Ballygawley Man Disappoints In MasterChef
Kelly’s work
The much-awaited performance on Masterchef of Ballygawley balloon blower-upper Malachy Kelly was ‘a bit dung’ according to his mother and fiercest critic, Angela. The long-running BBC food gameshow had yet to entertain any competitors from Tyrone before Kelly’s appearance last week and it is unlikely there’ll be any more. The theme for the Ballygawley man’s episode was ‘Egg Surprise’ where contestants had to come up with an egg-based dish to woo the judges Gregg Wallace and John Torode. Angela Kelly pulled no punches in assessing her son’s performance:
When I saw what the other three competitors were cooking, I knew our Malachy was in trouble. The first girl did some kind of exotic Carribean omelette with mad ingredients like green peppers and leeks. Thon boy from London made ‘egg foo young’ with scallions and it looked deadly. Finally the Australian woman cooked these massive scotch eggs that’d feed the whole of Aughnacloy. Malachy looked a bit pale at this stage.”
Calling his dish ‘Egg Bateupinacup’, Kelly boiled two eggs for ten minutes, rinsed them under the tap for half a minute, peeled off the shell, threw them into a cup and slapped in a lump of butter before whisking it with a teaspoon. On handing it to the two judges with two small bits of unbuttered bread, the sweat was pouring down his face.
“Embarrassed. Egg beat up in a cup. Holy Jaysus. The fancy name threw them at the start and I could hear the judges discussing whether it was some kind of Irish language dish. The only good part was the dramatic music when he cooled the eggs under the tap. You could see the pain in his face as he struggled to juggle the hot eggs for about fifteen seconds. To be honest I got a bit emotional at that part.”
Gregg Wallace called the dished ‘underwhelming’ and ‘a joke’. Torode thought he put in too much butter. The show will air on Christmas Day 2013. Malachy returned to Ballygawley last night and was paraded around the town on the back of a trailer to 12 ecstatic well-wishers with only the odd bit of abuse shouted.
Newtownstewart U12 Manager Furious At Man Utd Snub
Newtownstewart hair-dryer treatment
Following the retirement of Alex Ferguson, coupled with Man Utd’s search for a new manager, Kirk McConnell was devastated to find out his application form was completely overlooked as it now appears that another high profile manager in England will get the job. McConnell, who specialises in fixing carpets with loose thread, has led his Newtownstewart U12 side to three massive victories this year in his first year of management, defeating Owen Roes by 61 points, Strabane by 33 points and Glenelly by a walkover as the opposition didn’t field. After Ferguson’s announcement, the lads in the Abercorn Arms convinced McConnell that he should throw in an application form and helped him write it there and then at around midnight. Kirk is at a loss to explain his rejection:
“If I’m being honest I’m a bit pissed off like. They didn’t even send a letter to say I was unsuccessful. I’d written it out with the lads and used red pen and ruler for the headlines and a black pen for the information. For example, I covered areas such as Favourite TV shows, Favourite Foods, Funniest Memory, Best Game I Watched, My Favourite Player and Any Other Business. It covered the front and back of an A4 paper. What’s their problem like? I’d say none of them have ever tried taking a team up to Strabane on a Saturday morning to play a side with three women in full forward, far bigger than the rest of us. And I don’t even know the rules.”
In an effort to appease McConnell, Man Utd issued a statement today thanking McConnell for his application form but felt that he fell down on two accounts. In a letter signed by the American owner Mr Glazer, the club spelt out their concerns:
“Firstly, we heard about the 61 point win over Owen Roes. You didn’t tell us that nine of the Roes side were actually under the age of seven. Also, our intelligence reports informed us that the referee gave you a couple of dodgy decisions and no wonder as we believe he’s your chairman. Secondly, the application form was covered in beer stains and some of the spellings were atrocious. For example, it’s Sir Alex Ferguson, not Salax Ferkson. We wish you well in the future and hope Newtownstewart U12s lift the title.”
Leo Parry, manager of the Newtownstewart Spar, was also unsuccessful. Meanwhile, McConnell has sent a copy to Everton.
Moy Internet Cafe Closes Down. Owner Tired Of Explaining Stuff.
Moy man on Google
One of The Moy’s most adventurous business ventures closed today after the owner, Colm Mackle, admitted he was ‘sick and tired’ of explaining what surfing the net meant to confused locals. Tyrone’s first Internet Cafe was launched last month with a fanfare of sandwiches and cold drinks whilst an Apple Store employee from Benburb cut the rope around the shop. Early euphoria soon turned to resentment after Mackle became scundered with requests from patrons like ‘how does this mice yoke work’ and ‘how do you get on to the next line’.
“Ah I enjoyed the first day, seeing the faces of Moy people who thought computers could only be found in America or London. But then it began. One of the first complaints was from a young girl from the Armagh Road who said she was afraid of mice and if I could get her another animal. Men and women were talking to the screen thinking there was someone inside it. And they all seem to forget what I told them as the next day was exactly the same.”
