Blog Archives
Rumours Rife Of Bad Boys From Carrickmore On Santa List
Rumours sweeping the county this morning suggest that Santa Claus is contemplating bypassing Carrickmore completely after a disgruntled elf leaked the bad list on his ElfLeak website.
If true, this is not the first time a Tyrone village has been affected by questionable behaviour. In 1964 Pomeroy was completely ignored by the Clauses after a wrecking session in the AOH Hall outside the Diamond when the Plunketts won the Junior Championship.
The disgruntled Elf, ‘Charlie’, leaked the list after he was told he wouldn’t be on the sleigh again on Christmas Eve – the 32nd consecutive year he’d have to sit it out. 39 names from Ireland were on the supposed naughty list; 31 from Carrickmore, 6 from Dublin and 2 from Keady. Charlie was clear as to why Carrickmore were badly hit:
“After they went out of the championship to Clonoe early on we expected a small bit of messing but they wrecked about for the guts of two weeks. Broken lamp posts, men falling into hedges and shouting at the children were the main offences. Of the 31 on the list, 24 are squad members, 6 uncles of players, and the parish priest. Mr Claus was rubbing his hands at the thought of not having to go up the Termon Road the year.”
Meanwhile, Ballygawley Roundabout spokesperson Sheila Bryans has reminded Santa of the need to adhere to road etiquette at all times:
“We’re sick of the Clauses leaving the roundabout in tatters every year. He just goes straight through the middle of it and leaves the bushes in s***e. One more time, and we’ll be waiting on him next year. And yes, that is a threat.”
North Pole PR secretary promised to be more careful this year but blamed Ardboe residents for leaving whiskey out for the reindeer every year.
Recently Discovered Volcano Under Pomeroy Met With Indifference By Locals
Artist’s impression of post-eruption Pomeroy
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
News emerged yesterday of an active volcano sitting underneath the village of Pomeroy which could erupt at any moment, endangering the lives of thousands.
Pomeroy, Northern Ireland’s highest village, was long-considered to be sitting on the side of what was recently described in the 2013 Irish Journal of Geological Sciences as ‘a fecking big hill’. However, local expert seismologist Dr Kieran Duffy from Ardboe has confirmed that it is indeed actually a volcano which is currently active, and that it could erupt at any time.
“Aye that’s right”, said Duffy. “That volcano’s deadly active boys, and it could erupt at any time. Ghost oh”.
If the volcano does erupt, it is anticipated it could send out an estimated 100,000 tons of rock and ash up to two miles into the earth’s atmosphere, destroying everything within a 30 mile radius in an apocalyptic event not seen on the planet for over 1,000 years.
“I’ve just put a washing out”, complained Kitty Donnelly of Loughbracken Road. “It’s a damned nuisance. If there’s any soot gets on my smalls there’ll be hell to pay. When’s it supposed to erupt? It’s such a good drying day too. Where’s Barry McElduff’s phone number?”
Meantime, there have been reports of panic-buying of marshmallows from Mace, whilst sales of toasting forks in the area have reached an all time high.
Pomeroy Village Council chairman Danny Devlin, said,
“To be honest, we were a bit relaxed about the whole thing. We thought ‘Volcano’ was the name of a pizza with thon wee spicy green yolks on it, out the Fairhill Diner on main street. Now we’re up to speed, if there’s an eruption we’re determined not to make a hames of it. We’ve put a big bucket of water on the corner of the Diamond, and we’ve already started an appeal for oven gloves in case things get too warm. Maybe we should get a wee bag of sand too to be on the safe side. That should do it”.
The volcano has already been dubbed ‘The Broll-cano’, owing to its potential to erupt without warning and for no discernible reason.
Ardboe locals have also moved to reassure Pomeranians that Dr Duffy is clean mad and wasn’t a real doctor of volcanoes. He also predicted an apocalyptic man-eating eel invasion in 2005.
PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses
PSNI tightening up
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.
Anger As Giro d’Italia Comes To Ireland, But Not Pomeroy Or Drumquin
Cyclist’s nightmare?
Pomeroy, and its famed mountains, was said tonight to be ‘livid’ as news of the route for the Giro d’Italia was released today with Belfast, the Glens of Antrim and Armagh the designated stages. The Italian Quarter in Cappagh are also said to be a bit ‘miffed’, having bought in a lorryload of ice cream for the occasion.
There will be three stages to the race – a 22 km time trial around Belfast, a loop around the north coast and a cross border final stage, with Drumquin also sensationally snubbed despite them even having a song about their hills too.
