Category Archives: Dungannon
Skinnymalinks Weight Loss Club Sets Unusual Targets
A new weight loss programme set up outside Dungannon claims its targets are ‘realistic’ and not oppressive like other similar initiatives.
‘Skinnymalinks’, set up by former 33-stone layabout Tommy Weldon from the town, urges its members to work towards modest goals such as ‘walk to the Chinese instead of getting a delivery’ and ‘try not to eat cake every day’.
Weldon, who dropped to 25 stone after a year’s Skinnymalinks dieting, explained:
“These other slimming fads place too value much on science and ask things that are almost impossible of dieters such as eating fruit and vegetables. It’s a common sense thing to say that if you walk to the chip shop or Indian takeaway you’re probably burning up half the meal anyway in exercise. And if you walk really fast you can probably have prawn crackers too.”
Skinnymalinks also recommends other unusual weight loss ideas such as cutting a cake up really quickly to burn more calories with frantic wrist action as well as leaving one or two chips on the plate after a fish supper.
“We’re not into treat days or sins or what have you. Just keep doing what you’re doing but just do it slightly faster. The rewards mightn’t show on the scales all the time but it’s all do to with convincing yourself you’re healthy.”
Mr Weldon also advises new members to wear heavier clothes for the first weighing session, with no limit on layers.
“Some weeks we don’t weigh you at all and just take a generous guess by the look of you.”
Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics
Typical O’Neill from Coalisland
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
Woman Furious Over Facebook App Faults Whilst On Holiday
A Dungannon woman is suing Facebook after her holiday was ruined because its app was not working right in Portugal on her phone.
The White City mother, who spent 10 days in the Algarve, maintains she wasn’t able to upload photos for two whole days and more importantly was unable to comment on others’ posts for the whole vacation.
Cathy Mullan added:
“Listen, everyone knows Facebook is the new novel. Years ago you’d have seen holidayers reading books on their loungers. Now we all know snooping on Facebook has replaced that so don’t judge me, ok? I wasn’t able to give my comments on Turkey, Nice or the picture of a baby doing the Rocky moves. It was killing me. People must think I don’t care.”
Worse still, Mullan was unable to upload picture of her dinners, legs at the beach and children for TWO WHOLE DAYS due to a data issue on her phone’s service provider. The mother of two has promised to take Zuckerberg the whole way:
“Facebook are a joke. It ruined our holiday because my moods were all over the joint. I had a brilliant pic of my legs on a lounger but it wouldn’t upload. Then I’d a photo of young eldest one eating a mussel and the same result. How the hell am I meant to let people know how good a time I think I’m having? And I’d deadly things to say about Turkey too. Zuckerberg, you’re toast.”
Mullan admitted she was able to upload a picture on the last day of her husband playing crazy golf with a red head on him and a pair of long shorts but revealed it was ‘too little too late’.
New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
Dungannon Woman Mortified As Husband Sends Picture Of Backside As She Checks-In On Phone At Airport
Bad timing
A Dungannon woman was made to wait over 145 minutes after security was called during her check-in at Belfast International Airport due to a message she received at the moment of mobile-device scanning.
It transpired that Moira McFerron was checking in using her smartphone app when her husband, at home in Dungannon, decided to send her a picture of his backside in an attempt to keep her happy. The image of Denis McFerron’s posterior appears to have caused a serious malfunction in the airport’s multi-million pound high-tech computer system, resulting in a series of delayed flights as well as two cancellations.
Moira, who collects money for a range of charities, maintains she hadn’t a clue her husband could do something like that:
“Why the hell would I want to see that man’s arse? Sure I’d only left the house 3 hours earlier and was only going to be away for a lock of days in total for a hen trip. What he did has ruined the holiday. Especially when the police printed out the image, magnified. Denis has got the whole sexting things arse about face, in more ways than one.”
Aldergrove admitted they’d experienced a near-terminal computer malfunction after an attempted mobile phone flight ticket scan:
“Due to our customer privacy policy, we’re not at liberty to reveal what actually happened suffice to say it was a hair-raising experience.”
Denis, who was unavailable for comment today, received a smart phone as a 50th birthday present last week and had apparently been getting carried away about how quickly photos could be sent and had already been cautioned for sending his neighbour a photo of his wife showering ‘for an oul laugh’.
Dungannon Concert Goers Disappointed With Springsteen’s Dublin Set
No Wagon Wheels
Despite almost universal critical acclaim after his two concerts in Dublin at the weekend, Bruce Springsteen was said to be reeling after it emerged a group of Dungannon country and western fans were left unimpressed by the American singer, lamenting his decision not to even attempt Wagon Wheel and for ignoring their placards and pleas to sing ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’.
