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“I Wouldn’t Trust A Brackaville Man To Go To The Shop For Me” Says Coalisland Lady
Brackaville Man Doing Shopping For A Newmills Woman
Recent comments by First Minister Peter Robinson have opened a can of worms in the county as pubs, clubs and homes debate who they’d trust to go to the shops for them. Early figures show an extremely low percentage of trustworthiness within the county with no one in Coalisland prepared to admit they’d allow a Brackaville man or woman to go to the shops for them.
Regular mass-goer, and founder of the Christian Ethos In Coalisland group, Maire Lyons was crystal clear with her take on the issue of trust:
“As long as there’s breath in my body, I’d never allow a Brackavillonian to go to the shops for me. Put it like this, if you gave one of them money and a shopping bag and told them to get bread, milk and the papers for you, you’d never see that bag again. Or maybe you would but they’d be wearing it. Themuns are a shower of heathens up there. They’d take the eye out of your head if you stood still long enough. The bible says we’re all God’s children but they must be a different species completely.”
Such views were replicated throughout the county with only 3% of Urney folk trusting Clady locals to do the shopping for them. At the other end of the scale there appeared to be evidence of a love-in between Galbally and Donaghmore with 88% of Galballians trusting their neighbours to go to the Spar for them. Pat McGinn explained:
“Ah I love it when I ask someone from up the road to go to the shop for me for a pound of mince or a packet of sausage rolls. Them Donaghmore ones are wild generous and sometimes you’d look into the bag and they’ve thrown in about £300 worth of food and jewels and stuff. People say Donaghmore is the Kengsinton of Tyrone but I’d not have a bad word said about them. They even throw coppers at us in the pub. Wild kind.”
Meanwhile, an unexpected figure of 76% trustworthiness between Ardboe and Moortown residents was exposed as a fraud after it was revealed both areas have applied for a £30’000 grant to build a ‘Friendship Wall’ between them. Rumours suggest the money will be drank.
Masterchef Tyrone Axed After ‘Disappointing Standard’ Says BBC
Not a fan of corned beef in buttery soda bread
The much-anticipated ‘Masterchef Tyrone’ has been shelved after only three episodes when presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace refused to taste one more bite from the county’s hopeful culinary candidates.
The new regional series which saw contestants from Strabane, Killyclogher, Brackaville and Cookstown will now not air as promised and has instead been cut up and edited for special episodes of blooper shows such as You’ve Been Framed and It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Camerawoman on the set and former Miss Castlecaulfield 1988 Jenny Robinson explained the decision:
“I agreed with the presenters. The stuff was inedible. In the third series they were asked to make their signature dish and yer man from Strabane opened an old tin of corned beef, didn’t scrape off the fat, and stuck it between two lumps of soda bread smothered in butter. He added a few bits of grass for effect around the plate and told the two experts to ‘get yer gob around that’. Gregg Wallace, who has an enormous appetite, threw up on the first chew.”
Brackaville man Mick Rea was disgusted at the hasty decision:
“This is nearly a form of racism. Just because they don’t like our food they pull the plug. For my signature I made sausages inside a coat of bacon, smothered in a drippy but lightly fried egg with lashing of salt. As a side dish I chopped up some Love Hearts and melted a Snickers to give the plate a chocolatty sophisticated design. If I made that in Brackaville I’d be kicked around the golf course for being a snobby oul hoor. But not good enough for these two BBC lads. Discrimination.”
BBC defended the decision after revealing their two presenters were suffering from severe stomach cramps from the previous episode when Killyclogher’s Jennifer Grugan surprised the experts by misreading ‘crab pie’ as ‘crap pie’. That episode has been destroyed.
