Category Archives: GAA
Excuses For Sick Leave Becoming More Preposterous As Council Worker Absenteeism Increases
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE 
Management at Dungannon & South Tyrone Borough Council fear an epidemic of sick workers following news last week that the council staff have an absenteeism rate amongst the highest in the 26 Councils in the North.
Head Councillor Liam O’Donoghue said,
“This has to stop. We’re far too lenient with staff with some of the daft excuses they’re coming up with. I fully intend to deal with the situation, firmly and decisively, just as soon as I get back to work after I bit my tongue last week. It’s really sore you know. I was off on Friday and I could scarcely concentrate on watching the entire Godfather trilogy. It was that bad. Ouch”.
Staff however have protested that the absences are legitimate, and that the Council should be more supportive.
Brian Guthrie, a red tape winder from Caledon said,
“I know I was off all day yesterday, but I tried to get out of bed and my duvet wouldn’t let me. It’s the truth. People think that they climb into bed and the duvet warms them up. Mine doesn’t. It’s the other buckin way around. It’s me that heats the duvet up, and the damn thing knows it full well. It would only let me go once the central heating came on. Narra escape boys, narra escape”.
Marty Murdock, from Galbally, was also off sick at the beginning of this week.
“I couldn’t face going to work on Monday. Jaysus, I had the tara sweats and my head was pounding. I won’t go into the detail but I was in trouble at both ends. I was in Tally’s for a few hours the night before and I think it might have been a bad salted peanut or something. That must have been it, because I didn’t eat anything else. Or I don’t think I did. To be honest I can’t remember a thing”.
Joe McSorley, a scribe from Edendork also had a sorry tale of woe.
“Killeeshil lost to Emyvale on Saturday night at the Junior Championship Final. Do you know how hard that can be to recover from? I couldn’t face it. No wonder I was off on Monday and Tuesday. It would be even worse if I was a fan or I actually liked football”.
Other reasons for staff not turning up at work include life-threatening paper cuts, sore hair, getting lost on the way to work, not being able to decide what to wear, and being kept captive inside their house by a swarm of midges.
UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation
UN forces ‘on the tear’
Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.
Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:
“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session. We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”
Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:
“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”
Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.
Remarkable Series Of Protests In Coalisland Between Psychic and Church
Coalisland hit the international news circuit this week when the cast and crew of Fr Ted found themselves caught up in a series of protests and counter protests in the town. The shenanigans revolves around the appearance of a well known psychic at the local theatre, Madame Rizzle, who has almost sold out a whistle-stop 4-day tour of the area.
Local worrier, Seamus McBonzo from Brackaville, explained the concern from one section of the community:
“It’s a load of balls, like. These people make stuff up and rip off the vulnerable who want to time travel after watching Dr Who or something. Sure I contacted the Madame herself and asked her to tell me who’d win the play-off between Newtownstewart and Derrytresk this weekend. She said Derrytresk would win by five goals to three. Con artist. I’m happy to announce that Fr Dougal Maguire from Fr Ted as well as some other real priests will be protesting on the night. Down with this sort of thing.”
Fans of the psychic world have also planned a counter protest at the same time outside the local church. Self-proclaimed medium Henry McCann from Annagher says he’ll be there with his placards too:
“Preying on the vulnerable? Explain to me the difference between our Madame and Fr Nolan telling the poor of the town to throw their last pennies into a basket, and then him buying a baste of a house, three Lithuanian maids, a Merc and a couple of holidays to Tenerife. Some con artists in that organisation. Sure I went to confessions last year and made the whole stuff up. He hadn’t a clue. Down with this sort of thing.”
McCann claims that he has secured the services of Fr Jack from the Channel 4 show to protest using the authentic banners from Fr Ted.
The Vatican confirmed they will be monitoring the situation closely using PSNI CCTV and will use reinforcements from Maynooth if there’s a ‘slappin session’ between the protests. Madame Rizzle predicts a peaceful evening.
Irish Government Leak Plans To Quarry ‘Whole Of Tyrone’
Tyrone in 2016?
Tyrone Tourism Officer Candy McClean has urged his office to drop the ‘Amongst The Bushes’ county slogan after a leaked document from Dublin revealed plans to immediately quarry the whole of Tyrone as soon as they have the authority to do so. The controversial plans, code-named ‘Dig Her Up 2016’, will see the entire population of Tyrone relocated to Fermanagh, Armagh, Donegal and Monaghan. Dissenters will be threatened with a move to Derry.