Mackle called it a day soon after he called his first tutorial class on “How to surf the web”.
“I thought I’d educate the locals on surfing and advertised a Beginners Guide to Surfing. 30 turned up. 28 of them were wearing wetsuits, breathing apparatus and carrying a stack of towels. The other two brought dusters ‘for the webs’. What a waste of money this venture was. A centre for left-footed Aborigine Ballet would’ve had as much success as I had with this idea. The Moy ain’t ready for the Internet.”
Local actor, Tony Gribbon, reckons they’re better off without it:
“Ah sure any time I was in it I couldn’t get near it for the amount of surfers looking at videos on YouTube of people falling over or tractor diffing. I mean, it was the only site used. Then there were oul lads typing in ‘bare women’ and getting Mackle into bother.”
Galbally Diner Expects That He’s In With A Chance With Dungannon Waitress
Keown during the starter
By Shengas McGlumphie
A local man remains hopeful that he has an opportunity to date a fairly attractive restaurant waitress who served him during a meal, with whom he shared his self-confessed ‘deadly banter’. Plunkett Keown, an unemployed fitter from Galbally, was dining at the popular Viceroy Restaurant in Dungannon on Wednesday night with his sister and brother-in-law, to celebrate Keown’s 27th birthday.
“There was this nice wee piece working the tables, all dolled up in the waitress uniform. To be honest she looked like she’d lie down in nettles for it, so I fancied my chances straight away. I decided to give her some of the famous Keown patter. I like my steak rare so when she asks how I want it I says, “Just wipe its arse and throw it on the plate!”
Mighty! She just stood there and said, “Chips and veg?” So I go straight in again with another beauty, and says “Just chips – I’m on a diet!” bang, just like that. She just wrote it down but I can tell she’s dying to burst out laughing. Later when she came round to take the drinks order I says “I’ll have another Guinness. All this drinkin’s thirsty work!” Even the next table were looking round to see who had come out with that belter. Jaysus, sometimes even I don’t know where they come from. ‘I’m on a diet’! Lethal craic hi!”
Keown tried at various times to catch the waitress’s eye without success.
“She had a face like a pishmire but I could tell it was all an act. She came over to ask if everything with the meal was okay but my mouth was so full of food all I could do was shout “Mighty”, and spray my sister in the face with cheesy garlic bread”.
Plunkett again missed his chance to impress the young woman when she returned to clear the table, to find him licking his plate.
“Wemin like men with a big appetite though. She was probably impressed. And that whiskey sauce was deadly. It’s a shame I spilt so much of it over my dungarees”.
Keown saw another opportunity to make an impression when ordering the dessert.
“This one never fails. I says “I’ll have the strawberry cheesecake – the strawberries are one of my five portions a day!”Jaysus, I was laughing so hard I nearly vomited. I could hardly breathe. By this time everyone’s looking round, obviously loving it. She didn’t laugh but I think she’s probably one of them cool types that’s cracking up on the inside. That’s what it seemed like to me anyway”.
Reflecting on the evening Keown said, “I’m surprised she never asked for my number. I think she’s playing it slow. It doesn’t matter. And anyway, I don’t have a phone”. Keown is currently single and has not had a girlfriend since 2001.
Mounting Concern Over Travel Agent’s Website Claims About Tyrone
Ballygawley Play Park?
By Shengas McGlumphie
News emerged last night that the Dungannon & South Tyrone District Council are investigating over 14’000 complaints from the US relating to false or exaggerated claims about Tyrone made by independent travel agent Sperrin Travels, based in Cookstown.
Sean Keegan, owner and manager of the business which caters for the lucrative American market, is accused of creating falsehoods or embellishments based on scant knowledge of the area, which were published on the website as fact. The site boasted a whole series of attractions, including:
Ballygawley Play Park! If you like Disneyland, Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, then you’ll love Ballygawley Play Park. Experience the thrills and spills of numerous rides including the Magic Slide, Runaway Roundabout, and the Neverland Swings that even Peter Pan would love! Fairytale dreams really do come true in Ballygawley Play Park!
“Damn it to hell” said a furious Biff Masterson from America. “We’d gotten our travel booked and came all the way from the good old US of A and darn it, now our whole darned itinerary is in a pickle. Gee, this guy really needs a kick in the fanny. Our first day at Ballygawley Play Park was a god damn tragedy. A swing, a slide and a drunk man singing ‘Three Blind Mice”.
Keegan has been accused of exaggerating the truth beyond all recognition and failing to check even the most basic of facts about Tyrone and its environs:
“Sure, it’s easy done” said a shame-faced Keegan, who only recently loved to Tyrone from Dublin 6 months ago. “Who’d have thought there would be a place called Greencastle without there being a feckin’ green castle in it? No mills in Newmills – that’s just a stupid name then.”
The website also said it could organise a tour of all the likely sites of ‘the world-famous ‘Pomeroy Diamond’, a rare gemstone worth millions buried somewhere in the County that has proved as elusive and as enigmatic as the one thon old woman dropped into the sea at the end of Titanic’.
