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Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either
Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe
A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.
Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.
On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:
“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”
Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.
Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.
“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”
Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.
Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.
Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel
by Aughoughilley Schniffles
A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.
The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.
Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.
In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.
Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.
Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.
When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,
“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”
Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.
Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:
‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.
A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.
Archeologists Told To Stop Finding Things For A While
Recent find near Cappagh
Following the discovery of six coins from 1972 in a field near Gortin, archeologists in the county have been warned for the final time to tone it down a bit and stop finding things for a while at least.
Professor Joe Quinn, who spearheads the Tyrone Legacy Association which looks into catering for future generations and leaving plenty for them to do, demanded that people stop trying to find old ruins and memorabilia and to leave some of it for our grandchildren and their children:
“Every time I open the paper I hear of some find on a remote field and it drives me insane. People are selfishly thinking of themselves and leaving nothing for people to find in 200 years. I urge people to put things back and tell no one.”
The recent coin find follows last week’s discovery of the ruins of an underwater settlement in Lough Neagh, dating back at least 150 years. Moortown fisherman Patsy McQuaid now admits he should have turned a blind eye to the find, adding that it has only created problems since he went public:
“I should’ve said nothing. There are still people alive today who had parents that maybe lived in the underwater settlement and this has dredged up problems with the tax man claiming it was a tax haven for wealthy Mootown linen factory owners. No good can come from archeology these days.”
The Tyrone Tourism Board are considering fining anyone who discovers anything until 2020. Loughshore metal-detector fanatic Jim Walshe raged:
“Them boys aren’t telling me what to do. What they are now creating is an underground archeological society where people will meet in secret to exchange treasure. Fcuk the future generations.
Jim Walshe was arrested this morning and his metal detector confiscated.
Ardboe Man Regrets Buying Wife A Drone
Drinkers in an established bar on the shores of Lough Neagh have shunned long time friend and one-time centre of attention Geordie Forbes after his wife kept driving her expensive drone into the pub to spy on him using an in-built camera.
Quinn’s Watering Hole have also issued a barred notice to Forbes, claiming the drone was intimidating other punters after news emerged that a cackle of wives and girlfriends were gathering in Forbes’ house every night to watch live footage of who was in the pub when they shouldn’t have been.
The S800 professional Hex-Rotor Platform Big Aircraft (£2500) has a hovering time of 16 minutes, giving it enough time to leave Mrs Forbes’ porch and spend over 5 minutes inside the pub whilst a live feed of the images are shown on her laptop in her front room.
Former bowls champion and full-time drinker Mal Quinn admitted it was hard to enjoy his pints with the humming of the drone over his head and knowing that his wife is watching the whole thing in Forbes’ living room:
“It’s bad enough knowing that you’re now going to be killed when you get home for being late with the bread but that humming noise is making it an altogether irritating experience, especially when you’re trying to watch The One Show in the back room. Either Forbes finds another place to drink or the drone will be kicked up and down the pub, expensive or not.”
Neighbours also revealed that Mrs Forbes has acquired a silencer for the drone and has been using it to look in through windows of neighbouring houses to check on the colours of settees and what they’re watching etc.
“What man buys his wife a drone for Christmas?”
said Forbes’ brother Pat before threatening to buy a drone-exterminating aircraft from Ebay.
Sunday Times Food Critic Awards New East Tyrone Restaurant No Stars
Flynn’s Midge And Eel Soup
Flynn’s Diner, a new eatery situated on the side of a quiet country road on the shores of Lough Neagh, is reeling from an international food critic’s scathing review in last week’s Sunday Times.
Describing it as ‘like something from the depths of hell‘, the culinary expert proceeded to try every dish before admitting defeat and heading off for a fish supper in Landi’s in Coalisland.
When interviewed today, the journalist Quentin Harrod was sticking to his guns despite heavy criticism on social media from loughshore residents and friends of proprietor Conor Flynn:
“I still have cold sweats thinking about the ordeal. The starter – for which the was no other option – was ‘Midge & Eel Soup’. Apparently it’s some kind of fusion of local produce. The taste was like nothing I had experienced before.”