McClean admitted:
“Aye, it’s a bit of a disaster alright. Like, what do they expect to find in the east of the county? That’s just swampland. We’ll have to change our famous slogan as there’ll be no bushes at all in the new Tyrone. Maybe ‘Tyrone – It’s a Great Big Hole’. I used to be all on for a United Ireland til I heard this. Them Dublin ones are ruthless.”
Not all locals were completely against the potential digging session. Harry Askew from Eskra remained unfazed by the plans:
“My message to the rest of the county is dry yer eyes. Up here in Eskra they’ve been quarrying the dung outta us for years and sure we still won the Intermediate Championship. It’s been like this for us as well as Carrickmore, Drumnakilly, Mountfield, Greencastle, Mullaslin, Altamuskin and Altcloughfin for as long as we can remember. You get used to the vibration, dust, stoor, drilling sounds and all after a while.”
Askew denied that he was turning a blind eye to the mass upheaval because he owns the world’s largest quarrying equipment business.
Quarrying is expected to begin within days of a political handover. Senior Unionist politicians have privately admitted they’d reconsider their allegiance to the crown if it meant Tyrone and, in particularly McElduff, were totally excavated.
Monaghan Marathon Runner Rugby Tackled By Tyrone Spectator During Dublin Race
Artist impression of Dublin marathon
In what has been described as an unfortunate flashback of the Cavanagh/McManus incident highlighted on RTE by a manic Joe Brolly in August, an unlucky marathon runner from Clontibret was unceremoniously rugby tackled by a Moy spectator just five yards from the finishing line during the Dublin Marathon on Monday, preventing the runner from completing a personal best after his 9th attempt at breaking the four hour barrier.
Although police have refused to charge the Moy marauder, Bingo Hughes is adamant his assailant will pay for his moment of madness:
“I’ll get that boy in the long grass. Funnily enough I’d been thinking that this could happen throughout the whole run. Any time I saw a Tyrone jersey in the crowd I’d be cowering for fear he or she should leap at me without notice. But I didn’t think I’d be vulnerable after 25.9 miles and with a rake of stewards manning the final few yards.”
The tackler in question, Tam Jordan (55), admits the whole occasion got to him:
“To be honest I was just out doing a bit of window shopping looking for dungarees and stuff when I notice this marathon was on. So I watched a bit of it close to the finishing line and as soon as I saw this boy heading for the finishing tape with the Monaghan jersey on him I had this natural impulse to leap out of the crowd and drag the hoor down. I cannot explain it. Then I gave him a couple of digs in the ribs. Mad stuff altogether, like an out of body experience.”
Bingo has since contacted a Dungiven barrister who reportedly rubbed his hands and said something about his appearance fee in Tyrone talk nights doubling yet again.
Bingo Hughes’ official finishing time was 4 hrs and 1 second.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
New Radio Station ‘Tyrone FM’ Gets Off To Slow Start; Carrickmore Song Revealed
Boy George, he’s a Carmen man
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
County Tyrone’s newest radio station, Tyrone FM, got off to an uncertain start on Saturday after some prominent guests failed to show up.
Tyrone FM, which broadcasts on 189 Long Wave, received mixed feedback from those who bothered tuning in for the first broadcast on Saturday evening. Radio station owner, manager, broadcaster, presenter and DJ Duncan Hughes, said,
“We started off contacting the biggest names in showbiz, hoping we’d get at least one or two of them along. Philomena couldn’t make it, and neither could Mick Jagger, Madonna, or Bowie. By the time we got all the way through the list we ended up with Eoghan Quigg’s hairdresser which was a bit disappointing. And even she wanted twenty quid”.
Hughes was particularly disappointed about the no-show of one of Ireland’s biggest names.
“We faxed Bono on the Facebook and the Slabber and we didn’t get so much as a peep. I wanted him to do one of their big songs. Something like ‘Radio Gaga’ would have been perfect. Nothing. Who does think he is, a superstar or something? Next single of his isn’t getting played on this station. That’ll learn him”.
Listener Julie Bogue, an apple-corer from Aughabrack, said,
“Without being too unkind, it was dung from start to finish. It was advertised in the Dungannon Observer as a ‘mixture of repartee, music, and the very best in Tyrone banter’. All we got was Hughes complaining about the price of mince and the roadworks on the Ballygawley line”.
Standards fell even further when, in a seemingly desperate attempt to fill air time, Hughes turned up the volume on the TV in the studio and broadcast ‘Winning Streak’ for nearly an hour, followed by an old video recording of ‘George & Mildred’ from 1978.
