World’s Wisest Man Found In Brackaville
O’Hanlon, this morning
Last night it emerged that the world’s wisest man is currently living in Brackaville and has lived there all his life. This startling claim was backed up by his wife who says he probably knows everything about everything. Bus shelter painter Leo O’Hanlon (66) maintains he can solve every problem on the planet and beyond, from global warming to not losing odd socks. Leo makes most of his proclamations from a bar stool in any of Coalisland’s famed watering holes.
“Aye he’s some pup,” claimed borderline alcoholic Jemmy Kettle. “Just last night he solved world hunger. Leo says if you plant more oranges, peas, spuds and stuff like that inside greenhouses in Africa then the searing Sahara heat will not affect them. The man’s a genius. On Friday he told us how to beat Kildare. It was simple really but brilliant thinking. He said if you take your points the goals will come. Lo and behold, that’s what happened. This stuff must be filtering back to Mickey”.
O’Hanlon also claims to have solved the recession. He suggests that the bankers do about 140 or 15o charity walks each and the money raised pays off the national debt. His sister, Jackie, added:
“This man’s vast intellect knows no bounds. I remember when he was about 20 or 22 and he was able to answer about maybe a dozen puzzles on Catchphrase on the TV, sometimes even before the contestants did. We used to just stare at him in awe. You could nearly see his brain moving. When he was in P6 at the Primate Dixon the teacher said he was “hateful but potentially bright” in the school report. We knew we had a star on our hands, right here in Brackaville too.”
O’Hanlon was too inebriated last night to comment but even in that state he was able to offer brilliant advice to the girl in Landi’s about how to sprinkle the chips with just the right amount of salt using an unusual wrist action, before being barred for lewd remarks.
People Queued Up For 5 Hours in Newtownstewart For Nothing
Queue to nowhere
A 3-mile long queue in Newtownstewart turned out to be pointless, after a 5-hour wait for whatever it was they were meant to be queuing for ended quietly at 3pm this evening. 23 people were treated for sunstroke whilst another two were hospitalised over a row about the Fermanagh fracking situation.
The queue began after two boys (Tom Chapman and Barry Keating) stopped for a chat outside the pharmacy to discuss the previous night’s episode of Emerdale. Within 20 mins, a queue the whole way down the whole of the Main Street had formed as people mistakenly waited patiently on what the people in from were waiting for. Jackie McConnell, who was about 150th in the queue, explained:
“Aye, it was a bit of a waste of time. It’s very hard to resist a queue though isn’t it. You’re awful afeard of someone getting something you might like and them boasting about it in the pub. I’ve had nothing to eat since last night and only headed out to get a loaf of bread for the family. Jaysus, they’ll be starving too. That was five hours ago”.
Chapman and Keating filled the five hours debating Syria, Guantanamo, the price of steak, the GAA, Mick Jagger, Mrs Kelly’s skirt last week, magic, leaking valves, Korea, the weather, existentialism, itchy arses and the Eurovision amongst other things, before saying their goodbyes.
The PSNI refused to comment after it was revealed four of their officers were also in the queue, and getting paid for it. Of the 2612 in the queue, 909 were teachers. 2490 were men. Stewards also appeared from nowhere to direct the queue.
Good Weather Sees Rise In Safari Animals Wandering Tyrone
Lion on bus to Omagh
The recent good spell has sparked a rise in desert mammals popping up across the county according to animal spotter Hugh Pat Bonner from Ardboe. Elephants in Eskra, gazelles in Greencastle and camels in Carrickmore have become the norm as the animals acclimatise to the balmy mid-Ulster climate. Bonner admitted that even he was surprised to see an alligator drinking out of a ditch outside the Battery bar.
“Aye, thon was a bit of a shock. What surprised me most was that the alligator just nodded at me like as if he’s been here for years. My brother said he saw a cheetah in Moortown chasing after midges. I wonder do these animals lie dormant in Ireland until we get Sahara-like weather.”
John Agnew admitted he now misses being stuck behind cattle on the road to Dungannon compared to what’s happening now:
“I was on the Killeeshil Road yesterday and was caught behind a herd of elephants heading towards Castlecaulfield. You think cow-pats are bad. These boys drop monster-sized dungs and then swipe the stuff at your windscreen with their trunks. Then from the Killyliss Road we were attacked by a shower of monkeys. I’ll never complain again about oul Cullen’s cattle.”
