Blog Archives
Raheem Sterling Still Keen On Dungannon Swifts Move Says Agent
Artist’s impression of how Raheem might look v Loughgall in a friendly
Want-away Liverpool winger Raheem Sterling is said to be veering towards a move to Dungannon Swifts after it emerged that the Northern Ireland Fly Fishing Association are to run trials at the Dungannon Park lake this month.
An avid fly-fisher, Sterling is reportedly seething after he was overlooked for the England fly-fishing team for the international championships later in the summer. Insiders claim he points the finger firmly at his manager Brendan Rodgers who refused to allow him to leave training early the day of the English trials.
Sterling, who has played 16 times for the England soccer team, is also said to be impressed at the new statue erection in Pomeroy ‘The Lady and the Lark‘ and sees this as a chance to settle down and have children who’ll be immersed in such local culture.
Close friend Joshua Bolt added:
“There are just so many signs now pointing towards the Swifts. The new statue in Pomeroy, the fly fishing trials, the copious parking space in the town, the vibrant anti-social element, Woolworths, the close proximity to the culturally diverse Moygashel. If there is a God, he wants Raheem at Stangmore Park, running up and down that wing against the likes of Ballinamallard. The stuff of dreams really.”
Dungannon Swifts PR trainee Jack Alad admitted the club were not sure whether to give Sterling the green light or not:
“I think this Raheem boy is reading all the great stuff about Dungannon but he needs maybe to stay a night or two over here. We’ve had them dodgy door-to-door pillow sellers recently and then the boxing session outside the Fort last week. It’s not paradise completely and maybe the Raheem boy is listening to the wrong advisers.”
Meanwhile, Sterling’s agent has tabled a motion to re-name Dungannon if he does sign for the Swifts, due to the word ‘dung’ being at the start of the name and the stick he’ll get from his England team-mates. The transfer fee is reportedly around the £50m mark and a free feed in Viscounts.
10 Men Hospitalised After Maiden Tour Of New Tyrone Whiskey Distillery
Stag reacts to first sip
A stag party’s celebrations ended prematurely after a ‘slight miscalculation’ in the alcohol content of a new whiskey brewed in Pomeroy resulted in all ten party members receiving attention in Enniskillen hospital for ruptured throat and stomach linings after initial feelings of crazed merriment.
‘Sluggan Whiskeys’ owner James O’Kane, who opened his doors to visitors at the weekend, have promised to look into the mistake but also hinted that the men were ‘maybe not hard enough drinkers‘.
Groom-to-be Daithi O’Giles admitted he had grave reservations about the product before the free consumption at the end of the tour:
“I did think it was a bit worrying when they took us to the brewing room and all we saw were four large buckets of barley and a man throwing kettles of hot water over them and mashing it by jumping up and down on them with his wife. Then they threw it into a vat-type thing for three years and hoped for the best.”
Sluggan Whiskeys, whose slogan is ‘The Wacky Brain of Jamesy O’Kane’, have agreed to buy an ABV (alcohol by volume) gauge if their advertisement for a whiskey taster fails to gain any applications after the weekend’s mishap.
“We’ve always had a fair idea of how much alcohol there was in the brew by throwing it at the wall and seeing what damage it does to the paint. Unfortunately those methods seem outdated now and we apologise to the stag lads. But they have to admit they were in great form for the first ten minutes after consumption. Hopefully they’ll take up our offer of a bottle of our first turf-flavoured whiskey in 2018 for the discounted price of £70.”
Sluggan Whiskeys also agreed to review their charging policy after the stag party were each asked for their £20 tour fee as they exited the premises on stretchers.
Pomeroy Point Finger At Fifa After Derrytresk Defeat
Hill Man?
Slap Bladder, Fifa president, has come under fresh scrutiny after a gang of Pomeroy supporters blamed the Swiss man for inteferring in the Pomeroy/Derrytresk Intermediate championship game which saw the East Tyrone side emerge with a 4-point victory.
