Category Archives: Omagh
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Soaring Cost Of Fuel Sees People Try New Ways To Travel In Tyrone
McSherry headin to work
The recent spike in petrol and diesel costs have witnessed new and mostly unsuccessful ways to travel from A to B in the county. Just last week, our cameras witnessed one man from Coalisland spend £120 filling his Datsun Sunny before pushing his motor into Roughan Lough in disgust. Jackie Carr, a 70 year old plasterer, almost made his way to do a job in Donaghmore later in the day using an inventive mode of transport:
“I’m not spending any more of my dole/work money on petrol but I’m too old to walk any distance. So I got an old ironing board and tied two hungry labradors to the front of it. I then asked my grandson to run ahead of the dogs with a couple of raw rump steaks hanging out of his back pockets whilst I sat on the ironing board. We got as far as Newmills before the dogs caught up with the lad and near ate the arse clane off him. To be honest the ironing board was in bad shape by then anyway. The sparks were annoying motorists behind. Back to the drawing board for me.”
Other unsuccessful attempts to avoid the rising cost of fuel saw a teacher from Augher jump the whole distance to Fivemiletown until exhaustion set in halfway down Clogher Main Street and a sales rep from Glenelly float in a bucket down the Glenelly River to his office in Plumbridge before being capsized by a big shoal of salmon.
The rising number of horses parked outside the Ulster Herald offices in Omagh suggests all is not lost. One journalists, nicknamed ‘McSherry’, said he’s never felt freer:
“I rent a mare from a boy in Stewartstown and it’s working out rightly. There’s no better feeling than galloping through Pomeroy and Carrickmore with the wind in yer hair and my laptop flung over me shoulder, sticking two fingers up at the motorists and their dear diesel. Picking up the manure is a bit of a handlin but sure it’s swings and roundabouts. I think it’s a horse anyway.”
Urney Pub Manager Determined To Improve ‘Customer Experience’ After Attending Marketing Course
McGee’s in Urney
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The manager of a local bar in Urney has launched a marketing campaign in a determined effort to improve the quality of service to its customers. Paul Taggart, who runs McGee’s Bar in the hamlet, decided to improve the pub after having attended a 1-day marketing course in Omagh last month. He denies that he is using big words he learned on the course without knowing what they mean.
Launched with the slogan, ‘Come to McGee’s. You Won’t Get Better’, Taggart said,
“We really want to dynamise the whole customer experience and start taking a collaborative approach with the clientele. That’s why we’re going to put fresh sawdust down in the bogs once a week from now on. And we’ve also got some of them deadly wee blue things to stick in the urinals, like they’ve got in the upmarket bars in Donaghmore. McGee’s is going places. Make no mistake”.
He went on,
“We need some actionable strategies that will help give people a relaxed and tranquil environment, that makes them want to come in and get completely hammered”.
Locals however have not responded well to the new approach, with many customers saying that the decision to start serving fancy cocktails such as lager and lime, and stocking new-fangled flavoured crisps like Worcester sauce was ‘a bridge too far’. One anonymous regular complained that after having been forcibly ejected from McGee’s on Friday for making favourable comments about Joe Brolly, Taggart asked him to complete a questionnaire on his ‘experience’.
“Listen to this”, fumed the 58-year old borderline alcoholic. “‘On a scale of 1 to 10 how satisfied are you with the way you were thrown into the schuch?’ Any more of that shite and I’ll take a collaborative approach to slapping him in the bake. That bollox has gone on thon course and come back with his mouth full of marbles”.
Another customer who also asked not to be named said he was asked by Taggart whether the ambience of the bar lived up to his expectations.
“I wouldn’t have minded, but I was vomiting all over my own legs at the time. There’s a time and a place. Jaysus, I must’ve had a skinful”.
“It’s a transitional project”, admitted Taggart, who said that the questionnaire was aimed at his ‘target demographic’ which are regulars who frequently become angry with inanimate objects, or loudly claim to be an expert on things they know nothing about when sober.
Loughmacrory Wife Rubbishes Husband’s Sub 4-Minute Mile Claim
Curran – a fast man or clampit?
