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Thousands Of Tyrone Women ‘Crosser Than Normal’ In Run Up To Clooney Wedding
Clooney – rejecting the women of Tyrone
The NI Anger Hotline have confirmed they received 492 calls from chastised husbands since Sunday after George Clooney confirmed he is to marry in Venice in a couple of weeks.
The 53-year old actor, who rivals Pope Francis, JFK and Paddy Heaney for room space on the mantelpieces in living rooms, was still considered an eligible bachelor by the majority of hopeful women in the county.
Tom Quinn, a Derrylaughan window fitter, fumed:
“Herself has been a bear since Clooney announced his intention to marry a girl in a fortnight. She’s snapping at everything and giving me dog’s abuse for even breathing. It’s a bit humiliating like. We’ve been married 14 years and she still thought she’d win him over by taking him to Derrylaughan for a feed and a few pints.”
Clooney, who once described Plumbridge as comparable to ‘roasting delicious white marshmallows‘, has been asked to reconsider his proposal by a couple of sisters in Clady:
“George’s head is cut. He’s marrying some oul blade who’s probably after his dough. What’s wrong with Clady women? Too good for them, Clooney? If he goes ahead with this then he’s just another selfish man and I’m destroying all my copies of ER and the Oceans films.”
PSNI have urged a bus load of Dungannon women not to travel to Venice to protest outside the ceremony. The 22-strong crowd have already booked a Chambers bus and plan to set out tomorrow with placards reading ‘Clooney, You’re Acting The Dick This Time’, ‘Don’t Do It George’ and ‘No Fracking Here’.
Anger In Parts Of Tyrone Over Frank Mitchell’s UTV Weather Watchers Snub
The George Clooney of Ulster – Derrytresk hater?
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
Is Nominative Determinism More Prevalent In Co. Tyrone Than Anywhere Else On Earth?
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Dennis Taylor – brilliant at taking up trousers
The phenomenon of nominative determinism – which describes the increased likelihood of choosing a profession as a result of being born to a particular surname – is currently being studied to see if location also has an impact on adult career choices.
A Tyrone Tribulations envoy met with Professor Johnny Pointless and his students at Oxford University’s sociology department, and hoped to prove that none other than our very own County Tyrone has the highest incidence of name-sake related jobs.
“It has long since been held that there is a strong link between one’s family name and the professional path people choose in life” professor Pointless told us, “even back to Shakespearean times. A look at some of the Co. Tyrone examples are quite remarkable, if true.”
Examples discussed included world famous golfer Darren Clarke, who spent his early years as a junior bookkeeper, training to be an accountant with a Dungannon firm. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods et al, Clarke decided in his early 20s that he wanted to explore another field.
Another Tyrone example was that Dennis Taylor had been a clothing alterations specialist at a formal dress-hire company in Dungannon. Taylor finally got fed up measuring lads for their school formals, and taking up trousers, so he decided to head for the dole queue. Soon he bridged the gap between Ireland and England, pocketing a fortune over the years.
Taylor did always however maintain contact with his protégé, local tv and radio star Malachi Cush, who himself was an all-Ireland snooker and pool underage champion. This example of nominative determinism explains why Taylor’s trousers were always impeccable during snooker tournaments.
Tyrone Tribulations also informed the Oxford team of the two brothers from Derrylaughan who have been running a very successful ‘Sahara animal trekking experience’ tour business along the romantic shores of Lough Neagh.
Following from their popularity, ‘Camel’s Riding School’ looks set to open for local kids parties this coming September. While Oxford pointed there were “parochial pronunciation issues at play” (Campbell versus Camel) this still did in fact qualify as a case where one’s surname had an influence on their paid profession.
Post and present Tyrone senior footballers and great friends Darren McCurry and Ryan (Ricey) McMenamin are opening a chain of Chinese takeaway restaurants in Dromore, with half and half a discounted special. This, also we are told, does qualify.
