Category Archives: GAA
Riots In Greencastle As Local Author Denounces Fairies
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Rioters ran amok in Greencastle last night following the publication of a controversial book challenging the existence of fairies.
Gerard Fox from Coalisland published ‘The Fairy Delusion’ last week to critical acclaim in the literary capital of Omagh, but closer to home locals have been less than welcoming.
Local Greencastle man Hugh McElvogue was particularly scathing about the book.
“Shhh. Keep the voice down”, he whispered furiously. “Them ones at the bottom of the garden might be listening”. He went on, “Once we got someone in the parish to explain all the big words in the book a lot of people went off the bap. This is blasphemous. He can’t go saying fairies don’t exist when the bible says they do. It does, doesn’t it? Or am I getting mixed up with elves?”
The book goes on to make further allegations regarding the existence or otherwise of other creatures. The author asserts that sprites don’t exist although mermaids do, gnomes don’t, unicorns do, ogres do, trolls don’t, and remains uncertain about midgets.
“It’s not been easy the past few days”, admitted Fox. “All people are doing is focusing on the fairies bit of the book. Like, I definitely don’t believe in fairies although to be honest I can’t really explain how the tooth fairy works. That’s a hard one. That’s why I’ve argued in the book about not cutting down fairy trees, but maybe just giving them a wee trim and then running away, or maybe blaming the neighbours. You can’t be too careful”.
The author was keen to discuss other material in the book.
Figment of the imagination?
“Them ones in Greencastle need to wise up. They’re even going on about the comment that Hugo Duncan is a myth and everyone’s known that for years. Even the ones in Clogher. Same goes for Daniel O’Donnell. He was invented by parents as a threat to children that they’d put his music on if they didn’t get to bed”.
Violence in Greencastle escalated after someone misquoted the book as saying that Santa was an ‘evil old arsehole’ and should be renounced by everyone, especially children. It transpired that the book was actually making a reference to Satan.
Councillor Denies That Florida Visit To Consider Importing Bog Is A ‘Jolly’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Eyebrows were raised yesterday in the county over leaked plans for one of its councillors to visit Florida as part of a fact find on behalf of East Tyrone District Council.
Copy travel documents showed that recently-elected mid-Ulster Councillor Seamie ‘Red Boy’ McCloy, intends to spend three weeks in Florida next month at a cost of £8,500 at the taxpayer’s expense, conducting a feasibility study on importing bog and peat back to Tyrone rather than producing it locally.
Challenged on the abundance of it which already sits in the county, McCloy retorted,
“Jaysus. That’s the whole point of the visit, isn’t it? How do we know whether it’s feasible without going to see it? We need a bird’s eye view of the area to assess potential for excavation. And if the best way of doing that is from the top of a 300-foot high mega-rollercoaster, then that’s just pure coincidence. Getting bog from America might actually be cheaper than producing it locally. Or something like that”.
The colourful councillor has continually courted controversy since making the headlines in 2012 when he was found in the ladies’ cloakroom of the Council offices wearing an odd number of socks. He has since been embroiled in an embarrassing incident at a farm near Windmill which he claimed was simply him ‘being overly-friendly with a labrador’.
McCloy, aghast at accusations
“It’s all nonsense”, said an angry McCloy, thumping his desk so hard that several bottles of suntan lotion fell off. “And anyway, the judge ruled not proven, so go and feck. I’ve dedicated my life to Tyrone, trying to raise it up to the standards of the nice Ulster counties like Derry, Sligo, Monaghan and suchlike. That’s why I need to go to Florida for three weeks. Or four depending on the complexities. And the weather”.
Questioned about whether the Galbally man was going on the trip to get away from the controversy around some of the decisions he has made since moving into office, McCloy was uncompromising. Wearing an enormous foam hand and jabbing the big sticky-out finger to make his point, he said,
“Listen. Do you think sat in a jumbo for 8 hours is going to be fun? The only movie they’re showing is ‘Les Miserables’, and I can’t stand the Germans. I’ve made mistakes in the past. I’ll admit it. But all I’m trying to do is modernise the county. And if ‘Naked Tuesday’ is a wee bit too much for some of thon puritans in the East Tyrone Council offices, then they should wise up. The Florida trip is pure business, nothing else. I’m certainly not looking forward to it. I’ve got a mountain of work to do. And I’ve only got three sleeps to go before I leave”.
