Author Archives: Gombeen
Would-Be Airline Pilot Sacked As Moy School Bus Driver Two Days Into The Job
Sort of like this
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A frustrated school bus driver who failed to qualify as a commercial airline pilot has been sacked from his school bus driving job after only two days.
Barney ‘Doors to Manual’ Corrigan was told by the Dungannon Education Authority on Tuesday evening not to return to his post after repeatedly compromising the safety and security of the passengers in his care, most of whom were pupils at Clonless Primary School near the Moy.
Sacked only two days after pupils returned to school at the start of this week, Corrigan confessed to driving at speeds over 80 mph, but offered no explanation for the dangerous and erratic behaviour.
“I know what the bollix was trying to do. He was trying to take off, that’s what”, said irate mother-of-two Sheila Donegan. “Some of them roads is fine for 80 miles an hour, but Jaysus, he was doin’ it going up the feckin’ school driveway. The kids were terrified. It was like that fillum with Keanu Reeves and the bus. What was it? Edward Scissorhands? And my cub said that he kept giving out weather reports and estimated time of arrival. What’s that about? The school’s less than two miles away. If it’s pissin’ with rain here, it’ll be pissin’ with rain there”.
Defending his position, Corrigan said,
“I was just trying to get everyone to school quickly like. You try driving a bus with that lot on it. It was cat. My ears are still ringing from the screams of terror. On Tuesday I had one of them blubbin’ his head off because he was havin’ to go back to school, and then he went and soiled himself. And that was one of the teachers. The weeans were worse. How am I supposed to drive down the runway with that going on? Road. I meant road”.
The pupils also alleged that Corrigan told them it was a ‘no-frills’ bus and charged them 10 pence each for their own packed lunches. Corrigan has since demanded back from the school his two ping pong bats that he insisted the headmaster use to guide his bus into its parking space.
Gortin Man Tried To ‘Pull A Fast One’ And Sell Wife To Liverpool FC For £2.8m
Coyne failed medical
It has emerged that a Gortin taxi washer, Ian Coyne (62), almost succeeded in selling his wife of 40 years to Liverpool Soccer Club for £2.8m three hours before the deadline for accepting new players yesterday. Sources have confirmed that the deal was only scuppered after she turned up for the medical and Liverpool discovered she was a 61-year old Plumbridge woman with a plastic hip, severe arthritis in both legs and a pacemaker in place.
Liverpool director of transfers, Kenneth Dogleash, admitted it sounded too good to be true:
“Yes, it seemed like all our Christmases had arrived at once. This boy with a fierce Irish accent rang us and said he had an offer to make us about a player called ‘Ouldoll’. We had been on the look-out for a cheap striker to act as cover for Sturridge and Suarez so this was a dream come true. He said his ‘client’ was a real battle axe, causing havoc wherever they went. He said Ouldoll was good up front for their age and had a powerful kick on them when angered. He added that his client had become an expert dribbler in recent years and had scored in every town in Ireland in their younger days. We settled on £2.8m”.
With a deal thrashed out, Jenny Coyne boarded this first plane at Belfast International Airport, thinking her husband had booked her in for a week’s health spa session in Liverpool:
“It wasn’t until I was met at the other side by three men in suits that I began to think that all wasn’t right. They kept giving me strange looks in the car. Why they put me through that fitness test I don’t know. The hip was squeaking like mad on that treadmill. The weights were easy though. This nice young man called Brendan Rodgers came in and said the deal was off but that I should keep my head down and work hard. I was a bit confused and gave him a hard boiled sweet but I took it off him and clipped him around the ear when he said ‘thanks oul doll’.”
It appears that this was Coyne’s second attempt at offloading his wife after trying to sell her on The Antiques Road Show in 1999.