Carrickmore residents however have welcomed the arrival of 44 camels. Mary Kelly, a lady of the night, admitted:
“They’ve been a welcome addition to the Carmen landscape. These boys can haul 600 bales no bother and only need a spoonful of water. Also, their milk is less fattening. Women are drinking straight from the teet and are losing pounds by the day. And the humps are good oul craic too.”
However, an oranguan in Donemana is proving to be a social pest, spying on women getting ready by hanging upside down from guttering.
Crucial Talks Between Springsteen And Harte Remain Deadlocked
In an unprecedented move, US ambassador for Ireland Hank Power has arrived in Clones to broker a peace deal between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Harte who have been at loggerheads for 24 hours over the timing of Saturday’s concert and Tyrone/Kildare game. Delegations for both parties arrived in Clones on Tuesday morning to thrash out a deal that hoped to see Springsteen delay the start of his concert til about 11pm to cater for the returning Tyrone fans from Newbridge.
After three hours of stalemate, Harte and Springsteen arrived to slug it out head to head with both in bad twist about being woken up. It is understood that Harte promised to win or lose the game in normal time so that there’d be no extra time and all fans and players would be at the King’s Hall by 11 if he delayed it to then. An eye witness told us that Springsteen lost the head:
“Bruce lost the bap completely like. The veins were showing in his neck and he was saying things like ‘You think you’re the boss. I’m the boss goddamit’. Harte was giving it out well. He was shouting ‘Born In The USA? I was born in Glencull and don’t you forget it.’ I thought the boxing was about to start.”
Springsteen attempted a compromise by suggesting he put a big screen up showing the game so that Tyrone supporters could enjoy both at the same time. He said he’d even sing Old Ardboe or the Hills Above Drumquin. Harte rejected the offer, stating that it would affect the players knowing their family and friends were at the concert. Things turned nasty with Springsteen saying the “Glory Days” were well and truly over for Tyrone and that Mugsy should be in the squad. Harte told Bruce he could ‘sing none’ and that in terms of another All-Ireland he was still very much a ‘hungry Harte’.
Talks continue.
Moy Man Spotted Clapping And Smiling At Armagh Game. Public Punishment Considered.
The man, masked.
Photographic and video footage has finally confirmed rumours that a high profile Moy man, locally named as ‘Mac’, was seen openly smiling and even clapping as Armagh struck eight goals past Leitrim last weekend. The man’s best friend has moved quickly to defend the once-popular clubman by explaining to journalists gathered outside Tomney’s that he was only putting it on to impress a woman from Armagh he’d been chasing for a while. Locals, however, are refusing to accept this theory. Tom Donaghy (67) said:
“Listen, if God himself said he was an Armagh man I still wouldn’t be smiling and clapping when they scored. I’d rather be savaged by a pack of ravenous hounds. I’ve had my suspicions about this fellow for years now. He has a history of straddling the Blackwater. This man needs to be tied to a tree in the middle of the village with a sign hanging around his neck saying “Up Armagh”. Unfortunately he might like that though.”
The man’s family are refusing to comment though an unnamed cousin claimed he’s not surprised:
“Ah he’s an old romantic. One time he was going with a French girl and he started wearing stripy jumpers and berets. It didn’t make him any less a Tyrone man. Smiling at an Armagh goal might be hard for some to swallow but there’s worse things out there. However, if he did clap I cannot defend him. I would disown the fella too. A flogging might be justified here. See if he goes to Galway this weekend….”
The Moy GAA committee have called an extraordinary meeting to decide on how they will deal with the whole debacle. Video footage is being closely studied with lip-readers expected to confirm whether he said “deadly stuff” after the 6th goal. ‘Mac’ is expected to claim an unreasonable hatred of Leitrim in his defence.
Water Cannons May Be Deployed At The Glenelly Rockin By The River Festival
Glenelly this weekend, possibly
The Glenelly Rockin By The River Festival organisers have reminded punters that they won’t be trigger-shy if things cut up rough during the Nathan Carter concert and have especially warned women who may let excitement get the better of them. Having watched with interest the goings-on in Belfast at the weekend, Glenelly officials were quick to ask for a loan of one of the water cannons but added a sinister warning:
“Let us assure you, we’ll be testing this yoke to its capacity. And it’ll not just be water coming out of it if people don’t behave.”
Organisers have drawn up a list of potential troublemakers, topped by women from Plumbridge who have a reputation for going ‘buck mad’ when they hear country music.
“Yes, it is true that Plumbridge women are high on our radar, especially after they wrecked the hall during Hugo’s charity concert last summer. Any sign of wrecking during Carter’s concert and they’ll be getting the hose on them. Even if we think we don’t like the look of someone they’ll be sent 60ft into the air without warning. We’ll show these PSNI ones how it’s done.”