The Pomeroy Plunketts, who were deemed ‘unbackable’ by many bookmakers in the county, were left shellshocked after two second half goals saw The Hill progress to the quarter finals where they meet the winners of Edendork and Moortown whilst Pomeroy players safely book holidays in Ibiza and Downings.
Long time Pomeroy supporter James Kavanagh was left in no doubt as to why the result stood:
“Bladder’s hands are all over this. Why did the wind die down in the second half? Why was our player sent off for nothing? Why was the match played in Galbally? Why are there cows on the Derrytresk jerseys? These are important questions but you can be sure Bladder will pretend he knows nothing about it. A crook.”
External match-fixing investgator Kirk Forlan from Berlin admitted there may be some link between Derrytresk and the Fifa head-man.
“People have always been suspicious of why Derrytresk had the best roads in Ireland – so smooth you could iron your clothes on them. There’s money in that townland and it didn’t appear out of nowhere.”
Derrytresk PR spokesman John-Hugh McWallace denied any wrong-doings:
“People need to wise up. Yes, there is money in Derrytresk but that’s simply because we’re fairly tight. And yes, our roads are good but that is down to the beautiful aridity of this part of the world, often likened to the dry plains in southern Portugal. And finally yes, Bladder has stayed here a few times but blame the Fitzgeralds for that. He’s a third cousin, four times removed. But to say Slap had anything to do with this result is ridiculous. He wouldn’t even know where Galbally is.”
The anti-corruption agency NGO Transparency International warned Derrytresk that they’ll be sending an envoy of 32 delegates to watch the quarter-final.
Tyrone’s Oldest Man (111) Reveals Secrets To Long Life – Tackling Women
Grimm (111)
Joe Grimm, who yesterday turned 111 making him the oldest Tyrone man since records began, maintains long life has nothing to do with food and fitness but is down to a succession of fine women as romantic companions.
Grimm, who was born in Pomeroy in 1904, reckons his best decade was the 1940s when local women were ‘coming out of themselves a wee bit more’ and ‘showing a bit more leg’.
“1947 was a great year for getting women. Gone were the long pleated dresses and square shoulders. In came the cocktail dresses and pencil skirts. It was a deadly time to be sitting on a wall in Pomeroy eating ice cream and gawking at the women heading out of Mass.”
Grimm advised today’s men to give up on lifting weights and running if they want to live a long and healthy life:
“That’s all a load of balls. I sees boys running down the road with water bottles and stuff. And these same boys would run a mile if a woman winked at them. Flirting and courting at least once a day is what keeps the ticker in good shape. I attempt to tackle a different woman every day and have done so since 1951. Maybe one in every forty tackles are successful but that’s good enough for me.”
Despite having experienced 22 restraining orders and 411 trips to Accident & Emergency for chatting up married women, Grimm revealed his favourite opening line that is sure to melt any woman’s heart in Tyrone:
“Did you just fart? ‘Cause you’re blowing me away”
Grimm added he also liked sausages, listening to birds and drinking.
Undercover Documentary On Tyrone Under 21s Shows Canavan ‘Shouting Like Mad’ At Players
Really is cross and crabbed
Award-winning BBC documentarist David Titchmarch has been asked by the Tyrone County Board to postpone his startling documentary on the Tyrone U21 side’s run to the All-Ireland Final.
His findings, which will send shock-waves the breadth of the province, shows former multiple All-Star Peter Canavan shouting loudly ‘like a demented school-teacher’ and Brian Dooher asking players to run around the field TWICE as a warm-up.
Manager Fergal Logan reportedly escapes criticism and is often filmed pleading ‘ah now, Peter, don’t be shouting like that’ and asking Dooher if he was maybe going a bit too hard on the players by making them do 15 press-ups and 15 squats.
