Category Archives: Brackaville
Santa Booed At Coalisland Parochial Hall
Pat Quinn/Santa
The organisers of ‘Santa Comes To The Island’ have admitted they should have given the event a bit more thought after Santa was forced to leave under cover around the back of the hall.
Pat Quinn, a joiner who was asked to play Santa at short notice, turned up in a red Brackaville GFC coat buttoned to the top and sporting his trademark thick black handlebar moustache. To add to the visual disappointment, organisers forgot to put together presents for the children and had to resort to lifting things around the hall to present as gifts including used bulbs, screwdrivers, Allen keys, foldable seats and old newspapers.
Mother of 6, Patricia Lyons, maintains it might take a long time for her children to get over this:
“I paid £8 per child and all they got was a small used bowling mat, masking tape, a spanner, yesterday’s Irish News, a bottle of Lucozade already open and a stick – all presented by Pat Quinn. Even the children were saying ‘Well Pat’ when sat on his knee, and him with the black moustache from ear to ear and the Brackaville coat on him. A complete farce. He didn’t even say ‘ho ho ho’ .”
Organisers managed to get ‘Santa’ away from the baying crowd by turning off the lights for three minutes, throwing the hall into a mass of screams and crying children. Quinn was bundled into a blue Ford Ka and was last seen speeding up the Brackaville Road with his £500 appearance fee on the passenger seat.
Despite initially telling parents that their children were just spoilt, organisers announced they will refund any unhappy customers with free mineral tomorrow if they call between the hours of 7am and 8am.
97% Of Trainee Painters Failed ‘Cutting In’ Module At Dungannon Tech
Looking for advice on cutting in.
Standards of painting and decorating in Tyrone are said to be at an all-time low after the Dept of Education’s recent publication of vocational exam results.
Despite a rise in applicants for the course, Professor Jemmy Hanna maintains the level of competency is shockingly poor:
“Yes, it’s cat altogether. Cutting in was always a hard skill but young lads now don’t even get close to passing it. I was monitoring a lad from Brackaville last week who was painting a 14 x 14 ceiling and his cutting in was that bad it was impossible to know where the wall ended and the ceiling started. He then produced a packet of baby wipes to rectify the error and made a hames of it. Salvador Dali I called him.”
Prof Hanna also lamented the lazy attitude to the tools of work from today’s apprentices:
“On numerous occasions I’ve witnessed trainee painters forgetting to do basic duties in terms of looking after their brushes and rollers after a day’s work. This morning a boy from Killeeshil resumed his duties from last night with a rock hard brush. He more or less painted a wall with a stick.”
Meanwhile, the plumbing course at the college has again seen record numbers applying for a place after it was revealed that plumbers are now more desirable than firemen amongst Tyrone women, according to a poll in today’s Sunday Independent.
Mary Jordan, a 33-year old from the Moy, agreed:
“A man with a spanner in his hand covered in boiler dust just sends me mad.”
Half Of East Tyrone On Stress Medication Due To Multiple Bin Situation
Minor skirmishes have been breaking out all over East Tyrone following the introduction of two more bins, a brown and a yellow one, to add to the black, blue and orange bins already in use in most households. Several bin men admitted they don’t feel safe as house-owners wait behind hedges and trees in order to pounce if their bin is not collected whether it was meant to be or not.
The Dungannon and South Tyrone Borough Council have also come under criticism for the recent series of bins introduced which, when added to the under-the-sink bins, means all homes have 9 different bins with varying shades of colours.
Housewife Peggy Muldoon from Aughamullan explained:
“You’d nearly be happy with no bin at all. We were told not to put the stuff we’d normally put in the black into the black bin but put it in the brown bin. Now we have to put things you can’t eat into the black bin. But, like, I don’t eat teabags and I put them in the black bin yet the man refused to collect it as his bin x-ray machine said it could see a tea bag in my black bin. He says it goes in the orange bin and not the brown bin because you can’t eat it but you can suck it. The black bin is for hard things you can’t consume or nappies. Sheer madness.”
