Author Archives: Gombeen
Tyrone To Enter Guinness Book Of Records On Two Fronts Today
Tattyreagh Tart
County Tyrone is set to see its name added to the famous fact collection book today, not once but twice, if all goes to plan within the next few hours. The first prospective entrant concerns the horse ‘Tattyreagh Tart’ which entered the Grand National on April 6th. As a 200-1 outsider, Tattyreagh Tart wasn’t expected to feature in the shake-up and lived up to expectations after it stopped before the first fence to size it up before jumping after 45 mins of deliberation. Unfortunately that turned out to be the quickest attempt at a fence to date. 19 days later and Tattyreagh Tart is still running, or thinking rather. With one fence left to jump, Susie McGee’s horse is expected to finish the race some time today. The McGee family are at Aintree, alone, in the stands:
“It’ll be an emotional day. 19 days is a long time to finish a race but she’s a stubborn wee mare. Full credit does to jockey Michael Kelly from Drumragh who has remained on the girl all that time, eating and sleeping at opportune times. To get into the Book of Records is a bonus. She’s just a bit too much of a thinker. The run-in should be straight forward though Tattyreagh Tart has a habit of running sidewards so it might be a couple of hours yet.”
The second record-breaking event concerns a stand off at the mini-roundabout in Coalisland on the road out to Dungannon. At approximately 7pm yesterday evening, three cars arrived at the junction simultaneously, one coming from Edendork, one from Coalisland and one from the third road coming from the M1. By coincidence, all three drivers recently passed their full driving test, meaning they’re adhering strictly to the rules which state “give priority to traffic approaching from your right”. As all three wait for the traffic to their right to move, a stand-off has occurred which has now run into its 15th hour. Access in and out of Coalisland has been difficult with 122 incidences of road rage reported. The World Record is 17 hours of a standstill at a roundabout. Rumours suggest that Helena Thornton, driving a mini and coming from the Dungannon Road, may take a chance and make a mad dash for it.
Castlederg Man Comes Back From Weekend In New York With Thick American Accent
Castlederg, outside Deeney’s house
By Sheangas McGlumphie
A Castlederg man who spent a weekend on holiday in New York returned to his home in Kilclean Road with a virtually incomprehensible American accent, much to the annoyance of his friends and family. 24 year old Brendan Deeney went out to join his brother Declan who lives in Bayridge, Brooklyn, to help his brother celebrate his stag weekend in Manhattan, New York City, over three days. He returned on Monday with what appeared to be a strong American accent.
“Aw men, what accent?” asked a puzzled Deeney. “Seriously, what is it with these guys? I got home Saturday from an awesome time with my bro in NY. I mean, it was a cool party an’ all, but then as soon as I got back my mom was on my case from the get-go. I mean, enough already”.
“He’s a feckin’ idiot” said his mother, Aileen Deeney, clearly irritated by the whole episode.
“He’s never been further than the other side of Enniskillen, and now he’s waltzing around the place like he’s Tom Cruise or Van Morrison or Bill Gates or something. He came down from his room on Tuesday saying he wanted a bag of ‘potato chips’. Potato chips! I’ll give him feckin’ potato chips all right, right in his feckin’ American piehole”.
Deeney confirmed his mother had appeared unhappy with his behaviour.
“Yeah, mom was freakin’ out and I was like, ‘hey mom, that’s totally not cool’, but she was like ‘talk to the hand’. I mean seriously”.
Deeney fared no better when spending the following Saturday evening with his friends in McHale’s pub in Castlederg.
“I went out to the bar to hang out and shoot the breeze with my homies and it was even worse, can you believe that shit? I went to the john and when I came back they were all laughing an’ all an’ takin’ the crap out of me. These guys really got on my tooshie. What’s changed? Nuthin’s changed. I’m still the same Joe Blow I always was”.
Deeney said that he intends to go with his friends to the “soccer next Saturday but might take a rain check”. His friends have confirmed that if he still has the accent by this weekend they will “kick his ass all the way to Fintona. Period”.
Kildress Man Has Operation On Appendix. Given Sex-Change By Accident, Or So He Says.
McGurk, Portrush Harbour
A Kildress labourer got the shock of his life yesterday after he emerged from three hours of intensive surgery to remove his appendix, or so he says. Anton McGurk booked himself in for his appendix operation after complaining of a burning sensation near his belly button for the guts of three months. An hour after the operation he got up to go to the toilet but found himself walking into the women’s cubicle instinctively.
“Flip, I wasn’t expecting that. The appendix were giving me awful jip. I told my family and friends all about it beforehand and to give me a bit of space when I came out because my sides would be sore. Little did I know I’d be emerging with a pair of breasts, no yoke, longer eyelashes and a new name, Dympna. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but I suppose you just have to get on with it like. The doctor apologised to me in private and I’m happy with that.”