The use of dye in the water has not been ruled out as well as throwing in a distinctive odour.
“The Chinese wouldn’t be behind the door when it comes to using dye. We’ll be spraying pink at drunken lads. Also, a fertiliser will be added if Carter is inundated with women’s knickers. Tam Jones emailed us to say he wished he’d done a concert in Glenelly if that had been the policy back in his day.”
Organisers have added that there’s almost a 99% chance of the water cannon being deployed during the More Power To Your Elbow concert on Saturday, simply to give the locals a “much-needed wash” for Mass the next day. Shower gel will be added.
Dark Secret Discovered In Derrylaughan
Derrylaughan, this morning
Top secret papers were today discovered in a bin near the Washingbay which suggest that a 100-year campaign of manufactured romances, courtships and marriages has resulted in 99% of children born in Derrylaughan having the perfect physical characteristics for stooling turf.
Although not as severe as the US and Nazi methods of ‘eugenics’ over 100 years ago which saw the sterilisation of people they thought were ‘weak’, it is clear that men or women who did not have good long arms and curved back for the bog had their romances sabotaged by all manner of skulduggery.
Susie McAliskey, a 67 year old spinster who now lives in California, claims it all makes sense now:
“Even though I was the prettiest girl in the area, I never seemed to be able to get a man. Any time I did a bit of flirting down at the club or in Falls’ Bar, the lad would mysteriously go home or disappear for a year or two. It happened nearly every time. One fella even told me he couldn’t go out with me as he heard I had a big moustache. I told him to look at me sure I had the smoothest skin in Ireland. He just ran away. Now I know that ‘the lads’ were sabotaging my chances by having a word in the ear of any potential suitors. All because I hadn’t the perfect features for stooling turf.”
The secret papers reveal that parents were asked to identify children who weren’t good at stooling so that the Derrylaughan Betterment Committee could keep an eye that they didn’t strike up any courtships within the townland. Suspected Ex-committee member Barney Taggert claims it’s an exaggeration.
“The fact that nearly every child born here has the perfectly bent spine and long arms is simply down to the diet here of pollans and cabbage. Nothing sinister there. Susie McAliskey did have a moustache by the way. It was blonde so it was mostly camouflaged.”
The documents have been passed on to the United Nations who have reiterated they’re not afraid to send in troops to stop this practice.
Early reports suggest that almost three thousand 18-20 year olds with straight backs and normal arms were ‘encouraged’ to leave Derrylaughan, settling in England, Australia, USA or closer to Coalisland since 1920.
Ballygawley Priest, Banned From Singing During Mass, To Defy Orders.
Shevlin during the Our Father
A Ballygawley clergyman has been told by his peers to cut out the singing parts during any service due to complaints from the congregation that it was setting off hearing aids and bothering babies. Fr Shelvin (61) has been PP in the area for a few years and often sang up to 50% of the mass, even bits of his homily. The church sacristan, Maggie McAleer, maintains it was about time action was taken:
“I vividly recall the first time I heard him sing. It was like a cross between a cat in heat and rubbing a shovel fornenst metal. He’d be singing nearly every bit of it too, even whilst dishing out the communion. At the end everyone used to roar ‘Thanks be to God’ but I think they meant it in a different way than oul Shelvin thought they did. People would run from the building, weans crying and pensioners banging their hearing aids. You’d think in Maynooth they’d practise the singing a bit during those seven years”
Reports suggest a recording was sent to the current Pope who supposedly cursed in Italian before slapping a ban on him singing until he was trained up by one of those singing priests. Shelvin is reluctant to follow orders:
“These Ballygawley ones would need to lighten up a bit. When I was seven I won the Quinn’s Corner ‘Sing Like Baby Elvis’ competition with a spirited rendition of Wooden Heart. You don’t become a bad singer overnight like. I’ve sent Pope Francis a tape of me singing ‘The Heat Is On’ and ‘The Final Countdown’ in the bath this morning. Who does he think he is anyway – Simon Cowell? I’ll be singing this Sunday so the people of Ballygawley can lump it.”
Bookies reckon there’ll be no drop in numbers as Shelvin does Mass in 23 minutes on average, more than half the time of the other boy in the parish. Skin-coloured camouflaged earmuffs will be sold outside though by McAleer with funds going towards 100 pairs of gutties for the local walking club.
Eglish Man Gives In To 21st Century And Buys CD Player
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Eglish finally succumbed to the relentless march of progress and bought a CD player on Saturday afternoon in Dungannon.
