Author Archives: Gombeen
Worried Tyrone Celebrities To Enter Underground Bunker In Omagh To See Out 2016
Lynette Fay enters bunker
Following a spate of high-profile celebrity deaths as 2016 comes to a close, the Tyrone County Treasure Comittee have urged over 30 local personalities to take advantage of an underground bunker in Omagh for a few days, built in 1986 when they were worried about Halley’s Comet hitting the town.
Luminaries such as Paul Brady, Philomena Begley, Darren Clarke, Barry McElduff, Michelle Gildernew, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, Willie McCrea, Lynette Fay, Brian Dooher and Dennis Taylor have already taken refuge in the bunker which has a 24-hour blood pressure monitor and running machine installed, wired up to a GP’s surgery in Gortin.
Speaking on behalf of the Committee, Janet Garvey admitted it was tough leaving out some of our more well known stars:
“Owen Mulligan turned up with a six Harp tins and a 14 bag of Walkers Crisps but we thought he wasn’t sending out the vibes we want in there, especially as he was dressed up as the grim reaper. There was also no room for Sam Neill and Peter Kay as they haven’t really spent much time in the county.”
Early reports suggest things haven’t settled well with eye witnesses confirming Dooher and McElduff were engaged in a fist fight at the bunker door over allegations of snoring and snattering during the middle of the night.
The bunker will be opened again on January 1st 2017 with the majority of them expected to leave.
Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year
CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY
Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.
The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on Harte’s men.
A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:
“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”
The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.
Our Tyrone source explained:
“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”
Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.
Harte Orders Tyrone To Train EIGHT Days A Week After Armagh Defeat
Vomiting and retching was heard as far away as Caledon as the Tyrone squad returned for early weekday training in Garvaghey after their chastening 6-point defeat to Armagh in the Ó Fiaich Cup final at the weekend.
The loss to their near neighbours, their first since 1982, caused shockwaves across the county with a reported increase in Mass attendance and rosary-saying since yesterday morning.
Additionally, manager Mickey Harte reportedly sent a group text out to all squad players stating that training has now been increased to 8 days a week to make sure the debacle in Crossmaglen never happens again.
A fringe squad player from Galbally told us:
“Mickey was in wile bad form after that bad bateing by Armagh. I’ve never seen him lose it like he did and he was was cursing and stuff. He toul McCurry he couldn’t kick a rope, never mind snow off it. He even fired a banana at Sean Cavanagh and he wasn’t even playing. Credit to Sean, he trapped it, soloed it and then ate it in one move.”
Despite initial confusion over the logistics of the new 8-day week, squad members have signed a contract committing themselves to the new regime with the extra day probably occurring some time between Tuesday and Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Armagh’s Ó Fiaich Cup winning bus parade through Blackwatertown last night passed off peacefully despite concerns of a Moy contingent hijacking the celebratory event. Seven elderly Armagh supporters were hospitalised though with hyperthermia.
Misunderstanding As Barry McElduff Arrives In Stormont Dressed For Today’s ‘Panto’
Barry raring to go
Close friends of West Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff confirmed that the Carrickmore man was putting a brave face on it tonight after he arrived at Stormont dressed as a panto dame due to a misunderstanding by text.
McElduff, whose book Keep ‘Er Lit was narrowly overlooked for the Booker Prize last year, reportedly received a message to his phone from a Sinn Fein MLA stating that it was ‘well and truly panto season in Stormont today’, in reality referring to the Arlene Foster/HRI scheme debacle played out in Belfast this morning.
Omagh fancy dress shop owner Leo Kelly revealed how an excited McElduff arrived on his doorstep at 10am:
“We all had a fair idea that Barry likes dressing up and is game for anything. But I underestimated his desire to become an established panto dame. He tried on about a dozen different dresses and already had the make-up on him before he arrived. He was jumping about like a child on Christmas morning, bless him.”
Stormont officials admitted they feared the worst when they saw a small man in a dress, wearing heavy lipstick come tearing up Stormont lane shouting things like ‘oh no he’s not’ and ‘she’s behind you’.
Doorman Billy Bateson described the heartbreak:
“Ah you had to see his wee face. He was hyped up and it took a good ten minutes before he accepted that it was just a big misunderstanding. After the penny dropped we let him try a joke anyway. I said to him ‘I hear eggs are going up’ and he gleefully replied ‘that’ll surprise a few chickens’. He laughed for a few seconds, we all did, before the reality of the situation hit us again.”