Brocagh Brothers Mortified As Mother Sends Them To School In Skirts
Artist’s impression
Brocagh twins, Peter and Paul Ward, were this afternoon said to be in hiding after their mother ‘got a bit mixed up’ and sent her first-year sons to St Patrick’s Academy in Dungannon in school skirts and blouses. Frances Ward maintains she got confused due to the fact that their three older sisters also went to the same school and that she was not trying to save money on uniforms in the hope that no one would notice.
“Ah come on, I’m not that stingy. It was a very understandable mistake. I was used to the girls getting ready for the bus and simply threw the hand-me-downs to the twins. I did think something was wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. They’re quiet lads so they didn’t complain. I’m told the Carnan ones on the bus gave them deadly abuse.”
Reports from the school suggest they were immediately put in detention for “Brazen Tomfoolery”, breaking the previous record of 3 hours for a first year in the school, a record held by a boy from Killyman who fired a tin whistle in bad temper at the principal in 1981. The Wards’ detentions were rescinded after the truth was revealed.
Frances Ward’s neighbour, Packie Quinn, disagrees that it was an honest mistake:
“That woman is the most miserly living being in Brocagh. I know rightly she didn’t want to fork out for a new set of uniforms and so thought no one would bat an eyelid. Them poor lads are mortified. Bad enough the uniform but why did she plait the longer haired boy? She was up to her work.”
In other educational news, Tyrone schools are considering bringing back slapping for ‘acting the lig’ or ‘slabbering about their holidays’.
Loughmacrory Wife Rubbishes Husband’s Sub 4-Minute Mile Claim
Curran – a fast man or clampit?
A Loughmacrory plumber, Mickey Curran (44), was this morning still maintaining he ran a mile in 3 mins 45 seconds – becoming only the fourth man in history to do so – on his first run ever trying to lose a bit of weight. His wife has continued to pour scorn on the claim, insisting that he paused the time on his phone by mistake and that he was actually gone from the house for ‘over an hour’.
Curran, a 20-a-day smoker who currently weighs 17 stone and hasn’t run since he was 14 or so, decided to get fit after making fun of a hefty reflection of a man in a shop window in Omagh before realising it was himself. Setting off down the Crotty Road yesterday morning, Curran says he wasn’t surprised at his record breaking time:
“I had a fair idea I was flying. Although I haven’t exercised in 30 years and am carrying a bit of timber, I’ve always imagined I’d be a deadly runner. I remember watching the lympics and saying to herself that I’d bate most of them Africans no bother. And I’ve just proved it. That Morrocan boy (Hicham El Guerrouj) may get used to the fact that by the end of this week his 3:43 time will be shattered, right here in Loughmacrory. A mile seems to be my distance”.
Daisy Curran has rubbished her husband’s claims and maintains he’s just making an idiot out of himself:
“Jaysus, he’s some dick. He was gone for over an hour and came back with vomit streaming down his Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt. Sure I could see him out the kitchen window. He barely made it down our lane and that’s only 10 metres. Clampit. He has accidentally pushed the pause button on the iphone”.
Curran has set his sights on breaking world records for javelin, shot-put, 100m and downhill skiing by the end of the month.
Archaeologists Find Roundabout In Coalisland
Fell from space?
BY PAT MUCKLES
Archaeologists in Coalisland have unearthed what appears to be a roundabout in the centre of the town. The discovery ends decades of speculation about whether a traffic management system ever existed in the historic home of coal and chips.
The expert archaeologist, whom some know personally as the long-haired man from Coast, made a statement last night confirming everyone’s suspicions:
“After months of back-breaking work, sore knees and lunch time pints in Baldos, we can confirm the existence of a type of circular intersection in which road traffic is slowed and flows almost continuously in one direction. It’s an incredible find”.
For years, the origin of the mound was a source of conflicting reports. We caught up with local historian Barney ‘Billiards Barney’ O’Neill who shed some light on the subject:
“Some in the town thought it an ancient burial ground; some say it’s the by-product of years of tractor diffing; a few think it’s the top of a giant snooker ball that fell from space on the day Dennis Taylor was born. Me personally, I believe it to be the resting place of Red Hugh, the five times South Tyrone cock fighting champion”.
