Category Archives: Brocagh
Brocagh Man Mistakenly On World’s Most Dangerous Criminals Top 5
A Brocagh joiner was been taken off the World’s Most Dangerous Criminals top five list after an investigation into his reputation revealed only a minor offense in 1978.
Jack Davidson, who played full back in the Brocagh Primary School Cannon McNamee trophy winning side in 1975, reported to UN authorities a feeling that he was being spied upon for over 30 years by the American government ever since stealing a Mars Bar from Falls’ shop in the summer of 1978.
A relieved Davidson admitted:
“I’m just delighted this nightmare is over. People thought I was going mad when I told them men wearing dark shades and talking down their sleeves were following me wherever I went. Even at Brocagh Sports Day they’d be hiding in the lough, like scuba-spies or something. I don’t know how this happened. All I did was nick a Mars Bar to give to a blade I was going with from Derrylaughan. I was only 13 like.”
American officials admitted their error after an internal investigation revealed the words ‘stole a Mars Bar’ was mistakenly typed in as ‘international terrorist’. He has since left the company of Al Capone and Charles Manson in the all-time danger list.
“Yes, this is a cock-up. We’ve spent $1.3m following this man around Brocagh and the surrounding areas for 30 years now. All we ever got on him was the time in 1985 when he got tore into a bottle of Bushmills and ran naked through the fields of Ballybeg for a laugh. It was only him, a few cows and two of our men camouflaged in a tree. What a waste of money.”
Davidson took this opportunity to apologize again to Falls’ shop for the theft and offered to do odd jobs around the premises to make up for his indiscretion 36 years ago.
Diary Of Drumragh Full Back To Rival Mulligan Book On Shelves. Exclusive Extracts.
An explosive ‘warts and all’ publication by a Drumragh footballer is predicted to wipe the floor with Owen Mulligan’s best-seller ‘Mugsy’ when it is released this weekend in a shop near Tattyreagh. Barney McLoughlin’s ‘ She’s Mine, Boys‘ tells the story of a season in the full back position for one of Tyrone’s most famous clubs against the backdrop of his attempts to win the heart of local farmer girl who’s only related really far out.
In a coup for Tyrone Tribulations, McLoughlin has allowed us access to his sensational autobiography and we are in a privileged position to leak a couple of mind-boggling extracts to our readers.
Jan 15th
FIRST DAY OF TRAINING
Holy Jaysus I did some vomiting there. The boss made us do 2 laps of the field followed by 100 star jumps. We’re not used to this modern hi-tech stuff so the lads are a bit suspicious of boss Maguire. ‘He’s tramping us into shite’ said captain Toner half way through the first lap. We grin and bear it anyway and what keeps me going is the thought that Mary will be in the house treating my da’s veruca in her nurse’s uniform. Even when I’m throwing up I’m thinking of her thick black hair that seems to merge into her skin around her neck, back and front.
March 18th
AWAY TO BROCAGH
Some bating we took. I think it was 4-23 to 1-1 although the referee gave them everything. We might appeal but the boss always says that. My man scored 4-10. On the way home we had some craic and captain Toner mooned out the window at Owen Mulligan in his garden in Cookstown. As luck would have it, Mugsy was mooning at the exact same time to the Tyrone management team so he completely missed us. Mooning is great and bonds us all together or so Captain Toner says. He takes his trousers off a lot come to think of it.
JULY 19th
CHAMPIONSHIP DAY
Took some hiding from Dungannon. I think my man scored 5-12 but I was hung out to dry by the corner backs. I was glad to get home and Mary was treating my father’s bunions. I didn’t know he had any so I’m a bit suspicious now as he’s not related at all to her. I will buy a cord jacket and impress her.
DECEMBER 24TH
LAST LEAGUE GAME
Took a hiding from Fintona. My man scored 3-11 and was taken off at half time. Didn’t finish bottom though and we’re delighted about that. Christmas tomorrow. We all sang Christmas songs in the showers. Captain Toner went a bit far though and gave half the side a personal rendition of Santa Baby, in the nude. Came home to give Mary her present. Wore my cord jacket. Daddy had lipstick all over his face……
The rest of this riveting autobiography ‘She’s Mine, Boys‘ can be purchased for £19.99 at two or three decent bookstores.
