Strabane Rioter Qualifies For Irish Olympic Javelin Team
Hinney, practising
John Hinney, a well known Strabane rioter who comes from a long line of Hinney insurgents, has qualified for Rio after launching his homemade javelin 83.5m from one side of the River Mourne to the other in a fit of bad temper.
Hinney, who lists ‘throwing rubble at the Brits in the 80s’ as a previous pastime, will fly out to Brazil at the end of July after spending two months at a high altitude training camp in the Sperrins. Olympic officials confirmed that the Spout Road man had reached the qualifying distance of 83m although the Irish Athletics Association have refused to recognise the distance as an Irish record due to a ferocious wind factor on the day. The official Irish record still stands as 82.75m.
Hinney remarked:
“I’ve been practising in my field since the London Olympics but couldn’t get over 40m. My mother had been watching me and gave me the best pep talk ever. She said to just pretend there are a pile of Brits in the distance in their Land Rovers giving me the fingers and singing God Save the Queen and stuff like that. All of a sudden I was hitting over 70m regularly so it was only a matter of time.”
The magical 83m distance was achieved yesterday when Hinney’s uncle Tomas Kennedy was spotted on the other side of the River Mourne whistling Rule Britannia in a deliberate ploy to rile the 44-year old Strabane man.
“I lost the head completely and fired my home-made javelin over the river at him. Luckily it was caught on camera and using digital technology it was confirmed as 83.5m. Unfortunately, my uncle is in intensive care and I hope he pulls through before Rio.”
The Irish Athletics Association are looking into scheduling Hinney’s Olympic throw at the same time as the Rowing medals are dished out, in the hope that God Save the Queen is belting out as he makes his first throw.
Major Artistic Differences After Grimes/McKee Awarded Clinton/Lewinsky Film Roles
Tensions between comedy duo Conor Grimes and Alan McKee are said to be simmering after the pair again failed to come to an agreement over who will play who in the 2-character film based on the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky relationship of the 1990s, called ‘Holy Smokes, Bill!’.
McKee, who maintains Grimes looks most like the White House intern Lewinsky due to his shapely physique, is adamant that the £33m film will not go ahead if he doesn’t play the former US president:
“I don’t care about the money. Coming from Coleraine, me playing an esteemed world figure is more credible than someone from the backwoods of Tyrone. Also, I’m a dab hand at handling cigars, unlike my clean-living friend from Donaghmore.”
However Grimes, who has reportedly spent the £1m advance on a spoiler for his Vectra as well as generous donations to his local Church and a slap-up meal in the Cohannon Inn, remains steadfast in his refusal to take one for the team and play 42-year old Californian:
“McKee is being a dick about this. I’ve seen him in a blue dress and he looks the part. He’s claiming the beard is a stumbling block but sure maybe it could be a metaphor or something. To paraphrase the great man himself, ‘I will have sexual relations with that woman!’.”
The pair, who are currently performing in The History of the Peace…Accordin’ to my Ma!, have been given another seven days to settle on their roles before the offer is withdrawn.
Meanwhile, Hollywood directors are currently looking producing a film based on Owen Mulligan’s life so far with auditions beginning on Monday. Mulligan himself was refused a run-out to play himself after a high profile incident in Las Vegas this week involving a slot machine, a goat and a bit of blue piping.
Tyrone School’s Pupils Pretended They Had Rich Parents To Avoid Free School Meals
Trusty semolina and plums
Pupils have finally admitted in an East Tyrone Primary School that their standard of cuisine had become so unbearable it forced over half the school’s intake to pretend their parents were doctors and lawyers in order to avoid having to devour the free school meals on offer.
Knocknaman P.S in Derrynahacken were recently inspected by ETI afters suspicions were raised when only 13 pupils were spotted in the canteen eating their dinner during an impromptu inspectorate visit in 2015, despite the school having an enrolment of 590 children.
