Category Archives: Clonoe
East Tyrone Priest To Introduce Lingerie Sunday To Attract More Worshippers
Raring for a good Mass
An innovative clergyman has decided to push the boat out and explore new waters in his attempt to drag Catholicism into the 21st century.
Fr Benjamin Magee, who has overseen recent successful initiatives such as iPad Sunday, Hungover Sunday and Witch Sunday, hopes Lingerie Sunday will see the biggest congregation since last year’s Slabberin Sunday when twelve local slabbers were given 4 minutes each to talk about anything they want after the gospel reading.
Fr Magee explained:
“I’ve sent out notes in the bulletin to explain that women, and men for that matter as it is 2016, are encouraged to attend next week wearing lingerie. Anything goes…suspenders, stockings or brassieres of all sorts are acceptable. I expect it to be a lot safer than Witch Sunday when the local hags nearly burnt down the tabernacle by chanting at it.”
Fr Magee, or Benjamin as he prefers to be called, is in the running for Priest of the Year after increasing attendances from 250 to 500 in the space of a year due to his themed Sundays. Although the Vatican have yet to sanction the initiative, insiders believe the Papal Council are delighted at the increased collection money from an area they once described as ‘the most heathen parish in Europe’.
Early reports indicates tents have already been set up outside the church, with many middle-aged bachelor farmers suddenly finding a greater interest in religion and prayers have already been heard from a great number of excitable cattle experts.
One man (56), who wishes to remain anonymous, told us:
“This is going to be deadly. God works in mysterious ways but he has come up trumps again. It’s the bigger wemen I’m into and I’m glad Fr Benjamin has promised the healthier eaters extra prayers if they attend in their intimate garb. I can’t stop rubbing my hands.”
Mass starts at 12pm on Sunday, standing room only.
Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics
Typical O’Neill from Coalisland
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
One Year On – McCann’s Sensational Hair Speaks Out
In what has been described as a testing year with unprecedented levels of attention and scrutiny, Tiernan McCann’s tremendous hair has finally spoken out about its 12 months in the spotlight since rufflegate in August 2015.
In an exclusive interview, McCann’s sensational hair explained how trying the winter months were in the aftermath of the All Ireland quarter final:
“It’s been tough. The Kerry semi final was a taste of things to come. Kerry players were coming up close to me and staring at me and saying things like ‘mousse-head’ and ‘Elvis’. But that was mild compared to the abuse I’d get back home in places like Clonoe or Carrickmore. I just wanted to curl up and dye.”
2016 appears to have been a more pleasant experience for the beautifully follicled mullet with All-Star performances the norm throughout the championship and a new host of admirers across the island:
“Mickey Harte has been great. He brought in a new conditioner and it has given me my old strength back. On Sunday the McGees were saying all types of stuff to me like ‘gel-breath’ and ‘Dracula’ but this just drips off me now and I gleam resplendently, especially in warm weather.”
The Killyclogher hairpiece is due to release its first autobiography called ‘Hairway To Hell And Back And Sides’ in a final act of its journey towards redemption which will hopefully see the tremendous mane back to its former glory:
“I’m not 100% but almost there. Although some say I’m head and shoulders above most other hairstyles in the game today, I still have bad days. The Derry ones were calling me ‘Sherlock Combs’, ‘Jack the Clipper’, ‘Fat Boy Trim’ and other cutting remarks and it still hurts but there are more good hair days than bad.”
Meanwhile, Jonathan Munroe and Conor Gormley are to have a charity shouldering competition this weekend to raise money for the local school. The Carrickmore men are to run at each other from a distance of 30 yards and shoulder each other. The first man to hit the ground loses.
McCurry Literally Flying In Training To Impress Harte
McCurry in training, yesterday, 440 feet above sea level.
Darren McCurry was reportedly flying in training in a late bid to force his way onto the Tyrone starting team to play against their dear neighbours Derry in the first round of the Ulster Championship this Sunday.