The new yellow bin as been added to homes for ‘things that you can bend but not eat, suck or break’. The blue bin is now to be used for newspapers and magazines, as long as neither exceed 78 pages when they can be placed in the black bin.
Added to the five outdoor bins, four bins (or caddies) have been given to households to place under the sink – blue, orange, green and purple. Muldoon added:
“Six people on our road had kitchen extensions in order to cater for the four under-the-sink bins. The purple one is the most confusing as it is for meat that doesn’t from from animals with four limbs. My mother is on 4 Prozac a day in case she puts out the wrong bin as the bin men have been getting angrier if the wrong bin is left out. They kicked the shit out of my brother last week for putting a pig’s trotter in the blue bin.”
Brackaville punters have a more intricate situation with two more bins for animal and human excrement.
Brackaville Par-3 Golf Course Ask For £50 Prize Money Back From Darren Clarke
First tee view
Officials at the internationally renowned Brackaville Golf Course are awaiting a response from Darren Clarke after they wrote him a letter asking for the £50 he won in a charity tournament in 1990. Internal investigations revealed that the Dungannon man failed to sign his scorecard at the end of his round. The then 22-year old reportedly spent the money on stout in the Brackaville GFC club.
“Rules are rules,” course manager Frank Fay told us. “This might be the best thing to happen to Darren – he’ll not make that mistake again.”
Fay added that Clarke’s ‘people’ told him over the phone that Darren hasn’t got £5o on him at the minute but that the next time he wins a big tournament he’ll definitely send over a cheque.
“That’s not good enough. I understand he hasn’t won much lately and is probably living off beans but debts are debts. We need that £5o as much as he does. The lawnmower’s bucked and Patsy’s goat has been under the weather so we’re stressed out here too. If we don’t see that money by the end of the month, there will be a couple of Brackaville boys making their way to his place, wherever that is.”
Fay also announced they have renamed the controversial 4th hole ‘The Rory McIlroy’ because that hole straddles both townlands of Roughan and Brackaville and people can have one foot in one place and the other in another creating a lot of confusion about where they are. He hopes the 4-time major winner will open the new hole ‘and bring a rake of fancy wemen with him‘.
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
Brazil Football Team Issued Bold Challenge By Brackaville Under-12s
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A youth football team from Outer Coalisland have challenged the Brazil football team to a game, ‘any time they want, day or night’.
The bold statement came from local boys’ team Brackaville Rockets, just hours after the host nation’s calamitous 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany at the semi-final of the World Cup earlier this week. The young team have gone so far as to promise to take it easy on Brazil, and that they would even be prepared to give them ‘a 2-nil start’.
“It’s true”, said team manager and father of one of the players, Danny Suddan. “We sent a fax to Pele asking him to bring the team over here to play our lads. We have a grand stadium in Brackaville with a quality pitch, or at least it will be just as soon as we’ve cleared off all the dung and the burnt-out Nissan Cherry. We’ll show him and them Brazilians a thing or two. Did you watch thon match of theirs against Germany? Our boys have nothing to fear. It’ll be a fair match. As long as they get enough toilet breaks throughout the game and a wee cuddle from their mums from time to time, they’ll have no problems. And our lads will be fine too”.
He went onto provide his own analysis of Brazil’s failure at the hands of Germany.
“If they’re ever going to win the football World Cup they need to stop with the bull fighting and flamencos and suchlike. They’re not focused enough. If they can’t even spell the ‘Brazil’ what hope have they got? They should never have been beat by seven goals. Germany are nothing special. Although I suppose they do have a bit of history destroying countries. If Brazil want to learn some proper lessons about a lacklustre midfield or squandering chances they should speak to our Northern Ireland team while they’re here”.
Suddan has also promised that if the Brazil team agrees to the match, that he would be willing to give Pele, ‘a few wile hints and tips about his bedroom problem’.
“I Wouldn’t Trust A Brackaville Man To Go To The Shop For Me” Says Coalisland Lady
Brackaville Man Doing Shopping For A Newmills Woman
Recent comments by First Minister Peter Robinson have opened a can of worms in the county as pubs, clubs and homes debate who they’d trust to go to the shops for them. Early figures show an extremely low percentage of trustworthiness within the county with no one in Coalisland prepared to admit they’d allow a Brackaville man or woman to go to the shops for them.