Chief Inspector Henrietta Walsh finally got to the bottom of the problem after she caught over 30 children eating berries from a tree behind the jotter incinerator:
“We knew something was up. This is a very rural area with high levels of unemployment and to see only a dozen children qualifying for free school meals was a bit puzzling. After I caught the berry eaters red-handed, they spilled the beans. One child, who forged parental documents claiming is father worked for NASA and his mother a professional footballer, was eating grass and a sachet of red sauce. All this to avoid free school meals.”
Walsh and her team subsequently issued a damning report on the canteen menu. Four out of the five days saw a one-choice dinner menu of liver and chips with an option of beans or no beans. One member of the inspection team claimed he received the same deformed three-pronged chip on his plate two days running.
Walsh added:
“The choice of dessert was similarly disappointing. There wasn’t a choice. It was chocolate semolina with plums for five days a week. I fully understood the children’s forgery.”
The Knocknaman headmaster Master Hughes reportedly chased the Inspectorate Team, claiming locals had been brought up on semolina and plums since 1962 at the school and there had been no complaints until now.
Fear Of East Tyrone Influx Sees Omagh Schools Trial Accent Tests
Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
Panama Papers Reveal Seven Tyrone Millionaires Selling Pallets
The infamous Panama papers, documents which show the many ways in which the rich can exploit secretive offshore tax regimes, have identified over half a dozen Tyrone millionaires, all of whom made their fortune selling pallets.
Having identified on these pages the money which can be garnered selling the small wooden structural foundation of a unit load which allows handling and storage efficiencies a couple of years ago, the news comes as no surprise to many in the county with many others promising to look into offshore tax havens for their own ventures.
Dromore water-filter merchant Danny Devine admitted he’s now thinking of opening an account in the Isle of Man:
“I’ve a lock of pound built up from the water-filter craze in the 80s and have often been worried about ones from Trillick stealing it so I’ve decided to put my assets offshore to defend them from raids by them crooks.”
Financial advisors in the county have asked farmers and other rich citizens to think hard about investing their money outside the county as the knock-on effect within their own communities could be devastating.
Money guru Johnny Monroe advised:
“These boys making money from pallets are multi-millionaires. I’ve heard some in the county debating about opening an account in the British Virgin Islands and all they have is £200 from selling a car. People are hysterical now. You’d be best spending it in Sally’s and a pastie bap afterwards.”
Meanwhile, Barry McElduff has yet to deny he’s one of the Panama Seven despite driving around Carrickmore in a new Ford with a spoiler and wearing sunglasses and stuff like that.
Omagh Man Awarded Extra Bus Seat After Big Balls Diagnosis
An Omagh window-cleaner today received a certificate to say he is allowed to take two seats on a plane, train or auto-mobile after he was diagnosed with Big Ball Syndrome, otherwise known as Testicle Magnificence in the medical profession.
Damien McNeill (44) revealed last week how he was often on the receiving end of dirty looks and disparaging tuts as fellow commuters fumed at his insistence on a wide-angled sitting approach, often taking up two and sometimes three seats. All that changed today when an Omagh Surgery identified McNeill as a sufferer of Testicle Magnificence, awarding him a certificate which can be shown to all public service operators:
“I was a social pariah. For years I tried to sit on just the one seat but would find myself passing out on the journey from Omagh and Tattyreagh and waking up somewhere miles away like Seskinore. Recently I tried to ignore the threats and slaps as I took up two seats, especially from pregnant women or the elderly. Now I can hold up my Big Ball Syndrome certificate and enjoy the journey.”
McNeill also confirmed he’s looking forward to his upcoming trip to New York where Testicle Magnificence is the norm rather than an exception.
“I might be the first man in Tyrone to be awarded this certificate but apparently 85% of Americans have Big Ball Syndrome and can take anything up to four seats at the cinema or restaurants. I think New York might be my spiritual home.”
