Fears Of ‘Testicle-Eating Fish’ In Lough Neagh Rise After Weekend Carnage
Do not wear these type of shorts
Despite sound-bites from the government to quell fears of a new breed of testicle-eating trouts and eels stalking Lough Neagh, swimmers and bathers along the western coastline of the lough confirmed they are still a real threat, and may be getting hungrier.
Two male swimmers from Derrylaughan, who every Saturday morning religiously partake in a short swim out to Coney Island and back to shake off hangovers, reported three attacks from three different breeds of fish during their 30-minute paddle. Kevin Barry, a 28-year old fencer, told us:
“I think that’ll be the last time I go for a dip in the lough until the problem is sorted. There’s no enjoyment when you’re constantly worried you’ll return to shore with mutilated knackers. I’ve never seen eels behave like that before, and I know my eels.”
Sunbather Harry Quinn (58) from Moortown was astonished at the attack he experienced whilst laying on a towel on the beach at the Battery. Wearing a tight-fitting pair of Moortown St Malachy’s shorts from his playing days in the early 80s, Quinn had to retreat to the pub after an unprovoked assault on Saturday:
“Ghost oh, I was just nodding off on the towel and before I know it a couple of Dollaghan were yanking the shorts off me and them 10 feet out of water. I barely managed to bate them off with a rolled up Irish News but not before on of the trout took a nick from one of my yokes.”
Local scientist Paddy Hughes maintains the new culinary tastes are a result of “global warming or the solar rays or something like that” and has warned male swimmers and fishermen to wear body armour or metal trunks for a few years “until the fish move on to China or somewhere like that”.
Panic Subsides As Man Lost In The Bush Is Found In Filling Station Near Coalisland
The Bush
Despite fears for his safety, an Edendork man who had been lost in The Bush since Monday (yesterday) was found today merrily eating a sausage roll inside a filling station on the outskirts of Coalisland.
The good news mirrors another story emanating from Australia last week when a woman also emerged from the bush after being lost for over two weeks, although it is said that Tyrone’s Bush is much more hazardous than the Australian one.
Patsy Farrell, a computer user from Edendork, got lost in The Bush after heading out to get some veda bread and a packet of dishwasher tablets:
“Eff me, I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I took a wrong turn at the Mullaghteige Road near Mulmuf’s exhaust silencer shop and ended up parked on the side of the road as there’s no signal there and the GPS woman was telling me I was in Dungannon, which I wasn’t. I just kept still til someone found me and survived on Polo Mints and water. It was touch and go.”
Farrell went on to explain what he experienced during the ordeal:
“The noises at night time scared me. You’d hear whistles and yahooing and men shouting ‘come here ye blade ye’ in fields and women laughing and giggling and saying ‘will ye quit, he’ll be home soon’ and other stuff like that. It was like something out of a Spielberg movie. I was just glad to see light and thanked God that he’d given me another day. The milkman stopped and gave me directions back to Edendork which I headed to after a sausage roll in Coalisland.”
Farrell promises to write about his experiences in The Bush and BBC are looking to serialise it with Colin Farrell (no relation) reportedly eager to take up the lead role.
Mass Stampede In Beragh As Locals Misread Tombola Poster
Not many tickets sold after Ebola scare
The Sixmilecross Christian Society (SCS) have refused to apologise to 4000 Beragh residents who were spotted ‘running like mad’ towards Omagh after someone misread the SCS Tombola poster, thinking Ebola had finally arrived at the west Tyrone village.
The Tombola night, which this year was in aid of a proposed donkey sanctuary in Loughmacrory, was a resounding disaster as only nine punters turned up, winning on average 13 prizes each and generating only £23 for the project.
Meanwhile, Omagh Council have set about dismantling the makeshift aluminium buildings used to house the Beragh contingent over the weekend before the error was discovered. Beragh joiner, Candy McClean, told us:
“I was never so afeared. When word got about that Sixmilecross had caught the Ebola we just ran like hounds towards Omagh. It took a few hours of negotiations before they let us stay and I understand that. There’d be a few boys around Beragh who’d look a bit virusy even on a Sunday.”