Report Confirms Many People Still Working Their Way Through Christmas Food
Lunch in Edendork
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A study carried out yesterday by the Northern Ireland Institute of Studies confirmed that the majority of people in Tyrone continue to stuff themselves senseless in an effort to get through all the left-over Christmas food before it goes past its sell-by date.
“Christmas itself was bad enough, but this is beyond a joke”, complained 54-year old Nuala O’Neill from Brocagh, through a mouthful of Tesco’s ‘Taste The Difference’ Plum Pudding. “I nearly gave myself the boke after eating a dozen roast potatoes out the fridge that had been there since Boxing Day. To be honest they were completely rancid, but they needed eaten. Can’t have these things going to waste you know”.
Mary Gough from The Moy agreed.
“I ate half a Christmas cake last night and then found out it can last for years. That wasn’t great news after having worked my way through the last of the turkey. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey curry, turkey pasta, turkey stew, and turkey surprise. I eventually ran out of ideas and ended up making turkey meringue pie. Quite nice actually”.
“The worst of it is I just can’t get rid of the stuff”, complained Sean McKenna of Aughabrack. “Someone gave me a tin of Marks & Spencer All-Butter Shortbread as a Christmas present, so I gave it to my ma as a gift on Boxing Day. Turns out she gave it to her niece on New Year’s Eve, who gave it to her daughter on New Year’s Day, who then gave it back to me as a present at the weekend. Feckin’ cheapskates”.
Marian Quinn from Cappagh admitted:
“I sent my 7 year old cub to school with fifteen mince pies for his packed lunch. Only two days to go before the sell-by date, so they needed used up. I know he’s allergic to pastry, but sure, he’ll manage fine”.
32-stone half-man, half-spacehopper Sidney Clarke from Ballygawley, said,
“I found a couple of smoothies in the fridge my mum had left and if truth be told I was wanting a more healthy diet for the new year anyway, so I got tore into them. I never realised one was clotted cream and the other pure goose fat. Tara. I got through three Cadbury’s selection boxes getting rid of the taste though, so it wasn’t all bad”.
Over-Consumption Of Turkey In Brocagh Sees Locals Display Turkey-Like Behaviour
Despite warnings from health officials and the clergy, the over-consumption of turkey in Brocagh has resulted in worrying side effects that many are calling irreversible.
In recent years, it was noticed that the average Brocagh adult consumed two full 12 lb turkeys over the space of four days around Christmas, more than double that of anyone anywhere on the planet. This year it appears that the average per person in the area was 2.5 turkeys, resulting in some unusual behaviour today.
Local shopkeeper Billy Dorman explained:
“Yes, there’s a definite side effect this year. The local lads seem to have developed a reddy skin thing drooping from their chin. I think the official name is the wattle. Ugly looking think. And when they see a good looking girl come in, it flares and goes all red, and their hair seems to fan and stand on end. Some sight when they’re just in looking for bread.”
Greenvale niteclub owner Kieran Hendron confirmed that Brocagh ones are unmistakeable on the dancefloor this Christmas:
“Aye, they strut. From the moment they arrive it’s like a pile of John Travoltas in the one place. With every step they cock their head forward and make a ‘gobble’ sort of noise. And with that wattle thing hanging from their bake…..”
Government health officials admitted that although the physical similarities are funny, a negative side-effect is the aggression. Two Derrylaughan men was set upon by a ‘rafter’ of skateboarding Brocagh lads down at the Washingbay when they eyed up one of their sisters. PSNI spokeswoman said the Brocagh gang emitted a high-pitched shrill indicating they were becoming aggressive which developed into intense sparring where the Broconians leap at them with the large, sharp talons, and tried to peck and grasp the head of the bewildered sons of Kevin Barry.