Meanwhile, close friend and cynic Lenny Pollock is unsure how the new diagnosis will go down in the town:
“If I was Damien, I wouldn’t be celebrating quite yet. Omagh ones are not a people to accept official documentation and I wouldn’t be shocked if his certificate is shoved somewhere that’ll make his journey even more uncomfortable.”
A BBC documentary on McNeill’s plight will be screened some time in the summer, titled ‘Damien’s Danglers’.
Lough Neagh Fisherman Caught With 200 Pollan In Boat – ‘They Jumped In’
Despite the Lough Fishermen’s Co-operative Society’s three month fishing ban on all scale fish in Lough Neagh, starting on March 1, an Ardboe fisherman was this morning caught with 200 pollan under a pile of coats on his 26 ft GRP fishing boat with a Perkins 6 Cylinder engine, Borgwarner Gearbox, 64Kw, dual control winch with gantry.
When initially questioned by the bailiffs, the 79-year old man explained that he just was out for a sail when the fish started jumping in, probably because they’d seen other fish get in the boat when he was legally fishing before the ban.
Gaffer Wylie added:
“I believe they thought it was the fashion to get in the boat, maybe seeing their parents or cousins being fished in by net a month ago. I tried to stop them but there was no shifting them. Pollans are a stubborn fish and started beating their heads off the floor to knock themselves out. There was no point throwing them back in after that. Sure they’d just drown.”
Bailiff McIlhatton revealed he found the explanation highly unlikely but had no proof it didn’t happen as there were no rods or nets on Wylie’s boat by the time he arrived over, although he was almost sure he’d seen the fisherman throw equipment overboard when spotted a quarter of a mile out.
“This is the second time I’ve been hoodwinked. Another Maghery fisherman was caught with 800 trout in this boat and he maintained the fish loved his singing so much that they jumped in, and as he had his eyes closed singing he didn’t notice. They also, miraculously, knocked themselves out. Us bailiffs need faster boats. By the time we get over, these men have their stories sorted and gear ditched.”
Flame-haired Maggie Duffy, a new bailiff from Antrim, was stood down this morning from her job after it emerged that the sight of a red-haired woman was considered very bad luck by Lough Neagh fishermen.
Police Warn Tyrone Residents To Desist From Outdoor Line-Dancing Battles
Coalisland Man Limbers Up
A source close to the PSNI’s Public Disturbance Department has revealed that every home in the county is to receive a letter outlawing spontaneous outdoor line-dancing battles which appear to be on the rise in the run up to Easter.
The impromptu challenges, which appears to have replaced traditional fist fights and brick throwing sessions, appear to be popular now amongst the 18-35 age group and often take place in alleyways and ramparts in remote country areas after midnight, often fuelled by a cocktail of alcohol and tobacco consumed at discos.
The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, added
“It’s getting out of hand. You’d find lads and women pushing each other, arguing over football or women, and then someone produces a CD player and before you know it you have full-on Garth Brooks blasting at that time of the night and drunken revellers trying to outdo the other with their line-dancing skills. It’s only a matter of time before someone is seriously hurt with a sprained ankle etc. At least with the boxing it was over quick enough. I’ve witnessed these dancing battles last over 3 hours. That’s a lot of Brooks.”
The letter, which effectively bans outdoor shows of line-dancing after midnight, indicates a hefty price will be paid for anyone caught challenging others to an impromptu dance-off. Our source confirmed:
“Already, this weekend, there have been three incidences of line-dancing battles in Brackaville on the Main Road, with hundreds of spectators blocking the road ‘yahooing’ and letting out screams of ‘yup, ye boy ye’ and stuff like that. It’s setting a bad example to children. What’s wrong with a box to the nose or are people too soft now? There’ll be £100 on the spot fines for anyone caught.”
The Tyrone Line-Dancing Committee have condemned any shows of spontaneous outdoor line-dancing challenges under the cover of darkness and have pleaded for people not to demean the good name of their discipline.