A Loughmacrory plumber, Mickey Curran (44), was this morning still maintaining he ran a mile in 3 mins 45 seconds – becoming only the fourth man in history to do so – on his first run ever trying to lose a bit of weight. His wife has continued to pour scorn on the claim, insisting that he paused the time on his phone by mistake and that he was actually gone from the house for ‘over an hour’.
Curran, a 20-a-day smoker who currently weighs 17 stone and hasn’t run since he was 14 or so, decided to get fit after making fun of a hefty reflection of a man in a shop window in Omagh before realising it was himself. Setting off down the Crotty Road yesterday morning, Curran says he wasn’t surprised at his record breaking time:
“I had a fair idea I was flying. Although I haven’t exercised in 30 years and am carrying a bit of timber, I’ve always imagined I’d be a deadly runner. I remember watching the lympics and saying to herself that I’d bate most of them Africans no bother. And I’ve just proved it. That Morrocan boy (Hicham El Guerrouj) may get used to the fact that by the end of this week his 3:43 time will be shattered, right here in Loughmacrory. A mile seems to be my distance”.
Daisy Curran has rubbished her husband’s claims and maintains he’s just making an idiot out of himself:
“Jaysus, he’s some dick. He was gone for over an hour and came back with vomit streaming down his Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt. Sure I could see him out the kitchen window. He barely made it down our lane and that’s only 10 metres. Clampit. He has accidentally pushed the pause button on the iphone”.
Curran has set his sights on breaking world records for javelin, shot-put, 100m and downhill skiing by the end of the month.
Worrying Increase In Straight ‘A’ Students. County On Amber Alert
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following last Thursday’s news of a Loughmacrory A Level student being discovered with 3 A* grades, three more men across the county have been found with similar qualifications in their GCSEs. Police authorities have placed the county on alert level ‘Amber’, and have warned residents to brace themselves for the discovery of further smart arsed lads.
DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI said,
“We’re not sure if they’re all part of a cell, or a ‘brain cell’ as we’re calling it. At present the evidence points to this being true, as they all appear to have a fondness for Dickens and a common understanding of simultaneous equations. It’s a sad day for the county. Who’d have thought there might have been a brain cell around these parts? We’ve always had intelligent women but smart Tyrone boys were a thing for fantasy books”.
56 year old Deirdre McConnell, a part-time chapel-attender from Eskra, was a neighbour of one of the accused men, 16 year old Desmond Coyle.
“Sure, Dessie always kept himself to himself. Quiet wee lad growing up. I remember hearing talk that he was a prodigy, that he could use a knife and fork by the time he was twelve and put on his own socks at fifteen, but people say things in spite. I suppose looking back the writing was on the wall by that stage. There were rumours that he was once caught with a girlie magazine with ‘Wuthering Heights’ hidden inside. It makes me feel sick”.
Inspection of Coyle’s home last night discovered several incriminating documents under his bed, including the Ulster Herald, three copies of The Economist, and an old edition of ‘Juno and the Paycock’. A geometry set and a dictionary were found at the homes of one of the other men. It is alleged that Coyle fully intended to use the grades to attempt to better himself, either in Belfast or possibly England.
Authorities are also investigating the sale of a scientific calculator in Omagh to see whether there may be a connection to the four men.
Meanwhile, a girl in Derrytresk who achieved what has been described as a ‘rake of A* grades’ is to have a rampart named after her.
Parish Priest ‘Kept It Real’ In Most Modern Omagh Mass Ever
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Modern Look
Controversial parish priest Father Dermott Connor, launched a radical new mass this morning, aimed at bringing mass to the masses in the 21st century.
The 38-year old priest of St Matthew’s Parish Church in Cornamaddy near Omagh, explained,
“We’re ringing the changes. Young ones won’t go. Weekly dues are down. We need to raise money to renovate the church tower. And to replace the snooker table in the vestry”.
The priest has raised eyebrows amongst his flock with some of his far-reaching changes.
“We brought the communion wafers bang up to date and switched them to Pringles. The young ones loved it. We kept it tasteful and stuck to the conventional ready salted flavour, nothing flash like thon barbeque ones. Although I did toy with the idea of doing ‘Jesus n Onion’ flavour. And ‘Exalt n Vinegar’”.
