Blog Archives
Tyrone Standing By Decision To Appoint Umpire With Turned-In Eyes
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.
The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.
Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.
First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:
“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”
Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.
Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.
NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.
McCrea about to bombard Greencastle
The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.
The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.
The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:
“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”
The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.
McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.
McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.
Street Parties Commence In Coalisland For Elton John’s Wedding
Elton in his beloved Fianna outfit
The mood in Coalisland has been described as ‘joyous’ and ‘celebratory’ after news filtered through of Elton John’s marriage to his long-term partner David Furnish.
Locals also confirmed that a delegation from the town flew over to Berkshire, England to celebrate Elton’s big day by singing songs outside his mansion and to give him a gift from the people in the town – £3o worth of vouchers to be spent in Frank McGirr’s clothing and accessories store before May 2015.
The Elton John/Coalisland affiliation has been an open secret for years now after Elton revealed his song ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ was about the time he watched Coalisland Fianna GFC lose to Aghyaran in the 1981 Intermediate Final. Local historian and big Elton fan Ronnie McSherry added:
“Yes, Elton was gutted that day Aghyaran beat us. He was a big fan of the Blues and so combined his feeling of despondency with his love for the Fianna and came up with ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ which we play before the start of every home game as well at the end of dances at the weekends. We love the man here. We wish Elton and David all the best.”
McSherry’s views were not widely held as a large proportion of the town’s prolific gay community admitted to feeling insanely jealous and singing ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ over and over. Tensions were said to be high this afternoon as members of the town’s hetrosexual community taunted them with renditions of ‘I Wanna Kiss The Bride’ outside the off-licence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Nb-HmYIWXs
Local priest Fr Lyons has appealed for calm between the two factions but admitted that Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.
Meanwhile, the road between Coalisland and Stewartstown has now reopened after the sighting of a ghost was confirmed as an on-the-run returning home for Christmas week.
Santa Booed At Coalisland Parochial Hall
Pat Quinn/Santa
The organisers of ‘Santa Comes To The Island’ have admitted they should have given the event a bit more thought after Santa was forced to leave under cover around the back of the hall.
Pat Quinn, a joiner who was asked to play Santa at short notice, turned up in a red Brackaville GFC coat buttoned to the top and sporting his trademark thick black handlebar moustache. To add to the visual disappointment, organisers forgot to put together presents for the children and had to resort to lifting things around the hall to present as gifts including used bulbs, screwdrivers, Allen keys, foldable seats and old newspapers.
Mother of 6, Patricia Lyons, maintains it might take a long time for her children to get over this:
“I paid £8 per child and all they got was a small used bowling mat, masking tape, a spanner, yesterday’s Irish News, a bottle of Lucozade already open and a stick – all presented by Pat Quinn. Even the children were saying ‘Well Pat’ when sat on his knee, and him with the black moustache from ear to ear and the Brackaville coat on him. A complete farce. He didn’t even say ‘ho ho ho’ .”
Organisers managed to get ‘Santa’ away from the baying crowd by turning off the lights for three minutes, throwing the hall into a mass of screams and crying children. Quinn was bundled into a blue Ford Ka and was last seen speeding up the Brackaville Road with his £500 appearance fee on the passenger seat.
Despite initially telling parents that their children were just spoilt, organisers announced they will refund any unhappy customers with free mineral tomorrow if they call between the hours of 7am and 8am.
Seven Hospitalised In Coalisland Black Friday Chip Shop Massacre
Cowboy supper
Tensions are said to be simmering in Coalisland today after a ‘Black Friday’ promotional offer of a Cowboy Supper with a free can of Lilt for £5.50 in Linda’s Chippy saw fist-fights and head butting, with seven punters still receiving treatment this morning for minor fractures.
The town’s Lord Mayor, Paud McGlone, has called for calm over the weekend with Linda’s promising other amazing Black Weekend deals including a pastie bap for £3.
“Whilst I condemn the fighting, Linda’s maybe need to take a step back and understand that these people are mad for cowboy suppers as well as Lilt, and a combination of both was a death trap. A bit of common sense wouldn’t have gone amiss.”