Patsy Devlin, a cycling enthusiast from Pomeroy, summed up the feelings of his disappointed home-place:
“Some shower. Are they afeard to tackle our mountains? They think they’re deadly climbing the Alps and all but that’s a doddle compared to Grimes’ Hillock or Kavanagh’s Mound. I’d like to see Bradley Wiggles attempt Sigerson’s Hump with buck goats darting at you from both sides or trying to negotiate a spontaneous Philomena Begley concert half way up Cavanakeeran. Wimps. Buckin wimps.”
Drumquin’s Tessie Hurson also couldn’t contain her anger:
“We’re furious. When we heard the Giro was coming here we were sure Drumquin would be first on the list. We even painted the roads with motivational slogans like ‘Keep er lit’, ‘Shoe to the burd’ and ‘Suckin Diesel’. I’ve no doubt the words of The Hills Above Drumquin have put these pansies off: “This life is sad and dreary, and the task of it is sore, My feet are growing weary, I may never wander more;”
Meanwhile, Slieve Gallion locals have welcomed news of the route with Johnny Irwin claiming they never wanted a pile of nosey-parkers sniffing around their braes as “there’s things going on in them there mountains that no one needs to know about” before winking and walking off, smelling of potatoes, malted barley and diesel.
Soaring Cost Of Fuel Sees People Try New Ways To Travel In Tyrone
McSherry headin to work
The recent spike in petrol and diesel costs have witnessed new and mostly unsuccessful ways to travel from A to B in the county. Just last week, our cameras witnessed one man from Coalisland spend £120 filling his Datsun Sunny before pushing his motor into Roughan Lough in disgust. Jackie Carr, a 70 year old plasterer, almost made his way to do a job in Donaghmore later in the day using an inventive mode of transport:
“I’m not spending any more of my dole/work money on petrol but I’m too old to walk any distance. So I got an old ironing board and tied two hungry labradors to the front of it. I then asked my grandson to run ahead of the dogs with a couple of raw rump steaks hanging out of his back pockets whilst I sat on the ironing board. We got as far as Newmills before the dogs caught up with the lad and near ate the arse clane off him. To be honest the ironing board was in bad shape by then anyway. The sparks were annoying motorists behind. Back to the drawing board for me.”
Other unsuccessful attempts to avoid the rising cost of fuel saw a teacher from Augher jump the whole distance to Fivemiletown until exhaustion set in halfway down Clogher Main Street and a sales rep from Glenelly float in a bucket down the Glenelly River to his office in Plumbridge before being capsized by a big shoal of salmon.
The rising number of horses parked outside the Ulster Herald offices in Omagh suggests all is not lost. One journalists, nicknamed ‘McSherry’, said he’s never felt freer:
“I rent a mare from a boy in Stewartstown and it’s working out rightly. There’s no better feeling than galloping through Pomeroy and Carrickmore with the wind in yer hair and my laptop flung over me shoulder, sticking two fingers up at the motorists and their dear diesel. Picking up the manure is a bit of a handlin but sure it’s swings and roundabouts. I think it’s a horse anyway.”
Wave Of Anger Over Brolly Comments To Be Turned Into Renewable Energy
Portable Generator
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone GAA fans could be hooked up to wind turbines in an effort to harness the tidal wave of energy in the county created over the comments made by Joe Brolly, the former player and RTE commentator.
Drumnakilly professor of science and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill, said,
“After having observed the gnashing of the teeth, tearing of clothes, frantic text messaging and general wreckin’ about of the typical Tyrone fan brought on by the mere thought of yer man Brolly, I thought to myself, these boys could do wonders if we plugged them into the national grid”.
The negative comments made by Brolly following Tyrone’s quarter-final win against Monaghan brought forth a backlash of anger and resentment amongst Tyrone residents not seen since 1975, when Philomena reached only number 5 in the Irish Charts with Blanket on The Ground.
O’Neill found a way of tapping into the enormous outpouring of fury and anger following Brolly’s comments made about the playing style of Sean Cavanagh during the quarter-final Monaghan v Tyrone match two weeks ago.
“It’s quite straightforward”, said Drumnakilly scientist and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill. “We gaffa-taped a volunteer Tyrone fan from Kildress to a portable generator, showed him a picture of Joe Brolly, and Jaysus, you should have watched the feckin’ thing go. It was generating so much power I thought at one point we were going to go back in time. It nearly melted. There’s nothing more dangerous than an avenged Tyrone fan”.