Regular mass-goer, and founder of the Christian Ethos In Coalisland group, Maire Lyons was crystal clear with her take on the issue of trust:
“As long as there’s breath in my body, I’d never allow a Brackavillonian to go to the shops for me. Put it like this, if you gave one of them money and a shopping bag and told them to get bread, milk and the papers for you, you’d never see that bag again. Or maybe you would but they’d be wearing it. Themuns are a shower of heathens up there. They’d take the eye out of your head if you stood still long enough. The bible says we’re all God’s children but they must be a different species completely.”
Such views were replicated throughout the county with only 3% of Urney folk trusting Clady locals to do the shopping for them. At the other end of the scale there appeared to be evidence of a love-in between Galbally and Donaghmore with 88% of Galballians trusting their neighbours to go to the Spar for them. Pat McGinn explained:
“Ah I love it when I ask someone from up the road to go to the shop for me for a pound of mince or a packet of sausage rolls. Them Donaghmore ones are wild generous and sometimes you’d look into the bag and they’ve thrown in about £300 worth of food and jewels and stuff. People say Donaghmore is the Kengsinton of Tyrone but I’d not have a bad word said about them. They even throw coppers at us in the pub. Wild kind.”
Meanwhile, an unexpected figure of 76% trustworthiness between Ardboe and Moortown residents was exposed as a fraud after it was revealed both areas have applied for a £30’000 grant to build a ‘Friendship Wall’ between them. Rumours suggest the money will be drank.
Masterchef Tyrone Axed After ‘Disappointing Standard’ Says BBC
Not a fan of corned beef in buttery soda bread
The much-anticipated ‘Masterchef Tyrone’ has been shelved after only three episodes when presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace refused to taste one more bite from the county’s hopeful culinary candidates.
The new regional series which saw contestants from Strabane, Killyclogher, Brackaville and Cookstown will now not air as promised and has instead been cut up and edited for special episodes of blooper shows such as You’ve Been Framed and It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Camerawoman on the set and former Miss Castlecaulfield 1988 Jenny Robinson explained the decision:
“I agreed with the presenters. The stuff was inedible. In the third series they were asked to make their signature dish and yer man from Strabane opened an old tin of corned beef, didn’t scrape off the fat, and stuck it between two lumps of soda bread smothered in butter. He added a few bits of grass for effect around the plate and told the two experts to ‘get yer gob around that’. Gregg Wallace, who has an enormous appetite, threw up on the first chew.”
Brackaville man Mick Rea was disgusted at the hasty decision:
“This is nearly a form of racism. Just because they don’t like our food they pull the plug. For my signature I made sausages inside a coat of bacon, smothered in a drippy but lightly fried egg with lashing of salt. As a side dish I chopped up some Love Hearts and melted a Snickers to give the plate a chocolatty sophisticated design. If I made that in Brackaville I’d be kicked around the golf course for being a snobby oul hoor. But not good enough for these two BBC lads. Discrimination.”
BBC defended the decision after revealing their two presenters were suffering from severe stomach cramps from the previous episode when Killyclogher’s Jennifer Grugan surprised the experts by misreading ‘crab pie’ as ‘crap pie’. That episode has been destroyed.
Brolly To Star In Washingbaywatch After Controversial Comments
On our screens this summer
Following the uproar and public apology over Joe Brolly’s comments on Rachel Wyse’s appointment as the Sky Sports GAA presenter, the Dungiven man is to prove he has turned over a new leaf by staring in a 3-part action drama on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Brolly will play Butch Colcannon, a lifeguard stationed down at the Washingbay in East Tyrone, who makes sure stray female bathers don’t get caught up in weeds or strangled by eels from the Sargasso Sea.
