37 Shades Of Tattyreagh Documentary A Commercial Success
An ambitious project to capture romantic liaisons in Tattyreagh has been hailed as a masterpiece after the documentary ’37 Shades of Tattyreagh’ premiered in Omagh last night.
Tattyreagh, a sleepy townland on the outskirts of Omagh, has long been hailed as the Tyrone equivalent of the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival, with countless tales of marital bliss from those born and bred in the area.
In the documentary, Tattyreagh women were asked to describe what a typical romantic clench with their partner would involve, with camera crews capturing the most intimate moments for the director Barry Moran.
Susie McCabe, a 48 year old wax therapist described her bedroom antics:
“At well Pat would come in to the bedroom around 11, covered in engine oil, peel off the dungarees and just say ‘brace yourself, woman‘. It never really veers off that plot-line really. And sure, it works for me. 3 minutes later I’m back to reading The Reader’s Digest and he’s rambling on about clutches and brake pads.”
Although the camera crew caught one of the embraces, their faces were fuzzed out, keeping McCabe’s identity secret.
The women of Tattyreagh were also lauded as romantically up there with the French as fly-on-the-wall cameras caught romantic moments in kitchens and bedrooms up and down the Letfern Road.
One of the most emotional moments involved John Quinn coming home from work with a bunch of 8-day old flowers from a petrol station in order to make amends after their row over a burnt black pudding the morning. With tears in her eyes, as well as in the eyes of the cinema audience, Janet Quinn leads her husband up stairs as the camera fades out. All that can be heard is Mrs Quinn softly saying:
“Lob it into me, boss”
followed by a ‘yahooo’ from her husband, earning a round of applause from last night’s cinema goers.
37 Shades of Tattyreagh can be seen across many cinemas this week in the county, rated 18.
Moy Man Accused Of Feeding Armagh People Foraging For Food
Armagh people spotted near Charlemont
A Moy man, with suspected close connections to Armagh, has been spotted feeding young and old north Armagh residents who have crossed over into the Tyrone border foraging for breakfast and dinner.
Armagh folk, who appear to have struggled to adapt to buying and selling goods as well as general all-round basic human development, are still dependent on family members with excellent hunting skills to gather sustenance for the day – keeping alive a proud tradition dating right back to the Stone Age in the area.
Until recently, Armaghicans have restricted their plundering within their own county borders for over 6000 years. However, a growing population and cleverer wildlife have left them with no option but to look over the fence and to begin pilfering border areas such as the Moy and Eglish, angering the locals especially chicken and pig farmers.
Moy media man Colly McKill has denied leaving out scraps and whistling, before heading to bed:
“That’s just lies. I’m a whistler by nature. And if the bin men lifted the rubbish more often I wouldn’t have a bin overflowing with cakes and soda farls.”
When pressed, McKill admitted he has a romantic investment in County Armagh but was prepared to prove he wasn’t encouraging them to ravage South Tyrone for nourishment:
“OK, the wife is from across the border but I categorically deny feeding others. If you look outside you can see several man-traps primed to go off tonight in case they come raking around my land.”
Tyrone Charity Committee have organised an emergency meeting to discuss whether to aid their neighbours by setting free 8000 chickens, 5000 pigs and dropping hundreds of boxes of Tayto crisps in various points in the Orchard County.
Moortown Man Finds Out Real Age Of Wife By Counting Her Teeth After Watching Country File
A Moortown plasterer is in negotiations with his lawyer after it emerged his wife was far older than she said she was when they got married last year at a lavish ceremony near the Windmill.
Paul Quinn, who suspected his wife Alanna was not 31 as she said, came across the idea of counting her teeth whilst she slept after watching an episode of Country File which showed how farmers could estimate the age of their sheep by tallying their teeth.
A furious Quinn added:
“She has pulled the wool over my eyes. I had a fair idea she was older than 31 as she’d let a big ‘aaargghh’ out of her when she would get out of a chair or bed. So last night, whilst she slept, I got one of those surgeon lights for my head and a scalpel and sure enough, she has the teeth of a 60-65 year old. I’ve a big decision to make now.”