As the word of the roundabout spread across town, not everyone was as upbeat. Dicky McGeary, of Plater’s Hill in the town and all-round pessimist, gave his views of the finding.
“I’ve been driving for 30 odd years and never had call for a roundabout and I can’t see me using one now. Using them indication lights is one thing but I draw the line at turning circles. Drive her like you stole her, that’s what I say”
Local trader Eddie McGee of Main Street added:
“Roundabout? What a load of auld dung.”
At the time of writing Tribulations are unsure of what this will mean for the drivers of Coalisland. We tried to reach the DoE Roads Dept for some insight but were told that the entire team were in Ardboe looking at a hole.
Ghost-Oh! Tyrone Primary Schools To Ban Some Local Words And Phrases.
Typical Moortown headmaster
Under new directives from the “Make Tyrone Spake Better” committee, all primary schools in the country have been instructed to punish children who persist with local words in 2013/2014, including ‘foundered’, ‘ghost oh’, ‘gutties’, ‘yousuns’, ‘oul’ and ‘blade’ amongst others. Chairman Winston Carberry, a born-again posh man from Brackaville, told us:
“How are we expected to produce brain surgeons or lawyers when we’re coming out with words no one else understands? An Omagh doctor working in London recently got his P45 after telling his first patient that he was going to perform a prostrate examination. Apparently it’s inappropriate to say “Here boy, whisht, I’m gonna footer with yer arse, lean fernenst thon gable“. He was on the plane back to Tyrone that evening. I blame the primary schools.”
Primary schools in Ardboe, Moortown and parts of Brocagh have begun writing alternatives to ‘ghost oh’ on the blackboards. If told something interesting, loughshore youngsters are to utter phrases such as ‘Oh My Gosh’ or ‘Jumping Jiminy’ although Carberry accepts that teething problems are expected initially.
“Yes, we expect some resistence at first, especially in the East: Spuds are to be called potatoes, not pitters; no more use of ‘afeard’; face instead of ‘bake’; ‘he tuk the head clane aff him’ to be replaced with ‘they had a scuffle’. This will take time and we need the parents on board if little Johnny is to become a barrister.”
The Ardboe Historical Society’s Wille Quinn says they will fight the new directives:
“A loada balls. What clift made this up?”
Punishment for reverting to local language will range from a three decades of the rosary to cleaning staff toilets.
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Tyrone’s Controversial Wind Turbines To Have Number Of Blades Doubled
Pomeroy, earlier
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Controversial plans to double the number of blades on the county’s numerous wind turbines have been met with dismay by many concerned residents.
Leaked documents from the Ordnance Survey Department and Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed that the customary three blades will be doubled to six, under a scheme to convert all of them by June 2014.
“That’s right”, said Councillor Enda McMann. “If we double the blades, we double the speed. That much is obvious. Those massive yolks will just be a blur. Like the propellers on an airyplane. Mighty”.
However, opponents of the programme have produced what they say is incontrovertible evidence that the entire county is already slowly being pushed westwards by the collective power of the ever-increasing number of wind turbines.
Killyclogher businessman and self-appointed community spokesman Terence McNabb, demanded answers.
“You wouldn’t believe it. Tyrone has nearly a thousand of these feckin’ things. On a windy day you can feel the whole county shaking. It’s definitely on the move. You can get sea sick if you’re not careful. Strabane definitely isn’t where it used to be.”
Kevin McGinty, a pig therapist from Coagh, concurred with the findings.
“We drove to Bundoran for the weekend there and it took us two hours to get there on Friday afternoon. When we left just two days later at midnight on Sunday it only took us 90 minutes. Explain that. Tyrone’s definitely getting closer to the coast. At this rate we’ll be in effin Americay. We’ll all be speaking with funny accents and eating burgers and saying ‘talk to the hands’ and suchlike. Something needs to be done”.