The councillor also faced criticism earlier this year for going to New York City on 17 March to explore the possibility of the importation of Guinness to the county.
Coalisland Man In Australia Insists It’s Much Better Than Here
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
‘Island man, fitting in with the locals
A 19 year old man from Coalisland currently in Australia on a 3-month visa vowed yesterday not to return to the county, after having confirmed he’s having the time of his life.
“It’s mighty”, said 19 year old Connor McGonagle from Barrack Street in the Island, who travelled to Australia in June on a 3-month working holiday. “I only got here three weeks ago on a work permit and I’ve been having the time of my life. I got a job picking up stones out of a field and although it’s hard work, the craic’s mighty. I’m here with four other boys from Coalisland and we’re all doing it”.
McGonagle is staying in the small town of Katoomba, population approximately 5,000.
“It’s class”, said the enthusiastic traveller. “It’s less than two hours from the coast and they’ve got these big long beaches. There’s nothing I miss about Tyrone to be honest. The beer in Australia isn’t great and I miss the Irish stuff like Harp and Foster’s, but we’ve been getting hammered every Friday night down at the Irish bar. Amazin’ hi. This sort of experience is something I could only dream of back home. And the Australian Rules football is class. Completely different in every way from the Gaelic. And even better, Bruce Springsteen’s playing here at the weekend! It’ll be like a 3-hour drive to get there like, but imagine. The Boss! Them ‘uns back home will be as jealous as anything”.
McGonagle has spent his leisure time making the most of the different culture.
“We’ve been doing some quad-biking across these fields which is deadly and we’ve gone diffin’ in some lads’ cars that we met. Mighty. Tyrone’s got nothing like it. I’m starting work next week in this amazing chicken factory. You wouldn’t believe the size of it. And the weather’s deadly. This last month the weather’s been really warm. All thon ones back on the Island don’t know what they’re missing. It’s life-changing”.
Crucial Talks Between Springsteen And Harte Remain Deadlocked
In an unprecedented move, US ambassador for Ireland Hank Power has arrived in Clones to broker a peace deal between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Harte who have been at loggerheads for 24 hours over the timing of Saturday’s concert and Tyrone/Kildare game. Delegations for both parties arrived in Clones on Tuesday morning to thrash out a deal that hoped to see Springsteen delay the start of his concert til about 11pm to cater for the returning Tyrone fans from Newbridge.
After three hours of stalemate, Harte and Springsteen arrived to slug it out head to head with both in bad twist about being woken up. It is understood that Harte promised to win or lose the game in normal time so that there’d be no extra time and all fans and players would be at the King’s Hall by 11 if he delayed it to then. An eye witness told us that Springsteen lost the head:
“Bruce lost the bap completely like. The veins were showing in his neck and he was saying things like ‘You think you’re the boss. I’m the boss goddamit’. Harte was giving it out well. He was shouting ‘Born In The USA? I was born in Glencull and don’t you forget it.’ I thought the boxing was about to start.”
Springsteen attempted a compromise by suggesting he put a big screen up showing the game so that Tyrone supporters could enjoy both at the same time. He said he’d even sing Old Ardboe or the Hills Above Drumquin. Harte rejected the offer, stating that it would affect the players knowing their family and friends were at the concert. Things turned nasty with Springsteen saying the “Glory Days” were well and truly over for Tyrone and that Mugsy should be in the squad. Harte told Bruce he could ‘sing none’ and that in terms of another All-Ireland he was still very much a ‘hungry Harte’.
Talks continue.
Moy Man Spotted Clapping And Smiling At Armagh Game. Public Punishment Considered.
The man, masked.
Photographic and video footage has finally confirmed rumours that a high profile Moy man, locally named as ‘Mac’, was seen openly smiling and even clapping as Armagh struck eight goals past Leitrim last weekend. The man’s best friend has moved quickly to defend the once-popular clubman by explaining to journalists gathered outside Tomney’s that he was only putting it on to impress a woman from Armagh he’d been chasing for a while. Locals, however, are refusing to accept this theory. Tom Donaghy (67) said:
“Listen, if God himself said he was an Armagh man I still wouldn’t be smiling and clapping when they scored. I’d rather be savaged by a pack of ravenous hounds. I’ve had my suspicions about this fellow for years now. He has a history of straddling the Blackwater. This man needs to be tied to a tree in the middle of the village with a sign hanging around his neck saying “Up Armagh”. Unfortunately he might like that though.”