Quinn’s findings have placed women across the county on red alert as more suspicious men are predicted to follow the Moortown man’s lead and do some investigative work during the hours of darkness. An Ardboe child-minder told us:
“This is bad craic for us. I’m thinking of deploying mouse traps down the middle of the bed. My ma talked about super-glueing her mouth but that’s a bit mad I think.”
Meanwhile Quinn maintains he is aiming to employ a trough as a feeding destination for his 9 children after also seeing is successfully used on Country File last Sunday but rubbished rumours he is to use home-made human fertilizer for the garden.
“I Did Not Say It Was OK To Kick Derry Ones In The Balls” Says Pope
Cookstown, earlier
Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘.
Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.
Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:
“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”
When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:
“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”
Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.
Hundreds Of Retired Tyrone Teachers To Be Questioned Over Educational Mis-Diagnosis
Government officials have confirmed rumours that all living teachers who worked in schools between 1940-1990 in Tyrone are to be quizzed over language they used within classroom walls to describe pupils with ADHD, numeracy and literacy problems as well as those with minor learning difficulties.
The news comes after successful entrepreneur Paul Kelly (41) from Caledon sued St Judas’s PS for labelling him ‘deadly thick, like a plank‘ in a school report in 1983. Kelly was diagnosed as having ‘mild literacy problems’ recently and maintains his father ‘bate the lugs off him’ for being what his da called ‘slow in the head’.
“I used to write my ‘B’ and ‘D’ back to front, hinting I was on the dyslexic spectrum. Today I would receive extra help. Back then the Master called me ‘Kelly the Gob’ because that was how I spelt God. And it wasn’t just me. He called my numerically-challenged brother ‘fingers’ because he couldn’t count over 10. It really was inappropriate. We slashed his tyres in P7 but he deserved it. I’m earning more now than that bollocks ever did.”
Others have come forward with evidence of amateur diagnosis on school reports. Fergal O’Hanlon, a NASA rocket engineer from Loughmacrory, revealed he was told in 2003 that he had ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) as a child, causing his inattentiveness at crucial times during the school day. His report from 1977 remarked: “If Fergal continues to jump around on his seat during morning quiet reading time, I nail his useless feet to the floor. Otherwise, working well.”
O’Hanlon added:
“I couldn’t help myself. I had undiagnosed ADHD. The Master would get the heaviest lad to sit on me as punishment. Even that was wrong – him calling the lad ‘Fat Frank’. It turns out he had a glandular problem later in life which was why he couldn’t shift the weight as a youngster. I want compensation. And see that ‘quiet reading’? It lasted until his hangover cleared.”
Officials also announced the collection of brown pennies for ‘black babies’ was being looked at.
Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers
West Tyrone man?
Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.
Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.
In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:
“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”
The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:
“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”
There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.
3 Million Views Competition
To celebrate our 3 millionth view today, we are running a competition for one lucky reader to win:
a packet of beef Hula Hoops and a can of Lilt.
The question is:
If two people slowly lift each other off the ground at the same time, how long can they hover for together for before gravity kicks in and they both fall back to earth?
The answer to the nearest second wins.
Police Called To Annual Making Of St. Brigid’s Crosses At Brackaville
A police spokesman has confirmed tensions may still be simmering today after they were called to the Brackaville club last night to monitor their annual making of St Brigid’s Crosses which ‘cut up rough‘ according to sources.
An altercation occurred soon after 8pm when three men from Coalisland were accused of sabotaging the rushes by squirting glue on the massed bunch in the middle of the floor. Children were reportedly inconsolable at not being able to get rushes off their hands.
Event organiser Fr Talbot added:
“As soon as I saw them Coalisland lads arriving I knew there’d be trouble. You could smell the drink off them and they were smirking and winking and stuff. I’ve no doubt they were squirting glue on the pile. The ‘Island ones have always been jealous of our cross-making culture.”
Punches were thrown at around 9pm when all 388 crosses were put up for show for the annual ‘Best Cross Award’ which sees the winner receive a 3-night stay at Roughan Castle. Fr Talbot explained:
“It was disgraceful. When we hung them up there were artefacts that definitely were not St Brigid’s Crosses: four were rush swastikas and three were just the 2-finger salute. Another one said ‘Brackaville are cat’ and another one read ‘no to dog litter’. I couldn’t help myself so I knocked out one of the lads with broken chair. It sort of spiralled out of control after that.”