As McElduff’s taxi pulled out, Gerry Adams was seen shaking his head from an upstairs window.
Strabane’s ‘New Age’ Christmas Tree Not A Hit
Tree-On-A-Pole
Despite hopes that a new approach for the traditional Christmas tree would catapult Strabane into a modern artistic stratosphere, public reaction to the unveiling of the 2016 ‘bare tree-on-a-pole’ was somewhat muted at a gathering last night.
The unveiling, which was carried out by an aspiring actor from the town who has already been an extra on Game of Thrones, received applause from three in attendance, with most simply shrugging their shoulders and heading off for a pint.
Designer Johnny McElharney, who has spent the last six years at an art college in England, was disappointed at the locals’ reluctance to buy into modern interpretations of Christmas decorations:
“They really are a shower of backwoodsmen. I spent six months designing this and trying to find the correct location for lighting and acoustic purposes. To do all that and then to hear ‘for fcuk sake’ when it’s unveiled is very disheartening. Strabane can go to fook in my book. What do they want?”
Local electrician and popular drinker Ciaran McBrennan from https://www.electricianinperth.com.au/ admitted he has tried to see the positives in the new design:
“I’ve looked at it from all sides. I’ve tried hard to imagine what McElharney has attempted to achieve here but it really is a load of bollocks. There are no lights or decorations on it. And I’m no backwoodsman. I eat spaghetti bolognese and watch Swedish detective shows.”
Strabane Council stated that although it’s not what people maybe expected to see, it was saving the council thousands on lights and baubles which will now be spent on a new slide for the middle of the town. They also called on Clady people not to laugh at it.
Renewable Heat Incentive Scheme Debacle Explains All-Year-Round Farmer Tan And Giant Tomatoes
Man-made Strabane tan
The controversy around the Renewable Heat Incentive scheme, an attempt by the Northern Ireland Executive to help to increase consumption of heat from renewable sources, has taken a further twist this morning after a whistleblower from Strabane produced more damning evidence of its misuse.
Leaked photos confirm that farmers from all over the county have been visiting a shed in Strabane which has been fitted out with 50 hi-tech sunbeds, fired by burning millions of wood pellets being sold on the black market by a strawberry farmer in Eglish.
The anonymous source, who was a long-term user of the sunbeds until a bad burning when he fell asleep in one, revealed the extent of the racket:
“Why did you think farmers had a deadly tan in winter? We all use the ‘Strabane Shed’ as it’s known in farming circles, some times three days a week, free of charge. Yer man is making millions whilst sporting a glowing tan all year around and the women hanging off him in he town. But it has to stop. The Health and Safety Policy is non-existent.”
Additionally, the puzzle of the prevelance of giant tomatoes across the county this year has finally been solved as other whistleblowers explained how sheds were also using the RHI scheme to create enormous fruit and vegetables. One such tomato was shared over 4 million times on social media after it was purchased on the side of a road near the M1. The picture showed that the tomato was bigger than the car wheel of a Seat Ibiza.
An SDLP councillor in Clady, PQ Guiney, warned:
“What don’t we know? I’ve heard stories that these sheds, with the heat powered by burning wooden pallets from the Moy, were being used to make really big sheep…you’d have to wonder why.”
Arlene Foster has yet to comment on this new evidence.
Brave ‘I Don’t Like GAA That Much’ Man From Carrickmore Speaks Out
Ardboe man admits he doesn’t know who Frank McGuigan is
More men and women who aren’t that fond of sport and GAA in particular in Tyrone have been urged to speak out after a non-sporting anonymous clinic in Portrush revealed over half their members were from rural parts of the county.
One particular member, who has spent 44 years in Carrickmore listening to talk about Tyrone GAA and pretending to like it, wants more people like him to come forward and show the courage needed to talk freely about fashion, reality tv and world issues.
Patsy Gormley, whose father played for the club like his grandfather before that, revealed the extent of the continuous misery he has endured over the years:
“People don’t know how tough it’s been. I’ve no interest in it atall but if you admitted that, you’d be admitted yourself to a psychiatric ward. I’m sure people were suspicious of me because I’d be joining in and mixing up my Canavans, Cavlans, Cavanaghs and all. Last week I said to a boy at a wake that it was great that Canacavalagh was playing for another year. The place went quiet and I pretended to vomit.”