The man’s family are refusing to comment though an unnamed cousin claimed he’s not surprised:
“Ah he’s an old romantic. One time he was going with a French girl and he started wearing stripy jumpers and berets. It didn’t make him any less a Tyrone man. Smiling at an Armagh goal might be hard for some to swallow but there’s worse things out there. However, if he did clap I cannot defend him. I would disown the fella too. A flogging might be justified here. See if he goes to Galway this weekend….”
The Moy GAA committee have called an extraordinary meeting to decide on how they will deal with the whole debacle. Video footage is being closely studied with lip-readers expected to confirm whether he said “deadly stuff” after the 6th goal. ‘Mac’ is expected to claim an unreasonable hatred of Leitrim in his defence.
Dromore Speed-Dating Night Sees 0% Success
The much anticipated Dromore speed-dating night has thrown up no relationships despite the presence of 30 men and 30 women desperate for a partner. The organisers, Get The Singles Off The Streets, say they were extremely disappointed at the results and predict another slow decade of marriages in the village.
“I can’t believe no one liked anyone. In fact, our online results show that 80% of those who took part now hated each other more than ever. This is bleak news. Having observed some of the questioning techniques I think we need to do a crash course in chat-up lines. It was obvious that some of the fellas, especially those in the 45-54 category, were well out of practice. I overheard one man tell a prospective partner that he loved travelling. When asked where he has travelled, he told her that he took a scoot out to Bundoran last weekend. I could see the pretty lady shake her head despondingly.”
36 year old Rylan McMenamin, a self-employed trampolinist, reckons it’s the last time he’ll attend one of those nights:
“It was pure dung like. I asked this girl if she liked making stuff and she said she liked making scones and soda bread on a hearth. I was thinking this is the girl for me but to be sure I asked if she cleaned up after herself when the food was ate. She just got up and walked off. These women don’t know what men want.”
Cathy Dornan, a 26-year old needle-maker, was equally unimpressed:
“Dromore men are like no other. There was one lad who was the best of a bad bunch and I was prepared to give it a go. As a final question I asked him if he liked kissing and stuff. He laughed and said ‘sure that’s teenage stuff – I’m more into ripping the knickers clane off me wemen’ and then flashed the worst set of teeth I’ve ever seen. I nearly fainted.”
The Dromore Speed-Dating Night 2 has been cancelled.
Tyrone Women Issue County-Wide Appeal To The Men During Hot Weather
Even shorter than these
From Ardboe to Aghyaran, women of all ages have taken to the loanans and ramparts to call for all Tyrone men to desist from wearing 1980s GAA shorts during the current hot spell.
The lack of sunshine in previous years has offered a short respite from the unpleasant images of middle-aged men prancing around their gardens and local shops wearing no shirts and an ill-fitting pair of shorts they once wore during their heyday 25 years ago. Cookstown fashion guru Kelly McGleenan explains:
“Even thinking about it now makes me want to boke. I remember refusing to go down to the Centra in 2008 during the last bit of sun after seeing this boy from Derrytresk with a bit of a beer belly sitting on a crate outside wearing nothing but his chest full of bits of straw and his 1986 league winners’ shorts with legs akimbo. The things I saw there will live with me forever. How his poor wife puts up with that I don’t know. I recalled a line from “Never Been To Me” by Charlene which says ‘and seen some things that a woman ain’t sposed to see’. I now now what she was on about. Hill men in their 80s shorts.”
The PSNI have refused to prosecute men in those shorts but warned households that anyone cutting hedges or just standing about on the road should consider Bermuda shorts or even just looser fitting football shorts like the boys on the TV wear. McGleenan says this doesn’t go far enough:
“They’re fudging the issue. Typical men making rules for men. An hour ago I saw Fr Morgan from Greencastle out pruning his Cherry Blossoms and caught a glimpse of his 1984 Greencastle Feile shorts. That’s just wrong on so many levels.”
