Tyrone Refused To Recognise Solar Eclipse
No viewers in Drumquin
Despite total media saturation in the preceding weeks, reports confirmed that all of Tyrone refused to recognise the celestial phenomenon of the solar eclipse, with 100% of its inhabitants going about their daily business without looking up or even talking about it.
Journalists from BBC, Sky and UTV were said to be disappointed after being despatched to various vantage points in the county only to be chased for ‘meddlin in things that no good will come from’ and with ‘there’s no money in that dung’ ringing in their ears.
Despite worries earlier in the week of possible pagan stirrings, the county proved to be a eclipse-free zone with schools and businesses issuing sanctions against anyone wishing to view the astronomical freak show.
Gareth Kenny, a 9-year old primary school pupil from St Ronan’s in Omagh, was clear as to why his school didn’t participate in the excitement:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite”
Dungannon, whose hill is a prime spot for viewing skyward events, was populated at full eclipse by three women and three dogs, who of whom were mating. When questioned on the lack of recognition of the sun/moon dance, one of the women explained:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite.”
At 9:31 am the clouds parted to show a full view of the 94% eclipse, despite predictions of a clouded non-event. A Sky News 24 reporter in The Moy described how the whole event passed off without recognition:
“This glorious occasion, with lighting considerably dulled and birds retreating in silence as well as a noticeable drop in temperature, went unnoticed in the sleepy hamlet of Moy. I heard one man, who was spitting furiously into a drain, exclaim ‘it’s dark, boys’ before giving a passer-by the 2 fingers.”
Meanwhile, Owen Mulligan confirmed his ‘full moon’ backside baring competition in Mulligan’s Bar on the same day was a raging success.
Accusations Of ‘Inside Job’ As Gerry Adams Finishes Second At Carrickmore Naked Trampolining Competition
Adams, after announcement
A Pomeroy naked trampolinist has had his winner’s cheque withheld after the Carrickmore judge was accused of being a great friend of the winner, whose jumping was described as ‘not that deadly’ by the strong Sinn Fein contingent supporting their party leader Gerry Adams.
Adams, who invented naked trampolining in 2012 and currently holds the Irish, British and Commonwealth titles in the sport, was expected to romp to victory at the Carrickmore event which featured many well known locals including Malachi Cush, Ciaran McClean, Plunkett Donaghy, Michelle Gildernew, Tom Elliot and Lynette Fay. The competition was won by Pomeroy lawyer Jack Kavanagh and adjudicated by Carrickmore veteran Patsy Gormley.
Over £40 was raised for a new coat of paint for the gable wall on the way into the village.
Spectator and naked trampolining enthusiast Deckie Bogue, a Fermanagh journalist and bare-chested midnight-lamping champion, announced his shock at the blatant skulduggery on display:
“Adams was by far the best naked trampolinist there today. He glided gracefully in the cold Carrickmore mist, his twisted torso a sight to behold. Gildernew and Donaghy were good at maintaining a straight back whilst Cush was perhaps hindered what God gave him in abundance as it was flapping all over the place and distracting everyone. But Kavanagh was middlin to say the least. This was a backhander job.”
The SF contingent booed heavily after the decision was announced and burst into a rendition of ‘Something Inside So Strong’. A despondent Adams, who lost his first competition since a defeat in 2013 in East Belfast, tried to remain philosophical after the defeat:
“I’m not going to accuse the Carrickmore/Pomeroy lads of anything. The reality of the situation is if you come to a place like this, you need to jump higher and better as there’s always a chance there’ll be a home-town decision. But I’ll be back. I haven’t gone away y’know. I’m just glad I bate Tom Elliot.”
Winner Kavanagh and judge Gormley were later seen laughing and joking outside the SDLP offices.
Lynette Fay was judged best newcomer after her maiden performance but has been warned about her risky tattoos for future outings.
Fears Over Solar Eclipse Naked Dancing In Brackaville Heightened
Ritual on Brackaville Golf Course during the ’99 eclipse
Political and religious leaders were today said to be on red alert on the eve of a near-total solar eclipse after rumours began circulating that a repeat of the 1999 solar eclipse activities around Brackaville and the greater Coalisland area may be on the cards.