Chicken will only be sold in Brocagh tomorrow.
UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation
UN forces ‘on the tear’
Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.
Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:
“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session. We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”
Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:
“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”
Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.
East Tyrone People Closely Related To Baboons
Artist’s impression of Washingbay man around 2000 years ago
Scientists in America have confirmed that recents tests show residents of East Tyrone are even more closely related to baboons than what had already been suspected. Professor Kenny Cullen, from the Institution of Biology and Genetics in Boston, spent five months in Ardboe after a year-long stay in Zambia. He is convinced that at around the time of Jesus, there were more baboons on the loughshore than humans.
“Yes, I’m totally convinced now. I enjoyed my time in Ardboe but I could easily have been in the jungles of Zambia and Tanzania. The similarities of the baboon community and everyone from Pomeroy eastwards was remarkably similar. Physically, both sets of males have powerful jaws, thick body hair and sharp teeth. The women on both sides have protruding buttocks which they use to impress the males, especially around Brocagh. That’s only the tip of the iceberg.”
The biological togetherness doesn’t end there. Prof Cullen also noticed a remarkable alikeness for behaviour:
“They both like running about aimlessly in open fields, hunting in packs for food at any time of day and night, eating a lot of fish and grass, and showing aggression by stripping their teeth and screaming or smacking their own lips. In Derrylaughan they beat their chests when not getting served in time in Falls’ shop or pub. It’s quite remarkable.”
Cullen admits that East Tyrone humans have evolved somewhat in order to fit into a more civilised world without shocking visitors from the west or other communities.
“Fortunately, the human variation has modified their behaviour somewhat. For example, the East Tyrone male does not attempt to woo a partner by grooming their target and eating any nits they find on her mane. One Coalisland human tried that at a disco in Cookstown and was met with a swift and painful handbag whelp across his face.”
Professor Cullen is to embark on another 10-years mission to discover the links between West Tyrone locals and wild feral dogs.
Brocagh Turkeys Rebel Against Christmas
Rumours of a fowl rebellion in Brocagh was confirmed this morning after police admitted a potential full scale turkey revolt was probably beyond their level of expertise. After initial skepticism, Chief Inspector Gary O’Neill said this was not simply a case of Brocagh ones ‘imagining things again’, having experienced the riotous behaviour of a sizable gang of Ballybay turkeys at first hand:
“Yes, it is true – these boyos are out of control. When we got word in the station of reported animal upheavel in Brocagh we all rolled our eyes as the Brocagh ones have a habit of going a bit mad with animal and bird conspiracies. Don’t forget in 1989 they filed a complaint against the way Rod Hull was treating Emu. But this time they have a case. These turkeys are bucking mental.”
Inspector O’Neill confirmed espisodes of turkeys ‘going to the toilet’ on precious items such as Brocagh GAA bags, pecking and nipping at clergy and pretending to be swans when the butcher man came around.
“That shows a high level of intelligence. These turkeys know Christmas is approaching at that it’s time they met their maker. We’ve already received complaints of turkeys making the ‘slit throat’ sign to farmers, intimating that they’re going to turn the tables on the farmers this year.”
Brocagh Farmer Johnny Davidson admitted he hasn’t slept a wink in four weeks:
“I’m going out of my mind with fear. My wife says she saw a turkey winking at her through the bedroom window a few days ago in the middle of the night. What next eh? Drive by shootings or kidnappings? If the Derrylaughan turkeys get wind of this I fear for all munchies down here. This could be worse than the lignite threat in the 80s.”
Police have identified Terry the Turkey as a ringleader, describing him as ‘two-legged and feathered with a big ugly neck’.
New Antifreeze For Cattle Not Selling Well Says Brocagh Entrepreneur
Brocagh cattle today
A new farming product on the local market has failed to sell even one unit after its release in most East Tyrone shops over the weekend. Brocagh inventor, Seamus Davidson (44), was said to be perplexed at the lack of sales and has asked shops to give it a week before burning their stock.