Flynn, originally from West Belfast, has refused to take his Midge and Eel Soup off the menu and suggests Mr Harrod may have not put enough salt on it:
“I sell about 25 bowls of Midge and Eel a day so I do and never once have a heard a complaint so I haven’t. I think Mr Harrod maybe didn’t give the dish the respect it needs in terms of seasoning so he didn’t.”
Harrod went on to slate the main dish which was black pudding served on a bed of spaghetti hoops, claiming it was ‘food for heathens and neanderthals‘. His article in the Sunday Times, which is read by 91 million people, finished with a scathing attack on the dessert – ice cream in a cup covered in crumbled Rich Tea. Flynn refused to back down:
“He’s getting on like a bit of a dick so he is.”
Flynn’s Diner is open 5pm-6pm, seven days a week.
Fears Of ‘Testicle-Eating Fish’ In Lough Neagh Rise After Weekend Carnage
Do not wear these type of shorts
Despite sound-bites from the government to quell fears of a new breed of testicle-eating trouts and eels stalking Lough Neagh, swimmers and bathers along the western coastline of the lough confirmed they are still a real threat, and may be getting hungrier.
Two male swimmers from Derrylaughan, who every Saturday morning religiously partake in a short swim out to Coney Island and back to shake off hangovers, reported three attacks from three different breeds of fish during their 30-minute paddle. Kevin Barry, a 28-year old fencer, told us:
“I think that’ll be the last time I go for a dip in the lough until the problem is sorted. There’s no enjoyment when you’re constantly worried you’ll return to shore with mutilated knackers. I’ve never seen eels behave like that before, and I know my eels.”
Sunbather Harry Quinn (58) from Moortown was astonished at the attack he experienced whilst laying on a towel on the beach at the Battery. Wearing a tight-fitting pair of Moortown St Malachy’s shorts from his playing days in the early 80s, Quinn had to retreat to the pub after an unprovoked assault on Saturday:
“Ghost oh, I was just nodding off on the towel and before I know it a couple of Dollaghan were yanking the shorts off me and them 10 feet out of water. I barely managed to bate them off with a rolled up Irish News but not before on of the trout took a nick from one of my yokes.”
Local scientist Paddy Hughes maintains the new culinary tastes are a result of “global warming or the solar rays or something like that” and has warned male swimmers and fishermen to wear body armour or metal trunks for a few years “until the fish move on to China or somewhere like that”.
Witch-Ducking “Isn’t Always The Answer” Says Controversial Ardboe Man
A campaign to outlaw witch-ducking in parts of Ardboe by 2017 was met with disapproval from many quarters yesterday.
The little-known law, which was endured in the area for over 500 years, is planned to be repealed within the next three years by the courts, but met stiff opposition from locals who were disappointed at the news. The practice involves lowering suspected witches into Lough Neagh whilst strapped to a seat.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
“When the elders is the area decide that someone has contravened our local bye laws, that’s when we turn to The Stool”, explained village chieftain Methusala O’Neill. “It’s grand for dispensing law and order, or just for when we’re bored and after a bit of craic. Last week there was this wummin from the Mullan Road who wouldn’t stop playing Hugo Duncan. On and on and on it went, for at least five minutes. Maybe even more. She went in The Stool. No messing. Looked like a drowned rat when she came out. And the thing is, we all love Uncle Hugo round here”.
“And it’s not just the wemmin by the way”, he continued. “Men can go in the ducking stool. We’re very modern that way. Lucksee, just last week John Joe Quinn from the Ballygillen Road went in The Stool for having bandy legs. Everyone agreed they were fed up lookin’ at them. Up and down he went. Three times. Mighty”.
Reilly, off to catch her dinner
But controversial Ardboe man Hugh Loughran thinks it’s time for the practice to be stopped.
“I’m fed up with it. You should see the crowds. They’re mad for it. Out in their thousands. It’s like Philomena’s turned up. This ducking business is out of date. If people want entertainment why can’t they just do a local Strictly Come Dancing, same as everyone else?”