“I’ve always been an early adapter with all the new technologies, and buy stuff just as they come onto the market”, said Terry Malloy, an astro-physicist from Eglish. “I was one of the first to buy a fax machine about three years ago and you still don’t see very many of them about. I’ve always loved vinyl but now it’s time to embrace the modern world, and this Amstrad CD player is a beauty”.
Malloy bought the Amstrad CD430 stereo system for £35 from Johnny Skinner’s hardware shop in Dungannon, which comes complete with a twin-deck tape recorder.
“Two tape recorders, not just one!” said a proud Malloy. “So I can tape the CDs and then play them on my Walkman when I’m in the lab smashing photons into each other. Did you know that it’s got something on it called ‘Shuffle’? I know what you’re thinkin’. But it’s nothing to do with playing cards. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like putting all the songs that were in one order into a different order but not the same different order every time but a different different order. I’m still getting my head round it”, admitted Malloy, shaking his head in wonder. “Everyone will have one of these soon”, he predicted. “Well, maybe not them ones in Greencastle”.
Malloy’s first foray into the CD market was the purchase of Daniel O’Donnell’s ‘Moon Over Ireland’ album. Unfortunately, he got so excited about hearing the Donegal pensioner-botherer, the CD got badly scratched when Malloy got confused and tried to play it on his old record deck.
“Fitting 70 minutes of music onto this wee disc thing is deadly”, enthused Malloy. “In like a hundred years, they might find a way of squeezing maybe 2 hours onto it, but I’m not holding my breath. Jaysus, it would be like something out of Doctor Who or Space 1999”
Bono Spotted In Beragh. Speculation Rife.
Bono in Beragh in broad daylight
Beragh has been awash with theories today as to why Bono has apparently moved there with speculation that it’s a charity initiative gone wrong the most probable reason. The U2 frontman has been spotted dandering around the village and country lanes patting children on the head and crying whilst humming sad songs that haven’t been written yet.
Local joiner Paddy Grimes reckons he’s sure why the sun-glassed millionaire has moved to the area:
“The oul eejit thinks this is Bosnia or Baghdad or something like that and is here on some kind of humanitarian mission. Beragh might be finding it tough in this recession but Jaysus it’s not that bad like. The Costcutters have been charging £1.50 for a 2-litre bottle of semi-skimmed but that’s hardly good enough reason for a full scale disaster appeal. I wonder is Sting coming too.”
Others do not share Grimes’ thinking. Paula Agnew thinks it’s a much more sinister development:
“Even the dogs in the street know that Beragh’s the epicentre for dirty diesel, cheap fags and benefit fraud. This Bono boy isn’t behind the door when it comes to financial hoodwinkery and I think he’s crying to sneakily merge himself in to the Beragh culture. I saw him at the Beragh game against Loughmacrory last week and he was watching the corner backs closely. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Dub togs out next week. Can’t be any worse than we have though.”
With the Beragh Manure Matrix on next week, others are suggesting he’s after the pure bred limousine – the prize if anyone can guess where the heifer will dung on the field. Sean Collins is sure he’s sussing out the competition:
“That’s what it is. He’s after the cattle, the bollix. Well, for all his millions he’s still only allowed to pick one square. If he wins fair enough. If not, he can head back to America or Gibraltar after singing maybe two or three songs.”
Bookies are siding with Grimes and believe he’s here to sound out a benefit concert, with Sting, Beyonce, Malachi Cush and Tom Jones joining him for the big day. This morning he was witnessed giving brown money to children playing iPads in the park. The Edge has not been spotted yet.
Tullyallen Triangle Marching Band To Debut This Sunday
Band practice
The small village of Tullyallen is to make history this Sunday at a junior football game when their 12-man triangle band make their first appearance in public. The band, made up of mostly pensioners from Killeeshil, Cabragh and Dungannon, promise to play classics like ‘Finnegan’s Wake‘, ‘Lily the Pink‘ and ‘Big Strong Man‘ on their triangles. It is the first band made up of triangles in Ireland, probably Europe and possibly the world.
Band leader, Sadie McGuigan (76) told us:
“We were all saying it was a great pity that the pipe band had gone under, over 50 years ago. So we agreed to resurrect it but realised no one had a note in their head. Someone remembered playing the triangle in the 1950s at a primary school play and so we bought 12 triangles. Lo and behold, we all sounded the same and it has just taken off from there. We’re very excited to be putting Tullyallen back on the map.”