Brolly To Star In Washingbaywatch After Controversial Comments
On our screens this summer
Following the uproar and public apology over Joe Brolly’s comments on Rachel Wyse’s appointment as the Sky Sports GAA presenter, the Dungiven man is to prove he has turned over a new leaf by staring in a 3-part action drama on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Brolly will play Butch Colcannon, a lifeguard stationed down at the Washingbay in East Tyrone, who makes sure stray female bathers don’t get caught up in weeds or strangled by eels from the Sargasso Sea.
The show’s PR agent Danny Donnelly is sure that this mini-series will shunt Brolly back into everyone’s good books:
“Joe really wants to prove to the Irish audience that he’s a dead-on guy. His appearance as Butch Colcannon will win back the hearts of the housewife and the respect of the husband. Joe has already been receiving expert training from American navy seals and can now comfortably diffuse an underwater bomb designed to obliterate a shoal of whales who accidentally swim up the Bann. That sort of gives away the second episode but I just wanted to highlight how serious he is taking this.”
Butch’s love interest, a hairdresser from Brackaville who rekindles a friendship they had when a young Butch used to throw stones with her at the Brits in the village whilst holidaying there in the early 70s, is to be played by Miss Edendork 1988 Jackie Mallon who also holds a 20m swimming badge from Dungannon Leisure Centre.
Donnelly added:
“Joe will come across as someone who is accepting of women in powerful jobs, homosexuality, ethnic minorities, the Cavanaghs, cats, the Chinese, Bellaghy ones, Jews, transvestites, leprechauns, county music, the DUP, bald people, soccer fans and many others in the three episodes. It’ll be what the doctor ordered.”
Episode one of Washingbaywatch will be filmed at the shore this weekend. See BBC Traffic Watch for road closures.
Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland
New Brackaville-Free Campaign Poster
Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.
The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.
The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:
“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”
Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:
“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”
Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:
“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”
Brackaville Men ‘Most Desirable On Planet’ Says American Magazine
Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally
In an article titled ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back’, an American lifestyle magazine ‘Hotter’ remarkably claimed last week that Brackaville men are every woman’s fantasy as well as every other man’s nightmare. The publication, which is read by 12 million people across the States, based their findings on three Brackaville men who holidayed in Los Angeles recently and wooed local women with their knowledge of engines and drinking.
Hillary Scott, Relationship Expert for the magazine, explained further:
“I think their surnames were Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally. They arrived over on the Sunday and by Wednesday half of LA were hanging around their front door, pretending to have car problems. I myself pulled up saying my vehicle was spluttering. Well Gillis, in his flannelette checked shirt unbuttoned to his naval, oily arms and sweet smell of grass, came over and kicked my tyres several times. He obviously knew what he was doing. Then in those dulcet Irish tones he said ‘she’s a baste of a motor thon’. Well I swooned.”
Not all were enamoured with their presence as husbands and boyfriends sulked at home whilst their ladyfriends talked nonstop over phones and texts about ‘going Brack’ for a night.
“We were glad to see the back of those dudes,” Hank Young told us. “Our womenfolk were drooling in their sleep. And I can see why. They gave off the impression they hadn’t washed in weeks and slept in their clothes. How can an American man compete with that wild rugged look? And they can drink. Boy they can down them.”
Meanwhile Brackaville’s plans to have ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back‘ on their signpost coming out of Coalisland have been scuppered by Aughabrack who claim to have patented the phrase years ago.
Brackaville Pop Duo Record Coalisland Tribute: ‘Island In The Stream’
From Brackaville
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A young couple from Tyrone hope to make it big in the charts by launching their debut single which could also put Coalisland firmly on the pop music map.
Using a cover version of the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic ‘Islands in the Stream’ with amended lyrics, Killian Grugan and Clare Toner, both from Brackaville, will release ‘Island in the Stream’ next month, inspired by the heavy rain experienced by the town in recent weeks, when at one stage Main Street almost turned into a river.
