Author Archives: Gombeen
Terror In Tyrone As Windmill GFC Plan To Reform
Site for new Windmill field
Gaels throughout the county have reacted with shock to the news that Windmill GFC are on the verge of reforming and might even take up the hurling too this time. The East Tyrone outfit disbanded some time in the early 80s after a series of misdeameanours on and off the field left them unable to put out a side at any level every week. Fears that the club may reform surfaced last week when sons of ex-players were spotting running around a field for an hour, stopping only to rugby tackle haystacks or shoulder into makeshift walls. Moortown stalwart Paddy Quinn made no bones about what this means for Tyrone GAA:
“I never thought this day would come. I remember as a kid being told stories about the Big Bad Wolf, The Troll Under the Bridge and the Windmill Full Back. That was the category they were placed in. I only played the once against the Windmill in 1977 and lost my complete bottom set of teeth, and I was a sub who didn’t get on. This is bad news for the supposed hard men in the county. They’ll be whimpering in their sleep over the summer.”
The Tyrone referees’ Society have met already to reassure each other that ‘things will be alright’ according to retired umpire Gary Coyle from Stewartstown:
“One of my last matches refereeing was a game between Urney and Windmill back in 1980. Played down at the shore, Urney faced the intimidating sight of the Windmill side eating raw meat as a warm-up to the backdrop of men wrestling salmon and trout on the Lough. I sounded the final whistle with Urney a point ahead and left the pitch, slowly walking backwards, pointing a gun at the furious Windmill contingent. Unfortunately, I was hit over the head by an elderly supporter wielding an umbrella and woke up in Cookstown, stripped bare, with my hands superglued to my head. We need to be prepared this time.”
Windmill’s new chairman, Vinny ‘Cut throat’ Dawson, says they will not be forgetting their roots:
“They said they’ll give us a go at division three next year. If I was the Brocagh chairman, I’d pull them out. We have long memories here and can vivdly recall the day they overturned the Maxi belonging to our manager back in 1982 down at their place. Long memories.”
Their first friendly is pencilled in for August 21st against a Maghaberry Prison GAA Select.
Tyrone’s ‘Lion Thrills In Sion Mills’ Safari Park Opens To Mixed Reviews
Artist’s impression of Sion Mills dragon
By Shengas McGlumphie
Tyrone’s first safari park opened last weekend to much controversy about the lack of animals on display and mistreatment of some of the creatures. The 150 acre ‘Lion Thrills in Sion Mills’ Safari Park, which opened just a week ago, is based in Sion Mills close to Strabane, just off the Melmount Road. It is described on the website as being:
‘set in the lush savannah of the Tyrone grasslands where animals are free to roam in their natural habitat, bordered by the meandering Mourne River, the metropolis of Sion Mills, and the Strabane sewage works’.
There have however been numerous complaints from visitors.
“It’s a rip-off”, declared father-of-two Ronan Gormley of Coagh. “We drove about for nearly two hours and saw nothing other than some rabbits and a horse. Call that a safari park? It’s just a big field”.
The heavily promoted ‘Tyrone Zebra’ in particular brought severe criticism, which was described in the zoo’s literature as ‘A slightly rotund breed of zebra having distinctive elliptical or circular black and white markings unlike the striped pattern of its African cousin’.
“It was a fecking cow” said an irate Gormley. “Anyone could see that. Tyrone Zebra my arse. The park was bare”.
Owner and manager Malachy Mullan was quick to defend the park:
“What do you expect? By the time the tourists get here the animals are taking shelter from the sweltering heat of the midday Strabane sun. Too hot and bright for them in May, see? If people want to see the animals they should come back when it’s pitch black”.
Mary McCausland of Fintona was not convinced.
“The so-called ‘big cat’ looked an awful lot like a fat labrador with a big orange woolly scarf round its neck. It didn’t look happy. And anyone can buy an ostrich from that farm near Loughmacrory. It looked ill. It’s a disgrace”.
Mullan vigorously defended his record in the treatment of animals.
“I don’t mistreat animals. I’ve been donating to sick animals for years. I love the critters. They’re my life” said the adamant park-keeper, who also owns the Donaghmore slaughterhouse.
Doubt has also been cast over some of the creatures advertised, which include a white rhino, a ‘rare breed of dodo’ and a dragon.
Mullan also later admitted that the ‘sick animals’ he donated to were predominantly horses that he backed without success at Paddy Power in Strabane.
Brackaville Pensioner Still Incurably In Love With Joe Brolly
The dreamboat
Brackaville pensioner, Hillary Kelly, tonight confirmed she can find no cure for her fascination and deepening obsession with the Dungiven GAA analyst, Joe Brolly. The 81-year old, a former Miss Wrangler Jeans 1955 at Corr Hall in Clonoe, admitted she sends RTE five letters a day addressed to the former Derry county player filled with poems and items from her underwear drawer. Kelly, who never married and still holds out that her big day might yet be around the corner, maintains they’re keeping the letters from Brolly as ‘he’d find me hard to resist’ if he read her poems:
“I sort of fell in love with the little imp around 1993 when he pranced around the fields of Ireland like a tiny ballet dancer with boots on. I remember swooning in the crowd when he blew kisses, delusionally believing they were aimed at me. Although I was 61 then, I could still put one of my legs behind my head – a party piece I’d do up at Campbell’s pub on Friday nights.”