It wasn’t until someone produced the Tyrone Democrat and spotted the Tombola advertisement for Sixmilecross that the penny finally dropped.
The Tyrone Health Organisation are to issue leaflets to all houses in the county, warning residents of evacuation procedures if the virus does hit Sixmilecross or anywhere else. Their 4-point plan is as follows:
- Don’t run like mad down the road. Head calmly for Derry or Armagh, preferably by foot or scooter/skateboard/flicker/roller-skates.
- Don’t be telling the Armagh or Derry ones why you have arrived for fear of retaliation.
- Bring sandwiches and tea for the journey. Jam sandwiches are not advised as they can attract flies.
- Keep spirits up by singing happy songs about emigration.
The THO also reminded people that there are no grants for Ebola-prevention house extensions.
DIY Disaster Husband Hangs Wall TV Upside-Down. Family Suffer Neck Injuries.
earlier
A Strabane family have complained of severe neck strains after their father, Johnny McElhin, made his 4th DIY error of the year. The disaster has increased fears that Tyrone may have the worst DIY men in the country.
Following on from a monumental error last month which saw him hang a toilet door which opened from the wrong side, Mr McElhin erected a wall-mounted TV upside-down and refused to take it down, calling his wife and children ‘a pack of whingers’.
Meanwhile, his children have been forced to watch their favourite cartoons upside down unless they bend over and look back between their legs. Wife, Sarah-Jane (38), fumed:
“The whole house is now either slanted or upside-down. I’m sick of it. Our youngest, Leo who is 4, had to miss school on Friday because he couldn’t move his neck after watching Cbeebies for an hour standing on his head on the sofa. I’m sure all the blood rushing to his head isn’t helping either. I almost passed out watching Downton Abbey earlier today. It can’t be good for you.”
Johnny, a 43-year old librarian, is adamant that his family are being picky and that they don’t know how lucky they are. He told us:
“They’re lucky to have a TV at all.”
The previous catastrophe, which saw him plumb a toilet the wrong way and then incorrectly hang the door for the room, was fixed by sawing a hole the shape of the toilet bowl in the wall so people could enter the toilet room without squeezing into an impossible space.
Guests have complained that the hole isn’t deadly for privacy when the door is closed.
‘privacy not deadly’
Riot In Carrickmore After WeightWatchers Weighing Session
New WW Weighing System
Temperatures in Carrickmore were said to be finally cooling this morning after several WeightWatcher customers complained that the scales were wrong, confirming suspicions for some that organizers were deliberating making sure locals ‘didn’t lose too much weight’ in case they left it.
PSNI representatives were called after the main scales were shattered into many pieces as up to ten slimmers took to destroying the piece of equipment with cudgels and their own steel toe-capped boots. Henry McCallan, a first-timer at the session, explained what happened to the weighing aparatus:
“Aye, they kicked the shite out of it.”
WeightWatchers have yet to confirm whether or not they will return to Carrickmore, citing evidence that this apparently happened before with Slimming World. Company CEO Patrick Lyons confirmed:
“Before we set foot in Carrickmore, we knew it was a risky business. Slimming World were famously burned out of the village after their scales showed that seven people had gained one pound in weight that week, despite all of them saying they had cut out chips and replaced them with skinnier fries. Every weighing session here is like a stand-off between organizers and customers. I am deadly afraid of someone putting on 3-4 pounds in case they put me through the wall.”
Kelly Wilkinson, who has been attending WW since 2007, added:
“It’s a buckin scam. I was 12 stone in 2007. I’m 12 stone 1 now. Sure how can that make any sense? Everyone knows bars of chocolate are smaller now and bags of crisps have less in them. They’re trying to tell me I just have bigger hands. I’m quitting and going on the Atkins Diet.”
