Pool Of Vomit Hits Back At Ryanair Complaints
The pool of vomit, which hit the headlines yesterday after an apology from Ryanair was made to a passenger who had to sit beside it from London to Dublin, has hit back claiming it was no fun for him either on the return flight having to endure a journey with an Omagh man.
The vomit has vowed to fly EasyJet in future and may even consider purchasing First Class tickets in order to avoid the nightmare journey he experienced.
“If you’ve ever sat beside a Tyrone man for more than an hour you’ll know what I’m talking about. At first it was the smell of diesel mixed with silage. Having overcome that ordeal, he then proceeded to order goods from the trolley that they obviously didn’t sell…black pudding, buttermilk, poitin, sausage roll baps……this went on for a good half hour before he just took a cup of tea and a Rich Tea from his coat.”
Ryanair have yet to comment on the latest complaints but the vomit is hoping for a refund of sorts.
“No one should have to go through what I did. There should be First Class, then normal boarders, then a Tyrone section at the back near the toilets. Maybe throw the Derry ones there too.”
Meanwhile, a Moy taxi man maintains the person who produced the vomit initially should have been made to sit in it as is his policy for any journeys over 5 miles.
Paperless Treasurer’s Report Raises Suspicions At Tyrone Music Society AGM
For the fourth year running, the treasurer of the East Tyrone Traditional Music Society has completed his annual report without using any paper or receipts and armed with just a solar powered calculator.
Citing ‘an eco-friendly mindset’, Jody Campbell took just 35 seconds to finish his report concluding with the summation:
“Aye we’re doing alright and there’s plenty of money if anyone needs stuff.”
Musician and all-round sceptic Henry Hanna admits he finds it tough to turn a blind eye to the treasurer’s findings:
”
We spent half of the year fundraising for instruments and all that was purchased were 3 tin whistles and a few horse hairs for my bow. I think we raised the guts of £25’000 and we still had to pay our own way at the weekend’s Fleadh. There’s something fishy about this paperless approach.”
Campbell, who arrived in a 2014 Lamborghini, refused to admit to any financial irregularities:
“People forget about the small things like insurance for instruments and petrol money for attending competitions. Then there’s the sandwiches and tea for the monthly meetings. There’s not much change out of £25’000 after that. But if anyone wants anything there’s money there for fiddle chalk or tin whistle shining cloths.”
Campbell revealed that the paperless approach has cut expenditure by ‘about £1000’ with no printing paper needed or even a computer.
Tyrone To Wear Sack Cloth And Ashes After Watershed
Sean Cavanagh?
RTE face a backlash from the GAA fraternity after it emerged this morning that they will demand Tyrone appear on the field in the semi-final against Kerry wearing a sack cloth each and with ashes on their hair. In addition, there will be deferred coverage of the game after the watershed in case children are influenced by their dasdardly deeds.
RTE spokesman Noel Custard explained:
“Years ago the sack cloth and ashes were a sign of genuine repentance. Now, we’re showing a little mercy to Tyrone by just making them wear ashes on their heads and will forego the need for them to sit ashes as well as that will mess up the Croker turf. Bad enough they’re on it with their northern ways.”
The game will also be aired after 9PM.
Additionally, the Bishop of Dublin will bless the field before the game and will celebrate a decade of the rosary with the Tyrone squad in the midfield area in order to exorcise any previous misdemeanours.
“We’re only interested in maintaining a fair and just society which maybe the northerners aren’t used to. No cute hoors or fraudsters down here atall.”
Sean Cavanagh’s Face Appearing All Over Tyrone
St Sean?
By Landan Seamy
As proof that Sean Cavanagh is on the side of the righteous, reports are coming in of his face appearing in unexpected places all over Tyrone.
Tyrone people have often been given stick that unlike all of their neighbours the county doesn’t have a saint of its own. This may be about to change.
Mary Lannigan from Moy has reported that she spotted his face on a Tayto crisp.