Chet Hogan, also from America, said
“Wow, seriously. This dude needs to wake up and smell the coffee already. We’ve water-boarded folks in Guantamino for less”.
The website has since been taken off-line as Keegan hastily re-writes the website, including its descriptions of Coalisland, Windmill and Washingbay.
Police Outlaw East Tyrone ‘How’s She Cuttin’ In-Car Hand Gesture
The cuttin sign
The PSNI today announced that, from June 1st 2021, anyone seen spreading their fingers out wide up against their windscreen in a ‘how’s she cuttin’ manner as they meet another motorist will have 6 points added to their licence as well as face a £300 on the spot fine.
Since cars were first used in the lowlands in 1972, motorists from Moortown down to Derrytresk have greeted each other with the ninety degree hand gesture. It is only in recent years that passengers have joined in on the greeting, making driving somewhat treacherous according to Chief Constable Kitty O’Hare:
“It’s just too dangerous. I was attending a disagreement over access to a field in Drumurrer last week and kept an eye on the amount of cars offering their greetings to the arguing farmers. One car passed by and as well as the driver and passenger giving the ‘cuttin’ sign, three children in the back leapt forward into the front to add their ‘hello’. So, there were five hands spread out over the windscreen. How can anyone drive like that? We’ll be running courses in the near future for all motorists east of Cookstown to take which will promote simply raising your finger on the steering wheel and nodding.”
Locals have reacted strongly to the news. Brocagh cat neuterer Harry Turner says he’ll not be changing.
“My father and my father’s father gave the ‘cuttin’ sign on the windscreen. I myself have used two hands if I really liked the person. The police would serve their time better out chasing the perverts down at the Washingbay watching the women bathing in the Lough.”
Constable O’Hare also suggested coming up with a new greeting and will be calling in to homes starting at Tamnamore next week.
“Think about it – ‘How’s she cuttin’ and the reply ‘rightly’ makes no sense at all. Apparently the ‘cuttin’ thing is farmer talk dating back 100 years ago when farmers would discuss how good their wives were at cutting up the potatoes. We’re suggesting it’s replaced with ‘Greetings and Salutations’, with the reply ‘Why, thank you sir’.”
Harry Turner, when asked if he’ll buy into the new language, simply said ‘away te feck’.
Coalisland In County Tyrone Accidentally Twinned With Cologne In Germany
The Island
By Shengas McGlumphie
A mix-up at the EC in Brussels resulted in Coalisland, population less than 5,000, being accidentally twinned with Cologne, Germany’s 4th largest city with a population of over 1 million.
“I suppose it was a wee touch embarrassing” admitted Des Crawford, local businessman and Chairman of the Coalisland Enterprise Trust, which sent a delegation of six to meet with the Cologne mayor and his team to celebrate the twinning. “We meant to Google Cologne beforehand when the penny might have dropped but to be fair what with all the excitement of going on a plane we forgot”.
One of the Irish contingent, Seamy Hughes, a butcher from the Island, came close to sparking a major diplomatic incident within hours of landing in the city.
“To be honest we only invited him because he said he had a good bit of the German language as he did it at school”, admitted Crawford, “So when Heinz started rabitting away in German we pushed Seamy to the front to do a bit of the German chat. Jaysus, did he not just stand there in front of yer man and yell “Vot is it you vont”, at the top of his voice in this mad German accent, followed by, ‘Vood you like to see ze papers?’ We didn’t know where to look. I thought at one stage he was going to start goose-stepping”.
Affairs took a further turn for the worse on the 4-day programme during the official exchange of gifts, with Cologne giving Coalisland a set of commemorative coins, an original piece of German artwork nearly 200 years old, and some bespoke jewellery believed to be valued at €30,000 (£25,000). In return, the Coalisland team had brought Cologne a Tyrone GAA car air freshener and some Kimberley Mikado biscuits. With the help of an interpreter, relations improved on the second evening over several glasses of Reisling.
“It was a bit of craic, and they were bangin’ on about all these famous boys that came from Cologne, including some composer, Beethoven”, said Crawford. “So they’re saying about how proud they are of their Beethoven boy and we just sat there and said two words – ‘Dennis’ and ‘Taylor’. Aw, you should have seen their faces. Total silence! They never knew Dennis came from the Island see. They had no idea. We trumped them there boys! Deadly!”
Exchanging information on the relative merits of Coalisland and Cologne presented no issues for the Island team, according to Crawford.
“Jaysus they were going on about their ‘40 museums’ this and their ‘Cologne Cathedral’ that. It all pales into insignificance when you see thon new Newell’s Stores in the Island. It’s a belter. Did you know they even sell parmesan cheese? Unbelievable. It knocks themuns and all their fancy Cologne boutiques into a cocked hat, I’ll tell ye that”.