The Derrytresk chairman’s plea for all 1986 short holders to return their pairs has been met with violent scenes of moss burning.
Galbally Rumour That 65-Year Old Starts Tomorrow For Tyrone Is “Pure Balls” Say Officials
Danny, this morning
Tyrone officials have scotched rumours that a Galbally 65-year old is to be a surprise inclusion in tomorrow’s team v Donegal, going as far as to say it was “pure balls”. The story that had been doing the rounds in Galbally and Kildress since the start of the week is that Danny Murphy had been called up to the panel because of his ‘long-kicking’ and ‘high-catching’ as well as being ‘crafty’. Murphy himself appears to have done little to rubbish the rumours by raising his eyebrows and saying ‘you never know’ whilst pretending to jog short distances around his garden. Local hedge-cutter, Tom Loughran, still thinks there’s something in it:
“Listen, there’s no smoke without fire. Danny was a deadly footballer in his day and once scored 0-4 from play against Drumragh in 1979, in their field! People say he scored 0-3 with his right leg and headed one over. It’s the stuff of legend around here and he’s never had to buy a pint since, and him a tee-totaller. I’d say Mickey Harte has been a bit worried about the young lads in his panel and has asked Danny to dig him out. I saw him at the sports day last year and he still has a deadly kick on him. There was a stray buck cat annoying people and he ran over and booted it over the pavillion. Wemen swooned.”
Tyrone officials though have played down the rumour and told us to “catch ourselves on” calling the rumour “the biggest pile of dung they’d ever heard”.
“Pure balls. Why the hell would Mickey draft in a 65-year old from Galbally and there’s Mugsy fixing fences with his togs on raring to go? Anyway, Danny’s blind in one eye and has a bad limp. This is just stupid. I’m putting the phone down.”
Danny has refused to confirm whether he’ll be running out onto the Ballybofey turf, simply telling us “when the seagulls follow the boat, it’s because they’d be thinking it’s the right way to go.”
Terror In Tyrone As Windmill GFC Plan To Reform
Site for new Windmill field
Gaels throughout the county have reacted with shock to the news that Windmill GFC are on the verge of reforming and might even take up the hurling too this time. The East Tyrone outfit disbanded some time in the early 80s after a series of misdeameanours on and off the field left them unable to put out a side at any level every week. Fears that the club may reform surfaced last week when sons of ex-players were spotting running around a field for an hour, stopping only to rugby tackle haystacks or shoulder into makeshift walls. Moortown stalwart Paddy Quinn made no bones about what this means for Tyrone GAA:
“I never thought this day would come. I remember as a kid being told stories about the Big Bad Wolf, The Troll Under the Bridge and the Windmill Full Back. That was the category they were placed in. I only played the once against the Windmill in 1977 and lost my complete bottom set of teeth, and I was a sub who didn’t get on. This is bad news for the supposed hard men in the county. They’ll be whimpering in their sleep over the summer.”
The Tyrone referees’ Society have met already to reassure each other that ‘things will be alright’ according to retired umpire Gary Coyle from Stewartstown:
“One of my last matches refereeing was a game between Urney and Windmill back in 1980. Played down at the shore, Urney faced the intimidating sight of the Windmill side eating raw meat as a warm-up to the backdrop of men wrestling salmon and trout on the Lough. I sounded the final whistle with Urney a point ahead and left the pitch, slowly walking backwards, pointing a gun at the furious Windmill contingent. Unfortunately, I was hit over the head by an elderly supporter wielding an umbrella and woke up in Cookstown, stripped bare, with my hands superglued to my head. We need to be prepared this time.”
Windmill’s new chairman, Vinny ‘Cut throat’ Dawson, says they will not be forgetting their roots:
“They said they’ll give us a go at division three next year. If I was the Brocagh chairman, I’d pull them out. We have long memories here and can vivdly recall the day they overturned the Maxi belonging to our manager back in 1982 down at their place. Long memories.”
Their first friendly is pencilled in for August 21st against a Maghaberry Prison GAA Select.
Kerry Reveal Thatcher’s Part In 1986 All-Ireland Victory Over Tyrone.