The show’s PR agent Danny Donnelly is sure that this mini-series will shunt Brolly back into everyone’s good books:
“Joe really wants to prove to the Irish audience that he’s a dead-on guy. His appearance as Butch Colcannon will win back the hearts of the housewife and the respect of the husband. Joe has already been receiving expert training from American navy seals and can now comfortably diffuse an underwater bomb designed to obliterate a shoal of whales who accidentally swim up the Bann. That sort of gives away the second episode but I just wanted to highlight how serious he is taking this.”
Butch’s love interest, a hairdresser from Brackaville who rekindles a friendship they had when a young Butch used to throw stones with her at the Brits in the village whilst holidaying there in the early 70s, is to be played by Miss Edendork 1988 Jackie Mallon who also holds a 20m swimming badge from Dungannon Leisure Centre.
Donnelly added:
“Joe will come across as someone who is accepting of women in powerful jobs, homosexuality, ethnic minorities, the Cavanaghs, cats, the Chinese, Bellaghy ones, Jews, transvestites, leprechauns, county music, the DUP, bald people, soccer fans and many others in the three episodes. It’ll be what the doctor ordered.”
Episode one of Washingbaywatch will be filmed at the shore this weekend. See BBC Traffic Watch for road closures.
Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland
New Brackaville-Free Campaign Poster
Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.
The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.
The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:
“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”
Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:
“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”
Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:
“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”
Brackaville Men ‘Most Desirable On Planet’ Says American Magazine
Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally
In an article titled ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back’, an American lifestyle magazine ‘Hotter’ remarkably claimed last week that Brackaville men are every woman’s fantasy as well as every other man’s nightmare. The publication, which is read by 12 million people across the States, based their findings on three Brackaville men who holidayed in Los Angeles recently and wooed local women with their knowledge of engines and drinking.
Hillary Scott, Relationship Expert for the magazine, explained further:
“I think their surnames were Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally. They arrived over on the Sunday and by Wednesday half of LA were hanging around their front door, pretending to have car problems. I myself pulled up saying my vehicle was spluttering. Well Gillis, in his flannelette checked shirt unbuttoned to his naval, oily arms and sweet smell of grass, came over and kicked my tyres several times. He obviously knew what he was doing. Then in those dulcet Irish tones he said ‘she’s a baste of a motor thon’. Well I swooned.”
Not all were enamoured with their presence as husbands and boyfriends sulked at home whilst their ladyfriends talked nonstop over phones and texts about ‘going Brack’ for a night.
“We were glad to see the back of those dudes,” Hank Young told us. “Our womenfolk were drooling in their sleep. And I can see why. They gave off the impression they hadn’t washed in weeks and slept in their clothes. How can an American man compete with that wild rugged look? And they can drink. Boy they can down them.”
Meanwhile Brackaville’s plans to have ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back‘ on their signpost coming out of Coalisland have been scuppered by Aughabrack who claim to have patented the phrase years ago.
Brackaville Pop Duo Record Coalisland Tribute: ‘Island In The Stream’
From Brackaville
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A young couple from Tyrone hope to make it big in the charts by launching their debut single which could also put Coalisland firmly on the pop music map.
Using a cover version of the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic ‘Islands in the Stream’ with amended lyrics, Killian Grugan and Clare Toner, both from Brackaville, will release ‘Island in the Stream’ next month, inspired by the heavy rain experienced by the town in recent weeks, when at one stage Main Street almost turned into a river.
Unemployed sandwich-filler Toner, 22, agreed to share the lyrics of the first verse, which retains the same tune as the Dolly Parton version:
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Maybe it’s the people or the pelting rain
Or our Belfast links, it’s fifteen minutes there and back
Disneyland has nothing on our Newell Stores
Tiger Woods once played at Brackaville’s golf course
And our wemin he loved, Coalisland girls are mad for craic
The chorus then goes on:
‘Island in the Stream
Of that there is no doubt
Come see our deadly Spar
And mini-roundabout
Take a lovely cruise on our quare canal
And we’ve the Central Bar, ha ha
And the Yankee Star, ha ha
Other verses remain a secret but Toner revealed,
“We’ve done a whole verse on the parking facilities in the ‘Island, and we were going to do more on transport links but we couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with Ulsterbus”.