Cut Whitethorn Tree Smokes Out Cranagh Family
A Portsmouth-born man has admitted defeat to the Fairies after he was forced to abandon his recently-purchased house at the foot of the Sperrins due to smoke blowback from his chimney.
Hank Robson, a father of four, admitted he was repeatedly warned by an old woman from the area not to cut down a whitethorn tree which she maintained would annoy the Wee People who reside undetected around the Cranagh vicinity.
Robson explained:
“I just thought she was an oul crank as she always had a bottle of gin in her hand. She was screaming things like ‘the wee ones will kill ye’ and stuff like that from the top of a hill when she saw me sawing down the bush.”
Using the wood, Robson lit the fire in his new house but suffered dreadfully from blowback, despite the chimney being clean and there being no breeze. After seven days of the house covered in soot and a thick black smog in every room, Robson admitted defeat and will return to Portsmouth in the morning:
“What kind of a place is this? I thought the Conservative Party were bad but the Wee People have the area terrorised. And the worst thing about it is that everyone says they don’t believe in them because the Parish Priest condemns it but secretly they all do. I’m outta here.”
This is not the first time the Wee People from Cranagh have made their mark on intruders. In 2003, a Donald Trump golf course was built in the area with seven lone whitethorn bushes chopped down during construction. During the first round ever played on the course, seven players were killed by lightening whilst an American disappeared in a bunker. The course was immediately bulldozed.
New Clogher Range Of Emotional Whiskey Launched Today
After a series of rigorous scientific tests, Clogher Distillery have finally unveiled their new brand of whiskey with three distinctive after-effects depending on your chosen mood – crying, fighting or singing.
Distillery director Seamus Mulgrew maintains his whiskey will revolutionise pubs and clubs around the country, enabling bouncers to predict how the night will pan out:
“We’ve tested it over and over. ‘BLURT’ whiskey, if consumed with water, will have the drinker crying uncontrollably about emigration, the state of the country, dead relatives, failed romances or football defeats in their youth. ‘WARBLE’ convinces the drinker to think they’re a Grade A singer, like Tina Turner or Malachi Cush. Finally ‘SLAP’ encourages the customer to pick a fight with the next person who looks at them. With science behind us, bars can predicted whether it’s going to be a bawling or boxing match.’
SLAP whiskey was already tested out in Falls’ pub in Derrylaughan during a meeting of the Lough Neagh Anglers Association. Bar staff confirmed that a mass brawl of fishermen ensued, with rods inserted in places they wish not to describe in print. However, Clogher distillers were unhappy with the results after they found out that this was a relatively normal occurrence in the lough shore pub.
BLURT will be tasted tonight during the Ardboe Book Club monthly meeting at the Battery Bar, immediately after the 15-strong female readership discuss their book of the month – Dead Puppies In Heaven.
Finally, WARBLE has already been banned at wakes and funerals for fear of having to listen to 32 verses of songs about sons going to Amerikay and never returning.
All bottles retail at £39.99 with a shot costing £6.
St Patrick To Be Re-Branded To Attract All Communities
Early sketch for St Patrick rebrand
Following Arlene Foster’s comments that St Patrick’s Day was ‘too gaelicised’for unionist and loyalist communities, it is believed that Stormont have speedily passed a motion to re-brand St Patrick in time for 2017.
Early signs indicate that a bowler hat and a white horse may be added to murals depicting the Englishman who was kidnapped by Irish pirates and hated snakes. Omagh-born designer, Kieran McKinstry, revealed he has already submitted three sketches after being commissioned by the NI Assembly.
“Foster and McGuinness just said to ‘Prod him up a wee bit’. Foster wanted him sitting on a Lambeg drum but McGuinness felt that wasn’t very realistic so I decided on the horse and the hat. He already wore a hat anyway so it’s wasn’t too much of a stretch to visualise it.”
