Priest Admits He’s Not Deadly At Marriage Guidance
Photo by Lee Jackson
An Omagh clergyman has broken ranks from Church hierarchy by admitting he’s sort of out-of-his-depth preaching to couples about marriage and the trials and tribulations of the sacrament.
Fr Turley, who turned 68 on Monday, acknowledged that there were times that he was talking ‘completely out of his hole’ about love and relationships:
“There were times when I was talking completely out of my hole”
Turley’s revelation has already sparked a reaction from Rome. Vatican officials have sent missives to all priests which will be read out at Mass on Sunday across the country. It sets out to remind worshippers that:
- Priests are married to God and have the same ups and downs real people have
- Many priests were womanisers in their teens and sometimes into their 20s
- Maynooth Seminary had biology lessons once a year where priests learned all about how they were born
Fr Turley, however, rejects the latest directive:
“What the hell do I know about women? A husband came to me recently complaining that his wife isn’t interested in nocturnal activities any more. I just told him to say three Hail Marys and the Confiteor. I was completely out of my depth.”
Turley also admitted his visits to schools to talk about relationships and love usually ended up in children throwing rubbers and crayons at him.
Meanwhile, an ecclesiastical study by Queen’s university has revealed that over 70% of Eucharistic Ministers are ‘some of the biggest crooks in the community’, a claim Fr Turley refused to refute, instead laughing and muttering something about ‘don’t I know it’.
St Enda, The Patron Saint Of Flooding, A ‘Bad Choice’ For Omagh Says Priest
Omagh this evening
Following the postponement of the replayed Tyrone final between Killyclogher and Coalisland, a Tattyreagh priest warned the Omagh club that the weather will never be kind to them as long as they continue to pay homage to St Enda, the patron saint of flooding and drenchings.
St Enda, who was a lethal soldier in his day until his sister told him to quit the killing, was known for his ability to conjure serious bad weather, whether it was a call to military arms or the building of new monastery somewhere on an island. Fr McCabe maintains he lectured Omagh GAA officials that they’d have bad luck with his name:
“St Enda was a disaster with the weather. He once commissioned the building of a grotto in Glenelly and three men working on it perished with the cold, and it the middle of July. It’s no wonder that the Omagh pitch is no better than Dungannon swimming pool on its best days.”
However, the Chairman of St Enda’s in Glengormley Co Antrim maintains that this theory is ‘a load of shite’ and that ‘Omagh was always a bog of a field, saint or no saint’.
Meanwhile, it has emerged that a misunderstanding between county officials resulted in an alternative venue being overlooked in the event of bad weather. When asked to book a Plan B for Sunday, the treasurer hired London-born Plan B – the hip-hop recording artist – who insisted he was still paid for flying over to Omagh at short notice for what he thought was the half-time show.
Finally, Frank Mitchell has denied reports that he told Barra Best to tell Adrian Logan that Sunday would be the warmest day of the year. Logan has shouldered a lot of the blame for Sunday’s fiasco after tweeting his followers to bring their sun lotion on Sunday as he had it on good authority it’d be a scorcher. Mitchell and Logan fell out last year over the paying of a round of drinks at the George Best airport.
Ulster Council Officer Hospitalised With Third-Degree Burns After Championship Draw
The Derry tube
An Ulster Council officer was said to be ‘comfortable’ this morning after he received serious burn damage to his hands and fingers seconds after drawing the tubes that sees Derry play Tyrone in next year’s Ulster Championship.
The draw, which was transmitted live on RTE2, also pitted Armagh against near neighbours Down to create two mouthwatering and lucrative fixtures for the Ulster Council. To his credit, the officer completed the draw process despite further damage to his hands when it emerged the Armagh and Down tubes were freezing cold.
An RTE studio manager attempted to explain the accident:
“It must have been the studio lights that made the Tyrone and Derry tubes heat up to 80 degrees celsius. Also, because of the length of time the draw took, the Armagh and Down tubes were like icicles by the time he got to them. That’s our explanation anyway. The Ulster man got a bit of a shock but he soldiered on through it, God help him.”
Meanwhile, neighbours confirmed that immediately after the draw was made Ronan O’Neill was spotted doing several dabs as he ran around his garden. Zachary Quinn from Gortin, a neighbour and friend, added:
“He was even doing dabs when he was getting into his motor this morning. He seems really pleased about something.”
Finally, RTE confirmed that Joe Brolly is to be given a specially-commissioned seat made of velcro to stop him sliding down off his seat in 2017.