‘I need to look at the format again”, admitted Hughes. “The on-air ‘Spot the Ball’ was maybe a bit misjudged and the radio version on ‘Galbally On Ice’ was a touch ambitious. Still, I don’t deserve the poundin’ I’ve taken. I’ll show them feckers. Ah’m tellin’ ye, I’m going to be one of the biggest names since Dave Lee Travis. He finished on the radio years ago and even today his name’s still on everyone’s lips. I’m going to be like that”, said a defiant Hughes.
Broadcasting continues this evening with the first airing of the equally disappointing Carrickmore’s song for the final ‘Carmen Chameleon’, the whole of which we can exclusively reveal below.
Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Chameleon
We score the goals, we score the goals
Penrose from Aghyaran and big Oz between the sticks
White, gold and green; white, gold and green
Repeat Again
Repeat Again
Repeat Again
Clonoe Song For Final ‘Not Deadly’ Says Louis Walsh
Definitely not Athenry
Louis Walsh has stunned the Clonoe community and in particular songwriter Packie Taggart after he publicly criticised their ‘Fields Of Old Clonoe’ on BBC Radio this morning, calling it ‘old-fashioned’, ‘dung’ and ‘a rip-off’. The recently penned song, written for their appearance in the Tyrone County Final this weekend, has been labelled suspiciously similar to the lyrics and sound of ‘The Fields Of Athenry’:
By the side of Tessie’s wall I heard Cassidy calling
Mickey Harte, you may stay away
For you stole McAliskey on me
You’ll not be getting young Paul Coney.
Now keep on drivin til you’re at the Washingbay.CHORUS
Low lie the fields of Old Clonoe
For we’re only about 5 miles from Ardboe
We used to have Prince McCabe
And big McClure with his hands like spades
We’ll be dancing when the cup is in Clonoe
Packie Taggart, 99-year old a retired livestock castrator, jumped to the defence of his song.
“It sounds nothing like Athenry. Sure that’s about a man stealing corn and being sent til Australia. My song is about the prospect of Harte stealing our lads to play for the county. No similarities at all. And the beauty of my song is that, unlike Athenry, I promote the majesty of Ardboe and Washingbay. This Louis Walsh boy can go buck himself.”
Walsh was critical of the subject matter as well as the fact that it is only two verses:
“The song will need to be played on loop as it’s over in 40 seconds. Also, was McClure really that big? In time, they’ll be saying he was 7 foot tall, wait til ye see. I heard he wasn’t deadly at shovelling or digging anyway.”
We’ll have full coverage tomorrow as Carrickmore release their song.
The Moy ‘Deadly Sad’ This Morning
The Moy, an hour ago
The Moy, a south-east Tyrone hamlet famous for being near Benburb, was this morning said to be in total depair after their senior football side were narrowly defeated by nine points in their semi-final yesterday. Only one local resident has ventured out of their house so far today to buy bread and stuff. She reportedly gave the fingers to a car that beeped at her, suspecting it to be an Eglish rapscallion.
Gregory Jordan, a 49 year old Far-East Christmas pantomime villain, reckons it’ll take a long time to get over this:
“This is worse than I dreaded it would be. We really thought this was the year. 1920. 19 buckin 20 was our last title. There’s a boy up the road there who says he remembers it. He’s in his 70s so it’s quite possible. He always says that in 1921 there was a curse put on the area by a witch doctor from Charlemont after an altercation between himself and the local PP over who wrote the words of ‘Blanket On The Ground’. I’m starting to believe in it. This is cat. I’d made 600 paper hats for the final with ‘The Moy Are Lethal’ on them. I’d say we’ll not recover from this til about 6pm or so.”
Local communities have since rallied around with supplies of spuds, joke books and toilet rolls delivered by the good people of Killyman on a big lorry. Donaghmore’s Malachi Cush has promised to take part in a ‘Cheer Up’ concert, committing himself to singing a rap version of the aforementioned ‘Blanket On The Ground’.
Susan McKearney, a 71-year old Gospel reader, acknowledged the goodwill gestures from neighbours:
“It’s very thoughtful. But it’ll take more than Cush rapping, Andrex Puppies and Kerr’s Pinks to get over those Carmen hoors’.
Moy PRO was unable to comment as he’s somewhere ‘on the continent’.
Grand Theft Auto Ardboe “Too Realistic” For Public Consumption
Grand Theft Auto, the controversial video game which sees players take on the role of criminals and work their way through the ranks within gangland warfare, has admitted that they made a grave error trying to replicate the trials and tribulations of the Ardboe Underground.