“Normally” she explained “I wouldn’t be seen dead buying a packet of Armagh crisps but I made an exception this year as they exited the competition so early. I took out a crisp only to see Sean Cavanagh smiling back at me. I was overcome with emotion and would have kept the crisp as proof for RTE but I was very hungry and it was the biggest crisp in the packet.”
As a sure sign that the reports are genuine many of their incidents seem to occur at a time of great despair. For example a young farmer from Cranagh, 60 year old Enda Killen, was quoted as saying
“This is the worst summer in my farming career. I was out in the field a few days ago looking up at the sky in disbelief wondering if the rain would ever cease when suddenly the clouds merged into a formation that looked wild like Sean Cavanagh and Mickey Harte holding a cup. I’m not certain if it was the Sam Maguire but it definitely looked bigger than the McKenna Cup”. “Mark my words”, Enda added “those two men will go places”.
One of the most unusual experiences came from a farmer near the border with Monaghan. The Aughnacloy man who wishes to remain anonymous said
“I’ve been keeping the cows in the byre this year due to the wet weather. On the Monday after the Tyrone match I was woke up at an unearthly hour to hear them out of the byre, running round the field turning it into pure muck. I was convinced it was spiteful Monaghan wans behind it but when I went out I could distinctly see Sean Cavanagh’s face in the muck. There was one cow in particular that was running round in circles as if she had BSE. When I got up close I could see that she was just adding the finishing touch by placing a halo over his head. I went and called my wife. She could clearly see the face although she argued that it might be Sean’s brother Colm. We went and called our neighbour to decide and she confirmed it was definitely Sean but to our surprise she also pointed to a corner of the field where a few calves had formed a gorgeous picture of Tiarnan McCann with his lovely hairdo almost perfect. That should put a stop to all the slabbering of O’Rourke and his ilk.”
Colm O’Rourke Warned For ‘Tittering And Laughing’ In Staffroom This Morning
Smirkin O’Rourke
Insiders at St Patrick’s in Navan confirmed this afternoon that Colm O’Rourke had to be warned three times by the Board of Governors for ‘giggling away to himself’ at a first staff meeting for the 2015/6 academic year. Mr O’Rourke, Principal of the school, was finally asked to stand in the corner after smirking and rubbing his hands during a conversation on discipline procedures for the coming year.
Cleaner Mary Dowds, who has worked in the school since 1933, explained how O’Rourke was in unusually pleasant form for the first day back:
“The master would be a grumpy sort of man but this morning he was grinning from ear to ear and saying things like ‘I’ve got them now‘ and ‘Pat and Joe will be so pleased with me‘, and pointing at his nose and winking. We hadn’t a clue what he was on about.”
O’Rourke’s mobile phone was also confiscated by the Chair of the Board after he was caught texting several times during the meeting. Dowds added:
“He was infuriating everyone. The chairperson took the phone off him and read out one of his texts. It was addressed to a ‘Ciaran’ and it said ‘LOL, can’t believe RTE fell for it.’ It didn’t seem to faze him though and he just kept on smirking.”
Meanwhile, The Ulster Samaritans revealed they’re still perplexed at the astronomical rise in calls to their centres over the weekend, mostly from Derry and Armagh callers. Samaritans spokesperson Mary Applebum explained:
“From 6pm on Saturday evening til last night our phones were red hot with people from Ballinderry and Maghery wailing and sobbing. We couldn’t really work out what was wrong but they seemed to be worried about their heart or something like that.”
The Sunday Game To Accuse Gavin Devlin Of Using Remote Controlled Flock Of Birds
Devlin’s birds
An RTE insider confirmed to us this morning that Des Cahill, Ciaran Whelan and Kevin McStay have put together a video sequence which they say shows Tyrone’s assistant manager Gavin Devlin cynically using a remote control in his ear to operate a flock of birds throughout the entire game yesterday. Shane ‘Cake’ Curran, however, has refused to buy into the idea and blames the Catholic Church and Fianna Fail for Tyrone’s surprise progression to the semi final.