A county board official, who downloaded the documentary illegally using an Irish torrent site, told us:
“Peter doesn’t come out too well in this. There’s a scene when he’s shouting at Frank Burns and his veins are clearly visible in his neck and him red-faced saying things like ‘for f**k sake Frank, bend for it, ye Pomeranian gope’. This won’t go down well with the parents of many of the players, especially when he slags off their highlighted hairstyles and expensive boots. He really is cross and crabbed, as the song goes.”
The documentary also paints Dooher as a sadistic pain-merchant, at one stage making the players do piggy-backs and backwards running. Our official explained further:
“I think the parents are going to be in two minds whether or not to send their players to training for the final. Dooher is filmed at one stage standing in front of the players making them do stretches and stuff for FIFTEEN minutes before they even kick a ball, smirking and winking at Canavan. This man is a machine but comes across like some soldier from Russia or Germany in the 1940s. Or maybe from England since the 1200s.”
Titchmarch has agreed to postpone the documentary until after the final has been played and has also agreed to slap on an 18 certificate because of the shouting and stuff.
East Tyrone In Mourning As Clubland’s Pink Pussycat Closes Its Doors
Deadly dancin
Thousands of middle-aged former disco-goers will wake with a heavy heart tomorrow morning after Cookstown’s premier ballroom of romance, Clubland, permanently closed its doors on Friday night.
The Pink Pussycat, which drew millions of lurkers, drivers, drinkers and dancers every weekend since the 1980s, was reportedly once thought responsible for 71% of marriages and 92% of children born in East Tyrone during the 90s. Pope John Paul II was allegedly a fan of the venue as it kept numbers healthy in the predominately catholic areas around Ardboe and Derrylaughan.
Leo McCann (48) from Moortown remembers the Molesworth Street venue with great affection:
“Ah, I’m vexed about the closure. Every week, without fail, I’d leave the venue with a girl under my arm – usually one of the Murray sisters from up the country. The eyes would be cutting out of me from the fake smoke they’d release during the slow set but it was the same for everyone. We’d all be red-eyed, with many crying uncontrollably from the stinging sensation, not really knowing who we were courting. Great days.”
John Kirby, a 46 year old single labourer from Pomeroy who often stood in the Kildress Corner of the dance floor , recalls how important the venue was during his late teen years:
“Yes, myself and seven mates would arrive in my souped up Volkswagen Golf and we’d speed up and down Molesworth Street maybe 700 times, trying to impress the dames. Sometimes we didn’t even go in. Just drove up and down for 4 hours playing Christy Moore full pelt. I’m sad our young ones won’t experience that. And the luminous dandruff was class under them laser lights.”
The former Clubland building will be replaced by a new sausage factory reportedly run by Owen Mulligan.
Accusations Of ‘Inside Job’ As Gerry Adams Finishes Second At Carrickmore Naked Trampolining Competition
Adams, after announcement
A Pomeroy naked trampolinist has had his winner’s cheque withheld after the Carrickmore judge was accused of being a great friend of the winner, whose jumping was described as ‘not that deadly’ by the strong Sinn Fein contingent supporting their party leader Gerry Adams.
Adams, who invented naked trampolining in 2012 and currently holds the Irish, British and Commonwealth titles in the sport, was expected to romp to victory at the Carrickmore event which featured many well known locals including Malachi Cush, Ciaran McClean, Plunkett Donaghy, Michelle Gildernew, Tom Elliot and Lynette Fay. The competition was won by Pomeroy lawyer Jack Kavanagh and adjudicated by Carrickmore veteran Patsy Gormley.
Over £40 was raised for a new coat of paint for the gable wall on the way into the village.
Spectator and naked trampolining enthusiast Deckie Bogue, a Fermanagh journalist and bare-chested midnight-lamping champion, announced his shock at the blatant skulduggery on display:
“Adams was by far the best naked trampolinist there today. He glided gracefully in the cold Carrickmore mist, his twisted torso a sight to behold. Gildernew and Donaghy were good at maintaining a straight back whilst Cush was perhaps hindered what God gave him in abundance as it was flapping all over the place and distracting everyone. But Kavanagh was middlin to say the least. This was a backhander job.”