Insiders confirmed that the Edendork sharpshooter arrived in training last night by jet-pack and remained flying until he ran out of fuel around half nine. Clonoe’s Conor McAliskey was allegedly furious at the lengths his fellow corner forward was going to to worm his way into Harte’s plans. A squad member told us:
“You should have seen McAliskey’s face. Everyone knows that if you’re flying in training Harte tends to pick you so McCurry took the cliche to a new level. To be fair to Conor, he latched onto another GAA saying and started kicking lumps out of Sean Cavanagh. Real lumps, like. Everyone knows that if a player is kicking lumps out of others in training then Harte knows he’s psyched up for the championship. Sean’s in a bad way though. Holes all over him.”
McCurry’s new approach saw him become a genuine target man for Mickey O’Neill’s kickouts as he won 20 out of 20 punts from the keeper, uncontested, though he was whistled for over-carrying every time. He was also blown out of Garvaghey towards the Ballygawley roundabout several times by high winds.
Reports suggest Harte was impressed by the lengths McCurry was prepared to go to but reminded the diminutive forward that Ricey McMenamin once gave 101% during training in 2008, verified by medical science through a GPS monitor strapped onto his back.
Niall Morgan’s attempt to ‘bust his balls’ in a last-ditch attempt to make his way onto the side unfortunately saw him in A&E overnight.
Clonoe Church Choir Told To Stop Singing In Their Accents By Parish Priest
Clonoe choir practising tonight
In what some worshippers are calling ‘a wee bit extreme’, Fr Franny Bay has ordered his choir to practise singing traditional hymns using standard received pronunciation and not in a local east Tyrone accent.
The move comes in the wake of a few high profile visitors to the parish from Rome and in anticipation of more in the coming months. Fr Bay, who attended speech and elocution lessons as a teenager and has been commended for his clear verbal skills on recent TV and radio appearances, has warned his choir that he’ll personally sack any singers who continue to use local pronunciation.
He added during his homily:
“That man from Rome can speak English better than me but he couldn’t make head nor tail of the singing. He even asked me if they were singing in Irish. I told him they were but heard my own confession as soon as he left. In ‘Take Our Bread, We Ask You‘ it’s not ‘tick air bread, wa ass ye‘. No wonder Fr Pablo was confused. I’ll be visiting your homes over the next week for spot-checks’.
Fr Bay extended his advice to the rest of the non-singing congregation, recommending they watch more shows on BBC1, especially the news or documentaries:
“When Fr Pablo reached the church this morning, an elderly parishioner who shall remain nameless shook his hand and asked him, ‘Do ye spake the english, Farr?’. The poor Father thought he’d arrived in South America or Africa. I’ll never get promoted to the bishopric if the Holy See come here to inspect me and are greeted by you lot. Buck up your ideas, people. An award for me is an award for you.”
Meanwhile, the Clonoe’s priests have thanked worshippers for last week’s collection of £788 which will go towards a well deserved holiday in Ibiza for the three of them.
Father’s Day Combined With Summer Solstice Sees Tyrone Men Even Lazier, For Longer
Strabane man, this morning
In a quirk of the calendar, June 21st 2015 sees Father’s Day fall on the day with the longest period of sunlight, leaving housewives across the county despondent at having to do absolutely everything around the house, as opposed to the usual 97%.
Dungannon woman and mother of 9 lively children, Lily Murphy, thought she’d witnessed it all until this morning:
“I ventured downstairs at 8 o’clock only to find Pat sitting at the kitchen table and our 5-year old shovelling Cheerios into his da’s mouth. Then, the 6-year old was using his hands to move Pat’s jaws up and down before tilting his head back to swallow. It was a savage display of laziness but today’s the day I can say nothing. He’s just sitting there and smirking and to make it worse, he’ll be like this til the sun goes down on the longest day.”