If successful, government officials will investigate the possibility of merging St Patrick’s Day and the 12th of July, maybe having it around the 14th of May and calling in Paddy Orangeman Day. Gertie Mullan of Dungannon was suspicious:
“Paddy Orangeman Day is a con. Everyone knows that if this happened the whole island will be stocious drunk that day, both sides of the divide, and then Stormont will pull a fast one and bring in water charges or internment or something with no one sober enough to argue or rally against it. They’re a pile of crooks.”
Meanwhile, recent papers found in a well in Downpatrick indicate that St Patrick hated the shepherding and was often caught lying down on the job eating fish and drinking rainwater behind trees.
Good Samaritan Mistakenly Buys Dirty-Looking Man A Fish Supper In Landi’s, Coalisland.
A 55-year old retired teacher has admitted to feeling awkward after she bought who she thought was a down-and-out stranger a fish supper when she saw him covered in dirt and licking salt from a napkin. It was only after a waitress brought him over his own order of a battered sausage meal that she realised she’d made an error of judgement.
Kitty O’Neill, who taught Sums at the local comprehensive school before taking a retirement package after firing a lump of chalk at a coughing child, subsequently left the cafe without her order such was her embarrassment. She explained:
“I just saw this man opening salt packets and pouring them onto a napkin and swallowing the stuff. He was covered in oil and dirt and I had all these visions of a man on his own walking the roads looking for someone to rest for the night. I thought he was a wandering tramp so I took pity on him and bought him a fish supper. Turns out he’s a local car mechanic who loves salt and was just waiting on his own meal. To make it worse I know him and he’s a miserly oul bollocks with money to burn.”
The mechanic, known locally as oily Olly, proceeded to eat both meals and washed them down with three tins of Lilt, without questioning the reason for the unusual gift. Mrs O’Neill added:
“I even set the meal down in front of him and said ‘God bless you’. He just nodded and said ‘right you are’ and started scoffing the supper. He didn’t even look surprised. When I saw his own order arriving I did a runner.”
Mrs O’Neill confirmed later that she went back that night and got herself a chicken burger.
Star Wars Episode VIII May Be Filmed At Balix Hill, Plumbridge
Director Rian Johnson has refused to confirm or deny that some of the scenes for the upcoming instalment of the Star Wars series may be filmed in Balix Hill near Plumbridge despite rumours that the new film will be named ‘Star Wars 8 – The Battle of the Balixes’.
Balix, sometimes named Belix or Ballix, has long been touted as the perfect location for a Star Wars film such is the out-of-this-world atmosphere and the remarkable number of natural C-P3O and Chewbacca look-a-likes in the area.
Set designer Harry Devlin is confident that the Star Wars production van will be pulling into Plumbridge within a month:
“We need to get in there now before the holiday season begins and the throngs of tourists start to flood The Plum, Cranagh and Glenelly. We’ve already done a few runs to the area and are pleased to see hundreds of natural Chewbaccas to choose from at short notice, from both sexes. And in Balix Hill we have the ideal location for inter-galactic battles.”
This is not the first time that Balix Hill has captured the imagination of the world’s top film directors. In 1966, Sergio Leone apparently filmed over 400 hours of footage in the area for his masterpiece The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. He admitted years later that he was forced to abandon filming and head to Rome and Madrid after failing to find anyone to play The Good despite hundreds of the other two roles readily available in the area.
Clint Eastwood however fell in love with the area and is often spotted during the winter months roaming about Glencoppogagh on his own with his trusty dog, Dog.
Tyrone Sportsman Casts Doubt On Sharapova’s Drugs Test
Drunk Tennis
An experienced Tyrone sportsman, who once ran, swam and cycled 12 miles in one day, maintains a mistake has been made with the Maria Sharapova drugs case. The Russian tennis superstar, 28, tested positive for meldonium, a substance she has been taking since 2006 for health issues.