Other examples we raised with the team included former footballing greats such as Mickey Coleman, who has decided to put down his guitar and has stocked up on household fuels for the winter months. Chris and Stevie Lawn have obtained a franchise for a gardening firm and are presently seeking contracts round Moortown and Ardboe.
Former last gasp saviour and ‘keeper, John Devine is rumoured to be down in Maynooth in the early stages of becoming a deacon which was also accepted within the guidelines set primarily by the dictionary.
Stevie O’Neill being ‘a deadly man on a size five ball’ is not something the panel would accept at this stage, although we have arranged they be flown over to the next Clann na Gael training session to help reverse their decision on the 2005 Footballer of the year.
When we informed them of a postman in Coalisland called Pat, researchers confirmed that this was just an amusing coincidence and didn’t really qualify as nominative determinism. Also Mickey Harte, being universally loved all around the County, was “a totally separate matter… maybe if he was a surgeon or something” stated Pointless… little does he know we told him.
Following recent reports in the Irish News that proud gay boxing champion, and great fella, Junior Quinn from Clonoe wanted to be called ‘Queen’ again, Oxford’s boffins ruled this was just a pronunciation issue, “and again totally different to what we have been telling you all day.”
Also mentioned was Big Willie Anderson the Dungannon and Ireland rugby great who we said has tried to dismiss talk of some 1980s videotapes he made. Added to the disappointment that we could not produce the tapes, Pointless and his team indicated it would not have been counted anyway as Willie is a Christian name, not his family name, and ‘Big’ is an endearing term for the man because he is so well liked around his town.
While we await the final outcome to be announced, it can be confirmed that Tyrone is in the final two areas being reviewed. Also in the running are the Choctaw Indians of the USA, who actually do include an awful lot of real Indians.
False Alarm As Whales Washed Up On Lough Neagh Beach Are Just Two Local Men Bathing
Not a whale
Two Derrylaughan brothers, Kenny and Kieran McAliskey, were said to be a bit annoyed after they were mistaken for two whales which sparked an international environmental storm. Both have since signed up for Slimming World in Dungannon.
The global incident was first reported after dog-walker Malachy Hamill spotted the two carcasses on the shoreline at 10am down by the Washingbay, a former continental sunbathing resort. Hamill, who claims to have 20/20 vision despite his 77 years, immediately phoned the parish priest, Irish News and BBC NI with his findings before heading home to find his binoculars.
“I was afeard of approaching them in case they got angry. But they definitely looked like two hefty whales with blubber wobbling all over the place.”
Fr McKinstry was on the scene within minutes and began a rosary with 15 women who follow his car about, ‘for the safe return to America or wherever the beasts came from’ according to chief prayer Lisa Mullan. Mullan added:
“Then all of a sudden the whales got up and rubbed themselves with towels and got into the car. We thought it was a miracle and a rake of the women fainted. It was only after Kenny wound down the window as he passed by and called us a bunch of praying perverts that the penny dropped. I’m not sure what happened here but it might be a miracle. Fr McKinstry is building a whale grotto just in case the Vatican gives it the nod.”
Kenny McAliskey admits it’s a wake-up call:
“If there’s anything that will encourage you to lose weight it’s being reported by Wendy Austin on BBC Radio Ulster as resembling a whale. I sort of got my eyes opened there. We ate a lot of Chineses lately.”
Meanwhile Lough Neagh Rescue Centre have confirmed that it’s impossible for a whale to come up the Bann to the Lough.
Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People
A Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.
The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.
Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.
“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”
Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:
“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”
Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.
Clonoe’s ‘Talk To Your Animal’ Session Turns Sour
Clonoe man and dog discuss religion
The ‘Learn To Talk To Your Animals’ workshop at Clonoe Community Centre last night ended in chaos after many animals spoke back, criticising the standards of farming and general pet ownership. Rows erupted between man and beast as the PSNI arrived to control the chaotic scenes which included a savage brawl between a goat and a man from Derrylaughan.