The clinic in Portrush, SID (Sport Is Dung), allows non-sporting Tyronians from traditional GAA heartlands to get together and share their experiences within the blanket of anonimity.
Gormley vowed to hold his head high in his community this week and engage in conversations about ISIS, the X-Factor or global warming with anyone willing to listen and will refuse to attend Carrickmore games from now onwards.
“They’re shite anyway. Sure Conor Gorbley is near 40.”
Membership of SID is free and meetings are held outside Barrys on Thursdays at 10pm. No football tops or hoodies.
Calls For Vatican To Condemn Sneaky Ham Eating After Midnight Mass Or Session
Senior church-goers across the county have called on Rome officials to declare the unlawful eating of Christmas ham, by younger members of the family after returning home from midnight mass or a heavy session in the local on Christmas Eve, as a mortal sin.
Hundreds of parents have signed the petition which will be posted first class to the Vatican in the morning, according to recently appointed Coalisland deacon Finnian Farrelly.
Deacon Farrelly put meat on the bones of the argument:
“Parents like myself are sick and tired of waking up on Christmas morning only to find that the children have made a bollocks of the ham. Chunks are hacked off willy-nilly and sometimes the turkey has also been assaulted if the weans are intoxicated enough. Days of preparation down the tubes and you can’t get really mad about it on that day of all days.”
Many parents have taken matters into their own hands with a rise in firearms reportedly procured all over the county. So perverse had the sale of ammunition to minors become that it was ad nauseam. Everybody knew that minors were on the hunt to purchase everything AR15 related and spread havoc. Locks for ovens and increased sales of sophisticated alarm systems also suggest the war on ham burglars has upped a notch in 2016.
“I might be a man of the cloth but I have no reservations of firing a warning shot over the heads of my children if they come in stocious and start sniffing around the ham. They’re in their 30s; they should know better. Especially the sober ones who just went to mass.”
In 2015, over 200 dinners were ruined in the north of the country when not enough ham was left to feed the entire family on Christmas day, resulting in fist fights and trifles being fired across tables.
The PSNI have called for calm if the Vatican refuse to acknowledge the request.
New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’
A new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.
After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.
In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:
NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!
- ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
- EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
- OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
- DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
- CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
- TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
- DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!
NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!
- JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
- SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
- DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
- 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
- MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!
NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!
- CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
- MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
- UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
- REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
- SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.
NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!
- JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
- MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
- TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
- MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
- and much, much more
Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99
Four MLAs Graduate With Honours In New ‘Scratchin Yer Hole’ Degree At Queen’s University
Stormont was today said to be awash with pride after four of its members, one from each of the four main political parties, graduated with BA Honours First Class in ‘Scratchin Yer Hole’ at the prestigious Belfast university, Queen’s.
The new degree, which offers modules in ‘Looking Interested But Really Completely Zoned Out‘ and ‘Seemingly Talking Intelligently About Nonsense‘ initially had over 20 students at the start of the year, with 15 dropping out after two months due to their inability to keep up with the the MLA’s expertise in the area.
Professor Miles McGopling revealed afterwards that the final module ‘Paying Yourself More Money & Scratching Your Hole‘ saw the four MLAs really prove their remarkable talent in this discipline:
“I’ll never have a cohort like it. Two of the MLAs even managed the triple whammy of finding a way to take money off thousands of nurses and teachers, pay themselves more and scratch their holes all at the same time. It was quite remarkable. Next year they’ve even agreed to teach how they did it to a new batch of undergraduates. They’ll go far.”
All four graduates have shown interest in furthering their educational journey by taking a Masters in the subject which will include studying ‘Falling Asleep Undetected In Front Of TV Cameras‘ and ‘Hiding In Your Office‘.
The only non-MLA to graduate was a PE teacher.
Avoid The Fear: 7 Point Plan For Irish Natives Returning Home For Christmas Revealed
An anonymous Dungannon man has finally spoken about the secret support groups set up all over England to help exiled natives prepare for the trip home over the Christmas period. The document below, produced as evidence of the extensive networking system especially in north England, clearly sets out a seven-point plan which most will need to complete within the next few days in order to stave off THE FEAR, as it’s known across the water.
- REFAMILIARISATION OF LOCAL VERNACULAR
It is likely that some local words have now left your vocabulary during your time abroad. It even might also be a case of changing definitions. Two of the most common mistakes are misunderstanding the true meanings of ‘lethal’ and ‘deadly’. In England, these may be adjectives to describe something untoward and nasty. However, in Dungannon and suchlike, it couldn’t be a higher compliment. If someone says the burger you’re eating is ‘deadly’, don’t chuck it away for fear of catching something fatal. It’s probably delicious. The weather might also be deadly. That IS bad.