Tony Cassidy (44) from Donaghmore maintains it’s simply impossible to take drugs and play tennis at any level, never mind competing in majors:
“This just doesn’t add up to me. I tried playing tennis in Portrush after about 9 pints and I missed nearly every ball that came over my side of the net. Any that I did hit went off the rim and straight back into my face. The game was abandoned when I got tangled in the net and had to be cut out by the fire brigade. So how the hell can this girl play world class tennis taking drugs?”
Cassidy, after a lot of technical analysis, believes it’s a ruse to cover up Sharapova’s lack of major titles:
“It’s a farce I think. Sharapova is probably worried she won’t be raking in the sponsorship because of her dearth of big wins so her team have concocted a story that she’s drugged to the eyeballs so wasn’t really fit to play these matches. If I played one of the Williams girls whacked to the eyeballs on dope or something I’d be bate 6-0 6-0 or maybe 6-0 6-1 if it started to wear off towards the end. Sharapova was winning the odd set so I’m not buying it.”
Cassidy wanted to remind sports people that drinking or taking drugs before playing games is not advisable unless you were an interested spectator watching a Cavan or Donegal game.
*Cassidy has since been arrested for swimming in Dungannon Leisure Centre whilst drinking margaritas.
Damian Barton Foiled In Dastardly Plan To Be Pitch-Side Against Tyrone
A drunk artist’s impression
Damian Barton, the Derry manager who has been given an eight-week ban as a result of his involvement in an on-field melee in the McKenna Cup final against Tyrone, has been caught red-handed attempting to sneak his way onto the sideline for the match against Tyrone again tomorrow night.
Cookstown plumber, Leo Padraig McCaffrey, who was fixing Barton’s bath revealed that the Newbridge man was in the midst of a cunning plan:
“I was unclogging Barton’s bath when I heard a man with a strong Ardboe accent in the room adjacent to it. Although I had a fistful of blondie hair in my hand, I made my way over and saw Barton in an Ardboe jersey saying “I’m Kyle Coney, ghost oh boys” and stuff like that. I clocked on straight away what this gangster was at and toul him that Coney doesn’t play for the county any more.”
McCaffrey explained how Barton became a bit flustered, denying he was up to anything untoward at first, and then trying to tease out of him who is on the panel but was injured at the minute.
“I was having none of it. He was getting more desperate as I stood there shaking my head and then let rip calling me a typical Tyrone bollocks and was foaming and spitting and stuff. I hope Mickey appreciates what I have done.”
Barton has denied trying to gain access to the Tyrone dug-out and has promised to sit quietly in the crowd tomorrow. GAA officials, however, are investigating a Derry sub who has been named as Dickie Rock from Magilligan.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Nesbitt has been asked to refrain from hogging the hospitality prosecco tomorrow.
Traditional Nursery Rhymes Banned From Omagh School On Health & Safety Grounds
Health and Safety nightmare
Parents at a primary school in Omagh are said to be livid after over a dozen nursery rhymes were outlawed at the weekend on advice from the school’s new Health and Safety Officer Hetty McCambridge from the Education Board.
St Kent’s in the town placed some of the most well known songs at the top of the danger-list including Rock-A-Bye Baby, Humpty Dumpty, Jack and Jill as well as Georgie Porgie. Children heard reciting the well-known lines will be suspended for at least a week pending an interview with their parents or legal guardians.
McCambridge explained:
“Rock (or Hush)-A-Bye Baby is one of the most horrific and nauseating stories I’ve ever read. Personally, I recall having nightmares of being placed at the top of a tree and ultimately hurtling towards terra firma in my cradle at the speed of light. What sick parent would tell their little darling that scenario?”
Humpty Dumpty has also been outlawed after fears children will begin pushing rotund classmates off walls hoping a royal army will arrive, or maybe just for a laugh. It has been banned under the category of ‘dangerous subtext’ as well as worries over the medical proficiency of these handpicked molly-cuddled soldiers.