The birds, numbering 20, remained on the field until mysteriously flying off over Hill 16 in the direction of Ardboe as soon as the referee blew the full time whistle. Our informer added:
“Yes, they’ve a pile of footage which shows Devlin talking into his ear piece and then you see the birds patrolling the Tyrone goalmouth, making it seem more congested than it really was. Very cynical by Tyrone when you see it. McStay has a big electronic screen with triangles and all drawn on it to show the Devlin system. It really is very professional.”
Our source revealed that Ciaran Whelan ‘went clean mad’ when McStay showed him his theory and smashed a monitor he was using to show how Tyrone cynically wore a red strip to make Monaghan think they were playing Louth.
“Whelan went berserk. His nostrils were the size of apples. Even Des Cahill was tutting and saying ‘them poor birds’ and stuff like that.”
Sources in Ardboe confirmed that Devlin was a deadly man for the birds in his teens.
The RSPCA are also looking at footage.
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around…
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Malachy O’Rourke’s Bin Not Collected In Ballygawley After Latest Wave Of Pre-Match Intimidation
O’Rourke’s bin
Malachy O’Rourke was said to be furious this morning after his bin remained full to the brim despite a Thursday morning collection in the Ballygawley area.
This follows a spate of unusual incidents for the Monaghan manager living in Tyrone territory including the half a litre of his 2-litre milk delivery which was already drunk before he got up on Tuesday morning. O’Rourke also chased three teenagers who were rifling through his recycling bin on Monday apparently looking for shredded pieces of tactics and team notes.
A neighbour and close friend of the burly multi-countied manager and ex-player added:
“I warned Malachy about living down around these parts. These Tyrone ones will stop at nothing. I think the bin not being emptied was a big thing for him. He’d ate a lot of steaks and them wrappers from the butcher can stick like mad to the sides of the bin and then attract maggots. And he’s deadly for the Biker crisps, the spicy ones, so rubbish can fairly build up in a fortnight and he’ll have to wait til the end of August now. He’s livid.”
Locals also confirmed an incident on Wednesday evening when O’Rourke spent 45 minutes driving around the Ballygawley roundabout as cars refused to let him turn off onto the road to his house. The Monaghan boss reportedly had to sit down for two hours with dizziness before tackling his steak.
The O’Rourke family spokesman denied the rumour that a man with a Mickey Harte mask was spotted looking through Malachy’s bedroom window this morning at 6am but added a bouncer was being hired for the rest of the week.
Coalisland Serial Flasher Blames ‘Bad Pint’
bad pint
A Coalisland plumber, who has been reported for spontaneous flashing in the town over a dozen times since January 2014, has told Omagh Courthouse that a ‘bad pint’ in his local pub usually coincides with his lewd and illegal activities.
Hughie Corr (49), who hasn’t had a drink since his most recent flashing episode on the Main Street last Saturday, has vowed to change his drinking establishment in an attempt to address the recurrent problem. Corr told Judge McCabe
“I can usually tell after three or four sips that it’s a bad pint I’m drinking and that there’s a strong likelihood I’ll be at the flashing later on when I leave the place. I’ve told the bar man a few times now that he needs his pipes cleaned but I’d never want to push it as I’ve a sizeable tab running.”
Judge McCabe has ordered all 12 in the jury, as well as himself, to spend a day drinking in the problem pub to see if there are any legs in Corr’s story:
“I’m well aware that a bad pint can play havoc with a man’s emotions but flashing is on the verge of an unacceptable response to it. We’ll spend the day in the pub and hopefully this social experiment will find this man either guilty or innocent.”
Corr has a previously conviction for damage to a neighbour’s car after blaming a ‘bad steak’ he consumed earlier that day.