Springsteen (66), who played for over three hours during both concerts, wooed 150’000 fans with renditions of classics such as ‘Born in the USA’, ‘Born To Run’ and ‘Dancing in the Dark’ but it was the songs he left out which annoyed music fanatics in Dungannon.
Concepta Doris (49) fumed:
“We spent a fortune buying massive fake wagon wheel biscuits, stetsons and cowboy boots…and all for what? All he sang about were rivers and glory days and the USA. Not even a line from Wagon Wheel or Blanket on the Ground. People say he’s a great performer but you’re only as good as your ability to sing these classics and, in my opinion, Springsteen ducked it.”
Doris’ best friend Jackie Quinn went as far as asking for a refund:
“Even after two hours I still hoped he could stop with the crap and sing a few bonafide country and western tunes. But he copped out of it. I’ll be writing to Springsteen to ask for my money back. Even The Gambler would have done. But he kept harping on about the promised land and factories and sticking it to the man. Rock Me Mama was never happening.”
The 8-strong Dungannon posse staged a mass walk out at 10pm after which Springsteen sarcastically broke into a couple of bars of Margo’s ‘Dust on Mother’s Bible’.
Derry Workmates Hard To Find All Day Across Tyrone
Derry man, phoning in sick
Businesses and institutions across Tyrone reported high levels of sickness today as well as low levels of production after over 298 workers from Derry failed to show up for work.
In addition, several teachers from Dungiven, Ballinascreen and Swatragh locked themselves in school classrooms and toilets in schools in Omagh and Dungannon, with many other Oak Leaf educators handing out detentions to Tyrone students for soft offences including ‘looking at the teacher’ and ‘smirking’.
Although impossible to prove its legitimacy, business owners believe the unusual levels of absenteeism may be related to a soaking many supporters received at a match in Celtic Park in Derry yesterday where Tyrone edged past Derry in a close affair for the first 15 minutes.
The CEO of engineering company Sowerpreen, Plunky Donaghy from Dungannon, remarked:
“We had 13 phoning in sick today, from Ballinderry, Slaughtneil, Garvagh and Moneymore. All of them said they had the flu after getting a right drenching in Celtic Park yesterday. It was quite a coincidence. The six who did make it in were hard to find today, one of whom locked himself in the crane. I honestly don’t know what is up with them.”
Omagh Principal Mr Harry McClune also added:
“The Derry teachers were in wile bad form today. There must have been heavy traffic or something today over the Sperrins. Mr Barton from Lavey dished out 52 detentions, including two each to every member of the MacRory GAA team. Poor Tommy O’Neill, a brother of Tyrone player Ronan O’Neill, got a detention for smiling out the window. We’ll probably appeal that one.”
The Tyrone Employment Agency have urged Derry ones to return to work tomorrow and if they have problems walking in through the main entrance they can use the back door.
Meanwhile, Club Tyrone are looking into an old GAA rule from 1888 which states that if you defeat a neighbouring county five times in the one year, you get to reclaim 600 acres from the losing county around their natural border. Ballinderry residents are currently ‘expecting the worst’.
Fear Of East Tyrone Influx Sees Omagh Schools Trial Accent Tests
Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
St Patrick To Be Re-Branded To Attract All Communities
Early sketch for St Patrick rebrand
Following Arlene Foster’s comments that St Patrick’s Day was ‘too gaelicised’for unionist and loyalist communities, it is believed that Stormont have speedily passed a motion to re-brand St Patrick in time for 2017.
Early signs indicate that a bowler hat and a white horse may be added to murals depicting the Englishman who was kidnapped by Irish pirates and hated snakes. Omagh-born designer, Kieran McKinstry, revealed he has already submitted three sketches after being commissioned by the NI Assembly.
“Foster and McGuinness just said to ‘Prod him up a wee bit’. Foster wanted him sitting on a Lambeg drum but McGuinness felt that wasn’t very realistic so I decided on the horse and the hat. He already wore a hat anyway so it’s wasn’t too much of a stretch to visualise it.”
If successful, government officials will investigate the possibility of merging St Patrick’s Day and the 12th of July, maybe having it around the 14th of May and calling in Paddy Orangeman Day. Gertie Mullan of Dungannon was suspicious:
“Paddy Orangeman Day is a con. Everyone knows that if this happened the whole island will be stocious drunk that day, both sides of the divide, and then Stormont will pull a fast one and bring in water charges or internment or something with no one sober enough to argue or rally against it. They’re a pile of crooks.”
