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Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.
We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;
20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.
19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.
18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;
I wanna take you to Coalisland
And count the off-licences per man
And in the evening when the sun goes down
We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station
17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.
16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.
15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)
14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.
13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.
12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.
11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.
10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.
9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.
8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.
7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.
6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!
5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.
4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.
3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.
2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.
And of course topping the list
1. Ballyronan
Prosperous Priest Admits He’s A Shopaholic
Fr Butler’s hallway
Plumbridge clergyman Fr Butler, nicknamed ‘The Plum’s Prosperous Priest’, has admitted he can’t go past a shop without buying something shiny or golden but has vowed to say longer masses to make up for his lavish spending.
Parish accountant Jack Spratt reckons Fr Butler, who boasts a fleet of Citroen Dyanes and three Saudi Abrabian crowns, has spent almost £1.2m in the last 15 years, mostly the takings from Sunday collections and tenners given to him at weddings or christenings. Also amongst his possessions is a private plane with a Lithuanian pilot and two chairs made from Indian horses.
Butler admitted he might seek treatment for his monetary addiction:
“It’s a terrible affliction. When I was being handed a fiver or tenner after a funeral all I could think about was going into Omagh and buying something shiny like a chain for around me neck or maybe golden tips for my laces. Then ten pounds would lead to me taking the whole of the weekend’s collections and going out to an auction in Cookstown and buying all manner of second-hand shiny stuff like hefty medallions or golden chalices for the house. I was out of control.”
Concerns were raised about Fr Butler’s spending when a school trip to his house revealed the extent of his shopping habits. Master McGrath, principal of Plumbridge Academy, told us:
“I was dumbstruck. House? More like a 5-star hotel. On entering his abode I noticed all the door knobs were made of solid African gold and hanging from the ceilings were the most extravagant Brazilian chandeliers you’ll ever see. It was like a scene out of Dynasty. What came next was a real eye-opener. Fr Butler was sitting at a golden table, wearing a shiny crown made of sparkling jewels as well as a sparkling cloak and his maid was feeding him Jamaican grapes from a massive glittery silver spoon. All he gave the children was a packet of crisps and a Tip Top mineral with straw.”
The shamed clergyman has vowed to make it up to his flock by saying extra long masses and handing out shorter penances after confessions.
New Dungannon ‘Roadkill Restaurant’ Defends Accusations
What the hell is it?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A new restaurant recently opened in Dungannon has denied accusations that it has been serving up animals killed by traffic on the nearby motorway.
‘McGlone’s Dead-Tasty Restaurant’ in Irish Street, which was opened only two weeks ago by former slaughterhouse worker Eugene McGlone with the slogan, ‘Fresh Meat, Straight From The Grill’, prompted a series of complaints to the Foods Standards Agency about the source of many of the ingredients.
Angry diner Damian Gormley from Plumbridge fumed:
“It says on their website, ‘Come in and enjoy our great food, just off the M1’. Now I know exactly what it means. Scraped off the bloody M1, that’s what. The hoors. I wouldn’t go back in there if you paid me. The menu’s a disgrace. Shepherd’s Pie my arse. More like German Shepherd’s Pie”.
Diners became suspicious after finding that nearly all the main course dishes were peculiarly flat, including, ‘Eugene’s Four-Meat Omelette’, ‘Protein Pizza Platter’, and ‘Begley’s Big Meaty Pancake’, a dish comprising what appeared to be a number of different types of unspecified meat.
Another unhappy customer Liz McGee from Ballygawley said,
“Jays, you could practically smell the engine oil off the food. It gave me the heave. If that McGlone thinks I’m going to put his ‘Meaty Waffles’ anywhere my mouth, he can think on. Anyone who seems to take Toad In The Hole literally is in the wrong game. I tried complaining, but the music was so loud you couldn’t hear a thing. The menu said that they serve up ‘bumper portions’. Now I know what it means”.