Killeeshil have asked the band to play for 20 mins before the game with Drumragh as well as marching around the field in a parade. McGuigan is fully aware of the task ahead:
“We just know the three songs on the triangle so I’ve worked it out we might need to play each about 30 times. For the parade we’ll just make something up, maybe ‘Whiskey in the Jar‘. “
McGuigan reacted angrily when asked if anyone will be able to make out the songs as every note sounds the same:
“Away and jump. Triangle playing is one of the hardest instruments to master. That’s why no one has attempted a band before. Anyway, people can just pretend to hear whatever song they like when we play. That’s the beauty of the triangle. In our heads it might be ‘Paddy McGinty’s Goat‘ – in your head it might be ‘Faith of our Fathers‘. Everyone’s a winner.”
The pre-match festivities kick off at 2:30pm.
Dungannon Council Down To Its Last Pen
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon and South Tyrone Council last night announced that it is down to its last Bic pen, and that there will be no more available until the end of the fiscal year in 2014.
“To be honest we made a hames of it” said an embarrassed source in the Council’s procurement team. “The budget gets allocated every April for stationery and stuff, but we got so excited about ordering some iPads that we forgot to put the order in for pens. It’s too late now. All the money’s spent”.
Councillor Enda McMann confirmed that all Council staff will have to go for the next ten months without pens.
“Staff have volunteered to bring in their own pens from home but obviously we can’t allow that under the Data Protection Act. We can’t have non-Council pens used for writing down sensitive information. That would be dangerous. And illegal. Probably”.
Staff are now trying to use other items at their disposal, including the dregs of paint from the make-over given to Council offices in May ‘in case Obama popped in after the G8’. The most popular alternative has been using crayons left over by councillors at their frequent brain-storming sessions.
McMann said, “Official minutes from council meetings will no longer be recorded although to be honest we usually forgot to take notes anyway. And how are we supposed to fill out expenses forms if we have nothing to write with? It’s a logistical nightmare”.
The Council agreed last night at a crisis meeting to issue a tender to outsource the supply of pens by appointing a sub-contractor, a move likely to cost the taxpayer in the region of £3 million. “In a strange way it probably makes sense” admitted McMann, “because we can use them to get paper for the printing machines. We forgot to order that too”. The tender process will take approximately 12 months.
Old Railway Line From Cookstown To Dungannon To Become A Massive Ghost Train Ride
How it might look
The old railway line between Cookstown and Dungannon, visiting Stewartstown and Coalisland, may be getting touched up under ambitious plans by the council to create a ‘deadly long ghost train ride’ for bored children and stressed parents. The railway line, last used in the late 50s, has been declared ‘probably near enough intact’ and only requires a bit of hammering here and there as well as hedge cutting and a couple of buildings knocked down.
Madcap optimist Concubar Corr is certain he can pull this off:
“I’m never done hearing about unruly children terrorising East Tyrone by gathering in corners and sniggering whilst parents are out of their wits worried about their social development. Then one day I was hoking around a ditch in Tullyhogue and spotted the disused railway line. The idea hit me straight away – I can use this to solve all our delinquency problems. I can build a ghost train stretching 10 miles and taking 2 hours to complete. 4 hours if you go back the same way.”
Corr has set out the fearsome sights the train passengers will encounter on the journey. They include:
- Boys in Stewartstown jumping out from behind hedges shouting ‘yahoooooo’ and other frightful sounds.
- At Lisnastraine have TV licence men stand about staring at parents on the train or dole officers pretending to take notes.
- In Coalisland there’ll be women striking sliotars at the passengers
- The whole way have planted workers secretly making “wooooooooo” noises every 2-3 minutes
“I understand we need to ask a few householders to knock down internal walls so that the train can follow its original route but we’ll look for compensation for them like 3 free rides or something. Sure won’t it be great craic seeing a train pass through your living room whilst watching The One Show. I already have 41 bookings even though we haven’t checked if the line is still there. I’ve only checked from Cookstown to Sandholes, about 1 mile.”
Rides will cost £20 per child or £100 for a family ticket.
Derrytresk To Host Its First Orange March
In what has been described as a historic gesture that’ll reverberate across the globe, Derrytresk are to host a 12th of July parade for the brethren up at Tamnamore. The controversial decision has been roundly applauded with a couple of high profile republican and unionist ministers declaring that they’ll think about going if there’s nothing else on.
The march’s chief organiser, Sadie McClure, outlined the schedule:
“The band and its supporters will arrive at about 11. We’ve commissioned a few desks from Kingsisland School and a couple of women say they’ll prepare a pile of mineral, maybe 10 jugs of diluted juice, and we’ll have the mineral sitting on the desks at the electric pole outside the pitch. I’m making cheese sandwiches and the barman says he’ll throw up a couple of packets of Bacon Fries.”