The product, “Coul Cows”, is an industrial antifreeze which is put into cattle feed in order to thaw them out in winter mornings, making them more productive for hard-up farmers across the county. It can also be injected straight into their rectum. Davidson explains:
“I was thinking that if it works for cars it’ll work for cattle. I just don’t understand why it’s not selling. These scaremongering scientists are saying that the chemical additive is pure poison and will kill within seconds but sure didn’t they say that smoking was OK years ago. People need to loosen up. The cattle will be in far better form and mooing away contently knowing they’ve digested their version of thermal underwear.”
Davidson is said to be most annoyed about the protest held outside Brocagh Stores, led by his own mother Frances Davidson:
“Our Seamus is a buck eejit. He has always treated cattle like motors. Years ago he was near arrested in Moortown for trying to insert a petrol nozzle into a cow’s backside at the fuel pumps. He’s always oiling their joints too with Gastrol GTX and bringing them into drive-thru car washes. Do not buy this product.”
Davidson has applied to appear on Dragons’ Den although animal rights activists have promised to wreck the BBC if he is given any air-time at all.
Brocagh Witch Laments Worst Halloween Ever
Brocagh Biddy
A witch from somewhere on the Ballybeg Road has pleaded with local children to up their game next year after what she claimed was ‘the worst night’s craic in decades’ around Brocagh.
The 300-year old hag, nicknamed Brocagh Biddy, blames computer games for the lack of devilment in today’s youngsters:
“That was cat. The young’uns now just dress up, ring about two doorbells and then head on home to get wired into their ipads or xboxs. Oh for the great Halloween nights of the 60s and 70s when lads would terrorise the elderly by knocking their windows or throw eggs at police cars. I remember watching a group of boys in 1981 chasing the local primary headmaster with a chainsaw through fields. How I laughed. And sure it was all a bit of fun and the master would forget about it after dishing out 6 of the best and 1000 lines on the Monday.”
The Brocagh Biddy also feels her days are numbered as she only managed to scare one victim yesterday:
“Yes, that is true. There’d be a lot of wemen down here who look a bit like me now, so no one bats an eyelid. I did manage to scare one fella outside Vivo and he dropped his eggs but I overhead him saying he thought it was his ex-wife back looking for more money. Not quite the same pleasure for me. It seems that a woman on a broom, cackling like a maniac and holding a cat, is just your run-of-the-mill Brocagh blade these days.”
Biddy confirmed that she might relocate to Ardboe were badness is alive and well on the Loughshore. A whole herd of cattle had lipstick painted on overnight whilst all the windows were removed from the Battery Bar.
Halloween ‘Destroyed’ As School Takes Health & Safety To Extremes
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Angry parents have complained to Dungannon Local Authority after a local primary school announced its plans for a ‘very safe Halloween’, which they say changes the annual October tradition virtually beyond all recognition.
Headmaster of Moy-based Clonless Primary School Aodhan Nugent said,
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ducking for apples is a dangerous activity. Children shoving their faces into water? I’m surprised no one’s been hurt. No. This stops now. They can bob in the basin, but there’ll be no water in it. Or apples for that matter. They might break their teeth on one. We’re going to use Flumps instead. ‘Flump-Bobbing’ ”.
Nugent continued enthusiastically,
“That’s not all. Trick or treating has had its day. Tricking people sets a terrible example to the children. We’ll still do it like, but instead of ‘Trick or Treat’, we’re going to call it ‘Treat or Another Treat’. We can’t risk weeans getting upset, can we?”
Parents vented their frustration at the reckless breaking of tradition.
“This Trick or Treat business has gone too far”, protested Seamus Devlin, a paper stapler from Brocagh. “When we were 8 years old we used to get a jib crane and hoist cows onto people’s roofs for feck’s sake, or take their gates off and throw them in the graveyard. It was hilarious. Everyone loved it. No-one got hurt. Well, maybe a couple of the cows. Turns out greenhouse roofs aren’t that strong”.