Early reports of French, Chinese and American teenagers taking weeks off school to recover after playing only three hours of GTA Ardboe has not gone down well with its executives and media watchdogs across the globe. Issues such as diesel laundering, poteen making, bru-dodging, eel-breeding and general codology has proven to be a step too far for hardcore gamers from Florida to Finland.
Francois LeMan, a 17-year old Parisian hardcore hood, found it hard to talk about his psychological condition:
“Sacre Bleu. These Ardboe ones are, how do you say it in Ireland, ‘mad hoors’. You breed mad deadly eels. I don’t play games any more. I’m off to Lourdes.”
Level two of GTA Ardboe, which sees the game-player indulge in tractor-diffing and stealing neighbour’s gates on Halloween night, was described by high ranking American officials as ‘complete mind-numbing depravity’. A spokesman for President Obama admitted:
“Yes, Barack did play it to see what the fuss was. He loved the ‘Slabberin At Moortown Ones’ level but thought the ‘Using Cooking Oil As Fuel’ task was too unrealistic.”
GTA Urney has also been discontinued because of its ‘Takin The Head Clane Off Strabane Sigerson Full Forwards’ level.
Derry Spy Thrown Out Of Garvaghey GAA Centre
Ballinderry native, Jake Bateson, was quietly bundled into the boot of a Ford Cortina and driven to a remote Sperrin location after being unveiled as a Derry spy making basic notes on the impressive new Tyrone sporting venue.
Officials were alerted to his presence after a series of unusual actions finally identified him as a rock solid Derry man, particularly from the loughshore. Garvaghey Centre chief bouncer Henry Harte explained:
“As soon as he walked in I was suspicious, like as if he was trying too hard. He was wearing a 1986 Tyrone top and kept shouting ‘there’s no London in Tyrone’. GAA president Liam O’Neill looked a bit startled. Then during the tour he kept taking photos of everything, even the toilets. It was all just a bit weird. There were a lot of important men in suits perturbed.”
Initial suspicions were confirmed as soon as the main dignitaries took to the stage during the official opening:
“We were keeping a close eye on him at this stage. Whereas other journalists were using laptops, this fellow took out a page and a red crayon. Then he produced an abacus and counted the number of speakers by moving a bead along. He was also facing the wrong way. Classic signs of a Derry native.”
On eviction, Bateson wept openly, claiming he was sent by ‘Men from Owenbeg’ and tried to cut a lock off Brian Dooher’s hair.
Croke Park Foil Tyrone Minor Skulduggery. Canavan Won’t Tog Out.
How he may have looked
A devious plan to introduce Peter Canavan as a second half substitute in the All-Ireland Minor Final was foiled this morning when the hairdresser in charge of managing hair implants on the aging ex-Errigal Ciaran forward spilled the beans during a random gossiping session during the haircut of an Irish Times journalist. Josh McCann, who has been a local hair expert since primary school, says he’s glad his conscience is now clean:
“I was approached by these three men wearing red and white balaclavas and they stuck me in the boot of the car, driving me to a ‘mysterious location’ they said. I had a fair idea they were bringing me to the Moy as there was a deadly stench of chickens and I could also see the ‘Welcome To Moy’ sign when I got out. They then said they’d pay me £100 if I made a bald man hairy again and to ‘make sure the hairstyle was fairly hip, like Tyrone hip’. I couldn’t turn down that enormous amount of money so I agreed eagerly.”
It wasn’t until the first hair replacement session that the shocking truth dawned on McCann:
“Well I set up shop anyways and didn’t I get a quare shock when Canavan hopped onto the chair. He didn’t speak and one of the men in the red and white balaclavas stood nearby, waving five £20 notes. I did the best I could and by the second session he looked like a 17-year old from Brocagh with the bobbed blonde highlights and all. He rolled back the years as he jinked his way out of the studio, locks flowing carelessly behind him. I nearly shed a tear. It was like watching Elvis one more time.”
Unfortunately, an Irish Times journalist caught wind of the scam after seeing an unidentified player at Tyrone’s media night put on a pair of slippers after training and then take a drag on a tobacco pipe when he got into his car. One visit to the only hairdresser in Ballygawley did the trick. McCann feels a weight lifted off his shoulders:
“To be honest I was panicking. What if the glue holding in the hair softened in the rain or the close-in camera caught his long nose hairs or bushy ears? There’s no way they’d believe it was Gary O’Neill from Brocagh. I would also like people to know I will not use the £100 for food and stuff but will instead stick it all on Mayo to win the game by 30 points.”