14 locals were arrested but released within hours, with the PSNI simply asking for a common-sense approach to Black Friday deals in future.
“We will monitor the pastie bap deal closely. Any repeat of yesterday’s scenes and we’ll employ the water cannon with force.”
One of those arrested, Mrs Mary Quinn (71), admitted a feeling of hysteria when told of the deal whilst getting her hair done for Graveyard Sunday this weekend:
“I just lost it. The thought of sausages and chips swimming in a carton of beans and it being washed down with Lilt drove me mad. I just started swinging all around me in the chippy and flattened Fr Fee. He was just in for a chicken burger so I feel very bad about that.”
Linda’s revealed the deal is off the menu this weekend with cowboy suppers back to £4.99 and Lilt at a pound.
Coalisland GP Told To Use Medical Diagnosis And Not Local Colloquialisms
Dr McSherry
A new Coalisland doctor has been asked to refer to his medical handbook in future when identifying ailments after a complaint from three patients who claim to have not slept in a week since their recent monthly visit.
Dr McSherry, who left his job mailing letters for the Coalisland Fianna GFC to pursue his dream in the medical field, recently told 88-year old Packie McGarrell that he was ‘bollocksed now’ after listening to his heartbeat through a stethoscope. This followed an earlier visit from his wife Sadie who was complaining of a sore bottom. She told us:
“He didn’t even check me out. He just took my temperature with the back of his hand and said ‘there’s fcuk all wrong with you’ and sent me away with a packet of Lockets and a box of scented tissues. I didn’t feel reassured at all.”
Packie, who simply attended to get his traditional free cup of tea and three Rich Tea biscuits, was shocked at his diagnosis:
“He just listened to my heart with a rickety oul stethoscope. I knew myself I had deadly wind but he thought the squeaks were coming from my heart and said ‘you’re bollocksed now, Packie’. He then told me to get my house in order and settle up any old debts. I’ve hardly slept since, what with passing wind and all.”
A third complaint came from 32-year old expectant mother Helena Campbell whose check-up left her tired and emotional. Campbell, who is 7 months on, is considering changing her GP to prevent any future stress:
“He just took a look at me when I sat down and told me that the way the child was positioned meant it’s more than likely to be a ‘hateful wee brat’ and ‘likely to be in the barracks by the time he’s 14, like his da’. How dare he!”
Dr McSherry refused to officially comment on the complaints but promised to use bigger words from now on and will lose his ‘Dr McSherry – He Tells It Like It Is‘ logo outside the surgery.
Panic Subsides As Man Lost In The Bush Is Found In Filling Station Near Coalisland
The Bush
Despite fears for his safety, an Edendork man who had been lost in The Bush since Monday (yesterday) was found today merrily eating a sausage roll inside a filling station on the outskirts of Coalisland.
The good news mirrors another story emanating from Australia last week when a woman also emerged from the bush after being lost for over two weeks, although it is said that Tyrone’s Bush is much more hazardous than the Australian one.
Patsy Farrell, a computer user from Edendork, got lost in The Bush after heading out to get some veda bread and a packet of dishwasher tablets:
“Eff me, I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I took a wrong turn at the Mullaghteige Road near Mulmuf’s exhaust silencer shop and ended up parked on the side of the road as there’s no signal there and the GPS woman was telling me I was in Dungannon, which I wasn’t. I just kept still til someone found me and survived on Polo Mints and water. It was touch and go.”
Farrell went on to explain what he experienced during the ordeal:
“The noises at night time scared me. You’d hear whistles and yahooing and men shouting ‘come here ye blade ye’ in fields and women laughing and giggling and saying ‘will ye quit, he’ll be home soon’ and other stuff like that. It was like something out of a Spielberg movie. I was just glad to see light and thanked God that he’d given me another day. The milkman stopped and gave me directions back to Edendork which I headed to after a sausage roll in Coalisland.”
Farrell promises to write about his experiences in The Bush and BBC are looking to serialise it with Colin Farrell (no relation) reportedly eager to take up the lead role.