Back then, over 200 residents were lifted by police for public nudity, burning of pagan symbols, shouting at clergy and general wrecking about for the entirety of the eclipse. 45 year old lorry mechanic Kevin Carland made the international headlines when he was videoed panicking at the semi-darkness, removing his clothes and running down the Brackaville Road shouting ‘we’re all going to die’ before ordering two pints of stout in the Canal End Bar and kissing women he secretly liked.
Local Independent Councillor Patricia Maguire spent the day reminding people in Brackaville that what happens tomorrow can be explained by studying astronomy and is not a sign from God:
“People need to calm down. Surely everyone can remember from 16 years ago that it passes over in an hour or so. Every time this happens here, people forget themselves and lose their heads completely. It like as if folk here are just looking for any excuse to strip off and go mad, going right back to 1344.”
Maguire’s plea is likely to fall on deaf ears as shopkeepers in the area reported a spike in soap and Vosene shampoo, suggesting many locals are showering tonight in anticipation of baring all tomorrow. Priests, who often bear the brunt of unwarranted abuse during the eclipse, have been advised to stay indoors and not to look directly at lay people.
Meanwhile, Stormont has confirmed there’ll be no claims processed for a loss in solar power during the eclipse for houses using alternative energy.
GAA Wades Into Overcrowding Graveyard Dilemma
Sources close to Tyrone GAA headquarters in Omagh have revealed that the sporting organisation are to offer a radical and controversial suggestion to help ease the current panic over plot space for the deceased.
An emergency meeting this morning, convened after a startling headline in the Irish News this morning over limited graveyard space, resulted in a motion tabled that the GAA in the county employ willing and able recently-deceased Gaels as umpires and on some occasions as linesmen in order to fulfil the minimum requirement for fixtures especially with the imminent threat of strikes from match officials over match-day fees looming large. All umpires, alive or dead, must be between the ages 65 and 80 as the current rule stands.
Our source, who confirmed a doctor was also in attendance to explain the medical side of things, explained how the motion was passed with an overwhelming majority:
“The doctor was was very convincing. He knew his stuff. He says the rigor mortis was perfect for the stance of an umpire and that many supporters wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway. The county secretary added that only those who signed a legal contract before death allowing their bodies to be used for posthumous officiating would be considered, and only if they’d paid up the annual membership fee for their club right up until they expired.”
Our source went on to reveal how a committee member suggested the deceased volunteer could use their club colours, continuing their great club volunteer work beyond the grave. When questioned on how scores and wides would be signalled, he explained:
“Well, an electrician from Dromore said he could wire up lights to their coats so if it was a wide the ref would press a button and red lights would flash on the umpire’s coat, with orange lights for a point and green lights for a goal. It seemed pretty straightforward and goes a long way to call the bluff from the upcoming umpire strikers.”
The Church have yet to respond to the offer but reports suggest they’re open to any solution to solve the overcrowding issue. However, the county’s Goalkeeping Union have voiced concerns at how off-putting it might be for goalkeepers, especially for evening games with a sparse crowd in attendance, to have two dead umpires beside him.
A motion to use the expired volunteers as actual referees was narrowly rejected.
Kildress Man ‘Mightn’t Bother Drinking’ On St Patrick’s Day This Year
Crowds enjoy 2014 Kildress St Patrick’s day
A Kildress plumbing supplier this morning announced during Mass that he is thinking of not drinking at all this Tuesday. Fr Buckett, who was pontificating during the Homily at the time, had to chastise the left hand side of the church for laughing out loud at Leo McGirr’s proclamation.
Giggling was still heard during Communion with many in the congregation maintaining McGirr’s head was ‘away with it altogether’ and advised him to get professional help. Publicans and off-licence owners have also moved quickly to play down McGirr’s intentions, claiming he is ‘probably and atheist’ or even worse.
The plumbing merchant, who claims to sell the cheapest compression fittings in Ulster, is adamant he knows what he is talking about:
“People are trying to make it out that I am doting or away with the fairies. I even heard my wife say I must be ‘a devil worshipping hoor’. But surely St Patrick didn’t come to Ireland to get people to drink too much on a particular day of the year. He arrived to straighten out places like Brackaville and Newtownstewart and troublesome reptiles. I’m not touching a drop and will honour our patron saint through religious observation.”
Close friend and reality TV addict John Morgan hopes McGirr will change his mind within the next 48 hours for his own sake:
“Leo is always coming out with statements like this. I remember him saying he wasn’t going to get drunk when his eldest child was born. Or he wasn’t drinking when his youngest made her First Communion. No one takes him seriously now as on both occasions he was flat out on the bar stool for 12 hours like any normal person.”