The route itself is slightly less straight forward according to McClure:
“It’s a wee bit tricky. They’ll be marching mostly across barren ramparts the whole way to Drumurrer, negotiating a few hateful ditches that have claimed small dogs in the past. We’ve asked Johnny Hagan to tie up his buck goat for that one day. It roams the moss along with Tomney’s bull. It can’t be tied so we’d be hoping the lambeg drummer will give it a few skites if it runs for them. It should be ok.”
The PSNI have revealed they will not be patrolling the march as there’s nowhere to stand and no jeeps can access the route anyway.
Tamnamore have said they’ll return the favour next Easter Sunday with the Derrytresk Ceile Band allowed to parade around their roundabout about 20 times hassle free.
“White-Van Men” – The Sexiest In Tyrone
Dromore van man earlier
A door-to-door survey has revealed that white-van men make Tyrone women go weak at the knees, surpassing firemen for the first time in 150 years. An emphatic 99% of women from as far apart as Castlederg and Moortown say that the sight of a man in a white van makes their jaw drop and brightens up their day no end. A further 88% say the dirtier the van the better.
Julie Tierney, a musician from the Moy, explained:
“Ah Jaysus don’t talk. About 25 years ago my boiler was being served by what could only be described as the ugliest man I’d ever set eyes on. He had a big bushy moustache that seemed to hold the contents of his last week’s meals in it. He was about 22 stone yet only 5 feet tall. It was a shocking experience. However, as he left I saw him climb into this Ford Transit van that was covered in dung from top to bottom. But you could tell it was a white van. I immediately fell in love with this man and we’ve been married 24 years now and have 9 middlin looking children.”
The survey also specified that the dirtier the man and van the better. Julie shouted:
“Yes, we don’t really fall for the men in suits delivering Asda stuff or Powerscreen men and the like. It’s the plumbers, plasterers, joiners, sparks and general hands-on men with spanners in their back pockets, filthy nails and knee-torn jeans that are hanging off them that turn us weak at the knees. Jaysus I’m getting all bothered here thinking about them.”
The Greenvale in Cookstown has seen a rise in men turning up for the discos in white vans since the findings of the survey were published. Chief fireman Pat Mangan claims it’s only a flash in the pan:
“Bastards. Them and their oul white rust buckets. We’ll up our game in the morning. Women can’t resist the sight of a man wrestling with a hose. Cats will be washed down from trees in future.”
Loughmacrory Man Still Traumatised After Landing Jumbo Jet On Playstation
Loughmacrory earlier
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man is still recovering from the trauma of having successfully landed a jumbo jet on his son’s Playstation.
Felix McVeigh, 38, an unemployed light bulb installer from Loughmacrory, took over the controls in an emergency with virtually no previous experience, after his 10 year old son Kieran vomited his lunch all over his legs whilst playing the game.
“I acted on instinct”, admitted the modest father. “I grabbed the joystick and immediately engaged the autopilot, checking that the flight coordinates correlated to the airport bearing. Jaysus, it wasn’t easy. My eyes were waterin’ from the stench of puke. I quickly fecked Kieran up to the bathroom and told him to get changed. I took a deep breath, and sat down to the challenge of my life. Landing the biggest passenger plane in the world”.
The game, ‘Wingthrust Simulator Extreme’, was given to young Kieran for his birthday in March. A Playstation 4 multi-platform game, it allows the player to fly the simulator controls of the massive twin-level Airbus A380 aircraft, taking off at a factually accurate San Francisco Airport and landing at an equally realistic London Heathrow.
“The psychological pressure of landing this computer-generated monster was huge”, said McVeigh. “It was all I could do to hold my nerve. At one stage I got so nervous the bowl of Doritos nearly fell off my lap. But by the time I was 6 virtual miles away and I pressed Button 2 to lower the landing gear, I knew there was no going back”.
McVeigh re-lived the final few moments before the successful landing, saying that he struggled in particular with modulating the auto-throttle to reduce height and speed, engaging the omni-bearing selector to the correct runway heading, and trying to Sky Plus ‘Cash In The Attic’ before it started.
However, since the incident McVeigh has suffered from sleepless nights, and believes he may be suffering from PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.