The SF contingent booed heavily after the decision was announced and burst into a rendition of ‘Something Inside So Strong’. A despondent Adams, who lost his first competition since a defeat in 2013 in East Belfast, tried to remain philosophical after the defeat:
“I’m not going to accuse the Carrickmore/Pomeroy lads of anything. The reality of the situation is if you come to a place like this, you need to jump higher and better as there’s always a chance there’ll be a home-town decision. But I’ll be back. I haven’t gone away y’know. I’m just glad I bate Tom Elliot.”
Winner Kavanagh and judge Gormley were later seen laughing and joking outside the SDLP offices.
Lynette Fay was judged best newcomer after her maiden performance but has been warned about her risky tattoos for future outings.
Shock And Anger Over Grimes/McKee Oscar Snub. Hedges Burnt.
Snubbed again in America
For the 19th consecutive year, many film aficionados across the county have resorted to violence after Donaghmore man Conor Grimes and his Coleraine comic compatriot Alan McKee were overlooked at the 87th Academy Awards ceremony in LA on Sunday night.
The Donaghmore Road was said to be ‘ablaze alright‘ after fans of the famous pair went on the rampage in Newmills, Pomeroy and in Grimes’ homeplace of Donaghmore, burning hedges and overturning apple-carts. In Coleraine, angry graffiti was daubed on a wall near the Diamond shopping centre including ‘you can stick your gongs up yer holes‘ and ‘for feck sake, lads‘
A friend of the pair informed us that this may be the last straw:
“We’re rightly hacked off, so we are. That’s 19 years running these lads have been overlooked. I wouldn’t be surprised if the two packed it in and went back to the undertaking. Grimes even changed his name from Connor to Conor in order to appease the American audience. It’s fixed so it is. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts haven’t a patch on these two.”
McKee reportedly purchased a blue tuxedo in The Moy at the weekend, ‘in case they FaceTime us as a surprise‘ he was heard telling shoppers. Grimes had reportedly been on a no-fry diet since last month and was said to be practising smiling and crying.
The pair, who are currently touring the country with their play ‘‘St Mungo’s Luganulk‘, were unavailable for comment although locals commented that Grimes appeared bleary eyed coming out of an off-licence in Dungannon at 2pm, having stayed up all night to watch the awards show with his loyal dog Malachi.
The news adds to a barren run at the Oscars for the Tyrone movie scene. The last trophy to reside in the county was in 1959 by Galbally director John ‘The Red’ Talbot whose 15-minute subtitled Short Film ‘The Dufflecoat Man’, which depicted a day in the life of a door-to-door pitch fork and rake seller in the area, won a whopping 13 awards.
Tyrone Tribulations Declares Victory Over Car Parking In Dungannon
Our journalist McGlumphie celebrates news
Tyrone Tribulations declared itself ‘champion of the people’ after Dungannon Council agreed to provide free car parking in Dungannon town centre in September and October.
The Tyrone-based online news blog claimed that the Council had caved in to pressure following an article that appeared on the Tyrone
Tribulations website on the 4 August in relation to profits generated from the car parking facilities in Dungannon for the last three years.
“This is all down to us”, said journalist Shengas McGlumphie from behind an accumulation of empty whiskey glasses in Hagan’s Bar in Irish Street. “Our campaign to highlight the parking charges in Dungannon, has been a long, arduous, exhausting campaign that started on the 4th of August and finished about 3pm the same day. Jay, there was some drink taken that night boys”, he said. “Although there’s drink taken most nights to be honest”.
He went on,
“Tyrone Tribulations has reported and championed everything from nationalising Hugo Duncan to making Pomeroy less hilly. These are things that really matter to the people of Tyrone. It’s investigative reporting at its best. Today it’s bringing free parking to Dungannon, tomorrow it’ll be bringing the Olympics to Britain or suchlike. Sometimes you’ve got to stand up to the man. Deadly”.
