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Colin Farrell Set To Play Hugo Duncan In Movie, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’
Hugo
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Unconfirmed rumours continued to spread yesterday that Colin Farrell has signed up to play the part of Hugo Duncan in a Hollywood biopic about the wee man from Strabane.
Self-appointed publicist and unofficial theatrical agent Fergal McCaffrey from Ballinderry said,
“We just about had Tom Cruise lined up see, because Tom’s a wee fella just like Hugo. But then we told him about Hugo’s 70s band ‘The Tall Men’, and he started getting cold feet. It was probably the thought of having to wear draughty built-up shoes. And he was getting all uppity, wanting to play Hugo with an American accent and changing his occupation from deadly singer to deadly assassin, which is stretching the truth a bit. The final straw came when he wanted the name of the character changed from Uncle Hugo to Godfather Hugo, and play him as this sort of evil character dispensing despair and misery wherever he goes. Jays, I know Hugo’s recorded a few dodgy tracks but that’s going a bit far. Some clift thon Tom Cruise. Although he was great in ‘Forrest Gump”.
He continued,
“Colin Farrell said he’d do it straight away. If he hadn’t accepted then we still had a couple of other options, although casting one of the Jedwards as Hugo would have needed an awful lot of make-up”.
Comments from sources close to Farrell in Dublin suggested that the critically-acclaimed Dublin-born actor jumped at the part and was eager to get into character as soon as possible, although it is believed he may have got Hugo Duncan mixed up with Hugh Hefner, the flamboyant billionaire and creator of the Playboy empire.
Farrell
If made, the gritty movie is expected to be given an ‘18’ adult certificate, as it is likely to contain original footage of Duncan dressed up as Britney Spears for the BBC’s 2006 Children in Need.
“Aye, this is going to be a no-holds-barred movie, the good the bad and the ugly”, said McCaffrey. “I’ve watched that Children in Need tape. The audience are going to need a strong stomach boys. And I thought ‘The Exorcist’ was bad”.
Entitled, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’, the movie is set to chart the rise of Duncan throughout his career as singer and performer, as well as his radio and television career.
“This stuff is dynamite”, said an excited McCaffrey. “It’ll be almost identical to that Robbie Williams film ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ except without the guns, explosions, politics, war, fights, planes, uniforms and scenery. Think ‘Cocoon’ but with music and dancing and suchlike. Mighty”.
As at last night, there were further rumours that Sandra Bullock was in talks to play the part of Lynette Fay.
Strabane Man In Dog-House Over Series Of Broken Vacuum Cleaners
Vacuum Cleaner no.3
Strabane was today said to be in the grips of marital tension after it emerged that a local joiner had broken the 4th vacuum cleaner in the space of 12 months in his house, leaving his wife ‘pure rippin’ and ‘not remotely amused’.
John McElhinnion (47) finally admitted he has some kind of a curse over him when it comes to vacuum cleaners and has pledged to use brooms and brushes from now on if his wife, Sally, allows him back into the house. Cousin, neighbour and confidante, Cherelle McVicker, revealed Sally (64) is in no mood to see the funny side of the matter:
“She went clean mad, so she did. You could hear her roaring at him from half a mile away. I took a shoot down to see what the commotion was and managed to witness poor John being kicked up and down their driveway with the broken cleaner wrapped around his neck.”
Sally, this evening, was not in the form to find a resolution to the fall-out:
“He’s just a glipe so he is. I told him after the last one broke that I’d kill him if he broke another one, him and his big flipping shovel hands and clown feet. He tried to surprise me by hoovering the kitchen yesterday before I came home. I arrived to find the machine on fire and the hoover-head of it smashed right through the patio doors.”
John admits he has a mental block when it comes to vacuum cleaners but has finally learnt his lesson:
“That’s it now. Me and vacuum cleaners will never get on. Four in a year is some record though I still maintain if she didn’t get them knock-off ones for a score in Nutt’s Corner it’d be a fair battle between me and the machine. I’ll be sweeping for the foreseeable future.”