Questioned whether or not witch-ducking was a practice that belonged in another century, O’Neill was quick to respond.
“We’re not savages you know. Nobody gets drownded. Calm yerself. We always make sure they’re safely strapped in when we send them to the bottom of the freezing Lough waters. We’re very health and safety conscious round here. They always get a towel when they come out. It’s a bit like water boarding combined with a trip down the water slide at Dungannon Leisure Centre. And probably just as cold”.
Maureen Reilly, a self-confessed witch from Ruskey Road, said,
“I’d be devastated if they took The Stool away. It’s the only way I can get cheap eels as long as I’m quick. It’s part of the way of life round here. You can feck off with yer mobility phones and yer teleradios. Leave the stool alone. They’ll be wanting to outlaw our iron maiden next. Jaysus”.
In other news, Donaghmore is expected to outlaw tickle torture next year.
Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout
Mary-Ann Quinn this morning
A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.
Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.
“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”
Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:
“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”
The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.
County’s Youth To Turn Wrath Towards Bieber, Banks, Bono, Piers Morgan And Derry After Thatcher/Paisley Era
Outsider Bono at 14-1
A county referendum has been called for late 2014 after youths admitted to feeling a bit lost and confused since yesterday’s news that the Reverend Ian Paisley had passed on to his eternal reward.
With Thatcher, Paisley and Rangers FC out of the picture, many young nationalists are now turning their attention to international celebrities for an outlet to vent anger and rage, much to the disappointment of the older generation who claim there is still plenty of home talent to target. Chairperson of the Tyrone Youth Committee Malachy Bradley announced there will be a county-wide vote before Christmas to decide who will take on the role of hate figure for today’s teenagers:
“Yes, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to see our young ones walking about without a care in the world. They’re just graffiting their own names and stuff. We need to decide quickly on the next hate figure before we’ve lost them completely to apathy.”
A straw poll this morning in Cookstown saw a number of names emerge from the international celebrity circuit including Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan with only a few identifying Pat Kenny and Mrs Brown as possible targets. Bradley maintains it doesn’t have to be a case of looking beyond our own shores:
“County Derry is always there. Back in the 50s we used to write all kinds of stuff on walls about Draperstown and Ballinderry people. Then there’s always the safe option of Brolly or Spillane. We need to think carefully about this. The banks are too obvious and a poor price anyway at 5-1 each way.”
Other high profile candidates include Willie Frazer, the midges around Lough Neagh, Louis Walsh, traffic wardens and Ryanair who are 3-1f in Toals Bookmakers.
Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes
Penny chews
Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.
The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:
“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.
Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:
“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”
Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.
The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.
Embarrassment As Ardboe Man Accidentally Buys Own House On Internet
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A lack of communication between a husband and wife in Ardboe resulted in a man successfully purchasing his own house on the internet.
Gerard and Patricia Cush had been considering down-sizing their home in Ardboe to something smaller in the nearby vicinity, when 56-year old Gerard Cush made a bid after spotting what he believed was the house of his dreams advertised on-line. However, the ‘property of a lifetime’ he had unwittingly stumbled upon was actually his own house that his wife had added to the intranet the day before.
“I saw this deadly house for sale in the ‘much sought-after up-and-coming west end of Ardboe’”, said Cush. “ Well, I didn’t know where that was, but it sounded quare”. He went on to explain how he was caught out because there were no exterior photographs of the property. “Aye, Pat’s no fool. She put in the ad that internal viewing was recommended, because to be frank the house looks feckin’ awful from the outside. The house is gradually subsiding into the Lough. We’ve practically got ducks swimming around the bed. So you see I only saw the inside photos”.
Dream property, by the lough shore
He went on, “But even then, I didn’t recognise the place. Jays, the wife had done some amount of tidying up. Last time I saw the kitchen work surface as clean as that was the day it went in. And the bathroom looked amazin’ hi. She must have got rid of that big pile of toe nail clippings that was on the windowsill. To be fair it was starting to block out the sunlight. And I never even knew the toilet was white until I saw them photos. It was glistening”.