Tyrone play Mayo in the minor final this Sunday. Peter Canavan will be doing media work for various outlets wearing a monkey hat.
Council To Issue New Wheelie Bin Specifically For ‘Brolly-Related Materials’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed last night that they intend to issue a new wheelie bin to all rate payers, specifically to collect materials relating to Joe Brolly.
The bright red wheelie bin, already coined ‘the Brolly Trolley’, is being hurriedly distributed over the next few days in anticipation of another verbal tirade from the Under-12 manager and some-time RTE commentator at next weekend’s televised minor final against Mayo, Brolly’s last chance for another lambasting of Tyrone in 2013.
Refuse Department spokesman Sean McKenna said,
“There’s been a tara amount of stuff just dumped over the past month. On Monday, a 90-foot tall wicker man was found in Aughabrack with a wee plate of biscuits at the bottom and a sign saying ‘For Joe Brolly’, to entice him inside. These things have to be disposed of. Someone even dumped a 48-inch plasma in Parkanaur because Joe Brolly had appeared on it. People need to wise up. In the meantime, they’ll get a Brolly Trolley to put everything in”.
An increasing number of wax dolls have also been found dumped by the sides of roads throughout the county, with Omagh Arts College confirming that they have received record applications for their ‘Voodoo For Beginners’ classes.
“People were getting jabbed with all the needles falling out of the wax dolls and suchlike”, said McKenna. “Their wee wax faces were all sort of pinched and rodent-y lookin’, so we can only assume they’re of Joe Brolly. They’re a health hazard. They need to be safely disposed of”.
Council refuge workers also said they had seen a rise in the number of umbrellas being discarded because Tyrone supporters dislike the ‘brolly’ association, and there are reports of people nervously throwing away broccoli because of the possible connotations with the RTE commentator. However, there have been some positive developments with weekend fighting in places like Brackaville and the Washingbay having all but stopped. A spokesperson for the PSNI said,
“We’re always accusing these sorts of people of too much brawling, and we think they’ve got it confused with ‘Brolly-ing’. They’ve stopped in case people accuse them of siding with yer wild-eyed shouter off the TV”.
Unconfirmed rumours from Dublin confirmed that in case of another furious outburst from Brolly next Sunday, RTE pundits Pat Spillane and Colm O’Rourke have both requested Brolly Trolleys that they can use to hide in.
*TT would like to reveal that this will be the last Brolly-related post this year. We are over it.
Out And About – Reaction To Mayo Defeat
This morning we took a spin around the county and stopped anyone walking around fields or roads to ask their opinion of yesterday’s defeat to Mayo:
“Ah I didn’t really watch it. I was glued to Celebrity Big Brother live feed.”
PETER CAMPBELL (88) CLONOE
“To be honest I missed the whole thing. I got parked in Clonliffe College and opened the picnic the wife made me. 24 sandwiches, 4 packets of Kimberley Mikados, 3 flasks of tea, 5 Paris buns and a slap of potato salad. By the time I finished that lot off it was well into the second half.”
GEOFFREY MCELHINNY (56) STRABANE
“Disappointed. Himself will be in the house now every weekend with that big oul grumpy head on him watching cowboys films.”
MARY SCULLION (44) ARDBOE
“What did ye expect from a group of lads wearing bras. Bras! In my day the jersey was made out of aluminium and the chest would be scored off you. Not even red and white bras like”.
PETER MOSSEY (56) PLUMBRIDGE
“Maurice Deegan. Pure and simple. The bollocks could only point the one road. And Maurice isn’t the name of a good referee. You’d need a Pat or a Mick. Not Maurice.”
P O’NEILL (70) DERRYTRESK
“I blame Datsun Donaghy and that Cavanagh song. I had binoculars with me and swear I saw Sean humming that buckin song. It went til his head. Them binoculars are some job. Makes the TV seem really close.”
PADDY DONNELLY (38) DONAGHMORE
“That Greencastle girl who drove up Croagh Patrick scudded us.”
DANNY DEVLIN (36) GREENCASTLE
“Gingerism. Them Mayo ones are well known for their ginger discrimination. They targeted Peter Harte straight away. The poor wee ginger genius didn’t stand a chance. I saw them giving him dirty looks during the parade.”
