Blog Archives
Mortified Tyrone Priest Receives Boxes Of Condoms From Late Late Show
A County Tyrone priest, who won two tickets to be in the audience in The Late Late Show at the Parish Christmas Bazaar, is said to be in hiding after arriving back with 16 boxes of condoms which were given to everyone in the audience by Ryan Tubridy. Fr McCaughey’s maid, who was made to carry the gift into the priest’s car and house, was also said to be ‘beetroot’ over the incident according to neighbours in Tattyreagh.
The Valentine’s Day special episode of the popular RTE show also awarded boxes of chocolates to everyone in the audience, heightening the awkwardness of the situation for the Omagh-born clergyman, who elected to bring his long-serving maid Mary Quinn to the show as his partner.
Fellow spectator and bachelor Kieran Kelly from County Meath confirmed it was a show from hell for the man of the cloth:
“I was sitting beside Fr McCaughey when Tubridy announced it was a Valentine’s special. He muttered something like ‘Ah bollocks’ and tried to leave but they wouldn’t let him budge. I saw him fiddle with the collar a few times but it seemed to be stuck too. It was an unfortunate scenario for the man and the maid, Mary.”
On leaving the studio, all members of the audience were given their chocolates and contraceptives, with the Tattyreagh parish priest attempting to escape the ordeal. Unfortunately, accepting the gifts is compulsory and the pair had to walk a mile to their car holding boxes of Milk Tray and Durex, much to the dismay of elderly Dubliners out walking.
After receiving a torrent of abuse from disgusted onlookers, according to eye witness reports Fr McCaughey tried to explain how to got them but was drowned out by cries of ‘dirty bastard’ and ‘go on yis pair of hoors’.
Tattyreagh Parish confirmed today that the Durex boxes will be donated to any Protestants in the greater Omagh area if they want them.
Roof Rabbit ‘Bumper’ To Launch Autobiography And Reality TV Show
Bumper on another escapade
Bumper the rabbit, who was discovered on Friday atop the roof of his owner’s home in Omagh after fierce winds from Storm Gertrude knocked over his hutch and catapulted him into the air, has revealed he’s to launch ‘Not A Happy Bunny’, the story of his rooftop ordeal.
The book, to be ghost-written by local journalist Ronald McSherry, will be launched at the same time as a Channel 4 reality TV show centred on the famous bunny and his daily life, entitled ‘It Could Be Stew’, which will be aired over nine episodes in the UK and Ireland.
Local vet Lisa Fortune maintains the book has come too soon:
“It’s a sign of the times. People cash in on their fleeting fame too often now and in this case, too soon. Bumper is in post-traumatic stress mode at the minute and isn’t capable of making rational decisions. The cynic in me thinks this McSherry writer put the rabbit up there himself so he can make a couple of pounds out of it but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to Bumper as he is definitely stressed out a bit.”
The Channel 4 documentary/reality show will follow Bumper about on his daily business: sleeping, eating carrots, excreting in the corner of his hutch, and avoiding the cull for a nice stew in a local hostelry. Programme-maker Sir Harry Tubett is sure the show is going to be a hit:
“Bumper is a natural wit. You’d be talking away to him and he just stares at you, scrunching up his nose and showing his massive teeth. He’s a hilarious bunny. We’ve also great shots of people eating rabbit stew in Sally’s in the town and then we cut back to Bumper scrunching up his nose and showing his teeth, but with really sad music.”
Bumper’s agent confirmed the book will be in the shelves by March, in time for Easter. Bumper was unavailable for comment because he was sleeping.
Tyrone Women May Be Planning A New Easter Rising
By Landan Seamy
A future common sight in Omagh?
Local spy Sean McGrinny has reported that the women of Tyrone might be planning another Easter rising. With the 100-year anniversary of one of the most momentous events in Irish history on the horizon and media saturation in full flow, McGrinny maintains there may have been a mobilisation under the radar:
“I know it might sound ridiculous that women could do anything like this. My own wife is a woman” confessed Sean, “and I have stood in loads of queues behind women at bank machines; self service cash outs; and believe it or not I’ve even stood behind a woman ordering beer in a pub in Fintona. I know they’re a bit more reluctant about things but the world is changing. Sure didn’t a woman take charge of the football match between Fermanagh and Queens and she didn’t do too bad at all. Also you often see women on TV winning prizes for all kinds of stuff”.
Sean said that the entire scheme came to his attention when he noticed lots of women walking really fast around Omagh.