McGlone however refused to be drawn about the source of his food.
“All I’ll say is that we’re very aware of the importance of sustainability and the environment and suchlike. That’s why all of our food is local, from within 10 miles. Or 20 if you go as far as the M12 to Cookstown. Some of them lorries are going deadly fast”.
McGlone also denied that the background music was turned up loud to drown out the sound of diners retching.
Rumours also surfaced that McGlone was spotted last Thursday night standing on the side of the M1 near Moygashel with a pepper grinder, a spade, and a hopeful look on his face.
Facebook Spells The End For BBC And UTV Weather Updates
BY BIDDY ANN
Facebook status updates regarding weather conditions have resulted in two prominent celebrity weathermen becoming worryingly disgruntled and fearful for their profession. Both UTV and BBC bosses have issued a public apology for all those affected by the recent projected weather forecast job cuts and promise to move Frank Mitchell and Barra Best sidewards into presenting ‘animal or motorbike shows or something’.
The decision has left over 150 people potentially out of work, including the woman who shines Barra Best’s head five minutes before going on air. Many others within the meteorological industry are worried about their future after it was decided that neither company really required the service any further. Both stations believe Facebook status updates are to blame for the devaluing of the traditional end-of-bulletin weather news.
Linda Hoey, head of BBC Weather, issued the following statement via Facebook this morning:
“We are extremely sorry but sadly there is no demand for weather forecasts in 2014. It seems Facebook has taken over in regards predicting immediate weather patterns. Last week, I counted nine status updates in the space of half an hour from the same woman in Cookstown, each one informing me of the chances of rain and whether it’ll be a cold one tonight or not. How can the BBC compete with that?”
Sally Eastwood, the Tyrone woman in question, refused to accept accountability for the job losses:
“Aye, dead on. Best and Mitchell are just caught out. Just because they have deadly posh accents means people thought they were weather gods. Well, Facebook and Twitter have turned the tables on them boys. Anyway, when was the last time Mitchell had Cookstown as his weather watching camera? He had Charlemont the last day. Charlemont, like?”
Four hours after the decision, UTV’s weatherman and all-round celebrity Frank Mitchell was spotted semi-naked around the Ormeau Park area in Belfast in a mildly-excited state. Police later fired a tranquiliser dart and captured the disgruntled Down man, who is reported to have exclaimed, “Sack me? Sack me? I’m Frank Mitchell! I made the UTV!”
Wife Throws Husband Out Over Car Sat-Nav Woman
Samantha
A Cookstown couple’s marriage was last night said to be ‘on the rocks’ after a row over the built-in sat-nav in an Audi A3.
John Mulligan, a 43-year old fencer, was described by close friends as being ‘head-over-heels’ in love with his sat-nav he called ‘Samantha’. Neighbour and fellow handball player Conor Flynn admitted he saw the break-up coming many weeks ago:
“I told him to wise up but there was no talking to him. He’d go out four or five times a day for a spin in his car with the window down and you’d hear him talking away to the sat-nav, telling it jokes and yarns about the olden days. She’d be saying stuff like ‘at the roundabout take the first exit onto the Omagh Road’ and you’d see him laughing his head off and winking and pouting. He gave me a lift to Belfast one day and spent the entire journey talking about the adventures him and ‘Samantha’ had been on and how she was deadly craic.”
John’s long-suffering wife, Joanne, spoke of her battle for her husband’s attention:
“Even if we were just going half a mile down the straight road to the local shop he’d be shouting at me to shut up in case Samantha said something. Sometimes he’d drive past our destination on purpose to send the sat-nav into overdrive and he’d be blushing at it saying ‘turn around now’ or stuff like that. That bloody computer woman was driving a wedge between us. It was me or her.”
Earlier, eye-witnesses saw Joanne land a blow on Samantha with a rolling pin, sparking this latest fallout. Mulligan was seen leaving their house today with several bags packed and clearly holding Samantha the sat-nav under his arm.
