Blog Archives
Justin Bieber Breaks Silence On Coalisland Car Parking Debate
Bieber in Coalisland
Canadian singer and songwriter, Justin Bieber, who recently disproved the possibility of the Big Bang theory, has finally broken his self-imposed silence regarding the erratic car parking scenario in Coalisland.
For centuries, Coalisland has persisted with a free and easy attitude to parking in the town, with drivers able to abandon their motors mid-drive in order to pop into a shop for a pan loaf or pub for a quick pint, blocking traffic in both directions for up to 20 minutes.
Although locals have a relaxed attitude their archaic traffic system, passers-by from as far away as England and Dungannon have resorted to beeping their horns in frustration at the lack of movement on the Main Street. On several occasions, impatient drivers have found themselves overturned or in some cases missing their wheels after a pronged period of beeping and fist-gesticulating.
In a series of online messages, Bieber commented:
“I’ve kept quiet about this but, banzinga baby, car parks are a gift from God. Know what a mean. The driver peeps from the ‘Island need to chill out and park their vehicles in the lots 24/7. You do the math.”
Apologising to the loyal ‘Beliebers’ in Coalisland for the outburst, he threateningly added:
“I’m happy to take matters into my own hands if the authorities in the ‘Island don’t take my shit seriously. Two words: Nuke your ass. My Beliebers, get out to Newmills as soon as you can. Big time, “
before bursting into a rendition of Where Are You Now, making nuclear bomb gestures with his hands.
Coalisland Lord Mayoress Helen Carter retaliated:
“He’s a wee bollocks.”
Meanwhile Landi’s have launched their ‘Bieber Burger’ which, they say, ‘is deadly’.
Wives Successfully Call For Hawkeye To Be Used In Coalisland Pub To Pinpoint Leaving Time
Pub Hawkeye 2.0
An experimental device aimed at precisely identifying the time husbands leave a pub in Coalisland will be activated this weekend during a month-long trial run.
Hawkeye, a complex computer system used officially in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, and soccer, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a record of its statistically most likely path as a moving image, has been adapted to signify human movement outside the pub, with the results directly fed back to anyone wearing the special sensor watch, in this case the plethora of doubting wives in Coalisland.
Mary Coleman, who initially championed the idea after her husband repeatedly told her he left the pub at 1am every night despite probably rolling in at a suspected 4am, added:
“This’ll solve the arguments for once and for all. The majority of us wemen are usually fast asleep by midnight so there’s no knowing what time they left the pub at. But he’d have a deadly head on him in the morning despite saying he left the bar at 1am. I reckon they’re heading to a house for more beer. Hawkeye 2.0 will clear up the mystery.”
Kieran Coleman, who has been married to Mary for 33 years, reckons Hawkeye should be unmercifully ripped off the pub’s outside pillar as soon as the owner’s back is turned:
“This is just PC gone mad. Next they’ll be having umpires standing at the door of the house waving a red flag if you’re a good bit later than closing time or a green one if you make it on time. Not only will Hawkeye meet a sorry end this weekend, that watch of hers will be trampled to smithereens if it goes off prematurely and maybe me sitting in the living room watching Pointless. I’ve heard of a ref’s watch buzzing three days after a point at Croke Park which was waved wide at the time.”
Mrs Coleman reminds wives that the special Hawkeye sensor watches can be bought outside Landi’s for £29.99.
Uproar In Seskinore Over Reclassification Of Ballygawley As A Town
The Town
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
- Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
- Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
- Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
- Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
- Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
- Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
- To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.
Leaked Ashley Madison List Reveals Coalisland Couple Had Affair With Each Other
The leaked list from Ashley Madison, a Canada-based online dating service and social networking service marketed to people who are married or in a committed relationship, revealed that a husband and wife from the Brackaville Road in Coalisland had been having an affair with each other for over a year, dressed up as other people.