Anton Dympna McGurk’s brother Leon remains sceptical:
“Appendix my arse. Our Anton always loved dressing up as a youngster in high heels and stuffed bras. Sure last week I caught him trying to parallel park and it took him 12 minutes. He multi-tasks like hell too. On Christmas day he made the dinner, fed and washed the young’uns, hoovered, greeted the guests and did the fire all within half an hour. No man can do that sure. Also, he always called his toy cars girly names and I’m nearly sure his last monster truck was named Dympna too. The appendix is a smokescreen. Kildress is not ready for this yet.”
Anton/Dympna’s parents have refused to comment but it was reported that his father keeps shaking his head and saying things like ‘holy jaysus boys’ in a whispery voice. Dympna refutes allegations that the appendix was a cover for a planned sex-change:
“Not at all. People will speculate but I know I never expected to be wearing a lovely bright blue tie front floral beach dress right now. I’m not sure what handbag goes with it but I rather like the Designer Dark Turquoise Leather Applique Button Purse. It’s gorgeous.”
More Dogs Than People In Coalisland For First Time. May Stand For Election.
Dog in Landis earlier
For the first time in the history of the town, or from records started in 1944, Coalisland has more dogs than people, sparking fears of a canine takeover at any moment. The current population in the town is 4701, with the dog count approaching 5000 excluding dogs that spend more of their time touring up around Brackaville which itself has a serious dog problem on the horizon. Locals in “The ‘Island” have long been complaining at the sheer volume of stray collies and labradors running amok through the pubs and barbers as well as sitting up in seats in the cafes and take-away sit-ins eating sausages or chips. Local councillor Marnie Lyons is not at all shocked at today’s figures:
“Not surprised in the slightest. It seems that as soon as you hit 65 you get a dog. Those bitches have pups and the oul people just let the offspring run around the roads fending for themselves. Two years ago I was unable to drive down the Lineside as a gang of golden retrievers had blocked the road passing bones and ridin each other. It was a fearsome sight. I reversed before they surrounded the car. I fear for the future. The book Animal Farm we read at St Joes warned that this might happen. The police are doing nothing about it too. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them dogs were working for the PSNI, spying and stuff.”
Brackaville residents are monitoring the situation closely as well as finding ways to cope with their own dog-related problems. Golfer Malachy Herron told us:
“Our hearts go out to the human race in The Island who are now in the minority. We in Brackaville still hold the upper hand by chasing them out to Newmills or Donaghmore but we have our own worries. Whereas the Coalisland dogs appear to be mostly toilet trained, our mutts are soiling all over the place. I was at Mass on Sunday and noticed how everyone was wearing wellingtons in order to wade through the droppings. Some wemen had nose pegs. We’re swimming in the stuff here. It’s man v dog from now on I say.”
The traditional Sinn Fein constituency are preparing themselves for a battle to retain control of the town after it emerged that 1003 people voted for a mysterious Rufus Hound in the last election.
Derrylaughan Caught Training Lough Neagh Midges In Cramped Conditions
The Midge Army
Rumours of skulduggery in Derrylaughan were finally confirmed tonight as a police raid uncovered a midge-training camp on the shores of Lough Neagh. Neighbouring townlands had long suspected something untoward was going on down at the Washingbay, especially when it came to taking on the Kevin Barry’s football team in their patch. The PSNI pounced upon a disused barn at the corner and on kicking the door down found an estimated 900’000 midges being put through their paces by older members of the GAA club. Constable Molloy explained:
“We’d been receiving these complaints for years that the midges down there were attacking opposition players and supporters during games yet strangely none of the home crowd. We always put it down to the locals there having a distinctive odour which naturally repelled the creatures. Well, it turns out that things are much more sinister than that. We uncovered an evil training regime where the midges, living in what can be described as inhumane conditions, were being cajoled into attacking members of the opposition. This was achieved by watching videos of opposing players and making the midges fly straight into the TV screen by rubbing the screen with fish oil. Come match day and the tired and emotional midges were automatically biting away at the opposition in their colours.”
Further investigations were underway regarding the deployment of the bigger flies experienced down there, locally called the ‘pollan fly’, named after the fish distinctive to the Lough. Early signs indicate that special fertiliser was being used to make them bigger, offering the locals a quick, free and relatively tasty snack during these times of high unemployment and near-poverty.
“Yes, it appears that they’ve been getting the pollan flies to eat steroids. That’s why they’re so big this year and scaring non-locals from the area. The Derrylaughan folk have taken to eating the flies as a filler between meals. We’ve no qualms about their entrepreneurialship but we’ll have to start taxing them. You can’t just get food for free. It’ll kill businesses like Falls’ Shop or Springisland. I’ve seen lads freewheeling down hills with their mouths open, getting a bellyful of pollan flies instead of a wholesome meal at home. It cannot be good for you in the long term.”