Kelly went on to explain her infatuation with the bespectacled barrister:
“I have plastered three bedrooms now with images of my love, from magazines, newspapers and secret photos I’ve taken of him out shopping and stuff. How could anyone not adore the way he crunches his face up when thinking about a question, like a wee inquisitive otter or mink? OK, he may have gone grey a bit and lost the tussled black mop that hung majestically from his scalp as a player, like one of those Victorian dreamboats on any BBC adaption of a Bronte book. He should be called Joseph Lewesbottom or something. Sigh.”
This is not the first time Hillary has fallen for a TV star. In 1988 she was warned by Gardai about stalking Derek Davis and Gay Byrne at the same time. Kelly claims this is different:
“I can’t see me giving up on Brolly. How he makes me laugh. I’d just love to sit on his knee with a cup of tea. In fact, that was the first line of the best poem I sent him last night, along with the briefs I wore all last week.”
Locals claim she’s a harmless craytur but would tackle any fellow if he looked at her sideways. Meanwhile, RTE have refused to comment on the story although an insider tells us the panel are well aware of the lady, with O’Rourke and Spillane a bit peeved off they haven’t received anything.
Seskinore Man First In Tyrone To Complete Rubik’s Cube
O’Hagan hard at it
By Shengas McGlumphie
A man from Seskinore has become the first in the county to complete the Rubik’s Cube, some 28 years after being given the puzzle as a Christmas present. John Joe O’Hagan, 45, an unemployed chicken chaser from Millbridge Road, finally acomplished it on Sunday evening, after having spent an average of two hours a day on the puzzle for almost three decades.
“I’m wile pleased” said a delighted John Joe. “That buckin’ thing has been the bane of my life but once I started it was difficult to put down. Someone bought me a book on how to do it but I thought that would be cheating. And besides, what the feck does ‘L2 D2 R2’ mean? It sounds like a robot out of Star Wars”.
O’Hagan got the Cube for his Christmas in 1984 from his parents when he was 16 years old, along with an Etch-a-Sketch, a space hopper, and pair of moon boots. Friends and family said he became withdrawn and alienated from society as he tackled the difficult poser. With its 6 coloured sides, 21 pieces and 54 outer surfaces, the cube is capable of producing 43 billion different permutations. It is thought that O’Hagan probably tried most of them at least twice on his quest to conquer the puzzle. His father, John Joe Snr, said,
“To be honest, JJ’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. I remember when he first got the Cube it took him three weeks to get it out of the packaging then another six to find out that the sides turned. Being totally colour blind probably hasn’t helped either”.
However, Tyrone’s very own mathematical marvel is not resting on his laurels, and intends to have another go.
“I hope I can get my record down from 10,372 days. It’s the fastest in Tyrone but I think I can do it faster, maybe even the fastest anywhere”, said O’Hagan. The current world record is 7 seconds.
When asked how he managed it so quickly, a modest Jon Joe said,
“I just thought a bit differently about how to go about doing it and when I did that, bang, I immediately cracked it about 4 years later”.
O’Hagan finally managed to solve the puzzle after he found out how to pull it apart and put it back together again.
Mixed Reaction In Tyrone To Eurovision Disaster
We were out and about this morning gauging early reactions to last night’s tragedy in Sweden:
“Who ever heard of Denmark, like? They can stick their tin whistle up their hole.” B McElduff, Carrickmore
“Them leather trousers lost it. The lad could hardly move. His lad could hardly move. He should’ve thrown some shapes.” M Gildernew, Aghaloo
“See next year. I’m going to enter and during the last bar I’ll turn around, drop my trousers and have ‘Up Yours Europe’ tattooed on my buttocks. That’ll learn them.” F McGuigan, Ardboe
“Trappatoni OUT!” P Canavan, Ballygawley
“I’ve more buckin points on my licence.” G Cavlan, Dungannon
“That girl didn’t even have any shoes and still won. Embarrassing. We need to send a tramp out next year.” P Donaghy, Moy
“Them boys with the bodhrans should’ve worn shirts. And not played bodhrans.” P Begley, Pomeroy
“One point from the UK? No more Mr Kipling for me.” M Cush, Donaghmore
“We’d still drink them under the table. But they won’t have a Eurovision for that, will they?” J Devlin, Gortin
“The lorry-top parade has been cancelled because of ….poor visibility. Yes, the weather is cat.” Strabane Council
“His teeth were too white. People didn’t believe he was Irish. And the tan? Come on, like.” M O’Neill, Clonoe
“We need to send out Bono, all greased up like, playing the accordion and maybe the girls from Betwitched leaping about him singing about the Sean Quinn thing.” R McMenamin, Dromore
Tyrone GAA News
DREGISH PENSIONER ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT AS A SUPPORTER
A 71 year old former pillow-fluffer from Dregish has announced he is stepping down as a supporter of the club after 67 years of travelling the county following the Pearse Ogs. Jake O’Farrell has decided to hang up his scarf, following in the recent footsteps of Alex Ferguson and David Beckham. Although Dregish Pearse Ogs were formed in in 1968, O’Farrell says he can remember another team from that area but cannot recall what they were called.