RON MCGINN (51) DRUMQUIN
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
Row Brewing Over Tyrone’s Garvaghey Complex ‘Memory Cabinet’
Kevin McCabe – 1984
The previously smooth-running Garvaghey Complex has hit a major speed-bump after tempers frayed this evening during the unveiling of a new ‘Memory Cabinet’ in the west wing. Accusations of bias towards certain clubs almost resulted in blows being thrown with one man labelling the atmosphere ‘deadly like’.
Pat Carabine, a member of the Urney club, put across his impression of the whole handling:
“Why are there all these East Tyrone things in the cabinet? Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1984. Kevin McCabe’s moustache from 1986. Art McCrory’s monkey hat from 1986. Sure what did them boys ever win really? Why not John Lynch’s mullet? I’m told that McCabe did not donate his 1986 moustache at all and that what we’re looking at is Damien O’Hagan’s moustache from around the same time. The thing’s a farce”.
Francis Skeffington from Brackaville hit back, accusing West Tyrone of sour grapes:
“Them boys have had it too good for too long. I think the cabinet looks class and for me Sean McNally’s pants from the 1985 loss to Derry takes pride of place. It’s not all East Tyrone anyway. Aidan Skelton’s upside down handlebar moustache is there as well as a lump of Mikey Sheehy’s shoulder blade which was extracted by Noel McGinn in 86 whilst the ball was up the other end. They need to dry their eyes”.
The Garvaghey Complex Memory Cabinet Committee have rejected accusations of focusing mostly on moustaches, neglecting memorabilia such as medals, boots and jerseys:
“We just wanted to be different. There were some brilliant moustaches back then. Sean Donnelly, Mickey Mallon and then you have a few locks from Plunkett Donaghy’s majestic mop. Sure that’s what we all remember. We’re just disappointed Declan McCrossan didn’t donate his ’97 moustache to ease the West Tyrone accusations of bias”.
The Memory Cabinet is open at all times and punters are allowed to look at it for free for 10 mins with a £2 per min charge after that.
Tyrone Tribulations – 1 Year Old Today
Thank you to all readers and for the encouraging comments over the last 12 months.
Below are the top 10 news items in terms of views from the past year. We are approaching 300’000 visits from as far away as El Salvador, Uzbekistan and Drumragh.
2. https://tyronetribulations.com/2013/06/10/tyrone-counting-the-cost-of-a-warm-weekend/
4. https://tyronetribulations.com/2012/10/30/three-carrickmore-men-defy-storm-and-drink-on/
5. https://tyronetribulations.com/2013/06/15/stewartstown-labourer-sacked-for-having-fancy-sandwiches/
10. https://tyronetribulations.com/2013/07/11/bono-spotted-in-beragh-speculation-rife/
Remember you can still vote once a week for either of our stories on: http://www.blogawardsireland.com/category/best-blog-post-2/
Thanks a million again.
C’mon Tyrone. Yer on yer own.
Datsun Donaghy May Start For Tyrone Against Mayo
A fairytale story of epic Hollywood proportions has developed this week with the news that Datsun Donaghy, a fictitious character and the brainchild of bespectacled Donaghmare man Conor Grimes, may have forced his way into Mickey Harte’s plans for Sunday’s All-Ireland semi-final.
Datsun attended a county training session at Garvaghy at the weekend in order to promote his new single The Sean Cavanagh Song when a minor injury to a Tyrone forward left Harte with no option but to ask Donaghy to just ‘stand in the corner for ten minutes’. A Tyrone backroom member takes up the story:
“It was a stray ball by Peter Harte that started it. They players were told not to hit it to Donaghy as he might get hurt so Mickey was giving Peter some bollocksing. All of a sudden we saw this big arse shield the ball, a swivel, and the ball sailing over the bar like a Frank McGuigan special and Conor Gormley grasping at thin air. I swore I saw a tear trickle down Mickey’s cheek.”
Harte wanted to make sure it wasn’t a one-off.
“Mickey instructed his midfield to hit Datsun with the ball every time and the result was the same, the arse would extend out and over the bar. He had 4 men hanging out of him at one stage and none could handle that manoeuvre. We even got Joe McMahon to give him a few verbals about Donaghmore and family, but still the result was the same. That arse is the next big thing. I’d argue it’s more valuable than the Cavanagh Shimmy. In the course of an hour he scored 0-13 and only took 3 steps – talk about economical.”
It is reported that a couple of East Tyrone corner forwards on the panel are understandably unhappy with this development, pleading with Harte not to start a fictitious character over them.
In Mayo, a state of panic has been declared as Horan and his management team scour the county for a similar sized corner back.
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Tyrone Tribulations 