Mid Ulster ‘Giant Gene’ Confirms Finn McCool Tackled Cookstown Woman
McCool, acting the lig
Following the news that mid-Ulster has been identified as a “giant hotspot” by scientists studying a gene defect which causes people to grow abnormally tall, a local long-standing old wives’ tale that Finn McCool spent a drunken night with a woman from Cookstown may actually be 100% true.
The gene can result in too much growth hormone, which is produced and released by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland just below the brain. It is believed that half the county have the gene though in most cases it’s rarely activated, going by the size of the Tyrone GAA team over the years.
Cookstown shopkeeper Benjamin Sheehy admitted that the development was not news to him:
“This part of the country is full of long, lanky bolloxes. See that man over there browsing around the magazine section, you should see the legs on his wife. Apparently they go the who way up.”
The Finn McCool tale was often passed off as a piece of local fiction but the news from the London School of Medicine Queen Mary appears to verify the story that he had a bit of luck with a local woman a few thousand years ago. Sheehy added:
“I’m not surprised, going by the calibre of men our women tackle outside the Greenvale on Saturday night . Anything goes it seems. McCool knew what he was at when he stopped off here. We’ve a bit of a reputation. Anyway, that’s why the Tall Ships never come here. They’re just normal ships to a lot of us.”
The Tyrone County Board have contacted as many carriers of the gene who are single at present in order to match them up so they may produce a couple of towering midfielders for 2034.
Coalisland Fianna Hire 1000 Dublin Supporters For Replay
Omagh this Sunday
Killyclogher are calling foul play after it emerged last night that over 1000 Dubs are making their way north by foot to Omagh on a daily basis to bolster the Coalisland support for the Tyrone Senior Final replay this Sunday.
In addition, it was revealed that the Fianna committee have paid for a dozen Dublin fans to arrive on the express train tomorrow morning to offer singing lessons to the Coalisland faithful including well known ditties such as ‘Come On You Boys In Blue’ and ‘Molly Malone’.
Killyclogher vice-chairman Mesut McCann blasted:
“It’s not against the rules but it’s against the spirit of the game. They’re trying to make their crowd look bigger and sound louder. It’s a disgrace but it’ll come back to bite them. There’ll be a thousands Dubs staggering around Coalisland on Sunday night and these boys wouldn’t be known for their affection for the law. I suppose they’ll blend in rightly then.”
The Dublin/Tyrone Supporters’ Club chairperson Ronald McSherry maintains that the Dublin fans are still match-fit after their recent extended run in the All-Ireland Series and will bring an unprecedented level of pure hallionism to Sunday’s affair.
Killyclogher’s plea for Omagh fans to attend in support was laughed out of it.
Sinn Fein To Host Buckfast Breakfast After Success Of DUP’s Champagne Lunch
Arlene at Sinn Fein bash?
Following the large turn out at the successful DUP Champagne Reception in an art gallery at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham, an East Tyrone Sinn Fein member has organised a Buckfast Breakfast in Coalisland where members and outsiders can come together and get lathered while chomping on Cookstown sausages and black puddings.
The innovative DUP initiative apparently saw members consume copious amounts of the devil’s buttermilk and, whilst under the influence, admit that a United Ireland mightn’t be that bad a thing really and that some Nationalists were actually dead on. Having sobered up by late evening, the DUP reverted back to their initial stance that Ulster is and always shall be British and that Nationalists are not to be trusted to even go to the shop for you.
Sinn Fein’s Malachy O’Neill is sure that a alcohol-fuelled event is the way to go:
“Adams is very keen about this. If they’re softening with a couple of Moets in them, what’ll they be like with a skinful of Buckfast in their system. We’re bringing along all sorts of contracts and agreement documents for them to sign whilst under the mellowing influence of the Lurgan Champagne. Might even get the curt from Arlene.”
O’Neill hopes that after the third bottle, Foster will hand over Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh, with Derry possibly needing a Barrack Buster thrown in.
Bull Arrested For Indecency Following New Bovine Crackdown Laws
An Eskra bull
A Ballycairn Tiergan bull has become the first victim of new draconian cattle laws which forbids various shows of indecency ranging from rampant defecation in public to open displays of romance.
The new ruling, introduced by the DUP’s Pastor William McGrin who retained his position last year as Minister for Standards and Decency, has come under fire in recent weeks for being obsolete as no beast had been convicted since its introduction.
However, PSNI officials confirmed that at 3:45pm today, a bull from Eskra was arrested for mounting three cows in the space of two hours in a field beside the local primary school.