McGlumphie refused to be drawn on reports that the website was little more than a collection of hastily written half-truths, that much of it was simply copied and pasted from the Dungannon Observer, and that the writers lacked communicative style and finesse.
“That’s f***ing bollocks that is”, said McGlumphie. “Tyrone Tribulations is quality reporting at its best. And I can categorically confirm that we have never copied stuff from the Dungannon Observer. Never in a million years. It’s usually the Tyrone Times. The Observer uses tara long words”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone stated that they knew nothing of the campaign and had never heard of Tyrone Tribulations.
Tyrone Tribulations Global Media Ltd, which owns Tyrone Tribulations, continues to be based in a corner of Dungannon Library until such time as they can afford to buy their own computer.
Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation
Cookstown, an hour ago
Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.
UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,
Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:
“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”
When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.
Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.
Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.
Coalisland Silver Band Drafted In After Armagh Brawl
Coalisland drummers practice
The Ulster Council have confirmed that for the potentially fiery Monaghan/Tyrone game they’re considering replacing St Michael’s Enniskillen Band with the infamous Coalisland Silver Band whose drummers are known for their fighting skills and general ‘taking no crap’ appearance.
The move comes after Armagh and Cavan players brawled just as the young Enniskillen band prepared to launch into The Boys of the County Armagh for the pre-match parade. A flag dispute has been identified as the reason for the punch-up but body language experts agreed that a few heavy hitters along the back line of drummers would solve any future disagreements.
Marching band fanatic Frank Hurson from Pomeroy explained:
“It is an old tactic we have used up in Pomeroy for decades. If there was a chance of things kicking off between two rivals, we’d (Pomeroy Pipe Band) have replaced our whole rear drummer line with the drummers from the Coalisland Silver Band. Rumour has it they were much sought after in Uruguay and Chile during the 1960s when their club football pre-match parades were riddled with mass brawls and maimings.”
Ardboe octogenarian Felix Quinn reminded authorities of the importance of a muscular drumming corp. Remembering the Battle of the Battery in 1971 when Moortown and Ardboe players fought for four hours after a musical difference during the parade, he warned:
“It’s vital the Ulster Council act now. In ’71 the Moortown lads objected to our flute band playing ‘Mary, The Moortown Harlet’ around the field even though it was a favourite around our parts. They charged at the drum lads at the back but we had infiltrated the musicians with our toughest reserves. Bloodbath. The Coalisland Silver Band are ideal for these Monaghan mountain men.”
Meanwhile, rumours persist that Mickey Harte will make a few fringe players camp out overnight in Clones in order to secure the outside line during the parade. He has denied meeting with Ardoyne protestors to ask for tips.
‘The Mountains of Pomeroy’ Now Has To Compete With ‘The Street Signs of Plumbridge’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
One of Tyrone’s most cherished songs has come under attack from other villages desperate to put their own mark in the music world.
The village of Pomeroy is facing increasing resentment that not only do they have their own special Diamond, but they also have their own song, renowned throughout the world. Other villages are now promoting songs about their villages and townlands, including the mournful ballad, ‘The Street Signs of Plumbridge’, a song about unrequited love and clear, unambiguous traffic signage.
Mickey Daly of Derbrough Road in Plumbridge told us,
“That Pomeroy song’s mince. What’s so special about their mountains, eh? Sure, do we not have a whole clatter of them in Tyrone? That’s why we’re promoting ‘The Street Signs of Plumbridge’. It’s an instant classic”.
He went on,
“It’s about a pair of two young star-crossed dreamers who meet by the river in Plumbridge for a romantic tryst, surrounded by
roads with excellent traffic calming measures. Once this gets out the recording studios’ll be fighting off Nathan and Malachi and Andrea and all that lot with a sharp stick. This is going to be the next ‘Fields of Athenry’”.