Friends claim John and Samantha are off to Bundoran for a wild weekend and seeing how things go from there.
Galbally Woman Celebrates Joining Gym With A Slap-Up Sausage Supper
A Galbally teacher has become the first Galballian to join a real gym after signing up to a special offer of £300 a year exclusive membership to the Cookstown Phoenix, and promptly celebrated her decision by treating herself to a Bumper Jumbo Sausage Supper at the mobile van on the road to Omagh.
Henrietta McGirr, a 32 year old teacher of Latin and Dance, took the momentous step after seeing a girl on the TV who ‘looked deadly‘ after joining a gym in America and lost three stone in two years and generally felt ‘awesome‘. After an extensive search, McGirr plumped for the Cookstown Phoenix Complex after its deal was splashed across the Tyrone Courier last week.
“My family said I was mad joining a gym but someone has to do it. They were saying these gym owners pump you full of steroids and make you lift stuff like furniture and bricks so that they can build extensions onto their premises. Well, there’s only one way to find out. People can be so suspicious around these parts.”
McGirr’s father, an ex-professional walker, maintains Henrietta has been hoodwinked:
“Codology. Everyone knows these gym people brainwash you by using magic mirrors that make you look heftier than you are and then when you’re bent over lifting something they run up behind you an inject horse adrenaline into you and then you’re hooked. We’re hoping she’ll wean off it somehow.”
Henrietta remains defiant and whilst wolfing down a sausage surprise in her Ford Focus on the hard shoulder she told us:
“I’m determined to show Galbally that these gyms are legit things. I’ve no interest in following the traditional fitness routine here of lifting dogs and running down the road. Sure even if I just use the showers there it’s £300 well spent in my book”
US Government Demand Words ‘Deadly’ and ‘Lethal’ Be Outlawed In Tyrone
En route to Strabane
White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
Local 500-Year Old Castle To Be Replaced With 2-Year Old Bouncy Castle
Proposed castle
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local man has confirmed that he is well on his way to securing significant funding for the redevelopment of the little-known Cappagh Castle on Lurgylea Road.
The news follows an article in last week’s Tyrone Times that one of Tyrone’s most important ancient sites, Tullyhogue Fort outside Cookstown, is to receive a major investment of almost £500K over the next two years.
“If them Tullyhogue boys can get a lock of pounds, then so can Cappagh”, said self-appointed spokesperson 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional grass grower from Altmore. “And we’re only asking for £100,000. You can buy a whole clatter of stuff with £100,000. There’s money to be made here. For the County, of course”,
he added hurriedly, whilst winking and rubbing his hands.
Kerrigan detailed his plans, saying,
“Cappagh Castle is fine, but it could be better. And in particular, much much bouncier. So we’re going to get planning permission to do away with all the old stones and all that ancient muck and build a huge bouncy castle. Jays, they’ll come from miles around boys”.
Asked whether a bouncy castle wouldn’t detract from what is currently a site of immense historical and cultural significant dating back to the 16th Century, Kerrigan replied,
“That’s the beauty of a bouncy castle. It’s a castle, isn’t it? We’re just replacing like for like really. And it will all be in keeping with all that ancient stuff, because I’m sure some of them medieval boys had helter skelters in the olden days too. And dodgem cars. Oh, and a Laserquest. It’s going to be quare”.
Many residents have not responded well to the news. Jack Toner, a 52 year old snake charmer from Sessiadonaghy Road, said,
“The press release said that the Castle’s a large mound next to Cappagh village, which has a depressed centre and is surrounded by trees. Depressed? How dare they, cheeky feckers. We’ve got our own recycling centre you know. And a new ‘Give Way’ road sign”, he added proudly.”
Cappagh Castle was reportedly built by Vikings who invaded Tyrone hundreds of years ago but thought the women were deadly and settled into the local lifestyle.