Five Midges’ Rights activists will protest tomorrow night at the Washingbay against the cruel captivity of nearly a million midges. Reports this morning also suggest that a renegade group of midges have broken away and are causing havoc elsewhere.
Residents Of Augher And Clogher Set To End Centuries Of Strife At Last
Typical brawl between Augher/Clogher residents
By Staff Reporter Sheangas McGlumphie
The residents of Augher and Clogher are to meet tonight to celebrate putting the past behind them and ending centuries of rivalry, taunting and name-calling.
“We’re finally putting to bed all those old-fashioned notions that we don’t get on”, said Michael Lagan from Derrycloony Road in Augher.” It’s just fiction, out of date and untrue, spread about by eejits with nothing else to do. Personally I can’t wait to meet up tonight with the Clogher folks. Even the odd looking ones. It’s going to be great. And even better if they can stop banging on about their Cathedral. Jaysus”.
The ‘Putting the Past Behind Us’ community gathering this evening will take place in the relatively neutral venue of the Eskra Community Centre. The original title was to be ‘The Augher & Clogher Get-Togogher’ but the two groups were unable to agree on whether it was ‘Augher & Clogher’ or ‘Clogher & Augher’.
“Sure, it doesn’t matter does it?” said Joanne McElhatton of Fintona Road in Clogher. “What matters is having mutual respect for one another. And Augher people are no longer a shower of savages. Not that they ever were of course. Well, some people might say that but not me. Definitely not. That would be an insult”.
Augher inhabitants expecting to attend the event this evening were equally magnanimous.
“Name-calling is a thing of the past”, said Michelle McVeigh of Irish Street in Augher. “Both villages are coming together in a show of strength and solidarity, and I salute the tolerance of Clogher village. It can’t be easy when you’ve lived in a cave for most of your life”. She continued, “It’s simply not true that we don’t get on. This display of unity will show the world that we’re just one big family. They’re a unique bunch Clogher, and to be fair they’ve never allowed delusions of their own adequacy to hold them back. They can hardly be held responsible for looking like victims of an industrial accident can they? It’ll be great craic hi”.
McElhatton agreed. “I’m really looking forward to it. It’s a great show of commitment that the Augher crowd are willing to get out of the village and travel to Eskra. That’s a long way to walk wearing clogs”.
Proceedings starts at 7.30pm. Police are expected to be in attendance.
Benburb Man Develops ‘Craic Index’ iPhone App
Reported Benburb inventor
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Local man Francis Hagan from Benburb held a press conference yesterday to launch a new iPhone application that will put an end to tales of wildly exaggerated nights out.
“People were doing my head in saying that the craic was 90 when I knew damn well it was nothing of the sort. That’s when I had my Eureka moment. Why not develop an app that proves what the craic was really like? See, there’s only ever been one level and that’s 90. That’s where my app comes in – if it says that the craic in the pub last night was 30, let’s not beat around the bush. It means it was shite. Nice and simple”.
Once activated the app detects the level of laughter, hysteria, sobbing, fighting and so on in the immediate vicinity, which it then converts into an index, based approximately on the following:
|
Quality of Craic |
App ‘Craic Index’ |
|
Tara |
“The craic’s 10” |
|
Cat |
“The craic’s 20” |
|
Hames |
“The craic’s 30” |
|
Handy |
“The craic’s 40” |
|
Quare |
“The craic’s 50” |
|
Grand |
“The craic’s 60” |
|
Mighty |
“The craic’s 70” |
|
Class |
“The craic’s 80” |
|
Deadly |
“The craic’s 90” |
Hagan expects to refine the index further still.
“If some boyo were to say to you that the craic was 70.32 last night, you’ll know exactly what it was like, dead vivid and everything. Almost like you were there”. He admits the app needs more testing. “I tried to produce a result where the craic was 100. Jaysus. The house nearly disappeared into a parallel universe. It’s an impossibility due to a scientific paradox or something. These are unchartered waters I’m sailing in. You can’t mess with the natural order of things. Craic can’t be higher than 90. It just can’t. I won’t try that again. I might get sucked into a buckin black hole”.
Hagan says that other apps are in development, including a ‘Foundered Index’ for how cold someone is, and a ‘Bottle Index’ for how slippery roads are.
The current app will cost £1.99. Journalists who were given it to test reported that the craic at the press conference was 20.