“There were 540 virtual passengers depending on me. Their lives were in my hands. You can’t comprehend that sort of mental pressure. And I’m not after recognition or anything like that, but to be honest the response from the Loughmacrory community has been cat. Andrea Begley gets a hero’s welcome and a camera crew just for singing some songs. What do I get for saving the lives of hundreds of passengers? Feck all. Fair enough, the passengers didn’t actually exist, but that’s not the point, is it? What if they had, eh? Exactly”.
McVeigh compared his feat to that of US pilot Chesley Sullenberger, who was given the Freedom of New York City after safely landing an Airbus A320 on the River Hudson in 2009 after a flock of geese flew into its engines.
“Sullenberger did okay but in a way my job was even more difficult. He didn’t have to deal with his wife phoning half-way through the final approach asking what the feck he was doing sitting on his arse all day doing nothing and suchlike”.
McVeigh has made a request via the local Council to be given the ‘Freedom of Loughmacrory’, which entitles the holder to ridicule a shire horse in Welsh on a Tuesday.
Cookstown Writer ‘Certain’ That Next James Bond Movie Will Be Filmed In Tyrone
Bond for Cookstown?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A self-styled scriptwriter from Tyrone has confirmed that he has received an ‘almost definite yes’ from Hollywood that the next James Bond film will be based in and around Tyrone.
“I finished the script last week and sent if off”, declared a proud Daragh McGee, from Cookstown. “And I’ve had a letter back thanking me for it. It’s a done deal as far as I’m concerned. Bond is coming to Tyrone!” He went on, “See, lots of ‘Skyfall’ got filmed in London, so we’ll do the same in Tyrone. We’ll showcase the county. Imagine doing some of it in Greencastle. That’d be deadly. And they can use special effects to get rid of all the weird-looking ones in the final cut. Some boost for the area and the revenue could be spent on free drink or something for the locals”.
McGee was coy about revealing too much of the story, and then promptly told us the entire plot.
“Bond becomes embroiled in this conspiracy all about dirty diesel. He flies helicopters, shoots stuff, kills people, and gives a few deadly-lookin’ wemin plenty of hammer along the way”, said the writer. He admitted, “It might need a bit more work but them Hollywood boys can sort it out. I’ve done the hard bit. And the movie ends in this lethal fight to the death between Bond and the villain in the middle of Ballygawley roundabout with lorries and tractors whizzin’ by. Imagine that. Class”.
McGee as yet is undecided on a title but says he is toying with the idea of ‘From Cappagh with Love’, or ‘Quantum of Diffing’.
The Cookstown man has always had a deep fondness for the Bond movies.
“Nobody knows the James Bond films like me”, he asserted. “I know them inside out and back to front. As the current Bond, I’d say Pierce Brosnan is definitely the best. He was deadly in ‘The Spies Who Loved Them’. Some film”.
The scriptwriter confirmed that he has already commenced auditioning for the part of the beautiful Bond girl, and also for other parts.
“For the evil villain I wanted someone that looks tara scary and grotesque, like Gollum out of ‘Lord of The Rings’ only worser and uglier. I auditioned down in Mountfield last Friday night and there was that many I was fighting them off with a stick. I’m not even sure some of them were there for the evil villain audition. They were just hanging around. At least we’d save on the prosthetic make-up”. McGee went on to add, “Come to think of it, some of the wemin who turned up for the Bond girl could probably have auditioned for it”.
McGee concluded, “Thon Alfred Hitchcock was some boy to have written all those James Bond books. I hope to be able to tell him that in person if he comes over for the filming and stuff. He can stay at my aunt’s in Donaghmore. She’s got a spare settee and sleeping bag”.
Tyrone ‘School Of Plastering’ Opens In Kildress To Improve Spreading Standards
A finished job in Cappagh
In order to combat the sharp decline in plastering skills in the county, the Tyrone County Council have opened a School of Plastering in Kildress which will teach youngsters who aspire to be plasterers the basic skills in the trade. The move comes after a series of street protests all over the county complaining about the cowboy spreading jobs being carried out in most new developments.
Peter Carney, a plasterer from Clonoe with 44 years experience, fully supports the new school:
“It has been a long time coming. I stopped taking on apprentices after a series of unbelievable mishaps last year. I took on a team of young lads from Brocagh and Derrylaughan for a big job in the Moy. Never again. I told one of them to scratch a wall for me. I came back an hour later and he was literally scratching a wall with his fingernails the way you’d scratch a cat. The poor fellow’s fingers were dripping with blood. Another boy was using the bible as a straight edge.”