Cologne
Ardboe Man Denies Attending Irish Cup Final. Man ‘Bit Like Him’ Caught By TV Cameras
Alleged video capture of McGraw at Windsor
An old Ardboe republican, John Joe McGraw (82), has denied attending the Irish Cup final between Cliftonville and Glentoran and was instead, according to him, trying to court on old widow from Windmill he has been chasing since 1957. Rumours began to spread early yesterday evening that McGraw had been spotted on BBC sitting amongst the Glentoran supporters ‘laughing his head off’ as they sang songs about the Queen and East Belfast. McGraw was quick to deny the accusations:
“What the hell would I be doing at Windsor Park and me from Ardboe? If there was a soccer match in my garden I’d take the air rifle out and burst the ball. I know exactly where I was yesterday. Mrs Coney was hanging her briefs on the line as it was a quare day for the drying. I spotted her and made a beeline for her house, fixing my hair with a bit of spit. She was on my knee by the time of the Angelus. I knew her deceased husband – as miserable a hoor you’d ever have met. Anyway, have you seen the supposed man I was meant to be on Tv? Sure he’s from Turkey or something.”
A 1950s border campaign comrade remains skeptical. Peter Pollock, an 88 year old retired widower, is sure he saw McGraw during a break in play in the second half:
“To put it finely, he’s talking bollocks. I saw him laughing his head clean off during a rendition of God Save The Queen. Then in the second half he was clapping away as the Glentoran supporters sang something about the Pride of East Belfast. He’s some boy. See that story about Mrs Coney – a lie. He’s been chasing her since ’57, even after oul Mick Coney married her. She’s not interested. I know. I tackled her at Christmas up in the Windmill. What took him to Windsor I’ll never know. Peace process gone mad.”
Glentoran Supporters’ Club have refused to confirm McGraw was part of their Green Army that day but do admit the presence of a man in their end of the ground who ate eels in a bap at half time.
Tyrone To Enter Guinness Book Of Records On Two Fronts Today
Tattyreagh Tart
County Tyrone is set to see its name added to the famous fact collection book today, not once but twice, if all goes to plan within the next few hours. The first prospective entrant concerns the horse ‘Tattyreagh Tart’ which entered the Grand National on April 6th. As a 200-1 outsider, Tattyreagh Tart wasn’t expected to feature in the shake-up and lived up to expectations after it stopped before the first fence to size it up before jumping after 45 mins of deliberation. Unfortunately that turned out to be the quickest attempt at a fence to date. 19 days later and Tattyreagh Tart is still running, or thinking rather. With one fence left to jump, Susie McGee’s horse is expected to finish the race some time today. The McGee family are at Aintree, alone, in the stands:
“It’ll be an emotional day. 19 days is a long time to finish a race but she’s a stubborn wee mare. Full credit does to jockey Michael Kelly from Drumragh who has remained on the girl all that time, eating and sleeping at opportune times. To get into the Book of Records is a bonus. She’s just a bit too much of a thinker. The run-in should be straight forward though Tattyreagh Tart has a habit of running sidewards so it might be a couple of hours yet.”
The second record-breaking event concerns a stand off at the mini-roundabout in Coalisland on the road out to Dungannon. At approximately 7pm yesterday evening, three cars arrived at the junction simultaneously, one coming from Edendork, one from Coalisland and one from the third road coming from the M1. By coincidence, all three drivers recently passed their full driving test, meaning they’re adhering strictly to the rules which state “give priority to traffic approaching from your right”. As all three wait for the traffic to their right to move, a stand-off has occurred which has now run into its 15th hour. Access in and out of Coalisland has been difficult with 122 incidences of road rage reported. The World Record is 17 hours of a standstill at a roundabout. Rumours suggest that Helena Thornton, driving a mini and coming from the Dungannon Road, may take a chance and make a mad dash for it.
Castlederg Man Comes Back From Weekend In New York With Thick American Accent
Castlederg, outside Deeney’s house
By Sheangas McGlumphie
A Castlederg man who spent a weekend on holiday in New York returned to his home in Kilclean Road with a virtually incomprehensible American accent, much to the annoyance of his friends and family. 24 year old Brendan Deeney went out to join his brother Declan who lives in Bayridge, Brooklyn, to help his brother celebrate his stag weekend in Manhattan, New York City, over three days. He returned on Monday with what appeared to be a strong American accent.
“Aw men, what accent?” asked a puzzled Deeney. “Seriously, what is it with these guys? I got home Saturday from an awesome time with my bro in NY. I mean, it was a cool party an’ all, but then as soon as I got back my mom was on my case from the get-go. I mean, enough already”.
“He’s a feckin’ idiot” said his mother, Aileen Deeney, clearly irritated by the whole episode.
“He’s never been further than the other side of Enniskillen, and now he’s waltzing around the place like he’s Tom Cruise or Van Morrison or Bill Gates or something. He came down from his room on Tuesday saying he wanted a bag of ‘potato chips’. Potato chips! I’ll give him feckin’ potato chips all right, right in his feckin’ American piehole”.
Deeney confirmed his mother had appeared unhappy with his behaviour.