Meanwhile, Strabane Council have rejected claims they are to merge with Clady to form Strady.
US Government Demand Words ‘Deadly’ and ‘Lethal’ Be Outlawed In Tyrone
En route to Strabane
White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
Parishioners Queuing Already For Sunday Mass In Strabane
Queue for bus in Ardboe
Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.
Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:
“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”
In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.
Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:
“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”
Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.
Storms Blew Things Across Atlantic To Tyrone Including Old People
Pensioners take off from States
With the news that a Canadian bird has landed in a lough in Tyrone after been forced over by storms, more people have come forward with other artefacts blown from across the Atlantic, including pensioners.
The Pacific Diver bird which was spotted in Lough Fea appears to have opened the floodgates as people now realise where the new things in their area have come from. Leo Daly, a fitter from Eglish, was one of the first to come forward with evidence:
“The news of that bird made the penny drop. Last week I went out the lift the milk one morning and I spotted two female pensioners sitting on top of my shed. I shouted for them to get down and they told me they had no idea where they were in these mad American accents. I just shrugged it off as one of those things.”
Pensioners were also spotted flying through the sky in Strabane, Newtownstewart, Sion Mills and Aghyaran. Scientist Pat Morgan explained this phenomenon:
“Old people are remarkably light and resilient. I myself have witnessed pensioners in The Moy being lifted 40-45 feet across a road on a good gusty day. In America it’s probably more common and relatives turn a blind eye to it as the elderly have an incredible homing ability when lost. 3000 miles is a long oul jaunt I suppose.”
The storm theory also solves the overnight appearance of a McDonalds with Canadians inside it in a field in Clonoe. Locals simply put it down to the unstoppable globalisation of the fast food brand until the customers finally emerged and started playing ice hockey down the Washingbay Road.
Authorities have warned locals not to be keeping any people blown over here and mysteriously claiming for dependents.
Tanning Studio In Strabane Closed Down Following Customer Complaints
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A controversial retail outlet which opened in Strabane last week was temporarily closed by health officials on Monday pending an investigation into lack of safety practices and potential impropriety.
‘The Tan in Strabane’, a tanning studio in Urney Road, owned and operated by farmer Eamon Nugent, was investigated by trading standard officials from Omagh following numerous complaints.
Nugent defended his shop putting it down to what he called ‘teething troubles’.
“I’ve been in the tanning industry a long time”, he said. “Twice to Benidorm and a week in Bundoran last July during that boiling hot spell. Mighty. There’s not much I don’t know about getting a tan”.
Customers have accused the services of falling far below their expectations, including the ‘Super Deluxe All-Over Tanning Booth’, which consisted of Toner in a pair of dungarees holding two roller brushes and a bucket of what apparently looked suspiciously like creosote.
“Creosote? How dare you. Not in my establishment”, bristled Nugent. “I use nothing but the finest products. Anyway, if it was good enough for 200 yards of timber fence, it’s good enough for some of the wemin round these parts. Thon last coat went on in 2008 and it still looks like new. What are they complaining about?”
Other complaints relate to the ‘Nail & Beauty Bar’, consisting of a pair of pliers, a wire brush, and some sandpaper. Nugent was also accused of over-charging a generously-proportioned customer for a tanning session on account of her size.
“Aye, she was a big unit all right”, admitted Nugent. “I told her that because of the extra beef on her she’d get charged more so I slapped on an extra tenner. Materials aren’t free you know. Should have charged her per square foot. I’d have made a buckin’ fortune”.
Trading standards official Ronan Docherty, said,
“What are people playing at anyway, trying to get tan round these parts? It’s hardly Donaghmore is it? They’re not wise in Strabane. They’re trying to compete with all these Europeans types that have moved here when everyone knows that Strabane people can do two colours – tomato or snow. Half them ones that went to that shop would get burnt looking a picture of the moon. Eejits”.
The salon is closed until further notice.
Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies
Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink
Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.
When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.