Meanwhile, the Catholic Church have warned people not to lose the message of St Patrick completely by drinking too much but also reminded followers that although Arthur Guinness may have been a staunch Protestant, they’re all Christians together and that Guinness were great sponsors for the Annual Priests’ Convention in Maynooth.
Ian Paisley Jnr To Get Freedom Of Coalisland And a Donkey
Following an investigation into long-forgotten by-laws in Tyrone, researchers have announced that Ian Paisley Jnr, MP for North Antrim, is the rightful heir to the Freedom of Coalisland, a title last awarded in 1791 to President George Washington.
In addition, the ancient ruling states that a local farmer with a surname beginning with ‘O’ or ‘Mc’ must supply a donkey for Paisley to ride through the town at his own leisure on Sundays.
And in a final twist, researchers have discovered that anyone who displays any signs of disgruntlement at the award is to be tied to a lamp post in the middle of the town and stoned for three hours.
Local shopkeeper and former footballer Jackie O’Neill told us through gritted teeth:
“This is absolutely splendid news. I can think of no better sight than Paisley on a donkey sailing down the Main Street on a Sunday, maybe popping in for a Choc Pop or a packet of Hula Hoops. You’ll find no argument from me anyway. I’m fine with it,”
before smashing the cup he was drinking tea out of by squeezing it too hard.
Local farmer, Leo McCann, came forward this morning with an offer of a donkey from his extensive range of animals. McCann, who was released under the Good Friday Agreement, maintains he’d be honoured to see Paisley striding around on his ass:
“I just hope he’s OK with the fact that he’ll be on a republican ass. It’s called Rebel and has been dormant for a few years now but as I said to the wife this morning, he hasn’t gone away y’know. He’ll take the big man’s frame no bother.”
Paisley has yet to comment on the award but sources close to the DUP man claim he was delighted at the news and hopes to canter down the Lineside this weekend and pop into Landi’s for their famed sausage supper and a can of Lilt. Unfortunately, he was disappointed to hear the cinema had closed down.
Strabane Man Got ‘Face Slapped Off Him’ For Suggesting His Man Flu Worse Than Childbirth
Worse than childbirth?
A Strabane solictor, and father of eight, was today said to be literally licking his wounds after innocently suggesting in his local pharmacy that his current ‘man-flu’ was probably worse than any of the childbirths his wife endured.
Several witnesses maintained a line of at least nine angry women lined up to slap 41-year old Killian Kelly on the face, leaving him ‘whimpering like a chastised mutt’ according to one bystander, before almost fainting in pain. He was revived by sucking on a packet of Victory Vs.
Kelly, whose wife gave birth naturally eight times since 2006, was forced to buy vaseline to sooth facial scorch marks after the ordeal, as well as the Lemsip he initially came in for.
One of the slapees, Mrs Duncan (66) from the Donegal Road, confirmed she has no regrets about the punishment dished out:
“What a wee bollocks!”
before stating she’d use a brick the next time he came out with ‘talk like that in a chemist full of women.’.
In an unusual move, The Independent Women of Strabane Society have challenged local townsmen to a pain challenge. By using top of the range pain sensors, a man is to be strapped up to a machine alongside a woman giving birth who will also be measured by the same contraption. The male participant is to receive some measure of pain in order to mirror that of childbirth.
Bookies are offering 2/1 that seven kicks in the testicle area will even up the pain receptors on both participants. So far there have been no volunteers.
School GAA Match Abandoned After All Players Refuse To Cross Halfway In Full-On Double Duvet Tactics
Ridiculous attacking move from Cavanagh
Tactics in modern football were further under scrutiny today after an U14 school’s game between Dungannon and Omagh was blown up on 15 minutes after it became clear that neither side were allowed to cross the half way line by their respective coaches.
The abandonment of the game follows on from the news last week that many under-age managers were using leather straps and branches as threats if their players attacked without prior negotiations.
Describing the game as ‘farcical’ and ‘not blanket but double-duvet defence’, Irish News reporter Kenny Arrow detailed in his report how one player from the Omagh side paid for an innocent indiscretion:
“….On five minutes the Omagh no.14 accidentally stepped over the half way line after receiving a poor fisted pass from his captain. His manager let him know on no uncertain terms that he would be dropped from the panel if it happened again and not to be so cheeky in future. He was subbed immediately.”