Spiritual councillor Patricia McCabe admitted it was unlikely she’d attempt this session in the area again, which was initially meant to teach locals about animal communication by quietening the mind and focussing on your senses allowing you to listen more clearly to animals.
“Turned out the animals listened too well. There was a boy from Stewartstown who brought in a flock of sheep. After he spoke to them using my techniques, they rounded on him and called him (using sheep talk) ‘a lazy fat b***ard’ and ‘a drunken good for nothing wino”. It was when the fighting started that I realised my powers were deadly. A horse headbutted his owner from Cabragh after telling him the hay he fed her every day was covered in dung.”
Local dog owner and part-time magician, John McCabe, rued the day he set foot in the workshop:
“I wish I’d never listened to that woman. Now I can hear everything that mutt of mine is saying. Sure just this morning he jumped on my bed and started going on about the state of the room and saying oul dirty things about local women and all. Every bark is a complaint about something. It’s doing my head in. I’m going to another councillor to see if she can undo the animal-listening process.”
The PSNI admitted they were monitoring the situation and revealed their resources were stretched across Clonoe as farmers all over the parish spend most of the night out in their fields arguing with cattle, with skirmishes breaking out in Annaghmore, Derrytresk and Aughamullen.
Series Of Floods In East Tyrone Sees Locals Develop Fish-like Qualities
Artist’s impression of Loughshore man in 100 years
The prolonged flooding of fields and roads in East Tyrone has resulted in many residents gradually adopting fish-like characteristics such as having pouted lips and being deadly slippery.
Scientists have descended upon the area hoping to find definite signs of aquatic change, investigating a woman from Derrylaughan who has reportedly developed scaly leg syndrome. Professor Herbie McMahon, whose mother originates from Moy, is excited by the prospect:
“Yes, this is class news. I remember the bad floods in Derrytresk four years ago and I personally believe if it hadn’t dried out so soon back then we would have witnessed a whole batch of mermaids and mermen slapping about in that general area. I spent three days hiding in hedges and loanans watching them evolve from normal Derrytreskionians to half-man/half-salmon beings. The women too were pouting like mad and sucking in air, developing those trout-pouts celebrities pay for. One girl started eating worms. No one believes me though.”
Recently, the floods have shown signs of drying up with many fields below the M1 Tamnamore roundabout down to under 8 inches water depth. Prof McMahon insisted time is of the essence:
“We need to act now. There’ll be a few showers this week which will keep these people topped up. I’m told there’s a man developing gills in Brocagh. I also took a spin out to Ardboe this morning to watch the locals return from mass. Parishioners were flapping about all over the road and jumping in and out of streams. Ardboe ones would be slippery enough by nature but this is something else.”
The physical changes have come at a cost though as the predominantly fish-eating locals have begun eyeing each other up and licking their lips at one another whilst making threatening pot-stirring gestures.
Brocagh Man Mistakenly On World’s Most Dangerous Criminals Top 5
A Brocagh joiner was been taken off the World’s Most Dangerous Criminals top five list after an investigation into his reputation revealed only a minor offense in 1978.
Jack Davidson, who played full back in the Brocagh Primary School Cannon McNamee trophy winning side in 1975, reported to UN authorities a feeling that he was being spied upon for over 30 years by the American government ever since stealing a Mars Bar from Falls’ shop in the summer of 1978.
A relieved Davidson admitted:
“I’m just delighted this nightmare is over. People thought I was going mad when I told them men wearing dark shades and talking down their sleeves were following me wherever I went. Even at Brocagh Sports Day they’d be hiding in the lough, like scuba-spies or something. I don’t know how this happened. All I did was nick a Mars Bar to give to a blade I was going with from Derrylaughan. I was only 13 like.”
American officials admitted their error after an internal investigation revealed the words ‘stole a Mars Bar’ was mistakenly typed in as ‘international terrorist’. He has since left the company of Al Capone and Charles Manson in the all-time danger list.