Jack Kelly (61) from Galbally added:
“I took a nephew from Greencastle on last month. He arrived with what he thought were the tools needed. He brought a rubber duck (plastic float), a pet budgie (hawk) and a towel (trowel). And his da’s a spark too. I told him to go out and get a scratching tool and he came with nothing but a worried face and said ‘sure I can scratch ye’. I’d have been better off taking my ma with me and she’s 97 and deaf but a damn decent spread.”
So far 300 have signed up for the Plastering Summer School with the first week’s topic “How To Use A Darby” already in progress. Mary Farrell, a mother to 7 teenage sons, says all her lads will be attending:
“It was either that of the Gaeltacht. There’ll be plenty of time for curtin’ when they’re older so it’s off to the spreading school for them. There’ll be no curtin’ there hopefully.”
A place on the Spreading Degree course costs £300 and runs for 6 weeks.
Killyman Man Laments Loss of ‘Good Old-Fashioned Prejudice’ During Visit To London
A thing of the past?
A man returning from a holiday in London is thinking about complaining to the Lord Mayor’s office after having been treated with courtesy and friendliness throughout the visit.
63 year old Patrick Dunn from Killyman worked in Cricklewood in the 1970s as a bricklayer and labourer, and expected a very different type of reception from the one he received when he went for a month’s holiday in May to visit some of his old haunts in north west London.
“Thon feckers couldn’t have been nicer”, complained Dunn. “What’s that all about? I remember the times when the Irish were treated as proper outcasts. I was fully expecting some old-fashioned discrimination so that I could go into O’Donnell’s Bar in Kilburn and moan about it. I couldn’t, could I? Everyone was lovely. And also because they’ve turned it into a delicatessen”.
In an effort to experience more traditional discrimination, Dunn met up with a West Indian friend of his and after finding a stray collie dog went to look for bed and breakfast accommodation, expecting to be given his marching orders very quickly.
“Jaysus, did the first door we knock on not offer us 50% off for 3 nights and that the dog would be most welcome”, said a disappointed Dunn. “What’s the world coming to? They were so lovely I ended up staying for a week. Evil hoors. They were even calling me ‘Mister Dunn’. Mister Dunn? I thought they were takin’ the haun out of me, but then they said they they didn’t want to call me Paddy for fear of offending me. And Paddy’s my bloody name. What about my rights? Where’s all the old-fashioned intolerance, eh? I was even getting offers of work without so much as asking for it. I’m a brickie by trade. I build walls. But I got offered full-time work as a plumber, a vet, a systems analyst, and a Boeing 747 pilot. I couldn’t believe it. What’s the world coming to? It was a nightmare. Especially the jet lag after flying jumbos all day”.
“I don’t know. They bloody love the Irish over there”, lamented Dunn. “I won’t be going back”.
County Tyrone’s Top-Ranked Tennis Player Gutted About Not Making It To Final Rounds
Tyrone’s no.1
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone’s highest-ranked tennis player, Connor Muldoon from Dregish, has once again failed to make it to the final stages of Wimbledon.
Whilst official world rankings only include the top 1,000 players, it is believed that Muldoon, whilst number 1 in Tyrone, ranks approximately 6-millionth in the world. He tried to enter this year’s Wimbledon tournament on the wild card entry system, but was rejected on the grounds of not having the necessary funds to travel to London, lack of an authenticated playing record, and for not having a tennis racquet.
“I’m devastated”, said the forlorn player. “I really thought that this was going to be my year. With Roger Federal and the other one already knocked out, I could have gone all the way. If I had just got in in the first place”.
Muldoon was originally tipped to win the tournament by bookies in Omagh as somewhat of an outsider at odds of 10,000,000 to 1.
“That proves my point, see?” said Muldoon. “A 1 in 10 million chance. That means even the bookies think I’ve got a chance. And they haven’t even seen me play. I’m deadly. And thon strawberries and cream are quare. I’d be horsin’ them into them by the punnet. I’d fit right in. And I reckon I could take thon Venus brothers on and give them a right going over”.
Muldoon had plenty of advice to offer the current contenders.
“I’ve been watching the technique of thon Scotch boy Andy Murdoch, and he’s vulnerable”, he said. “When he hits the ball with the bat thing he’s not hitting it hard enough. He should hit it harder. I can hit the ball really hard. They’re my favourites. Bang! Like that. Mighty. And he needs to work on his tantrums. They’re not tantrums. I’ll show him tantrums. If thon referee called one of my hits out I’d drag him off his big ladder and cut the lining out of him. I’d stick that Hawkeye yolk right up his arse. That’d learn him”.
“I’m definitely going to win Wimbledon next year”, said a determined Muldoon. “Once I learn the rules there’ll be no stopping me”.
Tyrone Tribulations 