Pat and Kate Owens, both 54, admitted they were completely unaware that the person they were having an affair with was already the person they were married to. The affair was revealed to each other when they both turned up to tell their ‘partner’ that the relationship was over because of the leaked list.
Pat, who ran a 10k race in 1984, explained:
“I’d hadn’t a clue that it was my wife I was tackling in the car park at Edendork Hall. She was dressed up as a dentist with a Russian accent, whilst I pretended to be a farmer from the west of the county like Aghyaran. Looking back now, I remember thinking it was odd she said ‘this is some handlin’ when we spotted the Bishop of Armagh pulling up in a motor with a blade from Keady. I just thought that wouldn’t be a phrase someone from Russia would come out with but I just thought I’d maybe misheard her.”
Kate Owens also confirmed that she did have her suspicions that her dark secret was maybe a little closer from home than Aghyaran:
“He’d have this strong west Tyrone accent one minute but now and again he’d come out with ‘deadly win for the Fianna, boys‘ during a romantic clench. Never thought it was the husband though as his teeth were always brushed and it was obvious he’d had a shower within the last 48 hours.”
The Owens’ admitted they are now closer than ever but wouldn’t trust each other as far as they’d throw them.
Coalisland Serial Flasher Blames ‘Bad Pint’
bad pint
A Coalisland plumber, who has been reported for spontaneous flashing in the town over a dozen times since January 2014, has told Omagh Courthouse that a ‘bad pint’ in his local pub usually coincides with his lewd and illegal activities.
Hughie Corr (49), who hasn’t had a drink since his most recent flashing episode on the Main Street last Saturday, has vowed to change his drinking establishment in an attempt to address the recurrent problem. Corr told Judge McCabe
“I can usually tell after three or four sips that it’s a bad pint I’m drinking and that there’s a strong likelihood I’ll be at the flashing later on when I leave the place. I’ve told the bar man a few times now that he needs his pipes cleaned but I’d never want to push it as I’ve a sizeable tab running.”
Judge McCabe has ordered all 12 in the jury, as well as himself, to spend a day drinking in the problem pub to see if there are any legs in Corr’s story:
“I’m well aware that a bad pint can play havoc with a man’s emotions but flashing is on the verge of an unacceptable response to it. We’ll spend the day in the pub and hopefully this social experiment will find this man either guilty or innocent.”
Corr has a previously conviction for damage to a neighbour’s car after blaming a ‘bad steak’ he consumed earlier that day.
Stiff Dog Litter Fines In Brackaville Sees Rise In Canine Nappies
An early model
Draconian measures by the Department of Environment on the long-running problem of dog-littering in Brackaville has resulted in a lucrative dog-nappy business in Coalisland publishing record profits for the third month running.
The DoE announced last month that any dog caught fouling in the Brackaville area will result in a £5000 fine for its owner after thousands of complaints by non-dog owners were made in 2014 over the amount of dog excrement on the roads and pavements. Coalisland residents were having to take the long way around in their motors to get to Newmills as cars were being destroyed by the fresh litter from dogs as big as ‘Russian Alsations on steroids’ according to Coalisland joiner Patsy Hamill:
“Something had to be done like. Them Brackavillians seem to have a blind spot for what their pets do in public. I know they love their dogs up there but sure I love my children but I don’t let them dung all over the town.”
Local businessman Jody McNeill claims he is not cashing in on Brackaville’s misfortune but is in fact providing a much-needed service in the same way a doctor does, with his dog-nappy venture ‘Dog Done Dung?‘.
“Dog Done Dung? has saved Brackavillians thousands of pounds in fines. And we’re keeping with the times as our new range of nappies instantly tweets ‘I done dung’ on its personal Twitter account for that dog. And we’ve all shaped and sizes and even seductive ones for dogs on heat.”
McNeill confirmed dog-nappies retail from £9.99 for small dogs to £29.99 for Wolfhounds.