Unemployed sandwich-filler Toner, 22, agreed to share the lyrics of the first verse, which retains the same tune as the Dolly Parton version:
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Maybe it’s the people or the pelting rain
Or our Belfast links, it’s fifteen minutes there and back
Disneyland has nothing on our Newell Stores
Tiger Woods once played at Brackaville’s golf course
And our wemin he loved, Coalisland girls are mad for craic
The chorus then goes on:
‘Island in the Stream
Of that there is no doubt
Come see our deadly Spar
And mini-roundabout
Take a lovely cruise on our quare canal
And we’ve the Central Bar, ha ha
And the Yankee Star, ha ha
Other verses remain a secret but Toner revealed,
“We’ve done a whole verse on the parking facilities in the ‘Island, and we were going to do more on transport links but we couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with Ulsterbus”.
She went on to explain how the idea came about on the spur of the moment.
“One day we popped into O’Neill’s when it was bucketing down for a quick one, and we had this wile idea. Let’s put the ‘Island on the map. They were playing Dolly Parton in the background and we both love Dolly so what better way to big up the ‘Island than re-writing one of her best songs? To be honest we were hammered by that time, but fair play we’ve carried it through. We’re going to be the biggest boy/girl pop group since them ones like Sonny and Cher, or Cagney and Lacey.”
Grugan, 24, a full-time ear defender, responded to questions over the accuracy of the lyrics, saying,
“Aye, well maybe a fifteen minute round trip to Belfast is stretching it a bit, but we’ve got to appeal to the tourists from Americay. That’s why we’ve mentioned the canal, see? And I’m sure I heard that Tiger Woods once played golf here. Or maybe it was Darren Clarke. Or somebody”. He went on, “There’s plenty songs that have put places on the map before. Where would London be without ‘The Streets of London’, Glasgow without ‘I belong to Glasgow’ or New York without ‘Viva Las Vegas’? Even ‘Mountains of Pomeroy’ made Pomeroy world-famous”.
Hopes are high for interviews in the London Times, Le Monde and the Coalisland Post. If the single is successful, the duo intend to record another re-written Dolly Parton classic entitled ‘Nine To Five-miletown’.
Brackaville Man Sues Opticians After Walking Through Glass Window
An angry Gillis
A 44 year old Brackaville boiler servicer has commenced legal proceedings against a Dungannon opticians after he walked straight into a glass window in the shop where he had just purchased his glasses. Harry Gillis, who has been wearing glasses since he was 7, claims he wasn’t told he had to wait for the lenses to be made, walking off with just the frame on his nose.
“At no time did they say I needed to wait for the lenses bit. I needed new glasses so they told me to pick what I liked from the shelf. After paying for them, the woman walked into the lab so I thought it was deal done and got up with my new specs on. The next thing I know I’m walking straight through a glass partition onto the street, completely shattering the whole window-wall. Everyone laughing made it worse.”
Boiler expert Gillis, who knew he needed new glasses las week after he serviced a neighbour’s dog kennel by mistake, reckons it was a townie v culchie practical joke.
“Them Dungannon townies are always making fun of us country ones calling us munchies and stuff. I think I was set up for their amusement as well as to bump up some business. I’m told the YouTube footage from their CCTV has 1.2 million views already. People forget I could have been hurt. Luckily I walk by kicking out my boots in front of me so they took the bulk of the damage. “
Legal expert Fergus Brogan from Stewartstown gives Gillis a chance of success:
“I have a good record. Last year I successfully sued Hollywood for $300 after a Coagh man claimed he was still having nightmares after watching Jaws 2.”
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
Edendork Pipe Band To Open 2014 World Cup
Edendork man celebrates news
Tyrone is to be firmly put on the world map after Edendork Pipe Band received confirmation that they’ll parade Brazil and Croatia around the field in Sao Paulo at the opening game in the 2014 World Cup.
Pipe Major Jemmy O’Neill wasn’t overly surprised at the news:
“When we applied we had a fair idea we’d get the nod. I know there were 69’000 bands who applied from all over the world but I think when they saw a video of us parading the Ladies Football teams of Carrickmore and Coalisland around the Brackaville field last month they knew they were on to a good thing.”