One of the Coalisland 3 was forcibly removed from the scene, shouting ‘yiz are nothing but a bunch of pagans anyway‘ to the bewildered Brackaville contingent.
The making of a Brigid’s Cross is thought be a pre-Christian tradition commemorating the goddess Brigid who was one of the Tuatha Dé Danann. A decision on this will be made tonight in The Ceili House pub between a bunch of local pagans and a clatter of clergy.
‘The Little Book Of Derrytresk’ Not Selling Well
Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.
The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:
“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”
Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:
“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”
Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:
“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “
The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.
Man Warns Frank Mitchell After Buying Snow Shovel and Bags Of Salt
McMahon, waiting
An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.
Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.
“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”
Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.
‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”
McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.
Tyrone Standing By Decision To Appoint Umpire With Turned-In Eyes
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.
The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.
Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.
First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:
“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”
Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.
Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.
Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel
by Aughoughilley Schniffles
A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.
The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.
Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.
In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.
Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.
Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.
When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,
“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”
Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.
Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:
‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.
A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.
West Tyrone Water Shortage Victims Were Beginning To Smell Like Derry Ones
Strabane plumber yesterday
The water crisis in West Tyrone had escalated to the extent that many friends and visitors of those affected were unable to tell the difference between them and Derry people, especially around Castlederg.
As the NI Water industrial action temporarily ends, enabling most homes to return to normal, baths and showers have been running freely again with many people returning unused Lynx and Soft & Gentle Roll-On deodorant to chemists.
During the height of the crisis, with rivers close to an unbearable temperature, many decided to hold out from a full body washing in the hope that the NI Water came to their senses and looked after its customers.
A cousin of one of those affected informed us:
“You’d have thought you were in Feeny or Dungiven or Maghera even. There was a wile smell of Derry off the Castlederg folk and it was quite confusing. It would be like sniffing a clove rock and smelling Brussels sprouts.”
One of those affected, Brian Furey, admitted he almost took home the wrong wife during a shopping expedition in the Spar in Claudy, Co Derry:
“There were a pile of women at the check-out and I normally can indentify my wife due to her neutral odour compared to the Derry women. But because of the water crisis she just blended in. I closed my eyes and luckily grabbed the right one.”
A 44-year old father of three in Strabane is still refusing to wash, claiming he is taking part in an experiment after he read somewhere in the Readers’ Digest in the 1980s that the human body cleans itself after three weeks anyway.
Tyrone Newspaper To Capitalize On Page 3 Gap In The Market
Cappagh man posing for The Tyrone Tabernacle
Following the news that The Sun newspaper have abandoned their Page 3 slot, a prominent Tyrone newspaper has moved to fill the gap in the market by using images of local tradesmen, bare-chested and staring provocatively at the camera.
Despite protestations from local religious groups and most women in general, the paper will reveal their first page three model at the weekend, rumoured to be either Barry McElduff or Owen Mulligan, depending on the results of an online poll compiled today on their website.
In a bid to attract potential male models, the editor of The Tyrone Tabernacle has promised not to be selective and will not insist on size-zero applicants. Tabernacle editor Leon Nolan told us:
“Tyrone women have traditionally yearned for the man who shows signs of having consumed a few pints over the years. It’s like a comfort thing I think, like a sausage supper on a cold night.”
Nolan revealed he has already received 522 photos from men across the county, hoping the exposure will see them land a woman by the end of the year.
“I know masculists will be up in arms over this but if there’s a market out there for plumbers, joiners and stove-fitters from 17-70 in the buff then so be it. We give people what they want. We promise to have their spanners, wrenches and hammers all on show.”
Fishermen will also be allowed to contribute as long as their rods are retractable, especially for close-up shops.
Tang Trucker Sacked From Fire Brigade After 2 Days For Issuing ‘Keep Her Lit’ Instructions
By our Monaghan Correspondent, Phil McCracken
Records were broken this week after a fire department employee was given his P45 in just 48 hours on the job due to dialectal differences which saw firemen pour fuel on the flames of a lorry as well as almost setting a depot on fire.
Monaghan firemen
Trevor Farrell successfully applied to the Monaghan Fire Brigade last June, becoming the first Tyrone man to work in this depot since the great fire of 1988 near Clones which was started by a fireman from Trillick.