Nugent also decided that pumpkins will be replaced with balloons, and whilst children will not be allowed to draw scary faces on them, they may be allowed to draw what has been described as ‘slightly apprehensive’ faces. Nugent has said that they may even be allowed to blow some of the balloons up.
Scary stories have also been banned, in case it scares any of the children.
“The only scary story round here is that that eejit Nugent’s also going to be in charge of Christmas at the school”, said Devlin. “God only knows what he’ll do with that. Probably ban Christmas cake as a choking hazard, the bollix”.
Nugent confirmed earlier today that parents and pupils can still bring fireworks to the school’s evening Halloween celebrations, provided none of them get set off at any point.
Riot At Spud Convention In Cappagh. Priest Sent For.
Man collecting pitters, purdees, poundies or praties?
The annual County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society Convention was abandoned yesterday after police and priests were unable to contain a mass brawl in Cappagh Hall. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen men and women ‘throwing deadly slaps’ and ‘clodding spuds’ at each other after a disagreement over the correct local pronunciation of the potato.
Current County Tyrone Potato Appreciation Society chairperson Mary Nolan (68) was not in the mood for a peaceful resolution:
“Them there loughshore ones and go and buck. I’ve never heard of people calling spuds ‘pitters’. Pitters? Everyone knows it ‘purdees’. It was always purdees going back to the 1800s because I was there. And the Strabane ones can bugger off too. Their representative started going on about ‘poundies’. Sure that’s a completely different sort of dish. The westies and the easties couldn’t handle the truth and started boxing and slapping. Well, us Cappaghonians didn’t take it lying down so they got a few hard purdees up their gobs for their troubles.”
Nolan confirmed that they have officially changed their name to the County Tyrone Purdee Appreciation Society much to the annoyance of Washingbay rep Johnny Corr (77):
“Well, if that’s true I’d like to announce the formation of the Continuity Pitter Society. Anyone can sign up, even disaffected purdee people. We will make sure the local spud is called by its correct title. I’d also like to extend a hand of friendship to the new Strabane militant group, The Real Poundie Association. Together we can crush the Purdees. Up the Pitters.”
Fr Henry McAteer, who was called to the scene of the riot, recommended a time of reflection and cool heads:
“This is an emotive issue in Tyrone. The correct pronunciation has hampered us for centuries. It threatened to derail the 1798 rebellion in Tyrone after a massive fallout between the Brocagh and Aghyaran ones over a plate of spuds. I’m prepared to act as peacemaker and suggest we call them praties from now on.”
Fr McAteer has since been chased back to Maynooth.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
PSNI Reveal Top Tyrone Excuses
PSNI tightening up
The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.
The statement listed the top 5 excuses:
- (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
- (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
- (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
- (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
- (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)
PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:
“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”
Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:
“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”
Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.
Tyrone Under Siege As Dangerous Bear On The Loose. Answers To The Name ‘Bungle’.
Artist’s crude impression of how Bungle may look
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Residents in the Benburb area were warned by PSNI last night to stay indoors whilst they search for a bear which has escaped and is currently on the loose, believed to be somewhere near Donnelly’s Hill.
The bear, which is understood to have been once-domesticated by its owner, Englishman Geoffrey Hayes, answers to the name of ‘Bungle’, and is said to be dangerous.
A spokesman for the PSNI, Sean Robertson, said,
“This animal has a distinctive look about him. He has a bit of a squashed-up face and apparently is really really feckin’ clumsy, so if people are out searchin’ that’s what to look out for. Plus the fact he’s a 6-foot tall bear. That should help”.
Animal-handler Hayes, wearing a brightly coloured jumper and gripping an electric cattle prod, lamented,
“He used to be a lovable bear, slightly slow on the uptake, but then sometimes aren’t we all?” he said. “He even made some appearances on television back in the day. But he’s now over 40 years of age and he can get sometimes get a wee touch irritable. Especially with 4,000 volts up him”.
The hunt has produced a number of eager bounty hunters from the area who believe there may be a reward available.