“I just thought the time was right. I take with me many highs like the time we bate Brocagh down at their field, on and off the pitch. The lows are part of it all too and the day we couldn’t field a team for the charity match against the Dublin 1995 side in front of 3000 people down in our field was a bit of an embarrassment. But, I’ll be able to put my feet up by the fire on a Sunday now and not give a buck about the Pearse Ogs. I considered taking a year out and then coming back maybe as a Drumquin supporter but we’ll see. I’d like to thank the club for the displays they put on over the last 67 years in the junior. I’ll not be going up to Castlederg on Sunday. I’m now unattached.”
DERRYTRESK CRISPS AND MINERAL VENTURE ‘A DISASTER’
The £16 table
Derrytresk have pulled the plug on an innovative business venture as it was revealed that they sold only one glass of mineral and no crisps at their home game last week. In an effort to bring extra money into the coffers, Seamie Devlin came up with the idea of setting up a table on the high rampart facing the road with boxes of crisps and a few bottles of mineral to be poured into plastic cups. Chairman Iggy Fitzgerald says enough is enough:
“Total disaster. We spent £16 buying that table and sold one drink. The big problem was that you have to jump a 6-foot ditch to get across to the rampart. Only one man made it. Twelve children had to be pulled out. Mrs Campbell’s dress was ruined though it gave the lads a bit of an eyeful. The second problem was making it back. Our only buyer, Patsy Dooher from Aughabrack, couldn’t get back over the ditch so he had to do a four-mile walked up through Annaghmore and missed the rest of the game and his lift home. All for a glass of brown mineral at £1.”
PHILIP JORDAN, RICEY MCMENAMIN AND HUB HUGHES TO GET SPECIAL MATCH PRIVELEGES
Ricey, last week
With a combined age of over 100, ex county players Jordan, Hughes and McMenamin are to be given special protection by referees to ease fears of broken hips, arthritis and failing senses. The new rules state that if one of these players receives the ball, opponents are to stand off for five seconds to allow the ageing trio to find their bearings and face the right direction. County chairman Aeneas McLoughlin told us:
“We remember wee Peter’s last few games. It was a bit embarrassing when the ball would come to him and he’d just be staring into space, rambling. His teammates would’ve been calling for the ball but sure he could hardly hear a thing. We’re not going to let our elderly ex-county men shuffle off into the wilderness like that. Last week, Ricey got sent off for taking a nap. The ref had no choice and acted quickly in case it developed into stage two. Last week I heard Jordan, who’s injured, spent the entire game watching the Moy’s warm-up pitch even though no one was on it apart from a couple of cats. Hub keeps complaining about the weather and knitting during a lull in play. These new rules will help ease their journey into the light.”
Tattyreagh Duet Make It To X-Factor Live Auditions Singing About Tattyreagh
How the Brannigans of Tattyreagh might look
Newlyweds Paul and Julia Brannigan have put Tattyreagh on the map after making it through to the TV stages of the X-Factor auditions singing a song they made up in the taxi on the way over to the show. Scribbled on the back of a packet of sweetie cigarettes, “Tattyreagh – You Don’t Have A Picture-house But You’re Deadly To Me’ wooed the judges so much that Simon Cowell is considering visiting the townland before the end of the month. Paul said it’s a dream come through:
“To be honest, we were going to sing “Islands In The Stream” by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. Then, with a few shots in us, we thought feck it and wrote a song there and then in the taxi about the homeland. We’ve since lost the piece of cardboard it was on but we managed to include stuff like the scrap metal yard, sheep farming and the bath-doctor. It was hard rhyming something with bath-doctor so we pretended there was a Costcutters and that was near enough. We sang it to the tune of Raglan Road, cupping our ears and all, but they didn’t seem to notice.”
All four judges sent them through with Louis Walsh saying that Tattyreagh is the new New Orleans and that they were his favourite. Gary Barlow criticised the lengthy song title but maintained the heart-breaking line “The Quiggery Waters won’t run through us/But we don’t kick up a fuss” won him over and praised the couple for looking so clean and upright for not having a river. Simon Cowell added:
“This will be up there with Africa by Toto or London’s Burning by The Clash. Tattyreagh seems so exotic. “We normally go to Darcy’s Coal merchants/And after to the HalfWay House for a lock of pints” might not be an exact rhyme but it’ll be on the tip of the tongue of every 15-year old next week. Dannii Minogue was crying and she wasn’t even judging. We WILL build a picture-house for these people”
The Brannigans say they’ll definitely sing Islands In The Stream in the TV auditions unless they “start on the shots again and make up a song about the road to Fintona and the bastard tractors that houl everyone up.”