“They start out so fast you would think they had to get somewhere in a hurry but if you remain where you are you will see them marching back just as fast in about an hour. They hold their heads up proud and swing their arms like I’ve seen soldiers doing in the movies. They’re obviously training for something”.
Sean became convinced that there was something strange going on after he followed two of the women for a couple of miles.
“Not wanting to frighten them or to let on what I was up to I decided to follow them one night in the dark thinking they wouldn’t see me. I found it very hard to keep up however and as my breathing got heavier one of the women turned around and jumped to the conclusion that I was up to no good. Instead of acting normal they became very angry and started to shout and told me to f*#k off. Eventually one of them recognized me and told me that she would report me to Pauric. I know that this woman’s husband is called Pauric however I also deducted from her menacing voice that there was some sinister veiled threat there.”
Sean ended with a warning that everyone should take care because whilst the first Easter Rising was a pretty good one this one could be deadly with women in charge.
“I would tell the owners of all local businesses to be on the alert around Easter. I know that the men of 1916 took key government buildings like the Four Courts along with places of industry like Boland’s Mill but women might possibly try to occupy smaller places like pastry shops and hairdressers so my warning to everyone is to be on the alert”
Evidence Of Resurgence Of Irish Language In Tyrone
By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny maintains he has discovered a resurgence of the Irish language in Tyrone, after a series of damning incidents.
“I wasn’t originally researching this” admitted Sean. “I had been out investigating something else and was annoyed when I drove to my sister’s house in Omagh for a break only to find that my parking spot was taken even though she’s put up a sign for me saying “strictly no parking at any time”.
McGrinny continued:
“I’d waited angrily for 5 minutes pondering what to do when I noticed the culprit sneaking back to his car so I leapt out and challenged him as to why he had parked there. His angry reply showed a poor command of English. He kept calling me a horse and asking was I off my face. When I shook him and asked if he couldn’t speak proper English I distinctly heard the words “Pog mo Thon” which I remember from school means ‘kiss my ass’ in Irish.”
Undeterred, he pondered:
“It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps he’d ignored the sign as his main language was Irish so I let go off the scruff of his neck, yet not being given to rushed conclusions I simply deposited this piece of information in my brain and decided to keep an eye out for corroborating evidence. I hadn’t long to wait for the following morning I was dandering through Omagh town centre mulling things over in my head when I noticed a sign for an alcohol free zone where it clearly warned it was an offence to consume beer on the street and yet I saw a man sitting on the pavement playing a stirring and emotional rendition of the Mountains of Pomeroy on a tin whistle with a lovely can beside him.”
As things began to fall into place, McGrinny unearthed further evidence:
“A wee bit later I found myself at the bus depot. I was intending to use the toilets but as often happens in Omagh there was a sign saying closed for cleaning. Then a young bearded man walked up, stared uncomprehendingly at the sign and started to bang on the toilet door. I could tell from his dress and demeanour that he was a local man and not a foreign national yet everything he shouted was unintelligible except for a few words that sounded like ‘Jesus Christ’.”
As ever, McGrinny weighed up the information, using his experience:
“To the civilian ear this might have sounded like English but to the trained ear, i.e. my ear, it wasn’t, for as a spy I know that some names don’t vary much from language to language. When I’m next in the Free State I’m determined to go to mass somewhere to test this theory.”
The more I research my theory the more truth I can see in it. Everywhere that I see an order written in English alone I see bearded Tyrone looking men disobeying it. Take your pick of people walking on the grass; dropping litter; letting their dogs foul on footpaths, not giving way in their cars etc etc.
As a result of my discovery I am publically calling on the council to get rid of its policy of English only signs.”
Mrs McGrinny weighed in:
“Some people may think my Sean just wants to see bilingual signs go up since he’s a republican” said Sean’s wife. “What utter dung! The other night we were going through a protestant part of Dungannon and saw men dropping cigarette butts where it clearly said no litter. These men were not Irish speakers but most likely speakers of Ulster Scots and as a typical non-sectarian Republican, Sean’s message to the government will be to face up to reality and erect trilingual signs all over Tyrone”.
Perhaps feeling flattered by his wife’s interruption Sean looked bashful and said “no comment”.
CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.
Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Uproar In Seskinore Over Reclassification Of Ballygawley As A Town
The Town
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
- Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
- Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
- Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
- Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
- Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
- Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
- To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.
Local Spy Investigates Police Speeding In The Omagh Area.