The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:
- The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
- Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
- Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
- Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals
Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:
“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”
Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:
- Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
- Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
- Reclaim Ballinderry
- Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
- Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms
The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.
Sinister New Group ‘IDLA’ Form In West Tyrone To Oppose Benefit Cuts
Government officials are said to be on high alert after a shadowy phone-call from a group calling themselves the West Tyrone Independent Disability Living Allowance (IDLA) announced they will resist a tightening on fraudulent payouts by whatever means necessary.
The news that benefits in some cases are to be reassessed came after a Strabane man, who was claiming incapacity benefit for a sore back, was caught moonlighting as a bare-knuckle cage boxer in the lucrative underground fighting ring in Clady. Jon McElhinna defended his position:
“I never said I was incapacitated at night. The cold air seems to work wonders on the muscles. I’m only incapacitated during the day and I’m not giving up my £300 a week. No siree.”
IDLA have also sworn to stand up for any benefit cuts, including the case against Donemana’s Mary McClean who had failed to declare her life-long partner and executive banker, Cyron, as a resident. Hurson defended her position by declaring:
“No he doesn’t live here. Yes, he arrives at 7am for breakfast and yes I make him his lunch-time salad. And yes, he does kiss me at the door as he leaves and yes returns at 6pm for a bit of lunch and tells me about his day before putting the children to bed and yes falling asleep on the TV whilst watching cooking programmes. But he doesn’t live here. Anyway, I’m bisexual.”
The IDLA say they’ll let the tyres down on anyone who looks like someone from Belfast carrying a clipboard walking up driveways.
Meanwhile Barry McElduff has endorsed a Christmas single to be released by the balaclava-ed IDLA called ‘Keep er Lit’, a direct attack on the proposed cuts being made to households who earn over £100’000 per annum and who claim for heating allowance.
Riot At Spud Convention In Cappagh. Priest Sent For.
Man collecting pitters, purdees, poundies or praties?
The annual County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society Convention was abandoned yesterday after police and priests were unable to contain a mass brawl in Cappagh Hall. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen men and women ‘throwing deadly slaps’ and ‘clodding spuds’ at each other after a disagreement over the correct local pronunciation of the potato.
Current County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society chairperson Mary Nolan (68) was not in the mood for a peaceful resolution:
“Them there loughshore ones and go and buck. I’ve never heard of people calling spuds ‘pitters’. Pitters? Everyone knows it ‘purdees’. It was always purdees going back to the 1800s because I was there. And the Strabane ones can bugger off too. Their representative started going on about ‘poundies’. Sure that’s a completely different sort of dish. The westies and the easties couldn’t handle the truth and started boxing and slapping. Well, us Cappaghonians didn’t take it lying down so they got a few hard purdees up their gobs for their troubles.”
Nolan confirmed that they have officially changed their name to the County Tyrone Purdee Appreciation Society much to the annoyance of Washingbay rep Johnny Corr (77):
“Well, if that’s true I’d like to announce the formation of the Continuity Pitter Society. Anyone can sign up, even disaffected purdee people. We will make sure the local spud is called by its correct title. I’d also like to extend a hand of friendship to the new Strabane militant group, The Real Poundie Association. Together we can crush the Purdees. Up the Pitters.”
Fr Henry McAteer, who was called to the scene of the riot, recommended a time of reflection and cool heads:
“This is an emotive issue in Tyrone. The correct pronunciation has hampered us for centuries. It threatened to derail the 1798 rebellion in Tyrone after a massive fallout between the Brocagh and Aghyaran ones over a plate of spuds. I’m prepared to act as peacemaker and suggest we call them praties from now on.”
Fr McAteer has since been chased back to Maynooth.
Controversial Plan Underway To Privatise Broadcaster Hugo Duncan
Moy Park Hugo?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
An announcement was made yesterday in Stormont confirming plans that Hugo Duncan, one of Ulster’s most celebrated performers and presenters, is likely to be privatised.
Following the successful privatisation of the Post Office just last week, proponents of the hare-brained scheme are now keen to move forward as quickly as possible.