Diary Of Drumragh Full Back To Rival Mulligan Book On Shelves. Exclusive Extracts.
An explosive ‘warts and all’ publication by a Drumragh footballer is predicted to wipe the floor with Owen Mulligan’s best-seller ‘Mugsy’ when it is released this weekend in a shop near Tattyreagh. Barney McLoughlin’s ‘ She’s Mine, Boys‘ tells the story of a season in the full back position for one of Tyrone’s most famous clubs against the backdrop of his attempts to win the heart of local farmer girl who’s only related really far out.
In a coup for Tyrone Tribulations, McLoughlin has allowed us access to his sensational autobiography and we are in a privileged position to leak a couple of mind-boggling extracts to our readers.
Jan 15th
FIRST DAY OF TRAINING
Holy Jaysus I did some vomiting there. The boss made us do 2 laps of the field followed by 100 star jumps. We’re not used to this modern hi-tech stuff so the lads are a bit suspicious of boss Maguire. ‘He’s tramping us into shite’ said captain Toner half way through the first lap. We grin and bear it anyway and what keeps me going is the thought that Mary will be in the house treating my da’s veruca in her nurse’s uniform. Even when I’m throwing up I’m thinking of her thick black hair that seems to merge into her skin around her neck, back and front.
March 18th
AWAY TO BROCAGH
Some bating we took. I think it was 4-23 to 1-1 although the referee gave them everything. We might appeal but the boss always says that. My man scored 4-10. On the way home we had some craic and captain Toner mooned out the window at Owen Mulligan in his garden in Cookstown. As luck would have it, Mugsy was mooning at the exact same time to the Tyrone management team so he completely missed us. Mooning is great and bonds us all together or so Captain Toner says. He takes his trousers off a lot come to think of it.
JULY 19th
CHAMPIONSHIP DAY
Took some hiding from Dungannon. I think my man scored 5-12 but I was hung out to dry by the corner backs. I was glad to get home and Mary was treating my father’s bunions. I didn’t know he had any so I’m a bit suspicious now as he’s not related at all to her. I will buy a cord jacket and impress her.
DECEMBER 24TH
LAST LEAGUE GAME
Took a hiding from Fintona. My man scored 3-11 and was taken off at half time. Didn’t finish bottom though and we’re delighted about that. Christmas tomorrow. We all sang Christmas songs in the showers. Captain Toner went a bit far though and gave half the side a personal rendition of Santa Baby, in the nude. Came home to give Mary her present. Wore my cord jacket. Daddy had lipstick all over his face……
The rest of this riveting autobiography ‘She’s Mine, Boys‘ can be purchased for £19.99 at two or three decent bookstores.
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
East Tyrone People Closely Related To Baboons
Artist’s impression of Washingbay man around 2000 years ago
Scientists in America have confirmed that recents tests show residents of East Tyrone are even more closely related to baboons than what had already been suspected. Professor Kenny Cullen, from the Institution of Biology and Genetics in Boston, spent five months in Ardboe after a year-long stay in Zambia. He is convinced that at around the time of Jesus, there were more baboons on the loughshore than humans.
“Yes, I’m totally convinced now. I enjoyed my time in Ardboe but I could easily have been in the jungles of Zambia and Tanzania. The similarities of the baboon community and everyone from Pomeroy eastwards was remarkably similar. Physically, both sets of males have powerful jaws, thick body hair and sharp teeth. The women on both sides have protruding buttocks which they use to impress the males, especially around Brocagh. That’s only the tip of the iceberg.”
The biological togetherness doesn’t end there. Prof Cullen also noticed a remarkable alikeness for behaviour:
“They both like running about aimlessly in open fields, hunting in packs for food at any time of day and night, eating a lot of fish and grass, and showing aggression by stripping their teeth and screaming or smacking their own lips. In Derrylaughan they beat their chests when not getting served in time in Falls’ shop or pub. It’s quite remarkable.”