The Tyrone fan used for the experiment, life-long Tyrone supporter Mark Carlin, a 27 year old hand washer from Tullyallen, said,
“I wasn’t sure at first, especially when they told me where they wanted to stick the adapter to connect me to the generator. But once it was all set up and I saw a picture of that miserable oul’ bollix, I could just feel myself getting the rage, and hey presto, within minutes I had produced enough electricity to watch a whole episode of The Weakest Link. Class”.
Since hooking himself up to the portable generator in his home, Carlin reported that he has managed to make himself toast, boil some spuds, and record Wife Swap, all powered from his own physical convulsions brought on at the mention of Brolly.
O’Neill predicts that one Tyrone fan watching the You Tube clip of Brolly on a continuous loop could power Newmills for a month, whilst a personal appearance by Brolly in the County could keep Pomeroy in electric light for up to a year.
A picture of Jarlath Burns was also tried out but that only made the housewives swoon.
Tyrone News In Brief – July 2013 – O’Driscoll/Snowden/Pomeroy
O’DRISCOLL AND MULLIGAN DROWN SORROWS TOGETHER
Brian – not in deadly form
It emerged this morning that Brian O’Driscoll immediately Skyped Owen Mulligan in Cookstown after hearing he had been dropped from the Lions side to face Australia in the final test. Needing to find comfort in the aftermath of his devastating news, O’Driscoll quickly contacted Mulligan over the Internet and they reportedly drank the night away sharing stories of heartbreak before breaking into a few songs. A source close to Mulligan told us:
“Jaysus Mugsy had some head on him this morning. Apparently they both ran out of liquor at about 3am our time so O’Driscoll told him to drink some oul water that Owen had been cleaning his paint brushes in whilst the Dub quaffed fermented coconut milk. I could hear the whole thing. They were crying at one stage, calling their managers all the names of the day before I heard O’Driscoll break into Dirty Old Town followed by Mugsy’s rendition of Horse It Into Ye Cynthia. It seemed liked great craic. It turned sour at the end though and they effed each other off before calling it a day.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN TO SEEK ASYLUM IN DUNGANNON
Edward Snowden, the US National Security Agency whistleblower, has been offered asylum in Dungannon today, possibly around the White City area of the town. Deputy Lord Mayoress Jane Hurson confirmed that he’d be welcome in Dungannon as long as he abides by a couple of rules:
“Yes, we’re happy to nip in in front of them Koreans, Bolivians or Ecuadorians. Dungannon is a safe haven for boys like Snowden but he’ll have to abide by a couple of conditions. Firstly, he must spend all his money in local shops and not be buying stuff over the Internet. Secondly, he’s not allowed to use his whistleblowing skills in the White City as regards families doing the double, claiming for DLA or dirty diesel. If he does he’ll get some kicking from me.”
Hagan’s Bar have already planned a ‘Snowden Night’ theme with people asked to dress up as spies or Americans or simply bring whistles.
POMEROY IS JUST A BIG SPEED BUMP BETWEEN STEWARTSTOWN AND CARRICKMORE
Under the 100 year document release policy, the Tyrone Council have revealed that Pomeroy was originally built to slow down horses and carts ‘flying’ between Stewartstown and Carrickmore as well as Cookstown to Beragh. Pomeroy burglar Kevin Og Devlin was not impressed:
“It all makes sense now. We thought people were slowing down to take in the majestic views or to marvel at the architecture of the Credit Union, the Medical Hall, the bookies or the vets. Turns out not a bit of it. They’re just slowing down so that the suspension doesn’t wreck itself. You don’t know how bad we feel today to be a glorified speed bump. Well, feck them. We’re blocking off the Termon Road, Tandragee Road, Edendoit Road and the Pomeroy Road for a fortnight. That’ll learn them.”
Pomeroy Frantically ‘Doing Itself Up’ As It Prepares For Triumphant Andrea’s Return
Pomeroy Clean-Up Begins
By Shengas McGlumphie
The village of Pomeroy spent much of Sunday in a state of panic as it prepares itself for the much-awaited return of local singing sensation Andrea Begley, who won BBC’s ‘The Voice’ on Saturday night. After an emergency meeting of the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC), a clearly-flustered Chairman Danny Devlin said,
“Jaysus, we’re sweating like Hugo on Mastermind. We’re expecting Andrea back soon and we’ve nothing ready. Not even sandwiches. What if she turns up this afternoon with all the cameras and there are no sandwiches?”