Fr Connor was however keen to show his respect for the usual traditions.
“Of course we still did the Death Notices but we changed them to ‘Death Shout Outs’, to liven things up a wee bit for the dearly departed. We have to be sensitive to the traditions of the church but also alive to the modern times. But we can combine both. Which is why I think turning the queue for communion into a big conga line was the best idea although the replacement hips brigade found the going tough. And Mrs O’Halloran has been practising Sister Sledge’s ‘We Are Family’ on the church organ for a few weeks now and we’ll give that a rattle next week”.
The forward-thinking priest has also replaced the angelus bells with a ‘bass cannon’, a 30-second blast of hardcore dance trance music that’ll get its first airing tonight. 88 year old Kitty McCabe gave her view:
“Ah he’s some bollox that boy. It’d be more in his line to de-modernise it. I really miss kissing the Bishop’s ring and the Latin. Also, the priests used to turn their backs to you and we could lark about behind them swapping snuff and winking at far out cousins. Though them Pringles are nice enough now but why not a slice of Veda”.
Other ideas being considered include replacing the offering of the the sign of peace, usually a weekly handshake with people in neighbouring seats, with high-fiving each other, and putting MTV into the confession box.
Riots In Greencastle As Local Author Denounces Fairies
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Rioters ran amok in Greencastle last night following the publication of a controversial book challenging the existence of fairies.
Gerard Fox from Coalisland published ‘The Fairy Delusion’ last week to critical acclaim in the literary capital of Omagh, but closer to home locals have been less than welcoming.
Local Greencastle man Hugh McElvogue was particularly scathing about the book.
“Shhh. Keep the voice down”, he whispered furiously. “Them ones at the bottom of the garden might be listening”. He went on, “Once we got someone in the parish to explain all the big words in the book a lot of people went off the bap. This is blasphemous. He can’t go saying fairies don’t exist when the bible says they do. It does, doesn’t it? Or am I getting mixed up with elves?”
The book goes on to make further allegations regarding the existence or otherwise of other creatures. The author asserts that sprites don’t exist although mermaids do, gnomes don’t, unicorns do, ogres do, trolls don’t, and remains uncertain about midgets.
“It’s not been easy the past few days”, admitted Fox. “All people are doing is focusing on the fairies bit of the book. Like, I definitely don’t believe in fairies although to be honest I can’t really explain how the tooth fairy works. That’s a hard one. That’s why I’ve argued in the book about not cutting down fairy trees, but maybe just giving them a wee trim and then running away, or maybe blaming the neighbours. You can’t be too careful”.
The author was keen to discuss other material in the book.
Figment of the imagination?
“Them ones in Greencastle need to wise up. They’re even going on about the comment that Hugo Duncan is a myth and everyone’s known that for years. Even the ones in Clogher. Same goes for Daniel O’Donnell. He was invented by parents as a threat to children that they’d put his music on if they didn’t get to bed”.
Violence in Greencastle escalated after someone misquoted the book as saying that Santa was an ‘evil old arsehole’ and should be renounced by everyone, especially children. It transpired that the book was actually making a reference to Satan.
Number of Tyrone Pallet Seller Millionaires At All Time High
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Shrewd Benburb millionaire
Recent research shows that there are now close to 10,000 people in Tyrone who have become millionaires from selling pallets.
The data, produced by the Research Institute of Northern Ireland, confirms that every single person in Tyrone now knows at least one person who knows someone who has made a fortune selling pallets.
This however is contradicted by the 2011 census returns. Those who confirmed their occupation as working in the pallet sector usually had other jobs which appeared to be relatively menial and low paid, including tree watcher, banana straightener, and bed tester, clearly inconsistent with a millionaire pallet tycoon.
Anecdotal evidence however suggests that there is indeed an abundance of people who know people who know someone who has somehow managed to create a personal fortune from selling pallets.
“Aye, it’s a mystery”, said local Omagh economist Seamus Ramirez. “All these millionaires and yet none of them seem to be spending any of their hard-earned pallet money in the county. I can’t understand it. I’ve yet to find one of these pallet magnates”.
Benburb man Kevin Brady however countered this.