O’Neill is adamant that locals will dig deep to raise the £150’000 needed to fly the entire band, instruments, WAGS and husbands over next June:
“I’m sure we’ll raise the money no bother. For the next 6 months we’ll have a man standing outside the entrance to Tyrone Brick with an empty Quality Street so drivers can slow down and toss in coppers and loose change. We’ll also be selling ballots around houses around Christmas. Tickets cost £100 and you can win a lifetime’s supply of bricks from what was left in the old factory.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone band has performed at a major sporting event. In 1984, Cloughfin played The Star Spangled Banner for Carl Lewis at his medal ceremony for the 100m during the Los Angeles Olympics. O’Neill reckons they’ll learn from Cloughfin’s experience:
“I was a member of Cloughfin and we never forgot they way we were treated. Not one sandwich was laid on after our performance. Not one. They thought the £80’000 fee would sweeten us but all we wanted were corned beef sandwiches. Eff Los Angeles we said. This time we’re taking no chances and bringing half a million sandwiches with us.”
O’Neill now becomes the first man to play at the World Cup, Olympics and the Tyrone Ladies Final.
Remarkable Series Of Protests In Coalisland Between Psychic and Church
Coalisland hit the international news circuit this week when the cast and crew of Fr Ted found themselves caught up in a series of protests and counter protests in the town. The shenanigans revolves around the appearance of a well known psychic at the local theatre, Madame Rizzle, who has almost sold out a whistle-stop 4-day tour of the area.
Local worrier, Seamus McBonzo from Brackaville, explained the concern from one section of the community:
“It’s a load of balls, like. These people make stuff up and rip off the vulnerable who want to time travel after watching Dr Who or something. Sure I contacted the Madame herself and asked her to tell me who’d win the play-off between Newtownstewart and Derrytresk this weekend. She said Derrytresk would win by five goals to three. Con artist. I’m happy to announce that Fr Dougal Maguire from Fr Ted as well as some other real priests will be protesting on the night. Down with this sort of thing.”
Fans of the psychic world have also planned a counter protest at the same time outside the local church. Self-proclaimed medium Henry McCann from Annagher says he’ll be there with his placards too:
“Preying on the vulnerable? Explain to me the difference between our Madame and Fr Nolan telling the poor of the town to throw their last pennies into a basket, and then him buying a baste of a house, three Lithuanian maids, a Merc and a couple of holidays to Tenerife. Some con artists in that organisation. Sure I went to confessions last year and made the whole stuff up. He hadn’t a clue. Down with this sort of thing.”
McCann claims that he has secured the services of Fr Jack from the Channel 4 show to protest using the authentic banners from Fr Ted.
The Vatican confirmed they will be monitoring the situation closely using PSNI CCTV and will use reinforcements from Maynooth if there’s a ‘slappin session’ between the protests. Madame Rizzle predicts a peaceful evening.
20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.
Derrytresk Digger Drivers
Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.
The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:
“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”
Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:
“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.
The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.
Tomorrow’s schedule:
8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale
Brackaville Ghost May Relocate To Stewartstown
A sad Brackaville Lily
The once-famous Brackaville ghost, who drew millions of people to the area in 2009 after making a few appearances, has announced that unless people start showing her a bit of respect she will pack up and head to Stewartstown who would be crying out for a bit of supernatural shenanigans. ‘Lily’, who says she’s about 200 years young or thereabouts, claims bad manners and general begrudgery has made her life a living hell:
“Ignorant shower of ungrateful living people around here. Yes, they were all over me when the crowds were flocking to the Mullaghmoyle Road after I made a couple of midnight danders outside the house. They couldn’t get enough of me. It was Lily this and Lily that. Newspaper people from England and all. Then I started to hear the grumblings from jealous women up the road who simply didn’t like the thought of their husbands and boyfriends talking about me all the time. Then the men turned on me too in order to placate the women. I’m off. People just drive through me now.”