“Yeah, mom was freakin’ out and I was like, ‘hey mom, that’s totally not cool’, but she was like ‘talk to the hand’. I mean seriously”.
Deeney fared no better when spending the following Saturday evening with his friends in McHale’s pub in Castlederg.
“I went out to the bar to hang out and shoot the breeze with my homies and it was even worse, can you believe that shit? I went to the john and when I came back they were all laughing an’ all an’ takin’ the crap out of me. These guys really got on my tooshie. What’s changed? Nuthin’s changed. I’m still the same Joe Blow I always was”.
Deeney said that he intends to go with his friends to the “soccer next Saturday but might take a rain check”. His friends have confirmed that if he still has the accent by this weekend they will “kick his ass all the way to Fintona. Period”.
Kildress Man Has Operation On Appendix. Given Sex-Change By Accident, Or So He Says.
McGurk, Portrush Harbour
A Kildress labourer got the shock of his life yesterday after he emerged from three hours of intensive surgery to remove his appendix, or so he says. Anton McGurk booked himself in for his appendix operation after complaining of a burning sensation near his belly button for the guts of three months. An hour after the operation he got up to go to the toilet but found himself walking into the women’s cubicle instinctively.
“Flip, I wasn’t expecting that. The appendix were giving me awful jip. I told my family and friends all about it beforehand and to give me a bit of space when I came out because my sides would be sore. Little did I know I’d be emerging with a pair of breasts, no yoke, longer eyelashes and a new name, Dympna. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but I suppose you just have to get on with it like. The doctor apologised to me in private and I’m happy with that.”
Anton Dympna McGurk’s brother Leon remains sceptical:
“Appendix my arse. Our Anton always loved dressing up as a youngster in high heels and stuffed bras. Sure last week I caught him trying to parallel park and it took him 12 minutes. He multi-tasks like hell too. On Christmas day he made the dinner, fed and washed the young’uns, hoovered, greeted the guests and did the fire all within half an hour. No man can do that sure. Also, he always called his toy cars girly names and I’m nearly sure his last monster truck was named Dympna too. The appendix is a smokescreen. Kildress is not ready for this yet.”
Anton/Dympna’s parents have refused to comment but it was reported that his father keeps shaking his head and saying things like ‘holy jaysus boys’ in a whispery voice. Dympna refutes allegations that the appendix was a cover for a planned sex-change:
“Not at all. People will speculate but I know I never expected to be wearing a lovely bright blue tie front floral beach dress right now. I’m not sure what handbag goes with it but I rather like the Designer Dark Turquoise Leather Applique Button Purse. It’s gorgeous.”
More Dogs Than People In Coalisland For First Time. May Stand For Election.
Dog in Landis earlier
For the first time in the history of the town, or from records started in 1944, Coalisland has more dogs than people, sparking fears of a canine takeover at any moment. The current population in the town is 4701, with the dog count approaching 5000 excluding dogs that spend more of their time touring up around Brackaville which itself has a serious dog problem on the horizon. Locals in “The ‘Island” have long been complaining at the sheer volume of stray collies and labradors running amok through the pubs and barbers as well as sitting up in seats in the cafes and take-away sit-ins eating sausages or chips. Local councillor Marnie Lyons is not at all shocked at today’s figures:
“Not surprised in the slightest. It seems that as soon as you hit 65 you get a dog. Those bitches have pups and the oul people just let the offspring run around the roads fending for themselves. Two years ago I was unable to drive down the Lineside as a gang of golden retrievers had blocked the road passing bones and ridin each other. It was a fearsome sight. I reversed before they surrounded the car. I fear for the future. The book Animal Farm we read at St Joes warned that this might happen. The police are doing nothing about it too. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them dogs were working for the PSNI, spying and stuff.”
Brackaville residents are monitoring the situation closely as well as finding ways to cope with their own dog-related problems. Golfer Malachy Herron told us:
“Our hearts go out to the human race in The Island who are now in the minority. We in Brackaville still hold the upper hand by chasing them out to Newmills or Donaghmore but we have our own worries. Whereas the Coalisland dogs appear to be mostly toilet trained, our mutts are soiling all over the place. I was at Mass on Sunday and noticed how everyone was wearing wellingtons in order to wade through the droppings. Some wemen had nose pegs. We’re swimming in the stuff here. It’s man v dog from now on I say.”
The traditional Sinn Fein constituency are preparing themselves for a battle to retain control of the town after it emerged that 1003 people voted for a mysterious Rufus Hound in the last election.