“Thon Hugo Duncan is an institution in Northern Ireland, same as the Post Office is”, said local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann. “So let’s get the wee man from Strabane privatised and be done with. He’s a national treasure, so he’ll be worth a lock of pounds. We’ll make a buckin’ fortune”.
McMann believes there are substantial gains to be made for those willing to invest, and in particular those interested in sponsorship.
“Aye, we expect to get as much as £10m from corporate sponsors, although he might have to make a few tiny concessions. Like changing his name. If we can get some big brands interested he might have to get rid of the Uncle Hugo and change it to something like Ikea Hugo or Moy Park Hugo or Femfresh Hugo or Springisland Duncan. But it’s a small price to pay. When Hugo sees the cheque he’ll be riding the pig’s back hi. A big ‘Tayto’ tattoo plastered all over his forehead won’t be a problem”.
However, opponents of the proposal were far from happy. 46-year old velcro-fastener Kevin Doris from Clogher, said,
“Hugo’s Strabane’s answer to Tony Blackburn. There’s no-one like him. He belongs to the people. Take him into private ownership and in no time we’ll be listening to hophip music and disco rap and suchlike”.
The Strabane-born singer and broadcaster has already attracted interest from potential investors who have indicated they may be willing to invest as much as £1,000 for every ‘skiddly dee’, or up to £4m for a year’s sponsorship of ‘die diddly’.
If a sell-off were to be successful, discussions are already underway on whether Lynette Fay could be floated on the Stock Exchange.
Strabane Dentist Complains About ‘Worst Teeth In Europe’
Mr Sion Mills, 1998
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A dentist in the county has warned that unless dental health in Tyrone improves, he will move from the area and set up elsewhere.
Stephen McAdam, a dentist who has been operating a dental surgery in Strabane since 1998, said that he has had enough of dealing with diseased gums, decayed teeth, and morning-after breath.
“And that’s just the children”, complained McAdam. “The adults are even worse. You should see some of the ones coming into the surgery here in Strabane. They look like they’ve been eating coal their teeth are that bad. It would give you the heave. One boy who was in last week made Shane McGowan out the Pogues looks like the Colgate Kid. It’s a disgrace. I’ve had enough. Does no-one use a toothbrush these days? I’m fed up with picking bits of turkey out that have been there since last Christmas”.
The stressed dentist went on,
“It’s not just the teeth. I could contend with that. But it’s the breath as well. Has no-one heard of mouthwash? Some of the time I have to wear one of thon bio-suits like they wear when someone’s been slaughtered off the TV. I’m feckin’ swelterin’ in it. It’s beyond a joke. I had this wemin in last week from Edendork and she hit me with the worse halitosis I’ve ever smelt. And that was before she even got out her car. It was like something had died in her mouth. My eyes are waterin’ just thinking about it. I told her to go home and eat as much garlic, out-of-date eggs and fish as she could. It won’t cure the bad breath, but it might calm it down a bit. What are these people eating?”
McAdam claims he is virtually at breaking point.
“I had a lad in the chair from Sion Mills last week. I could hardly face it. I’ve never seen crooked teeth like it. He could have eaten a sandwich through a letterbox. Has no-one got decent gnashers or dental implants round here? I’ve heard them ones in Donaghmore have got lovely gobs, like the Americans. I’ve had enough. Much more of this and I’m going to start charging by the tooth”.
Grand Theft Auto Ardboe “Too Realistic” For Public Consumption
Grand Theft Auto, the controversial video game which sees players take on the role of criminals and work their way through the ranks within gangland warfare, has admitted that they made a grave error trying to replicate the trials and tribulations of the Ardboe Underground.
Early reports of French, Chinese and American teenagers taking weeks off school to recover after playing only three hours of GTA Ardboe has not gone down well with its executives and media watchdogs across the globe. Issues such as diesel laundering, poteen making, bru-dodging, eel-breeding and general codology has proven to be a step too far for hardcore gamers from Florida to Finland.