It emerged that the PVC spent much of Sunday trying to get hold of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen on the phone to ask if he could give the village ‘a quick makeover’. As Devlin explained,
“If that big floppy-haired bollix or thon Smillie woman can come along to give the place a wee tidy-up that would help. We’d expect a big crowd of people for Andrea and we could ask the BBC if they could CGI out all the odd-looking ones. We don’t want people thinking Halloween’s come early. Fortunately we’ve some of the bunting left over from the time Dermott O’Gara from Altmore won £50 on a scratch card in Costcutter’s in 2008, so that might improve the look of the place”.
Several local residents have queried the whereabouts of a much-touted open-topped bus which the PVC spent £10,000 on only a few weeks ago.
“It’s a touch embarrassing”, said a sheepish Devlin. “We bought this fancy open-topped bus from Carrickmore. They got it as a welcome home for that boy who made it into the grand final of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ on Channel 4. We wanted it for Obama’s visit because we reckoned he’d take a wee jaunt down to Pomeroy after the G8. As it turns out he didn’t, so a few of the committee members sort of took it out on the bus in a wee fit of annoyance. Understandable like. Turns out we now need it for Andrea. But we’ve got to fix all the dents and the graffiti. And the fire damage. And we can’t do that until we’ve pulled it back out of Dungannon Lake. We’ve really made a hames of it”.
The PVC meantime intend to fax Philomena Begley to ask if she can ‘keep Andrea talking for a bit’ if she arrives too early.
Stewartstown Labourer Sacked For Having Fancy Sandwiches
Coyne felt alienated
An experienced labourer and expert hole-digger has expressed his disappointment after receiving his marching orders for continually bringing less traditional fillings for his lunch time sandwiches. Fergal Coyne, 44, claims his ability to think outside the box has cost him his job:
“I’ve been working on sites since I was 15 and recently got sick of eating corned beef and ham sandwiches day in-day out. We’re currently adding a beer garden to the back of the Credit Union and I thought I would spice up my lunch break by bringing in smoked salmon and egg mayo fillings for a granary breaded effort. Well, the looks I got when I explained what it was. One lad from Galbally said ‘your type is not wanted around here’ as he got tore into his apple and chocolate Club bar. I ignored him but then his mate came over and kicked the sandwich clean out of my hand.”
Undeterred, Coyne returned next morning with a mango and cashew filling but was met with an even frostier reception.
“I was digging a great hole and I spotted two boys from Pomeroy going through my stuff. By the time I went over they had smeared ‘stop being a bollocks’ on the gable wall with my filling. It was disheartening. I phoned the Builders’ Union that night to come in and observe the discrimination the next day”.
The Stewartstown Builders’ Union were on site in the morning and witnessed events first hand:
“Yes, we saw what the problem was. Fergal arrived this morning with pita bread filled with beef and vegetables. We were shocked and felt quite angry, almost aggressive, towards him. For decades we’ve been eating the traditional four ham sandwiches, tin of Fanta, apple, Club biscuit and maybe a banana. We’ve no time for this fancy dan American stuff. So we fecked him off the site and told him he’ll never get another job digging holes in Stewartstown again. We’ll also pay out compensation to the other workers for stress related illnesses.”
Coyne is considering moving to Donaghmore.
Bold Plan To Bring Formula 1 Racing To Dungannon In 2015
Artist’s impression of F1 in White City
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Dungannon unveiled its plans yesterday to bring Formula 1 motor racing to Dungannon in two years time, which if successful could bring £150m in ticket sales and associated merchandising into the area. The bid, led by local councillor and full-time delusionist Declan Brady, includes two options for the FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, to consider, the first of which is a Monaco-style course around the local streets of Dungannon.
“That was my idea” said Brady. “Why not do it like they do in Monaco and showcase the very best of Dungannon? It’ll start outside Argos in Ballygawley Road, up round to the hospital, past the roundabout with the big butterflies, and down Scotch Street. Having said that Monaco must be a quiet wee town. There’s never any other cars around during the racing. Scotch Street is always heaving at the weekend so them racer boys would have to take it handy during Saturday qualifying”.
The second option is for the course to be run around the Tesco car park.
“They can use the Ulsterbus depot across the road for the pit stops. I’m sure the bus drivers would lend a few car jacks and spanners to help out. We’ve already proved we have the infrastructure in County Tyrone to do this. Did you see the ‘Thrills in the Hills’ go-karting in Pomeroy last year? Class. Wait till Bernie Eccleston reads that in the bid. Formula 1 is really just the same, only noisier”, claimed Brady.