Ever-keen to jump on the populist bandwagon, and showing barely the flimsiest grasps of the most basic facts, McNabb said,
“Them wind turbines is already a nuisance without making it worse. It must take a whole lock of electrical power to get thon massive blades turning and for what? To make the place look cuter? They cost a fortune so they do. They’re not cost-effective. If we made them solar-powered they might be a bit cheaper to run. They shouldn’t have gone up in the first place”.
Meanwhile, Dungannon & South Tyrone issued a pamphlet to all households throughout the county asking everyone to play their part in trying to improve the recent poor weather by ‘doing whatever you can to prevent a warm front from meeting a cold front’.
Derrytresk Man Refuses To Come Home From Fleadh
McGarrell tries his hand at bigger whistle
A Derrytresk musician is refusing to return home from this year’s All Ireland Fleadh in Derry, claiming it is deadly craic and far better than stooling turf or dunging out the yard back on the loughshore. Despite the Fleadh having officially ended over a week ago, Jim McGarrell (44) – a tin whistling fanatic – has remained on the pavement sitting on a stool playing songs such as ‘Roddy McCorley’ and ‘Eamonn an Chnoic’ to puzzled locals. McGarrell’s long suffering wife Cathy told us:
“To be honest I’m getting a wee bit annoyed now. He has been up there for two weeks now and sure everyone is away back to work. I know exactly why he’s still there – free drink. But sure people now just think he’s begging and are throwing him coppers. The free drink is only given to musicians during the damn thing. Not after it’s over.”
McGarrell took up the whistle three weeks ago after seeing a boy on TG4 playing ‘Boolavogue’ and had the tune learned off in 24 hours, labelling himself some kind of mature musical maestro. Cathy disagreed:
“Jaysus you should hear him. It’s like buck cats fighting. The three weeins here usually end up bawling.”
Jim has revealed his intention to stay on another while, or until the money runs out:
“People say I should be at home with the family but sure I’m having a deadly time here. The locals can’t get enough. They’re even firing coppers at me now, literally. They’re always asking for a rendition of “Go Home Ye Bum” but I don’t know that one so I play “Sally Gardens” to keep them happy and they start firing coins again. Very generous people in Derry.”
Meanwhile, the Derrytresk Traditional Music Group have denied repeatedly texting McGarrell, telling him that he’s a Youtube sensation and ‘doing a great job’ in order to keep him up there.
Ugly Scenes As Two Carnteel Pensioners Battle To Pay For Tea And Scones
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Two women pensioners attended Omagh County Court yesterday after they were involved in a heated debate over who was paying for tea.
The incident occurred on the 20th July, when both women insisted on paying the £3.60 bill for a pot of tea and two fruit scones. The women, Rose Coyle and Bernie Gallen, both 78 and from Carnteel, got into an unseemly tussle, with threats of pulling and dragging gathering momentum.
Cafe owner Bridie McDuff’s court statement pulled no punches:
“It was tara. I put the bill on their table and a few minutes later all I heard was Rose Coyle shouting, ‘It’s Tuesday. I always pay on a Tuesday. Put it away, put it away. Let me’. She was trying to shove Mrs Gallen’s purse back into her handbag, and then it all spilt out all over the floor. Jaysus, the smell of Just Musk nearly knocked me out. The PSNI should think about using that stuff instead of tear gas. My eyes are still waterin.”
The argument worsened when Gallen picked up a teaspoon to remonstrate with Coyle, but then promptly put it back down again saying she was a slave to her arthritis and that her knuckles would be the death of her, and then gave a lengthy diagnosis of her piles. Coyle subsequently waved an almond slice in Gallen’s general direction before accidentally knocking over a whole plate of French fancies and cherry bakewells from the counter. Both were left flustered by the episode.
When asked whether she would maintain her friendship with Coyle, Bernie Gallen said,
“Eh?”