“Oh aye. My granda knows a fella who knows a boy who drinks in the McGovern Arms in Benburb. John Joe. Quiet guy, sits in the corner. Not much to look at. But my granda says he’s made a fortune selling pallets, so he has”.
Further investigation at the Benburb hostelry did indeed contain a man in his late 60’s, sitting in the corner and answering to the name of John Joe. The alleged millionaire, who was clearly in the advanced stages of inebriation, said,
“Eh. What? What parrots? I’ve not been selling no parrots. Not this week anyway. Are you from the Social? There’s no money to be made in carrots. Unless you’re a rabbit. Are you selling rabbits? I used to have a parrot. Are you two twins?”
Despite the other occupants in the bar confirming that the man seemed to spend all day every day in the same seat in the same bar, they also confirmed in a conspiratorial whisper that he had indeed made a fortune selling pallets but that he “didn’t like to go splashing it about”.
Education Board Release Unusual Tyrone GSCE Answers
The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.
Listed below are some of the answers:
Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.
Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.
Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.
Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.
Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.
Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth
Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..
Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.
Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.
Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.
Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink
Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.
Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.
Good Weather Sees Rise In Safari Animals Wandering Tyrone
Lion on bus to Omagh
The recent good spell has sparked a rise in desert mammals popping up across the county according to animal spotter Hugh Pat Bonner from Ardboe. Elephants in Eskra, gazelles in Greencastle and camels in Carrickmore have become the norm as the animals acclimatise to the balmy mid-Ulster climate. Bonner admitted that even he was surprised to see an alligator drinking out of a ditch outside the Battery bar.
“Aye, thon was a bit of a shock. What surprised me most was that the alligator just nodded at me like as if he’s been here for years. My brother said he saw a cheetah in Moortown chasing after midges. I wonder do these animals lie dormant in Ireland until we get Sahara-like weather.”
John Agnew admitted he now misses being stuck behind cattle on the road to Dungannon compared to what’s happening now:
“I was on the Killeeshil Road yesterday and was caught behind a herd of elephants heading towards Castlecaulfield. You think cow-pats are bad. These boys drop monster-sized dungs and then swipe the stuff at your windscreen with their trunks. Then from the Killyliss Road we were attacked by a shower of monkeys. I’ll never complain again about oul Cullen’s cattle.”
Carrickmore residents however have welcomed the arrival of 44 camels. Mary Kelly, a lady of the night, admitted:
“They’ve been a welcome addition to the Carmen landscape. These boys can haul 600 bales no bother and only need a spoonful of water. Also, their milk is less fattening. Women are drinking straight from the teet and are losing pounds by the day. And the humps are good oul craic too.”
However, an oranguan in Donemana is proving to be a social pest, spying on women getting ready by hanging upside down from guttering.
County Tyrone’s Top-Ranked Tennis Player Gutted About Not Making It To Final Rounds
Tyrone’s no.1
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone’s highest-ranked tennis player, Connor Muldoon from Dregish, has once again failed to make it to the final stages of Wimbledon.
Whilst official world rankings only include the top 1,000 players, it is believed that Muldoon, whilst number 1 in Tyrone, ranks approximately 6-millionth in the world. He tried to enter this year’s Wimbledon tournament on the wild card entry system, but was rejected on the grounds of not having the necessary funds to travel to London, lack of an authenticated playing record, and for not having a tennis racquet.
“I’m devastated”, said the forlorn player. “I really thought that this was going to be my year. With Roger Federal and the other one already knocked out, I could have gone all the way. If I had just got in in the first place”.
Muldoon was originally tipped to win the tournament by bookies in Omagh as somewhat of an outsider at odds of 10,000,000 to 1.
“That proves my point, see?” said Muldoon. “A 1 in 10 million chance. That means even the bookies think I’ve got a chance. And they haven’t even seen me play. I’m deadly. And thon strawberries and cream are quare. I’d be horsin’ them into them by the punnet. I’d fit right in. And I reckon I could take thon Venus brothers on and give them a right going over”.
Muldoon had plenty of advice to offer the current contenders.