Nine kicks were executed during the 15 minutes of play as both teams attempted to score points from their own 45m line, with the ball usually dropping somewhere around their opponent’s 45m line.
Arrow described how the game ended:
“Given their small stature and limited leg power, as well as both managers’ insistence that no one broke ranks, it became obvious to the ref that this was going to end 0-0 to 0-0 so he called for the ball. Both sets of players seemed happy enough to take the draw and a replay is pencilled in for Friday evening.”
An emergency meeting has been hastily arranged tonight at Garvaghey to discuss the standard of football in the county. Attack-minded thinkers have been told to stay away.
Coalisland Baker Refuses To Bake Clonoe Couple’s Wedding Cake
No cakes, please
A Coalisland baker is standing by his decision not to bake a cake for a Clonoe couple, who are due to tie the knot in May 2016, citing irreparable sporting differences.
Locally known as James the Baker, the 48 year old business man maintains he’s prepared to go to the European Courts to defend his decision not to bake a cake with the iconic Clonoe black and white colours on the icing as well as a figurine on top of Kevin McCabe scoring a point in the All-Ireland final in 1986.
The devastated Clonoe couple, Paul Corr and Mary Quinn, have contacted a local solicitor to take the case as far as it can go. Corr, who once held the national record for hedge jumping, added:
“He’s some boy. Everyone knows James the Baker is the best baker in the land but he has gone down in my estimation now. I know he’s baked cakes for Stewartstown, Kildress, Omagh and even Dungannon couples…but not for his close neighbours in Clonoe? He can take it as gospel that no Clonoe man nor woman will set foot in his damned shop again. See you in court, James, ye Fianna hoor.”
James Tennyson, whose buns have been known to make people cry with happiness such is their deliciousness, remains defiant:
“My da would turn in his grave if he thought I was donning my cakes with the cursed black and white (spits) of Clonoe. I defend my right to bake my cakes on my terms. Feck the O’Rahilly’s. Yeeooo.”
Local politicians have decided to stay well clear of the issue in the run up to the up-coming elections.
Tyrone Man Banned From Reality TV After ‘The Voice’ Debacle
WARNING – THIS REPORT MAY CONTAIN BAD LANGUAGE, DEPENDING ON YOUR DISPOSITION
Morgan, from Cappagh
For the second time in two years, a Tyrone farmer has been escorted from the premises of a BBC building after verbally abusing judges in The Voice and tampering with the swinging chairs they sit on before turning around.
Paul Morgan (29), a budding pub-singer from Cappagh, was also involved in an incident during Strictly Come Dancing in 2013 when he kept shouting out scores a split second before the judges announced theirs, confusing the live audience and TV producers alike.
Morgan, who sang ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ in his audition for The Voice, became visibly irate as his song progressed at the fact that none of Tom Jones, Ricky Wilson, Rita Ora or will.i.am looked like turning around to signal their appreciation.
During the end of chorus lyrics:
‘Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven / I’ll come crawling on back to you.’
he added ‘yiz miserable bastards’ before giving all four contestants, who still had their backs to Morgan, the finger. Just as the music subsided, he added:
“Will yiz turn round yiz horrible c**ts”
which was bleeped out by quick-thinking BBC technicians.
Morgan repeatedly muttered ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’ during each judge’s speech about why they didn’t turn around for the Cappagh man before launching a torrent of abuse on Tom Jones for his ‘knicker collection’. He was soon escorted off the premises by five burly security men.
The mid-Tyrone man was later spotted tampering with bolts on the chairs in order to make them permanently stuck, facing away from the contestants so that no one could go through to the next round.
Morgan famously was evicted from the Strictly Come Dancing studios two years ago after annoying an entire audience, at home and in the crowd, by shouting out his scores a millisecond before judges such as Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli called theirs. Many celebrity contestants were left in tears, thinking they had scored a perfect 10 when it was really only a 5 or a 3.
Exclusive Interview With Glenelly Man – ‘The Loneliest Person On The Planet’
Peader Kearney
An 88-year old Glenelly man, who claims to be the loneliest man on the planet, revealed that he hasn’t spoken to anyone since 1986 until this interview today.