Meanwhile, recent papers found in a well in Downpatrick indicate that St Patrick hated the shepherding and was often caught lying down on the job eating fish and drinking rainwater behind trees.
Tyrone Sportsman Casts Doubt On Sharapova’s Drugs Test
Drunk Tennis
An experienced Tyrone sportsman, who once ran, swam and cycled 12 miles in one day, maintains a mistake has been made with the Maria Sharapova drugs case. The Russian tennis superstar, 28, tested positive for meldonium, a substance she has been taking since 2006 for health issues.
Tony Cassidy (44) from Donaghmore maintains it’s simply impossible to take drugs and play tennis at any level, never mind competing in majors:
“This just doesn’t add up to me. I tried playing tennis in Portrush after about 9 pints and I missed nearly every ball that came over my side of the net. Any that I did hit went off the rim and straight back into my face. The game was abandoned when I got tangled in the net and had to be cut out by the fire brigade. So how the hell can this girl play world class tennis taking drugs?”
Cassidy, after a lot of technical analysis, believes it’s a ruse to cover up Sharapova’s lack of major titles:
“It’s a farce I think. Sharapova is probably worried she won’t be raking in the sponsorship because of her dearth of big wins so her team have concocted a story that she’s drugged to the eyeballs so wasn’t really fit to play these matches. If I played one of the Williams girls whacked to the eyeballs on dope or something I’d be bate 6-0 6-0 or maybe 6-0 6-1 if it started to wear off towards the end. Sharapova was winning the odd set so I’m not buying it.”
Cassidy wanted to remind sports people that drinking or taking drugs before playing games is not advisable unless you were an interested spectator watching a Cavan or Donegal game.
*Cassidy has since been arrested for swimming in Dungannon Leisure Centre whilst drinking margaritas.
PSNI Cutbacks See Cops Use Real Hairdryers And Guessing
New PSNI recruits
PSNI officials have confirmed that recent budget-tightening constraints have resulted in many officers using ghd Deluxe hairdryers and just guessing how fast cars have been going by counting in their heads how long it took for each motor to get from tree to tree or sometimes a lamp post to a fence.
Chief Inspector Kingsley Warrington admitted they haven’t always managed to get speeding estimates spot-on:
“A woman of 85 was done for doing 105mph in a 1988 Mini near Dungannon and I was immediately suspicious. It emerged that the Officer in question, when counting, sneezed twice and didn’t take that into consideration, marking the pensioner down for completing a quarter of a mile in 4 seconds. We’re looking to tightening this up a bit.”
This police force have come under further criticism when a male member of the Service was seen drying his hair with their new make-shift speed camera after a torrential downpour. Also, many tax payers maintain cheaper hairdryers could easily be purchased from Argos or Tesco. CI Warrington responded:
“I don’t think we’d be taken seriously if we were seen brandishing a Lidl hairdryer. The ghd brand are respected across the planet and if someone is done for speeding, they’re more likely to accept the charge when they see the new ghd aura® hairdryer for speedy ultimate root-lifting volume & super smooth shine. With two breakthrough innovations in technology, ghd aura offers a truly new drying and styling experience that delivers the ultimate in luxurious volume and a smooth, shiny finish. And 6 penalty points.”
PSNI officials have denied they’re to commence a new cost-cutting breathalyser initiative which sees officers sniffing the breath of suspect drink drivers and guessing how many pints they’ve had and then getting them to sing ‘I Will Survive’ into a karaoke machine.
15’000 Dungannon Residents Claim For Whiplash After Mini Drives Over Pot-hole
Dungannon
A local solicitor confirmed he remains confident his 15’000 clients will be successful after they all claimed for minor whiplash when a 3-door Mini Cooper drove over a pot-hole outside the town last November, causing a tyre to burst.
Despite the case appearing ridiculous from the outside, insurance guru Martin Toland is adamant that it’ll take a brave judge to deny an average pay-out of £2500 per person, totalling a £37.5m claim.
“I know people will be saying this is another example of people leeching money from fraudulent claims but there are no CCTVs in the area and no one can prove that all 15’000 people weren’t in the motor on the 30th November 2015. It’s simple maths. I don’t want to say much more than that.”