Thatcher the Sam Snatcher
By Gombeen
A member of the great Kerry side which defeated Tyrone 2-15 to 1-10 in the 1986 All-Ireland Final has today revealed that Thatcher gave them ‘deadly tips’ on how to beat Art McRory’s men about a week before that infamous game. The anonymous charismatic Kingdom forward said the Iron Lady popped down to Killarney during intense training and called the squad together into a huddle for a pep talk to highlight a few weaknesses that proved crucial on the day.
“Micko had just finished the 36-lap drill and we were about to run up Carrauntoohil when a helicopter landed around the middle of the field and yer woman jumped off with a headscarf on her. She beckoned us to gather around her with a big curly crooked finger and bejaysus she’s the sort of girl you listened to. Even Micko took his cap off. She said something about a northern team never lifting Sam under her watch and rhymed off about a dozen tactics to try out on the day. The most memorable was to wind Kevin McCabe up about his moustache. When he took the penalty, half of our team were shouting things like ‘Charlie Chaplin’ or ‘Daley Thompson’ at him. I’m 100% sure that’s why he stuck it over.”
Our source also revealed they presented her with a used Kerry jersey and a clump of butter. He said her knowledge of Ulster football was impressive.
“She wasn’t behind the door about dishing out the dirt of boys like John Lynch or Plunkett Donaghy. Apparently they were massive Duran Duran fans at that time so we just rubbished their music during the game. People talk of McMenamin and those boys excelling at the trash-talking. We were at it back in the 80s, aided by Thatcher herself. She had us wired up about the rivalry between the Fianna and the O’Rahillys. We fairly wound up McClure and O’Hagan. It worked a dream.”
Thatcher stood down in November 1990 and within ten months Down won the All-Ireland.
International Reaction To Black Card Ruling In GAA
A black card will be used in gaelic football from January next year. Motion 4 proposed that a new ‘black card’ be introduced to deal with a specific category of foul, relating to ‘cynical behaviour’ and was passed with a 82% majority at the GAA Annual Congress in Derry today. We gauged reaction to the historic decision across the globe:
“Hell yea! Delighted to hear the dudes in Derry passed this. A victory for democracy. We need to show the dissenters the error of their ways. Had this not been passed we would have considered air strikes on the new Garvaghey complex. Here, I bet you Ricey’s glad he retired when he did.” PRESIDENT OBAMA, USA
“Bastards, hi!” NADINE COYLE, DERRY
“Mmmm. Do you know who’s been given the gig for making the black cards? Interesting.” SEAN QUINN, FERMANAGH
“O mama. This is just the beginning. Get me in and I’ll have a baseball-type musical jingle as the ref digs around looking for the correct card. Will it be red? The music builds. Will it be yellow. Faster, faster. It’s black. Pantomime booing. Great TV. I like the idea of the hooter at the end. I’ll get women in hooter T-shirts to do it. Kerching! Nailed it!” LOUIS WALSH, MANCHESTER
“I’m undecided. Up the Carmen.” POPE FRANCIS, ROME
“What colour will the black cards be? I hope it’s pink. I love pink.” JORDAN, ESSEX
“Abusive language? Does that include ‘nordie bastards’? BONO, DUBLIN
“You can’t say black!” JOHN TERRY, LONDON
“I hope Conor Gormley brings a cushion to the games. He’ll be spending some time sitting on benches. Cute though.” KATY PERRY, CALIFORNIA
Carrickmore GAA To Tackle Ferocious Image. Plans For Pink.
In a bold attempt to rid the area of its teak-tough and uncompromising representation, Carrickmore officials project that their new initiatives will see tourism rise at least by 500% over the twelve months. Locals have long lamented the lack of visitors to the Carrickmore high street, a phenomenon explained away by the harrowing perception of people in the area created by rival parishes and certain sections of the media. It is claimed that 1956 was the last time anyone from outside the townland married into the traditional Carrickmore families of the Gormleys, McCallans, Munroes and Dalys. Businesses have suffered as people fear of having to deal with the now mythical ferocious women and men from the village.