Bold Plan To Bring Formula 1 Racing To Dungannon In 2015
Artist’s impression of F1 in White City
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Dungannon unveiled its plans yesterday to bring Formula 1 motor racing to Dungannon in two years time, which if successful could bring £150m in ticket sales and associated merchandising into the area. The bid, led by local councillor and full-time delusionist Declan Brady, includes two options for the FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, to consider, the first of which is a Monaco-style course around the local streets of Dungannon.
“That was my idea” said Brady. “Why not do it like they do in Monaco and showcase the very best of Dungannon? It’ll start outside Argos in Ballygawley Road, up round to the hospital, past the roundabout with the big butterflies, and down Scotch Street. Having said that Monaco must be a quiet wee town. There’s never any other cars around during the racing. Scotch Street is always heaving at the weekend so them racer boys would have to take it handy during Saturday qualifying”.
The second option is for the course to be run around the Tesco car park.
“They can use the Ulsterbus depot across the road for the pit stops. I’m sure the bus drivers would lend a few car jacks and spanners to help out. We’ve already proved we have the infrastructure in County Tyrone to do this. Did you see the ‘Thrills in the Hills’ go-karting in Pomeroy last year? Class. Wait till Bernie Eccleston reads that in the bid. Formula 1 is really just the same, only noisier”, claimed Brady.
The committee has laid out a detailed proposal which includes:
- Recruiting starting grid ‘dolly birds’ from the Granville community centre Zumba class that’s held on a Tuesday night
- Widening the Blackwater to allow drivers to sail their super yachts up into Dungannon Park lake
- Asking Newell Stores to give 10% off sandwiches for all racing teams
- Converting the roof of Sainsbury’s into a helipad
- Free car wash for all race cars
- Flattening out all the hills in Dungannon
The 5 page bid was sent last night by fax to Kwik Fit, with the request it be forwarded to Bernie Eccleston.
Loughmacrory To Clamp Down On Locals With Their Tongues Hanging Out
Look – there it is!
The Loughmacrory and District Tourism Committee have issued a warning to all residents that people caught with their tongues hanging out whilst concentrating on something will be named and shamed in the parish bulletin every weekend until they stop it. Stating its negative impact on the image of the area, committee chairperson Sally O’Brien highlighted the extent of the epidemic in all aspects of life:
“I’d been noticing a lot of it lately. Even the priest had his tongue hanging out yesterday whilst washing the chalice. Myself and vice chairman Bernard visited the local primary school last week and were shocked to see how bad it had become. The P2 class were doing some sums and every one of them had their tongues hanging out whilst scribbling away. And the sums weren’t all that difficult. What’ll they look like when they move on to long division. To be fair, their teacher wasn’t much of a role model. Her tongue was also hanging out marking them.”
The tongue affair is not restricted to the young. O’Brien described the scene at last week’s Loughmacrory game against Dregish:
“We scored 1-11 last week in the win but I counted that 1-8 of those were down to the opposition rolling around laughing at the tongues hanging out of our players as soon as we’d a chance to score. We don’t want to win the league or championship because of our tongues. If we make it into the Ulster Championship it’ll be picked up by the TV and where’ll we be then? Mickey McGee needs to curb this epidemic now! Someone’s going to lose a tongue.”
O’Brien is realistic about the time scale for change and of certain scenarios that might be beyond repair:
“This’ll take time. People in Loughmacrory have concentrated in this manner for centuries. I also realise that young lads in Sally’s will find it hard to concentrate on their dancing without their tongues hanging out, especially with the drink in them. They have to impress the women with the dancing and if their tongues are dangling out then that’s just collateral damage.”
The Loughmacrory and District Tourism Committee aim to start monitoring motorists doing hard parking next weekend in an effort to curb the tongue problem.
Brackaville Plumber On Strike Until Wife Stops Spending All The Money In Newell Stores
A likely scenario in Brackaville today
A Brackaville plumber, John McCann, has downed his tools and embarked on a 7-day strike until his wife stops spending their money on ‘stupid things’ in the new Newell Stores in Coalisland. The self-employed 59-year old also hit out at customers who say they’ll pay him the next day they see him and then duck for cover for up to a year afterwards. McCann denies he’s having a meltdown and prefers to say he’s taking a stand on a range of matters:
“That bloody woman. I go out and do a job, get a lock of pounds, throw it on the table, jump in the shower and come down only to find she has disappeared. On returning she’d have bought something stupid like screw bulbs or AAA batteries that were on offer in the Newell Stores even though we’re not short of them. I’m sick of it. That new shop will ruin us. All they have to do is slap a £1 sticker on something and it’ll end up on our table. Like, five Turkish Delight yesterday. Who the hell eats that? I’m officially on strike now. We’ll see how she likes that.”