Gallen was charged with breach of the peace, and for acting in a threatening manner with a packet of cola cubes. She was fined £10, and banned from talking about her piles anywhere close to Carnteel. Coyle was fined £5 and told that she would not be allowed within a 100 yard radius of an almond slice for the next 12 months.
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Out And About – Reaction To Mayo Defeat
This morning we took a spin around the county and stopped anyone walking around fields or roads to ask their opinion of yesterday’s defeat to Mayo:
“Ah I didn’t really watch it. I was glued to Celebrity Big Brother live feed.”
PETER CAMPBELL (88) CLONOE
“To be honest I missed the whole thing. I got parked in Clonliffe College and opened the picnic the wife made me. 24 sandwiches, 4 packets of Kimberley Mikados, 3 flasks of tea, 5 Paris buns and a slap of potato salad. By the time I finished that lot off it was well into the second half.”
GEOFFREY MCELHINNY (56) STRABANE
“Disappointed. Himself will be in the house now every weekend with that big oul grumpy head on him watching cowboys films.”
MARY SCULLION (44) ARDBOE
“What did ye expect from a group of lads wearing bras. Bras! In my day the jersey was made out of aluminium and the chest would be scored off you. Not even red and white bras like”.
PETER MOSSEY (56) PLUMBRIDGE
“Maurice Deegan. Pure and simple. The bollocks could only point the one road. And Maurice isn’t the name of a good referee. You’d need a Pat or a Mick. Not Maurice.”
P O’NEILL (70) DERRYTRESK
“I blame Datsun Donaghy and that Cavanagh song. I had binoculars with me and swear I saw Sean humming that buckin song. It went til his head. Them binoculars are some job. Makes the TV seem really close.”
PADDY DONNELLY (38) DONAGHMORE
“That Greencastle girl who drove up Croagh Patrick scudded us.”
DANNY DEVLIN (36) GREENCASTLE
“Gingerism. Them Mayo ones are well known for their ginger discrimination. They targeted Peter Harte straight away. The poor wee ginger genius didn’t stand a chance. I saw them giving him dirty looks during the parade.”
RON MCGINN (51) DRUMQUIN
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Controversy At ‘Edendork’s Got Talent’. Teagues Out.
Last year’s winners
By Pat Muckles
Brother and Sister Synchronised Bog Snorkelling Act ‘Get Shucked’ voted out of Edendork’s Got Talent.
It was to deafening chants of “Teagues Out” and “Kill All Teagues” that brother and sister Bog Snorkelling Act ‘Get Shucked’ aka Micky and Petra Teague, walked off stage last night at Edendork’s Got Talent.
The pair’s campaign to become 2013 EGT winners had been dogged with controversy throughout with accusations of vote-rigging refusing to go away, publication of fake back stories (they claimed their pet goat Malachi had perished in a bog back in 2003) and, after an interview in The Tyrone Times, a perception that they were getting big-headed. Some also claimed they were just copying last year’s winners, Bog Snorkling Sopranos from Fintona.
The duo had found themselves in the bottom two along with Crisp ‘N’ Fly (aka Manus McMahon who made all types of crisp sandwiches on stage) leaving their survival to an already partisan audience.
Get Shucked fought for their place by performing Madonna’s ‘Like A Virgin’ in full bog-snorkling regalia, with McMahon once again demonstrating his skills in the mass construction of cheese & onion crisp sandwiches.
Liam Collins, an avid reality show fan from Beragh, old us:
“They never stood a chance. Performing ‘Like A Virgin’ with your sister is hard at the best of times but you add 300 hundred odd people shouting ‘Teagues Out’ and you’re snookered. I think the story about Malachi the Goat rubbed a few people up the wrong way.”
Majella McKenna from Donaghmore reckoned it was a dangerously poisonous atmosphere:
“I’ll not lie, there was a fair bitta juice put away and some got a bit carried away. At the end, there were even a few boys shouting ‘Kill All Teagues’ which, if you know those Teagues, there’s a lot of them and it would take a long time to do.”