Daly said that an extract of two of the verses of the song relate to the timeless dance of young love, yet set in a modern and contemporary
setting: –
We met upon Glenelly bridge where cars reduce their power
They’re not allow’d to travel more than twenty miles an hour.
With stars above I begged for love, your embrace I did beseech
You updated Facebook, texted friends and soft did slur your speech.
With golden hair and winsome glance, your gentle form divine
You kiss’d me whilst the curlews sang beneath the Give Way sign.
My eyes did close in sweet delight when your lips on mine did linger
And only open’d in surprise at where you’d put your finger.
The final verse reflects on the sorrow of loneliness and of unreciprocated desire: –
We parted by the traffic lights and true I shed a tear
I’d had my heart so pierced with love, you’d had four cans of beer.
You captivated all my heart, my soul you did bewitch
Tho’ none can hold a candle to the street signs of Plumbridge.
Rumours surfaced last night that Hugo Duncan may have agreed to record another new local song, entitled, ‘The Pawn Shops of Strabane’.
Inaugural ‘Giro D’Onaghmore’ Cycle Race Takes Place, As Tyrone Declared, ‘Mad For The Bikin’
Sidney in training
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
An inaugural cycling race took place yesterday, in an event designed to compete directly with the Giro d’Italia road race which sees one of the stages taking in Armagh.
Local organiser, Terence Kerr from the Rock, proudly told us,
“It was an unqualified success. I know we only had one person who entered for it who didn’t even finish, but that’s not the point. Well, it sort of is, but you’ve got to try, haven’t you? And what’s so special about Armagh anyway? It’s not a patch on Tyrone. It says in the paper they’re starting the race at the Shambles in Armagh. Why not Donaghmore? You should see thon speed bumps on the main street. Now they’re a proper feckin’ shambles. That’s why we’ve done our own race. Armagh can stick their apple orchards up their holes”.
The lone participant, 32-stone man Sidney Clarke from Cabragh, collapsed with exhaustion just two miles into the 124-mile route.
“I had done all my preparation and loads of training and was taking it all deadly serious”, he admitted regretfully. “In fact I bought so many go-faster stickers out of Argos I couldn’t fit them all on my Raleigh Chopper. And all the gears were working apart from the first and second, so I’m not really sure what went wrong”.
Onlooker Gerard McMahon from Urney confirmed,
“Ah, now poor Sidney wouldn’t be fastest thing on two wheels. Some of the wee’ans coming out of St Joseph’s at home time were going faster than him. The poor man was on the bike for three hours, and that was just going up Pomeroy main street. And I don’t really think the stabilisers helped much. The critter. Sweat was lashin’ off him. He’s a big lad, carrying plenty of beef. By the time he finished, they had to burn the saddle. Tara”.
Kerr advised that the Giro D’Onaghmore race originally attracted interest from over 300 people, until nearly all of them realised the race was nothing to do with collecting their Giro from the post office on a Thursday morning. Plans are already underway for a 2015 cycling event, the Tour de Fintona.
Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People
A Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.
The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.
Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.
“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”
Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:
“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”
Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.
Tyrone SF Politician Pointed At Stuff In Windsor Castle to Save Taxpayers’ Money On Interpreter
McEldruff in London
Barney McEldruff, a minor Sinn Fein politician who was invited to Windsor Castle as part of the Irish President’s visit to London, was hailed as a financial do-gooder after he refused the use of an interpreter during the dinner and simply pointed at things he wanted.
London officials had expressed concern earlier in the week that the presence of someone from Carrickmore would cost taxpayers millions due to the astronomical costs of interpreters in the city. Sinn Fein were also aware of the adverse publicity such a move would create and had tried to put off McEldruff by warning him about the floods over there and the amount of pickpocketers there might be prowling around England.
Undettered, the novice politician was adamant he would attend the function as his name came out of the hat during the half time draw at the recent Ard Fheis.