McCann also hit out at the miserly nature of the majority of his customers in the greater Coalisland area:
“That’s another thing. You’d get an emergency call to fix a burst pipe and I’m there in minutes. On finishing the job you’ll see the customer patting the front of his trousers and then the back pockets and you know what’s coming. He’ll say he has nothing on him at the minute but that someone will throw a few pounds down to the house later on. For the next twelve months i’ll see them in the distance walking around the town. As soon as they set eyes on me they’ll throw themselves into the first pub or shop they see. I did nine jobs this week and got paid for one, and even that was a fiver a Coalisland pensioner threw me for installing a new shower. A fiver! I don’t care if every house in Brackaville and the ‘Island is flooded next week as I’m not answering the phone.”
Worried locals are considering a benefit concert for McCann to get him back to work but have warned professional musicians that they’ll be getting paid with ‘those wee sticks for lighting the fire’ and that any money made from the concert will not necessarily go directly to McCann.
Hairy Tyrone Women – The World’s Most Desirable In 2013
Tyrone woman at the Washingbay sports
The world famous Cosmopolitan magazine have announced plans to scour county Tyrone in preparation a four-page article they’re doing on the latest world craze of hairy women. Italian fashion guru Matteo Cambi, who has long championed the return of hairy women on the Mediterranean catwalks, last week announced that hairy women are now in style and are being sought after for perfume and négligée adverts as well as major film roles across the continent. The good news didn’t stop there for local women as Spielberg announced he will be seeking naturally hairy women for his next blockbuster as opposed to those women who have just recently decided to not shave as the former would be more comfortable in their own skin during key tense scenes. Sources say he will arrive in Derrylaughan this weekend.
Personal agent Terry McNeill revealed that Tyrone may now become a hotspot for the multi-millionaire playboys looking for celebrity girlfriends:
“This is class news altogether. We all know how Tyrone women were never afraid to strut their stuff au naturale. Now the naturally hairy women have been finally rewarded with much-deserved recognition. This is a big two fingers to Gillette and Wilkinson Sword Quattro and the Derry women who used them. We’re proud of our hairy women and now we’ll have some job holding on to them it seems.”
Spielberg has identified the type of girl he is after in great detail. Features such as naturally bushy eyebrows, slight upper lip shadow and a healthly hairy neck are high on his list. Visible hairy legs are a must, with those possessing hairs on the back of their hands the probable highest earners. Jackie Devlin from Tattyreagh says it is the best news she has heard in years:
“I always had a notion Colin Farrell needed a real woman, someone who’ll not be sharing his shaving gel or running down the battery on his dry shaver. Jaysus, I can’t wait til get stuck into boys like Clint Eastwood. I’ll make his day, every day.”
Gortin Announce Radical Discipline Measures For Misbehaving Children
Typical Gortin youngster
The Gortin Pensioners’ Society (GPS) today declared that children nowadays ‘don’t know they’re born’ and recommended that parents adopt a zero tolerance approach to discipline starting tonight at bath time. The 6 month-long study, which included questionnaires and spying through windows, concluded that if things didn’t change then we’d be left with ‘a generation of lazy shites’. GPS chairman Liam Coyle told us:
“I have a grandson of my own and he’s 14. As part of my research, I gave him a broom last week to sweep out the yard. Minutes later I caught him googling ‘how to work a broom’ on his phone. When I was 14 I was out setting ramparts alight, siphoning diesel between motors, holding my grandfather up for him to do his toilet business, reading Latin epics, dancing the Waves of Tory in the garden with my aunties, gathering hay to throw over our beds at night and betting on or participating in organised bare knuckle fighting with cousins – all in one evening. These children don’t know they’re born, whatever that means.”
The study recommended that new measures are to be activated tonight with all Gortin children under the age of 8 to be bathed in a metal tub with a wire brush and some baking soda. Coyle warned of spontaneous spot checks:
“From Saturday night we will be calling in unannounced on random homes in the greater Gortin area. If we find children sitting in rooms playing iPads, DSs, CDs or Skyping, they’ll be ordered out of the house and given a spade with the instructions of digging a hole until we say stop. We have the full backing of the parents.”
Meanwhile Plumbridge Mayoress Kitty Lyons said they’re monitoring the Gortin situation closely and will act swiftly if results are positive in their neighbouring village.
“We need to grab the bull by the horns. There’s no better feeling than giving a lad a skite around the back of the ears for next to nothing – just sort of to let them know you’re older and stronger.”