By Landan Seamy
Omagh man police-busting
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has contacted the papers to complain that several times in the last week he has noticed police cars doing way above the speed limit, even in built up areas.
“I’ve no idea what they’re up to but I’m sure it’s no good” Sean began.
“On Monday I was feeling totally scundered after the Kerry match so when one of their cars speeded past me I succumbed to an irrational urge to give chase only to find myself flagged down, pulled over, and questioned by the very same policemen that I was investigating.
Later that night I was explaining to my civilian friends in the pub that there’s absolutely no call for this reckless speeding when one of them suggested they could be heading to the scene of a crime in Armagh or Derry or somewhere like that.
I decided to subject this bizarre theory to a test and can now confirm categorically that there’s not a hate of truth in it for on Tuesday morning I made a hoax call reporting that a robbery was underway in Fintona.
I made the call when out walking on the Dublin Road in Omagh and guess what? I saw 2 police cars racing up the Dublin Road with their sirens blaring in the exact opposite direction to Fintona.
To add insult to injury a few hours later as I was sitting down to write up my notes on the episode two big hallions rapped on my door and started giving me jip about the phone call, insinuating that I was wasting police time.
My mind was still on Dublin and the class restaurants they have around Croke Park so I came up with a story that a cousin of mine in Fintona thought that a robbery was underway at the local Indian restaurant. I guessed that would get them off my back but didn’t they only phone their colleagues in Fintona and discovered I have no cousins there and nor is there an Indian restaurant”.
Sean’s wife says she’s baffled by the entire handlin and has suggested that if the constant police harassment doesn’t cease that her husband might look for a new career.
“Where will the people of Tyrone be then” she raged. “There’s no-one in Ireland who has done more research into aliens and ufos and stuff like that than my Sean. My message to the police is to grow up. But if you want Tyrone to be overrun by aliens then by all means continue what you’re doing”.
Pool Of Vomit Hits Back At Ryanair Complaints
The pool of vomit, which hit the headlines yesterday after an apology from Ryanair was made to a passenger who had to sit beside it from London to Dublin, has hit back claiming it was no fun for him either on the return flight having to endure a journey with an Omagh man.
The vomit has vowed to fly EasyJet in future and may even consider purchasing First Class tickets in order to avoid the nightmare journey he experienced.
“If you’ve ever sat beside a Tyrone man for more than an hour you’ll know what I’m talking about. At first it was the smell of diesel mixed with silage. Having overcome that ordeal, he then proceeded to order goods from the trolley that they obviously didn’t sell…black pudding, buttermilk, poitin, sausage roll baps……this went on for a good half hour before he just took a cup of tea and a Rich Tea from his coat.”
Ryanair have yet to comment on the latest complaints but the vomit is hoping for a refund of sorts.
“No one should have to go through what I did. There should be First Class, then normal boarders, then a Tyrone section at the back near the toilets. Maybe throw the Derry ones there too.”
Meanwhile, a Moy taxi man maintains the person who produced the vomit initially should have been made to sit in it as is his policy for any journeys over 5 miles.
Coalisland Serial Flasher Blames ‘Bad Pint’
bad pint
A Coalisland plumber, who has been reported for spontaneous flashing in the town over a dozen times since January 2014, has told Omagh Courthouse that a ‘bad pint’ in his local pub usually coincides with his lewd and illegal activities.
Hughie Corr (49), who hasn’t had a drink since his most recent flashing episode on the Main Street last Saturday, has vowed to change his drinking establishment in an attempt to address the recurrent problem. Corr told Judge McCabe
“I can usually tell after three or four sips that it’s a bad pint I’m drinking and that there’s a strong likelihood I’ll be at the flashing later on when I leave the place. I’ve told the bar man a few times now that he needs his pipes cleaned but I’d never want to push it as I’ve a sizeable tab running.”
Judge McCabe has ordered all 12 in the jury, as well as himself, to spend a day drinking in the problem pub to see if there are any legs in Corr’s story:
“I’m well aware that a bad pint can play havoc with a man’s emotions but flashing is on the verge of an unacceptable response to it. We’ll spend the day in the pub and hopefully this social experiment will find this man either guilty or innocent.”
Corr has a previously conviction for damage to a neighbour’s car after blaming a ‘bad steak’ he consumed earlier that day.
Omagh Driving Instructor Warned About Flatulence And Flirting.
Carr, in car.
A driving instructor of 13 years has been ordered to chew on anti-flatulence tablets after a fifth pupil passed out during a complicated parallel parking manoeuvre.