Croke Park To Offer 3D Glasses And Earphones To Tyrone/Monaghan Supporters
Crowd watch point scored.
In a bid to boost ailing attendance figures at Croke Park, GAA officials are offering spectators at this weekend’s All-Ireland quarter finals the chance to experience game-play on a different level by providing every supporter with 3D glasses as well as wireless earphones in order to hear the sledging at close quarters.
Figures released confirmed that only 4033 Tyrone fans made their way to Croke Park last weekend for the qualifier clash with Sligo, prompting head-quarter officials to think outside the box in an effort to attract the hordes of Tyronians who descended on Dublin during the last decade.
Head of Sustainability in Croke Park, Aisling Mulcahy, revealed:
“We’re acutely aware that there are around 40’000 Tyrone supporters sitting at home watching the matches on TV who could potentially be here eating corned beef sandwiches and drinking mineral for just £30. So we’ve decided to offer a viewing feast by having players wear 3D strips and spectators will be provided with appropriate glasses. So the next time Sean Cavanagh pulls down Conor McManus, you’ll get the feeling he’s dragging you to the ground. We expect fireworks.”
Mulcahy also revealed that Bluetooth and wireless technology will enable fans to hear everything that’s said on the pitch by purchasing special headsets:
“This is a game changer. If Dick Clerkin is slagging Peter Harte about being ginger or something, you’ll hear every last detail including Harte’s reply which will probably be something about the name ‘Dick’. Certain words will be bleeped out for under 16s using our digital delay contraption.”
Mulcahy stopped short of confirming the possibility of a Gladiator style decision on the referee’s performance at the end of the game with supporters asked to give either a thumbs up or down on the whistling official. The RSPCA warned that the lion might not be satisfied with the man in the middle and may go roaming into the stands.
Glasses will cost £20 and headphones retail at £15. A combo deal can be purchased for £34.99.
Major Investigation Launched As ‘Elvis Presley’ Wins West Tyrone GAA Club Lottery Again
Elvis, working in Castlederg?
Lottery auditors have descended upon a West Tyrone GAA club after Elvis Presley won the £3000 snowball prize for the third time in 3 years, adding to other winners such as ‘Tom Jones’, ‘Clint Eastwood’, ‘Calamity Jane’ and ‘Shergar’ since the lottery commenced in 2012.
Killeter GAC Committee admitted no locals had ever won the big prize in the lottery but denied making up winners in order to pocket the prize fund for annual outings to Bundoran and Downings.
Local carpenter and lottery fanatic Killian Penrose remains adamant that something fishy is going on:
“They’re not even putting much effort into covering it up. Who’s called Elvis Presley, like? Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees has won it 4 times now. And as for Shergar….”
Killeter GAA hit national headlines in 1988 after advertising the opening of their new field ‘Castlederg Road Park’ with astronaut Neil Armstrong and Mahatma Gandhi as their special guests, organised by chairman Leo Hurson.
Penrose added:
“And that was a farce too. This boy in a spacesuit turned up, helmet and all, and sure he was only 4 feet tall. I’m sure we’d have known if Armstrong was only 4 foot. And Gandhi had been dead 40 years. He just had some man from Aghyaran dressed in a sheet, waving to people.”
Chairman Hurson was unavailable for comment this morning but an inside source confirmed that there’s an Elvis Presley who works in a chip shop in Castlederg Main Street.
Ardboe Farmer Fined For Smoking Whilst Pushing Wheelbarrow
A big fine on the way?
Following the news that a farmer who lit up a cigarette in his tractor could face a fine of up to £1,000 after he was deemed to be smoking in his workplace in a commercial vehicle capable of “carrying more than one person”, a 66-year old farmer from the Battery Road in Ardboe has been fined £300 on the spot for smoking a cigarette (Marlboro) whilst manoeuvring a barrow full of compost from his garden to the rampart.