“Yes, this is a cock-up. We’ve spent $1.3m following this man around Brocagh and the surrounding areas for 30 years now. All we ever got on him was the time in 1985 when he got tore into a bottle of Bushmills and ran naked through the fields of Ballybeg for a laugh. It was only him, a few cows and two of our men camouflaged in a tree. What a waste of money.”
Davidson took this opportunity to apologize again to Falls’ shop for the theft and offered to do odd jobs around the premises to make up for his indiscretion 36 years ago.
Loughshore Metal Detecting Man Despondent After Error
Scotch and Brennan
A flying metal detecting enthusiast was last night described as downbeat after he realised his plane was setting off his detector and not valuable artefacts under the moss around the loughshore, 1000 feet below the plane.
Jim Scotch, who has been on the hunt for archeological finds for many years, was convinced he was on to something big for the last year after his metal detector was bleeping furiously any time he took to the sky. Best friend and fellow historian Jack Brennan admitted it was a bit of a blow for Scotch:
“Aye, he’s a bit pissed off like. He had me convinced that there was some kind of metal ship or ancient city under the bog around Derrylaughan even though it made no sense from that distance up. He’d been flying every day over the area mapping where the bleeper was going off like mad and to be honest it was everywhere. That’s when the penny dropped with me.”
Brennan carefully approached Scotch about the possibility that it might be the plane setting off the detector and was met by a swift dig to the jaw.
“I think he was taking it out on me. 12 months down the drain, like.”
Scotch turned on the detector and found no evidence on metal under the bog whilst on foot and admitted his error after it bleeped non-stop when he went near his plane.
“He took it badly and cursed everyone, even the church. Then he tramped and jumped up and down on his detector, smashing it to pieces. I wouldn’t have minded normally, only I loaned him it. He even kicked his wee plane.”
Scotch was unavailable for comment.
Nudist Beach Planned For Washingbay
Buck naked bathing here soon
Secret documents filed in a filing cabinet in Derrylaughan have revealed that The Washingbay Restoration Committee have commenced discussions aimed at increasing tourism in East Tyrone. One of the most adventurous plans is to create a nudist beach down at the Washingbay, behind the Kevin Barry’s football field.
A committee member who wishes to remain nameless but goes by the name ‘Kennedy’ explained the thinking:
“Years ago, thousands would descend on these shores during the summer from faraway places like France, Bulgaria, America and Glenelly. Then the clergy started shouting about the fumbling going on at night in the cars as romantic couples courted to the backdrop of eels and pollans dancing in the Lough. Before long, the weeds had grown up and the potholes were ruining the lawnmowers. We want to restore the bay to its former beauty with a bit of a twist. Buck naked bathing.”
The first of its kind in Ireland, customers must abide by two rules:
- NO LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS
- NO SCRATCHING
Kennedy maintains this initiative could propel the county into the 21st century:
“If you go to America or Sweden, there bes people with nothing on them walking into bars and shops and stuff and no one bats an eyelid. If this goes ahead, Tyrone will be mentioned in the same breath as Los Angeles or Sydney. We just need to get the weeds cut down and drain the lough a little to create a bit more room around the edges. And import sand and perhaps use some of those big heaters you find in beer gardens.”
The approximate cost of a nudist beach runs into £400’000 but Kennedy confirmed he has a promise of half a million pounds from a few local businessmen, clergy and turf dealers if this proposal gets the green light.
Over-Consumption Of Turkey In Brocagh Sees Locals Display Turkey-Like Behaviour
Despite warnings from health officials and the clergy, the over-consumption of turkey in Brocagh has resulted in worrying side effects that many are calling irreversible.
In recent years, it was noticed that the average Brocagh adult consumed two full 12 lb turkeys over the space of four days around Christmas, more than double that of anyone anywhere on the planet. This year it appears that the average per person in the area was 2.5 turkeys, resulting in some unusual behaviour today.