Chief Constable Patrick Talbot confirmed:
“Today we received reports of a Tiergan bull indulging in lewd behaviour in full view of 150 schoolchildren as well as several elderly teachers who were treated for shock. On arrival, the bull continued to show no sign of control and continued to trouble the cows who just seemed to be interested in the grass. He also brazenly dunged when arrested.”
The constable revealed that Barry the bull continued to show complete disregard for authority by defecating all over the police van as well as in the incident room where he refused to answer any questions and wrecked the table.
Talbot warned:
“This is just the start. Some of the behaviour in the fields is almost worse than the scenes outside Sallys or Strabane on a Saturday night. We’ll take no prisoners. There will be many more Barrys, mark my words.”
A new Cattle Finishing School has been set up in Garvaghey to help worried farmers train their livestock to behave in a more refined manner.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART TWO: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict
In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.
Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:
PART 2:
TT: AT WHAT STAGE DID YOU REALISE YOU NEEDED HELP?
RDA: Well, I was finding it hard to get a stiffer kick that I got from dodging the cops whilst on the red. But you always look for something more. It got to the stage that I was sitting outside Willie Frazer’s house at midnight, just staring at it, for the buzz. Just looking at the front door, like. But that’s the road to nowhere.
TT: AND DID YOU SEEK HELP THEN?
RDA: Shortly after, yes. After the Tamnamore Roundabout ordeal, I kept having mad flashbacks at night and running around and around the bed, going nee-naw nee-naw and driving the wife pure mad. I’m clean now though, but it’s a one day at a time scenario.
TT: DO YOU MISS IT?
Honestly, yes. Nothing made me happier than seeing that wee plume of black smoke in the rear view mirror when I give her the wellie. The car loved it… making a wee purring noise. Or maybe that was because I drilled holes in the exhaust of the Corsa. Either way, it is hard not to pine for the good old days.
TT: AND WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?
I have lapsed the odd time and have found myself on my knees sniffing my uncle’s exhaust when he visits on a Saturday night. I dabbled in cooking oil for a while but it wasn’t the same. I’m still clean and just do the cigarette run on the normal diesel. The family are happier and I can take the children to lamping weekends and stuff. It’s all good.
IF ANYONE IS AFFECTED BY RED DIESEL ADDICTION, YOU CAN SEEK HELP BY TALKING, BUT NOT TIL THE COPS.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART ONE: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict
In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.
Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:
PART 1
TT: TELL US ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND:
RDA: I don’t remember much about my birth and the first few years but it was a happy and caring household. Both of my parents came from South Armagh and, fair play to them, held dear to their customs. Hence my current plight.
TT: AND WHEN DID YOU REALISE YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM?
RDA: Well, it wasn’t until I was 21 that the thought hit me; I’d never been to a Maxol, Texaco or BP station in my life. Then I got through the driving test and found myself doing what my oul boy used to do, filling the motor up from a hose pipe from behind the shed. It just seemed natural to me. Before long, I was a fully-blown user.
TT: SO, DESCRIBE YOUR TYPICAL DAY.
RDA: I usually wake at around 6am, before the peelers get set up on most roads. I keep a wee bit of red in a coke bottle beside the bed and sniff it first thing in the morning. It even makes the radio sound louder. Then I’m out and about early enough. I’m a border area driver and do runs of cigarettes up and down from Dublin airport. I used to drive only after dark, a night shift worker of sorts, but those hours meant I was unlikely to get a woman so I went back to the dangerous daylight shift.
TT: AND FAMILY LIFE NOW?
RDA: It has affected the family badly. There are days I can’t go out of the house for fear of peelers lurching about the place, so the young lad sometimes misses GAA matches and I feel guilty. I tried to give it up and go on the clear diesel for lent, but my family shunned me and I only lasted one night. I was back on the red the next day. Presently, I have a spare oil tank full of red diesel at home for comfort’s sake.
TOMORROW: THE DARK DAYS OF DEEP ADDICTION….STALKING WILLIE FRAZER’S HOUSE…. TAMNAMORE ROUNDABOUT FLASHBACKS….AND MUCH MORE
Experts Stumped Over Success Of Dung-Scented Toilet Roll
Aromatherapists and perfume scientists at Queen’s University have admitted to being at a loss to explain the commercial success of a Fintona-based company’s dung-scented toilet roll product.
The product, Keeper Clean, has sold over 200’000 units since its launch last week, making the new company, Red Hand Wipes, a profit of £o.5m after tax.