Mike Carr, who drives a 2009 Vauxhall Corsa, was also accused of ordering learners slow down when passing female pedestrians and making inappropriate hand gestures at people with Donegal tops on them.
Jenny McClaren (19) maintains she passed out for at least five minutes following a loud eruption from the instructor as he polished off a strong-smelling egg and onion sandwich:
“It hit me like a brick to the face. The car even vibrated before the waft touched my nostrils. The next thing I knew I was slumped over the wheel, retching, holding up a snake-line of traffic in the town. Only he’s £10 an hour I’d be well away from Smelly Mike.”
Carr has also been admonished for leering at passers-by during crucial 3-point manoeuvres. 23 year old John Quinn, who passed after 11 failed attempts under Carr’s tutelage, admitted to being seriously embarrassed by his teacher’s antics:
“We’d be executing a 3-pointer and he’d stop me and wind down the window and shout ‘gwan ye blade ye’, wolf whistle and then hide and I’d get the 2-fingers from the poor victim. It was some price to pay for a tenner an hour.”
A third learner, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us of a road-side brawl instigated by Carr in 2014. Kirk McCabe, from 12 Tattyreagh Rd, explained:
“We were cruising at 27 mph towards the end of a successful lesson when he grabbed the steering wheel and veered the motor onto the pavement and scattered a group of lads in Donegal tops. He got out and threw up his eyes, blaming me. Those lads pulled me out and gave me a hiding. He just got back in and said ‘that was some handlin‘ and asked me for a tenner.”
Carr is chewing NoMoreFarts.
Tyrone Business Women In Demand For Non-Crying Abilities
Killyman woman
After recent controversial comments by self-confessed chauvinist and Nobel laureate Tim Hunt who stated that “three things happen when they (women) are in the lab … You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticise them, they cry“, businesses across the world have panicked regardless and started hiring Tyrone women who still retain their reputation for not crying at all, even when watching The Lion King.
Apple, Orange and Sony vans have been spotted several times over the weekend driving about roads in Omagh, Strabane and Dungannon looking for women in suits to drive their businesses to the next level.
Maire McGrane, a 27-year-old biochemistry graduate from Castlecaulfield, revealed she had received 16 offers from as far as China and Wicklow by worried directors ever since Tim Hunt’s remarks:
“I haven’t cried since 2005 and even that was only because I was kicked in the gut by a bull I was castrating. You only have to go out in Dungannon any Saturday night and you’ll see piles of lads crying over football results or being ugly whilst the wemen kick the tripe out of those who are not. I don’t know what this bollocks Hunt is talking about.”
Chinese technological giant Yamahoohoo have made inquiries into whether or not an airport can be built in Coalisland to ferry women across to run their burgeoning corporation.
McGrane warned Chinese men that they’ll not be falling in love as easy as Hunt maintains:
“If I like ye, it’s because you can stick one over the black spot from 50 metres out on your left foot or you can dung out a yard in under an hour. None of that oul love shite.”
Invest Ireland are looking into ways to keeping Irish women in Ireland, with their poetic spokesman adding ‘if this place is run by men, then it’s economic lights out for the motherland of old Erin.”
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
Tyrone’s Victorious U21 Footballers Prepare For Harsh Reality Of Club Football
Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore
Several members of Tyrone triple All-Ireland winning teams from the mid 2000s have warned Feargal Logan’s U21 team to be prepared for increased digging and slapping sessions from opponents who cheered them on at the weekend, as they return to the Tyrone club scene.
A 2-time All-Ireland winner from that era, who wishes to remain anonymous, reckons fixtures down by the loughshore are to be feared as they ‘love to bring medallists down a peg or two‘ especially if they turn up to games wearing earphones or fancy boots.
“After the final whistle in 2005, three fellas from Ardboe carried me off the Croke Park turf on their shoulders, crying tears of joy. Two weeks later and the same three lads kicked the dung clean out of me when we played Ardboe in a meaningless league game. One of them even said ‘who do ye think ye are ye big-headed tramp‘ and I’m a quiet sort of lad.”
Logan is to send the victorious squad to a psychologist in Mayo for two days in order to prepare them for the verbals they’ll face from the average club player.