WW have proposed a radical weighing method where they tie ropes to slimmers and hoist them up on pulleys and use heavy weights at the other end to measure any weight changes more accurately. This will also render the slimmer harmless as they hang in the air, hopefully calmed by the time they hit the ground.
The Tribulation Two Arrested And Charged. Six Months Hard Labour In Tattyreagh
Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.
Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.
A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.
Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:
“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”
Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.
Adiós Amigos.
Confusion In Ardboe Over Free WiFi Rally. Riot Narrowly Averted.
There was mass confusion over a hastily organised protest over the issue of the poor WiFi signal on the Loughshore this evening.
The general Ardboe district was recently slated in an English newspaper as the worst place in Europe for a WiFi connection, blaming the interference from electric eels which swim perilously close to Lough Neagh’s western shore.
‘Free Wifi’ posters emerged on lamp posts all week, encouraging locals to attend a mass rally outside McGuigan’s pub. Over 5000 made their way to the meeting point, many with banners which seem to point to a bit of confusion surrounding the burning issue. Johnny Farrell, who travelled hundreds of miles from Coalisland, told us:
“Listen, I admit I haven’t read up on this. I don’t know who this WiFi boy is or why he’s being held captive but I’m all on for freedom of speech. I don’t care what he has supposedly done so I say ‘FREE WIFI’ yiz shower of tyrannical bastards. Set WiFi free….”
…before starting a ‘We Shall Overcome‘ singsong and firing a brick at a police car which was monitoring proceedings.
Tensions rose after a BT Telecoms representative turned up and tried to explain the reasons for the lack of free WiFi in the area. Frank Busby was drowned out with chants of ‘WiFi – inside for something he didn’t do‘ and ‘Internment is cat‘ before leaving the podium to choruses of ‘cheerio‘ and ‘who are ya‘.
Organiser Jackie Cullen admitted:
“It’s my fault. I didn’t explain the rally well enough to the people. Let me say it loud and clear now to the people of Ardboe – WiFi is a wireless internet service, not a local lad interned for his political beliefs.’
Cullen was subsequently chased from his own rally with cries of ‘traitor‘ and ‘you’re one of them‘ from the increasing number of protesters.
Seven bonfires were currently alight as over 9000 prepared for a midnight vigil singing ‘Something Inside So Strong’.
Two Tyrone Tribulation Journalists On The Run As PSNI Clamp Down On Lies
Last known photo of Shengas and Gombeen
It emerged this evening that two Tyrone Tribulation journalists, Shengas McGlumphie and Gombeen, have fled their offices and are at large after they received a tip off from a security forces insider.
The PSNI initiative, nicknamed ‘Operation Bulldung’, is aimed at ridding the Internet of lies and untruths. Reports suggest the Tyrone Tribulation journalists are their most wanted suspects after two years of writing complete nonsense online on a daily basis.
DCI McKillop, who has a reputation of getting the job done, explained the situation:
“We’re sick and tired of them boys writing utter tripe on the Internet, giving people cause to imitate stupid things. Last week we received calls from parents worried their daughters were going to spend a fortune on getting that trout look. Their lies is getting a bit tedious and no one likes a liar around these parts.”
Friends of the on-the-run pair have started a Facebook page called ‘Free The Tribulation Two’ and have already amassed 6 likes. One of the anonymous authors told us:
“It’s a disgrace so it is.”
The PSNI have send out leaflets to homes across the county, warning people not to approach the pair as they are armed with untruths, and in case they start lying again. They added:
“Let them two be under no illusion. Tyrone is a small place and by the weekend there’ll be nowhere to hide. We have men with flippers in the Lough and half the county are touts so it’s a no-win situation for the bullshitters. That’s where lies get you. Hand over your laptops.”
Eye witness reports have confirmed the presence of two suspicious men walking around Greencastle heading in the direction of Kildress with two laptops, a fishing rod, a piece of chicken and a loaf of bread.