UN Relief Ships Turn Back As Annaghbeg-Derrytresk Bridge Re-Opens
Derrytesk man makes break for pub
After weeks of living off the fat of the land, Derrytresk residents breathed a sigh of relief after the Torrent Bridge finally reopened enabling cars to access the M1 and Spar on the Ballynakilly Road without negotiating the treacherous drive through Clonoe or Coalisland for provisions.
Home-owners on the Annaghbeg side of the bridge also celebrated its completion with many men and women having to go without a slap of drink in the Derrytresk club for up to three weeks.
Annaghbeg Road housewife Mary McCann admitted another weekend without access to Falls’ pub or the Hill clubrooms would have left their marriage on the rocks:
“Another sober weekend looking at each other and there’d have been blood. The priest said many years ago ‘for better and for worse’ but he never mentioned anything about the Tarn Bridge closing down.”
UN leaders have called back 33 ships carrying necessary provisions such as corned beef, brown mineral and black pudding after pictures emerged on social media of Derrytresk families roaming ramparts eating brackens and drinking bog water in order to avoid heading into Coalisland for goods. Reenaderry Road plasterer Sally Hanna admitted she almost jumped in her motor and drive to Spring Island supermarket in Coalisland such was the desperation in the area:
“People were saying I was some sort of kamikaze woman to be thinking of driving to Coalisland. But I could see my children eyeing me up like as if they were going to ate me. Thank the Lord that bridge opened.”
Meanwhile plans to rename the bridge are to get underway next week with many locals favouring ‘The Road’s In Shite Again Bridge’.
Brolly Hires Home Security After Frazer Brawl On The Lawn
Joe, looking out his window
Joe Brolly was described this morning as ‘tired, exhausted and beside himself’ after it emerged it was a Coalisland man who engaged in a spot of contact lawn-rolling in front of Willie Frazer’s house earlier in the week.
The brief confrontation, which was filmed on Frazer’s home CCTV and described by wrestling experts as ‘probably a draw’, left the Dungiven TV pundit ‘looking out through his curtains all night’ in case a Coalisland man decided to pay him a visit.
A friend of Brolly’s commented:
“Joe barely sleeps anyway what with thinking about mad things to say on TV and stuff but he’s not even going near the bed at all since the Brawl on the Lawn. It’s not fair on the wife.”
Neighbours confirmed that the Derry man bought two massive Pomeranian Terriers in 2013 after his comments regarding Sean Cavanagh in the hope that their yapping would ward off any Moy renegades set on calling out Joe on his own doorstep. He also hoped the fact they were Pomeroy showed no hard feelings.
“Joe’s very proud of his garden and recently planted a whole rake of Peruvian lilies right outside his front door and I know he’d never get over it if him and an elderly Coalisland man wrestled over the top of them.”
The Coalisland Pensioners’ Society Committee issued a statement confirming that Joe Brolly was not a ‘legitimate target right now’ but that ‘circumstances can change from Sunday to Sunday’ and that they ‘haven’t gone away’ but didn’t add ‘y’know’ which suggests they are not aligning themselves to other mainstream pensioner groupings.
Tyrone Business Women In Demand For Non-Crying Abilities
Killyman woman
After recent controversial comments by self-confessed chauvinist and Nobel laureate Tim Hunt who stated that “three things happen when they (women) are in the lab … You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticise them, they cry“, businesses across the world have panicked regardless and started hiring Tyrone women who still retain their reputation for not crying at all, even when watching The Lion King.
Apple, Orange and Sony vans have been spotted several times over the weekend driving about roads in Omagh, Strabane and Dungannon looking for women in suits to drive their businesses to the next level.