Local shopkeeper Billy Dorman explained:
“Yes, there’s a definite side effect this year. The local lads seem to have developed a reddy skin thing drooping from their chin. I think the official name is the wattle. Ugly looking think. And when they see a good looking girl come in, it flares and goes all red, and their hair seems to fan and stand on end. Some sight when they’re just in looking for bread.”
Greenvale niteclub owner Kieran Hendron confirmed that Brocagh ones are unmistakeable on the dancefloor this Christmas:
“Aye, they strut. From the moment they arrive it’s like a pile of John Travoltas in the one place. With every step they cock their head forward and make a ‘gobble’ sort of noise. And with that wattle thing hanging from their bake…..”
Government health officials admitted that although the physical similarities are funny, a negative side-effect is the aggression. Two Derrylaughan men was set upon by a ‘rafter’ of skateboarding Brocagh lads down at the Washingbay when they eyed up one of their sisters. PSNI spokeswoman said the Brocagh gang emitted a high-pitched shrill indicating they were becoming aggressive which developed into intense sparring where the Broconians leap at them with the large, sharp talons, and tried to peck and grasp the head of the bewildered sons of Kevin Barry.
Chicken will only be sold in Brocagh tomorrow.
UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation
UN forces ‘on the tear’
Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.
Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:
“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session. We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”
Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:
“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”
Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.
Brocagh Turkeys Rebel Against Christmas
Rumours of a fowl rebellion in Brocagh was confirmed this morning after police admitted a potential full scale turkey revolt was probably beyond their level of expertise. After initial skepticism, Chief Inspector Gary O’Neill said this was not simply a case of Brocagh ones ‘imagining things again’, having experienced the riotous behaviour of a sizable gang of Ballybay turkeys at first hand:
“Yes, it is true – these boyos are out of control. When we got word in the station of reported animal upheavel in Brocagh we all rolled our eyes as the Brocagh ones have a habit of going a bit mad with animal and bird conspiracies. Don’t forget in 1989 they filed a complaint against the way Rod Hull was treating Emu. But this time they have a case. These turkeys are bucking mental.”
Inspector O’Neill confirmed espisodes of turkeys ‘going to the toilet’ on precious items such as Brocagh GAA bags, pecking and nipping at clergy and pretending to be swans when the butcher man came around.
“That shows a high level of intelligence. These turkeys know Christmas is approaching at that it’s time they met their maker. We’ve already received complaints of turkeys making the ‘slit throat’ sign to farmers, intimating that they’re going to turn the tables on the farmers this year.”
Brocagh Farmer Johnny Davidson admitted he hasn’t slept a wink in four weeks:
“I’m going out of my mind with fear. My wife says she saw a turkey winking at her through the bedroom window a few days ago in the middle of the night. What next eh? Drive by shootings or kidnappings? If the Derrylaughan turkeys get wind of this I fear for all munchies down here. This could be worse than the lignite threat in the 80s.”
Police have identified Terry the Turkey as a ringleader, describing him as ‘two-legged and feathered with a big ugly neck’.
New Crime Drama Set For Tyrone – “Get Off My Land”
Get Off My Land
Following on from the success of crime dramas such as The Sopranos, The Wire, The Fall, Breaking Bad and Love/Hate, a group of Tyrone acting enthusiasts have put together a script for a hard-hitting TV series set in Greencastle regarding the murky world of turf smuggling and the gang wars associated with it. Titled “Get Off My Land”, a gang of seven 20-somethings terrorize mid-Ulster by smuggling cheaper turf in from Derrylaughan and Carrickmore which burns longer than the local stuff. They are opposed by local bog men and things quickly spiral out of control with drive-by shootings and all sorts of carry-on.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to catch a glimpse of the script. Bad words have been hidden by asterisks and other buttons on the keyboard that aren’t used much:
Red Paddy: Where’s me f*&king money ye gope?