Brocagh Family Had Best Holiday Rows Ever Over Easter In Bundoran
The McGurks, Good Friday
By Gombeen
An esteemed Brocagh family, the McGurks, claim they experienced the deadliest arguments they’d ever had during a three-day break at a caravan site in Bundoran over Easter. Tom and Cathy McGurk treated their two children and Tom’s parents to a traditional 6-seater getaway during the extremely cold spell at the end of March, managing to return to Brocagh with no one talking to anyone at all. Tom explained how the adventure got off to the worst possible start, making it a memorable break:
“As soon as we pulled out of Ballybeg Road, the children started arguing over who was getting the iPad. My mother then started giving off about the way young’uns couldn’t be pleased these days and that in her day they shut up and said nothing. Of course, my Cathy took that as a slight on her parenting skills and lit on mummy about poking her nose into things and even brought up my alcoholic brother as an example of ‘looking a bit closer to home’. We hadn’t even reached Cookstown and there was already stony silence.”
Things took a turn for the worse when Tom’s father and Cathy disagreed over the way home from the restaurant in Bundoran to the caravan site.
“To be fair, it was the best holiday for rows we’ve ever had. Daddy and Cathy were having a proper nose-to-nose screaming session over the route home. I was rowing with my ma regarding splitting the bill and the two children were cutting lumps out of each other in someone else’s garden. People were gathering around, pointing and laughing. It was a real humdinger of a weekend. I don’t think we stopped rowing even for a minute. Probably the best ever.”
The second day saw Tom’s parents move out of the caravan and spend the last night in a hotel near Downings but they all travelled home together, fitting in another bust-up over the temperature in the car.
Killyclogher Man Shocked To Discover Wife Is Customs Officer
Deirdre in casual gear
Killyclogher plasterer, Leo McCracken, was today said to be reeling from the revelation that his wife of eight years has actually been a customs officer gathering information on his illegal distillery around the back of their house. ‘Deirdre McCracken’ (real name Constable Geraldine Gilbride) came clean over dinner this evening after feeling she’d collated enough evidence to send her ‘husband’ down for at least three years. Leo was inconsolable:
“Holy mother and the donkey. I’d dumbfounded. I’m trying to recall some clues but nothing comes to mind. She even stirred the brew and took part in lethal sessions we had in the shed whilst tasting the stuff. I can even remember her gulping down the plum poitin on a Saturday recently whilst doing some kind of mad Irish dancing on a milk crate. We courted for three years and are married eight. That’s an eleven-year undercover operation. We have four children for buck sake. She’s some operator, I’ll give her that.”
The HM and Revenue spokesman tonight admitted that in 2000 they decided to for once and for all bust the lucrative Killyclogher illegal alcohol business by making a female officer woo and court a suspect. Chief Superintendent McCrystal told us:
“Fair play to Constable Gilbride. An eight year marriage and bearing four children shows dedication to the job. She decided to come clean after Leo suggested dressing up as Wombles to spice things up a bit in the marriage. That’s the end of Leo and his 450 gallon a year production. To be fair to him too, it was great stuff and part of me will miss it.”
Leo maintains he has learned his lesson and hopes ‘Deirdre’ will visit him and the kids the odd time:
“Ah we had some great times. When I think about it now though, I should’ve noticed she was a cop. She would say ‘hello, hello, hello’ first thing in the morning and would leave notes for me under the wiper on the windscreen of my car. She also drove a Land Rover with flashing lights”
Future Of Tyrone’s Coastguard Helicopter In Jeopardy As Pilot Held To Account
On duty, this morning
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
The future of Tyrone’s coastguard service lies in doubt amidst claims that the helicopter pilot employed by the Coastguard was witnessed on several occasions using the aircraft for his own personal use. Kieran Doherty of Trillick was allegedly seen landing in the Tesco car park in Dungannon to use the cash dispenser two weeks ago on Saturday. He defended his actions, saying:
“I thought I saw someone close to the edge of the lake in Dungannon Park. You can’t be too careful you know. I went in to make an emergency landing but she over-shot and accidentally landed in Tesco’s car park. Just next to the cash point. And anyway, I could hardly have landed in Dungannon Square, could I? It’s heaving on a Saturday afternoon”.
Doherty has also had to defend accusations that he hovered at less than 50 feet above the pitch for the entire second half at last Sunday’s match at St Colmcille’s football ground between Carrickmore and Eglish, allegedly to get a pilot’s eye view of the game. “Not true” said a heated Doherty.
“I just happened to be flying by and saw a whole lock of people waving and shouting. We’re trained in the Coastguard that that sort of thing can often be a sign of people drowning, so I went in for a closer look. By the time I realised all was in order, Mark Donnelly had scored two brilliant goals and was going for the hat trick. Deadly. He’d probably have got it if the ball hadn’t flown into the rotors. Some boy that Donnelly”.
The claims come at a time when many people are questioning the benefit of the Coastguard service, which is based at Omagh. The helicopter, an Agusta Westland AW139 model, currently costs the public purse more than £1m each year to operate. “It’s ridiculous” said local MP Sean Cribben, an opponent of the service. “It’s utter madness to have a coastguard helicopter for Tyrone when any idiot can see it’s a bonkers idea. A lifeboat would be much more cost effective”.