Cullen admits that East Tyrone humans have evolved somewhat in order to fit into a more civilised world without shocking visitors from the west or other communities.
“Fortunately, the human variation has modified their behaviour somewhat. For example, the East Tyrone male does not attempt to woo a partner by grooming their target and eating any nits they find on her mane. One Coalisland human tried that at a disco in Cookstown and was met with a swift and painful handbag whelp across his face.”
Professor Cullen is to embark on another 10-years mission to discover the links between West Tyrone locals and wild feral dogs.
Dr Brian Cox Can’t Explain Concept Of Time In Stewartstown
A Stewartstown taxi-driver
After five days of intensive observation, housewife eye-candy Dr Brian Cox has headed back to England ‘despondent and bewildered’ after failing to explain how time has developed completely different dimensions in Stewartstown compared to everywhere else in the world.
Speaking from his laboratory in London, Cox revealed a few of the unsolvable conundrums which have left him a broken man:
“They kept this from us at the College of Physics I went to. For example, on the first night I went for a pint in the Roadside Tavern and the bartender said he’s be with me ‘in a minute’. I timed him and he returned to me in 4 mins 33 seconds. In that period he had checked the horse racing and spoke to another punter about Logan and the Under 21s. I just couldn’t work out if I’d just witnessed time travel or not. I couldn’t sleep that night.”
As Cox collected more evidence of a parallel universe in Stewartstown he explained another phenomenon which confirmed that time had different properties in mid-Ulster.
“I wanted to go to Cookstown to buy jeans in the world-famous market and asked a local if I needed to get a bus to there. He said it was ‘only down the road’ and that it was only ‘a locka minutes’. TWO HOURS it took walking and I was near wrote off on the Poplar Hill Road by a boy from Lissan in an Escort. That confirmed to me that ‘time’ as we know it has bypassed Stewartstown.”
Cox is also investigating the possibility that time is also standing still since the 80s after discovering the following telltale signs:
- 80% of 40 year olds are still wearing A-Team sweatshirts
- Every night closing time in pubs is signalled by the playing of ‘The Final Countdown’ by Europe
- Many parents collected their children from school on space-hoppers
- ‘I Shot JR’ is spray-painted on most gable walls.
- ‘Big Hair and Mullet’ combo sales in local barbers.
PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses
PSNI tightening up
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Cookstown Writer ‘Certain’ That Next James Bond Movie Will Be Filmed In Tyrone
Bond for Cookstown?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A self-styled scriptwriter from Tyrone has confirmed that he has received an ‘almost definite yes’ from Hollywood that the next James Bond film will be based in and around Tyrone.
“I finished the script last week and sent if off”, declared a proud Daragh McGee, from Cookstown. “And I’ve had a letter back thanking me for it. It’s a done deal as far as I’m concerned. Bond is coming to Tyrone!” He went on, “See, lots of ‘Skyfall’ got filmed in London, so we’ll do the same in Tyrone. We’ll showcase the county. Imagine doing some of it in Greencastle. That’d be deadly. And they can use special effects to get rid of all the weird-looking ones in the final cut. Some boost for the area and the revenue could be spent on free drink or something for the locals”.
McGee was coy about revealing too much of the story, and then promptly told us the entire plot.
“Bond becomes embroiled in this conspiracy all about dirty diesel. He flies helicopters, shoots stuff, kills people, and gives a few deadly-lookin’ wemin plenty of hammer along the way”, said the writer. He admitted, “It might need a bit more work but them Hollywood boys can sort it out. I’ve done the hard bit. And the movie ends in this lethal fight to the death between Bond and the villain in the middle of Ballygawley roundabout with lorries and tractors whizzin’ by. Imagine that. Class”.
McGee as yet is undecided on a title but says he is toying with the idea of ‘From Cappagh with Love’, or ‘Quantum of Diffing’.