Cookstown Officially Diagnosed As Stuck In 80s Timewarp
Cookstown man this morning
A bunch of psychologists have today released a 4000-page document confirming what people in Stewartstown and Kildress have believed for years – Cookstown is still stuck in the 1980s in terms of fashion, music and general culture. The startling diagnosis comes in the aftermath of a huge Dallas party in the Glenavon at the weekend when over 3000 revellers came dressed as JR, Bobby and Sue Ellen, i.e. just in their normal clothes. Kirk Kilpatrick from the Drum Road wasn’t surprised:
“No big news really. Sure you only have to dander in to the market on a Saturday and you’ll hear ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet blaring out of the tape decks in their Datsuns down the main street. I go to the Greenvale on a Saturday night and it’s hard to get near the bar at all with the forest of perms and mullets all over the joint. That’s if you didn’t get an eye taken out with the shoulder pads. An awful lot of the lads hanging around the corners have moustaches like Magnum PI trying to chat up women with luminous leg-warmers and fingerless gloves. They make us Kildressians look hip.”
Cookstown mayor Jenny Mulgrew maintains the verdict is nothing to be ashamed of:
“So what? People say the 80s were the best decade what with Rocky 4 and the Rubik’s Cube. Them people in The Rock or Tullyhogue might think they’re ‘with it’ with their mobile phones and cars with 5 gears but put it like this, we still have to find out who shot JR, whether ET gets home or not and if big Art will lead Tyrone to the promised land. Some effin excitement ahead of us.”
Eoin Mulligan is to be approached about bring the town into the 90s by running a few raves at his pub.
Miss Cookstown 2013
Loughmacrory Youngsters Don’t Believe In ‘The Man’ Anymore
What the man might look like, if he existed
It emerged this morning that the last child still believing in ‘The Man’ in Loughmacrory has given up the ghost on the fictional disciplinarian, leaving parents to think of new ways to keep tabs on their children.
Seamus Campbell, a five year old terror from the Ballybrack Road, told his mother this morning to ‘bring it on, big girl’ after she threatened him with ‘The Man’ if he didn’t get his uniform on quickly.
A visibly shaken Mary Campbell confirmed the worst:
“We were aware that our Seamus was the last child in The Lough to still believe in The Man. This is a sad day for the area. The Man was a brilliant psychological tactic to employ over the years. The restaurant here was a peace haven as children sat timidly in case ‘The Man’ would come and shout at them. Bedtime wasn’t a bother as ‘The Man’ would find out and be cross. It was deadly easy raring young uns. I myself lived in fear of The Man anywhere I went, especially at Mass. If I spoke at all, I was told that ‘The Man’ would drag me out by the hair and kick me around the field. Did me no harm.”
It appears that the lack of belief in ‘The Man’ arrived in Loughmacrory around the time that Peter Barry, aged six at the time, was told that ‘The Man’ would give him a clip around the ear if he didn’t stop throwing white bonbons at the Santa during the Christmas Show in the clubrooms. When the rebellious Barry refused to stop and the fictional ‘Man’ never appeared, other youngsters began to cop on to the fact that possibly The Man didn’t exist at all. They all began pelting Santa with Wine Gums.
“Myself and the husband will have to think of something new now. Loughmacrory has gone to the dogs with children running amok at night breaking things and shouting. They’ve no fear now at all. I’ve threatened them with ‘Daddy’ but my four year old just laughed and fired a tuna sandwich at his head. The country’s couped.”
The Loughmacrory Parents’ Association are thinking of hiring some shadowy foreign actor, preferably unshaven with a big scar on his face, to walk around the roads with a scowl on his face, pretending to be The Man. 98% of children in Tattyreagh still believe in ‘The Man’.
Tyrone Students May Have Been Discriminated Against In GCSE and O Level English Since 1955
Tyrone teacher Peter McKay
Evidence has come to light that CCEA, AQA and other examination boards may have marked down Tyrone students as far back as 1955 because of the particular dialect from the various regions within the county. News of this blatant discrimination was leaked after a Tyrone teacher was accepted onto a GCSE marking team for the first time since education began. English teacher Mr Peter McKay from Gortin was sampling an exam answer with other teachers from England when it became clear he was letting certain words and phrases go which would otherwise be deemed a fail by the vast majority of markers.
“I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was marking a piece of Romeo and Juliet coursework and the student, who seemed to be from a Dungannon school, wrote ‘Romeo is a bit of a gope who should’ve shut his bake. Their going out with each other was completely banjaxed from the start as it looks like Juliet’s head was cut. I think Romeo couldn’t be scundered with her, like”. I gave that full marks whilst these women from Manchester gave it 0%. The alarm bells were ringing.”
McKay says things got worse when they moved onto the essay about describing your favourite day:
“This boy from Omagh wrote a deadly piece about bringing in the hay before the rain last year. I gave it 98%. I remember some of it clearly. “My oul lad said it’d be tarra if we didn’t get her lifted. I was acting the clift and yarnin and buckin about with our boy. ‘Wheest’ says he. ‘Stop acting the ganches yous two’. Our boy then started lashing rings around him after that feed of scallions and with the snatters tripping me I had to give her 90. It was some handlin. Our boy is some bollocks.” Now, you tell me what’s wrong with that. The Manchester ones gave it 2%. Pure discrimination. We nearly cut the lining out of each other.”
The examination boards are to backdate results since ’55 and any Tyrone native who sat English as an O Level of GSCE will receive a new result, two grades higher.