Patricia admitted that she had to take some considerable licence when describing the property.
“Well ,that’s as maybe, but it doesn’t forgive that buck eejit from buying his own damn house. Clean work surface in the kitchen? What does he know about it? He never goes in there. Anyway, I suppose I did go over the top a bit, but that’s what everyone does”. She went on, “I had said it had four bedrooms, even although the fourth one is really the airing cupboard. Quite a small one at that. And ‘genuine water feature’ was probably taking things a bit far with all that water from the lough bubbling in through the aerial socket in the living room. Some handlin’. This whole thing’s been a complete shambles from beginning to end to be honest. In fact, a bit like our house”, she said.
A rueful Mr Cush said,
“I paid a non-refundable deposit to the website of £2,500. The advert said it was a dream home. I wish I could bloody wake up now”.
Man Finally Sells Choc Ice At Washinbay Resort After 24 Years. Retires.
The man who walks up and down the shores of Lough Neagh selling handbags, sunglasses and mineral, despite there being no customers since 1990, has finally made a sale after Fr Fay bought a Choc-Ice for £1 yesterday evening.
Pat Quinn celebrated the windfall by buying ten 10p mix-ups at Falls’ shop, giving two to his wife Brenda.
Washingbay resort, which used to see thousands flock to from all over Europe to bathe in the icy eely waters, closed its doors to the public 24 years ago in preparation for the failed lignite excavations. Quinn, however, failed to give up on his sideline of selling useful goods to bathers and excited children and roamed the shore from 3pm-9pm every day since, rain, hail or dull.
An elated Quinn added:
“I’m ecstatic. I haven’t sold a thing since 1990 as no one comes here any more. I can’t describe the loneliness of it all. But I knew some day someone would cross my path and wasn’t it divine intervention – Fr Fay. He says he was just checking the area to make sure young ones weren’t curting in cars and hedges. I don’t give a damn what he was at – he bought a Choc-Ice. I’m retiring today.”
Fr Fay maintains this was just the start of a cleaning up of morals and standards in today’s youth in East Tyrone. From the front door of his mansion he told us:
“It’s a back to basics approach. All I see now is young ones walking about probably looking for courting and stuff wearing shorts and vests and winking. In my day I was in the bog stooling away or saying the rosary. I’ll put the romance out of them. I’ll be in the Greenvale this weekend and I’ll not hesitate to step in if I recognise one of my parishioners facing someone from another parish.”
Fr Fay added that the Choc-Ice was alright just.
It’s Official! Every Family In Tyrone Has Received A Grant For Something
Terence McNeill – Rooster Whisperer
The final family yet to receive a grant have announced that a £3000 cheque arrived this morning for the upkeep of a badger sanctuary in their garden. This news means that every family in Tyrone have now received a grant for something in the last ten years, ranging from ‘keeping an eye on Lough Neagh for invaders’ to ‘looking after the Strabane Christmas Tree’.
Economic sceptic Professor Harry Brown maintains this handing out of money for anything has to stop.
“I thought I’d seen it all until I met Paddy Grant from Brocagh last week. He told me he’d received a grant for being a Grant. Then there was Mary Shackleton up near Glenelly who pocketed £5000 for speaking three words in Irish every day – ‘tá mé anseo’ (I am here). She’s originally from Plymouth in England and lives alone apart from a wild cat that visits. That’s just madness.”
Professor Brown appears to be in the minority though as several awardees came forward this morning to defend their funding. Noel McGrinn from Dromore explained:
“The professor should learn to wind his neck in and maybe research a wee bit as to why these grants are handed out. For example, I get £1500 a year for making sure I preserve a small patch of grass around my back that a local holy woman claims St Patrick urinated on during his travels across Tyrone. There were no toilets in those days so her ‘vision’ might actually be true. I think that’s money well spent by the Department of Granting and we’re preserving a small bit of Ulster culture.”