The idea is the brainchild of Phelim McClafferty, who stumbled upon the idea whilst out walking on the Tattymoyle Road earlier in the year. Noting how happy he felt when passing a field with freshly spread manure on it, the Fintona entrepreneur experienced a major brainwave:
“Whether we like to admit it or not, country people have a natural dispensation towards the smell of agricultural produce, and that includes all forms of excrement. It gives us a natural high and is often thought of as an aphrodisiac in some parts of the county. So I put two and two together and got five. To be brutally honest, I’d no idea what I was doing and still can’t make sense of it, but it’s making me a wealthy man.”
Shopkeepers have reported sporadic fights in stores as far away as Strabane over the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll as shelves are bare within minutes of a refill of the product. PSNI have urged shoppers to stay calm as the company have promised another five million units of the product are in the final stages of production.
Queen’s University chief scientist Dr Hillary Twelvetrees added:
“It makes no sense at all. Walking into one of the bathrooms containing the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll must be an overpowering experience. The more I think of it, country people are pure mental.”
The toilet roll can be bought for £5.99.
What’s On Tyrone TV This Weekend
Saturday
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
Sunday
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Mayo in August
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
Sunday Game Studio In Doubt For All Ireland Replay
GAA headquarters were today said to be frantically searching for an alternative location for RTE’s live broadcast for the All-Ireland Final replay after over 3cm of Joe Brolly’s slabbers fell onto the studio floor before, during and after the drawn final, causing permanent damage to the extensive electronic equipment.
Inside sources maintain the biggest deluge occurred at half time when the Dungiven barrister considered the possibility that supernatural forces were preventing Mayo from gaining their first All-Ireland title since 1951.
Cameraman and ex-Leitrim great Gerry Sullivan explained:
“Even when he arrived he started slabberin about how deadly Dublin were, calling them the second coming and stuff like that. Spillane nearly broke his hip slipping on the Derry man’s drool as he arrived into the studio. At half time, a quarter of our electronic devices were saturated in saliva.”
Michael Lyster attempted to persuade Brolly to don a see-thru bib for the after-match analysis but was thwarted after being electrocuted by Joe’s mic.
An RTE meteorologist confirmed that over 3.2cm of slabber fell in a 3-hour period in the studio, similar to the amount of rainfall collected in the whole of Strabane during the same period. DNA experts believe only 2.9cm of the drool was from the Brolly gene with the remaining 0.3cm shared between O’Rourke and Spillane.
Producers have since vowed never to allow Brolly and Martin McHugh to appear in the same studio at the same time.
East Tyrone Priest To Introduce Lingerie Sunday To Attract More Worshippers
Raring for a good Mass
An innovative clergyman has decided to push the boat out and explore new waters in his attempt to drag Catholicism into the 21st century.
Fr Benjamin Magee, who has overseen recent successful initiatives such as iPad Sunday, Hungover Sunday and Witch Sunday, hopes Lingerie Sunday will see the biggest congregation since last year’s Slabberin Sunday when twelve local slabbers were given 4 minutes each to talk about anything they want after the gospel reading.
Fr Magee explained:
“I’ve sent out notes in the bulletin to explain that women, and men for that matter as it is 2016, are encouraged to attend next week wearing lingerie. Anything goes…suspenders, stockings or brassieres of all sorts are acceptable. I expect it to be a lot safer than Witch Sunday when the local hags nearly burnt down the tabernacle by chanting at it.”
Fr Magee, or Benjamin as he prefers to be called, is in the running for Priest of the Year after increasing attendances from 250 to 500 in the space of a year due to his themed Sundays. Although the Vatican have yet to sanction the initiative, insiders believe the Papal Council are delighted at the increased collection money from an area they once described as ‘the most heathen parish in Europe’.
Early reports indicates tents have already been set up outside the church, with many middle-aged bachelor farmers suddenly finding a greater interest in religion and prayers have already been heard from a great number of excitable cattle experts.
One man (56), who wishes to remain anonymous, told us:
“This is going to be deadly. God works in mysterious ways but he has come up trumps again. It’s the bigger wemen I’m into and I’m glad Fr Benjamin has promised the healthier eaters extra prayers if they attend in their intimate garb. I can’t stop rubbing my hands.”
Mass starts at 12pm on Sunday, standing room only.
Hillary Clinton Was Most Likely Wrote-Off Says Tyrone Doctor
Plastered?
Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.
Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:
“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”
Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:
“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”
McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.
Skinnymalinks Weight Loss Club Sets Unusual Targets
A new weight loss programme set up outside Dungannon claims its targets are ‘realistic’ and not oppressive like other similar initiatives.