Maire McGrane, a 27-year-old biochemistry graduate from Castlecaulfield, revealed she had received 16 offers from as far as China and Wicklow by worried directors ever since Tim Hunt’s remarks:
“I haven’t cried since 2005 and even that was only because I was kicked in the gut by a bull I was castrating. You only have to go out in Dungannon any Saturday night and you’ll see piles of lads crying over football results or being ugly whilst the wemen kick the tripe out of those who are not. I don’t know what this bollocks Hunt is talking about.”
Chinese technological giant Yamahoohoo have made inquiries into whether or not an airport can be built in Coalisland to ferry women across to run their burgeoning corporation.
McGrane warned Chinese men that they’ll not be falling in love as easy as Hunt maintains:
“If I like ye, it’s because you can stick one over the black spot from 50 metres out on your left foot or you can dung out a yard in under an hour. None of that oul love shite.”
Invest Ireland are looking into ways to keeping Irish women in Ireland, with their poetic spokesman adding ‘if this place is run by men, then it’s economic lights out for the motherland of old Erin.”
Fraudulent Salesman Sold Newmills Woman ‘A Bit Of The Sky’
Sky divided in Brackaville
The PSNI have warned people in East Tyrone to be wary of a man with a strong South Armagh accent going from door-to-door selling bits of the sky above their houses.
The fraudster, who calls himself ‘Francie’, claims to work for ‘The Sky’ and attempts to sell 16-square feet of sky for £322 in a one-off cash payment. Police have worked out that he targets houses with no satellite dishes in the hope that the residents don’t know much about how Sky TV works.
One woman from Newmills, Dervla Adkins (44), admitted she took on the deal despite having grave reservations about how it all worked:
“Francie from The Sky was very convincing. He said the new Tory government were going to privatise any bits of sky not already bought and that they’d be using it for testing missiles and stuff. I certainly didn’t want that over my roof so I bought it and he gave me a certificate explaining the area of the sky I owned. He said my TV reception would be deadly now too because birds and things would not be allowed to fly through a purchased bit of sky.”
Adkins revealed her suspicions to the police after she spotted a whole flock of blackbirds sitting on her chimney the next day in her recently purchased sky bit, without a care in the world.
The PSNI have received 32 calls from house-owners in the greater Coalisland area who also fell for the sky deal. They were also called to a violent argument in Brackaville over who owned what bit of sky for kite flying and for smoke blowing from chimneys into other bits of sky owned by others.
Brackaville Man ‘On Tablets’ After Sitting Between 3 Brocagh Women At Judo Practice For Hour
3 Brocagh women discuss the price of sausages
A previously happy 45-year old electrician from Brackaville has been described as ‘a shell of himself’ after suffering a severe reaction to listening to three Brocagh women whilst waiting for his daughter to come out of Judo practice in Coalisland.
Kevin O’Carland, whose 9-year old daughter only started Judo practice that week, endured an hour of listening to a range of topics from nail varnish to the weather as well as how much weight Eamonn Holmes had lost recently.
Speaking in a darkened room with a towel over his head, O’Carland revealed how he took part in the opening 3 minutes of discussion before eventually losing the will to live with 25 minutes left of the lesson:
“I forced a smile at the start when they started talking about the election and how all politicians were crooked and how it wasn’t worth voting. Small talk I suppose but when I tried to say something about hung parliaments and proportional voting the whole thing went quiet and I felt a bit awkward. Luckily someone mentioned the weather and I was off the hook.”
O’Carland described how the time seemed to stand still for 50 minutes as all three women talked at the same time about how wonderful their children were at everything as well as what they were eating that night as well as the last 15 nights.
“At about 35 minutes I was sweating in case I was asked something as I had zoned out during the Eamonn Holmes Atkins Diet discussion, despite the small confines of the waiting room. I just stared at whoever was talking which was usually all three at once. My head was spinning. All I could do was sing rebel songs inside my head to see me through the ordeal.”
With 5 minutes left of the lesson, O’Carland flipped and randomly began letting out curse words and laughing to himself at nothing whilst the three women discussed how lovely the visiting priest was at Brocagh mass on Sunday.