Trevor explained why he applied in the first place:
“Here I had no notion of doing that aul DCPC shit (The Driver Certificate of Professional Competence for all professional bus, coach and lorry drivers), what a waste of time, boy. I saw that the fire department was taking people on so be Jaysus I applied for the post and didn’t I get the job”.
On Trevor’s second night of his new job his week, he was on phone duty when a call came in about a truck on fire out by Balls Cross.
“Oh be God I was all excited, lad. I was waiting on that call since I started the new job. I tell ya, if I hadn’t got that call I was going to start a fire myself. No point in having men sitting around doing feck all like. Anyway I called out to they rest of the lads to get the plant lit up and blow her for Balls Cross. Well Jaysus after the boys left I went outside to find every fecking shrub in the station garden on fire. I wonder to meself ‘what kind of thick glipes am I working with’.
Long serving fire officer David Boyle was on duty that night. He recalls:
“I was in the office when the call came in. Trevor told us to light the plants up and get to Balls Cross. Sure be Jaysus we thought that it was strange but we poured fuel over the plants and lit them and we were soon off to Balls Cross. Anyway we were half way out the road and that nutcase Trevor kept shouting down the two-way radio to “keep her lit boys, that road is clean and green”. Well never before did we here the likes of that. Sure for feck sake we had to stop by Foyles Filling Station to get drums of clean diesel and green diesel”.
Trevor had a different take on events:
“Ah be the Lord Jaysus the boys told me the were running five minutes behind because they had to stop to diesel up. What sort of bullocks doesn’t refuel the plant up when he comes back to the yard? I told them boys to get there quick and keep her lit until I got there”.
Fire Officer Jonathan O’Neill gave his views on the calamity:
“We wondered what kind of crazy dick that Trevor fella was. We radioed back to him that it was a Sawyers lorry on fire. All we could here from him was ‘oh Lord Jaysus lads, I’m on my way flat to the mat boys, I’ll keep her lit’. We never had to keep a fire lit before, and that man Trevor was on his way and he wanted to keep it lit so we started to pour the clean and green diesel over the lorry”.
Trevor remarked on his arrival at Balls Cross:
“Well feck me, how them thick runts got a job with the fire brigade is beyond me lad. Every fecking time the flames started to die down them crazy bastards put more fuel on that lorry, and they said it was my fault that lorry and fridge was burned to the ground”.
A disappointed Sawyers spokesperson added:
“Gutted boy, fucking gutted. I bet that Trevor fella worked with McBurnley Transport, fucking gutted.”
Sawyers Transport Lurgan has ordered a full investigation.
Garda in Monaghan also threw in their penny’s worth when adding:
“There won’t be an investigation because we don’t know if we should investigate the man that told them to keep her lit or the shower of savages that kept it lit”.
MJM Training confirmed that Sean is booked in next week to sit his DCPC.
Monaghan fire department revealed they have four officers off sick with burns after Trevor told them to ‘keep the toe on her boys’.
Cookstown Politician Comes Out As A Vegetarian
A Cookstown Councillor has today bravely announced to his constituency and beyond that he’s a full-blown vegetarian.
Brian Sheehy admitted his decision to come forward was inspired by recent politicians who have announced their own personal preferences on a range of issues from their favourite colour to sexuality.
Sheehy, fighting back the tears at a hastily-arranged press conference outside Margaritas Restaurant Wine and Cocktail Bar in sub-zero conditions, told us:
“I have to do this to kill the rumour-circuit concerning my dietary habits. Yes, it’s true – I’m a rampant vegetarian. I haven’t let a steak near my gob since 2003. Judge me if you want but I have faith in the Cookstown people that they won’t turn their backs on me just because I’m into lettuce and tomatoes.”
The scale of Sheehy’s predicament was brought home during the interview when a passing Ford Fiesta slowed down enough for a man to stick his head out and shout ‘go on ye big cauliflowerhead, suck a carrot’ in a strong East Tyrone accent.
A quivering Sheehy continued:
“If I lose votes on this, so be it. I can’t help it if I prefer a cucumber to a couple of tuna baps.”
The councillor added that he is most certainly not a vegan as he likes a glass of milk before bed and sometimes wears mink fur coats to church.