Tribulations had invited The Teagues to contribute but were told by a spokesperson that no comment would be made available at this time.
Row Brewing Over Tyrone’s Garvaghey Complex ‘Memory Cabinet’
Kevin McCabe – 1984
The previously smooth-running Garvaghey Complex has hit a major speed-bump after tempers frayed this evening during the unveiling of a new ‘Memory Cabinet’ in the west wing. Accusations of bias towards certain clubs almost resulted in blows being thrown with one man labelling the atmosphere ‘deadly like’.
Pat Carabine, a member of the Urney club, put across his impression of the whole handling:
“Why are there all these East Tyrone things in the cabinet? Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1984. Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1986. Art McCrory’s monkey hat from 1986. Sure what did them boys ever win really? Why not John Lynch’s mullet? I’m told that McCabe did not donate his 1986 moustache at all and that what we’re looking at is Damien O’Hagan’s moustache from around the same time. The thing’s a farce”.
Francis Skeffington from Brackaville hit back, accusing West Tyrone of sour grapes:
“Them boys have had it too good for too long. I think the cabinet looks class and for me Sean McNally’s pants from the 1985 loss to Derry takes pride of place. It’s not all East Tyrone anyway. Aidan Skelton’s upside down handlebar moustache is there as well as a lump of Mikey Sheehy’s shoulder blade which was extracted by Noel McGinn in 86 whilst the ball was up the other end. They need to dry their eyes”.
The Garvaghey Complex Memory Cabinet Committee have rejected accusations of focusing mostly on moustaches, neglecting memorabilia such as medals, boots and jerseys:
“We just wanted to be different. There were some brilliant moustaches back then. Sean Donnelly, Mickey Mallon and then you have a few locks from Plunkett Donaghy’s majestic mop. Sure that’s what we all remember. We’re just disappointed Declan McCrossan didn’t donate his ’97 moustache to ease the West Tyrone accusations of bias”.
The Memory Cabinet is open at all times and punters are allowed to look at it for free for 10 mins with a £2 per min charge after that.
Worrying Increase In Straight ‘A’ Students. County On Amber Alert
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following last Thursday’s news of a Loughmacrory A Level student being discovered with 3 A* grades, three more men across the county have been found with similar qualifications in their GCSEs. Police authorities have placed the county on alert level ‘Amber’, and have warned residents to brace themselves for the discovery of further smart arsed lads.
DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI said,
“We’re not sure if they’re all part of a cell, or a ‘brain cell’ as we’re calling it. At present the evidence points to this being true, as they all appear to have a fondness for Dickens and a common understanding of simultaneous equations. It’s a sad day for the county. Who’d have thought there might have been a brain cell around these parts? We’ve always had intelligent women but smart Tyrone boys were a thing for fantasy books”.
56 year old Deirdre McConnell, a part-time chapel-attender from Eskra, was a neighbour of one of the accused men, 16 year old Desmond Coyle.
“Sure, Dessie always kept himself to himself. Quiet wee lad growing up. I remember hearing talk that he was a prodigy, that he could use a knife and fork by the time he was twelve and put on his own socks at fifteen, but people say things in spite. I suppose looking back the writing was on the wall by that stage. There were rumours that he was once caught with a girlie magazine with ‘Wuthering Heights’ hidden inside. It makes me feel sick”.
Inspection of Coyle’s home last night discovered several incriminating documents under his bed, including the Ulster Herald, three copies of The Economist, and an old edition of ‘Juno and the Paycock’. A geometry set and a dictionary were found at the homes of one of the other men. It is alleged that Coyle fully intended to use the grades to attempt to better himself, either in Belfast or possibly England.
Authorities are also investigating the sale of a scientific calculator in Omagh to see whether there may be a connection to the four men.
Meanwhile, a girl in Derrytresk who achieved what has been described as a ‘rake of A* grades’ is to have a rampart named after her.