As I made my may to the quaint ramshackle home of Peader Kearney’s under the shadow of Slieve McCreesh, I couldn’t help but notice how the temperature dramatically dropped the closer we got to the Sperrin Mountains. From a balmy 12 degrees in Plumbridge, we were now negotiating temperatures of minus 14 as the truck carely weaved its way up Kearney’s loanan in the heart of Glenelly.
Although we had arranged the meeting by phone the previous day, we had to knock on his door for 20 minutes before he opened it and greeted my cameraman and I with
‘What the fcuk do ye want?’
I was now face to face with ‘Glenelly Man’. Once inside, I was reminded of the pictures we looked at in our History books at the Christian Brothers’ School in Omagh of old shebeens in West Mayo around the turn of the 19th century. Some sticks were burning in the middle of the bare room as Peader delicately placed himself on a decrepid rocking chair, using a blunt pen knife to cut a small branch into what would surely be a sharp weapon. I asked him what he was doing, knowing full well he was preparing himself for catching some live food later in the day, maybe a salmon or small bear:
“Mind yer own fcukin business and I won’t be makin ye anything to ate either.”
Taking the opportunity to explore his surroundings as he worked on his spear-like killing machine, I couldn’t help but admire the idyllic lifestyle Kearney had embraced – away from electronic devices from mobile phones to microwaves.
A small stream quietly rippled along behind his back yard, its hushed tones in keeping with this little piece of paradise Kearney had embraced as his own. The unmistakeable sound of a corncrake warbled in the distance as rabbits and hares danced in unison on the north Tyrone horizon.
On returning to the house, Kearney was still in the same spot, still chipping away at the piece of wood which now resembled a small but lethal steel-sharp spear. Trying to find out what makes the man tick, I asked him if he missed talking and interacting with others – sharing experiences and deliberating over current affairs.
He looked me straight in the eye, grimaced slightly, scratched his beard and said:
“Shut the dur on the way out.”
As I pulled out of Kearney’s loanan, I knew I’d probably never see this great man again, a man at one with nature and himself. This instinct was confirmed when I saw Peader in the rear view mirror giving me the middle finger and shouting something before firing one of his tiny spears with pin-point accuracy at my tyre, bursting it instantly. I saw him smirk, offer another more modern hand gesture and slam his door shut.
I just drove on, smiling to myself that Peader Kearney had it all.
Drumquin Man Caught Legally Driving Last Night. Parents Distraught.
Tyres in deadly condition
A Drumquin man’s family is blaming modern society after their son was caught with insurance, tax and MOT certificates, good tyres as well as a full tank of clean diesel.
Jeremy Maguire, a 26 year old joiner with no convictions since 2008, was stopped by police whilst travelling at 34 mph on the Dregish Road at 9pm on Sunday night for a random spot-check.
Onlookers described confusing scenes as police officers were seen nodding their heads in approval while rifling through documents and joking with the driver, at one stage giving a high five to the ex-Drumquin full back soon after the diesel was dipped.
Maguire’s father Pat, who did time for driving a pick-up with no tyres in 1988, admitted he felt ashamed walking around the local Spar this morning:
“People just kept staring or shaking their heads. I bought The Irish News, a pint of semi-skimmed and three apples and was charged £8.33. Everyone just stood there ready to light on me if I questioned the tally so I just paid it in silence and dandered out a broken man. Our Jeremy has always been a bit strange – filling up the windscreen washer regularly with the correct stuff and all.”
Mrs Maguire, who refused to be officially interviewed, blamed modern society on her son’s tendency to stick to the rules and has warned other parents to be careful of the dangers of YouTube and social media.
PSNI confirmed this evening that a car was stopped last night in the Dregish area and given the all-clear following a stringent spot-check including an emissions test.
Madonna Twitter Row Sees East and West Tyrone Relations Plummet To All-Time Low
Incident divided Tyrone
What started out as a harmless comment on Twitter concerning Madonna’s fall at an awards ceremony during the week has turned nasty with a clear West v East split emerging from the online spat.
Omagh teacher Pat Dougan (@horseitintoye) initiated the debate when he innocently tweeted
“Holy smokes, Madonna fell there on the TV”
at 9:45 on Wednesday night. Within minutes, tension escalated quickly when Mary Farrell (@badgerlass) from Brocagh replied at 9:46:
@horseitintoye Nice comment there, Mr Obvious
Unable to ignore the slight, Dougan retorted:
@badgerlass How about you learn some manners, ye prick
Which led to the following dialogue:
@horseitintoye – Ah, shut up ye grumpy oul bollocks
@badgerlass – You’re some girl. Typical Brocagh woman
@horseitintoye – Say it til my face ye slabber
@badgerlass – Yiz are all the same down there. Tramps.