The reasons for the banning of Georgie Porgie was less clear with McCambridge maintaining he was either homophobic or a nymphomaniac:
“This rhyme is promoting the kissing of random girls which can be very dangerous around here. The girls would do more than just cry. Also, the reason for running away when ‘the boys’ came out ‘to play’ seems a bit vague and may hint at Georgie running away from a group of boys playing due to some form of inherent prejudice. Anyway it’s not the sort of values we at St Kent’s want to condone.”
St Kent’s are also looking into ‘It’s Raining, It’s Pouring’ and its promotion of going to bed inebriated.
Windmill GFC Kicked Out Of Scór Quiz Over Cheating Farter
No farting at future Scors
Despite romping to an emotional victory in the Tráth na gCeisteanna section of the Ulster Scór final, the newly reformed Windmill GFC were subsequently kicked out of the competition after video footage confirmed a club member in the audience strategically farted on the correct answer every time during the multiple-choice round.
In an exciting contest, the East Tyrone side appeared to emerge victorious by one point over a determined Mayobridge quiz team from County Down, who will now progress to the All-Ireland finals in place the shamed Windmill.
Rumours of skulduggery began to emerge three questions into the 10-question multiple choice round when a loud fart was heard for the third time amongst the large Windmill contingent in the audience. Keen observer Leo Wallace from Bellaghy added:
“I found it odd when the first three rifts miraculously occurred on the correct answer each time. I was keeping a close eye this time and sure enough it happened again. When asked ‘What is the capital of Oman?’ I saw a Windmill supporter on his mobile phone Googling the answer, then shift into position and let rip when the question master offered ‘Muscat’ as one of the options. It was blatant cheating but also you had to admire the man’s ability to produce the wind on demand.”
On leaving the hall, the suspect was taken aside and over a dozen opened tins of beans were found inside his satchel. The offender maintained the beans were for his asthma.
On inspection of the video footage, the evidence became undeniable and the Scór committee had no option but to strike Windmill’s achievement from the record books. The club have also been asked to foot the bill for air fresheners for the hall.
More Evidence Of Anti-Ulster Bias After Enda Kenny Declares Mayo All-Ireland Whingeing Champions
Calls have been made from various senior figures in Ulster for Enda Kenny to withdraw the remarks he made last night at a Fine Gael rally in Castlebar when he described the locals as All-Ireland Champions in whingeing.
The Taoiseach, who hails from Castlebar and played Gaelic football for his local club Islandeady, was referring to those who keep moaning about not having enough money and stuff and complaining about banks etc but appears to have bestowed the accolade of national champions without producing any definite evidence.
Fergal Jordan, a fourth cousin of Mickey Harte, fumed:
“This is just typical of the anti-Ulster prejudice that exists down there in Dublin. Has Mr Kenny ever sat on a wall in Fintona and listened to the brilliant whingeing we can do? Too warm, too cold, too poor, too rich, bad TV, young ones nowadays, priests, police, politicians, celebrities, cakes, Garth Brooks, price of coal, global warming, dentists, doctors, death….we can whinge as good as anyone in Ireland and we’ll stand up to anyone who says anything else.”
Jordan, who complained about the length of time this interview was taking, added:
“And was there a back-door system in place? Who did Mayo beat to become All-Ireland Champions? How much money were the Dubs given to improve their whingeing? And I hear Mr Kenny said something about the cynical whingeing in the north, suggesting we’re not really whingeing at all but putting it on. If Mr Kenny maybe did a bit of canvassing up here in Tyrone he’d not be so rash to award his home county with that prestigious title. And by the way, we’re all fine Gaels, not just him and his party.”
Sinn Fein have been asked to boycott future RTE debates until Mr Kenny apologises for the remark and holds an open All-Ireland Whingeing Championship with full provincial and back-door draws.