She went on to explain how the idea came about on the spur of the moment.
“One day we popped into O’Neill’s when it was bucketing down for a quick one, and we had this wile idea. Let’s put the ‘Island on the map. They were playing Dolly Parton in the background and we both love Dolly so what better way to big up the ‘Island than re-writing one of her best songs? To be honest we were hammered by that time, but fair play we’ve carried it through. We’re going to be the biggest boy/girl pop group since them ones like Sonny and Cher, or Cagney and Lacey.”
Grugan, 24, a full-time ear defender, responded to questions over the accuracy of the lyrics, saying,
“Aye, well maybe a fifteen minute round trip to Belfast is stretching it a bit, but we’ve got to appeal to the tourists from Americay. That’s why we’ve mentioned the canal, see? And I’m sure I heard that Tiger Woods once played golf here. Or maybe it was Darren Clarke. Or somebody”. He went on, “There’s plenty songs that have put places on the map before. Where would London be without ‘The Streets of London’, Glasgow without ‘I belong to Glasgow’ or New York without ‘Viva Las Vegas’? Even ‘Mountains of Pomeroy’ made Pomeroy world-famous”.
Hopes are high for interviews in the London Times, Le Monde and the Coalisland Post. If the single is successful, the duo intend to record another re-written Dolly Parton classic entitled ‘Nine To Five-miletown’.
Brackaville Man Sues Opticians After Walking Through Glass Window
An angry Gillis
A 44 year old Brackaville boiler servicer has commenced legal proceedings against a Dungannon opticians after he walked straight into a glass window in the shop where he had just purchased his glasses. Harry Gillis, who has been wearing glasses since he was 7, claims he wasn’t told he had to wait for the lenses to be made, walking off with just the frame on his nose.
“At no time did they say I needed to wait for the lenses bit. I needed new glasses so they told me to pick what I liked from the shelf. After paying for them, the woman walked into the lab so I thought it was deal done and got up with my new specs on. The next thing I know I’m walking straight through a glass partition onto the street, completely shattering the whole window-wall. Everyone laughing made it worse.”
Boiler expert Gillis, who knew he needed new glasses las week after he serviced a neighbour’s dog kennel by mistake, reckons it was a townie v culchie practical joke.
“Them Dungannon townies are always making fun of us country ones calling us munchies and stuff. I think I was set up for their amusement as well as to bump up some business. I’m told the YouTube footage from their CCTV has 1.2 million views already. People forget I could have been hurt. Luckily I walk by kicking out my boots in front of me so they took the bulk of the damage. “
Legal expert Fergus Brogan from Stewartstown gives Gillis a chance of success:
“I have a good record. Last year I successfully sued Hollywood for $300 after a Coagh man claimed he was still having nightmares after watching Jaws 2.”
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
Remarkable Series Of Protests In Coalisland Between Psychic and Church
Coalisland hit the international news circuit this week when the cast and crew of Fr Ted found themselves caught up in a series of protests and counter protests in the town. The shenanigans revolves around the appearance of a well known psychic at the local theatre, Madame Rizzle, who has almost sold out a whistle-stop 4-day tour of the area.
Local worrier, Seamus McBonzo from Brackaville, explained the concern from one section of the community:
“It’s a load of balls, like. These people make stuff up and rip off the vulnerable who want to time travel after watching Dr Who or something. Sure I contacted the Madame herself and asked her to tell me who’d win the play-off between Newtownstewart and Derrytresk this weekend. She said Derrytresk would win by five goals to three. Con artist. I’m happy to announce that Fr Dougal Maguire from Fr Ted as well as some other real priests will be protesting on the night. Down with this sort of thing.”
Fans of the psychic world have also planned a counter protest at the same time outside the local church. Self-proclaimed medium Henry McCann from Annagher says he’ll be there with his placards too:
“Preying on the vulnerable? Explain to me the difference between our Madame and Fr Nolan telling the poor of the town to throw their last pennies into a basket, and then him buying a baste of a house, three Lithuanian maids, a Merc and a couple of holidays to Tenerife. Some con artists in that organisation. Sure I went to confessions last year and made the whole stuff up. He hadn’t a clue. Down with this sort of thing.”