Francois LeMan, a 17-year old Parisian hardcore hood, found it hard to talk about his psychological condition:
“Sacre Bleu. These Ardboe ones are, how do you say it in Ireland, ‘mad hoors’. You breed mad deadly eels. I don’t play games any more. I’m off to Lourdes.”
Level two of GTA Ardboe, which sees the game-player indulge in tractor-diffing and stealing neighbour’s gates on Halloween night, was described by high ranking American officials as ‘complete mind-numbing depravity’. A spokesman for President Obama admitted:
“Yes, Barack did play it to see what the fuss was. He loved the ‘Slabberin At Moortown Ones’ level but thought the ‘Using Cooking Oil As Fuel’ task was too unrealistic.”
GTA Urney has also been discontinued because of its ‘Takin The Head Clane Off Strabane Sigerson Full Forwards’ level.
Tyrone’s Controversial Wind Turbines To Have Number Of Blades Doubled
Pomeroy, earlier
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Controversial plans to double the number of blades on the county’s numerous wind turbines have been met with dismay by many concerned residents.
Leaked documents from the Ordnance Survey Department and Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed that the customary three blades will be doubled to six, under a scheme to convert all of them by June 2014.
“That’s right”, said Councillor Enda McMann. “If we double the blades, we double the speed. That much is obvious. Those massive yolks will just be a blur. Like the propellers on an airyplane. Mighty”.
However, opponents of the programme have produced what they say is incontrovertible evidence that the entire county is already slowly being pushed westwards by the collective power of the ever-increasing number of wind turbines.
Killyclogher businessman and self-appointed community spokesman Terence McNabb, demanded answers.
“You wouldn’t believe it. Tyrone has nearly a thousand of these feckin’ things. On a windy day you can feel the whole county shaking. It’s definitely on the move. You can get sea sick if you’re not careful. Strabane definitely isn’t where it used to be.”
Kevin McGinty, a pig therapist from Coagh, concurred with the findings.
“We drove to Bundoran for the weekend there and it took us two hours to get there on Friday afternoon. When we left just two days later at midnight on Sunday it only took us 90 minutes. Explain that. Tyrone’s definitely getting closer to the coast. At this rate we’ll be in effin Americay. We’ll all be speaking with funny accents and eating burgers and saying ‘talk to the hands’ and suchlike. Something needs to be done”.
Ever-keen to jump on the populist bandwagon, and showing barely the flimsiest grasps of the most basic facts, McNabb said,
“Them wind turbines is already a nuisance without making it worse. It must take a whole lock of electrical power to get thon massive blades turning and for what? To make the place look cuter? They cost a fortune so they do. They’re not cost-effective. If we made them solar-powered they might be a bit cheaper to run. They shouldn’t have gone up in the first place”.
Meanwhile, Dungannon & South Tyrone issued a pamphlet to all households throughout the county asking everyone to play their part in trying to improve the recent poor weather by ‘doing whatever you can to prevent a warm front from meeting a cold front’.
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Strabane Man Thinks Queen Of England Is ‘Not Bad Looking’
Bacon’s mam
Strabane residents are today trying to get their heads around last night’s revelation by the popular ex-referee Barney Gallagher who came out and confirmed he has a bit of a notion of the Queen of England and that it has been going on since the 1970s. ‘Bacon’ Gallagher, a talented musician and one of the most ruthless refs on the ladies footballing circuit, was rumbled when his fellow band members noticed he would mistakenly slip in ‘Liz’, ‘Lizzy’ or ‘Beth’ to traditional Irish love ballads during gigs across the country.
Long time friend and fellow warbler, Ronald Stafford, claims it all makes sense now:
“We’d always joked about how Barney kept millions of stamps in his pockets and the way he’d take ages licking them. It was a bit odd. Little did we know that he was getting a kick from it. He’s the last man I’d suspect to have fallen for oul Windsor. Then I recalled the way he’d pretend to have forgotten lyrics. Just last week he sang “I’ll take you home again, Lizzy” and I swear I saw his eye glisten. He needs his head seen til”.
