessie – Tyrone Agony Aunt Volume 1
DEAR TESSIE,
My husband refuses to go shopping. Years ago, when we were just curting, he’d blissfully browse around Marks and Spencers or the Spar with me as I agonised over whether to buy brown or white bread for three quarters of an hour. Now that we’re married and with twelve children, he won’t set foot in any retail establishment. He says he gets severe panic attacks at the thought of it and when I mention the word ‘shop’ he rocks forwards and backwards, slapping his face with his hand, screeching ‘no’. What can I do? MELISSA, CABRAGH
TESSIE SAYS:
I’ve seen this many times before. I used to have a husband who’d set himself on fire as soon as I mentioned painting the gable wall. One day I called his bluff and painted it myself, a nice big union jack. I never had to ask…
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Tyrone Tribulations 