“I’m told he looks like that big fierce Chewbaccy fecker out of Star Trek”, maintained Gerry McGee, a part-time soap dispenser from Brocagh. “One of thon police boys said there’s a bounty on its head. I didn’t realise bears even liked chocolate. Still, I’m going to bag it, once I’ve dusted down thon Armalite rifle that I don’t have hidden out in the back shed along with the ammunition that doesn’t exist. Ye boy ye”.
The search continued for most of yesterday evening, and included three companions of Hayes’, Freddy, Jane and Rod, all singers and dancers from out of the area. The search was called off for the evening after the three unaccountably broke into a song about puddles.
Concern for the safety of residents increased after the bear reportedly attacked a small hippopotamus which, owing to a virtually unheard-of pigmentation defect, was entirely pink.
It is believed Hayes and the bear were staying in temporary accommodation in the county after travelling to Ardboe area, having apparently mistaken it for another place called ’Rainbow’, before the bear escaped.
Croke Park Foil Tyrone Minor Skulduggery. Canavan Won’t Tog Out.
How he may have looked
A devious plan to introduce Peter Canavan as a second half substitute in the All-Ireland Minor Final was foiled this morning when the hairdresser in charge of managing hair implants on the aging ex-Errigal Ciaran forward spilled the beans during a random gossiping session during the haircut of an Irish Times journalist. Josh McCann, who has been a local hair expert since primary school, says he’s glad his conscience is now clean:
“I was approached by these three men wearing red and white balaclavas and they stuck me in the boot of the car, driving me to a ‘mysterious location’ they said. I had a fair idea they were bringing me to the Moy as there was a deadly stench of chickens and I could also see the ‘Welcome To Moy’ sign when I got out. They then said they’d pay me £100 if I made a bald man hairy again and to ‘make sure the hairstyle was fairly hip, like Tyrone hip’. I couldn’t turn down that enormous amount of money so I agreed eagerly.”
It wasn’t until the first hair replacement session that the shocking truth dawned on McCann:
“Well I set up shop anyways and didn’t I get a quare shock when Canavan hopped onto the chair. He didn’t speak and one of the men in the red and white balaclavas stood nearby, waving five £20 notes. I did the best I could and by the second session he looked like a 17-year old from Brocagh with the bobbed blonde highlights and all. He rolled back the years as he jinked his way out of the studio, locks flowing carelessly behind him. I nearly shed a tear. It was like watching Elvis one more time.”
Unfortunately, an Irish Times journalist caught wind of the scam after seeing an unidentified player at Tyrone’s media night put on a pair of slippers after training and then take a drag on a tobacco pipe when he got into his car. One visit to the only hairdresser in Ballygawley did the trick. McCann feels a weight lifted off his shoulders:
“To be honest I was panicking. What if the glue holding in the hair softened in the rain or the close-in camera caught his long nose hairs or bushy ears? There’s no way they’d believe it was Gary O’Neill from Brocagh. I would also like people to know I will not use the £100 for food and stuff but will instead stick it all on Mayo to win the game by 30 points.”
Tyrone play Mayo in the minor final this Sunday. Peter Canavan will be doing media work for various outlets wearing a monkey hat.
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Draconian Ardboe Lord Mayor ‘Out Of Control’
Can’t kiss Ardboe wemen
A small loughshore community were today said to be living in fear from a ruthless Lord Mayor who has re-enacted centuries-old laws he discovered in a library in Magherafelt during the summer. Pa Forbes, who was unanimously voted in early in the year, cannot be replaced until 2016, sparking fears of a mass exodus to places like Moortown of Brocagh.
Yasser McCluskey explained the daily torture of the average Ardbonian:
“That man’s mental. I just saw there this morning on his Facebook page that he has now enforced a ruling from the 14th century – that it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. I was walking down the Kilmascally Road there now and you could hear he buzzing of shavers coming from the houses. Forbes knows rightly every Ardboe man has a moustache.”