Gallagher came clean last night after he was caught humming God save the Queen during the instrumental bit of the Galtee Mountain Boy.
“OK, I admit it. But come on, surely you can all see it. That cheeky glint in her eye, the way she glides up and down Buckin Ham, that irresistible figure. I even went to see her at Cashel that time she was over, dressed as a Sion Mills woman. You don’t understand how hard it is for me to come out. Every time I sing the Mountains of Pomeroy, it’s for my Liz”.
Fellow band members are holding a meeting to decide whether Bacon can still perform the likes of ‘Sean South’ whilst harbouring his notion for Elizabeth.
East Tyrone Council To Spray Foul-Mouthed Locals With Blue Paint
Three Boys Caught In Donaghmore Today
Following the successful implementation of the Strabane Dog-Fouling Initiative where dog excrement is to be sprayed pink in order to shame the dog-owners, East Tyrone Council have gone one step further and have warned that anyone heard coming out with bad language could be sprayed blue on the spot.
Paddy Jake Cushnahan, Council Chairman, explained the initiative:
“We’re sick and tired with people cursing around these parts. It has become part of the language now. I was at the Council Christmas Dinner and the waitress asked me if I wanted any f*ckin red sauce with my chips, and that was her asking nicely with a smile and all. Well, as from July 1st, if anyone is heard cursing anywhere from Ballygawley to Brocagh they run the risk of one of us jumping out of the hedge or wherever and spraying their heads with blue paint. That’ll shame them. Blue paint for blue language.”
Cushnahan claims that all households will receive a list of bad words that are punishable, as soon as they’ve finished compiling them:
“We’re nearly ready for printing it off now. So far we have 77 words including ‘b*llocks’, ‘sh*te’, ‘dungbag’, ‘oul b*stard’ or any type of b*stard really, ‘f*cker’, ‘f*ck sake’, ‘d*ckhead’, ‘clift’ and so on although clift is a controversial one. We need to stamp this stuff out. ‘Buckin’ is allowed.”
A blue headed mascot, called ‘No Need For That Oul Talk’, will be unveiled later in the week and he’ll be visiting schools and churches to spread the awareness of the new initiative. Anyone caught cursing will be fined £10 on the spot or £8 if they refuse to pay at all, as well as being sprayed with the blue paint that takes a week to come off. A trial run went badly last week in Cookstown when Fr Fay from Clonoe was sprayed blue for saying ‘Jaysus Christ’ at Drum Manor Forest Park. He had been practicing his prayers.
mascot
Obesity in Sion Mills On The Increase: 46% Of Residents Now Answering To ‘Lard Arse’
Sion man outside the Credit union last week
By Shengas McGlumphie
Sion Mills starts a ‘tough love’ campaign tomorrow aimed at dealing with the problem of adult obesity, after a survey showed that 46% of people in the area now answer to the name ‘Lard Arse’.
“It’s a real concern”, said Frankie Molloy, of the local group Sion Action which is spearheading the campaign to deal with the issue. “Walk down the Melmount Road and yell, ‘Hey Sumo, whit about ye hi?’, and a dozen people will turn round. It’s a proper obesity epidemic and we need to act now. And it’s not going to be nice”.
’Lard Arse’ came top of the list, with others following close behind including ‘Wide Load’, ‘Chubs’, ‘Chubby’, ‘Fats’, ‘Fat Boy Slim’, ‘Plumpers’ and ‘Plumpton’.
According to Golias.fr, 32-stone porker Sidney Clarke who works in the cricket club said,
“It’s becoming a real problem in the area. It used to be just me really, so if I was walking down the street and someone shouted ‘Salad Dodger’ or ‘Chair Crusher’, I knew it was me they were talking about. Now it could be any number of people. Everyone’s on the bandwagon. To be honest I feel like I’ve lost a bit of status. I quite liked being the only ‘Fat Lord’ or ‘Sweat Hog’. These days, it’s not clear who ate all the pies when people shout stuff out in the street, and it just causes confusion. I used to be ‘Lard of the Manor’. Not any more”.