Doctors do not expect Kevin to make a full recovery.
DUP’s Proposed Tax On Ginger Babies ‘A Step Too Far’ Says Voters
Following recent negative coverage, the DUP are teetering on the brink of implosion after it was revealed that, if successful in Fermanagh/South Tyrone this election, they will propose a hefty tax on ginger babies born in the constituency from September 2015 onwards.
A leaked document, found under a pallet of strawberries outside a vegetable shop in the Moy, explains the party’s thinking when it comes to hair colouring and how gingerism is seen as a sign of rebellion and possible republicanism, with a picture of Martin McGuinness used as way of example.
A DUP voter from Moygashel was adamant he will not be lending his vote to the party in next month’s elections:
“I was uncomfortable with the whole gay issue but this takes the biscuit. I’ve been voting DUP for over 20 years and in that time I have courted manys a ginger woman and they’ve all been dead on and some of them were even Unionists. I’m voting Independent this year.”
Coalisland barber Herbie Lyons was not surprised at the revelation:
“This is just another nail in their coffin. Like my friend from Moygashel above, I’ve walked out with plenty of redheads before and they’ve been fine. Some just had a red head and weren’t ginger at all but that’s besides the point. Up the gingers and down with follicle-bashing.”
A DUP spokesperson claims the party remain unapologetic regarding their stance on gingerism and warned Unionists that if people do not vote for their party because of the redhead issue then they may be prepared for a United Ireland by 2020 run by a parliament of Maureen O’Haras and Ed Sheerans.
Coalisland-Born Astronaut Warned About Diffing And Slagging On International Space Station
Flight Engineer McCann
A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.
Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.
NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.
Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:
“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”
Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:
“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”
McCann has denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.
He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.
Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun
Coalisland, Tuesday
Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.
Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.
Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:
“I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”
Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.
Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.
Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.
Fears Over Solar Eclipse Naked Dancing In Brackaville Heightened
Ritual on Brackaville Golf Course during the ’99 eclipse
Political and religious leaders were today said to be on red alert on the eve of a near-total solar eclipse after rumours began circulating that a repeat of the 1999 solar eclipse activities around Brackaville and the greater Coalisland area may be on the cards.
Back then, over 200 residents were lifted by police for public nudity, burning of pagan symbols, shouting at clergy and general wrecking about for the entirety of the eclipse. 45 year old lorry mechanic Kevin Carland made the international headlines when he was videoed panicking at the semi-darkness, removing his clothes and running down the Brackaville Road shouting ‘we’re all going to die’ before ordering two pints of stout in the Canal End Bar and kissing women he secretly liked.
Local Independent Councillor Patricia Maguire spent the day reminding people in Brackaville that what happens tomorrow can be explained by studying astronomy and is not a sign from God:
“People need to calm down. Surely everyone can remember from 16 years ago that it passes over in an hour or so. Every time this happens here, people forget themselves and lose their heads completely. It like as if folk here are just looking for any excuse to strip off and go mad, going right back to 1344.”
Maguire’s plea is likely to fall on deaf ears as shopkeepers in the area reported a spike in soap and Vosene shampoo, suggesting many locals are showering tonight in anticipation of baring all tomorrow. Priests, who often bear the brunt of unwarranted abuse during the eclipse, have been advised to stay indoors and not to look directly at lay people.
Meanwhile, Stormont has confirmed there’ll be no claims processed for a loss in solar power during the eclipse for houses using alternative energy.
Ian Paisley Jnr To Get Freedom Of Coalisland And a Donkey
Following an investigation into long-forgotten by-laws in Tyrone, researchers have announced that Ian Paisley Jnr, MP for North Antrim, is the rightful heir to the Freedom of Coalisland, a title last awarded in 1791 to President George Washington.
In addition, the ancient ruling states that a local farmer with a surname beginning with ‘O’ or ‘Mc’ must supply a donkey for Paisley to ride through the town at his own leisure on Sundays.