Benburb Man Completes Fourth Grueling Marathon. Of Box Sets.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man has privately admitted that his boasts of completing four exhausting marathons in as many weeks relate not to running 26-mile marathons, but in fact to lying on the couch watching entire series’ of television programmes in one sitting.
Paul McElhatton, a 28-year old banana ripener from Benburb, spent all day Monday recovering from what he called ‘one the most intense marathons he had ever endured’.
“You have to prepare for these things”, said McElhatton. “I did no training at all for my first one, and it was bad. Breaking Bad, all five seasons series of it. House of Cards wasn’t quite as tiring although it was quite difficult to follow, but a multipack of the Tayto gave me the strength to get through it. To be honest, it was actually my third marathon, Homeland, that I found most draining. Was yer man going to blow up lots of people or not? Was he going to get found out in time? It was a shattering experience. You try sitting on the edge of your seat for forty fecking hours. I had to phone in sick the next day. My arse was numb for a week”.
But his family are still under the illusion that young Paul’s marathon exploits relate not to television-watching but to pounding the streets in running shoes. His mother, 62-year old Bridie, said,
“We’re so proud of him. I know his third one took twelve hours which raised a few eyebrows, but then he is carrying plenty of beef on him, bless him. But he’s very modest about it. He’s got a tara amount of energy. I asked him if he had to lie down afterwards, and he said that was the last thing he wanted to do. I don’t know where he gets it from. I remember when he used to live at the homeplace, all he did was sit watching telly all day. Look at him now”.
McElhatton explained that all his hard work is paying off.
McElhatton, hard at the training
“It does get easier the more you do it”, he said. “By the fourth marathon it had all become a bit of a game. Of Thrones. Thon one set in the Titanic Quarter, but with dinosaurs and stuff. Over thirty hours, but I sailed through it”.
As of last night, McElhatton was preparing for his fifth marathon watching all 120 episodes of ‘Friends’ by learning all the words of ‘Smelly Cat’.
2 million
Ye wait 25 months for a million hits. Then in 4 days another million come along. Something about waiting for a bus springs to mind.
Man Catches Bad Cold After Waiting 9 Hours Outside Coalisland’s Virtual Shop
Looks deadly real
Coalisland’s first virtual shop has temporarily closed after the council belatedly decided they need to inform locals how it works.
The move comes after pensioner Gerry McIntyre (71) caught a very bad cold whilst knocking on the door and shouting through the painted window for 9 hours. The shop, which depicts a colourful and lively scene using hoardings and virtual graphics painted over a brick wall, was unveiled recently as an attempt to tidy the town up a bit.
However, residents have hit out after they received no leaflets to explain what the shop was or how it worked. McIntyre’s wife Kitty informed us:
“When Gerry said he was popping down to McCrum’s for a loaf of bread and a light bulb I just thought he was doting again. That was at 9am and it wasn’t until 6pm that I thought I may go looking for him. When I got there he was roaring his head off, shouting things like ‘ignorant shower of hoors’ and stuff like that. He was shivering badly too and his hand looked busted from banging on the door which was just a brick wall.”
Other locals have complained that the depiction was too realistic. The local doctor’s surgery confirmed he received 14 calls for people with busted noses from walking into the virtual door. Mr McKendry added:
“It’s just too good. Their painting has people chatting away in a friendly manner and smiling at each other. Maybe they should tone it down a bit with someone drunk firing a chair at the owner because his sausage roll was cold. You know, run of the mill stuff you’d see here.”
The council announced they have shelved plans to create a virtual off-licence in case of fatalities.
Tyrone Wedding Singer Narrowly Fails To Sabotage Clooney Marriage Ceremony
Clooney winces at song choice
A local wedding singer, who was chosen to perform at George Clooney’s wedding to Amal Alamuddin in Venice, has been roundly criticised by guests for trying to create a bit of tension between the pair.