‘Skinnymalinks’, set up by former 33-stone layabout Tommy Weldon from the town, urges its members to work towards modest goals such as ‘walk to the Chinese instead of getting a delivery’ and ‘try not to eat cake every day’.
Weldon, who dropped to 25 stone after a year’s Skinnymalinks dieting, explained:
“These other slimming fads place too value much on science and ask things that are almost impossible of dieters such as eating fruit and vegetables. It’s a common sense thing to say that if you walk to the chip shop or Indian takeaway you’re probably burning up half the meal anyway in exercise. And if you walk really fast you can probably have prawn crackers too.”
Skinnymalinks also recommends other unusual weight loss ideas such as cutting a cake up really quickly to burn more calories with frantic wrist action as well as leaving one or two chips on the plate after a fish supper.
“We’re not into treat days or sins or what have you. Just keep doing what you’re doing but just do it slightly faster. The rewards mightn’t show on the scales all the time but it’s all do to with convincing yourself you’re healthy.”
Mr Weldon also advises new members to wear heavier clothes for the first weighing session, with no limit on layers.
“Some weeks we don’t weigh you at all and just take a generous guess by the look of you.”
Police Chase Suspected Red Dieseler For 4 Hours around Tamnamore Roundabout
Due to recent media reports of PSNI officials speeding in their work motors, a police car was unable to catch a man suspected of using agricultural diesel in his Ford Mondeo for over four hours around the Tamnamore Roundabout.
The Police Service of Northern Ireland have come under fire recently after it emerged that hundreds of their vehicles have been caught speeding over the last 24 months. In the aftermath of the report, police cars have been under strict orders to observe normal speeding restrictions no matter what incident they are attending to.
Gary Grant, a strawberry vendor near the roundabout, explained what he saw unfold yesterday:
“I saw the Mondeo approach the roundabout with a police car behind it flashing its lights and sounding the siren. Adhering to roundabout etiquette, the cops kept to the 30mph limit whilst the Mondeo hovered around 30-32 mph, depending on how close the cop car got to it. This went on for four hours. The man in the Mondeo even ordered three pallets of strawberries during the ordeal which I threw through his window.”
The Mondeo finally sped off down the M1 after the PSNI vehicle made a move towards the service station to top up on fuel.
Police HQ refused to comment on the incident but admitted to infiltrating the new social media site set up by drivers to warn other motorists of diesel dippers in the area. Posting as ‘Cooking Oil Expert’, a media-savvy police official befriended several dipper dodgers, one of whom being the suspected Mondeo driver.
‘Mondeo Lover’ recently posted a message on the site saying “ring a ring ‘o roses, ye boy ye” – a direct taunt to his pursuer on the roundabout.
Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics
Typical O’Neill from Coalisland
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
20’000 Attend Party For Parents As Children Return To School
An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.
Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.
Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:
“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”
Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today. Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.
Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.
Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone
Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.
Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.
One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.
Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:
“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”
Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.
Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:
“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”
PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.
Frampton Of The Opera Gets Green Light For Moy Festival
Organisers of The Moy’s Annual Outdoor Summer Gala have pulled off a major coup by persuading double world champion Carl Frampton to sing opera songs for two hours on the back of a lorry in the village on the final day of the gala.
Promoted as ‘Frampton of the Opera’, the Belfast boxer will perform hits such as ‘The Music of the Night’ and ‘Phantom of the Opera’ as well as other well-known operatic numbers including ‘Nessun Dorma’ and ‘Ave Maria’ for two hours. Barry McGuigan, an accomplished singer himself, has already begun training his protégé in a studio in Monaghan.
Moy Gala organiser Calum ‘Rosy’ O’Makily maintains he was always confident that his Frampton of the Opera would always come off:
“Years ago we persuaded another Belfast boxer, Wayne McCullough, to do a whole concert of Prince songs which we called ‘Purple Wayne’ and he was brilliant. These boxers are afeared of nothing and I’ve the utmost respect for them. Sean Cavanagh and Philly Jordan are heroes around here but they weren’t interested in doing the opera. Frampton never even had to think about it before accepting our offer.”
O’Makily confirmed that the only payment Frampton will receive is a packet of crisps and some mineral as all money made by the concert will go towards a bronze statue of Ryan Mellon who scored the first point in the 2005 All-Ireland Final.
The statue has been a thorn of contention for the village as it emerged Mellon is related to O’Makily and he actually came 18th in a poll carried out as to who it should be, with the fiction character of E.T. initially winning the vote.
Frampton of the Opera will take place on the last Sunday in August, before the unveiling of the statue.
Tyrone Tribulations 