Patsy Quinn, who will contest the fine, maintains it’s one rule for government ministers and another for the average Joe:
“I remember seeing McGuinness holding a barrow up with yer woman O’Neill in her and him with a Benson and Hedges drooping from his lip. There was no word of fines or the like then. Ghost oh, it’s a joke.”
Quinn will also contest the fine on the grounds that his barrow couldn’t hold any of the women in his family as they were ‘all big eaters’, negating the suggestion that it’s a two-person contraption.
Jackie Conlon also appeared before a magistrate at Cookstown Court this morning on a charge of smoking whilst in control of a donkey and cart he uses to sell eels around Moortown and Ballinderry.
Conlon (71) admitted to freely smoking a Cuban cigar on a vehicle capable of carrying ‘about 15 people’ in the back of it. On accepting the charge, an emotional Conlon added:
“Have yiz nothing better til be at like. The country’s couped.”
Cartographer Confirms There Is A London In Tyrone. Derry Wants Apology.
Following the news that a motion supporting the name change of Londonderry to Derry was passed at a meeting of Derry City and Strabane District Council, a south Derry cartographer has confirmed the existence of a townland in Kildress called London which had been played down by locals since 1677.
This startling revelation has resulted a petition signed by 16’000 Derry people asking for a public apology for the verbal abuse received from Tyrone men and women at football matches and nightclubs about there being ‘no London in Tyrone’, especially in the 90s.
Ballinderry headmaster Aidan McGuckian confirmed there’ll be no rest until someone like Barry McElduff makes a public apology:
“So it turns out that not only was there no Sam in Tyrone from 93-03, but there was also a London in it. This changes everything. Thinking back, when the chant of ‘Oh there’s no London in Tyrone’ was reverberating around Clones back in the 90s, the Kildress ones never took part in the insult and stood huddled together, sweaty and red-faced. I just thought that’s the way they were. Bastards.”
Moves are already underway to plan how the apology will be presented to the people of Derry. An extraordinary meeting was called in Kildress involving high profile Tyrone figures from Dennis Taylor to Hugo Duncan. Duncan has promised to pen an apologetic song which he’ll play on the radio, entitled ‘Kiss my Derry Air’. A statue of Dana will also be commissioned to be erected at the middle of the road in Galbally.
Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has promised to wear a Derry jersey for a week at Stormont and use ‘sur’ at the end of every sentence.
New Facebook Page
I lost the war with Facebook over the previous page.
Here’s the new one – https://www.facebook.com/tyronetribs
Please like and share – people need to know what’s really happening in the county.
Stiff Dog Litter Fines In Brackaville Sees Rise In Canine Nappies
An early model
Draconian measures by the Department of Environment on the long-running problem of dog-littering in Brackaville has resulted in a lucrative dog-nappy business in Coalisland publishing record profits for the third month running.
The DoE announced last month that any dog caught fouling in the Brackaville area will result in a £5000 fine for its owner after thousands of complaints by non-dog owners were made in 2014 over the amount of dog excrement on the roads and pavements. Coalisland residents were having to take the long way around in their motors to get to Newmills as cars were being destroyed by the fresh litter from dogs as big as ‘Russian Alsations on steroids’ according to Coalisland joiner Patsy Hamill:
“Something had to be done like. Them Brackavillians seem to have a blind spot for what their pets do in public. I know they love their dogs up there but sure I love my children but I don’t let them dung all over the town.”
Local businessman Jody McNeill claims he is not cashing in on Brackaville’s misfortune but is in fact providing a much-needed service in the same way a doctor does, with his dog-nappy venture ‘Dog Done Dung?‘.
“Dog Done Dung? has saved Brackavillians thousands of pounds in fines. And we’re keeping with the times as our new range of nappies instantly tweets ‘I done dung’ on its personal Twitter account for that dog. And we’ve all shaped and sizes and even seductive ones for dogs on heat.”
McNeill confirmed dog-nappies retail from £9.99 for small dogs to £29.99 for Wolfhounds.