Lily claims she was also being used as a scapegoat for every misdemeanour in the area from tax evasion to smuggling diesel:
“Yes, that’s correct. Men were being done for non-payment of TV licences, insurance or diesel and in court they’d plead innocence by saying ‘it was the ghost that done it’, claiming I was stealing documents and letters or leaving illegal fuel lying about. The powers-that-be would buy into it for fear of being haunted if they didn’t believe in me. As if I wanted to be at that craic at my age. All I want is a pint in Campbells and a round of golf up the road. I’m 200 for God’s sake.”
Lily claims she may move to Stewartstown before the year is out:
“That is maybe the fresh challenge I need. Sure foreigners don’t even go there. I’d shake that town up.”
60% of Tyrone Children Suffering From Recurring ‘Brollymares’
Artist’s impression of Brollymare
It has emerged today that 3 in every 5 children in Tyrone today have nightmares about Joe Brolly, ranging from demonic chases across ramparts to receiving severe criticism of their drawings at school. ‘Brollymares’ have been on the rise this week after last Saturday’s torrent of abuse on everything red handed by the bespectacled U12 manager. Gortin GFC have set up a hotline for anyone suffering from Brollymares whilst local pharmacies in Beragh have reported an increased demand for strong sleeping medicine.
A 12-year-old fisherman from Ardboe told us:
“Jaysus boys it’s tara. Ghost oh like, I dreamt last night that he was my headmaster and he was dishing out all sorts of lines and slaps for wee things like blinking too often or sneezing. He kept saying pupils in Derry were smarter. It was like Simon Cowell only multiply that by probably a million. I dread sleeping now in case I have another Brollymare.”
Eskra woman Jenny McGarrell explained the catastrophic effects of the recent epidemic:
“You’d think every house in the area had the bubonic plague or something. I stood outside last night around 3am and the screams could be heard from every house at 5 mins intervals. Children are just traumatised with the whole shenanigans”.
Doctors have issued instructions for worried parents to read traditional horror stories like Dracula at night to their children to take their minds off the dastardly Dungiven demon.
Meanwhile there were angry scenes in Brackaville last night after a lifetime ban was placed on Brolly from ever setting foot in the parish by the village council. Local businessman Ray Campbell has offered £10’000 for the first person to catch Joe on Brackaville territory. An Icelandic exchange student who looked a bit like Brolly was released this morning having been held and tortured for three hours. His inability to speak or understand English finally stood in his favour.
World’s Wisest Man Found In Brackaville
O’Hanlon, this morning
Last night it emerged that the world’s wisest man is currently living in Brackaville and has lived there all his life. This startling claim was backed up by his wife who says he probably knows everything about everything. Bus shelter painter Leo O’Hanlon (66) maintains he can solve every problem on the planet and beyond, from global warming to not losing odd socks. Leo makes most of his proclamations from a bar stool in any of Coalisland’s famed watering holes.
“Aye he’s some pup,” claimed borderline alcoholic Jemmy Kettle. “Just last night he solved world hunger. Leo says if you plant more oranges, peas, spuds and stuff like that inside greenhouses in Africa then the searing Sahara heat will not affect them. The man’s a genius. On Friday he told us how to beat Kildare. It was simple really but brilliant thinking. He said if you take your points the goals will come. Lo and behold, that’s what happened. This stuff must be filtering back to Mickey”.
O’Hanlon also claims to have solved the recession. He suggests that the bankers do about 140 or 15o charity walks each and the money raised pays off the national debt. His sister, Jackie, added:
“This man’s vast intellect knows no bounds. I remember when he was about 20 or 22 and he was able to answer about maybe a dozen puzzles on Catchphrase on the TV, sometimes even before the contestants did. We used to just stare at him in awe. You could nearly see his brain moving. When he was in P6 at the Primate Dixon the teacher said he was “hateful but potentially bright” in the school report. We knew we had a star on our hands, right here in Brackaville too.”