However, insurance company Delilah issued a stark warning to Toland and his many clients:
“15’000 people in a clapped out 3-door mini with the back seats ripped out? And by the way, 611 of the claims are from people dead long before the accident. One died in 1971. Over 200 claims are from babies, 19 priests, the entire teaching staff of a local secondary school as well as some relatives living in Australia. They’ll not be successful, mark my words.”
The latest claim follows on from a successful case which saw 120 people receive £900 each after claiming for food poisoning when a half-eaten sausage was found lying on the ground outside the Dungannon chip shop, Ye Oul Cod Ye.
All 120 claimants maintain they took a bite out of the sausage, thinking it was a tasting experiment run by the shop owners.
Dungannon Man Barred From Hagan’s For Not Knowing Who’d Died This Week
Essential reading
By Staff Reporter Darby Gill
Scenes of utter chaos and confusion erupted last Friday night after Seamus “Bullnuts” O’Neill admitted to his close friends that he didn’t know anyone who had died this week in the Dungannon area.
Bullnuts, who was squinting under the discos lights in the front bar of Hagan’s when he made the revelation, has vowed to read the Irish News obituary notices more rigorously in future in order to avoid further embarrassment.
A local of the town for nearly 40 years, his friends were reportedly distraught and disgusted that he had let himself go so badly and was also unable to produce any knowledge of anyone lifted by the PSNI since Easter.
The disgust and torrent of accusations at the time were so raucous that “Rock Me Mama” was turned down and an Irish News was produced to see if O’Neill knew any dead locals at all and how they died.
A kangaroo court was quickly constructed but unfortunately Buller couldn’t identify one name in it, blaming bad lighting and the drink. The final straw was when Seamus confessed that he didn’t even know one person who had a terminal illness and likely to die in the next 5 weeks.
An ex-friend admitted:
“He couldn’t even say who was being waited on. I’ve never seen someone so out of touch with local bereavements and illnesses. This is the backbone of our community. If we didn’t talk about who’d died or was ill, it’d just be football and maybe the weather.”
The bouncers quickly grabbed him and ousted him from the bar before an atmosphere of positivity developed.
He was last seen loitering outside south Tyrone hospital looking into car windows as people arrived.
Evidence Of Resurgence Of Irish Language In Tyrone
By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny maintains he has discovered a resurgence of the Irish language in Tyrone, after a series of damning incidents.
“I wasn’t originally researching this” admitted Sean. “I had been out investigating something else and was annoyed when I drove to my sister’s house in Omagh for a break only to find that my parking spot was taken even though she’s put up a sign for me saying “strictly no parking at any time”.
McGrinny continued:
“I’d waited angrily for 5 minutes pondering what to do when I noticed the culprit sneaking back to his car so I leapt out and challenged him as to why he had parked there. His angry reply showed a poor command of English. He kept calling me a horse and asking was I off my face. When I shook him and asked if he couldn’t speak proper English I distinctly heard the words “Pog mo Thon” which I remember from school means ‘kiss my ass’ in Irish.”
Undeterred, he pondered:
“It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps he’d ignored the sign as his main language was Irish so I let go off the scruff of his neck, yet not being given to rushed conclusions I simply deposited this piece of information in my brain and decided to keep an eye out for corroborating evidence. I hadn’t long to wait for the following morning I was dandering through Omagh town centre mulling things over in my head when I noticed a sign for an alcohol free zone where it clearly warned it was an offence to consume beer on the street and yet I saw a man sitting on the pavement playing a stirring and emotional rendition of the Mountains of Pomeroy on a tin whistle with a lovely can beside him.”
As things began to fall into place, McGrinny unearthed further evidence:
“A wee bit later I found myself at the bus depot. I was intending to use the toilets but as often happens in Omagh there was a sign saying closed for cleaning. Then a young bearded man walked up, stared uncomprehendingly at the sign and started to bang on the toilet door. I could tell from his dress and demeanour that he was a local man and not a foreign national yet everything he shouted was unintelligible except for a few words that sounded like ‘Jesus Christ’.”
As ever, McGrinny weighed up the information, using his experience:
“To the civilian ear this might have sounded like English but to the trained ear, i.e. my ear, it wasn’t, for as a spy I know that some names don’t vary much from language to language. When I’m next in the Free State I’m determined to go to mass somewhere to test this theory.”
The more I research my theory the more truth I can see in it. Everywhere that I see an order written in English alone I see bearded Tyrone looking men disobeying it. Take your pick of people walking on the grass; dropping litter; letting their dogs foul on footpaths, not giving way in their cars etc etc.
As a result of my discovery I am publically calling on the council to get rid of its policy of English only signs.”