Criticism has also come from certain parts of the county who have been distressed by the presence of the helicopter. Stewartstown residents in particular have been reported as being terrified of the “big noisy sky bird”, and have run into their homes screaming.
Moy Unveil New VIP Section In Stand For New Season. Donaghmore Furious.
The failed Dromore VIP section
Moy GFC this morning unveiled their Premier Viewing Section at their ground on the Benburb Road, becoming the second Tyrone club to do so after the failed Dromore attempt in 1988. Dignitaries such as Plunkett Donaghy and Dr Kennedy from Neighbours attended the opening although photographers from Donaghmore boycotted the event. Moy treasurer Ronnie McGeown cut the ribbon which was actually a bit of police tape the PSNI left behind during a raid last year. The section consists of a perfect square at the top right hand corner of the stand allowing 8 or 10 people to squeeze into. McGeown believes this will become the norm around the county before long:
“Myself and a couple of lads were finding it increasingly irritating to stand with the ordinary man watching a match, what with their foul language and snorting and stuff. We came up with an idea of a VIP section season ticket that will allow six home fans and four away who possess a certain level of respectability to sit together in the top corner with four-foot perspex glass around them. We will provide fine English cheeses and a glass or two of Chilean Merlot. Free wifi will also allow the VIPs to do business transections or arrange social gatherings for the Tatler. We will maybe throw the leftovers to the non-VIP shower at half time like bits of cabbage etc.”
Donaghmore GFC are said to be furious that they have been surpassed as the poshest club in Tyrone. Chairperson Henrietta Winklebottom did not hold back:
“Who do they think they are? Have you ever been to the Moy or Benburb? Shit-kickers we call them. Always covered in crap. We’ve been picking bits of Venezuelan Pork from between out teeth at matches long before the Moy had running water. I had a look at the so-called VIP section. It’s like an exclusion zone for foot and mouth sows. This is just like the time Dromore tried it. They made the VIPs stand on bicycles.”
All six tickets home tickets have been sold for this weekend’s visit of Derrylaughan. The Kevin Barrys were not offered their allocation of four on the grounds that it would be pointless. A VIP season ticket costs £600 or £100 per game.
Aughnacloy Building Firm Admit To Using Frozen Trifle Instead Of Bricks
The future?
Gildernew’s Building Supplies have admitted that they attempted to cut costs by using frozen trifle and jelly to build a new estate out the Monaghan Road last year. Suspicions were raised when house-owner Kieran Copney noticed his children licking the walls more often than what would be usual in South Tyrone. After further investigation, the Copneys discovered other shortcuts had been made in a desperate attempt by Gildernew’s men to save money during these times of austerity.
”Holy God. Bricks made of trifle. Have you ever heard of that before? Only in Aughnacloy. To give them their credit they seem to have made a quare job of freezing it permanently and soothing out any wobbliness. And in the summer time there was a gentle whiff of whipped cream and custard which disguised any natural wind breakage from the wife and children. But, they could have told us like. The cement seems to be made from porridge and Ready Brek too.”
Building Control have made further investigations into the affair and released some startling discoveries:
”After a thorough investigation, it appears that some of the rafters in the attics were made from solid French loaves, filled with some kind of polyfill. Many of the windows were plastic with cling-film over it to give off a sparkly kind of look. It was some job.”
Gildernew’s issued a statement today defending their choice of building materials, even going on the offensive regarding other dubious practices from rival firms.
”If those children hadn’t started licking all the walls, familes on the Monaghan Road would’ve lived in domestic bliss without knowing the truth. Now they’re expecting an interior wall to start wobbling at any moment. It’s all psychological. This sort of practice has been going on for years. I know of a B&Q out near Omagh that sold sheds made out of out-of-date tortillas. There’s a housing estate in Coalisland made from liquorice.”
Brocagh Child To Walk 150 Yards To School. Mother Apprehensive.
Davidson in training
Nine-year-old Sean Davidson from Brocagh will tomorrow attempt to walk to school from his house, approximately 150 yards, in a bold move which has gathered criticism and admiration in equal measures within the community. The last known child to walk to school in Tyrone – Peter Campbell from Glenelly – will be there to offer support and guidance as well pose for photos before and after the event with the brave Davidson. His mother, Mary, said that although she was apprehensive, she supported her son in what she described as ‘the journey of a lifetime’.
‘We were watching Frank Mitchell’s Weather Watchers and he’s predicting patchy rain and a stiff breeze for tomorrow. I hope it’s not abandoned. We are a four car family and decided we had to make a difference for the environment’s sake, and Sean came up with the walk to school idea. Other parents claimed we’re clean mad as a child shouldn’t be walking these days what with their wee chubby legs and possibility of swallowing midges. I hope our wee soldier will do us proud and make history.”