Heathrow’s Third Runway Might Be Built At Moygashal’s Linen Green
Dry run at Moygashal
By Shengas McGlumphie
Plans are underway to build London Heathrow Airport’s controversial third runway on the site of the beleaguered Linen Green in Moygashel. Proposals for the controversial third runway at Heathrow have reached deadlock in recent years with the current government accused of kicking the issue into the long grass, whilst closer to home the upmarket Linen Green retail outlet in Moygashel, Tyrone, has been put up for sale in recent weeks after its owner was declared bankrupt.
‘Every way you look at it, this makes perfect sense,” said local entrepreneur, property owner and part-time fantasist Declan Corrigan, who is leading the initiative. “Them London planning boys need to look outside the box a bit. They want a third runway at Heathrow but there’s not enough space and the campaigners don’t like it. They should look a wee bit further afield. Like Moygashel”.
Corrigan explained the plans for the audacious proposal.
“We’ll turn some of the empty Linen Green shops into a huge petrol station for the jumbo jets to roll up to, nice and easy. And it won’t need a terminal building because there’s a big Spar Shop round the corner. It even sells hummus which would cater for the foreign types”.
Corrigan went on to outline his plans for the runway itself.
“Everyone’s into the environment these days, so we make use of what we’ve already got. Them airyplanes will taxi out down the Mullybrannon Road to the A4 and they can take off and land on the dual carriageway. To keep it safe, we’ll have a man with a flag to stop cars during take-off and landing. Once we’ve knocked out a few of the bridges that’s the job done. And if they need a long runway for Concorde and the like we’ll give them one. 40 miles of it all the way down to Belfast”.
Suggestions that the 300 miles between Moygashel and London might be further than passengers would like, Corrigan retorted,
“Jaysus, Ryanair play that game all the time and it doesn’t stop them. And anyway, if for some mad reason they’re desperate to get to London, we’ll bus them down to Belfast City Airport and they can catch a plane from there”.
Opponents of the plans have already raised concerns regarding potential noise and air pollution in the local area. Corrigan said,
“People have to stop being selfish with all this ‘not-in-my-back-yard’ stuff. They should think about the money this could bring into the Tyrone economy, that’s what they should be doing. Besides, I live in Coalisland, so as long as the runway’s nowhere near there it won’t affect me”.
Brocagh Woman Panics After Not Receiving a Text For Whole Day
Teresa at midday
By Shengas McGlumphie
A Brocagh woman today told of her near-panic of going almost an entire day without getting a text from anyone. 24 year old Teresa Monteith, an accounts clerk from Ballybeg Road, admitted:
“I normally get one from my boyfriend by the time I’ve got to work about that evening’s dinner but nothing arrived, although we usually have bacon and cabbage on a Wednesday so I didn’t think much of it. But then I usually get a couple from my mum as well which are mostly about my da and his toilet troubles, but the phone just sat there in front of my desk, doing nothing. And Shona at work sometimes sends me a couple of texts even though she sits across from me but that’s so we can talk about Patricia and her stupid trousers without her knowing”.
After having decided at 11.30am just to ignore the phone for the rest of the day because she was so busy, Monteith finally succumbed after lunch and checked her ‘Manage Connections’ settings before eventually sending a text to herself entitled ‘Test’ to satisfy herself that the service was working. She subsequently consoled herself by going onto Facebook for 45 minutes and ‘liking’ several posts, including one from her sister-in-law wearing a sombrero and holding a vuvuzela, and another from her friend Clare which said how much she liked Nathan Turner’s new haircut.
Teresa then spent another hour typing in the names of people she went to school with to see if she could find anything of interest about them on the internet, and a further 15 minutes googling her own name.
After promising herself at 3.45pm that she wouldn’t be the first to send someone else a text, she received one at 4.10pm from her partner Eric, after she sent him a text that said ‘y havent u textd me?’, followed by a sad smiley face icon.
Ballygawley Man Disappoints In MasterChef
Kelly’s work
The much-awaited performance on Masterchef of Ballygawley balloon blower-upper Malachy Kelly was ‘a bit dung’ according to his mother and fiercest critic, Angela. The long-running BBC food gameshow had yet to entertain any competitors from Tyrone before Kelly’s appearance last week and it is unlikely there’ll be any more. The theme for the Ballygawley man’s episode was ‘Egg Surprise’ where contestants had to come up with an egg-based dish to woo the judges Gregg Wallace and John Torode. Angela Kelly pulled no punches in assessing her son’s performance:
When I saw what the other three competitors were cooking, I knew our Malachy was in trouble. The first girl did some kind of exotic Carribean omelette with mad ingredients like green peppers and leeks. Thon boy from London made ‘egg foo young’ with scallions and it looked deadly. Finally the Australian woman cooked these massive scotch eggs that’d feed the whole of Aughnacloy. Malachy looked a bit pale at this stage.”
Calling his dish ‘Egg Bateupinacup’, Kelly boiled two eggs for ten minutes, rinsed them under the tap for half a minute, peeled off the shell, threw them into a cup and slapped in a lump of butter before whisking it with a teaspoon. On handing it to the two judges with two small bits of unbuttered bread, the sweat was pouring down his face.