The highest award this year was for Drummurrer handy man Terence McNeill who received £30’000 for pacifying local roosters and hens by singing soothing lullabys like Humpty Dumpty and Three Blind Mice.
Moortown Firefighters Rescue Duck From Lough Neagh
The Ballyronan Duck
As onlookers burst into a round of spontaneous applause, ten Moortown firefighters finally rescued a duck from the Lough after a 4 hour ordeal this morning.
The duck, thought to be from the Ballyronan area, was reported to authorities at 9am this morning by a woman out walking her four Labradors on the Ardboe Road.
Eleanor Quinn identified a worried look from the duck and quickly made the 999 call before it drifted out any further.
“I knew by the look of it that it was in a spot of bother. It sort of had a frown and the quacks were of a tired nature – like as if it had been out there for hours maybe even days. I know that the Lough can eventually lead to the Atlantic Ocean and people wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to see it float down the Bann. I knew I had to act now.”
The rescue operation, which involved an old disused fishing boat and a £1 net for catching frog spawn, took over four hours to complete such was the duck’s reluctance to trust the boat full of ten uniformed local men.
“Yes the duck was stubborn. We debated shooting it with a tranquilizer dart but with the eyes of the world on us we went the humanitarian way. Fortunately the duck finally saw sense and flew back to Ballyronan.”
There will be a parade through Moortown tonight in honour of the courageous firefighters who admit this was the first bit of action they have experienced since Brian McGuigan got his head stuck in a barrel in 2006.
False Alarm As Whales Washed Up On Lough Neagh Beach Are Just Two Local Men Bathing
Not a whale
Two Derrylaughan brothers, Kenny and Kieran McAliskey, were said to be a bit annoyed after they were mistaken for two whales which sparked an international environmental storm. Both have since signed up for Slimming World in Dungannon.
The global incident was first reported after dog-walker Malachy Hamill spotted the two carcasses on the shoreline at 10am down by the Washingbay, a former continental sunbathing resort. Hamill, who claims to have 20/20 vision despite his 77 years, immediately phoned the parish priest, Irish News and BBC NI with his findings before heading home to find his binoculars.
“I was afeard of approaching them in case they got angry. But they definitely looked like two hefty whales with blubber wobbling all over the place.”
Fr McKinstry was on the scene within minutes and began a rosary with 15 women who follow his car about, ‘for the safe return to America or wherever the beasts came from’ according to chief prayer Lisa Mullan. Mullan added:
“Then all of a sudden the whales got up and rubbed themselves with towels and got into the car. We thought it was a miracle and a rake of the women fainted. It was only after Kenny wound down the window as he passed by and called us a bunch of praying perverts that the penny dropped. I’m not sure what happened here but it might be a miracle. Fr McKinstry is building a whale grotto just in case the Vatican gives it the nod.”
Kenny McAliskey admits it’s a wake-up call:
“If there’s anything that will encourage you to lose weight it’s being reported by Wendy Austin on BBC Radio Ulster as resembling a whale. I sort of got my eyes opened there. We ate a lot of Chineses lately.”
Meanwhile Lough Neagh Rescue Centre have confirmed that it’s impossible for a whale to come up the Bann to the Lough.
Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation
Cookstown, an hour ago
Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.
UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,
Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:
“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”
When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.
Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.
Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.
Ballinderry On High Alert After Derry Championship Exit
This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials
UN peace-keeping troops are said to be gearing themselves for the worst after Derry prematurely exited the Championship after losing to Longford. Tensions in Ballinderry, which straddles Derry and Tyrone, were said to be simmering late last night with reports of smirking and winking from the Tyrone ones at a higher level than usual. UN officials have warned that they’ll blow up the bridge if it cuts up rough.
The parish, which survived a failed coup by Tyrone last year, has this morning been flooded with vans from news outlets across the globe incuding Sky, CNN and BBC. The Lord Mayor of Lough Neagh, Derryman Leo Salmon, has urged both sides to display a high level of maturity or at least wait until Louth play Tyrone next weekend:
“This time of the year is always tense, sometimes worse than the marching stuff. I witnessed myself the antagonistic activities of the Tyrone ones last night, pretending to be overly nice to the Derry ones in the bar and asking if they wanted a pint whilst smirking. They know what they’re at. If this continues into today it’s inevitable we’ll be dealing with a slapping session. It’s the first slap we need to prevent.”