The committee has laid out a detailed proposal which includes:
- Recruiting starting grid ‘dolly birds’ from the Granville community centre Zumba class that’s held on a Tuesday night
- Widening the Blackwater to allow drivers to sail their super yachts up into Dungannon Park lake
- Asking Newell Stores to give 10% off sandwiches for all racing teams
- Converting the roof of Sainsbury’s into a helipad
- Free car wash for all race cars
- Flattening out all the hills in Dungannon
The 5 page bid was sent last night by fax to Kwik Fit, with the request it be forwarded to Bernie Eccleston.
Pomeroy Village Council Launches Health Awareness Campaign About People’s Unmentionables
Pomeroy doctor raring to go
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Pomeroy Village Council today kicked off a health awareness campaign urging people to stop being embarrassed and to start some plain-talking about their unwhisperables.
“Let’s get to the point”, said Danny Devlin, chairperson of the PVC. “We need to adopt an adult and common sense approach when it comes to health. People in Pomeroy might not like our blunt approach in discussing people’s arses and the like but we’re tackling it head-on. Definitely”.
Asked whether the campaign related specifically to any of the common health threats to adults such as piles or varicose veins, Devlin retorted,
“We can do without the potty-mouth thank you. There’s no place for smut in this campaign. Just honest, clear, unambiguous language about people’s bottom halves. People from the Rock are mad into talking about this stuff”.
However, some of the Council members are privately squeamish about the campaign. One who asked not to be named admitted:
“It’s tara. I mentioned it to someone at mass in Altmore on Sunday and he told me about a problem he’s got with his yoke. Jaysus, I nearly brought the breakfast up all over my trousers. I still feel the bad taste coming on just thinking about it. Does he expect me to be interested just because I’m a doctor?”
Launched with the slogan, ‘Is Everything Quare Down There?’ the campaign says that if people have any problems with their etceteras they should be open and talk to someone, as long as it isn’t anyone in the Council.
“There’s no point skirting round the issue. If someone has a problem with that there stuff down there, we need to discuss it graphically and openly. It’s the only way”, said Devlin, before hurrying off and vomiting into a ditch.
Pomeroy Council Considered Cannibalistic Contingency Plans Due To Heavy Snow
Sliding down a mountain in Pomeroy
A leaked document this morning has indicated that the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC) met up on Sunday morning to draw up armageddon proposals if the snow didn’t thaw any time soon. With all roads leading out of the quiet townland looking increasingly impassable due to the heavy drifting, the secret council met up after Mass and laid down a two-point plan in case of a worst-case scenario. They were as follows:
1. If the roads become totally impassable for more than 24 hours, a time capsule is to be filled with remnants of what life was like in Pomeroy in 2013. Suggested contents included an xbox, a Dandy yoyo, Pomeroy GAA togs, a bit of the mountain, a Wispa, a piece of hair, the Irish News and Philomena Begley.
2. The human race to be kept going as long as possible. This might necessitate eating each other. Everyone over the age of 18 is to write an essay on why they think they should not be eaten. The authors of the worst essays as judged by the council will be slaughtered and fed to the youngsters and babies as they have longer to live and might survive long enough for it to thaw. The council members will only be considered for consumption when everyone else over 18 has been eaten.
The PVC were quick to play down the meeting and its contents today. Danny Devlin, chairperson, stated:
“Ah we got a bit carried away on Sunday morning. The snow flakes were deadly and cars were queued from the bottom of Pomeroy Street to the Bawn Orange Hall. I admit we panicked. I would like to assure the people of Pomeroy that no one will be eaten. All roads seem to be open. In fact none were closed at any stage really. We’ve made a hames of this. Sorry.”
Calls for the PVC to resign en masse have fallen on deaf ears. Devlin laughed when it was put to him and muttered “I’d like to see them try make us” whilst menacingly reaching into his coat pocket and winking.
Galbally’s ‘The Three Plunketts’ Still Short Of Material For Show At Cohannon Inn
Galbally’s next big thing
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Three Galbally men who will debut their three-man comedy show this Friday at the Cohannon Inn admit that with only days to go they have virtually no material to fill the ambitious two and a half hour slot. Plunkett Drummond, Plunkett Quinn and Plunkett Keown, all born in 1986 when Plunkett Donaghy’s dreamy locks was breaking housewives’ hearts in the All-Ireland, booked the gig after deciding their witty banter deserved a bigger audience.
“Us three boys were always having mad craic down the pub and we thought, Jaysus, people would pay big money to listen to this” said Plunkett Drummond from Corlea Road. “Even last Friday night we were out at Nugent’s in Pomeroy, and the craic was ninety. But no-one bothered to write any of it down and the next morning I couldn’t remember a thing. We thought we could really go all the way to the top, maybe even as far as the Community Centre in Galbally. Just look at other successful threesomes, the likes of The Three Stooges or the Three Degrees or the Two Ronnies. Big comedy trio acts raking in a whole lock of pounds.”