Other laws brought back included
- Illegal to wear underwear to Post Office
- Legal for a man to relieve himself in a bar, standing up, after 9pm
- ex-prisoners to ride around on a horse in daylight
- Moortown men can be shot with a bow and arrow except on Sundays
- Only married women can use a parachute on a Sunday
McCluskey reckons Forbes has to be stopped before Ardboe becomes a ghost village:
“That rule last week was the final straw. He outlawed eating more than three sandwiches at a wake. Poor Tom Coney was lifted by the cops at Maggie Daly’s wake for eating four egg sandwiches. The worst thing was – someone touted on Coney. Ardboe has couped.”
Lord Mayor Forbes told reporters he has not ‘lost the run of himself’ whilst trotting down the Ardboe Road in a golden carriage pulled by three bare-chested fishermen serenading him with ‘Johnson’s Motorcar’.
Brocagh Brothers Mortified As Mother Sends Them To School In Skirts
Artist’s impression
Brocagh twins, Peter and Paul Ward, were this afternoon said to be in hiding after their mother ‘got a bit mixed up’ and sent her first-year sons to St Patrick’s Academy in Dungannon in school skirts and blouses. Frances Ward maintains she got confused due to the fact that their three older sisters also went to the same school and that she was not trying to save money on uniforms in the hope that no one would notice.
“Ah come on, I’m not that stingy. It was a very understandable mistake. I was used to the girls getting ready for the bus and simply threw the hand-me-downs to the twins. I did think something was wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. They’re quiet lads so they didn’t complain. I’m told the Carnan ones on the bus gave them deadly abuse.”
Reports from the school suggest they were immediately put in detention for “Brazen Tomfoolery”, breaking the previous record of 3 hours for a first year in the school, a record held by a boy from Killyman who fired a tin whistle in bad temper at the principal in 1981. The Wards’ detentions were rescinded after the truth was revealed.
Frances Ward’s neighbour, Packie Quinn, disagrees that it was an honest mistake:
“That woman is the most miserly living being in Brocagh. I know rightly she didn’t want to fork out for a new set of uniforms and so thought no one would bat an eyelid. Them poor lads are mortified. Bad enough the uniform but why did she plait the longer haired boy? She was up to her work.”
In other educational news, Tyrone schools are considering bringing back slapping for ‘acting the lig’ or ‘slabbering about their holidays’.
Ghost-Oh! Tyrone Primary Schools To Ban Some Local Words And Phrases.
Typical Moortown headmaster
Under new directives from the “Make Tyrone Spake Better” committee, all primary schools in the country have been instructed to punish children who persist with local words in 2013/2014, including ‘foundered’, ‘ghost oh’, ‘gutties’, ‘yousuns’, ‘oul’ and ‘blade’ amongst others. Chairman Winston Carberry, a born-again posh man from Brackaville, told us:
“How are we expected to produce brain surgeons or lawyers when we’re coming out with words no one else understands? An Omagh doctor working in London recently got his P45 after telling his first patient that he was going to perform a prostrate examination. Apparently it’s inappropriate to say “Here boy, whisht, I’m gonna footer with yer arse, lean fernenst thon gable“. He was on the plane back to Tyrone that evening. I blame the primary schools.”
Primary schools in Ardboe, Moortown and parts of Brocagh have begun writing alternatives to ‘ghost oh’ on the blackboards. If told something interesting, loughshore youngsters are to utter phrases such as ‘Oh My Gosh’ or ‘Jumping Jiminy’ although Carberry accepts that teething problems are expected initially.
“Yes, we expect some resistence at first, especially in the East: Spuds are to be called potatoes, not pitters; no more use of ‘afeard’; face instead of ‘bake’; ‘he tuk the head clane aff him’ to be replaced with ‘they had a scuffle’. This will take time and we need the parents on board if little Johnny is to become a barrister.”
The Ardboe Historical Society’s Wille Quinn says they will fight the new directives:
“A loada balls. What clift made this up?”
Punishment for reverting to local language will range from a three decades of the rosary to cleaning staff toilets.
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Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Tyrone Tribulations 