Susan McCray, a singer and harp player from Dungannon, was Clooney’s musician of choice after he saw her on the side of the road in Boston trying to busk her fare back to Ireland in 2011. Onlookers looked decidedly uncomfortable after McCray began with an off-the-cuff number when Alamuddin sauntered up the aisle. Celebrity guest Mary Carey told us:
“Yes, it was a bit awkward. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division is a fine song but not really a mood setter at that point in the ceremony. I’m told that it was meant to be You Are So Beautiful by Joe Cocker so there’s a bit of a difference there. This woman is trouble.”
McCray upped the stakes during a lull in proceedings by belting out a stirring rendition of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette which apparently drew applause from three other women in the congregation. Fearing a revolution amongst his guests, Clooney told his singer to just play an instrumental piece as the ceremony ended. One source informed us:
“It started as a religious sort of song then she burst into Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths whilst drinking from a small bottle of buckfast. The lyrics “I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m mierable now” never felt as poignant. It was rather emotional.”
McCray was later arrested by Italian police for urinating on a plant outside the church.
Witch-Ducking “Isn’t Always The Answer” Says Controversial Ardboe Man
A campaign to outlaw witch-ducking in parts of Ardboe by 2017 was met with disapproval from many quarters yesterday.
The little-known law, which was endured in the area for over 500 years, is planned to be repealed within the next three years by the courts, but met stiff opposition from locals who were disappointed at the news. The practice involves lowering suspected witches into Lough Neagh whilst strapped to a seat.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
“When the elders is the area decide that someone has contravened our local bye laws, that’s when we turn to The Stool”, explained village chieftain Methusala O’Neill. “It’s grand for dispensing law and order, or just for when we’re bored and after a bit of craic. Last week there was this wummin from the Mullan Road who wouldn’t stop playing Hugo Duncan. On and on and on it went, for at least five minutes. Maybe even more. She went in The Stool. No messing. Looked like a drowned rat when she came out. And the thing is, we all love Uncle Hugo round here”.
“And it’s not just the wemmin by the way”, he continued. “Men can go in the ducking stool. We’re very modern that way. Lucksee, just last week John Joe Quinn from the Ballygillen Road went in The Stool for having bandy legs. Everyone agreed they were fed up lookin’ at them. Up and down he went. Three times. Mighty”.
Reilly, off to catch her dinner
But controversial Ardboe man Hugh Loughran thinks it’s time for the practice to be stopped.
“I’m fed up with it. You should see the crowds. They’re mad for it. Out in their thousands. It’s like Philomena’s turned up. This ducking business is out of date. If people want entertainment why can’t they just do a local Strictly Come Dancing, same as everyone else?”
Questioned whether or not witch-ducking was a practice that belonged in another century, O’Neill was quick to respond.
“We’re not savages you know. Nobody gets drownded. Calm yerself. We always make sure they’re safely strapped in when we send them to the bottom of the freezing Lough waters. We’re very health and safety conscious round here. They always get a towel when they come out. It’s a bit like water boarding combined with a trip down the water slide at Dungannon Leisure Centre. And probably just as cold”.
Maureen Reilly, a self-confessed witch from Ruskey Road, said,
“I’d be devastated if they took The Stool away. It’s the only way I can get cheap eels as long as I’m quick. It’s part of the way of life round here. You can feck off with yer mobility phones and yer teleradios. Leave the stool alone. They’ll be wanting to outlaw our iron maiden next. Jaysus”.
In other news, Donaghmore is expected to outlaw tickle torture next year.
Omagh’s ‘Shawshank Husband’ Dug Tunnel From Bedroom To Pub Over 15 Years
Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement
An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.
Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:
“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at the shops. It wasn’t until 2009 that I hit the jackpot and came up through the women’s toilet mop and bucket room.”
Kerr explained how he spent the last five years heading to the pub via his tunnel at 11pm before returning at 1am, undetected by his deep sleeping wife:
“To be honest I was sort of glad I was caught. She was always smelling drink off me in the morning and I was explaining it away as a natural odour. But recently I was finding myself singing rebel songs and stuff coming back up the tunnel and it was only a matter of time before I was caught anyhow. The landlord was also wondering how I was just appearing out of nowhere at the same time every night and disappearing from the women’s toilets.”