However, the group are struggling to re-create the magic by transferring the hilarious pub banter into a tightly-constructed, joke-packed, fun-filled, 2½ hour set.
“We did take a pencil and start scribbling notes on the back of the Auto Trader”, said Plunkett Keown, an unemployed fitter, “but we were laughing so much the writing ended up all shoogly and couldn’t really make it out the next day. The only words I could read were ‘Holland tractor’, ‘mushroom’, and ‘trousers’ and we can hardly squeeze 2½ hours out of that”.
In growing concern that they will not have sufficient material in time for the show, the three men have tried gathering at lunchtime without alcohol to see if they can produce any gems.
“It was rubbish. All we talked about was the new roadworks near the Rock. We’ve even watched Riverdance on Plunket’s VHS with Flatley doing all the high kicks for a bit of inspiration. That might be an option”, muttered Plunkett Drummond doubtfully.
The group now plan to extend the show to include traditional song, with Plunkett Keown singing ‘The Mountains Of Pomeroy’ accompanied by Drummond on the tin whistle. So far, the threesome have a story about a wasp landing on Plunkett Keown’s cheese and pickle sandwich during the Thrills in the Hills in Pomeroy last summer, and an anecdote involving a beer mat sticking to the bottom of Quinn’s pint glass. To date no tickets have been sold, but Plunkett Drummond remains hopeful.
“Tonight’s a last ditch all-out effort. We’re going to Tally’s to get properly hammered, but this time we’ll get the boyo on the next table to listen in and take notes. As long as we remember to ask him”.
Pomeroy Family To Quit The Village. Row Over 11+ Money.
Grimes, last night.
The family of Gregory Grimes, the first boy to achieve an A in the 11+ in Pomeroy since 1986, have said they’ll be gone from the village by the weekend and hope never to set foot amongst the “tightest shower in Ireland”. The remarkable turnaround by the Grimes’ seemingly surrounds the level of generosity in the village after young Gregory travelled from door to door last Saturday morning to inform the locals of his top grade in the ‘qualifying’ tests. Gregory’s father Kieran, a former A grade student himself and current Pomeroy tourism officer, claims they’ll never return to Pomeroy whilst there’s a breath left in his body:
“I loved Pomeroy. The mountains, the Diamond, Philomena Begley. We had it all. Well, all that’s wiped from my memory ever since young Greg, the first A in Pomeroy in 27 years, returned on his travels last Saturday with £3.56 in his pocket after telling his good news to 36 houses around the centre of the village. Three buckin fifty buckin six buckin pounds. Themuns couldn’t be happy for ye. The Kavanaghs down the road actually tapped him up for money for to pay the electricity meter. Paddy Devlin, and him a doctor too, gave him 11p after fumbling around in his suit jacket for fifteen minutes. The headmaster himself didn’t even open the door even though I could see him duking from the kitchen window and him boasting about our lad’s result at the shop this morning thinking he’s King Dick. What a begrudging, tight-fisted shower of glipes. Young Gregory, God bless him, was happy with the money and went out and bought a bottle of Lucozade and a giant Snickers. I’m not hanging around to count the pennies after his Confirmation. They can go and shite.”
No one from Pomeroy was prepared to officially comment on the Grimes’ plans to move off but the headmaster was reported to have said the following, on hearing about the A grade the previous night in the pub from the school secretary: “that wee Grimes lad needs taking down a peg or two. Who does he think he is? You’ll get nowhere reading books and spelling things correctly. He’ll be thinking he’s all it. We don’t need that sort in Pomeroy.”
The Grimes family are due to settle in Carrickmore.
Donaghmore Parents In Hiding After Son Expresses Ambitions To The Master
Donaghmore sewage treatment in progress
A once-respected Donaghmore family are refusing to engage in daily pleasantries in the village after their four-year-old son told his teacher about his future plans concerning employment and family. Toby Gallagher, who will be starting Donaghmore P.S. in September, was attending an induction day at the school when the Headmaster lined all the children up to ask them what they wanted to be when they grew up. Donaghmore, with its affluence and tendency to attract former landlords or those with aristocratic ancestors, appeared to have its fair quota of potential doctors, solicitors, barristers and lawyers which seemed to please the Master greatly. Little Toby Gallagher was last in line. Mr Toner, the P2 teacher, takes up the story:
“The silence was deafening. The Master had received twenty-five favourable answers to the question (one said he wished to be an accountant but he let that go) – probably the most promising batch we’d received in my time here – and with young Gallagher left it was looking like a clean-sweep. All heads turned to the lad as he jumped up onto the Master’s knee. Well, his answer will stay with us for a long time. He looked the Master in the eye and said, “I want to be the boy who sucks the shite clean out of the septic tank”. Well, you could’ve heard the thud from the mother hitting the ground. There was a muffled laugh from a couple of the P7s knocking about. It’s hard to see young Gallagher getting a place now. He said he wanted a husband too.”