“I’ve been watching the technique of thon Scotch boy Andy Murdoch, and he’s vulnerable”, he said. “When he hits the ball with the bat thing he’s not hitting it hard enough. He should hit it harder. I can hit the ball really hard. They’re my favourites. Bang! Like that. Mighty. And he needs to work on his tantrums. They’re not tantrums. I’ll show him tantrums. If thon referee called one of my hits out I’d drag him off his big ladder and cut the lining out of him. I’d stick that Hawkeye yolk right up his arse. That’d learn him”.
“I’m definitely going to win Wimbledon next year”, said a determined Muldoon. “Once I learn the rules there’ll be no stopping me”.
County In Denial That It’s Getting Excited About Obama’s Visit
By Shengas McGlumphie
The majority of residents throughout Tyrone continue to strenuously deny that they are struggling to contain their excitement about Monday’s arrival of the US President to Northern Ireland, despite mounting evidence to the contrary. Following news last week that woman are piling on the slap, subtle signs continued to manifest themselves over the weekend that people are getting all giddy.
Asda in Omagh confirmed that they have seen an increase in housewives purchasing garibaldis and luxury toilet tissue in case the President is caught short whilst driving about the County, whilst its menfolk have been seen tidying gardens, watching ‘The West Wing’, and taking basketball lessons.
“Eh? I’ve been a basketballist for years”, said a guilty-looking Sean McMann, a bouncy castle tester from Drumquin, “with the rings and high jumps and what have ye. So Obama plays the game, does he? Jaysus, I never knew. Tara coincidence that”.
Other retail outlets saw increases in the sale of fast food, baseball caps, and waterboarding equipment, whilst an opportunistic bed and breakfast in Castlederg has somewhat hopefully re-named one its rooms, ‘Presidential Suite’ after they hung up a picture of Nancy Reagan in it.
However, the apparent nonchalant approach has been contradicted by a recently formed on-line campaign called ‘Tyrone ♥ G8, So We Do’ which has amassed a remarkable 120,000 followers, despite a survey last week showing that 92% of residents have no idea what the G8 is, what it means, what it represents, or how to spell it. One man from Strabane, said,
“G8? To be honest, I’m not into all these young bands. Hum one their songs and maybe I’ll pick it up. Tara timing for a big concert seeing as Obama’s coming over at the same time. Or so I’ve been told. Not that I’m bothered. Right? ”
Meanwhile, Aiden Gormley, a 58-year old confetti salesman from Aughnacloy, has been charged with damage to public property by drawing an enormous ‘H’ on the middle of Ballygawley roundabout, hoping that Obama will land his helicopter on it. Released on bail, a defensive Gormley said,
“What, that? Oh, that’s just a big ‘H’ for ‘hello’. You know, for the tourists and that. Just being friendly. Nothing else. What are you trying to say? I didn’t even know Obama was coming to Ireland. And would he be coming by helicopter by any chance? Do you know what time? I don’t care. But others might”.
Tyrone News In Brief – Possibly Unrelated Stories
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Billionaire re-locates to the Sperrins
Russian looked a bit like this
The enigmatic billionaire Vladimir Alekperov, has puzzled fellow Russians and delighted residents in Castlederg and the surrounding area after re-locating to an unspecified location in the heart of the Sperrin Mountains. The three-nippled megalomaniac was tight-lipped as to his reasons for moving to Tyrone, although he did release a very short statement saying “I am invincible!”
He recently drew the attention of local shoppers when he was seen out and about in Greencastle last Saturday. Celebrity-spotter Martina Callaghan said, “Oooh, he’s a quare looking fella, all mysterious and everything. I saw him in Costcutter’s asking them if they sold nuclear warheads and buying some Whiskas for his white cat. He seems lovely”.
Upturn in Tyrone jobs market
Unemployment in Tyrone has fallen for the third consecutive month, due mainly to an increase in demand for professional henchmen. “It’s very encouraging, although we’re not quite sure where the demand is coming from”, said Sheila McGuire of Omagh Recruitment. “There’s also been a big surge in demand for deadly assassins in the region, who can now expect to get paid as much as £12.50 per hour, or more if they have any particular skills. Specialist experience such as being able to bite through cable car wire or being totally impervious to pain is desirable, and can command £15 per hour and above”. Successful candidates are expected to have a full clean driving licence.