McCann claims that he has secured the services of Fr Jack from the Channel 4 show to protest using the authentic banners from Fr Ted.
The Vatican confirmed they will be monitoring the situation closely using PSNI CCTV and will use reinforcements from Maynooth if there’s a ‘slappin session’ between the protests. Madame Rizzle predicts a peaceful evening.
20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.
Derrytresk Digger Drivers
Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.
The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:
“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”
Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:
“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.
The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.
Tomorrow’s schedule:
8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale
Council To Issue New Wheelie Bin Specifically For ‘Brolly-Related Materials’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed last night that they intend to issue a new wheelie bin to all rate payers, specifically to collect materials relating to Joe Brolly.
The bright red wheelie bin, already coined ‘the Brolly Trolley’, is being hurriedly distributed over the next few days in anticipation of another verbal tirade from the Under-12 manager and some-time RTE commentator at next weekend’s televised minor final against Mayo, Brolly’s last chance for another lambasting of Tyrone in 2013.
Refuse Department spokesman Sean McKenna said,
“There’s been a tara amount of stuff just dumped over the past month. On Monday, a 90-foot tall wicker man was found in Aughabrack with a wee plate of biscuits at the bottom and a sign saying ‘For Joe Brolly’, to entice him inside. These things have to be disposed of. Someone even dumped a 48-inch plasma in Parkanaur because Joe Brolly had appeared on it. People need to wise up. In the meantime, they’ll get a Brolly Trolley to put everything in”.
An increasing number of wax dolls have also been found dumped by the sides of roads throughout the county, with Omagh Arts College confirming that they have received record applications for their ‘Voodoo For Beginners’ classes.
“People were getting jabbed with all the needles falling out of the wax dolls and suchlike”, said McKenna. “Their wee wax faces were all sort of pinched and rodent-y lookin’, so we can only assume they’re of Joe Brolly. They’re a health hazard. They need to be safely disposed of”.
Council refuge workers also said they had seen a rise in the number of umbrellas being discarded because Tyrone supporters dislike the ‘brolly’ association, and there are reports of people nervously throwing away broccoli because of the possible connotations with the RTE commentator. However, there have been some positive developments with weekend fighting in places like Brackaville and the Washingbay having all but stopped. A spokesperson for the PSNI said,
“We’re always accusing these sorts of people of too much brawling, and we think they’ve got it confused with ‘Brolly-ing’. They’ve stopped in case people accuse them of siding with yer wild-eyed shouter off the TV”.
Unconfirmed rumours from Dublin confirmed that in case of another furious outburst from Brolly next Sunday, RTE pundits Pat Spillane and Colm O’Rourke have both requested Brolly Trolleys that they can use to hide in.
*TT would like to reveal that this will be the last Brolly-related post this year. We are over it.
Brackaville Ghost May Relocate To Stewartstown
A sad Brackaville Lily
The once-famous Brackaville ghost, who drew millions of people to the area in 2009 after making a few appearances, has announced that unless people start showing her a bit of respect she will pack up and head to Stewartstown who would be crying out for a bit of supernatural shenanigans. ‘Lily’, who says she’s about 200 years young or thereabouts, claims bad manners and general begrudgery has made her life a living hell:
“Ignorant shower of ungrateful living people around here. Yes, they were all over me when the crowds were flocking to the Mullaghmoyle Road after I made a couple of midnight danders outside the house. They couldn’t get enough of me. It was Lily this and Lily that. Newspaper people from England and all. Then I started to hear the grumblings from jealous women up the road who simply didn’t like the thought of their husbands and boyfriends talking about me all the time. Then the men turned on me too in order to placate the women. I’m off. People just drive through me now.”
Lily claims she was also being used as a scapegoat for every misdemeanour in the area from tax evasion to smuggling diesel:
“Yes, that’s correct. Men were being done for non-payment of TV licences, insurance or diesel and in court they’d plead innocence by saying ‘it was the ghost that done it’, claiming I was stealing documents and letters or leaving illegal fuel lying about. The powers-that-be would buy into it for fear of being haunted if they didn’t believe in me. As if I wanted to be at that craic at my age. All I want is a pint in Campbells and a round of golf up the road. I’m 200 for God’s sake.”