Mrs McGrinny weighed in:
“Some people may think my Sean just wants to see bilingual signs go up since he’s a republican” said Sean’s wife. “What utter dung! The other night we were going through a protestant part of Dungannon and saw men dropping cigarette butts where it clearly said no litter. These men were not Irish speakers but most likely speakers of Ulster Scots and as a typical non-sectarian Republican, Sean’s message to the government will be to face up to reality and erect trilingual signs all over Tyrone”.
Perhaps feeling flattered by his wife’s interruption Sean looked bashful and said “no comment”.
Porn Movie Screened For 2 Hours At A&E After Porter Brought In Wrong Memory Stick
Hundreds descend on Dungannon a&e
Officials at the temporary Dungannon Accident and Emergency Unit at the old South Tyrone Hospital have suspended their chief porter after a two-hour porn movie was accidentally shown on their 50-inch widescreen waiting-room TV instead of the usual adverts provided by the National Health Service.
Attempts to turn the channel over proved fruitless as the unit was too high up the wall and the porter in charge was up the town buying batteries for the TV’s remote control. Eventually a patient blanket was thrown over the TV but the loud volume remained, leaving patients in no uncertain terms about what was happening behind the blanket:
Henry McLoughlin, from Derrylaughan, who was in the waiting room after falling off a link box, explained:
“It was embarrassing so it was. These men and women were going at each other buck mad on the TV and everyone was staring at it. There was no where else to look but the television. And it kept going on for hours too. I managed to throw a blanket over the unit but you should still hear the gulders and roars of the man and sometimes the woman.”
After word got out of the x-rated free show, hundreds of men flooded the waiting room with suspect aches and pains from all over the country, with many arriving with beers and popcorn. Several women also arrived complaining of ‘hot flushes’.
Fr Paul Devine, who was waiting on being attended after dropping a chalice on his foot, was glad when the porter returned:
“Two hours of it we had to listen to. Worst of all I think I recognised a couple of the actors in it from confessions. And there was definitely an Omagh accent when the man shouted ‘gwan ye blade ye‘ but the blanket was over it at the time. I considered a decade of the rosary during it but no one else appeared interested. In fact, some of the female patients were yahooing and cheering.”
The porter apologised profusely for the embarrassment and promised to bring in the correct memory stick in future if he gets his job back.
Dungannon Man Admits To Not Being On The DLA. ‘Must Be Something Wrong With Him’
Winner of Dungannon Sports Day 100m sprint in 14.55 seconds
A Dungannon man from the White City area finally ended year-long rumours by admitting he’s not receiving Disability Living Allowance.
Eamonn McNally, who has always refused to limp and regularly makes his own dinner, became the second man from Dungannon to admit not being on the DLA after Birdy McGuinness revealed he was not receiving any benefit in 2001. McGuinness was forced to leave the town after several hammerings outside The Fort in 2002 by bouncers on crutches. As of October 2015, no woman over 18 from the town has failed to received DLA since the allowance scheme commenced in 1992, with over 78% of Dungannon’s population currently limping.
A neighbour and former friend of McNallys, Josh McCann, revealed he’s seething at the news:
“McNally thinks he’s all smart cos he got a GCSE in Learning For Life and Work (LLW) and won’t get the DLA. There must be something wrong with his head. I’m on the middle band as I need someone to ‘help me with my bodily functions‘. I don’t understand why he doesn’t even go for the bottom band by saying he hasn’t a clue how to make his dinner. After this news gets out, he’ll be on the DLA legit in a couple of days, don’t worry. And it’ll be the top band. His bodily functions will be banjaxed….”
before walking off winking, clenching his fists and making threateningly loud laughing noises.
The defection comes after the controversial Dungannon Sports Day when 14 of the 16 races were won by locals on the highest level of DLA for mobility problems, including Portuguese native Cristiano Hurson who won the 100m on crutches.
CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.
Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Dungannon Piggery On High Alert After Several MLAs Spotted Loitering Nearby
UUP MLA caught in the act
Following the news of David Cameron’s alleged affection for pigs and other porcine related animals, Dungannon Piggery have hired extra security after members of the UUP, Sinn Fein, SDLP, DUP and even the Green Party were spotting loitering suspiciously outside the wire fences which keep the pigs safe from harm.
Piggery owner and animal-lover Caoimhin Bacon revealed he was not overly surprised at the allegations against the UK’s Prime Minister:
“I’ve known for years that men in a governmental position develop an affinity with all manner of pork, from wild boars to the common domestic pig. I even remember an Alliance politician who was mad into the warthogs. I don’t understand it myself but I suppose it takes all kinds.”