O’Hanlon was too inebriated last night to comment but even in that state he was able to offer brilliant advice to the girl in Landi’s about how to sprinkle the chips with just the right amount of salt using an unusual wrist action, before being barred for lewd remarks.
Brackaville’s Pagans Rejoice On The Summer Solstice. “Just Like Christmas”
Brackaville, five minutes ago
Brackaville, the most pagan village in the northern hemisphere, is today celebrating the longest day in the year by having their biggest party yet according to the postman, Leo McClure. Bonfires lit the landscape coming out of Coalisland up the Brackaville Road from as early as 6am with reports of men and women ‘buck leapin about drinking clear stuff from mineral bottles’.
“Frig me. I’ve been delivering letters up the Brackaville Road for years and thought I’d seen it all. But this morning, it was like a big mad frenzied orgy thing even though there was none of that stuff going on. Just men and wemen leaping about a bonfire buck naked shouting just ‘yahoooo’ and stuff like that. Some of them were teachers, doctors, chapel cleaners and all. They love their midsummer up there, them pagans.”
The name Brackaville itself derives from the old Latin ‘Brak a Vil’ which means Heathens on the Hill. Paganism in the area has been rife since the late 1700s with reports of mad dancing and yahooing in old newspapers at the time. Chief Summer Solstice organiser, Harry Gillis, told us:
“Ah you should see the wee children’s faces this morning when they woke up to hear that it was midsummer. It’s even better than Christmas which we don’t believe in but do it anyway for the craic. How often do you get to see Mrs Campbell out in her bra dancing about and singing songs about goats and flowers? It’s a special day. Them believers down in Coalisland are fierce jealous. Them with their oul sad heads trapsing to the chapel to be told about damnation and looking up the road and seeing the sights up here. It must be tough for them.”
The one-day festival ends at midnight after the sacred ritual of capturing someone from Coalisland and Newmills, placing them in a pot of water and pretending to sacrifice them before letting them go just as the water reaches lukewarm.
Lightening Strikes Twice As Coalisland Presenter Sacked Again Fronting Kids TV Live
Savage, after the sacking
Following on from his failed one-day stint as a weatherman, Henry Savage lasted no longer this time after landing a prestigious role as a Children’s TV presenter on Kids TV Live fronting a kids’ arts and crafts show between 1pm and 1:30pm. Savage received his P45 before leaving the studio at 2pm after an unprecedented volume of phone-calls were made to the show complaining about the language and actions carried out by the Brackaville Road media man. Kids TV Live Director General Paul Norton explained:
“I don’t think Savage is cut out for Kids TV Live or maybe any other camera work for that matter. The show got off to a good start when Henry used his lilting Irish brogue to instruct the child to paint a picture of an elephant. Perhaps unaware of how sensitive children are these days, he told the first child (who was Lithuanian) that his effort was “pure shit” and that a “dead man would do better”. Lucky young Silvinas couldn’t understand him but the 2.3m viewers did. He then went over to the youngest girl, Emily (age 4), looked at her elephant, burst out laughing and told her “for fcuk sake, I said an elephant, not a deformed dog with a long nose. Away back to yer seat a that a ye. Crap, pure dung,” whilst crumpling the paper into a ball and firing it against the camera. That’s just not on.”
Things went from bad to worse when he asked the children to make stick men out of lollypop sticks.
“The calls really came flooding in when Henry released a torrent of bad language onto the children for getting glue “all over the buckin joint” before accidentally covering himself in the glue with sticky paper, buttons and tinsel clinging to his face and arms. You just can’t shout ‘Holy Mother of Christ, luk at what tiz have fcukin done to me now ye wee bolloxes’. This is live tv. You cannot do that.”
Henry has admitted he has now given up on a career in the media and will look for his old job back in Landi’s.