Tyrone Players Reading W.B. Yeats Before Sligo Clash For Clues
Yeats – the key to unlocking Sligo?
Mickey Harte, who pioneered bringing on old injured players in the second half as well as maintaining an immaculate semi-shaven demeanour for over a decade, has thought outside the box once more by forcing all squad members to read reams of W.B. Yeats’ poetry to get inside the mind of the average Sligo man and look for possible weaknesses.
County officials have moved to deny that the poetry will be used to sledge the Yeatsmen next weekend by saying it was shite and stuff like that. DJ Cuthbert added:
“Sure everyone knows Yeats was class, apart from the oul womany period he went through writing love words to the Gonne woman but sure every man has his faults.”
Early reports suggest Colm Cavanagh is struggling with Yeats’ mystical period but has taken to “The Lake Isle of Innisfree” with locals overhearing the midfielder rapping some of the lines, particularly:
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
with many feeling this hinted at a personal longing Colm has for returning to a full forward slot or maybe for a house in Benburb.
A Tyrone Tribulations spy who attended tonight’s training session at a secret bunker in Eskra, reported seeing Harte in full headmaster’s gown shouting at Mattie Donnelly who was unable to recite past the third line of Easter 1916 much to the mirth of McCurry and McAliskey.
Our reporter also described how Sean Cavanagh kept shaking his head and looking at his watch.
Gortin Husband In Doghouse After Hanging Knickers On Line. Not Wife’s.
Also in black
A 61 year old Gortin man is said to be ‘holding out ok’ after putting clothes out on the line which included a pair of black knickers not belonging to his wife.
Liam Coyne, who rarely did the laundry, put out the washing as a surprise for his wife who was nursing a hangover after the local bingo club had their annual outing. It wasn’t until Mrs Coyne came down for a glass of water that she spotted the rogue underwear flapping wildly in the stiff July breeze.
“I was about to give off about putting any underwear on the line in full view of the neighbours when I spotted a pair of knickers that I definitely didn’t own. After close inspection I noticed they had the logo AC/DC on them and him at that concert last week. He’ll be sleeping with Bosco the mongrel til I get answers.”
Coyne’s closest friend and fellow AC/DC fan Malachy Hamill (62) is at a loss to explain the appearance of the knickers but reckons Liam may have just bought all around him at stalls at the concert last week with excitement.
“Aye he went a bit mad alright with the merchandise at the concert. He had a carload of AC/DC foam hands and air fresheners. I’d say that’s the most likely scenario. Sure why would he hang out the knickers of some woman he tackled at the concert? That’d be mad.”
Hamill confirmed Coyne was ‘holding up well’ in the doghouse and was catching up on some reading with the help of a torch app on his phone.
Carrickmore Farmers Come To Blows Over Access To A Field On Pluto
Within hours after NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft flyby of the icy planet Pluto, a minor scuffle broke out in Carrickmore after two farmers immediately claimed fields beside each other on the dwarf planet, somewhere around the middle of it.
Despite a sizeable journey of 3-billion miles and a 9-year jaunt at an average speed of 30’000mph, Peter Gormley and James Kavanagh immediately set their sights on claiming land on the planet on a first-come-first-served basis. A disagreement emerged after Kavanagh refused Gormley access to his field if a road is built on the other side of Kavanagh’s field.
Gormley fumed:
“This is typical of the Kavanaghs. They’ve always been a carnaptious breed. Anyway, James hasn’t been doing his homework as usual. Apparently the gravity is so weak on Pluto that I could jump right over 3 acres of land and land gently on the other side. And I can fire the cattle over that way too. So balls to him.”
Kavanagh reportedly struck Gormley after Kavanagh suggested the only reason his rival was interested in Pluto was because you weigh only 10% of what you are on earth due to the gentler pull of gravity and that Mrs Gormley would only be 20 stone over there.