Tyrone Tribulations – 1 Year Old Today
Thank you to all readers and for the encouraging comments over the last 12 months.
Below are the top 10 news items in terms of views from the past year. We are approaching 300’000 visits from as far away as El Salvador, Uzbekistan and Drumragh.
2. https://tyronetribulations.com/2013/06/10/tyrone-counting-the-cost-of-a-warm-weekend/
4. https://tyronetribulations.com/2012/10/30/three-carrickmore-men-defy-storm-and-drink-on/
5. https://tyronetribulations.com/2013/06/15/stewartstown-labourer-sacked-for-having-fancy-sandwiches/
10. https://tyronetribulations.com/2013/07/11/bono-spotted-in-beragh-speculation-rife/
Remember you can still vote once a week for either of our stories on: http://www.blogawardsireland.com/category/best-blog-post-2/
Thanks a million again.
C’mon Tyrone. Yer on yer own.
Clonoe Man Wrecks Bar Over Wifi Issue
Plunkett J O’Neill
By Pat Muckles
A Clonoe man, who confused the offer of Free Wifi with an invitation to get himself a Thai Bride, has been handed a 3 year suspended sentence at Dungannon Crown Court after causing £10,000 in damages at a local bar.
It is believed that Plunkett J O’Neill, 63, of O’Rahilly Gardens in the townland, entered the shebeen demanding a Thai Bride and when told several times that it’s not something they offered, proceeded to wreck the place, shouting obscenities, smashing glasses and even letting the fire extinguisher off.
Peter Duffy, solicitor for the accused stated:
“It’s a simple case of my client getting the wrong the end of the stick. He said that he was told by a neighbour that he should get up to the bar and get a Free Wife, Hi. Not knowing one iota about computers, he wanted to get up there before they ran out. If anything his fleetness of foot for a man of his age should be commended.”
Conor McNally, who was working at the bar at the time, was left shaken and confused:
“We started giving away free wi-fi in a bid to attract the sort of people that’ll pay £3 for a cup for of Mellow Birds. Next thing you know, Big Plunkett J comes stormin’ in roaring luckin about Thai Brides and Free Wives. He wouldn’t take no for answer and next thing you know there was an ashtray making its way for my head. I had no choice but to call the cops and as luck would have it they were across the road at the chippy.”
Tribulations tried to make contact with Plunkett J for a statement but were told he was away on holiday.
Datsun Donaghy May Start For Tyrone Against Mayo
A fairytale story of epic Hollywood proportions has developed this week with the news that Datsun Donaghy, a fictitious character and the brainchild of bespectacled Donaghmare man Conor Grimes, may have forced his way into Mickey Harte’s plans for Sunday’s All-Ireland semi-final.
Datsun attended a county training session at Garvaghy at the weekend in order to promote his new single The Sean Cavanagh Song when a minor injury to a Tyrone forward left Harte with no option but to ask Donaghy to just ‘stand in the corner for ten minutes’. A Tyrone backroom member takes up the story:
“It was a stray ball by Peter Harte that started it. They players were told not to hit it to Donaghy as he might get hurt so Mickey was giving Peter some bollocksing. All of a sudden we saw this big arse shield the ball, a swivel, and the ball sailing over the bar like a Frank McGuigan special and Conor Gormley grasping at thin air. I swore I saw a tear trickle down Mickey’s cheek.”
Harte wanted to make sure it wasn’t a one-off.
“Mickey instructed his midfield to hit Datsun with the ball every time and the result was the same, the arse would extend out and over the bar. He had 4 men hanging out of him at one stage and none could handle that manoeuvre. We even got Joe McMahon to give him a few verbals about Donaghmore and family, but still the result was the same. That arse is the next big thing. I’d argue it’s more valuable than the Cavanagh Shimmy. In the course of an hour he scored 0-13 and only took 3 steps – talk about economical.”
It is reported that a couple of East Tyrone corner forwards on the panel are understandably unhappy with this development, pleading with Harte not to start a fictitious character over them.