Molloy says the action group has considered several ways to resolve the problem, one of which is to attribute specific nicknames to certain individuals.
“Someone like Sidney for example has always been called ‘Bloater’ even from when he was at school, so it’s a bit unkind that other heavyweights are muscling in on the name. There are only so many good quality nicknames for chubsters to go round”, pondered Molloy.
Asked whether resolving the name-calling issue was dealing more with the symptom rather than the problem of obesity itself, Molloy said
“Well it’s not as if we’re going to ask people to eat less, are we? Jaysus, we’re not fascists. Whatever next, telling them to exercise? They might act like that in Strabane but you won’t get sort of behaviour here. That’s just disrespecting the roly-polys. No, let’s show some dignity by giving them their own nicknames. Personally, I like ‘Aisle Blocker’ and ‘Buffet Slayer’. Oh, and ‘Large-and-in-Charge’”
Tyrone’s ‘Lion Thrills In Sion Mills’ Safari Park Opens To Mixed Reviews
Artist’s impression of Sion Mills dragon
By Shengas McGlumphie
Tyrone’s first safari park opened last weekend to much controversy about the lack of animals on display and mistreatment of some of the creatures. The 150 acre ‘Lion Thrills in Sion Mills’ Safari Park, which opened just a week ago, is based in Sion Mills close to Strabane, just off the Melmount Road. It is described on the website as being:
‘set in the lush savannah of the Tyrone grasslands where animals are free to roam in their natural habitat, bordered by the meandering Mourne River, the metropolis of Sion Mills, and the Strabane sewage works’.
There have however been numerous complaints from visitors.
“It’s a rip-off”, declared father-of-two Ronan Gormley of Coagh. “We drove about for nearly two hours and saw nothing other than some rabbits and a horse. Call that a safari park? It’s just a big field”.
The heavily promoted ‘Tyrone Zebra’ in particular brought severe criticism, which was described in the zoo’s literature as ‘A slightly rotund breed of zebra having distinctive elliptical or circular black and white markings unlike the striped pattern of its African cousin’.
“It was a fecking cow” said an irate Gormley. “Anyone could see that. Tyrone Zebra my arse. The park was bare”.
Owner and manager Malachy Mullan was quick to defend the park:
“What do you expect? By the time the tourists get here the animals are taking shelter from the sweltering heat of the midday Strabane sun. Too hot and bright for them in May, see? If people want to see the animals they should come back when it’s pitch black”.
Mary McCausland of Fintona was not convinced.
“The so-called ‘big cat’ looked an awful lot like a fat labrador with a big orange woolly scarf round its neck. It didn’t look happy. And anyone can buy an ostrich from that farm near Loughmacrory. It looked ill. It’s a disgrace”.
Mullan vigorously defended his record in the treatment of animals.
“I don’t mistreat animals. I’ve been donating to sick animals for years. I love the critters. They’re my life” said the adamant park-keeper, who also owns the Donaghmore slaughterhouse.
Doubt has also been cast over some of the creatures advertised, which include a white rhino, a ‘rare breed of dodo’ and a dragon.
Mullan also later admitted that the ‘sick animals’ he donated to were predominantly horses that he backed without success at Paddy Power in Strabane.
Greencastle, Kildress, Gortin & Donemana Call For Relocation Of Sperrins
Should I stay or should I go?