New East Tyrone Film Club Society Savages Classics
Wooden performance from Carrickmore midfielder lookalike
The minutes from the monthly meetings of the new East Tyrone Film Club Society (ETFCS) paints a disappointing picture after their ’12 Months of Classics in 2016′ theme failed to impress members, with many supposed epics slaughtered by the 20-strong film viewing group.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to get an official copy of the minutes which makes grim reading for the world’s top film directors and actors:
JANUARY (Jan 2nd): FRANKENSTEIN (1931) – RATING 1 STAR OUT OF 10
Pure dung. The monster wasn’t even called Frankenstein. No scary bits at all, no rocking chairs or machetes or big noise effects. Just a man making another man out of body parts and ballsing it up and then kills him. Well, we think he did because we turned it off after an hour and watched Match of the Day. Do not buy this film. Black and white too. The monster looks more like a Carrickmore midfielder than a notorious villain. And his acting was terrible. Just grunted and hardly moved.
FEBRUARY (Feb 1st): JAWS (1975) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10
Absolute bollocks. A middlin-sized shark torments the people of America. Then these men get in a questionably-sized ‘boat’ to tackle the killer fish. We’ve seen bigger vessels struggling with a shoal of perch on the Lough. They get drunk and one supposed expert gets ate by the fish and the other man kills it, with the older man already in its belly, by making it swallow a barrelful of diesel and shoots it. All it really needed was good bait and a big net according to some of our Ardboe members. 20 mins done and dusted they reckoned, even including the time for drinking. These amateurs deserved to get ate. True story.
MARCH (Feb 20th): E.T. (1982) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10
Complete balls. This ugly-looking craytur arrives in America and a young lad hides it. Totally unrealistic. The thing learns the English language in minutes and can weld things with its finger without using an eye-shield or any protective clothing. Then the cops come and try to kill it but he survives and moreorless tells the lad that he’s mental, pointing at his head and saying ‘I’ll be right here‘ which many of us interpret as the lad showing early signs of dementia and the alien lad knows it, if he exists at all. A spaceship arrives miraculously and takes the thing home. We found ourselves booing.
Next up for Easter: Schindler’s List
Craigavon To Get Three More Roundabouts To Qualify As World Heritage Site
Craigavon last Sunday
Tyrone Tourism Chairman Conleth Mackle has described as ‘cynically dangerous’ the decision to award Craigavon three more roundabouts, bringing their total to 20 which enables the area to become Ireland’s 4th National Heritage Site and Ulster’s second after the Giant’s Causeway.
The settlement in north Armagh, constructed in 1965, will qualify for the accolade by UNESCO under a number of categories:
- “represents a masterpiece of human creative genius and cultural significance”
- “exhibits an important interchange of human values, over a span of time, or within a cultural area of the world, on developments in architecture or technology, monumental arts, town-planning, or landscape design”
- “is directly or tangibly associated with events or living traditions, with ideas, or with beliefs, with artistic and literary works of outstanding universal significance”
Mackle remained unconvinced:
“This is Arlene Foster at her work again. Tyrone has the crosses at Ardboe and Donaghmore but she’d rather see a Tricolour over City Hall than Tyrone get a World Heritage Site. It’s a cynical decision to build three more roundabouts at Craigavon. Masterpiece of human creative genius my arse. I’ve had better ideas after a night out in Tomneys. “
Mackle also believes the decision was not put through a vigorous risk assessment plan:
“Every week we hear of families stuck on those roundabouts for over 4 hours. It’s a long-lasting traumatic experience for children and now they’re throwing three more on. This’ll see off many elderly Sunday drivers who’ll maybe have heart or incontinence issues, many of whom will never be seen again once lost in that labyrinth of roundabouts.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk’s application to become a World Heritage Site failed after the flooding dried up during the inspection process, revealing hoses with running water left by locals hoping for a big grant by UNESCO.
Tyrone Tribulations 