“Embarrassed. Egg beat up in a cup. Holy Jaysus. The fancy name threw them at the start and I could hear the judges discussing whether it was some kind of Irish language dish. The only good part was the dramatic music when he cooled the eggs under the tap. You could see the pain in his face as he struggled to juggle the hot eggs for about fifteen seconds. To be honest I got a bit emotional at that part.”
Gregg Wallace called the dished ‘underwhelming’ and ‘a joke’. Torode thought he put in too much butter. The show will air on Christmas Day 2013. Malachy returned to Ballygawley last night and was paraded around the town on the back of a trailer to 12 ecstatic well-wishers with only the odd bit of abuse shouted.
Newtownstewart U12 Manager Furious At Man Utd Snub
Newtownstewart hair-dryer treatment
Following the retirement of Alex Ferguson, coupled with Man Utd’s search for a new manager, Kirk McConnell was devastated to find out his application form was completely overlooked as it now appears that another high profile manager in England will get the job. McConnell, who specialises in fixing carpets with loose thread, has led his Newtownstewart U12 side to three massive victories this year in his first year of management, defeating Owen Roes by 61 points, Strabane by 33 points and Glenelly by a walkover as the opposition didn’t field. After Ferguson’s announcement, the lads in the Abercorn Arms convinced McConnell that he should throw in an application form and helped him write it there and then at around midnight. Kirk is at a loss to explain his rejection:
“If I’m being honest I’m a bit pissed off like. They didn’t even send a letter to say I was unsuccessful. I’d written it out with the lads and used red pen and ruler for the headlines and a black pen for the information. For example, I covered areas such as Favourite TV shows, Favourite Foods, Funniest Memory, Best Game I Watched, My Favourite Player and Any Other Business. It covered the front and back of an A4 paper. What’s their problem like? I’d say none of them have ever tried taking a team up to Strabane on a Saturday morning to play a side with three women in full forward, far bigger than the rest of us. And I don’t even know the rules.”
In an effort to appease McConnell, Man Utd issued a statement today thanking McConnell for his application form but felt that he fell down on two accounts. In a letter signed by the American owner Mr Glazer, the club spelt out their concerns:
“Firstly, we heard about the 61 point win over Owen Roes. You didn’t tell us that nine of the Roes side were actually under the age of seven. Also, our intelligence reports informed us that the referee gave you a couple of dodgy decisions and no wonder as we believe he’s your chairman. Secondly, the application form was covered in beer stains and some of the spellings were atrocious. For example, it’s Sir Alex Ferguson, not Salax Ferkson. We wish you well in the future and hope Newtownstewart U12s lift the title.”
Leo Parry, manager of the Newtownstewart Spar, was also unsuccessful. Meanwhile, McConnell has sent a copy to Everton.
Moy Internet Cafe Closes Down. Owner Tired Of Explaining Stuff.
Moy man on Google
One of The Moy’s most adventurous business ventures closed today after the owner, Colm Mackle, admitted he was ‘sick and tired’ of explaining what surfing the net meant to confused locals. Tyrone’s first Internet Cafe was launched last month with a fanfare of sandwiches and cold drinks whilst an Apple Store employee from Benburb cut the rope around the shop. Early euphoria soon turned to resentment after Mackle became scundered with requests from patrons like ‘how does this mice yoke work’ and ‘how do you get on to the next line’.
“Ah I enjoyed the first day, seeing the faces of Moy people who thought computers could only be found in America or London. But then it began. One of the first complaints was from a young girl from the Armagh Road who said she was afraid of mice and if I could get her another animal. Men and women were talking to the screen thinking there was someone inside it. And they all seem to forget what I told them as the next day was exactly the same.”
Mackle called it a day soon after he called his first tutorial class on “How to surf the web”.
“I thought I’d educate the locals on surfing and advertised a Beginners Guide to Surfing. 30 turned up. 28 of them were wearing wetsuits, breathing apparatus and carrying a stack of towels. The other two brought dusters ‘for the webs’. What a waste of money this venture was. A centre for left-footed Aborigine Ballet would’ve had as much success as I had with this idea. The Moy ain’t ready for the Internet.”
Local actor, Tony Gribbon, reckons they’re better off without it:
“Ah sure any time I was in it I couldn’t get near it for the amount of surfers looking at videos on YouTube of people falling over or tractor diffing. I mean, it was the only site used. Then there were oul lads typing in ‘bare women’ and getting Mackle into bother.”
Galbally Diner Expects That He’s In With A Chance With Dungannon Waitress
Keown during the starter
By Shengas McGlumphie
A local man remains hopeful that he has an opportunity to date a fairly attractive restaurant waitress who served him during a meal, with whom he shared his self-confessed ‘deadly banter’. Plunkett Keown, an unemployed fitter from Galbally, was dining at the popular Viceroy Restaurant in Dungannon on Wednesday night with his sister and brother-in-law, to celebrate Keown’s 27th birthday.
“There was this nice wee piece working the tables, all dolled up in the waitress uniform. To be honest she looked like she’d lie down in nettles for it, so I fancied my chances straight away. I decided to give her some of the famous Keown patter. I like my steak rare so when she asks how I want it I says, “Just wipe its arse and throw it on the plate!”