One-time voter Harry Quinn revealed he’ll not be voting for Sheehy again:
“That bollocks can go and shite. If a man turns down a ham shank in favour of a few tomatoes is not to be trusted with things like fixing roads and getting the broadband in.”
Other vegetarians are expected to come out from the shadows after this news.
Greencastle Report Flying Cows Again During Windy Spell. Hoax Says Dungannon Tech Students.
Residents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this.
Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.
Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:
“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”
Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.
The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.
Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.
Galbally to Finally Regulate Its Boxing Culture
By Mary Ann Jackson
Galbally 1944
There has been mixed reaction to the news that a new Boxing Club in Galbally is to open its fine facilities very shortly in a state of the art gym built by local volunteers.
Many “auld hands” in the area had expressed their opinion that the younger generation were “goin saft” before recalling with pride the many times they had engaged in the noble pugilist art bare-chested in the snow and the rain in the car parks of The Gap, Knocknamoe Hotel, along with the neighbouring Cookstown venues of the Glenavon and the Greenvale not to mention the bouts in the middle of the busy A5 at Garvaghey or the on the main Dublin Derry road at Main Street Emyvale.
Now after a number of very successful boxing nights in the local Community Centre, locals appear to have developed a “Grá” for the better conditions boxing under a roof and a surprising new attachment to rules and regulations.
One lady, who recently moved to Galbally under the impression it was a modern settlement full of metrosexual New Men, expressed surprise to learn that a Boxing Club was opening shortly, commenting:
“I thought the local lads were more into synchronised swimming and singing along to girly videos, going on what I’d been told.”
She later required medical intervention when it was explained to her that a few local lassies are also up for the fight.
Some Galbally men are not impressed that the local lads are to fight under the Queensbury rules, believing Stormont’s fingerprints are all over this. Founder Arthur Nugent confirmed that this was not the case.
Housewives Log-On As Paddy Heaney Joins Twitter
Dungannon and Omagh Techs have admitted a sudden surge in women looking to enrol in computer courses following the news that Ulster heart-throb Paddy Heaney has joined Twitter.
Heaney, who was voted ‘Rear of the Year’ for seven consecutive years at the Kildress Sports, signed up to Twitter by teasing his female following with a profile picture of him as a cheeky young lad playing for Carrickmore as well as an unidentified road scene.
34 year old Galbally woman Leona Kilpatrick reckons it’s a subliminal message:
“Paddy Heaney, to us women, is WB Yeats and Liam Neeson rolled into one. He has that dashing swagger coupled with words to melt a woman’s heart. That picture of the road – I think it means you can find the road to my heart if you look hard enough. He’s a bit like Willy Wonka doing this. I’ll be looking long and hard, mark my words.”
As of now, the Irish News’ Heaney has 400 followers, 388 of which are women aged 25-45. This has sparked a backlash from men across the province who have taken to switching off the wifi and confiscating the password.
Relationships guru Donglan Bogue explained this away as ‘pure jealousy’:
“It’s an open secret that GAA chairmen and their male members of club committees have been nervous about getting Heaney to speak at charity debates or opening pitches. Paddy has the same effect on women as Elvis would have had back in the 50s. Some say he’s the 5th Beatle. Others would have other words for him.”
Twitter have yet to confirm whether or not Heaney will receive a blue tick beside his name. If he does he joins Nadine Coyle as Derry blue tickers as Eoghan Quigg has yet to be recognised.
Moy Woman Warns ‘Tang’ Husband Over Love For His Scania V8
A Moy civil servant has publicly announced she will throw her husband out of the house if he continues his love affair for his Scania V8 and general ‘tang’ lifestyle. Kelly Trucker, who admits to once having a liking for life on the road, didn’t realise the extent of her husband’s love for the tang experience.
“It’s just embarrassing now. We had a Christening in Armagh to go to last week and Roger arrived in his Scania jacket, Ben Sherman shirt open to the naval with oil stains, gold necklace, brown belt, denims and his Super Hampton boots – the same clothes he slept in. This is not the silage cutter I fell in love with as a teenager. That’s just full-on tang.”
Kelly admits the breaking point came when he suggested a weekend away in Donegal.
“I was thinking he was being all romantic. As it turned out we…
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Tyrone Tribulations 