Bacon (55) maintains that the allegations against the English PM will encourage some current MLAs to become slightly bolder in their pursuit of their porky pleasures:
“Even this morning I spotted a Sinn Fein MLA working in cahoots with a high profile DUP politician trying to lure a crowd of sows over by throwing a pile of truffles at them. The Asian Pot-Bellied pig seems to be a big favourite of the SDLP lads so we’ll be keeping a close eye on that one too.”
The Dungannon Piggery Ltd have installed electric fencing around their premises since this morning’s revelations and have hired over 200 security men who previously worked at the old defunct Tyrone Brick factory. One of the heavies, Padraig McDonald, admitted that this was much harder work than his previous employment:
“At Tyrone Brick all we had to do was keep an eye out for young teenagers looking to steal bricks to throw at the Brits and to make sure they didn’t lift too many. This work is much harder. I even caught one MLA from Carrickmore this morning in a field, dressed up as a tree and moving inch by inch towards our premises. Sleeked enough characters.”
Dungannon Piggery is closed to the public until further notice.
Dungannon Family Determined To Enjoy Last Rainy Days Of Summer Holidays In Bundoran
Fundoran
Despite record-breaking torrential downpours and fork lightning, the McClure family from the White City in Dungannon maintained they are having ‘a deadly time’ searching for crabs and playing I-Spy in the caravan before the children head back to school next week.
With the disastrous weather during Summer 2015 making it a miserable break for families, hundreds of Tyronians have descended on Downings and Bundoran in a last ditch attempt to give their children something to write about when they get back to English class in school.
Harold McClure (45) revealed he built his best castle ever on Bundoran beach last night with a real-life 30-feet wide moat all around his 5-towered castle which took him 3 hours whilst the children watched in a huddle or kept an eye out for crabs:
“It’s just a pity there was no one else to see it bar the children. The ditch was lethal. It was 7-feet deep full of rainwater, and a real death trap so I got the children to buy and carry a new door from B&Q to act as a bridge. The rain isn’t too bad when you get used to it. Spotting crabs is great fun too. I think we pointed to over 100 crabs though some of them might have been the same ones.”
A caravan site barbecue went ahead anyway despite over 47 inches of rain falling during the feast, with three children hospitalised with acute hypothermia.
Event organiser JJ Doherty admitted the hospitalisation was ‘unfortunate’ but families should ‘feck away off to Malaga or something if they don’t want to run the risk of death whilst chewing on a hotdog during an Irish summer’s day.’
Raheem Sterling Still Keen On Dungannon Swifts Move Says Agent
Artist’s impression of how Raheem might look v Loughgall in a friendly
Want-away Liverpool winger Raheem Sterling is said to be veering towards a move to Dungannon Swifts after it emerged that the Northern Ireland Fly Fishing Association are to run trials at the Dungannon Park lake this month.
An avid fly-fisher, Sterling is reportedly seething after he was overlooked for the England fly-fishing team for the international championships later in the summer. Insiders claim he points the finger firmly at his manager Brendan Rodgers who refused to allow him to leave training early the day of the English trials.
Sterling, who has played 16 times for the England soccer team, is also said to be impressed at the new statue erection in Pomeroy ‘The Lady and the Lark‘ and sees this as a chance to settle down and have children who’ll be immersed in such local culture.
Close friend Joshua Bolt added:
“There are just so many signs now pointing towards the Swifts. The new statue in Pomeroy, the fly fishing trials, the copious parking space in the town, the vibrant anti-social element, Woolworths, the close proximity to the culturally diverse Moygashel. If there is a God, he wants Raheem at Stangmore Park, running up and down that wing against the likes of Ballinamallard. The stuff of dreams really.”
Dungannon Swifts PR trainee Jack Alad admitted the club were not sure whether to give Sterling the green light or not:
“I think this Raheem boy is reading all the great stuff about Dungannon but he needs maybe to stay a night or two over here. We’ve had them dodgy door-to-door pillow sellers recently and then the boxing session outside the Fort last week. It’s not paradise completely and maybe the Raheem boy is listening to the wrong advisers.”
Meanwhile, Sterling’s agent has tabled a motion to re-name Dungannon if he does sign for the Swifts, due to the word ‘dung’ being at the start of the name and the stick he’ll get from his England team-mates. The transfer fee is reportedly around the £50m mark and a free feed in Viscounts.
Tyrone Tribulations 