Derrylaughan Caught Training Lough Neagh Midges In Cramped Conditions
The Midge Army
Rumours of skulduggery in Derrylaughan were finally confirmed tonight as a police raid uncovered a midge-training camp on the shores of Lough Neagh. Neighbouring townlands had long suspected something untoward was going on down at the Washingbay, especially when it came to taking on the Kevin Barry’s football team in their patch. The PSNI pounced upon a disused barn at the corner and on kicking the door down found an estimated 900’000 midges being put through their paces by older members of the GAA club. Constable Molloy explained:
“We’d been receiving these complaints for years that the midges down there were attacking opposition players and supporters during games yet strangely none of the home crowd. We always put it down to the locals there having a distinctive odour which naturally repelled the creatures. Well, it turns out that things are much more sinister than that. We uncovered an evil training regime where the midges, living in what can be described as inhumane conditions, were being cajoled into attacking members of the opposition. This was achieved by watching videos of opposing players and making the midges fly straight into the TV screen by rubbing the screen with fish oil. Come match day and the tired and emotional midges were automatically biting away at the opposition in their colours.”
Further investigations were underway regarding the deployment of the bigger flies experienced down there, locally called the ‘pollan fly’, named after the fish distinctive to the Lough. Early signs indicate that special fertiliser was being used to make them bigger, offering the locals a quick, free and relatively tasty snack during these times of high unemployment and near-poverty.
“Yes, it appears that they’ve been getting the pollan flies to eat steroids. That’s why they’re so big this year and scaring non-locals from the area. The Derrylaughan folk have taken to eating the flies as a filler between meals. We’ve no qualms about their entrepreneurialship but we’ll have to start taxing them. You can’t just get food for free. It’ll kill businesses like Falls’ Shop or Springisland. I’ve seen lads freewheeling down hills with their mouths open, getting a bellyful of pollan flies instead of a wholesome meal at home. It cannot be good for you in the long term.”
Five Midges’ Rights activists will protest tomorrow night at the Washingbay against the cruel captivity of nearly a million midges. Reports this morning also suggest that a renegade group of midges have broken away and are causing havoc elsewhere.
Residents Of Augher And Clogher Set To End Centuries Of Strife At Last
Typical brawl between Augher/Clogher residents
By Staff Reporter Sheangas McGlumphie
The residents of Augher and Clogher are to meet tonight to celebrate putting the past behind them and ending centuries of rivalry, taunting and name-calling.
“We’re finally putting to bed all those old-fashioned notions that we don’t get on”, said Michael Lagan from Derrycloony Road in Augher.” It’s just fiction, out of date and untrue, spread about by eejits with nothing else to do. Personally I can’t wait to meet up tonight with the Clogher folks. Even the odd looking ones. It’s going to be great. And even better if they can stop banging on about their Cathedral. Jaysus”.
The ‘Putting the Past Behind Us’ community gathering this evening will take place in the relatively neutral venue of the Eskra Community Centre. The original title was to be ‘The Augher & Clogher Get-Togogher’ but the two groups were unable to agree on whether it was ‘Augher & Clogher’ or ‘Clogher & Augher’.
“Sure, it doesn’t matter does it?” said Joanne McElhatton of Fintona Road in Clogher. “What matters is having mutual respect for one another. And Augher people are no longer a shower of savages. Not that they ever were of course. Well, some people might say that but not me. Definitely not. That would be an insult”.
Augher inhabitants expecting to attend the event this evening were equally magnanimous.
“Name-calling is a thing of the past”, said Michelle McVeigh of Irish Street in Augher. “Both villages are coming together in a show of strength and solidarity, and I salute the tolerance of Clogher village. It can’t be easy when you’ve lived in a cave for most of your life”. She continued, “It’s simply not true that we don’t get on. This display of unity will show the world that we’re just one big family. They’re a unique bunch Clogher, and to be fair they’ve never allowed delusions of their own adequacy to hold them back. They can hardly be held responsible for looking like victims of an industrial accident can they? It’ll be great craic hi”.
McElhatton agreed. “I’m really looking forward to it. It’s a great show of commitment that the Augher crowd are willing to get out of the village and travel to Eskra. That’s a long way to walk wearing clogs”.
Proceedings starts at 7.30pm. Police are expected to be in attendance.
Benburb Man Develops ‘Craic Index’ iPhone App
Reported Benburb inventor
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Local man Francis Hagan from Benburb held a press conference yesterday to launch a new iPhone application that will put an end to tales of wildly exaggerated nights out.
“People were doing my head in saying that the craic was 90 when I knew damn well it was nothing of the sort. That’s when I had my Eureka moment. Why not develop an app that proves what the craic was really like? See, there’s only ever been one level and that’s 90. That’s where my app comes in – if it says that the craic in the pub last night was 30, let’s not beat around the bush. It means it was shite. Nice and simple”.
Once activated the app detects the level of laughter, hysteria, sobbing, fighting and so on in the immediate vicinity, which it then converts into an index, based approximately on the following:
|
Quality of Craic |
App ‘Craic Index’ |
|
Tara |
“The craic’s 10” |
|
Cat |
“The craic’s 20” |
|
Hames |
“The craic’s 30” |
|
Handy |
“The craic’s 40” |
|
Quare |
“The craic’s 50” |
|
Grand |
“The craic’s 60” |
|
Mighty |
“The craic’s 70” |
|
Class |
“The craic’s 80” |
|
Deadly |
“The craic’s 90” |
Hagan expects to refine the index further still.