Fears of environmental pollution in Blackwater
Environmentalists are trying to track down the person or persons responsible for releasing several adult alligators into the River Blackwater at the weekend.
The environmental group ‘A Greener Tyrone’ say they believe that someone may have deliberately or accidentally released the reptiles into the water system, which have subsequently gone on to wreak havoc on the environment in certain parts of the county. Attempts by activists to capture the alligators ended tragically for one campaigner when the river bridge he was walking over split in two exactly half-way along, and he was eaten alive. Campaigners were inconsolable by the incident, saying that they believe the indigenous pollen fish may be at risk from the contamination.
Signs of global warming on the increase
Tyrone is under siege from global warming as evidence mounts of an increase in flood water in the Sperrins. Keen hillwalker and ornithologist Seamus Kerr of Gortin said, “I walk up Sawel Mountain most weekends and last Sunday I noticed a huge shimmering lake close to the top of it. I’m certain it wasn’t there the previous weekend. It also seems to be completely frozen over as well, which is odd seeing as it’s June”. Kerr also said he could hear strange birdsong in the distance that he had never heard before, that sounded “like the crashing metal gears of an unimaginably colossal machine”.
Speeding motorist fined
A man was given three penalty points and fined £60 last weekend as the local PSNI continue their crack-down on speeding motorists. The man, from London in England, was driving an Aston Martin DB7 and was clocked at 180mph on the A4 between Dungannon and Granville. Police also reported that the vehicle must have been in a poor state of repair as it appeared to be leaking copious amounts of oil over the carriageway making it extremely hazardous for other road users.
When asked if he knew what speed he was doing, the man responded in a casual manner saying “I hope it was at leasht 200 milesh an hour”. The police have advised that if he is caught giving lip like that again they will “bate seven shades of shite out of him”.
Ardboe Pensioner Creates 5-Mile Tailback Going to Omagh
Gonzales Quinn last week
An Ardboe octogenarian created havoc in mid-Ulster yesterday after setting out on a 37 mile journey to Omagh to visit a sister he hadn’t seen since 1988. James ‘Gonzales’ Quinn, a former eel skinner and well known for his speedy knife method, cranked up his 1957 Wolseley for a journey that would hold Tyrone to a standstill as 944 motors found themselves stuck behind him up the Omagh Road for almost four hours. One such driver, Peter Devlin from Carnan, explained:
“Jaysus it was cat. I was also heading to Omagh to pick up a part for a woman’s undergarment when I found myself directly behind Gonzales at the Cookstown roundabout. I remember being stuck behind him in 1996 but overtook him when he stopped the car near the Battery for a bite of a sandwich. This time, he wasn’t stopping. Twice I made the move to go by him only for Gonzales to veer right over the middle lines. Any other man and you’d think he was winding you up. Not Gonzales. He’s just a wild man at the wheel, and him doing 20mph.”
By the time Quinn reached Kildress, a line of 200 cars had formed behind him, mostly at a snail’s pace. One impatient passenger, reportedly a postman from Coagh, took a head stagger and went on a rampaging 70mph bolt up the wrong way, only to be catapulted up a side road towards Greencastle when Gonzales edged out at the last minute. Paddy McCann told us:
“I saw a cavalcade going past the house at Sandholes, so like any other right-thinking man I joined in. The whole family were greatly excited in the motor, guessing away at what the queue was for. I was thinking maybe a bouncy castle at Gortin but the wife was hoping for a half price day at the Centra in Drumragh. It was a bit of a let down that it was only oul Gonzales going up to see the sister. We didn’t reach Omagh til dark.”
Quinn has yet to return as police warn motorists to listen to traffic updates for information on his journey. The PSNI also confirmed they will not be prosecuting the line of toilet-stoppers during the ordeal.
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Windmill Communications Director Recruited By Local Council
Boyle in his new job
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have appointed a man from Windmill into the recently-created post of Communications Director to improve the contact between the Council and the community.
“We needed someone who can clearly articulate some of the initiatives and decisions of the Council, and translate them across the community in a straightforward and coherent way”, said Council spokesperson Marie Hagan. “Someone says the Windmill are straight-talking people, so we’ve appointed Kevin Boyle instead”.