The tunnel was finally discovered after the DOE performed a survey on a sewage problem which turned out to be caused by a pipe Kerr had hit accidentally, causing sewage to leak into his tunnel over five years. The judge questioned Kerr’s wife as to why she never smelt the sewage odours from her husband. Mrs Kerr simply shrugged.
Maths Teacher Cautioned Over Gruesome Sums
Mr McGrath toning it down a bit
A Cookstown mathematics teacher of 21 years experience has been cautioned by the Education Board after his unusual methods were reported by angry parents.
Barney McGrath, who was born in Ardboe but moved to Cookstown in 1979, defended his style, claiming he had already coached over 1000 pupils to success in O Level and GCSE Maths as well as Additional Maths.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to acquire a copy of the latest homework he set his class. It included:
If you beat the head clean off 6 Derry men and kicked the tripe out of 4 Armagh men, how many men have you hammered?
Another puzzled posed was:
You make 16 bottles of illegal alcohol but the cops arrive and confiscate them all. However, during a fake road block you set up and the ensuing bloody shoot-out involving you and the police, you manage to retrieve a quarter of your poitin. How many bottles have you now?
Parent Josie Mulligan admitted she called the Board after her son produced this latest homework:
“Our wee Eoin was having nightmares and wetting the bed. We couldn’t put our finger on what was causing it until he started calling out things like ‘the square root’ and random numbers during one of his episodes. It appears Mr McGrath was terrifying the youngsters with his horrific sums. The man’s a headcase.”
Mr McGrath (49) admitted his methods may be considered somewhat outdated in today’s society but claimed you could hear a pin drop during his lessons:
“People need to loosen up a bit. Maths is maths no matter how you dress it up. My classes are memorable. For example, today I brought in 16 of my wife’s bras and asked the lads to hold up three quarters of them. They’ll never forget that sum.”
His school, St Bruce’s Secondary, revealed he was suspended this afternoon after he set another homework which included:
During an important match between Ardboe and Moortown, 14 innocent Ardboe players received limb fractures, 4 Moortown players pretended to have broken noses and 3 of the officials were slashed by knife-wielding Moortown women. How many people went home unhappy?
Spillane Admits ‘This Oul Defending Lark Isn’t Bad At All’
Pat Spillane, the TV controversial pundit who played some football in the 80s, has finally admitted he might now see the value in defending in numbers and attacking on the break.
The Kerryman, who lambasted Tyrone for a decade for having the temerity to bring more than six defenders back into their own half and famously labelled their brand of football ‘puke’ and ‘basketball’, maintains his comments were taken out of context:
“No, I never said anything of the sort. Defending is an art and the more defenders you have the more arty it is. It was magical to watch The Mighty Kingdom swarm around the Donegal forwards. Sometimes we had eight defenders on one Donegal man – it was a pleasure to behold. Kerry have always been innovators and this new blanket tactic we have invented will change the game of Gaelic football. But, a word of warning – no one will be able to do it the way we do it.”
When pressed on the statistics which showed that Kerry made 1399 hand passes and 3 foot passes, he added:
“And what? Listen, foot-passing is an archaic mode of transferring the ball from one player to the next. It’s unreliable and statistically inaccurate the majority of time. No, again Kerry have redefined keeping possession. We’re just brilliant at it.”
Spillane finally became irate when our journalist posed the question regarding the 72 tactical fouls Kerry made outside the scoring zone:
“Away back up north with you and stop whining. It’s a man’s game. You Ulster men come down here with your fancy dan football, soloing and kicking the ball to each other. Well, where’s Sam now? He’s well hidden under the Kerry blanket. Yerra.”