It appears that the Gallaghers had been paid a visit the previous day by the man who normally does that job and young Gallagher was awestruck at the operation. Toby’s father, Paddy Gallagher OBE, attempted to salvage some respectability from the occasion by intimating that his young son was a great comedian but few appear to have accepted that explanation. The family are now considering moving to Pomeroy.
Cookstown Credit Union Workers Are County’s Heaviest Party-Goers
Cookstown CU in the Greenvale at the weekend
A recent survey carried out by the Matt Talbot Research Centre in Omagh has discovered that the staff at the Cookstown CU are the most likely workforce in the county to get completely blattered every weekend and every other day during the week. The infamous Strabane Bikers – ‘The Pissed Off Bastards of Bridge Street’ – are the most teetotal grouping, closely followed by the ‘Eskra Eucharistic Ministry Society’.
The news that the Credit Union in Cookstown came out top in the survey came as no surprise to customers who commented on the outlet’s reluctance to give out any loans at all on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays due to severe hangovers.
“Ah sure I’m not surprised one bit,” Seamie Sheehey told us. “Everyone knows that you haven’t a hope in hell of getting even a tenner on a Wednesday. They’d be awkward and call your bluff. You’d be asking for a lock of pound to ‘do the kitchen’ and they’d be saying ‘sure I was in your kitchen last week and there’s nothing wrong with it’. Yet on Thursday they’ll hand out a grand even if you only needed a ton to pay the parking fines. It’s a lottery, especially if they’ve been on two day benders. My mother asked for £2000 for a holiday in Portygal and even though she had £1500 savings in it, they told her it’d be more in her line to go to mass more often than to be galavanting around Faro.”
In second place were the clergy in Pomeroy who consume more wine in a year than the whole Basque region in northern Spain.
Plans For Hotel In Galbally May Go Ahead
Artist’s impression of Galbally Hotel
Ambitious plans to build an hotel in Galbally by ‘the end of the year’ by local lunatic, Peader Johnson, may actually be passed in time for work to begin on Sunday at the latest. The sleepy hamlet, which vies for tourism with nearby Cappagh, has been devoid of visitors since 2008. Johnson, an unemployed plasterer, was said to have ‘thrown the head up’ in the bar last week and decided to submit plans for a luxurious hotel to be built on a piece of land behind the pub. Bar manager Johnny Tally was impressed by Johnson’s plans:
“Jayz it sounds great like. Peader’s a bit of a header but he means well and if he manages to pull this off we’ll erect a statue in his honour. To be honest, it’s a bit depressing here. I’ve had the same dozen customers for four years now and even they’re getting sick at the sight of each other. Them Cappagh fcukers have the market cornered with their outdoor natural spa and mountain. Where they got the mountain idea from I don’t know but it was a genius stroke, all those millions of years ago.”
Johnson’s plans include provision for a 10-room suite with gold sofas, cushions, gilt mirrors and chandeliers. A grand foyer will dazzle the eye with an elaborate floor made of four kinds of marble from the Bahamas. The 15-metre-long living room will hold a baby grand piano. The vast entertainment centre will come with a full-service bar. Throw in the eye-popping balcony views of Pomeroy and Kildress, a butler and it’ll be hard to turn down the £25’000 a night offer.
Local convenience store owner Mary McCann wasn’t completely in favour:
“Listen, I’m all on for people coming to Galbally. It would be great to se people like Sean Connery and Gandhi coming here and spending all their money. That’s fine. It’s just that my store only does the papers, bread and a slap of milk. Them foreigners will be asking for queer things like salami and celery. And probably Amazonian camel’s piss. Can’t be scundered with that craic.”
Johnson claims he has a few lads from Cappagh with experience of plastering at GNVQ level.
Mountains of Pomeroy Downgraded to Hills
One of the Pomeroy ex-mountains
Tension were high in Pomeroy tonight after UTV reported that their mountains were a sham and had always been just a ‘lock of wee hills’ according to the official Tyrone geologist Daniel Durkin.