@horseitintoye I’ll go up there and bate the bollix off a ye
@badgerlass – aye, in yer horse and cart. Don’t bring yer diseases please
@horseitintoye – aye, yer ma is yer sister, dick. Westie pansy.
@badgerlass – stupid hoor.
The high-stakes dialogue continued until after midnight with over 300 twitter users weighing in behind either Dougan or Farrell, with landmarks (e.g. Ardboe Cross v the Tin Men), footballers (e.g. Frank McGuigan v Ryan McMenamin), politicians (e.g.Michelle O’Neill v Barry McElduff) petrol prices and weather all used as weapons in the heated exchanges.
With no let up in the argument the following morning, and amidst threats of ‘arriving up with a crowd of our ones‘ from both sides, Twitter was moved to suspend over 700 accounts from the county for 24 hours in order to dampen emotions and calm the situation.
The Tyrone Tourism Board are to meet this evening to brainstorm ideas on how to repair east v west relations, with a ‘sharing and exchange of home-made gifts’ somewhere near the Ballygawley roundabout the firm favourite.
New Irish-Speaking Section In Healy Park Opens Floodgates For New Minority Sections
plumber section
With the news that a special area of Healy Park is to be designated for Irish speakers for this weekend’s Tyrone/Derry game, over 12 other sections are now under consideration after a raft of applications were submitted, inspired by the initiative of Coirnéal na Gaeilge to promote the use of the Irish language at gaelic games.
Already granted permission for later league games are a Portuguese section, plumber section, gay and lesbian section, section for those earning over £100’000 per annum, ex-prisoner section, Lithuanian section and an area set aside for people from Urney.
Awaiting confirmation are the solicitor section, an area for people recovering from man-flu, undertakers section, a section for children with more than 5 school detentions since 2013 and an area for animals.
Pat Quinn from Urney, a gay plumber who earns over £150’000 a year and possesses a Fáinne Óir (gold fáinne), is deliberating over which section to stand in:
“Officials told me that you cannot move between sections. So whichever one I pick out of the five sections I qualify for, I’ve to remain there for 70 minutes. This is a big decision.”
Healy Park officials have also stated that those in the ex-prisoner section will be in an area exempt from camera footage in case they’re not meant to be out yet. Also, farmers can only bring a maximum of 5 animals in order to dissuade conscientious farmers from bringing heavily pregnant livestock.
There was also confirmation tonight that Derry supporters will be in the new ‘keeping it in the family‘ section which will be available for this match only.
Shock And Anger Over Grimes/McKee Oscar Snub. Hedges Burnt.
Snubbed again in America
For the 19th consecutive year, many film aficionados across the county have resorted to violence after Donaghmore man Conor Grimes and his Coleraine comic compatriot Alan McKee were overlooked at the 87th Academy Awards ceremony in LA on Sunday night.
The Donaghmore Road was said to be ‘ablaze alright‘ after fans of the famous pair went on the rampage in Newmills, Pomeroy and in Grimes’ homeplace of Donaghmore, burning hedges and overturning apple-carts. In Coleraine, angry graffiti was daubed on a wall near the Diamond shopping centre including ‘you can stick your gongs up yer holes‘ and ‘for feck sake, lads‘
A friend of the pair informed us that this may be the last straw:
“We’re rightly hacked off, so we are. That’s 19 years running these lads have been overlooked. I wouldn’t be surprised if the two packed it in and went back to the undertaking. Grimes even changed his name from Connor to Conor in order to appease the American audience. It’s fixed so it is. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts haven’t a patch on these two.”
McKee reportedly purchased a blue tuxedo in The Moy at the weekend, ‘in case they FaceTime us as a surprise‘ he was heard telling shoppers. Grimes had reportedly been on a no-fry diet since last month and was said to be practising smiling and crying.
The pair, who are currently touring the country with their play ‘‘St Mungo’s Luganulk‘, were unavailable for comment although locals commented that Grimes appeared bleary eyed coming out of an off-licence in Dungannon at 2pm, having stayed up all night to watch the awards show with his loyal dog Malachi.