In Mayo, a state of panic has been declared as Horan and his management team scour the county for a similar sized corner back.
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Dennis Taylor And Darren Clarke To Slug It Out In All-Tyrone Wrestling Contest
Artist’s impression of the ‘Fray in Tattyreagh’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Speculation continued to grow last night that a grudge 1970s-style wrestling match is to be held between son of Coalisland snooker superstar Dennis Taylor and Dungannon-born golfing supremo Darren Clarke.
Local fight promoter Barney O’Connor said,
“Controversy has raged since Clarke won the Open in 2011 about which of these two world champion athletes is the best. And there’s really only one sensible and transparent way to objectively resolve it, and that’s getting the two of them to bate seven shades of shite out of each other in a no-holds-barred slug-fest marathon. We need to sort this out for once and for all. They probably hate each other.”
After failing to secure a booking at the world-famous fight venue Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, O’Connor advised that the event will now be held in Tattyreagh Community Centre at the end of September. Sources close to Taylor and Clarke however, confirmed that neither sportsman knew anything about the fight or that they would want anything to do with it.
“Aye, that’s right”, said O’Connor with a grin, whilst winking and tapping the side of his nose. “Neither sportsmen know anything about it. Course they don’t. But these two have got form at wrestling. Don’t you forget it. When Clarke was playing Tiger Woods for the world title in California in 2000, he gave Tiger a ‘Big Darren Splash’ when they were both stuck in the bunker on the 16th. Why do think Woods lost his form in recent years? His ribs are still killing him. And Taylor’s no better. During a break away from the cameras just before the last frame of the World Championship in the 1985 final, Dennis gave Steve Davis a forehand chop, got him in a half-nelson and then finished with a pile driver by jumping off one of the practice tables onto his head. No wonder Davies lost. You’ve heard of the famous Mohammed Ali and George Foreman fight, the Rumble in the Jungle? Well, this’ll be the Fray in Tattyreagh. Class”.
Speculation increased further last night, when a man wearing funny glasses was reportedly seen going into shops in Coalisland Main Street and asking if they sold colourful leotards ‘for the larger gentleman’.
Coalisland Journalist Returns Home From London Safely But ‘Won’t Be Back’
A fry?
A well known Coalisland journalist has returned to his home-place after a traumatic weekend in London in which he was given beans every morning all over his fry. Ronnie Cherry, who also confirmed the existence of Buckingham Palace and Downing Street, says he’ll not return any time soon.
“Some shower them Londoners. I got off the plane and went into the first cafe I saw and ordered the all-day fry. The man arrived down and sure weren’t there banes threw all over it. I says to your boy I asked for a fry and he says ‘that is one, init’. It was some shock to the system. I started missing The ‘Island already. I then asked him for some tay and he brought out this vietnamese soup concoction. I was nearly in tears with homesickness and I’d only been there 45 minutes”.
Cherry later attended a soccer game in the city which added to the confusing nature of the weekend break.
“I hadn’t a clue who was playing – Arsenholes and Vanilla or something – but sure they don’t know the rules at all. No 45s, only 2 lads on the field knew to use their hands, no reward for points. I got thrown out near the end for cheering any points the Arsenholes did score. Just deadly confusing.”
After instructing the waitress not to use beans the following morning, Ronnie’s worst nightmare occurred:
“I said to her ‘no banes’ and she just looked blankly at me. It’s like it is an impossible thing to do over there as she returned with the whole plate dripping in banes. I let rip at her and accused her of all sorts of racism before I was ushered off the premises”.
Cherry did confirm that all those landmarks you’d see on TV like the Thames, police men with hats, double decker buses and the House of Commons actually do exist.
“aye, we were wrong about that. We’d long believed the English made those places up to make them sound rich and all. I’d dare say the Queen is real too”
Cherry brought home 5000 sticks of rock for everyone in the town.
Tyrone Tribulations 