Mighty! She just stood there and said, “Chips and veg?” So I go straight in again with another beauty, and says “Just chips – I’m on a diet!” bang, just like that. She just wrote it down but I can tell she’s dying to burst out laughing. Later when she came round to take the drinks order I says “I’ll have another Guinness. All this drinkin’s thirsty work!” Even the next table were looking round to see who had come out with that belter. Jaysus, sometimes even I don’t know where they come from. ‘I’m on a diet’! Lethal craic hi!”
Keown tried at various times to catch the waitress’s eye without success.
“She had a face like a pishmire but I could tell it was all an act. She came over to ask if everything with the meal was okay but my mouth was so full of food all I could do was shout “Mighty”, and spray my sister in the face with cheesy garlic bread”.
Plunkett again missed his chance to impress the young woman when she returned to clear the table, to find him licking his plate.
“Wemin like men with a big appetite though. She was probably impressed. And that whiskey sauce was deadly. It’s a shame I spilt so much of it over my dungarees”.
Keown saw another opportunity to make an impression when ordering the dessert.
“This one never fails. I says “I’ll have the strawberry cheesecake – the strawberries are one of my five portions a day!”Jaysus, I was laughing so hard I nearly vomited. I could hardly breathe. By this time everyone’s looking round, obviously loving it. She didn’t laugh but I think she’s probably one of them cool types that’s cracking up on the inside. That’s what it seemed like to me anyway”.
Reflecting on the evening Keown said, “I’m surprised she never asked for my number. I think she’s playing it slow. It doesn’t matter. And anyway, I don’t have a phone”. Keown is currently single and has not had a girlfriend since 2001.
Mounting Concern Over Travel Agent’s Website Claims About Tyrone
Ballygawley Play Park?
By Shengas McGlumphie
News emerged last night that the Dungannon & South Tyrone District Council are investigating over 14’000 complaints from the US relating to false or exaggerated claims about Tyrone made by independent travel agent Sperrin Travels, based in Cookstown.
Sean Keegan, owner and manager of the business which caters for the lucrative American market, is accused of creating falsehoods or embellishments based on scant knowledge of the area, which were published on the website as fact. The site boasted a whole series of attractions, including:
Ballygawley Play Park! If you like Disneyland, Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, then you’ll love Ballygawley Play Park. Experience the thrills and spills of numerous rides including the Magic Slide, Runaway Roundabout, and the Neverland Swings that even Peter Pan would love! Fairytale dreams really do come true in Ballygawley Play Park!
“Damn it to hell” said a furious Biff Masterson from America. “We’d gotten our travel booked and came all the way from the good old US of A and darn it, now our whole darned itinerary is in a pickle. Gee, this guy really needs a kick in the fanny. Our first day at Ballygawley Play Park was a god damn tragedy. A swing, a slide and a drunk man singing ‘Three Blind Mice”.
Keegan has been accused of exaggerating the truth beyond all recognition and failing to check even the most basic of facts about Tyrone and its environs:
“Sure, it’s easy done” said a shame-faced Keegan, who only recently loved to Tyrone from Dublin 6 months ago. “Who’d have thought there would be a place called Greencastle without there being a feckin’ green castle in it? No mills in Newmills – that’s just a stupid name then.”
The website also said it could organise a tour of all the likely sites of ‘the world-famous ‘Pomeroy Diamond’, a rare gemstone worth millions buried somewhere in the County that has proved as elusive and as enigmatic as the one thon old woman dropped into the sea at the end of Titanic’.
Chet Hogan, also from America, said
“Wow, seriously. This dude needs to wake up and smell the coffee already. We’ve water-boarded folks in Guantamino for less”.
The website has since been taken off-line as Keegan hastily re-writes the website, including its descriptions of Coalisland, Windmill and Washingbay.
Police Outlaw East Tyrone ‘How’s She Cuttin’ In-Car Hand Gesture
The cuttin sign
The PSNI today announced that, from June 1st 2021, anyone seen spreading their fingers out wide up against their windscreen in a ‘how’s she cuttin’ manner as they meet another motorist will have 6 points added to their licence as well as face a £300 on the spot fine.
Since cars were first used in the lowlands in 1972, motorists from Moortown down to Derrytresk have greeted each other with the ninety degree hand gesture. It is only in recent years that passengers have joined in on the greeting, making driving somewhat treacherous according to Chief Constable Kitty O’Hare:
“It’s just too dangerous. I was attending a disagreement over access to a field in Drumurrer last week and kept an eye on the amount of cars offering their greetings to the arguing farmers. One car passed by and as well as the driver and passenger giving the ‘cuttin’ sign, three children in the back leapt forward into the front to add their ‘hello’. So, there were five hands spread out over the windscreen. How can anyone drive like that? We’ll be running courses in the near future for all motorists east of Cookstown to take which will promote simply raising your finger on the steering wheel and nodding.”
Locals have reacted strongly to the news. Brocagh cat neuterer Harry Turner says he’ll not be changing.