The Cookstown man has always had a deep fondness for the Bond movies.
“Nobody knows the James Bond films like me”, he asserted. “I know them inside out and back to front. As the current Bond, I’d say Pierce Brosnan is definitely the best. He was deadly in ‘The Spies Who Loved Them’. Some film”.
The scriptwriter confirmed that he has already commenced auditioning for the part of the beautiful Bond girl, and also for other parts.
“For the evil villain I wanted someone that looks tara scary and grotesque, like Gollum out of ‘Lord of The Rings’ only worser and uglier. I auditioned down in Mountfield last Friday night and there was that many I was fighting them off with a stick. I’m not even sure some of them were there for the evil villain audition. They were just hanging around. At least we’d save on the prosthetic make-up”. McGee went on to add, “Come to think of it, some of the wemin who turned up for the Bond girl could probably have auditioned for it”.
McGee concluded, “Thon Alfred Hitchcock was some boy to have written all those James Bond books. I hope to be able to tell him that in person if he comes over for the filming and stuff. He can stay at my aunt’s in Donaghmore. She’s got a spare settee and sleeping bag”.
Tyrone News In Brief – July 2013 – O’Driscoll/Snowden/Pomeroy
O’DRISCOLL AND MULLIGAN DROWN SORROWS TOGETHER
Brian – not in deadly form
It emerged this morning that Brian O’Driscoll immediately Skyped Owen Mulligan in Cookstown after hearing he had been dropped from the Lions side to face Australia in the final test. Needing to find comfort in the aftermath of his devastating news, O’Driscoll quickly contacted Mulligan over the Internet and they reportedly drank the night away sharing stories of heartbreak before breaking into a few songs. A source close to Mulligan told us:
“Jaysus Mugsy had some head on him this morning. Apparently they both ran out of liquor at about 3am our time so O’Driscoll told him to drink some oul water that Owen had been cleaning his paint brushes in whilst the Dub quaffed fermented coconut milk. I could hear the whole thing. They were crying at one stage, calling their managers all the names of the day before I heard O’Driscoll break into Dirty Old Town followed by Mugsy’s rendition of Horse It Into Ye Cynthia. It seemed liked great craic. It turned sour at the end though and they effed each other off before calling it a day.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN TO SEEK ASYLUM IN DUNGANNON
Edward Snowden, the US National Security Agency whistleblower, has been offered asylum in Dungannon today, possibly around the White City area of the town. Deputy Lord Mayoress Jane Hurson confirmed that he’d be welcome in Dungannon as long as he abides by a couple of rules:
“Yes, we’re happy to nip in in front of them Koreans, Bolivians or Ecuadorians. Dungannon is a safe haven for boys like Snowden but he’ll have to abide by a couple of conditions. Firstly, he must spend all his money in local shops and not be buying stuff over the Internet. Secondly, he’s not allowed to use his whistleblowing skills in the White City as regards families doing the double, claiming for DLA or dirty diesel. If he does he’ll get some kicking from me.”
Hagan’s Bar have already planned a ‘Snowden Night’ theme with people asked to dress up as spies or Americans or simply bring whistles.
POMEROY IS JUST A BIG SPEED BUMP BETWEEN STEWARTSTOWN AND CARRICKMORE
Under the 100 year document release policy, the Tyrone Council have revealed that Pomeroy was originally built to slow down horses and carts ‘flying’ between Stewartstown and Carrickmore as well as Cookstown to Beragh. Pomeroy burglar Kevin Og Devlin was not impressed:
“It all makes sense now. We thought people were slowing down to take in the majestic views or to marvel at the architecture of the Credit Union, the Medical Hall, the bookies or the vets. Turns out not a bit of it. They’re just slowing down so that the suspension doesn’t wreck itself. You don’t know how bad we feel today to be a glorified speed bump. Well, feck them. We’re blocking off the Termon Road, Tandragee Road, Edendoit Road and the Pomeroy Road for a fortnight. That’ll learn them.”