In a move which has shaken the village to its foundations, the ramifications are mammoth with songs, poems and sign posts needing to be adjusted before midnight tonight. UTV revealed the exclusive as their lead item in this evening’s news, releasing Durkin’s statement to the general public:
“After extensive research over the last few days, we have come to the educated conclusion that there are, in fact, no mountains in Pomeroy. To be honest, there are a few hills and some of them aren’t even that big. I’ve seen bigger sandcastles. These people are deluding themselves. I witnessed women in the shop talking about there being ‘gold in them there mountains’. They even sell ‘The Pomeroy Yeti’ t-shirts to foreigners, making them believe that there’s a creature roaming about Pomeroy’s mounds. They’re just wee drumlins. From midnight tonight, anyone seen promoting the existence of hills or making money from merchandise around this fallacy will be detained without trial. Mountains my arse.”
Pomeranians have reacted angrily to the news with reports tonight of derelict farm buildings on fire and mass looting of the Centra shop. Local bulb-fixer Paddy Molloy voiced the anger of the village:
“Are they blind? Look at them there mountains. They’re massive and in the winter there’d be snow on them. Are you telling me that George Sigerson was wrong when he wrote that song about Renardine and the pale bride? What about the Artane Boys’ Band? What are they going to play now? The Lily of Lough Neagh? I say we burn the whole place down in protest.”
Durkin is currently looking into The Hills Above Drumquin with early indications pointing towards a downgrading to ‘a bit of a heap’.
Donaghmore Clamper Clamps Himself
Notorious privatised Donaghmore clamper Jamesy McMahon accidentally clamped himself whilst clamping a 1999 Ford Escort parked illegally in the village main street outside Costcutters. McMahon, who was given exclusive clamping powers by Stormont in 2009 for that area, was still receiving treatment in Craigavon Hospital last night for severe leg wounds and battered pride.
Clamper McMahon
Hoping to nail his 311th clamping this year in Donaghmore, McMahon was disturbed in the process of securing another £90 by a passenger shouting obscenities at the Donaghmore terror.
“I was just doing my job. Patsy King knows he shouldn’t abandon that rust-bucket there. That’s the 6th time I’ve caught him. Just as I secured the final bolt, Johnny Donnelly drove past and called me a ‘good for nothing oul bollocks’. I made a move to offer the middle finger in return when my leg jerked inside the clamp and the bastard thing locked itself. It was excruciatingly painful and extremely embarrassing. I was vulnerable and scared. I thought they were going to eat me”
Before long, the whole of Donaghmore were out on the street clodding McMahon with potatoes, lumps of meat and scalding tea and performing some kind of cannibalistic dancing ritual. A good samaritan phoned the clamping man in Pomeroy who arrived within an hour to release McMahon, charging him £90 for the service. The ambulance arrived to take McMahon to Craigavon but he still managed to re-clamp the Ford, laughing as he was escorted into the emergency vehicle, shouting ‘yiz pack a effin hillbillies. I’ll be back’.
Pomeroy Man Gets Colonic Irrigation By Mistake – Didn’t Like It
Pomeroy professional funeral-wailer Denver Douglas has managed to get his life back to some semblance of normality after a terrible mix-up with his GP led to a rectum-cleaning marathon for the 66-year old. In what turned out to be a comedic/almost tragic turn of events, Douglas ended up in the clinic bent over after a short conversation about what he believed to be personal farming problems with Dr Devlin, the local GP since 1944.
“I was saying to the doctor that I was having cramps because the crop of strawberries was terrible this year. That bollox Devlin recommended irrigation and I thought he was talking about field drainage. Little did I know he was thinking of my bowels and sticking a hose up me to clane her out. I said I’d be on for that alright and he told me to call around tomorrow to the clinic for a chat about it.”
The room where the cleansing was performed
Things got out of hand when Dr Devlin ran at Douglas when he came in with a tranquilizing needle to sedate him in case he backed down.
“I thought I was there to see plans for a new drainage system. The next thing I knew I was bent over the desk with Devlin shoving a 20-inch garden hose up my passage and told the nurse to turn her up to the hilt. I was too far gone with the injection to resist. I didn’t like it. I was like that for 2 hours, dignity gone completely like. That nurse would be a niece of mine and she didn’t need to see that side of me.”
Despite the trauma, Douglas says he’s never felt better and apologises to Dr Devlin for shattering his left jaw in three pieces when he came round. He has promised to wail loudly at Devlin’s funeral, free of charge.
Tyrone Tribulations 