And in a final twist, researchers have discovered that anyone who displays any signs of disgruntlement at the award is to be tied to a lamp post in the middle of the town and stoned for three hours.
Local shopkeeper and former footballer Jackie O’Neill told us through gritted teeth:
“This is absolutely splendid news. I can think of no better sight than Paisley on a donkey sailing down the Main Street on a Sunday, maybe popping in for a Choc Pop or a packet of Hula Hoops. You’ll find no argument from me anyway. I’m fine with it,”
before smashing the cup he was drinking tea out of by squeezing it too hard.
Local farmer, Leo McCann, came forward this morning with an offer of a donkey from his extensive range of animals. McCann, who was released under the Good Friday Agreement, maintains he’d be honoured to see Paisley striding around on his ass:
“I just hope he’s OK with the fact that he’ll be on a republican ass. It’s called Rebel and has been dormant for a few years now but as I said to the wife this morning, he hasn’t gone away y’know. He’ll take the big man’s frame no bother.”
Paisley has yet to comment on the award but sources close to the DUP man claim he was delighted at the news and hopes to canter down the Lineside this weekend and pop into Landi’s for their famed sausage supper and a can of Lilt. Unfortunately, he was disappointed to hear the cinema had closed down.
Coalisland Baker Refuses To Bake Clonoe Couple’s Wedding Cake
No cakes, please
A Coalisland baker is standing by his decision not to bake a cake for a Clonoe couple, who are due to tie the knot in May 2016, citing irreparable sporting differences.
Locally known as James the Baker, the 48 year old business man maintains he’s prepared to go to the European Courts to defend his decision not to bake a cake with the iconic Clonoe black and white colours on the icing as well as a figurine on top of Kevin McCabe scoring a point in the All-Ireland final in 1986.
The devastated Clonoe couple, Paul Corr and Mary Quinn, have contacted a local solicitor to take the case as far as it can go. Corr, who once held the national record for hedge jumping, added:
“He’s some boy. Everyone knows James the Baker is the best baker in the land but he has gone down in my estimation now. I know he’s baked cakes for Stewartstown, Kildress, Omagh and even Dungannon couples…but not for his close neighbours in Clonoe? He can take it as gospel that no Clonoe man nor woman will set foot in his damned shop again. See you in court, James, ye Fianna hoor.”
James Tennyson, whose buns have been known to make people cry with happiness such is their deliciousness, remains defiant:
“My da would turn in his grave if he thought I was donning my cakes with the cursed black and white (spits) of Clonoe. I defend my right to bake my cakes on my terms. Feck the O’Rahilly’s. Yeeooo.”
Local politicians have decided to stay well clear of the issue in the run up to the up-coming elections.
Edendork Hall Yoga Classes Continue Despite Threat Of The Devil Turning Up
Despite warnings by Derry priest Fr Colhoun, Edendork Hall yoga-class teacher Marty Hurson maintains he will continue with his yoga class which attracts 64 women and 2 men.
Earlier in the week, Fr Colhoun claimed too much yoga could leave you one step away from sacrificing goats and stuff but, despite this, Hurson expects to see even more people turning up tonight:
“He has probably done me a good turn. I’ve had loads of women and men coming up to me this this asking if the divil will make an appearance if they do the yoga well. I can’t make assurances but you’d never know. There are a quare few divils knocking about these parts.”
added a shifty-eyed Hurson as he walked off, laughing menacingly.
Yoga fanatic Maureen Brooks (39) from Coalisland made no bones about the recent controversy which threatens to see yoga overtake line-dancing as Tyrone’s favourite past time:
“Well, I’m not scared. I’ve been at the yoga since 2004 and never once have I seen a man with horns running around the hall. I’ve seen plenty of men turning up to look at us women stretching but that’s not the same thing. Nearly, but not the same.”