Ardboe Pensioner Creates 5-Mile Tailback Going to Omagh
Gonzales Quinn last week
An Ardboe octogenarian created havoc in mid-Ulster yesterday after setting out on a 37 mile journey to Omagh to visit a sister he hadn’t seen since 1988. James ‘Gonzales’ Quinn, a former eel skinner and well known for his speedy knife method, cranked up his 1957 Wolseley for a journey that would hold Tyrone to a standstill as 944 motors found themselves stuck behind him up the Omagh Road for almost four hours. One such driver, Peter Devlin from Carnan, explained:
“Jaysus it was cat. I was also heading to Omagh to pick up a part for a woman’s undergarment when I found myself directly behind Gonzales at the Cookstown roundabout. I remember being stuck behind him in 1996 but overtook him when he stopped the car near the Battery for a bite of a sandwich. This time, he wasn’t stopping. Twice I made the move to go by him only for Gonzales to veer right over the middle lines. Any other man and you’d think he was winding you up. Not Gonzales. He’s just a wild man at the wheel, and him doing 20mph.”
By the time Quinn reached Kildress, a line of 200 cars had formed behind him, mostly at a snail’s pace. One impatient passenger, reportedly a postman from Coagh, took a head stagger and went on a rampaging 70mph bolt up the wrong way, only to be catapulted up a side road towards Greencastle when Gonzales edged out at the last minute. Paddy McCann told us:
“I saw a cavalcade going past the house at Sandholes, so like any other right-thinking man I joined in. The whole family were greatly excited in the motor, guessing away at what the queue was for. I was thinking maybe a bouncy castle at Gortin but the wife was hoping for a half price day at the Centra in Drumragh. It was a bit of a let down that it was only oul Gonzales going up to see the sister. We didn’t reach Omagh til dark.”
Quinn has yet to return as police warn motorists to listen to traffic updates for information on his journey. The PSNI also confirmed they will not be prosecuting the line of toilet-stoppers during the ordeal.
Terror In Tyrone As Windmill GFC Plan To Reform
Site for new Windmill field
Gaels throughout the county have reacted with shock to the news that Windmill GFC are on the verge of reforming and might even take up the hurling too this time. The East Tyrone outfit disbanded some time in the early 80s after a series of misdeameanours on and off the field left them unable to put out a side at any level every week. Fears that the club may reform surfaced last week when sons of ex-players were spotting running around a field for an hour, stopping only to rugby tackle haystacks or shoulder into makeshift walls. Moortown stalwart Paddy Quinn made no bones about what this means for Tyrone GAA:
“I never thought this day would come. I remember as a kid being told stories about the Big Bad Wolf, The Troll Under the Bridge and the Windmill Full Back. That was the category they were placed in. I only played the once against the Windmill in 1977 and lost my complete bottom set of teeth, and I was a sub who didn’t get on. This is bad news for the supposed hard men in the county. They’ll be whimpering in their sleep over the summer.”
The Tyrone referees’ Society have met already to reassure each other that ‘things will be alright’ according to retired umpire Gary Coyle from Stewartstown:
“One of my last matches refereeing was a game between Urney and Windmill back in 1980. Played down at the shore, Urney faced the intimidating sight of the Windmill side eating raw meat as a warm-up to the backdrop of men wrestling salmon and trout on the Lough. I sounded the final whistle with Urney a point ahead and left the pitch, slowly walking backwards, pointing a gun at the furious Windmill contingent. Unfortunately, I was hit over the head by an elderly supporter wielding an umbrella and woke up in Cookstown, stripped bare, with my hands superglued to my head. We need to be prepared this time.”
Windmill’s new chairman, Vinny ‘Cut throat’ Dawson, says they will not be forgetting their roots:
“They said they’ll give us a go at division three next year. If I was the Brocagh chairman, I’d pull them out. We have long memories here and can vivdly recall the day they overturned the Maxi belonging to our manager back in 1982 down at their place. Long memories.”