In a bold move, Carrickmore officials have unveiled their new strip – an all-pink number with frilly lacings around the collars – to be worn by the senior side in league and championship in 2013. Buying into the whole “connotations of colours” philosophy, club offical Gab Gormley maintains it could be the making of Carrickmore as a community:
“Well, to be honest, something needed to be done. The Carmen was turning into the wild west, where folk feared to travel. I emailed Gok Wan for suggestions and he didn’t reply. So I asked a boy from down the road who knows about colours and stuff and he filled me in about this idea. I was a bit skeptical at first but thought ‘what the hell’. There was a bit of a mini-rebellion when I announced it at training last night and, understandably, the clubrooms were thrashed by angry players. My car was also set alight by a few senior lads who should’ve known better, but no matter. As soon as they see the men and wemen from other places coming here for a pint or a loaf of bread then they’ll know they played their part in changing the future of this great place. We will soon be building skyscrapers and hoarding asylum seekers. People will see Carrickmore as progressive and in touch with their feminine qualities.”
Carrickmore will play rivals Dromore in a friendly next month in what could be a testing first outing. A high profile inter-county defensive player, who does not wish to be named, was furious at the announcement:
Holy buckin Jaysus, we’ll be laughed out of it in places like Derrylaughan and Killyclogher. Pink, like. Any other colour maybe. The renowned green and gold will be no more. I can’t see how this will bring in tourists. We might get some kind of knitting convention or gay pride march in Carrickmore but that’s the best case scenario. They’ve made a hames of this. I can’t see Mickey Harte picking lads who play in pink.
Officials say they haven’t shelved plans of forcing all Carrickmore people to attend night classes in “the art of nose-blowing and coughing up stuff in public”.
New design for Carmen
Tyrone Team On Brink Of Implosion Over Sock/Stocking Rift
An artist’s impression of the new attire
Neutral mediators were this morning attempting to repair the damage caused by an internal rift over the sock/stockings issue which has blighted the Tyrone senior county squad since the start of the year. Tempers were said to have exceeded boiling point last night when nine players turned up to training allegedly wearing the new sock/stockings imported from a warehouse in Bangladesh. Calling themselves ‘The Nylon Nine’, spokesperson Cathal McCarron is adamant they will not back down on this:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like. We’re running about a field in the depths of winter with a t-shirt, shorts and rolled up socks whilst yousins all sit with your coats and hats on, drinking team and all. In Casement last week I couldn’t feel my legs half way through the warm-up. They won’t let us wear tracksuit bottoms or hats but there’s nothing in the rulebook about these new stockings from Bangladesh. I’ve been wearing them to training at Dromore for a couple of years now and even Ricey eventually bought into them. He calls them suspenders but on the box it says socks/stockings. It’s time Mickey and the backroom lads moved with the times. Tony Donnelly has been wearing long-johns since I joined the panel. It’s one rule for them and none for us. We’ll be wearing them in Armagh this Sunday. Mark my words.”
Harte has set in place contingency plans this weekend to counteract the possibility of the Nylon Nine turning up kitted out in their new attire for the Fermanagh game. A backroom member, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“Holy ghost lads, they’re suspenders. SUSPENDERS! Can you imagine the goading they’ll be getting from them Fermanagh lads who spend their entire lives walking about in the rain wearing Frankie Goes To Hollywood or TheA-Team t-shirts without a complaint. We’ll be laughed out of Armagh. There’ll be some noise coming out of our changing room tomorrow if they go ahead with the threat. You’ll hear the slaps. There’s a rake of lads from Urney and Dregish who’ll take their places.”
Fermanagh manager Peter Canavan has refused to comment but an Erne insider claims the former Tyrone captain nearly wet himself thinking about it this morning.
Out and About – Hopes For 2013
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS
New Red Diesel Laws Sees Rise In Tractors At Clonoe Church
Mrs Quinn (76) out for a Sunday drive
“An effin tractor convention” were the words uttered by an irritated Fr Hannigan last week during his homily at a packed Clonoe church. HM Revenue & Custom confirmed that during extreme weather farmers can use red diesel in their tractors to help grit and clear snow from public roads, earlier in the month. In an obvious floutation of the new ruling, it has been estimated that every household in the parish now own a second hand tractor for everyday use, from going to the local shop for milk to bringing the children to carol services. Fr Hannigan’s patience finally cracked after the racket made by late-comers arriving in their New Hollands made the opening ten minutes of his service completely inaudible.