The multiple All-Star forward also defended Barry John Keane’s cynical ploy of kicking the ball off the goalkeeper’s tee in injury time as ‘high jinks’ and that the ‘sun was probably in his eyes’. He added:
“If Sean Cavanagh had done that it’s a different matter. He’d probably have stabbed the ball with a penknife anyway. Puke stuff.”
Customers Told To ‘Quit Moaning’ After Sandwich Bar Runs Out Of Bread
Man struggles with invisible sandwich
A Dungannon sandwich bar has threatened to close up and move somewhere else, blaming locals for being ‘deadly whingers’ after they received 413 complaints in a week for not having any bread.
Customers were seen leaving Campbell’s Sandwich Bar shaking their heads and holding their tuna fillings or egg and onion mix in a small clear plastic bag. Campbell’s told customers it would be another week before they’d get the time to buy bread from the shops and that this was the way shops served sandwiches in places like Spain and France anyway.
Local man Kieran Hughes was having none of it:
“I’ve been to Spain loads of times and I know for a fact they have bread in their sandwich. The man is lying. Whoever heard of a breadless sandwich? I order a Club Sandwich and walked out holding chicken, bacon, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise in my hands. It was dripping all over the place and ruined my clothes. I’ll not be back!”
Shop owner James Soupy Campbell reckoned people needed to lighten up a bit and to stop being picky about everything:
“People need to lighten up a bit and stop being picky about everything.”
The news follows reports of a shop near Coalisland called JJ’s Chips which has never served a chip since it opened two months ago. Our reporter ordered a fish supper as part of an undercover operation for Tyrone Tribulations and received a battered fish with one slice of unbuttered white bread and a sachet of salt from KFC.
On further inspection it turned out the fish had no batter on it but had clearly been beaten around the shop with a hammer or something. Our reporter gave it 7/10.
Stephen Nolan has been asked to do a programme on declining food standards in Tyrone.
Donegal Players Practise Tyrone Accents, Mannerisms And Odours Before Kerry Clash
Professor McMenamin
Jimmy McGuinness, a man renowned for leaving no stone unturned, has reportedly spent the last fortnight hanging around Clady, Strabane and Castlederg in order to pick up some Tyrone mannerisms to pass on to his players at training.
Donegal, who take on Kerry tomorrow in the All-Ireland Football Final, will aim to mirror Tyrone’s achievement of defeating The Kingdom in the national final. As well as making his players run very hard around the pitch doing laps and practising high jumps and long kicks, McGuinness put on compulsory Tyrone speech and elocution lessons at night. Anyone missing a session was made to do 500 press ups with Jimmy sitting on their back.
A squad member told us:
“It was very hard learning them Tyrone words. He wants us to psychologically mess with their heads by calling them ‘clifts’ and using ‘duhhul’. Duhhul (a mucky field) is a hard one. The only context we could find was ‘we’re going to bate ye in this duhhul ye clifts til the clabber is running off ye’. The other bits were easy enough. Recreating the Tyrone body odour was dead easy. We just sponged oil, diesel, turf, Lucozade and soda farls all over each other.”
Our source also confirmed that Ryan ‘Ricey’ McMenamin was called in to do a workshop on ‘The Dark Arts’ which provided tips on general chitchat and fondling during the game:
“Yes, Professor Ricey’s lecture was brilliant. Before he started he stood up at the front and rhymed off all the phone numbers of our girlfriends or wives. That’s real preparation and he opened our eyes as to what needs to be done to defeat Kerry. His quick session on gentle eye-gouging and testicle-tapping was genius stuff. We’ve never felt in better condition.”
Rumours that Jimmy McGuinness was going to shave his head and grow a semi-beard to put the spooks up the Kerry management have failed to materialise after it emerged Mickey Harte has copyrighted the image.
Clonoe Cross-Community Cage Fighting Event A ‘Huge Success’, Say Organiser
Two Clonoe Women Go At It
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.
The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.
“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.
Participant Steve Lewis said,
“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”
McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.
“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.
McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.
Tyrone Tribulations 