Confusion In Ardboe Over Free WiFi Rally. Riot Narrowly Averted.
There was mass confusion over a hastily organised protest over the issue of the poor WiFi signal on the Loughshore this evening.
The general Ardboe district was recently slated in an English newspaper as the worst place in Europe for a WiFi connection, blaming the interference from electric eels which swim perilously close to Lough Neagh’s western shore.
‘Free Wifi’ posters emerged on lamp posts all week, encouraging locals to attend a mass rally outside McGuigan’s pub. Over 5000 made their way to the meeting point, many with banners which seem to point to a bit of confusion surrounding the burning issue. Johnny Farrell, who travelled hundreds of miles from Coalisland, told us:
“Listen, I admit I haven’t read up on this. I don’t know who this WiFi boy is or why he’s being held captive but I’m all on for freedom of speech. I don’t care what he has supposedly done so I say ‘FREE WIFI’ yiz shower of tyrannical bastards. Set WiFi free….”
…before starting a ‘We Shall Overcome‘ singsong and firing a brick at a police car which was monitoring proceedings.
Tensions rose after a BT Telecoms representative turned up and tried to explain the reasons for the lack of free WiFi in the area. Frank Busby was drowned out with chants of ‘WiFi – inside for something he didn’t do‘ and ‘Internment is cat‘ before leaving the podium to choruses of ‘cheerio‘ and ‘who are ya‘.
Organiser Jackie Cullen admitted:
“It’s my fault. I didn’t explain the rally well enough to the people. Let me say it loud and clear now to the people of Ardboe – WiFi is a wireless internet service, not a local lad interned for his political beliefs.’
Cullen was subsequently chased from his own rally with cries of ‘traitor‘ and ‘you’re one of them‘ from the increasing number of protesters.
Seven bonfires were currently alight as over 9000 prepared for a midnight vigil singing ‘Something Inside So Strong’.
Man Catches Bad Cold After Waiting 9 Hours Outside Coalisland’s Virtual Shop
Looks deadly real
Coalisland’s first virtual shop has temporarily closed after the council belatedly decided they need to inform locals how it works.
The move comes after pensioner Gerry McIntyre (71) caught a very bad cold whilst knocking on the door and shouting through the painted window for 9 hours. The shop, which depicts a colourful and lively scene using hoardings and virtual graphics painted over a brick wall, was unveiled recently as an attempt to tidy the town up a bit.
However, residents have hit out after they received no leaflets to explain what the shop was or how it worked. McIntyre’s wife Kitty informed us:
“When Gerry said he was popping down to McCrum’s for a loaf of bread and a light bulb I just thought he was doting again. That was at 9am and it wasn’t until 6pm that I thought I may go looking for him. When I got there he was roaring his head off, shouting things like ‘ignorant shower of hoors’ and stuff like that. He was shivering badly too and his hand looked busted from banging on the door which was just a brick wall.”
Other locals have complained that the depiction was too realistic. The local doctor’s surgery confirmed he received 14 calls for people with busted noses from walking into the virtual door. Mr McKendry added:
“It’s just too good. Their painting has people chatting away in a friendly manner and smiling at each other. Maybe they should tone it down a bit with someone drunk firing a chair at the owner because his sausage roll was cold. You know, run of the mill stuff you’d see here.”
The council announced they have shelved plans to create a virtual off-licence in case of fatalities.
Customers Told To ‘Quit Moaning’ After Sandwich Bar Runs Out Of Bread
Man struggles with invisible sandwich
A Dungannon sandwich bar has threatened to close up and move somewhere else, blaming locals for being ‘deadly whingers’ after they received 413 complaints in a week for not having any bread.
Customers were seen leaving Campbell’s Sandwich Bar shaking their heads and holding their tuna fillings or egg and onion mix in a small clear plastic bag. Campbell’s told customers it would be another week before they’d get the time to buy bread from the shops and that this was the way shops served sandwiches in places like Spain and France anyway.