Across the county there are tales emerging of extreme cases of do-nothingness and lethargy over and beyond the norm. Clonoe 12pm Mass had to be delayed for half an hour after several families arrived late due to fathers refusing to drive the car, leaving non-driving mothers to shepherd their children up to four miles towards the church.
GAA matches have also been called off in many parts of the county with refereeing fathers refusing to blow their whistles or even running, leaving only 6 non-father officials able to take command of fixtures.
Meanwhile, police were called out to a house in Moortown this morning after a domestic argument spilled onto the main road. Neighbours reported shouting of ‘I’m mowing no fcukin lawn the day of all days’ as well as ‘every day’s a buckin father’s day to you. Thon lawn’s a jungle.‘
Clonoe Parish ‘Testicle Chair’ Gets First Outing
Clonoe Testicle Chair
After recent fears that women were entering the priesthood disguised as men, Clonoe Parish have confirmed that their first usage of the ‘Testicle Chair’ has been successful with the new priest confirmed as a fully-working male and therefore able to complete his duties.
The controversial chair, which has a large key-hole shape cut out in the seat, will now be put away in the Clonoe Parish safe until it is next needed. The identity of the testicle-checker remains a secret although it is rumoured to be a member of the Clonoe Parish Committee.
The priest in question, Fr Johnny Quinn who originally hails from the Duckingstool, admits he’s delighted that he passed the test at the first time of asking:
“After all the talk about women dressing up as men and entering Maynooth I understand why this measure was taken. Even though I know I am a man I was still nervous as the seat was rather cold and I was afraid that maybe everything wasn’t hanging as normal under the robe. Fortunately, the checker was thorough and I can do my duties.”
The Parish minutes for the meeting reveals that ‘at 5:33pm on Monday 18th May Fr Quinn was ratified as a male with the cry of “He’s got testicles. Praise the Lord” from the testicle checker who was dressed in a medieval garment whilst rummaging under the chair. The Testicle Chair will now be washed and stored until further notice.’
The Testicle Chair designer, Tommy Walsh from Derrylaughan, confirmed he received over 200 orders from various agencies since the successful first outing for his new 120-degree contraption. Walsh also revealed he will added a heated-seat option for the more sensitive user.
The parish have also advertised for more testicle checkers after Fr Quinn complained of the current checker of being a bit heavy handed.
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
‘Big Shot’ Clonoe Man Yet To Collect £26 Grand National Winnings
Man pretending to be Campbell
A Clonoe plasterer, who has been accused of acting the big shot by neighbours this week, has yet to claim his winnings from the Grand National after he put £1 straight on Many Clouds which won at 25-1 ten days ago.
Peader Campbell (37), who almost missed putting the bet on in time due to a failure to put his clock forward an hour two weeks before that, maintains he’ll pick up the £26 ‘some time in the future‘ as he wasn’t too bad for cash at the minute.
Neighbour and friend of the family Johnny Dooley explained how Campbell’s reluctance to claim his winnings hasn’t gone down well in the community:
“Who does he think he is? You see him out mowing the lawn and smirking to himself. I even saw him with a new jumper on him at Mass on Sunday and him still to collect the money from the bookies. He’s really rubbing our noses in it.”
Local bookmaker Declan O’Neill revealed he turns away up to a dozen Peader Campbell imposters a day who attempt to claim the money dressed like a plasterer or wearing a jumper similar to Campbell’s new one.
“Even his wife came in yesterday pretending to be her husband. He has 30 days to collect it so it’s only going to get worse. It’s great publicity all the same. I’ve already a banner up outside the shop saying ‘The Bookies Where Campbell Won £26’. “
Campbell has yet to reveal when he will collect the winnings. Rumours suggest he will buy a fish supper and Fanta Orange from Landi’s with the money and use the rest for general groceries.