“I know the Carrickmore accent can be wild hard to comprehend, especially outside of Pomeroy, but I was confident I could point at things I wanted during the dinner, like. And so it panned out. I successfully pointed at the soup, spuds, lamb, peas and lemon pie. No bother like.”
McEldruff admitted there were a few awkward moments as the night progressed:
“Yes, well the pints were flying and ordering those was easy. I just did the pint-down-neck gesture. However I was bursting for the toilet. I was shouting ‘bogs’ but the butlers and maids couldn’t understand. So I pulled down my cacks and took the boyo out and pointed to it. Next thing I was being thrown out of the castle by two burly guards. I gave that queen’s daffodils some watering though.”
The Carrickmore man concluded that London wasn’t ‘all that deadly‘ and that they ‘hardly knew anything about diesel and stuff‘.
Tyrone Man Builds Special RTE Studio For Re-Enactments Of Sky GAA Games
How it might look
A Pomeroy technician revealed he has been commissioned to build a new studio at RTE for Brolly, Spillane, Lyster and O’Rourke to re-enact key moments in games which are being shown exclusively live on Sky TV. The GAA announced earlier this week that 14 matches will be shown on Sky Sports. These consist of eight Saturday evening matches in the All-Ireland qualifiers, two All-Ireland football championship quarter-finals, and two Saturday evening and two Sunday provincial championship games.
However, Leo Devlin, who built a hen house for one of RTE’s senior producers in 2011, has been asked to construct a makeshift studio which will see the Sunday Game quartet act out vital plays from these Sky matches for RTE viewers such as goals, points, blocks and shoulders to compliment their commentary.
“I was told that people might get bored of watching Spillane and co just sitting there watching a match, telling us what is happening. What is proposed is that, say for example Meath is playing Tyrone, O’Rourke will turn up in his Meath gear, Brolly in a Tyrone top and shorts, Spillane will dress as a referee and Lyster can be the umpire or something. They will re-enact key scenes from the game so that viewers can almost visualize the match if they cannot afford Sky or work that remote controller they have. It’ll be some craic with them boys, especially if it’s a sending off for a decapitation or a kick in the balls.”
RTE have refused to confirm the existence of the new studio but admitted it’ll be hard for their viewers to stick looking at Brolly’s facial gurns and general slouching:
“We do need to offer something different. We did a dry run and O’Rourke never moved a muscle for two hours. He made a 3-15 to 4-18 game sound like a 0-0. They’ll be turning over to reruns of The High Chaparral on TG4 in their droves unless we spice it up a bit.”
Devlin also confirmed that a Drummurrer man has been granted permission to fit a new stove in the studio.
Nearly Everyone In Tyrone Is ‘On The Run’ From Someone Or Something
OTR in Tattyreagh
A recent report into the On The Runs (OTRs) in Ireland has confirmed that of the 177’000 inhabitants in Tyrone, almost 100’000 are on the run from something or somewhere. This startling revelation has thrown the Civil Service into chaos as they attempt to examine each case individually, originally thinking they were dealing with only 200 cases.
Chief civil servant Valerie McMahon listed a few of the reasons for the rather large tally of OTRs in the county:
“This is a bit of a nightmare. We asked around Galbally and Moortown for information on who was on the run and nearly every household had a couple of OTRs. In one lane in Galbally, there were 16 on the run from the TV licence man, 12 on the run from their wives, one on the run from buying a round and another dozen on the run from their drunken antics at recent weddings. And that was just the men. We met a woman from Cappagh on the run from her sister after leaving on a pair of straighteners and burning a hole in her Frankie Goes To Hollywood sweatshirt. Categorising these is going to be a logistical hell.”