Lily claims she may move to Stewartstown before the year is out:
“That is maybe the fresh challenge I need. Sure foreigners don’t even go there. I’d shake that town up.”
Row Brewing Over Tyrone’s Garvaghey Complex ‘Memory Cabinet’
Kevin McCabe – 1984
The previously smooth-running Garvaghey Complex has hit a major speed-bump after tempers frayed this evening during the unveiling of a new ‘Memory Cabinet’ in the west wing. Accusations of bias towards certain clubs almost resulted in blows being thrown with one man labelling the atmosphere ‘deadly like’.
Pat Carabine, a member of the Urney club, put across his impression of the whole handling:
“Why are there all these East Tyrone things in the cabinet? Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1984. Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1986. Art McCrory’s monkey hat from 1986. Sure what did them boys ever win really? Why not John Lynch’s mullet? I’m told that McCabe did not donate his 1986 moustache at all and that what we’re looking at is Damien O’Hagan’s moustache from around the same time. The thing’s a farce”.
Francis Skeffington from Brackaville hit back, accusing West Tyrone of sour grapes:
“Them boys have had it too good for too long. I think the cabinet looks class and for me Sean McNally’s pants from the 1985 loss to Derry takes pride of place. It’s not all East Tyrone anyway. Aidan Skelton’s upside down handlebar moustache is there as well as a lump of Mikey Sheehy’s shoulder blade which was extracted by Noel McGinn in 86 whilst the ball was up the other end. They need to dry their eyes”.
The Garvaghey Complex Memory Cabinet Committee have rejected accusations of focusing mostly on moustaches, neglecting memorabilia such as medals, boots and jerseys:
“We just wanted to be different. There were some brilliant moustaches back then. Sean Donnelly, Mickey Mallon and then you have a few locks from Plunkett Donaghy’s majestic mop. Sure that’s what we all remember. We’re just disappointed Declan McCrossan didn’t donate his ’97 moustache to ease the West Tyrone accusations of bias”.
The Memory Cabinet is open at all times and punters are allowed to look at it for free for 10 mins with a £2 per min charge after that.
60% of Tyrone Children Suffering From Recurring ‘Brollymares’
Artist’s impression of Brollymare
It has emerged today that 3 in every 5 children in Tyrone today have nightmares about Joe Brolly, ranging from demonic chases across ramparts to receiving severe criticism of their drawings at school. ‘Brollymares’ have been on the rise this week after last Saturday’s torrent of abuse on everything red handed by the bespectacled U12 manager. Gortin GFC have set up a hotline for anyone suffering from Brollymares whilst local pharmacies in Beragh have reported an increased demand for strong sleeping medicine.
A 12-year-old fisherman from Ardboe told us:
“Jaysus boys it’s tara. Ghost oh like, I dreamt last night that he was my headmaster and he was dishing out all sorts of lines and slaps for wee things like blinking too often or sneezing. He kept saying pupils in Derry were smarter. It was like Simon Cowell only multiply that by probably a million. I dread sleeping now in case I have another Brollymare.”
Eskra woman Jenny McGarrell explained the catastrophic effects of the recent epidemic:
“You’d think every house in the area had the bubonic plague or something. I stood outside last night around 3am and the screams could be heard from every house at 5 mins intervals. Children are just traumatised with the whole shenanigans”.
Doctors have issued instructions for worried parents to read traditional horror stories like Dracula at night to their children to take their minds off the dastardly Dungiven demon.
Meanwhile there were angry scenes in Brackaville last night after a lifetime ban was placed on Brolly from ever setting foot in the parish by the village council. Local businessman Ray Campbell has offered £10’000 for the first person to catch Joe on Brackaville territory. An Icelandic exchange student who looked a bit like Brolly was released this morning having been held and tortured for three hours. His inability to speak or understand English finally stood in his favour.
Tyrone Tribulations 