Ballinderry man but Tyrone supporter Kevin McGurk is adamant there will be no trouble from his side:
“We feel their pain. We really do. I think we went out in June one time too. Back in 1955. “
he said walking off and laughing like a hyena.
Meanwhile, Louth GAA have revealed they sold 5000 jerseys online last night with the bulk of the sales coming from Dungiven, Loup, Swatragh and Bellaghy. This was very much in evidence this morning when reportedly 80% of the congregation at St Patrick’s Church in The Loup doned Louth jerseys during mass.
Children ‘Cursing Like Mad’ Today After Dunphy Slip-Up
Omagh lad asking what time it is, today
Following Eamon Dunphy’s four letter word slip-up yesterday live on RTE during their World Cup coverage, parents and teachers across Ulster have reported a rise in bad language today in homes and schools, highlighting the popularity of both football and Eamon Dunphy.
Dunphy, who has since made two apologies for his error, believed the cameras were off air before he offered his opinion on Neymar’s penalty kick for Brazil against Croatia. Headmaster Michael McGlone indicated that it is too late for his class of P6s from Greencastle, at the bottom of the Sperrin Mountains:
“Ah, I know mistakes can happen but Holy Jaysus this morning has been an eye-opener for me in terms of the power and influence TV has over youngster these days. At 8:45am, on his way in to the school, our head boy and chief altar helper said to me ‘Master, I’m hope there’s no fuckin homework today as it’s fuckin hot again out there’. This boy hasn’t cursed since birth.”
It’s not just in the classroom that colourful language has been on the increase, as mother of three Julie O’Neill from Brocagh on the shores of Lough Neagh explained:
“The children were up watching RTE last night as we’re big Mexico fans because we love their food, especially all that taco shit. We paid no heed to the slip-up last night and assumed the children had not heard it. Well, this morning I overhead my two youngest Peter (6) and Mary (5) fuckin and blindin away about the Corn Flakes. I thought two work men were in that kitchen, not my precious angels. Eamon Dunphy, you’re one fuckin bollocks!”
Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that Dunphy will tour Ireland to visit schools to promote ‘Say No To Bad Fuckin Language’ although the tour’s risky title is still under review.
Lough Neagh’s ‘Speedgoat’ Business Folds
Patsy Cush and Graham the goat on his maiden ride
After only one week in operation, the Lough Neagh Speedgoat Company have closed due to multiple unforeseen difficulties.
The initiative, which received backing from the European Funding Association, suffered immediate teething problems when Gregory, their flagship goat, refused to enter the water due to the extremely cold temperature of the lough. Company CEO, Janet Donnelly, admitted it’s back to the drawing board for Lough Neagh money making ideas:
“We honestly thought the idea of speedgoats would see people flock to Lough Neagh from afar a field as Colombia or Sudan. It turns out goats aren’t deadly swimmers. We did managed to find one named Graham who didn’t mind the water that much but didn’t really move much. In fact, he just floated there looking a bit confused.”
The Lough Neagh Speedgoat Company called it a day after their three water-friendly goats found themselves constantly brawling with the lough’s natural residents such as eels, minks, pollan and midges.
“It wasn’t going to make much money. Children were sort of afraid of the whole concept and they were our target audience. Patsy Cush thought his ride was class but he was a lone voice and he has always been easily amused. The money is still there though so we’ll get thinking about new business ventures on the lough.”
Brocagh Primary School have recently run a competition for ideas on how to improve tourism on the lough. Suggestions have included:
- floating competitions
- dragon boat racing
- underwater rugby
- aqua aerobics
- reality show on water about fishing with phone votes and stuff
Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People
A Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.
The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.
Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.
“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”
Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:
“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”
Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.
Tyrone Tribulations 