Local man Kieran Hughes was having none of it:
“I’ve been to Spain loads of times and I know for a fact they have bread in their sandwich. The man is lying. Whoever heard of a breadless sandwich? I order a Club Sandwich and walked out holding chicken, bacon, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise in my hands. It was dripping all over the place and ruined my clothes. I’ll not be back!”
Shop owner James Soupy Campbell reckoned people needed to lighten up a bit and to stop being picky about everything:
“People need to lighten up a bit and stop being picky about everything.”
The news follows reports of a shop near Coalisland called JJ’s Chips which has never served a chip since it opened two months ago. Our reporter ordered a fish supper as part of an undercover operation for Tyrone Tribulations and received a battered fish with one slice of unbuttered white bread and a sachet of salt from KFC.
On further inspection it turned out the fish had no batter on it but had clearly been beaten around the shop with a hammer or something. Our reporter gave it 7/10.
Stephen Nolan has been asked to do a programme on declining food standards in Tyrone.
Coalisland Bank To Close Allegedly Because Of Locals Being ‘Too Tight’ To Deposit
Typical Coalisland bedroom
First Trust Bank, who are planning to leave Coalisland before Christmas, may be upping sticks because of the local community being ‘too miserable to part with their cash, even with interest, according to the man who mops the floor in the building.
The bank, who have operated in the town since 1897, have yet to comment on their decision despite criticisms from all political parties and the video shop owner. Although workers in the bank will be allocated other jobs within the First Trust firm across Ulster such as chimney sweeping and burglar watching, the man who mops the floor maintains they are angry at their family and friends who continued to keep their work pay and dole money under their mattresses.
The mopper, known locally as Black John, added:
“I’ve heard them manys a time giving off about families in the town who have never set foot in the bank, choosing instead to hide money under floorboards and inside cavity walls. It seems people here are too miserable to see other people handle their money. Last week we had six people come in, and four of them just popped in to see how much interest their First Communion money had accumulated since the 1950s. It wasn’t a sustainable bank around here.”
Sinn Fein councillor Jack McCabe admitted he was a bit sad to see the bank go:
“Yes, I’m a bit nostalgic about the bank. Over the years I’ve probably deposited 75 million at different stages. They were very good to me when I put in 24 million in one week in December 2004 and asked no questions. They were the best northern bank for me, if you catch my drift *cough cough*.”
When the bank leaves, its 54 loyal customers will keep their money behind Landi’s chip shop counter.
The bank will be sold off and replaced with another off-licence.
Standard Of Tea At Wakes On The Wane. Sandwiches Poor Too.
Wakes when they were good craic
Several wake fanatics have finally spoken out concerning the issue of the deteriorating standard of tea at wakes across the county and predicted mourners will stop going if the trend continues.
In addition to the beverage scene, the quality of sandwiches have also come under negative scrutiny with one wake-goer calling them ‘a pile of shite’. Thirdly, 95% of wake-goers now say they are no craic to attend now.
88-year old chief mourner Kitty Campbell from Coalisland fumed this morning:
“I’ve had enough of the crap I’m being served at these wakes nowadays. Last week I attended six wakes, four of which I hadn’t a clue who the deceased was but at least I made the effort to nosey around the house. At one of them I had to wait over six minutes before being offered a cup. Six minutes. And when it came it was that oul weak stuff you get from sharing the one teabag between about half a dozen cups. I near walked out in disgust.”
Campbell was also critical of the sandwiches on display:
“I think I can say without contradiction that I’ve not had a decent sandwich at a wake since 2008. I was at two wakes yesterday and was given what they called a ‘beef sandwich’ at one. There was no beef in it for I opened it up and took out my glasses. I was that mad I threw it across the room and it landed on the coffin lid. That got the message across I’d say.”
Campbell concluded that it was ‘hardly worth dying now’ because of the embarrassment of her family’s catering abilities.
Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that wakes will re-introduce alcohol and fiddles to liven up the whole process a bit.
Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as
Coalisland this morning
the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.
Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.
All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.
The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.
Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.
More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.
“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”
With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.