Edendork Parish Priest Fr Goodwin addressed the issue from his pulpit this morning and appeared to have a slightly different take on the practice from his colleague from Derry. Fr Goodwin, who courted controversy a decade ago when he was spotted jumping up and down celebrating at a cock-fight which was filmed for BBC, told his flock:
“I had someone in confessions this week who panicked after what Colhoun said and began her confession with ‘Bless me father for I have slimmed.’ Let me assure you ladies, keep at the yogaing. There’s no better sight than women in leotards meditating quietly. I’ll be there again tonight adding my support.”
Edendork Yoga Class is sold out until April 2017.
Priests To Name And Shame Meat-Eaters After Ash Wednesday Raid In Landi’s, Coalisland
Probably doomed
Already compared to a professional military operation, priests in East Tyrone are said to be ecstatic after a successful under-cover sting in a chip shop in Coalisland unearthed 77 local church goers buying meat on Ash Wednesday.
Locals have reacted to the raid by stating they thought they were under no obligation to abstain from meat on a Wednesday, or any other day of the week apart from Fridays for the duration of Lent.
Billy Lyons, who ordered 4 cowboys suppers, 3 cheese burgers and a pastie bap, is furious that he was forced to change his order to 5 fish suppers:
“Bollocks to all that. I was looking forward to sausages and beans. But when Fr Foy jumped up from behind the counter, shaking his head and throwing holy water at me I had no choice. Catholic guilt is tara.”
Foy maintains he will read out all 77 names at Mass this Sunday as a warning to anyone else thinking about indulging in meat on Fridays for the next 6 weeks or so:
“The excuse about not knowing the meat rule on Ash Wednesday doesn’t wash. Everyone knows you fast that day to get the body used to no-meat Fridays. You should have seen the faces on some of the guilty parties I nabbed. Even Big Jim O’Neill and Pat Doris were caught out looking for kebabs and chicken wraps and them always first up the aisle for communion. Double standards and double burgers it seems.”
Vatican officials have pardoned the 77 meat orderers this evening and warned them that God wouldn’t tolerate another lapse before Easter Sunday, threatening a plague of parking wardens to the town if the offence was repeated.
Police Called To Annual Making Of St. Brigid’s Crosses At Brackaville
A police spokesman has confirmed tensions may still be simmering today after they were called to the Brackaville club last night to monitor their annual making of St Brigid’s Crosses which ‘cut up rough‘ according to sources.
An altercation occurred soon after 8pm when three men from Coalisland were accused of sabotaging the rushes by squirting glue on the massed bunch in the middle of the floor. Children were reportedly inconsolable at not being able to get rushes off their hands.
Event organiser Fr Talbot added:
“As soon as I saw them Coalisland lads arriving I knew there’d be trouble. You could smell the drink off them and they were smirking and winking and stuff. I’ve no doubt they were squirting glue on the pile. The ‘Island ones have always been jealous of our cross-making culture.”
Punches were thrown at around 9pm when all 388 crosses were put up for show for the annual ‘Best Cross Award’ which sees the winner receive a 3-night stay at Roughan Castle. Fr Talbot explained:
“It was disgraceful. When we hung them up there were artefacts that definitely were not St Brigid’s Crosses: four were rush swastikas and three were just the 2-finger salute. Another one said ‘Brackaville are cat’ and another one read ‘no to dog litter’. I couldn’t help myself so I knocked out one of the lads with broken chair. It sort of spiralled out of control after that.”
One of the Coalisland 3 was forcibly removed from the scene, shouting ‘yiz are nothing but a bunch of pagans anyway‘ to the bewildered Brackaville contingent.
The making of a Brigid’s Cross is thought be a pre-Christian tradition commemorating the goddess Brigid who was one of the Tuatha Dé Danann. A decision on this will be made tonight in The Ceili House pub between a bunch of local pagans and a clatter of clergy.
Tyrone Tribulations 