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness is said to be livid at the suggestion that those on the run from stealing Choc Pops from a local garage in Pomeroy is to be given the same category of offence for those on the run from sticking up Union Jacks in Carrickmore. An insider told us he pleaded for the downgrading of ice lolly thieves:
“Marty went clean mad at Peter Robinson when it was revealed that an on the run Choc Pop burglar would receive a category 4 OTR status, the same as the two fellows from Newmills who put up three Union Jacks outside the toilets in Carrickmore. He says that the deadly summer we had last year left men and women fierce hot and that the ice lolly makers were cashing in on climate change, especially in Pomeroy with it being so high up and all. He didn’t go as far as condone the theft of Choc Pops but intimated that a blind eye should be turned, especially if the OTR is over 70.”
Meanwhile, a traffic warden who nearly gave a ticket to a vehicle in Coalisland last week and went on the run after being spotted licking his pencil by locals, has been told his OTR status will be quashed if he returns to his home in Banbridge.
Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming
Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh
Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.
Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.
County official Kieran McNelis informed us:
“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”
Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:
“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”
The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.
Tyrone Tractor-Seat Sniffer Still On The Loose
No seat is safe
The case of the Tyrone tractor-seat sniffer remains unsolved after two farmers in the Pomeroy area confirmed their own CCTV footage revealed a hooded elderly man sniffing the seats of a Massey Ferguson 231 diesel and 1992 Ford New Holland respectively late on Sunday night, half a mile apart.
This brings the total spottings to 188 since last summer, covering a wide area from Moortown in the extreme east of the county to Donemana near the Donegal border. The most recent victim, Kieran Grimes, admits he froze on the spot when he saw the shadowy figure sniffing away at the seat in the yard:
“I wasn’t convinced he existed until that moment I set eyes on him. I was thinking the other 100 or so farmers were taking the hand out of me. But it’s true bejaysus. He had a crooked back and was wearing a big dirty duffle coat and boiler suit bottoms and a wooly hat. Worst of all I could hear the sniffs. Big sniffs. I just froze. And he slipped away into the mist.”
PSNI say this is consistent with the other 187 sightings and warn farmers not to approach him. They quote the example of a Galbally vigilante farmer who ran at the phantom sniffer:
“Peader Tally made the mistake of confronting him before Christmas and regretted his bravery. The sniffer, described as probably in his 70s and with mad red eyes, pulled out a piece of blue piping and skelped Tally all about the legs. This man is dangerous. We’ll work something out.”
Local psychiatrist Marjorie Mullan maintains this is not a few phenomenon and that most farmers are addicted to the smell of tractor seats but usually keep to their own.
Several Men Hospitalised After Holding In Bellies
Tyrone County, Craigavon and Erne hospitals have all reported a spike in male admissions since the new year with over 90% suffering from strained stomach muscles. 313 men were treated this morning within a few hours of going back to work, having over-indulged over the Christmas period.
Doctor Peter McGrath, an expert in pulled muscles, explained the phenomenon:
“It’s the same this time every year. Men head back to work almost a stone heavier than before Christmas and try to hold their bellies in for long periods of time, especially when standing up, walking or talking to women. After about two hours the stomach muscles go into spasm and you end up writhing on the floor with the real belly wobbling uncontrollably.”
Dr McGrath maintains £3m is spent treating ‘pulling in belly syndrome’ in January alone. He also highlighted other side effects from the trend:
“A lot of men try to squeeze into the same trousers or shirts instead of buying a bigger size for the month of January. Again, after an hour or two the clothes capitulate and buttons fly off like bullets. I treated 12 civil servants yesterday for bruises and facial injuries from buttons hurled across offices. Someone’s gonna lose an eye, for the love of God.”
McGrath has advised men who are too vain to buy a bigger size to only hold their bellies in for five minutes maximum at any one time, or to wear suck-in pants that can be pulled up to their chests.
One Mid-Ulster Mail journalist had to be air-rescued from his vehicle after getting stuck between the steering wheel and his seat in Pomeroy on his way to a story brewing in Carrickmore.
Tyrone Tribulations 