Carrickmore squad player Patsy Gormless admitted he can’t wait to get a chance to play against some of the new All-Ireland medallists:
“I remember playing against the Moy shortly after the 2003 All-Ireland final. I managed to deck all three of Cavanagh, Mellon and Jordan within five minutes of the throw in. Caught Jordan with a belter to the back of the head. He’s my favourite Tyrone player too and he made me so proud to be a Tyrone man that year. But he was probably thinking he was deadly so I cracked him.”
It was widely reported that after the 2008 All-Ireland win Ryan McMenamin purposely punched himself in a club game to knock the cockiness out of himself.
Referees have been told to be on their guard but were also warned that any decisions awarded to the new medallists will only antagonise opponents even more.
Meanwhile, an Ardboe defender admitted he purposely floored a county man playing for Omagh on Sunday for wearing his socks up too high.
Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either
Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe
A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.
Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.
On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:
“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”
Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.
Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.
“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”
Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.
Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.
Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun
Coalisland, Tuesday
Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.
Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.
Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:
“I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”
Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.
Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.
Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.
Shamed Omagh Man Admits To Opening Easter Egg On Good Friday At 3:01pm
One Omagh lad, today
A 41-year old Omagh teacher admitted to opening a Yorkie Easter Egg after his wife caught him stuffing something down the side of the sofa and suspiciously chewing slowly, with chocolate marks down the side of his face.
The RE teacher, who had given up chocolate at the start of Lent apart from a lapse on St Patrick’s Day when he devoured a 6-pack of Freddos during a parade, revealed he never felt so guilty and has vowed to go the whole of tomorrow without any food passing his lips as penance:
Decky Monteith explained:
“It was an honest mistake. I thought Lent ended at 3pm on Good Friday, after a three hour deliberation in silence from midday. It wasn’t until I heard the wife shouting ‘where’d that egg go?’ in the kitchen that the horrible truth dawned on me. And I ruined the rest of it by stuffing the remainder down the sofa. It’s just a horrible mess, literally and metaphorically.”
Meanwhile, 40 parents have already contacted Monteith’s school in Omagh complaining that their children also attempted to gorge on Easter eggs after 3pm after they were told by the teacher all week it was OK to do so.
Mary McCabe, a mother of 5, described the scene in her kitchen:
“I popped into the shower around three for the bingo tonight and came down to utter carnage. Every egg was opened and the children were running around hyper with chocolate all over the walls. That bollocks Monteith has some explaining to do, and him an RE teacher.”
The Vatican have reminded people that tomorrow is also part of Lent and that anyone caught indulging in nice stuff will be frowned upon from above.
Tyrone Refused To Recognise Solar Eclipse
No viewers in Drumquin
Despite total media saturation in the preceding weeks, reports confirmed that all of Tyrone refused to recognise the celestial phenomenon of the solar eclipse, with 100% of its inhabitants going about their daily business without looking up or even talking about it.
Journalists from BBC, Sky and UTV were said to be disappointed after being despatched to various vantage points in the county only to be chased for ‘meddlin in things that no good will come from’ and with ‘there’s no money in that dung’ ringing in their ears.
Despite worries earlier in the week of possible pagan stirrings, the county proved to be a eclipse-free zone with schools and businesses issuing sanctions against anyone wishing to view the astronomical freak show.
Gareth Kenny, a 9-year old primary school pupil from St Ronan’s in Omagh, was clear as to why his school didn’t participate in the excitement:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite”
Dungannon, whose hill is a prime spot for viewing skyward events, was populated at full eclipse by three women and three dogs, who of whom were mating. When questioned on the lack of recognition of the sun/moon dance, one of the women explained:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite.”
At 9:31 am the clouds parted to show a full view of the 94% eclipse, despite predictions of a clouded non-event. A Sky News 24 reporter in The Moy described how the whole event passed off without recognition:
“This glorious occasion, with lighting considerably dulled and birds retreating in silence as well as a noticeable drop in temperature, went unnoticed in the sleepy hamlet of Moy. I heard one man, who was spitting furiously into a drain, exclaim ‘it’s dark, boys’ before giving a passer-by the 2 fingers.”
Meanwhile, Owen Mulligan confirmed his ‘full moon’ backside baring competition in Mulligan’s Bar on the same day was a raging success.
GAA Wades Into Overcrowding Graveyard Dilemma
Sources close to Tyrone GAA headquarters in Omagh have revealed that the sporting organisation are to offer a radical and controversial suggestion to help ease the current panic over plot space for the deceased.