“If some boyo were to say to you that the craic was 70.32 last night, you’ll know exactly what it was like, dead vivid and everything. Almost like you were there”. He admits the app needs more testing. “I tried to produce a result where the craic was 100. Jaysus. The house nearly disappeared into a parallel universe. It’s an impossibility due to a scientific paradox or something. These are unchartered waters I’m sailing in. You can’t mess with the natural order of things. Craic can’t be higher than 90. It just can’t. I won’t try that again. I might get sucked into a buckin black hole”.
Hagan says that other apps are in development, including a ‘Foundered Index’ for how cold someone is, and a ‘Bottle Index’ for how slippery roads are.
The current app will cost £1.99. Journalists who were given it to test reported that the craic at the press conference was 20.
Bold Plan To Bring Formula 1 Racing To Dungannon In 2015
Artist’s impression of F1 in White City
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Dungannon unveiled its plans yesterday to bring Formula 1 motor racing to Dungannon in two years time, which if successful could bring £150m in ticket sales and associated merchandising into the area. The bid, led by local councillor and full-time delusionist Declan Brady, includes two options for the FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, to consider, the first of which is a Monaco-style course around the local streets of Dungannon.
“That was my idea” said Brady. “Why not do it like they do in Monaco and showcase the very best of Dungannon? It’ll start outside Argos in Ballygawley Road, up round to the hospital, past the roundabout with the big butterflies, and down Scotch Street. Having said that Monaco must be a quiet wee town. There’s never any other cars around during the racing. Scotch Street is always heaving at the weekend so them racer boys would have to take it handy during Saturday qualifying”.
The second option is for the course to be run around the Tesco car park.
“They can use the Ulsterbus depot across the road for the pit stops. I’m sure the bus drivers would lend a few car jacks and spanners to help out. We’ve already proved we have the infrastructure in County Tyrone to do this. Did you see the ‘Thrills in the Hills’ go-karting in Pomeroy last year? Class. Wait till Bernie Eccleston reads that in the bid. Formula 1 is really just the same, only noisier”, claimed Brady.
The committee has laid out a detailed proposal which includes:
- Recruiting starting grid ‘dolly birds’ from the Granville community centre Zumba class that’s held on a Tuesday night
- Widening the Blackwater to allow drivers to sail their super yachts up into Dungannon Park lake
- Asking Newell Stores to give 10% off sandwiches for all racing teams
- Converting the roof of Sainsbury’s into a helipad
- Free car wash for all race cars
- Flattening out all the hills in Dungannon
The 5 page bid was sent last night by fax to Kwik Fit, with the request it be forwarded to Bernie Eccleston.
Loughmacrory To Clamp Down On Locals With Their Tongues Hanging Out
Look – there it is!
The Loughmacrory and District Tourism Committee have issued a warning to all residents that people caught with their tongues hanging out whilst concentrating on something will be named and shamed in the parish bulletin every weekend until they stop it. Stating its negative impact on the image of the area, committee chairperson Sally O’Brien highlighted the extent of the epidemic in all aspects of life:
“I’d been noticing a lot of it lately. Even the priest had his tongue hanging out yesterday whilst washing the chalice. Myself and vice chairman Bernard visited the local primary school last week and were shocked to see how bad it had become. The P2 class were doing some sums and every one of them had their tongues hanging out whilst scribbling away. And the sums weren’t all that difficult. What’ll they look like when they move on to long division. To be fair, their teacher wasn’t much of a role model. Her tongue was also hanging out marking them.”
The tongue affair is not restricted to the young. O’Brien described the scene at last week’s Loughmacrory game against Dregish:
“We scored 1-11 last week in the win but I counted that 1-8 of those were down to the opposition rolling around laughing at the tongues hanging out of our players as soon as we’d a chance to score. We don’t want to win the league or championship because of our tongues. If we make it into the Ulster Championship it’ll be picked up by the TV and where’ll we be then? Mickey McGee needs to curb this epidemic now! Someone’s going to lose a tongue.”
O’Brien is realistic about the time scale for change and of certain scenarios that might be beyond repair:
“This’ll take time. People in Loughmacrory have concentrated in this manner for centuries. I also realise that young lads in Sally’s will find it hard to concentrate on their dancing without their tongues hanging out, especially with the drink in them. They have to impress the women with the dancing and if their tongues are dangling out then that’s just collateral damage.”
The Loughmacrory and District Tourism Committee aim to start monitoring motorists doing hard parking next weekend in an effort to curb the tongue problem.
Brackaville Plumber On Strike Until Wife Stops Spending All The Money In Newell Stores
A likely scenario in Brackaville today
A Brackaville plumber, John McCann, has downed his tools and embarked on a 7-day strike until his wife stops spending their money on ‘stupid things’ in the new Newell Stores in Coalisland. The self-employed 59-year old also hit out at customers who say they’ll pay him the next day they see him and then duck for cover for up to a year afterwards. McCann denies he’s having a meltdown and prefers to say he’s taking a stand on a range of matters:
“That bloody woman. I go out and do a job, get a lock of pounds, throw it on the table, jump in the shower and come down only to find she has disappeared. On returning she’d have bought something stupid like screw bulbs or AAA batteries that were on offer in the Newell Stores even though we’re not short of them. I’m sick of it. That new shop will ruin us. All they have to do is slap a £1 sticker on something and it’ll end up on our table. Like, five Turkish Delight yesterday. Who the hell eats that? I’m officially on strike now. We’ll see how she likes that.”