Boyle, who will be based in Omagh, said,
“It’s quare news hi. I’m deadly good with gathering the words and stuff and putting them together, spaking the English with getting it across and the like. And what Tyrone really needs is someone who can be spaking about putting everything down using the opinions and people and all thon. You know like, ghost-oh. Up the Winemill. Fuck it.”
However, Boyle so far has not made a successful start in the role.
“He was told to advise the local press that BMW are possibly going to invest in a multi-million pound parts warehouse in Eglish” said Hagan. “All good positive stuff. But he somehow went and told the papers that the village was getting its own whorehouse, one of the biggest in Europe, creating over 200 jobs. He made a right hames of it. And you should have seen the deluge of job applications we got”.
Boyle is currently tasked with explaining the controversial reasoning behind the recent deferment in the decision to build the Aughnacloy to Derry A5 road extension.
“That’s an easy one”, said Boyle. “The people who bes deciding to do it have stopped going ahead with it so the road’s not got started yet at the minute. Not the road that’s already there because that’s already there and you be on it but the big road they said they were going to build but now they’re not, although they might. It’s the money and everything. And the fields and sheep and stuff. So that’s the situation there”.
Contemplating his tenure so far, Boyle said,
“I do sometimes get a bit mixed up, but I’m determined. It’s all about saying to people and giving the message really in a way that’s clearly speakable so that everybody knows the ideas straight away. I suppose it’s a gift”.
Tyrone Students May Have Been Discriminated Against In GCSE and O Level English Since 1955
Tyrone teacher Peter McKay
Evidence has come to light that CCEA, AQA and other examination boards may have marked down Tyrone students as far back as 1955 because of the particular dialect from the various regions within the county. News of this blatant discrimination was leaked after a Tyrone teacher was accepted onto a GCSE marking team for the first time since education began. English teacher Mr Peter McKay from Gortin was sampling an exam answer with other teachers from England when it became clear he was letting certain words and phrases go which would otherwise be deemed a fail by the vast majority of markers.
“I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was marking a piece of Romeo and Juliet coursework and the student, who seemed to be from a Dungannon school, wrote ‘Romeo is a bit of a gope who should’ve shut his bake. Their going out with each other was completely banjaxed from the start as it looks like Juliet’s head was cut. I think Romeo couldn’t be scundered with her, like”. I gave that full marks whilst these women from Manchester gave it 0%. The alarm bells were ringing.”
McKay says things got worse when they moved onto the essay about describing your favourite day:
“This boy from Omagh wrote a deadly piece about bringing in the hay before the rain last year. I gave it 98%. I remember some of it clearly. “My oul lad said it’d be tarra if we didn’t get her lifted. I was acting the clift and yarnin and buckin about with our boy. ‘Wheest’ says he. ‘Stop acting the ganches yous two’. Our boy then started lashing rings around him after that feed of scallions and with the snatters tripping me I had to give her 90. It was some handlin. Our boy is some bollocks.” Now, you tell me what’s wrong with that. The Manchester ones gave it 2%. Pure discrimination. We nearly cut the lining out of each other.”
The examination boards are to backdate results since ’55 and any Tyrone native who sat English as an O Level of GSCE will receive a new result, two grades higher.
Aughnacloy Building Firm Admit To Using Frozen Trifle Instead Of Bricks
The future?
Gildernew’s Building Supplies have admitted that they attempted to cut costs by using frozen trifle and jelly to build a new estate out the Monaghan Road last year. Suspicions were raised when house-owner Kieran Copney noticed his children licking the walls more often than what would be usual in South Tyrone. After further investigation, the Copneys discovered other shortcuts had been made in a desperate attempt by Gildernew’s men to save money during these times of austerity.
”Holy God. Bricks made of trifle. Have you ever heard of that before? Only in Aughnacloy. To give them their credit they seem to have made a quare job of freezing it permanently and soothing out any wobbliness. And in the summer time there was a gentle whiff of whipped cream and custard which disguised any natural wind breakage from the wife and children. But, they could have told us like. The cement seems to be made from porridge and Ready Brek too.”
Building Control have made further investigations into the affair and released some startling discoveries:
”After a thorough investigation, it appears that some of the rafters in the attics were made from solid French loaves, filled with some kind of polyfill. Many of the windows were plastic with cling-film over it to give off a sparkly kind of look. It was some job.”