“My father and my father’s father gave the ‘cuttin’ sign on the windscreen. I myself have used two hands if I really liked the person. The police would serve their time better out chasing the perverts down at the Washingbay watching the women bathing in the Lough.”
Constable O’Hare also suggested coming up with a new greeting and will be calling in to homes starting at Tamnamore next week.
“Think about it – ‘How’s she cuttin’ and the reply ‘rightly’ makes no sense at all. Apparently the ‘cuttin’ thing is farmer talk dating back 100 years ago when farmers would discuss how good their wives were at cutting up the potatoes. We’re suggesting it’s replaced with ‘Greetings and Salutations’, with the reply ‘Why, thank you sir’.”
Harry Turner, when asked if he’ll buy into the new language, simply said ‘away te feck’.
Coalisland In County Tyrone Accidentally Twinned With Cologne In Germany
The Island
By Shengas McGlumphie
A mix-up at the EC in Brussels resulted in Coalisland, population less than 5,000, being accidentally twinned with Cologne, Germany’s 4th largest city with a population of over 1 million.
“I suppose it was a wee touch embarrassing” admitted Des Crawford, local businessman and Chairman of the Coalisland Enterprise Trust, which sent a delegation of six to meet with the Cologne mayor and his team to celebrate the twinning. “We meant to Google Cologne beforehand when the penny might have dropped but to be fair what with all the excitement of going on a plane we forgot”.
One of the Irish contingent, Seamy Hughes, a butcher from the Island, came close to sparking a major diplomatic incident within hours of landing in the city.
“To be honest we only invited him because he said he had a good bit of the German language as he did it at school”, admitted Crawford, “So when Heinz started rabitting away in German we pushed Seamy to the front to do a bit of the German chat. Jaysus, did he not just stand there in front of yer man and yell “Vot is it you vont”, at the top of his voice in this mad German accent, followed by, ‘Vood you like to see ze papers?’ We didn’t know where to look. I thought at one stage he was going to start goose-stepping”.
Affairs took a further turn for the worse on the 4-day programme during the official exchange of gifts, with Cologne giving Coalisland a set of commemorative coins, an original piece of German artwork nearly 200 years old, and some bespoke jewellery believed to be valued at €30,000 (£25,000). In return, the Coalisland team had brought Cologne a Tyrone GAA car air freshener and some Kimberley Mikado biscuits. With the help of an interpreter, relations improved on the second evening over several glasses of Reisling.
“It was a bit of craic, and they were bangin’ on about all these famous boys that came from Cologne, including some composer, Beethoven”, said Crawford. “So they’re saying about how proud they are of their Beethoven boy and we just sat there and said two words – ‘Dennis’ and ‘Taylor’. Aw, you should have seen their faces. Total silence! They never knew Dennis came from the Island see. They had no idea. We trumped them there boys! Deadly!”
Exchanging information on the relative merits of Coalisland and Cologne presented no issues for the Island team, according to Crawford.
“Jaysus they were going on about their ‘40 museums’ this and their ‘Cologne Cathedral’ that. It all pales into insignificance when you see thon new Newell’s Stores in the Island. It’s a belter. Did you know they even sell parmesan cheese? Unbelievable. It knocks themuns and all their fancy Cologne boutiques into a cocked hat, I’ll tell ye that”.
Cologne
Ardboe Man Denies Attending Irish Cup Final. Man ‘Bit Like Him’ Caught By TV Cameras
Alleged video capture of McGraw at Windsor
An old Ardboe republican, John Joe McGraw (82), has denied attending the Irish Cup final between Cliftonville and Glentoran and was instead, according to him, trying to court on old widow from Windmill he has been chasing since 1957. Rumours began to spread early yesterday evening that McGraw had been spotted on BBC sitting amongst the Glentoran supporters ‘laughing his head off’ as they sang songs about the Queen and East Belfast. McGraw was quick to deny the accusations:
“What the hell would I be doing at Windsor Park and me from Ardboe? If there was a soccer match in my garden I’d take the air rifle out and burst the ball. I know exactly where I was yesterday. Mrs Coney was hanging her briefs on the line as it was a quare day for the drying. I spotted her and made a beeline for her house, fixing my hair with a bit of spit. She was on my knee by the time of the Angelus. I knew her deceased husband – as miserable a hoor you’d ever have met. Anyway, have you seen the supposed man I was meant to be on Tv? Sure he’s from Turkey or something.”
A 1950s border campaign comrade remains skeptical. Peter Pollock, an 88 year old retired widower, is sure he saw McGraw during a break in play in the second half:
“To put it finely, he’s talking bollocks. I saw him laughing his head clean off during a rendition of God Save The Queen. Then in the second half he was clapping away as the Glentoran supporters sang something about the Pride of East Belfast. He’s some boy. See that story about Mrs Coney – a lie. He’s been chasing her since ’57, even after oul Mick Coney married her. She’s not interested. I know. I tackled her at Christmas up in the Windmill. What took him to Windsor I’ll never know. Peace process gone mad.”
Glentoran Supporters’ Club have refused to confirm McGraw was part of their Green Army that day but do admit the presence of a man in their end of the ground who ate eels in a bap at half time.