- FACIAL REACTIONS
If someone comes up to you and says that Joe Herron is now a vegan or a cross-dresser or going with someone from Armagh, look completely shocked even though you haven’t a clue who Joe Herron is, because you’ve been away a long time. Say something like ‘Holy God, but I’m not surprised, he was always a bit..you know…’. That should get you out of that hole.
- PALATE DESENSITISATION
It is likely you have been eating a wide range of food in England. You need to train your tastebuds again to like pepper sauce and garlic fries. A Coalisland epicurist who worked for ten years in Landi’s in the town will be secretly flying over to Manchester this weekend to give a crash course on this.
- HAND-SHAKING FITNESS REGIME
Many exiles have sleepless nights over forgetting how to do the handshake at Mass, therefore outting themselves as a lapsed churchgoer whilst in England. Follow this program to pull off a natural and supposedly experienced handshake. This is also useful for going to the pub with an elderly relative.
- SUBSCRIBE TO THE IRISH NEWS NOW
The death notices need to be read daily with a whole day given to browsing archive deaths since you’ve been away. This is crucial. Don’t be asking about dead people during Christmas dinner with The Pogues singing in the background. It’s a real mood killer and you’ll likely be on the plane home that evening. Also, memorise how the local club got on too. Pretend you keep an eye on their results.
- REMIND PEOPLE AT HOME THAT SCARCE TOYS ARE NOT READILY AVAILABLE IN ENGLAND
Unfortunately, this is unavoidable. People will still believe England is an exotic land full of everything that we can’t get here and will want you to bring home kilos of presents, with a promise of ‘sorting you out’ financially when they see you. Turn off your phone at night. They will also expect you to bring home spices and stuff.
- DIG OUT YOUR CHARLIE PRIDE/NATHAN CARTER/GARTH BROOKS CD
You need to know the chorus of all songs likely to be sung around midnight in most drinking establishments. Friends In Low Places is a must.
Donaghmore’s New Show ‘Whishtworld’ Accidentally Sparks Worldwide Mannequin Challenge Viral Video Craze
By Plunkett McJunket
Creative talent in the village of Donaghmore is never far away. The production team based in the legendary Bardic Theatre have created an exciting new TV show about a virtual reality tourist destination set across an ‘olde tyme’ Mid Ulster landscape filled with cowboys, battery hens and Limousin heifers. The target market is the well-off affluent residents of Donaghmore.
If you’re wondering what all the Mannequin Challenges have come from that have swept the globe, it has been all down to director Manny Quinn:
“After a rehearsal up in the theatre in the middle of printing up all the scripts for the cast to practice over the Christmas break I heard a wile racket. I soon realised they were still there bopping about to remixes of Malachi Cush hits so I had to challenge this kind of behaviour- I just lost my cool and shouted at them to howl their whisht. My artistic temperament gets the better of me I suppose.”
We spoke to one of the stars of the show, Gemma O’Neill, who shared that the noise of the gulder from their director scared them stiff and they froze on the spot. A brave cameraman caught the tail end of the incident on video. The video has gone on to huge viral success with many people paying tribute by filming themselves being still and holding their whisht.
Awareness of the new show has since gained huge momentum and anticipation for the pilot episode early next year. Early trailers released exclusively to Tyrone Tribulations show exciting storylines about chasing poitín peddling bandits across the Pomeroy hills as well as the challenge of parking a stagecoach during a busy Cookstown main street on a Saturday morning market.
DUP Member Admits He Thought Smoking Was Good For You Til Yesterday
Flat earth?
Following the news that a Northern Ireland DUP politician admitted he did not know heterosexual people could contract HIV until a charity explained the facts to him, more DUP members have come forward with similar startling revelations.
Freddy Jenkins, a 56-year-old MLA from Cookstown, was first to call a conference this morning in which he revealed a rash of previously-held misconceptions only recently rectified:
Trevor Clarke has opened the floodgates. He’s a brave, brave man. I only learned last night that the earth isn’t actually flat. To be fair I was always suspicious of that anyway as I can see the Sperrins from here. The maddest one is that smoking isn’t that great for you. I thought it cured everything. If one of my children was unwell, I’d have given him a bottle of Lucozade and a 10-pack of Benson’s.