Their first friendly is pencilled in for August 21st against a Maghaberry Prison GAA Select.
Cookstown Officially Diagnosed As Stuck In 80s Timewarp
Cookstown man this morning
A bunch of psychologists have today released a 4000-page document confirming what people in Stewartstown and Kildress have believed for years – Cookstown is still stuck in the 1980s in terms of fashion, music and general culture. The startling diagnosis comes in the aftermath of a huge Dallas party in the Glenavon at the weekend when over 3000 revellers came dressed as JR, Bobby and Sue Ellen, i.e. just in their normal clothes. Kirk Kilpatrick from the Drum Road wasn’t surprised:
“No big news really. Sure you only have to dander in to the market on a Saturday and you’ll hear ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet blaring out of the tape decks in their Datsuns down the main street. I go to the Greenvale on a Saturday night and it’s hard to get near the bar at all with the forest of perms and mullets all over the joint. That’s if you didn’t get an eye taken out with the shoulder pads. An awful lot of the lads hanging around the corners have moustaches like Magnum PI trying to chat up women with luminous leg-warmers and fingerless gloves. They make us Kildressians look hip.”
Cookstown mayor Jenny Mulgrew maintains the verdict is nothing to be ashamed of:
“So what? People say the 80s were the best decade what with Rocky 4 and the Rubik’s Cube. Them people in The Rock or Tullyhogue might think they’re ‘with it’ with their mobile phones and cars with 5 gears but put it like this, we still have to find out who shot JR, whether ET gets home or not and if big Art will lead Tyrone to the promised land. Some effin excitement ahead of us.”
Eoin Mulligan is to be approached about bring the town into the 90s by running a few raves at his pub.
Miss Cookstown 2013
Police Outlaw East Tyrone ‘How’s She Cuttin’ In-Car Hand Gesture
The cuttin sign
The PSNI today announced that, from June 1st 2021, anyone seen spreading their fingers out wide up against their windscreen in a ‘how’s she cuttin’ manner as they meet another motorist will have 6 points added to their licence as well as face a £300 on the spot fine.
Since cars were first used in the lowlands in 1972, motorists from Moortown down to Derrytresk have greeted each other with the ninety degree hand gesture. It is only in recent years that passengers have joined in on the greeting, making driving somewhat treacherous according to Chief Constable Kitty O’Hare:
“It’s just too dangerous. I was attending a disagreement over access to a field in Drumurrer last week and kept an eye on the amount of cars offering their greetings to the arguing farmers. One car passed by and as well as the driver and passenger giving the ‘cuttin’ sign, three children in the back leapt forward into the front to add their ‘hello’. So, there were five hands spread out over the windscreen. How can anyone drive like that? We’ll be running courses in the near future for all motorists east of Cookstown to take which will promote simply raising your finger on the steering wheel and nodding.”
Locals have reacted strongly to the news. Brocagh cat neuterer Harry Turner says he’ll not be changing.
“My father and my father’s father gave the ‘cuttin’ sign on the windscreen. I myself have used two hands if I really liked the person. The police would serve their time better out chasing the perverts down at the Washingbay watching the women bathing in the Lough.”
Constable O’Hare also suggested coming up with a new greeting and will be calling in to homes starting at Tamnamore next week.
“Think about it – ‘How’s she cuttin’ and the reply ‘rightly’ makes no sense at all. Apparently the ‘cuttin’ thing is farmer talk dating back 100 years ago when farmers would discuss how good their wives were at cutting up the potatoes. We’re suggesting it’s replaced with ‘Greetings and Salutations’, with the reply ‘Why, thank you sir’.”
Harry Turner, when asked if he’ll buy into the new language, simply said ‘away te feck’.
Tyrone Tribulations 