“The penny dropped when I saw Mrs McGrath and Mrs Taggart arriving at Saturday night’s mass in their own tractors. McGrath was attempting to steer a creaking 1967 Cockshut Hartparr through the front pillars. She broke the head off one of them and bulled on through the once-beautiful garden. My maid was distraught when she saw her demolished dahlia beds. Mrs Taggart was some sight. Descending from her Massey 2004, didn’t she get her frock caught somewhere in the cab, ripping the fabric from around her behind. There was some queue behind her at communion. Men who never took the bread were up like a shot for a gawk. No one will complain about the awkwardness of driving these monsters as the money saved on untaxed fuel seems to be worth the hassle. It has to stop though. The church grounds resemble a monster truck rally. And the buckin sound.”
Teachers have also complained about the carnage at hometime when over 150 tractors and snow ploughs turn up to collect the children. Police appear to be powerless to intervene as the roads are so bad around the area that even pensioners justified tramping through the shite in Davy Browns with Christmas presents balancing on the drawbars.
Coalisland Weatherman Sacked After One Day. Dialectal Differences Blamed.
Savage’s one appearance captured on poor phone
Despite three years at UUC studying Media and Journalism, Coalisland’s great TV hope Henry Savage was given his P45 after one day presenting the weather on obscure Sky channel Horse And Country HD. Savage was said to be distraught tonight having to deal with his first major failure in life after achieving seven GCSEs (2A, 2B, 3C) and three A Levels (BCD). Horse And Country HD issued a statement this evening explaining the sudden departure of the Brackaville Road presenter:
“It was a simple issue of translation. Although warned beforehand by our Maghery floor-mopper that the Tyrone accent was the least TV-friendly brogue out there, we were impressed at Savage’s educational background. He got a B in his 11+ back in 1986. Yet we had to let him go after our phoneline almost melted with complaints after his one and only weather presentation. When he said ‘I doubt it’ll be heavy rain for England today’, the nation assumed he was telling them it wouldn’t be raining beyond a light drizzle. Little did we know that in Coalisland ‘I doubt it will rain’ means ‘it’ll be raining, in my opinion’. You understand the difficulty we have in interpreting his predictions. Seventeen t-shirt wearing pensioners were admitted to a local A&E in Kent having been caught out in torrential rain following Henry’s advice, with three having suspected hyperthermia.”
Calls also swamped the network when Savage warned the viewers that they’d be ‘foundered’ if they ‘headed out’ as it’d be ‘tara’. Unable to find those words in the dictionary, many viewers refused to leave their houses for fear of some type of climatic disaster. Two men were sacked from their jobs for failing to turn up after Henry’s advice and are demanding compensation.
Savage says he’ll continue to pursue his dream of being a TV presenter but will start mixing with people from Edendork or Donaghmore in order to widen his vocabulary.
Plans For Hotel In Galbally May Go Ahead
Artist’s impression of Galbally Hotel
Ambitious plans to build an hotel in Galbally by ‘the end of the year’ by local lunatic, Peader Johnson, may actually be passed in time for work to begin on Sunday at the latest. The sleepy hamlet, which vies for tourism with nearby Cappagh, has been devoid of visitors since 2008. Johnson, an unemployed plasterer, was said to have ‘thrown the head up’ in the bar last week and decided to submit plans for a luxurious hotel to be built on a piece of land behind the pub. Bar manager Johnny Tally was impressed by Johnson’s plans:
“Jayz it sounds great like. Peader’s a bit of a header but he means well and if he manages to pull this off we’ll erect a statue in his honour. To be honest, it’s a bit depressing here. I’ve had the same dozen customers for four years now and even they’re getting sick at the sight of each other. Them Cappagh fcukers have the market cornered with their outdoor natural spa and mountain. Where they got the mountain idea from I don’t know but it was a genius stroke, all those millions of years ago.”
Johnson’s plans include provision for a 10-room suite with gold sofas, cushions, gilt mirrors and chandeliers. A grand foyer will dazzle the eye with an elaborate floor made of four kinds of marble from the Bahamas. The 15-metre-long living room will hold a baby grand piano. The vast entertainment centre will come with a full-service bar. Throw in the eye-popping balcony views of Pomeroy and Kildress, a butler and it’ll be hard to turn down the £25’000 a night offer.