Marge Lynah, a DUP councillor in Strabane, was equally astounded after she cleared up a few of her long-held concrete views by asking around the town yesterday:
So you CAN get pregnant standing up. That’s news to me. And leeches don’t cure everything, they’re now saying! What a relief that is. I was finding them hard to get anyway to cure my asthma.
Despite the above, over 88% of DUP still believe the universe was formed ‘some time between 600 and 3000 years ago’ and that dinosaur bones etc are just planted here and there by atheists messing about.
Entire County Of Tyrone To Be Airlifted To Mars
by Plunkett McJunket
Due to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.
The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.
American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.
“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.
At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.
Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.
Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying
“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.
To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.
A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.
Squad Of Tyrone Brickies, Sparks And Plasterers Head To Buckingham Palace In Transit Van
Following the news that Buckingham Palace is to receive a £350m refurbishment, a white Ford Transit van has been seen heading off the Ballygawley roundabout today towards the direction of Dublin and probably eventually to Holyhead.
Eyewitnesses state that over 20 men were bundled into the back of the van which appeared to come with a food rack, plylined to increase carriage of plaster boards & tools, extra deadlocks on the side and back doors, probably just serviced with a new clutch and rear brakes making it a reliable work-horse.
Although a request for tenders has yet to be formally structured, a friend of the driver believes they should have no bother getting the gig. Ballygawley native Pamela McCann maintains the area has a rich history in contributing to world-renowned structures:
“Yes, the Ballygawley/Glencull area is hiving with talented tradesmen. It’s not well known but lads from here helped to build the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China as well as the Great Barrier Reef. It comes as no surprise that the Queen of England turned to here for help. Fair play to her – up to now I though she was an oul bag.”
The van, which was described as having a middlin suspension, was spotted in Navan at a service station with many of the men buying The Daily Star, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a Mars Bar.
Aughnacloy Man Tasered After Fighting With Reflection In Car Window
McSorley
An Aughnacloy man admitted to feeling ‘a bit embarrassed’ after he was eventually released from police custody this morning following a disturbance in the village on Sunday afternoon
Seamus McSorley, a 48 year old plumber from the locality, admitted he’d mistaken his own reflection in the passenger window of a taxi for that of a rival punter during a five-minute aggressive argument in broad daylight.
A PSNI spokesman explained:
“Yes, Mr McSorley – having been drinking since the bar opened at 12pm – was caught acting in an aggressive way towards his own reflection in the Nissan Sunny which acts as a taxi in the area at the weekends. He initially knocked on the window and asked if the taxi was free, only to see his reflection do the same back at the same time, inflaming the tensions between the two.”
Onlookers told of how McSorley went on to threaten the imaginary passenger only to see the reflection threaten him back with the same finger gestures. An eyewitness described the final few seconds of the altercation:
“He then punched the window, only for the ‘man’ in the car to punch back simultaneously, making McSorley fall to the ground. I’m not sure how that worked to be honest. The police then came and tasered the bollocks off him.”
This wasn’t Mr McSorley’s first arrest for public disturbance this year. In April in was reported on here that he was taken in for questioning after arguing in a threatening manner with an election poster in the village.
Turmoil In East Tyrone As Breakaway Screener Factory Discovered In Beijing
By E Tyrone reporter Darby Gill
512 Vibrating Screener
Screener Valley (Coalisland and everywhere within a 15-mile radius) was left in turmoil this morning after news of a new screener company in Bejing was leaked to mainstream media. Witnesses maintain that so bad was the fallout from the news that men left Falls’ Bar early on Wednesday afternoon to head back to work.
The spokesman for Boys And Lads who Love Screening (BALLS), Becky “Arc Eye” McMoran, gave the following statement.
“Hi boy, what would them wee boys know about a MIG welder. We’ve been making screeners here for 20 years and no one knows more about them, hi. I mind building screeners here since I left school at 10 years old to cover up missed welds with chewing gum. It’s them Health and Safety boys have wrecked the whole show lad.
We used to able to work 90 hr weeks and hang aff rafters to get at the real hard bits to weld. Now it’s all masks and steel toe caps and you have to be back in the house by 7pm. Sure that’s no use to no man hi. I’ll not be getting a Chinese on a Sunday night now after lying in bed all day boking I’ll tell you.”