When asked how his cattle will be able to endure temperatures of -220, Kavanagh added:
“Just keep the barn doors closed and make cow-jackets. It’s not rocket science.”
Meanwhile, Carrickmore have applied to be twinned with the dwarf planet.
Aghyaran’s Poor Internet Coverage Leaves Locals ‘Still Living In Stone-Age’
Still feared in Aghyaran
Unicorns, leprechauns, dinosaurs and Finn McCool are still considered as daily threats in Aghyaran after government researchers admitted there has never been Internet coverage in the area since it was bought into the rest of Tyrone by Powerscreen in 1999.
In addition, 98% of Aghyarians still believe the earth is flat and that rain only happens when God is sad. Local headmaster and newspaper reader Master Redmond revealed there is a real need for investment in the area after the recent lunar eclipse witnessed families packing the cars and heading for Strabane in panic:
“Since Powerscreen bought the Internet for this part of the world, many newspapers and encyclopaedia stopped making new material as everything is apparently online now. Well, that has been no good to the people of Aghyaran and it’s a constant struggle in the community to keep people abreast of what is going on. If you inform someone of, say, the International Space Station, people just call you a slabber or ‘away in the head’.”
Aghyaran butcher and local historian Kevin Cutter (66) voiced concerns about the introduction of the Internet and maintains it needs to be slowly drip-fed into the area:
“If someone buys the Internet into this area and all of a sudden we’re told that smoking isn’t good for you or that you can’t get pregnant from kissing, then people will just be fainting and stuff from the sudden wave of revelations. It needs to be fed slowly, maybe starting with the likelihood that banshees are probably made up and take it from there. The bru man is real isn’t he?”
BT and O2 revealed they have no plans to improve their coverage in the Aghyaran area as ‘they’re used to not having it anyway’.
Plans To Reintroduce Wolves To Caledon And Benburb
By Landan Seamy
Benburb in 2016?
Imagine the thrill of lying in bed on a windswept December night listening to the hair raising howls from the moors as the wolves hunt their next victim. If local conservationist Pat “the wild man” Devlin and his 11 friends have their way this is what the future could hold for parts of Tyrone.
Pat and his team say plans to bring wolves back to Caledon and Benburb are “at an advanced stage”.
“People claim that we have not thought this through”
explained Pat,
“but we have watched all the Jurassic Park films and know how things could go wrong so to be on the safe side we have chosen 2 areas with sparse populations and with absolutely no players on the Tyrone county squad. Both places are practically in Armagh anyway so I don’t see what all the fuss is about”.
Pat is convinced that there’ll be no disaster anyway.
“Whilst the cynics just see problems I just see benefits for the local economy. Just think of the euros and dollars pouring in. If some of that money crosses the border to Armagh then good luck to them. People have asked me if I’ll be introducing lions and tigers next. That’s just pure ignorance. Those animals never lived in Ireland. The gist of my plan is to return, to their natural habitats, the animals dispossessed by Cromwell”.
Pat has met with some opposition from local farmers and mothers with young children.
“I can understand their concerns” he sympathises “but they’ll just have to get on with it”.
“People say he’s crazy” added Sean who like some of the other 11 is actually one of Pat’s sons.
“But when has a madman ever influenced 11 others. As my father keeps reminding us 12 is a respectable number. Jesus had 12 disciples; Jacob had 12 sons; Christmas has 12 days and the 12th is one of the biggest days in the northern calendar”.
“And on that last fact” interrupted Pat,
“if our fellow county men don’t stop moaning I’ll take the idea to Paisley’s country. It’d actually save us all a lot of time for once we rescue the wolves from the zoo we’d practically be in Antrim already”.
When pressed to state when exactly the wolves are to be “returned” Pat smiled and tapped his nose before saying “plans are an at an advanced stage but if I gave you an exact date the big noises in the zoo in Belfast would probably try and stop us“.
Tyrone Tribulations 