Stiffer Laws On Daddy Pancake Tossing Called For After Series Of Disasters Across County
Pancake straight into face
Following 62 calls to emergency services since 8am this morning, there have been calls for a Pancake Tossing Bill in order to prevent excited fathers showing off and scalding half the family as well as causing irreparable damage to ceilings and tiles.
The South Tyrone Ambulance Services revealed they spent £300 on diesel today dealing with incidents with their first call-out a 8:01 calamity in Clonoe when plumber Caoimhim Taggart lost all his hair after excitedly tossing a boiling pancake with too much cooking oil on it on top of his head, burning what was once ‘a striking shock of ginger curls’ according to his laughing wife.
Local Independent politician Leo Kennedy confirmed he will bring this up in Stormont the next time he’s allowed to talk:
“I was called out to a house in Brocagh where a man refused to stop tossing even through he’s burned 9 holes in the ceiling. His 9 starving children were all crying and begging him to stop but the male ego is a forceful phenomenon. I think there should be a licence for men to toss pancakes, only granted after a 6-week intensive course.”
44 of the calls were for piping hot pancakes straight into the face.
Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday as the elderly call it, dates back to 1933 when the parish priest of Galbally Fr Johnson told parishioners he had a vision one night that God appeared to him to say that eating pancakes before Lent was a sure-fire way of entering the gates of heaven as long as you gave up something like cursing or winking at married women for the duration of the 40-day fasting period.
It later emerged that Fr Johnson was a shareholder in Irwin’s Bread.
What’s On Tyrone TV Over Christmas
CHRISTMAS EVE
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
CHRISTMAS DAY
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Armagh last July
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
P2 Pupil Awarded Certificate For Writing Humpty Dumpty Was An ‘Oul Bollix’
An oul bollix?
Educational authorities are to meet later this week to discuss an incident in a West Tyrone school after a 6-year old Strabane boy won Pupil of the Week certificate for his comprehension skills.
The Board will discuss whether or not to ratify ‘bollix’ as an acceptable addition to the Tyrone vernacular within the classroom, with many parents happy to see the term given official status.
The incident in question occurred after the P2 class at St Phillip’s Primary School in Strabane were given the Humpty Dumpty song lyrics, followed by the question ‘What do you think of Humpty Dumpty now?’
P2 teacher Master John McElhinihan is adamant he did the right thing in rewarding ‘he’s an oul bollix‘ with the full six marks out of six:
“I read and reread it and couldn’t find fault in the young lad’s answer. If Humpty Dumpty was sitting on a wall and couldn’t even manage that successfully, then he deserves all the abuse he gets. Young Johnny was just saying what we’ve always been thinking over the years. There’s a good chance the men and horses thought the same and didn’t try too hard to fix him back to his previous self.”
The Humpty Dumpty incident follows hot on the heels of Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew’s use of the same word recently, which was largely accepted as an excellent and accurate example of how to use it. Master McElhinihan added:
“Gildernew gave the word a bit of gravitas with her celebrity status. Everybody is using it now and even Fr Frances used it at Mass on Sunday to describe the divil. The only contentious issue is the spelling of it. That’s why the educational authorities need to meet as soon as possible to sort the whole issue out.”
However, GAA authorities are reportedly livid after Clonoe GAA club’s annual award ceremony included a ‘Bollix of the Year’ trophy.
Clonoe Cross-Community Cage Fighting Event A ‘Huge Success’, Say Organiser
Two Clonoe Women Go At It
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.
The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.
“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.
Participant Steve Lewis said,
“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”
McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.
“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.
McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Anger In Parts Of Tyrone Over Frank Mitchell’s UTV Weather Watchers Snub
The George Clooney of Ulster – Derrytresk hater?
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as
Coalisland this morning
the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.
Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.
All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.
The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.
Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.
More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.
“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”
With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.