Although the new Beijing development is only a minor player, an “Irish Rejuvenation Agency” was seen leaving Washingbay last night. As the windows of the Vauxhall Carlton were blacked out it was difficult to determine who made up the party. McSorleys hardware was unavailable for comment on how many pickaxe handles and 6” nails they had sold the day before.
Conor McGregor’s Great Aunt Recalls His Year In Dungannon In The 90s
Double World UFC Champion Conor McGregor’s great aunt, Teresa McGregor, is to tour the county this Christmas to give talks on Conor’s time spent living near the White City in Dungannon at the age of 7.
McGregor, who moved to the town for 12 months when his Dublin home was infested with squirrels in 1995, attended St Patrick’s Primary School for the duration and is fondly remembered by his teachers at the time.
Mrs Jones, who taught Conor Woodwork and CDT, recalled:
Even back then he was a formidable character. One day we were each making a chair and he was very good at it whereas the other lads could have been making turnips for all they looked like. He was jumping up and down shouting ‘shut yer fookin mouth you’ll do nuttin, get the fook outta here’ to some lad who said he’d make a better chair than Conor. He was very confident.
Conor was suspended soon after for telling the principal that he’d obliterate him if he didn’t let him go to the toilet.
Teresa McGregor also reminisces how Conor made an impression around the town at the weekend.
He’d head into Woolworths and buy a load of crayons and draw loads of mad animals all over his body. Then the next thing you’d hear him shouting out of the top window of Tom Morrow’s shop ‘where’s my fookin belt? Get me my fookin belt!’ He was very particular about his clothes, even at that age.
McGregor’s time in Dungannon is fondly remembered despite arriving with a troublesome reputation after reportedly beating up 15 babysitters before he was three and getting barred from Funky Monkeys in Dublin for eating the plastic balls.
Rumours persist that McGregor and Sean Cavanagh are to share a sweet chili chicken sandwich at the Deli on the Green at Linen Green next weekend although it is thought that Conor expects Sean to foot the bill.
Tyrone Unimpressed With Super Moon
Moon rising over Lough Neagh
With Skywatchers preparing for the latest “supermoon” as Earth’s satellite makes its closest approach since 1948, Tyrone Tribulations got out and about its people to find out how this astronomical phenomenon will affect them and what they made of it in general:
“Pile of shite” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“The hell do I care” – MARIE BRENNAN, EDENDORK
“What are you really sellin?” – DAN MCGURK, DUNGANNON
“Sammy Wilson in the fields again, only bigger and better?” – B MCELDUFF, CARRICKMORE
“Balls” – SISTER FRANCES CAVANAGH, EGLISH
“Have you even checked the sky, ye walt. It’s lashing. Typical Ireland, can’t even organise a full moon.” – ALAN DONNELLY, STRABANE
“That’s just one of Hub Hughes’ attempts finally coming back to earth.” – E MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“Still shite, stop asking me.” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“Is it a protestant moon or a catholic one?” – A FOSTER, TRILLICK
“Right enough, quare hairy women around Brocagh this last week” – JAMES MCGURK, BROCAGH
“Super, my hole” – FR FAY, CLONOE
Coalisland Traffic Warden Able To Retire On Substantial Danger Money
The sight of a parking attendant at Coalisland may have been a one-off as it emerged that the warden in question was able to retire from his job after receiving a six-figure ‘hazardous pay’ lump sum for his task.
The warden, the first traffic official to appear in Coalisland since the 1985 Dennis Taylor’s homecoming party, was spotted at the George Best airport today flying off to Ibiza under a new identity.
A spokesperson for the Department of Infrastructure informed us:
He is the bravest man I know. Six men had already attempted the mission over the last 18 months but got as far as the Tamnamore M1 roundabout and pulled out. Mr X, as we call him, not only made it to Coalisland, but got out of his car in his official red coat and a book and pen. He’s a hero.
The DoI also revealed Mr X’s findings and intend seeking advice on the way to process his recommendations:
Mr X found that Coalisland works best when no law is adhered to. If, for example, people started to use the roundabout the way it is meant to be then it could cause untold carnage. Drivers in the town know that cars are going to tramp straight over the top of it and make necessary precautions for that.
Mr X maintains the zebra crossing in the town is now defunct and to implement proper usage of it would lead to great confusion. He witnessed an old day being verbally abused by motorists for legally using the zebra crossing, with many labelling her a ‘jay-walkin oul hoor’.
Tyrone Tribulations 