Sean will have the back up of his father following behind in his 2012 Land Rover Evoque in case of emergencies and he will be equipped with an iPad, Sat Nav, a self-erecting tent and a rucksack packed with crisps, minerals and Mars Bars. The principal of Brocagh PS confirmed they’ll be lining the last 20 yards of the route to offer moral support but was also aware of the pitfalls young Davidson may encounter:
‘Donnelly’s collie up the road barks like mad and sticks his nose through the fence as you pass and there’s quite a nasty incline for a couple of metres just before he arrives at the crossing with the lollipop lady. I only hope his new trainers hold out. You never know, this could be the beginnings of an Olympic medal winner for Brocagh’
The Brocagh Obesity Awareness Clinic claim this is only the start of a new mindset in the area and hope it will increase interest in their 100 metre sponsored walk next month.
Suspect Fraudulent Claims Rocks Greencastle Farming Community
A common sight in Greencastle?
Government officials today were refusing to comment on the news that upwards on 150 claims are to be investigated by the ‘Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’. The Bureau were alerted to the possible misdemeanors after a zoo official, who was in their office registering a personal snow-plough, indicated that there were definitely no giraffes in Greencastle. Farmers were invited last month to forward a list of animals they may have lost in the drifting snow in the hope that some compensation would ease their financial losses. The Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’s Johnny Bingham explained:
“We received an unusually large quota of claims from the Greencastle area in the immediate aftermath of the recent snowfall regarding the loss of a vast array of animals not really seen that often around the bottom of the Sperrins. Farmer Devlin claims he lost 33 ostriches and an elephant in the snowdrift. A neighbour, Johnny ‘the yellow boy’ McCullagh, maintains the extreme weather cost him three giraffes, two alligators and four kangaroos. I know the snowdrifts were unusually high but the giraffe is stretching the imagination a bit. Add to that the fact that no one had ever seen a giraffe in the area and it’s beginning to look a bit dubious.”
McCullagh is still adamant he is a few exotic animals down after the snow and explains why locals had never spotted them before the tragdey:
“What does it matter if these people hadn’t seen the giraffes? People here in passing would just put them down as big horses. The two alligators were fairly camouflaged so I can explain that one away. The kangaroos are private individuals and brilliant at avoiding detection. I’m fairly gutted about their disappearance to be honest.”
When pressed on the fact the coyote noises coming from the barn were quite obviously his wife and children faking it and that no animal was recovered when the snow melted, McCullagh muttered something about them being in heaven and to get off his land. Devlin and McCullagh stand to receive £300’000 if successful. John Teague’s claim for a missing wooly mammoth wasn’t even processed.
Wooly mammoth and the Sperrins?
TYRONE NEWS IN BRIEF
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Kildress baker shop to close
‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.
Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all
Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep telling me it is if it’s not?” said a bewildered Sheeran. “I might as well wait a wee while longer. To be honest, I’m only calling to thank them for sending through the offer on travel insurance”.
Dungannon Square to be re-named
Under new EU rules, Dungannon Square is to be re-classified as ‘Dungannon Trapezoid Rhombus’. Dungannon Councillor and part-time nutter Liam O’Donoghue said, “Well, it’s not an exact square is it? Not a right angle to be seen. Go on, measure it. We’d be a laughing stock if Brussels found out we’re calling it a Square. They’d think we’re all culchies. It’s not going to happen on my watch”. Residents in the Pomeroy Diamond are reported as being nervous.
340 lb Cabragh man didn’t go to doctor to get told to ‘lose some beef big man’.
32-stone Cabragh man Sidney Clarke was reported as being furious last night after having been told he was ‘like the side of a house’ by his local doctor. “I was expecting to get some dietary advice and a few exercise pamphlets all of which I could ignore, just like last time” said Clarke. “Instead, he told me in a very direct and uncompromising manner that I had to lose weight”. Dr Kevin McElhatton said afterwards, “Jaysus. The yoke looks like something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’. All that’s missing is the spear”. Clarke however was livid. “This is a personal affront to my dignity”, he said, before waddling off and stopping to wheeze against the side of a lamp post a few yards up the road.
Tattyreagh author publishes book
In an effort to capitalise on the recent success of the best-selling book ’50 Shades of Grey’, Tattyreagh’s very own Sarah Hagan today publishes her debut novel ‘7 Shades of Shite’. On sale in Costcutter’s, it is an autobiographical tale of Hagan’s own coming to terms with her errant and frequently-drunk husband Seamus, and how she experimented with the erotic and sado-masochistic side of their physical relationship by ‘battering lumps out of him with her ironing board’.