The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
Tyrone Aim For 10 Gold Medals In Shooting At Commonwealth Games
Ardboe competitor at first practice
Around 60 middle-aged men from Carrickmore, Galbally, Kildress, Coalisland and Ardboe will make their debuts today in the Commonwealth Games in Scotland, with high expectations of bringing home a rash of medals despite no official training.
The athletes arrived over in a convoy of six white vans yesterday, claiming they purposely avoided the opening ceremony because of the amount of cameras and men in uniform about the arena.
Early practice ironed out a few problems, especially after the majority turned up camouflaged with ferns and brackens from home. Additionally, many of their guns appeared to be covered in turf, as if unearthed just recently.
Jackie ‘eagle-eye’ McDermott (61) from Kildress was disappointed that the categories were not what they expected them to be:
“Yes a few things have annoyed us but we’ll tear away anyway. They said we are not allowed to wear any facial coverings but some of these lads shoot far better with what we now call ‘head-warmers’ on them. But rules are rules I suppose. The dark sunglasses and moustaches will do ok. Sniping doesn’t seem to be a category at all too.”
Unfortunately three men were sent home after early practice this morning for shouting ‘yeeoooo’ and a three-worded saying in Irish every time they hit a target, despite repeated warnings. One of the threesome, Peter Bradley (54) from Ardboe, dejectedly explained:
“Ghost-oh we got thrown out. It was a natural reaction, like, from years ago. I suppose shouting abuse at the English shooters was bad manners. We’ll be back in four years though with a better idea of the format. We haven’t gone away ye know.”
Meanwhile, another shooter, Hugh Devine (49) from Carrickmore, has been sent home for testing positive for homemade brew as well as making animal noises when rival air rifle competitors were aiming.
Brazil Football Team Issued Bold Challenge By Brackaville Under-12s
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A youth football team from Outer Coalisland have challenged the Brazil football team to a game, ‘any time they want, day or night’.
The bold statement came from local boys’ team Brackaville Rockets, just hours after the host nation’s calamitous 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany at the semi-final of the World Cup earlier this week. The young team have gone so far as to promise to take it easy on Brazil, and that they would even be prepared to give them ‘a 2-nil start’.
“It’s true”, said team manager and father of one of the players, Danny Suddan. “We sent a fax to Pele asking him to bring the team over here to play our lads. We have a grand stadium in Brackaville with a quality pitch, or at least it will be just as soon as we’ve cleared off all the dung and the burnt-out Nissan Cherry. We’ll show him and them Brazilians a thing or two. Did you watch thon match of theirs against Germany? Our boys have nothing to fear. It’ll be a fair match. As long as they get enough toilet breaks throughout the game and a wee cuddle from their mums from time to time, they’ll have no problems. And our lads will be fine too”.
He went onto provide his own analysis of Brazil’s failure at the hands of Germany.
“If they’re ever going to win the football World Cup they need to stop with the bull fighting and flamencos and suchlike. They’re not focused enough. If they can’t even spell the ‘Brazil’ what hope have they got? They should never have been beat by seven goals. Germany are nothing special. Although I suppose they do have a bit of history destroying countries. If Brazil want to learn some proper lessons about a lacklustre midfield or squandering chances they should speak to our Northern Ireland team while they’re here”.
Suddan has also promised that if the Brazil team agrees to the match, that he would be willing to give Pele, ‘a few wile hints and tips about his bedroom problem’.
Anarchy In Tyrone As Post-Brooks Stress Hotline Set Up. Bonfires and Screaming On The Rise.
Carrickmore man, earlier
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
New Moygashel GAA Club ‘True Blues GFC’ Formed
True Blues GFC training
Against all the odds, Moygashel have successfully applied to become part of the GAA landscape after their club ‘True Blues GFC’ were finally affiliated as an operating GAA club as of July 12th 2014.
Moygashel, who have suffered from unwanted publicity recently, will play their first friendly against Carrickmore on the 11th night, followed by games against Coalisland Fianna, Ardboe O’Donovan Rossa and Galbally Pearses to get them acclimatised to the Tyrone county scene. The move comes after Stormont agreed a multi-million pound investment in new facilities in Moygashel including a floodlit pitch and changing rooms with individual showers.