The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
“Keep ‘er lit”, Misunderstanding Brings Rookie Clonoe Firefighter’s Career To A Close
A mix-up in communication at a Tyrone fire station on Tuesday night resulted in a three-storey building in the Moy being destroyed.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
New firefighter recruit, 18-year old Declan McClurg, was left in charge of the fire station in Urney on what was normally the quietest night of the week, but received a call-out to the Moy just minutes after his colleagues departed, leaving on his own to man the night shift.
Aye, it was just a wee misunderstanding, that’s all”, said McClurg philosophically, following the fire which caused an estimated £3m of damage. “Could happen to anybody. When the boys were headin’ off home they were shouting ‘keep ‘er lit’ on the way out, so when just ten minutes later I got the 999 call, I thought they meant to go along and keep an eye on the blaze, but not to do anything, or maybe throw on a few sticks. Some handlin’”.
The premises, McGlone Stores in King Street in the Moy, was completely destroyed, leaving the owner Cormac McGlone furious. “I turned up in a panic expecting to see Tyrone’s finest with the hoses out. What did I see but that eejit sitting with a big bag of Co-op marshmallows, toasting them on a stick. Fecker. Didn’t even offer me one”.
McClurg however was quick to offer up a defence. “How was I to know “keep ‘er lit”, is some fancy expression round the Moy? I’m from Clonoe. People should say what they mean. And anyway, them marshmallows was just a wee snack. I even missed my tea break because I was out watching the fire. Jays, you should have seen that thing go up. It was like the end of a James Bond movie. Deadly”.
McClurg, preparing to protect property
McClurg went on to offer his professional advice having completed three days on the job before getting sacked. “You have to be on your guard with fire, see. I dedicated my life to protecting property. Well, for three days anyway. Fire can catch you unawares. Just a few months back my brother-in-law’s bookies shop went on fire. Total write-off so it was. He must have been messin’ about at the time acting the lig, because he said it was an arsin’ claim. No idea how the fire started though. It’s a mystery”.
The fire service refused to comment, but said they had doubts from the start when they spotted McClurg in the station trying to slide up the fireman’s pole.
Fire Services Called After Clonoe Man Spends Entire Day In Size 32-Waist Trousers
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Clonoe was yesterday recovering after having spent the day close to permanent suffocation, brought on by putting on a pair of stone-washed slim-fit jeans he bought in 1986.
Standing in front of the mirror, 18-stone lorry mechanic Marty ‘Nimble’ Flanagan from Coole Road had insisted to girlfriend Shauna that ‘they fit as well as the day I bought them’, and spent the rest of the day becoming progressively more purple in the face as he refused to admit they were at least four sizes too small.
“Aye, if my face hadn’t been so purple it would have really red”, admitted Flanagan. “I didn’t want to back down after telling Shauna that I could still slip into a 32 waist trouser and to be honest it took me so long squeezing into the damn things that it would’ve taken another hour to get them off. It was like trying to squeeze a balloon into a box. Besides, once I was up on my feet I couldn’t really bend down”.
The problem was worsened by Flanagan going to Loughran’s Bar to show off his slender frame to friends, consuming six pints of Stella, and then finding himself unable to either unzip his flies or undo the button.
“Aye, poor Nimble”, said one of his friends, Sean Gallagher, also from Clonoe. “He looked like an enormous Ribena berry. Still, it’s his own fault. He’s acts like he’s at his fighting weight all the time, pretending he’s always at the health foods and salads and suchlike. Some chance. His idea of salad is a plate of cold chips, the clift”.
The fire service were duly called who had to use a pair of bolt cutters to remove the button from Flanagan’s trousers, which was under so much pressure that it shot off and demolished the entire row of optics behind the bar, followed by Flanagan breaking wind with such force that one of the firefighters was taken to Dungannon Hospital with a perforated eardrum.
Flanagan previously had a visit from the fire brigade in February of this year when he had to be removed from a ‘Frankie Says Relax’ t-shirt that he had purchased in 1984.
Tyrone Tribulations 