The news adds to a barren run at the Oscars for the Tyrone movie scene. The last trophy to reside in the county was in 1959 by Galbally director John ‘The Red’ Talbot whose 15-minute subtitled Short Film ‘The Dufflecoat Man’, which depicted a day in the life of a door-to-door pitch fork and rake seller in the area, won a whopping 13 awards.
Edendork Hall Yoga Classes Continue Despite Threat Of The Devil Turning Up
Despite warnings by Derry priest Fr Colhoun, Edendork Hall yoga-class teacher Marty Hurson maintains he will continue with his yoga class which attracts 64 women and 2 men.
Earlier in the week, Fr Colhoun claimed too much yoga could leave you one step away from sacrificing goats and stuff but, despite this, Hurson expects to see even more people turning up tonight:
“He has probably done me a good turn. I’ve had loads of women and men coming up to me this this asking if the divil will make an appearance if they do the yoga well. I can’t make assurances but you’d never know. There are a quare few divils knocking about these parts.”
added a shifty-eyed Hurson as he walked off, laughing menacingly.
Yoga fanatic Maureen Brooks (39) from Coalisland made no bones about the recent controversy which threatens to see yoga overtake line-dancing as Tyrone’s favourite past time:
“Well, I’m not scared. I’ve been at the yoga since 2004 and never once have I seen a man with horns running around the hall. I’ve seen plenty of men turning up to look at us women stretching but that’s not the same thing. Nearly, but not the same.”
Edendork Parish Priest Fr Goodwin addressed the issue from his pulpit this morning and appeared to have a slightly different take on the practice from his colleague from Derry. Fr Goodwin, who courted controversy a decade ago when he was spotted jumping up and down celebrating at a cock-fight which was filmed for BBC, told his flock:
“I had someone in confessions this week who panicked after what Colhoun said and began her confession with ‘Bless me father for I have slimmed.’ Let me assure you ladies, keep at the yogaing. There’s no better sight than women in leotards meditating quietly. I’ll be there again tonight adding my support.”
Edendork Yoga Class is sold out until April 2017.
Priests To Name And Shame Meat-Eaters After Ash Wednesday Raid In Landi’s, Coalisland
Probably doomed
Already compared to a professional military operation, priests in East Tyrone are said to be ecstatic after a successful under-cover sting in a chip shop in Coalisland unearthed 77 local church goers buying meat on Ash Wednesday.
Locals have reacted to the raid by stating they thought they were under no obligation to abstain from meat on a Wednesday, or any other day of the week apart from Fridays for the duration of Lent.
Billy Lyons, who ordered 4 cowboys suppers, 3 cheese burgers and a pastie bap, is furious that he was forced to change his order to 5 fish suppers:
“Bollocks to all that. I was looking forward to sausages and beans. But when Fr Foy jumped up from behind the counter, shaking his head and throwing holy water at me I had no choice. Catholic guilt is tara.”
Foy maintains he will read out all 77 names at Mass this Sunday as a warning to anyone else thinking about indulging in meat on Fridays for the next 6 weeks or so:
“The excuse about not knowing the meat rule on Ash Wednesday doesn’t wash. Everyone knows you fast that day to get the body used to no-meat Fridays. You should have seen the faces on some of the guilty parties I nabbed. Even Big Jim O’Neill and Pat Doris were caught out looking for kebabs and chicken wraps and them always first up the aisle for communion. Double standards and double burgers it seems.”
Vatican officials have pardoned the 77 meat orderers this evening and warned them that God wouldn’t tolerate another lapse before Easter Sunday, threatening a plague of parking wardens to the town if the offence was repeated.
Tyrone’s Happiest Care Home Admits Mistakenly Giving E-Joints To Elderly Smokers
A West Tyrone elderly care home have confirmed there will be a thorough investigation after chain-smoking pensioners, who wished to kick the habit, were given e-cigarettes with cannabis trace since February 2013. Subsequently, the National Care Home Awards Committee have taken back the trophy Strabane Last Legs Care Home won for the ‘happiest residents’ section for two years running.
E-cigarettes, or personal vaporisers, are a battery-powered device used mostly by those who wish to kick the smoking habit. Strabane Last Legs Care Home were lauded as pioneers in elderly smoking cessation initiatives after they introduced the e-cigs onto their premises for their 64-strong smoking residents.