Jim: I don’t have it Red Pat. But I swear. I’ll have it next week. I just need two sods to do us this weekend
Red Paddy: I’ll blow yer f**kin head off ye clampit. Give me my five pounds.
Jim: Please, Red Pat. The wife’s giving me tara abuse about being foundered
Red Paddy: (lifts gun and shoots Jim in the foot) Take that ye f%%kin balax. Get off my land. (applause)
Declan Devlin who plays Red Paddy reckons this show will really put Tyrone on the international map:
“It’s a deadly show. We’re driving around in oul Toyota Corollas, terrifying the whole of Greencastle and beyond. You get to see lovely parts of the country like the Crockanboy Road and Mullydoo, albeit with bits of brains and dead bodies scattered all over the place. It’s a very realistic setting.”
A BBC spokesman has poured cold water on the initial excitment by admitting that it’s highly unlikely to make it onto the TV schedule:
“It’s just not all that believable. One of the episodes is called ‘A Fierce Charge of Drink’ where the main cast just sit all day in Eddies drinking Guinness and debating about ‘headin to Clones in the morning’. Then a group of girls from KIldress come in at about 11pm and they just start slagging each other about ‘tackling the one that looks like a cabbage’. I can’t see it being a big hit in London or New York to be honest.”
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Dark Secret Discovered In Derrylaughan
Derrylaughan, this morning
Top secret papers were today discovered in a bin near the Washingbay which suggest that a 100-year campaign of manufactured romances, courtships and marriages has resulted in 99% of children born in Derrylaughan having the perfect physical characteristics for stooling turf.
Although not as severe as the US and Nazi methods of ‘eugenics’ over 100 years ago which saw the sterilisation of people they thought were ‘weak’, it is clear that men or women who did not have good long arms and curved back for the bog had their romances sabotaged by all manner of skulduggery.
Susie McAliskey, a 67 year old spinster who now lives in California, claims it all makes sense now:
“Even though I was the prettiest girl in the area, I never seemed to be able to get a man. Any time I did a bit of flirting down at the club or in Falls’ Bar, the lad would mysteriously go home or disappear for a year or two. It happened nearly every time. One fella even told me he couldn’t go out with me as he heard I had a big moustache. I told him to look at me sure I had the smoothest skin in Ireland. He just ran away. Now I know that ‘the lads’ were sabotaging my chances by having a word in the ear of any potential suitors. All because I hadn’t the perfect features for stooling turf.”
The secret papers reveal that parents were asked to identify children who weren’t good at stooling so that the Derrylaughan Betterment Committee could keep an eye that they didn’t strike up any courtships within the townland. Suspected Ex-committee member Barney Taggert claims it’s an exaggeration.
“The fact that nearly every child born here has the perfectly bent spine and long arms is simply down to the diet here of pollans and cabbage. Nothing sinister there. Susie McAliskey did have a moustache by the way. It was blonde so it was mostly camouflaged.”
The documents have been passed on to the United Nations who have reiterated they’re not afraid to send in troops to stop this practice.
Early reports suggest that almost three thousand 18-20 year olds with straight backs and normal arms were ‘encouraged’ to leave Derrylaughan, settling in England, Australia, USA or closer to Coalisland since 1920.
Tyrone ‘School Of Plastering’ Opens In Kildress To Improve Spreading Standards
A finished job in Cappagh
In order to combat the sharp decline in plastering skills in the county, the Tyrone County Council have opened a School of Plastering in Kildress which will teach youngsters who aspire to be plasterers the basic skills in the trade. The move comes after a series of street protests all over the county complaining about the cowboy spreading jobs being carried out in most new developments.