Manager Wesley Frazer was hopeful of a positive start to life in the GAA arena:
“I know we’d have a reputation for being a bit on the Loyalist/Unionist side of the Ulster political divide but we want True Blues GFC to be the start of folk forgetting these silly tags people place on certain enclaves in the province. We have a few good ballers who are sick of the way soccer is almost now non-contact so we’re going to try our hand at the GAA and get wired into some fenians in a nice friendly way. The Carrickmore game will be explosive. I suppose I shouldn’t use that word.”
True Blues GFC will use the motto Fidelitate et honore, terra et mare which means ‘loyalty and honour on land and sea’ and their crest will have elements of the culture from the area including the Queen’s face, a bonfire and graffiti.
Frazer, who recently served time in Maghaberry for tobacco smuggling, predicts a great 11th night festival and has offered Carrickmore supporters a safe and warm welcome:
“This could be Northern Ireland turning a corner. We’ll provide crisps and mineral for the Carrickmore lads and if they want they can stay on and watch the bonfire, singing and the odd military show of strength.”
There has been a mixed reception in Carrickmore to the news of the upcoming fixture. Captain Cathal Gormley admitted:
“I’m crapping myself, and I’ve been to Ardboe.”
Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation
Cookstown, an hour ago
Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.
UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,
Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:
“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”
When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.
Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.
Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.
Ronnie O’Sullivan May Retire To Coalisland
Ronnie ‘The Rocket’ O Sullivan has been linked with a move to the bubbling metropolis of Coalisland, after residents reported seeing him enter Mc Glone and Mc Cabe property specialists and stopping to sign a few autographs for the kids.
It is believed Ronnie and his wife are interested in renting a property in the Mountcairn area of the town, while waiting on planning permission to convert the former RUC station into a luxury five million pound home complete with pool and pool table (in different rooms).
We understand that after a conversation with Dennis Taylor about the love that he still holds for his home town, ‘The Rocket’ was tempted to take a look for himself. Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that Ronnie had already visited Gervin’s snooker hall, where Mr Taylor plied his trade in his formative years, and is keen to get a funny picture of himself on the wall beside the Steve Davis one. His relocation was hugely influenced by the proximity of the former barracks to a thriving snooker hall, and the lure of free ‘park and walk’ facilities literally anywhere round the town- day or night.
Ronnie was also snapped by locals, wolfing down a Philly cheese steak at Landi’s restaurant which he clearly enjoyed and was even very grateful for the free dozen or so chips he got with it, informing staff that ‘you just don’t get that in England.’
Ronnie’s family are also keen on the move, with his young son Ronnie junior very excited about schooling at St Patrick’s Academy in Dungannon especially now that its mixed and there are plenty of girls to mingle with.
“Jeez, they’ll go mad for the wee hoor’s accent”
admitted St Patrick’s Academy’s new principal Patsy Sweeney who was voted in with help from a recent surge in far right Dungannon polling.
Maisy Dooey, next door but one from the former police station, was happy to have a few words with us:
“Ach, sure it’ll be great to see the oul barracks tuck down. I’m fed up looking at all the Republican stuff on the front of her…”
When quizzed about the prospect of new neighbours from England, she added
“aye, lucksee, sure it’s one set of Brits not long out, and a new set moves in. Let’s hope these ones aren’t as noisy. I’d say they will love how close they are to the lough, y’know with young childer an all that, apart from all the flies. Throw me over them weishing pegs will you, I’ve a load just finished spin cycle there”
The Rocket O’Sullivan’s good friend Ronnie Wood of Rolling Stones’ fame is also reputedly very familiar with Coalisland, having never missed an International Music Festival held there since its inception in 1994, reportedly enjoying the Polish bands’ dancing, and drinking down the line till the wee hours.
Ronnie was last seen outside the barber shop, staring in the window for some time as if looking in a mirror, until the proprietor came out and chased him.
Tyrone Tribulations 