Brackaville Pensioner Still Incurably In Love With Joe Brolly
The dreamboat
Brackaville pensioner, Hillary Kelly, tonight confirmed she can find no cure for her fascination and deepening obsession with the Dungiven GAA analyst, Joe Brolly. The 81-year old, a former Miss Wrangler Jeans 1955 at Corr Hall in Clonoe, admitted she sends RTE five letters a day addressed to the former Derry county player filled with poems and items from her underwear drawer. Kelly, who never married and still holds out that her big day might yet be around the corner, maintains they’re keeping the letters from Brolly as ‘he’d find me hard to resist’ if he read her poems:
“I sort of fell in love with the little imp around 1993 when he pranced around the fields of Ireland like a tiny ballet dancer with boots on. I remember swooning in the crowd when he blew kisses, delusionally believing they were aimed at me. Although I was 61 then, I could still put one of my legs behind my head – a party piece I’d do up at Campbell’s pub on Friday nights.”
Kelly went on to explain her infatuation with the bespectacled barrister:
“I have plastered three bedrooms now with images of my love, from magazines, newspapers and secret photos I’ve taken of him out shopping and stuff. How could anyone not adore the way he crunches his face up when thinking about a question, like a wee inquisitive otter or mink? OK, he may have gone grey a bit and lost the tussled black mop that hung majestically from his scalp as a player, like one of those Victorian dreamboats on any BBC adaption of a Bronte book. He should be called Joseph Lewesbottom or something. Sigh.”
This is not the first time Hillary has fallen for a TV star. In 1988 she was warned by Gardai about stalking Derek Davis and Gay Byrne at the same time. Kelly claims this is different:
“I can’t see me giving up on Brolly. How he makes me laugh. I’d just love to sit on his knee with a cup of tea. In fact, that was the first line of the best poem I sent him last night, along with the briefs I wore all last week.”
Locals claim she’s a harmless craytur but would tackle any fellow if he looked at her sideways. Meanwhile, RTE have refused to comment on the story although an insider tells us the panel are well aware of the lady, with O’Rourke and Spillane a bit peeved off they haven’t received anything.
More Dogs Than People In Coalisland For First Time. May Stand For Election.
Dog in Landis earlier
For the first time in the history of the town, or from records started in 1944, Coalisland has more dogs than people, sparking fears of a canine takeover at any moment. The current population in the town is 4701, with the dog count approaching 5000 excluding dogs that spend more of their time touring up around Brackaville which itself has a serious dog problem on the horizon. Locals in “The ‘Island” have long been complaining at the sheer volume of stray collies and labradors running amok through the pubs and barbers as well as sitting up in seats in the cafes and take-away sit-ins eating sausages or chips. Local councillor Marnie Lyons is not at all shocked at today’s figures:
“Not surprised in the slightest. It seems that as soon as you hit 65 you get a dog. Those bitches have pups and the oul people just let the offspring run around the roads fending for themselves. Two years ago I was unable to drive down the Lineside as a gang of golden retrievers had blocked the road passing bones and ridin each other. It was a fearsome sight. I reversed before they surrounded the car. I fear for the future. The book Animal Farm we read at St Joes warned that this might happen. The police are doing nothing about it too. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them dogs were working for the PSNI, spying and stuff.”
Brackaville residents are monitoring the situation closely as well as finding ways to cope with their own dog-related problems. Golfer Malachy Herron told us:
“Our hearts go out to the human race in The Island who are now in the minority. We in Brackaville still hold the upper hand by chasing them out to Newmills or Donaghmore but we have our own worries. Whereas the Coalisland dogs appear to be mostly toilet trained, our mutts are soiling all over the place. I was at Mass on Sunday and noticed how everyone was wearing wellingtons in order to wade through the droppings. Some wemen had nose pegs. We’re swimming in the stuff here. It’s man v dog from now on I say.”
The traditional Sinn Fein constituency are preparing themselves for a battle to retain control of the town after it emerged that 1003 people voted for a mysterious Rufus Hound in the last election.