Peter Carney, a plasterer from Clonoe with 44 years experience, fully supports the new school:
“It has been a long time coming. I stopped taking on apprentices after a series of unbelievable mishaps last year. I took on a team of young lads from Brocagh and Derrylaughan for a big job in the Moy. Never again. I told one of them to scratch a wall for me. I came back an hour later and he was literally scratching a wall with his fingernails the way you’d scratch a cat. The poor fellow’s fingers were dripping with blood. Another boy was using the bible as a straight edge.”
Jack Kelly (61) from Galbally added:
“I took a nephew from Greencastle on last month. He arrived with what he thought were the tools needed. He brought a rubber duck (plastic float), a pet budgie (hawk) and a towel (trowel). And his da’s a spark too. I told him to go out and get a scratching tool and he came with nothing but a worried face and said ‘sure I can scratch ye’. I’d have been better off taking my ma with me and she’s 97 and deaf but a damn decent spread.”
So far 300 have signed up for the Plastering Summer School with the first week’s topic “How To Use A Darby” already in progress. Mary Farrell, a mother to 7 teenage sons, says all her lads will be attending:
“It was either that of the Gaeltacht. There’ll be plenty of time for curtin’ when they’re older so it’s off to the spreading school for them. There’ll be no curtin’ there hopefully.”
A place on the Spreading Degree course costs £300 and runs for 6 weeks.
Council Plan To Spend Entire Aborted A5 Road Budget On ‘Deadly Session’ For Tyrone
Bono for Tyrone?
By Shengas McGlumphie
Leaked plans from a source within Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have revealed that the Council is planning to spend the £400m budget, originally earmarked for the A5 road extension, on a huge party for the 150,000 lucky residents in Tyrone. An anonymous source told us:
“We were going to get the money taken away anyway so we might as well use it on something. We’ve not done the sums yet on how much it works out at per resident because our calculators don’t go to enough decimal places, but it should be the price of a whole clatter of pints for every man, woman and child”.
The original expectation was that the funds would be withdrawn and used elsewhere in Ireland or the EC for other projects. However, the source said that officials discovered that they can re-classify the £400m expense from ‘A5 Road multi-million pound upgrade’ into a category called ‘Miscellaneous Expenses’ without anyone noticing.
Plans are already underway to have a one-day celebration of all that is good about Tyrone, including Irish dancing, bull-fighting, tyre-kicking, dwarf wrestling, diffing, laundering, slagging, passing down clothes and St Bridgid’s Cross weaving. The leaked 10-point document outlines the plans for the event which will be organised by the Council, expected to take place mid-August:
- ‘Mad Musical Spectacular’, better than Band Aid. Featuring band made up of Bono, Philomena Begley, Paul McCartney and Dennis Taylor. Follow up with charity recording The Mountains of Pomeroy, featuring Sting on the spoons. Get Lady Gaga if Philomena not available.
- Derrylaughan to be re-classified as 2013 City of Culture. Persuade people in Derry that them getting it was an admin error.
- Get Derrylaughan re-classified as a City
- Free Moy Park chicken for every Tyrone resident. Utility bill as proof of address required. Cookstown Sausages instead for any vegetarians.
- ‘All Star Football’ featuring 1986 Tyrone versus the 1966 England World Cup Team
- Fly Pope and entourage over for the day as special guest of honour. Use Easyjet to keep cost down but agree to pay for Easyjet Meal Deal for Pope only, to include sandwich, Pringles and bar of chocolate of His Holiness’s choice.
- A lock of pints for every resident. Get Costcutters to do a deal.
- Free sick bag for every family.
- Bulldoze Asda in Cookstown. Build 3,000-foot statue of Peter Canavan.
- Bribe BBC producers for Tyrone to feature on ‘Lesser Spotted Ulster’ every week for next 5 years
The day will be hosted by Ant or Dec, whichever is cheaper.
Loughshore Children Being Sent To School With ‘Turf Sandwiches’, Happily.