Local convenience store owner Mary McCann wasn’t completely in favour:
“Listen, I’m all on for people coming to Galbally. It would be great to se people like Sean Connery and Gandhi coming here and spending all their money. That’s fine. It’s just that my store only does the papers, bread and a slap of milk. Them foreigners will be asking for queer things like salami and celery. And probably Amazonian camel’s piss. Can’t be scundered with that craic.”
Johnson claims he has a few lads from Cappagh with experience of plastering at GNVQ level.
What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend – Nov 1st-2nd
COOKSTOWN
PARADE OF THE ELEPHANTS – Barney Eastwood and Jimmy Cricket lead the annual Parade of the Elephants at 10am Saturday morning. These fine creatures, 9 in total, live on the Tullhogue side of the town and are native to the area. They are a distant relative to the elephants you’d see in programmes about Africa and barely survived the hose pipe ban of 1995. Young children at risk from being excreted on so caution needs to be exercised.
COALISLAND/CLONOE LEAGUE FINAL
Edendork will witness the coming together of Coalisland and Clonoe people – a must-see event (Sat 2pm). The East Tyrone diaspora are a uniquely indigenous people, many of whom haven’t set foot out of a 15-mile radius of the area apart from going to Nutt’s Corner in the lead up to Christmas. Sit back and watch how they interact using one-syllable words. Witness their jeans and tucked-in jumpers – a real heart warmer. Observe how they manage to throw a pound into the turnstyle and get away with it by employing a pretend innocent ignorance that you had to pay in at all. Get there tomorrow before they start watching Friends and change.
OMAGH
Celebration of Polygamy. The marriage of one man and several women or one woman and several men, is prohibited in modern day Omagh, but only in the first weekend of December and must be terminated by St Stephen’s Day. The great Seamus McMahon, the oldest living functional man in Omagh, is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Sunday polygamy service starts at 4pm Sunday at Healy Park.
STRABANE
Baler Twine Belt Competition. Sunday 9am sees the inaugural baler twine belt event. Men and women will parade down the main street in their Sunday best with only baler twine holding up their modesty. Best twine judged by Hugo Duncan and Jimmy McGuinness.
Water Filters ‘Selling Like Hotcakes’ In Ardboe. Cash Up Front.
The Pastor Kennedy Water Filter
A preacher from Alabama in America has blogged that, in all his travels over the world, the people of Ardboe were the most generous by far. Pastor Peter Kennedy stopped off in Ardboe on his way home from Russia in order to rectify a horrible experience his great grandfather had in the area in the late 1800s. The great Arthur Kennedy toured Ireland in 1896, hoping to convert the locals into using an early version of the modern water filter which involved connecting his contraption to the nozzle of a water pump in the Main Street.
“Arthur meant well. He was showing the Ardboe community how they could filter out all the muck and silt from the water pump in the village. All was going well until he was chased from the local drinking shebeen after letting it slip that the filtered water could not be mixed with whiskey or the version of local ether/meth they were all drinking. As he left the pub someone threw a dog at him through the window from inside the building. He said he’d never visited such a heathen place in all his travels across Europe.”
Peter now claims the people of Ardboe have changed beyond all recognition and will be recommending the loughshore townland as a tourist attraction to Obama’s government when he returns to America.
“I managed to sell 130 water filters last week alone in the greater Ardboe area. At £2500 a go they don’t come cheap but the people here have dug deep. Our brand of filters have changed a lot since 1896. You can mix any alcohol at all with it. It also claims to cure illnesses if you rub it on the affected area. They seemed to like that idea here and already there has been rumours of women getting rid of unwanted facial hair, men losing weight and animals working harder after applying the water. It also gets rid of embarrassing stains from trousers or skirts. Some may say they’re a superstitious or gullable people around these parts but I say they’re open to ideas. A great community. All cash up front too. The Northern Bank must do some trade in Ardboe as it was all their notes. I’ve already received advanced orders for another 40 filters for here, again paid for by similar bank notes. Magnificent people.”
When questioned on the sudden influx of wealth in the area, Ardboe Lord Mayor simply smirked and commented, “Is thon balax away yet?”
Tyrone Tribulations 