Brackaville Plumber On Strike Until Wife Stops Spending All The Money In Newell Stores
A likely scenario in Brackaville today
A Brackaville plumber, John McCann, has downed his tools and embarked on a 7-day strike until his wife stops spending their money on ‘stupid things’ in the new Newell Stores in Coalisland. The self-employed 59-year old also hit out at customers who say they’ll pay him the next day they see him and then duck for cover for up to a year afterwards. McCann denies he’s having a meltdown and prefers to say he’s taking a stand on a range of matters:
“That bloody woman. I go out and do a job, get a lock of pounds, throw it on the table, jump in the shower and come down only to find she has disappeared. On returning she’d have bought something stupid like screw bulbs or AAA batteries that were on offer in the Newell Stores even though we’re not short of them. I’m sick of it. That new shop will ruin us. All they have to do is slap a £1 sticker on something and it’ll end up on our table. Like, five Turkish Delight yesterday. Who the hell eats that? I’m officially on strike now. We’ll see how she likes that.”
McCann also hit out at the miserly nature of the majority of his customers in the greater Coalisland area:
“That’s another thing. You’d get an emergency call to fix a burst pipe and I’m there in minutes. On finishing the job you’ll see the customer patting the front of his trousers and then the back pockets and you know what’s coming. He’ll say he has nothing on him at the minute but that someone will throw a few pounds down to the house later on. For the next twelve months i’ll see them in the distance walking around the town. As soon as they set eyes on me they’ll throw themselves into the first pub or shop they see. I did nine jobs this week and got paid for one, and even that was a fiver a Coalisland pensioner threw me for installing a new shower. A fiver! I don’t care if every house in Brackaville and the ‘Island is flooded next week as I’m not answering the phone.”
Worried locals are considering a benefit concert for McCann to get him back to work but have warned professional musicians that they’ll be getting paid with ‘those wee sticks for lighting the fire’ and that any money made from the concert will not necessarily go directly to McCann.
Brackaville Massage Parlour Closes After One Day. Nobody Knew How To Do It.
Not as easy as first thought
By Gombeen
The new Brackaville massage parlour has permanently closed after one day’s business following the hospitalisation of all five customers yesterday. The range of injuries included broken jaw, fractured cheekbone, grade two burns and psychological damage. The owner, Mattie Campbell, admits the ambitious project probably needed a bit more thought put into it but praised the efforts of the local masseurs who gave up their time to try massaging a range of body parts on strangers:
“It didn’t really cross my mind that you’d need training for this type of thing. Surely, I thought, it was just a case of rubbing the person where they wanted with a grading system of 1-5, with 5 being roughly. Some of the lads doing the massage would be a bit heavy-handed normally around here and when Mrs Morgan said she wanted a grade 5 face massage, Tony the Rebel gave her a few digs to soften the face up a bit. Being a pensioner, Morgan’s bones were a bit brittle and the doctor says she’ll be off the drinking through straw in five weeks or so.”
Campbell knew he needed to close the venture after just six hours trading when the screams coming from Room 2, the hot stones treatment, set off the alarm system.
“Wee Jane Lyons was looking after the hot stones. She just grabbed a few boulders from the quarry, stuck them in the microwave for 20 minutes and using a pair of tongs loaded them on top of Fr Hughes’ back. I’ve never heard a priest curse before. He was ‘damn it to hell this’ and ‘holy mother of Jaysus that’. Dr King says the scars might be permanent so we’ll pray for him, definitely.”
The Brackaville Massage Parlour will have one more fight on their hands as Tessie O’Neill (66) from Clonoe is suing them for psychological damage after asking for a Swedish Oil Massage. She lay in the dark with a towel around her, opened her eyes only to be met with Kevin Earley dressed as one of the boys from Abba squirting a canister of Esso Lawnmower Oil at her, singing Waterloo.
Tyrone Tribulations 