Care home owner Mrs Donnelly admits it all makes sense now:
“I did struggle with understanding the change in atmosphere since we introduced the e-cigarettes back in 2013. General moaning was almost completely wiped out and even the grumpiest were smiling away at nothing. Little did we know that all 64 smokers were off their heads on marijuana.”
Although Donnelly was unwilling to identify the name of her supplier, she did admit they were bought off the back of a white van with a Monaghan reg near Clady.
The National Care Home Awards Committee will re-run the competition after admitting they were also a bit bewildered by the mood in Last Legs:
“We couldn’t believe how happy these people were. There were 95-year-olds up dancing to Bob Marley music and eating crisps and sweets. How were we to know that they had been spliffing away like terrors? I even heard a pensioner tell one of the workers to ‘chill out, man’ after he wouldn’t take his bath at the designated time.”
Strabane Last Legs Care Home revealed they have decommissioned the e-cigs and have buried them on a hill near Beragh.
Stiffer Laws On Daddy Pancake Tossing Called For After Series Of Disasters Across County
Pancake straight into face
Following 62 calls to emergency services since 8am this morning, there have been calls for a Pancake Tossing Bill in order to prevent excited fathers showing off and scalding half the family as well as causing irreparable damage to ceilings and tiles.
The South Tyrone Ambulance Services revealed they spent £300 on diesel today dealing with incidents with their first call-out a 8:01 calamity in Clonoe when plumber Caoimhim Taggart lost all his hair after excitedly tossing a boiling pancake with too much cooking oil on it on top of his head, burning what was once ‘a striking shock of ginger curls’ according to his laughing wife.
Local Independent politician Leo Kennedy confirmed he will bring this up in Stormont the next time he’s allowed to talk:
“I was called out to a house in Brocagh where a man refused to stop tossing even through he’s burned 9 holes in the ceiling. His 9 starving children were all crying and begging him to stop but the male ego is a forceful phenomenon. I think there should be a licence for men to toss pancakes, only granted after a 6-week intensive course.”
44 of the calls were for piping hot pancakes straight into the face.
Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday as the elderly call it, dates back to 1933 when the parish priest of Galbally Fr Johnson told parishioners he had a vision one night that God appeared to him to say that eating pancakes before Lent was a sure-fire way of entering the gates of heaven as long as you gave up something like cursing or winking at married women for the duration of the 40-day fasting period.
It later emerged that Fr Johnson was a shareholder in Irwin’s Bread.
Sorry Scenes As Cumberbatch And Cooper Argue Over Being On Front Cover Of Mid-Ulster Focus Magazine
Who will Mr Corr pick?
In the run up to the Oscars, two Hollywood stars who have been nominated for Best Actor have been involved in an ugly social media argument over who should appear on the front cover of this month’s Mid-Ulster Focus magazine.
Benedict Cumberbatch (The Imitation Game) and Bradley Cooper (American Sniper) locked horns on Twitter after Tom Hanks suggested it would be a good time for any awardee to appear on the front cover of the latest edition of the mid-Ulster based publication with the Oscars coming up on the 22nd February in California.
Cumberbatch, who made his name as Sherlock Holmes on the BBC, claimed he was a massive fan of Cookstown Sausages and often daydreams of walking along the Coalisland Canal, adding that it would be a dream come true to appear on the front cover of Mid-Ulster Focus and that he was a far out relation of the Corr clan from the area.
Cooper appeared to be alerted by his people of Cumberbatch’s tweet and was quick to retort:
“Away a that a ye Cumberbatch. You wouldn’t know a Cookstown Sausage from a Stewartstown Steak. #chancer.”
before adding three minutes later:
“The Oscars should be held up at Tullyhogue Fort. Such a lovely place. #lovemidulsterfocus #lovemrcorr.”
Disappointingly, the Twitter war descended into a personal slanging match with Cooper calling Cumberbatch ‘Benny Cucumberbitch’ and Cumberbatch retorting repeatedly with the ‘#hangover-was-shite’ hashtag.
At the moment of writing, Mid-Ulster Focus has yet to reveal who they will have on the front cover of their magazine in the run up to the Oscars later in the month, adding that ‘it’ll probably be Mid-Ulster related‘.
You can download a copy of Mid-Ulster Focus for £1 from here – http://midulsterfocus.com/
or click here
Tyrone Tribulations 