McCann also hit out at the miserly nature of the majority of his customers in the greater Coalisland area:
“That’s another thing. You’d get an emergency call to fix a burst pipe and I’m there in minutes. On finishing the job you’ll see the customer patting the front of his trousers and then the back pockets and you know what’s coming. He’ll say he has nothing on him at the minute but that someone will throw a few pounds down to the house later on. For the next twelve months i’ll see them in the distance walking around the town. As soon as they set eyes on me they’ll throw themselves into the first pub or shop they see. I did nine jobs this week and got paid for one, and even that was a fiver a Coalisland pensioner threw me for installing a new shower. A fiver! I don’t care if every house in Brackaville and the ‘Island is flooded next week as I’m not answering the phone.”
Worried locals are considering a benefit concert for McCann to get him back to work but have warned professional musicians that they’ll be getting paid with ‘those wee sticks for lighting the fire’ and that any money made from the concert will not necessarily go directly to McCann.
Hairy Tyrone Women – The World’s Most Desirable In 2013
Tyrone woman at the Washingbay sports
The world famous Cosmopolitan magazine have announced plans to scour county Tyrone in preparation a four-page article they’re doing on the latest world craze of hairy women. Italian fashion guru Matteo Cambi, who has long championed the return of hairy women on the Mediterranean catwalks, last week announced that hairy women are now in style and are being sought after for perfume and négligée adverts as well as major film roles across the continent. The good news didn’t stop there for local women as Spielberg announced he will be seeking naturally hairy women for his next blockbuster as opposed to those women who have just recently decided to not shave as the former would be more comfortable in their own skin during key tense scenes. Sources say he will arrive in Derrylaughan this weekend.
Personal agent Terry McNeill revealed that Tyrone may now become a hotspot for the multi-millionaire playboys looking for celebrity girlfriends:
“This is class news altogether. We all know how Tyrone women were never afraid to strut their stuff au naturale. Now the naturally hairy women have been finally rewarded with much-deserved recognition. This is a big two fingers to Gillette and Wilkinson Sword Quattro and the Derry women who used them. We’re proud of our hairy women and now we’ll have some job holding on to them it seems.”
Spielberg has identified the type of girl he is after in great detail. Features such as naturally bushy eyebrows, slight upper lip shadow and a healthly hairy neck are high on his list. Visible hairy legs are a must, with those possessing hairs on the back of their hands the probable highest earners. Jackie Devlin from Tattyreagh says it is the best news she has heard in years:
“I always had a notion Colin Farrell needed a real woman, someone who’ll not be sharing his shaving gel or running down the battery on his dry shaver. Jaysus, I can’t wait til get stuck into boys like Clint Eastwood. I’ll make his day, every day.”
Gortin Announce Radical Discipline Measures For Misbehaving Children
Typical Gortin youngster
The Gortin Pensioners’ Society (GPS) today declared that children nowadays ‘don’t know they’re born’ and recommended that parents adopt a zero tolerance approach to discipline starting tonight at bath time. The 6 month-long study, which included questionnaires and spying through windows, concluded that if things didn’t change then we’d be left with ‘a generation of lazy shites’. GPS chairman Liam Coyle told us:
“I have a grandson of my own and he’s 14. As part of my research, I gave him a broom last week to sweep out the yard. Minutes later I caught him googling ‘how to work a broom’ on his phone. When I was 14 I was out setting ramparts alight, siphoning diesel between motors, holding my grandfather up for him to do his toilet business, reading Latin epics, dancing the Waves of Tory in the garden with my aunties, gathering hay to throw over our beds at night and betting on or participating in organised bare knuckle fighting with cousins – all in one evening. These children don’t know they’re born, whatever that means.”
The study recommended that new measures are to be activated tonight with all Gortin children under the age of 8 to be bathed in a metal tub with a wire brush and some baking soda. Coyle warned of spontaneous spot checks:
“From Saturday night we will be calling in unannounced on random homes in the greater Gortin area. If we find children sitting in rooms playing iPads, DSs, CDs or Skyping, they’ll be ordered out of the house and given a spade with the instructions of digging a hole until we say stop. We have the full backing of the parents.”
Meanwhile Plumbridge Mayoress Kitty Lyons said they’re monitoring the Gortin situation closely and will act swiftly if results are positive in their neighbouring village.
“We need to grab the bull by the horns. There’s no better feeling than giving a lad a skite around the back of the ears for next to nothing – just sort of to let them know you’re older and stronger.”
Tyrone Tribulations 