An emergency meeting this morning, convened after a startling headline in the Irish News this morning over limited graveyard space, resulted in a motion tabled that the GAA in the county employ willing and able recently-deceased Gaels as umpires and on some occasions as linesmen in order to fulfil the minimum requirement for fixtures especially with the imminent threat of strikes from match officials over match-day fees looming large. All umpires, alive or dead, must be between the ages 65 and 80 as the current rule stands.
Our source, who confirmed a doctor was also in attendance to explain the medical side of things, explained how the motion was passed with an overwhelming majority:
“The doctor was was very convincing. He knew his stuff. He says the rigor mortis was perfect for the stance of an umpire and that many supporters wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway. The county secretary added that only those who signed a legal contract before death allowing their bodies to be used for posthumous officiating would be considered, and only if they’d paid up the annual membership fee for their club right up until they expired.”
Our source went on to reveal how a committee member suggested the deceased volunteer could use their club colours, continuing their great club volunteer work beyond the grave. When questioned on how scores and wides would be signalled, he explained:
“Well, an electrician from Dromore said he could wire up lights to their coats so if it was a wide the ref would press a button and red lights would flash on the umpire’s coat, with orange lights for a point and green lights for a goal. It seemed pretty straightforward and goes a long way to call the bluff from the upcoming umpire strikers.”
The Church have yet to respond to the offer but reports suggest they’re open to any solution to solve the overcrowding issue. However, the county’s Goalkeeping Union have voiced concerns at how off-putting it might be for goalkeepers, especially for evening games with a sparse crowd in attendance, to have two dead umpires beside him.
A motion to use the expired volunteers as actual referees was narrowly rejected.
School GAA Match Abandoned After All Players Refuse To Cross Halfway In Full-On Double Duvet Tactics
Ridiculous attacking move from Cavanagh
Tactics in modern football were further under scrutiny today after an U14 school’s game between Dungannon and Omagh was blown up on 15 minutes after it became clear that neither side were allowed to cross the half way line by their respective coaches.
The abandonment of the game follows on from the news last week that many under-age managers were using leather straps and branches as threats if their players attacked without prior negotiations.
Describing the game as ‘farcical’ and ‘not blanket but double-duvet defence’, Irish News reporter Kenny Arrow detailed in his report how one player from the Omagh side paid for an innocent indiscretion:
“….On five minutes the Omagh no.14 accidentally stepped over the half way line after receiving a poor fisted pass from his captain. His manager let him know on no uncertain terms that he would be dropped from the panel if it happened again and not to be so cheeky in future. He was subbed immediately.”
Nine kicks were executed during the 15 minutes of play as both teams attempted to score points from their own 45m line, with the ball usually dropping somewhere around their opponent’s 45m line.
Arrow described how the game ended:
“Given their small stature and limited leg power, as well as both managers’ insistence that no one broke ranks, it became obvious to the ref that this was going to end 0-0 to 0-0 so he called for the ball. Both sets of players seemed happy enough to take the draw and a replay is pencilled in for Friday evening.”
An emergency meeting has been hastily arranged tonight at Garvaghey to discuss the standard of football in the county. Attack-minded thinkers have been told to stay away.
Coalisland Baker Refuses To Bake Clonoe Couple’s Wedding Cake
No cakes, please
A Coalisland baker is standing by his decision not to bake a cake for a Clonoe couple, who are due to tie the knot in May 2016, citing irreparable sporting differences.
Locally known as James the Baker, the 48 year old business man maintains he’s prepared to go to the European Courts to defend his decision not to bake a cake with the iconic Clonoe black and white colours on the icing as well as a figurine on top of Kevin McCabe scoring a point in the All-Ireland final in 1986.
The devastated Clonoe couple, Paul Corr and Mary Quinn, have contacted a local solicitor to take the case as far as it can go. Corr, who once held the national record for hedge jumping, added:
“He’s some boy. Everyone knows James the Baker is the best baker in the land but he has gone down in my estimation now. I know he’s baked cakes for Stewartstown, Kildress, Omagh and even Dungannon couples…but not for his close neighbours in Clonoe? He can take it as gospel that no Clonoe man nor woman will set foot in his damned shop again. See you in court, James, ye Fianna hoor.”
James Tennyson, whose buns have been known to make people cry with happiness such is their deliciousness, remains defiant:
“My da would turn in his grave if he thought I was donning my cakes with the cursed black and white (spits) of Clonoe. I defend my right to bake my cakes on my terms. Feck the O’Rahilly’s. Yeeooo.”
Local politicians have decided to stay well clear of the issue in the run up to the up-coming elections.
Tyrone Tribulations 