By Gombeen
Following on from yesterday’s news that Greencastle had tabled a motion at the Tyrone Congress that the Sperrins be moved from their present location, it has emerged that they have received vociferous backing from Kildress, Gortin and Donemana. In an added twist to the sensational developments, Glenelly, Strabane and Plumbridge have promised to fight tooth and nail to keep the mountain range exactly where it is for varying reasons. Donemana’s Richard O’Neill explains the stance of the four pro-removal townlands:
“Yousins in the rest of the county don’t know what it’s like to wake up til this giant thing towering over you everyday like big mad parent. Every buckin day. And what it is? A big hape of moss and bogland – useless to man and beast. They talk about the beauty of Mullaghcarn Mountain. It’d be damn well beautiful to me if it was sitting in Benburb or Trillick. And it’s freezing here. The sun can’t get at us. Sure you only have to look at the complexion of us indigenous peoples stretching the whole way across to Lissan. You’d think we’d been in solitary confinement all our lives with the gaunt skin and bags under the eyes. There’s so much we can’t see here – Portrush, the Aurora Borealis and the North Pole. It’s just not fair and another thing – there’s no drying at all here if the wind is coming from the north. That gigantic useless lump of turf blocks the whole thing. We’re calling on the Tyrone Sperrin Society to consider moving the range to the south west of the county of maybe abroad to Portygal or Egypt.”
Glenelly’s tourism spokesman, Eddie Parton, refutes the claims of the foursome:
“Listen, if them mountain glipes from Kildress hadn’t cut down all the trees 6000 years ago then it’d be a thing of beauty. They’ve greedily bogged the land out with their incessant burning of things. They’re always burning things down there. The Sperrins are crucial to tourism around these parts. Hikers usually try to go up them only to find it’s too wet and soggy and just freewheel down to here or to The Plum to buy coats and flasks and things. The Sperrins are here to stay I say. What about that lovely song concerning Slieve Gallion Brae:
My name is Joe McGarvey as you might understand
I come from Derryginnet and I own a farm of landAre there better lyrics on the planet than that opener?”
The four protagonists have been slow to distance themselves from a telephoned threat from a group calling themselves the Strabane Slashers to the tourism board warning that if the vote doesn’t go in favour of the removalists, they’ll blow the mountain range up anyway. Richard O’Neill added:
“We do not condone the use of explosives to rid ourselves of this monstrosity but let’s not get carried away. There’s worse things in the world than a couple of lads from Strabane blowing up the Sperrins.”
The Tyrone tourism board are to make a decision next week. They will also try to ask the Sperrins themselves by listening to the ground with a cocked ear.
Strabane Farmer Appears On Piers Morgan’s Life Stories By Mistake
Not Tom Hughes
An unfortunate error saw a whole one-hour show hosted by Piers Morgan dedicated to the life and times of Strabane pig farmer Tom Hughes, screened live to initially 7.3m viewers across the UK last night.
Morgan was slow to realise a mistake had been made and that Tom Hughes was not the Tom Cruise they had been preparing for since the Spring season line-up was announced shortly after Christmas.
Hughes, who was only in London that day to inspect a champion pot-bellied pig that a woman had been auctioning on Gumtree, had decided to kill a few hours by visiting the TV studios in the capital city:
“I was just dandering around the TV place when someone shouted if Tom Hughes was here yet. I presumed they’d heard I’d be in London as you know what Strabane people are like for the gossiping. I put my hand up and they ushered me onto the set and this boy started asking me questions about Top Gun and Mission Impossible. It was a bit odd for him to be quizzing me about that stuff and I just told him I’d never seen them at which the audience laughed heartily.”
The penny dropped when Hughes started talking about his love of mashed spuds and scallions and needing to get home before the Angelus came on the TV.
“The man then asked me if I was the real Tom Cruise atall and says I sure I’m Tom Hughes from Strabane, one of the Baker Hughes’ from Lifford originally. To be fair to him he kept on with the interview as it was apparently live and they’d spent over a million pounds making it. The audience fairly emptied though and the women who’d thrown their knickers at me as I came on to the set at the start retrieved their underwear sheepishly.”
Viewing figures plummeted during the second half of the show with only seven people watching as Hughes told of his love of scorching through Strabane in his Nissan Sunny with the soundtrack from The Matrix or Jaws playing full blast on the car radio, making him feel he was in the movies himself.
Morgan finished the interview, clearly embarrassed, by claiming that Hughes was possibly one of the most unhinged people he’d ever met.
Next week, Morgan interviews Bruno Tonioli.
Tyrone Tribulations 