Gildernew’s issued a statement today defending their choice of building materials, even going on the offensive regarding other dubious practices from rival firms.
”If those children hadn’t started licking all the walls, familes on the Monaghan Road would’ve lived in domestic bliss without knowing the truth. Now they’re expecting an interior wall to start wobbling at any moment. It’s all psychological. This sort of practice has been going on for years. I know of a B&Q out near Omagh that sold sheds made out of out-of-date tortillas. There’s a housing estate in Coalisland made from liquorice.”
Omagh Journalist Hires Personal Security After Goading Utd Fans
Outside Omagh offices this morning
In a bizarre development, roving journalist Roger McGuinness was seen walking into his Omagh offices this morning surrounded by a bevy of American-style security men in sunglasses talking down into their wrists. In what he is now calling ‘a severe backlash’, McGuinness took to social networking last night to wind up as many Manchester United fans humanly possible within an hour of the English soccer club’s demise in a top European competition. Misjudging the chronic disappointment of their fans, the freelance hack received a torrent of abuse initially before things took a turn for the worse overnight.
“Jaysus boys it’s tarra. I was only having a laugh like – the sort of barstool slagging you’d dish out in Sally’s or Tessie’s. I didn’t realise how serious these boys took it all. At the start it was just the odd gentle bad-tempered reply. Soon it got personal. I was up at three o’clock this morning hosing down grown men who were dancing on top of my motor shouting “Twelve Cantonas” or something like that whilst giving me the fingers. I never slept a wink.”
McGuinness immediately contacted Fermanagh novelist Damien Brogg who suffered the same fate after claiming in his highly-acclaimed book that Donegal smelt of vomit most of the time.
“I knew Brogg had been through this too. I remember he said men from Donegal would just stare through the kitchen window of his house in Fermanagh at night for six months after the book launch, as a form of silent psychological intimidation. He put me onto these six boys from New York who used to look after Tom McDermott from Greencastle after he came out of the Big Brother house. So far so good. They’ve managed to stretch out three United fans who went for me in the Centra this morning. I’ll not be letting my guard down yet and ironically saw a martial-arts course flyer in Pomeroy this morning. I’ll be fly-kicking these boys soon myself.”
McGuinness says his slagging days are well and truly behind him though he claims he might have one more shot at Liverpool supporters before the season finishes.
Omagh Newspaper Staff Face The Sack. Hiding Culture Exposed.
Business editor hiding
The entire staff of an unnamed newspaper with offices based in Omagh are facing the axe after a rebel investigative journalist uncovered a culture of hiding from the boss whilst on duty. The renegade hack, a former employee of the newspaper group in question, managed to collate video and photographic evidence of the mass skiving which will form the basis of an exclusive documentary that will be aired on mainstream TV next summer.
“Finally got the bastards,” Deckie Brogan told us, “but I wasn’t aware at the extent of it all. I caught a Stewartstown employee, laden with awards and all, and he was hiding out in the boiler house behind the car park with a mattress, pillow and mini-TV with freeview. The owners thought he was out sourcing stories on farming. He was getting them on the Internet the night before. Then there was a boy from Beragh who was hiding behind a skip in the town when he was meant to be at football matches getting reports. He’d set an alarm to go off about fifteen minutes before the the end of the working day, check the scores on Twitter and go back to the offices looking foundered for effect. It was widespread.”
Fermanagh man Brogan will also relate the story of a Derry journalist who insisted on wearing dark glasses supposedly because of the glare of the screen. He simply slept with his hands on the keyboard. An Armagh employee, who was meant to be sourcing articles on fashion trends, would leave the office at half nine, check into the Silver Berch Hotel and read the Ulster Tatler for a few hours. One of the journalists who was caught redhanded admitted:
“Ah Jeepers, I’m done for now. It’s a sad state of affairs that a private sector worker can’t hide but that’s a sign of the times. I might as well get another job that I can do a bit of skiving in. Teaching maybe.”
The newspaper are asking readers to text in their choice as to who should be sacked first. Texts cost £2.
Tyrone Tribulations 