A Derrylaughan grandfather brings home treats
A BBC documentary on economic hardships in Ireland has uncovered a previously hidden phenomenon surrounding the eating habits of youngsters going to Brocagh, Aughamullan and Kingsisland schools. The TV show initially wanted to focus on emigration in the area after it emerged that the entire Derrytresk football team are moving to the States soon. However, they soon discovered, by accident, that primary and some secondary school children are being reared on turf in order to beat the recession’s effect in the east of the county. Executive producer Scunthorpe Kilpatrick was taken aback by the discovery:
“We knew something was up when we filmed a few homes going about their normal daily routines. At lunch time, the majority of families appeared to be boiling large industrial pots of what looked like a mixture of moss and turf, slapping it on to plates. After eating, I noticed the children had really black teeth for a while. When we asked what it was they were eating, they passed it off as ‘pate’ which turned out in standard English to be ‘peat’. They were stewing it, boiling it, frying it, baking it, toasting it and sometimes just snacking on it raw. They seemed quite happy.”
It wasn’t until they filmed the children in school that they became aware of the dependance on the natural commodity.
“Even though there were plenty of options in the canteens like lasagne, Haribos or burgers, the children seemed to prefer the turf sandwiches. It appears that what initially seemed like an effort to cut costs is now a staple diet by choice. It’s quite remarkable. I’ve seen children dander out up the ramparts, sit down and chew away on the banks. It’s like a real-life Willy Wonka story.”
Local historian, Felix Hughes, claims it’s the circle of life:
“Every 100 years ago, people down this way rediscover the delicacy that is lowland turf. This usually lasts for about 10 years or so until they go too far and start drinking the water in the ditches and someone gets an awful dose of the skitter. But that’s another five years away in this cycle.”
Hughes was quick to point out that the turf is for local consumption only and that anyone seen trying to eat the turf from foreign places like Coagh, Eskra or Portugal will be shot from a distance with an air rifle.
Derrylaughan Caught Training Lough Neagh Midges In Cramped Conditions
The Midge Army
Rumours of skulduggery in Derrylaughan were finally confirmed tonight as a police raid uncovered a midge-training camp on the shores of Lough Neagh. Neighbouring townlands had long suspected something untoward was going on down at the Washingbay, especially when it came to taking on the Kevin Barry’s football team in their patch. The PSNI pounced upon a disused barn at the corner and on kicking the door down found an estimated 900’000 midges being put through their paces by older members of the GAA club. Constable Molloy explained:
“We’d been receiving these complaints for years that the midges down there were attacking opposition players and supporters during games yet strangely none of the home crowd. We always put it down to the locals there having a distinctive odour which naturally repelled the creatures. Well, it turns out that things are much more sinister than that. We uncovered an evil training regime where the midges, living in what can be described as inhumane conditions, were being cajoled into attacking members of the opposition. This was achieved by watching videos of opposing players and making the midges fly straight into the TV screen by rubbing the screen with fish oil. Come match day and the tired and emotional midges were automatically biting away at the opposition in their colours.”
Further investigations were underway regarding the deployment of the bigger flies experienced down there, locally called the ‘pollan fly’, named after the fish distinctive to the Lough. Early signs indicate that special fertiliser was being used to make them bigger, offering the locals a quick, free and relatively tasty snack during these times of high unemployment and near-poverty.
“Yes, it appears that they’ve been getting the pollan flies to eat steroids. That’s why they’re so big this year and scaring non-locals from the area. The Derrylaughan folk have taken to eating the flies as a filler between meals. We’ve no qualms about their entrepreneurialship but we’ll have to start taxing them. You can’t just get food for free. It’ll kill businesses like Falls’ Shop or Springisland. I’ve seen lads freewheeling down hills with their mouths open, getting a bellyful of pollan flies instead of a wholesome meal at home. It cannot be good for you in the long term.”
Five Midges’ Rights activists will protest tomorrow night at the Washingbay against the cruel captivity of nearly a million midges. Reports this morning also suggest that a renegade group of midges have broken away and are causing havoc elsewhere.
Tyrone Tribulations 