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Galbally to Finally Regulate Its Boxing Culture
By Mary Ann Jackson
Galbally 1944
There has been mixed reaction to the news that a new Boxing Club in Galbally is to open its fine facilities very shortly in a state of the art gym built by local volunteers.
Many “auld hands” in the area had expressed their opinion that the younger generation were “goin saft” before recalling with pride the many times they had engaged in the noble pugilist art bare-chested in the snow and the rain in the car parks of The Gap, Knocknamoe Hotel, along with the neighbouring Cookstown venues of the Glenavon and the Greenvale not to mention the bouts in the middle of the busy A5 at Garvaghey or the on the main Dublin Derry road at Main Street Emyvale.
Now after a number of very successful boxing nights in the local Community Centre, locals appear to have developed a “Grá” for the better conditions boxing under a roof and a surprising new attachment to rules and regulations.
One lady, who recently moved to Galbally under the impression it was a modern settlement full of metrosexual New Men, expressed surprise to learn that a Boxing Club was opening shortly, commenting:
“I thought the local lads were more into synchronised swimming and singing along to girly videos, going on what I’d been told.”
She later required medical intervention when it was explained to her that a few local lassies are also up for the fight.
Some Galbally men are not impressed that the local lads are to fight under the Queensbury rules, believing Stormont’s fingerprints are all over this. Founder Arthur Nugent confirmed that this was not the case.
Derryfubble Militia Launch “We Exist” Protest Campaign
This might be Derryfubble
Derryfubble, an undefined place somewhere near Benburb, have announced the commencement of violent protest against nearly every media outlet, including Tyrone Tribulations, until they start mentioning more news about the general Derryfubble area – starting from December 1st.
Carefully choosing the run up to Christmas for maximum disruption, the Derryfubble Militia revealed they have stockpiled an arsenal of weapons including ‘thick French bangers that’ll bang so hard your ears will be ringing for hours’ as well as hockey sticks and rotten vegetables.
Derryfubble, which is a sort of a townland but not quite, comes from the Irish Doire Fubble which suggests a family by the name of Fubble from Derry were evicted from their home, probably in the 1800s for rustling or in-breeding, and settled in a field on the outskirts of the more bustling Benburb. The only remaining Fubble in the phone-book resides in Limavady but he refused to answer our questions and threatened to shoot us if we mentioned that place again, his face twitching a lot.
Spokesman for the Derryfubble Militia added:
“We’re sick and tired of the media’s discrimination towards Derryfubble. Just last week a badger was run over on the Derryfubble Road and not a bit of it was reported on any news outlet. We scoured BBC, UTV, local papers and even Sky News and Al Jazeera. It’s like we’re the dirty secret of Tyrone. Sure we’re not even a category on your website. Well, one-by-one we’ll be hitting various outlets with the bangers and stuff until we see fair play. We exist!”
Benburb proprietor Johnny Jordan admitted he was at a loss as to who was in the Derryfubble Militia:
“I’ve lived here for 65 years and have driven up and down the Derryfubble Road every day but not once have I arrived in a place called Derryfubble. I haven’t a buckin clue where it actually is or who lives in it. They have an accordian band but even the players say they’re not Derryfubblians. It’s odd this altogether.”
In order to keep our part of the bargain, Tyrone Tribulations agreed to publish a poem that includes Derryfubble in it, by Paul Jennings:
BALLYBURBLING
Ballymackleduff, Derryfubble, Benburb – Address of subscriber in Northern Ireland Telephone Directory
I packed me bag and set me face towards Ballymackleduff;
White houses nestle there, all far from toil an’ trouble
(0 the lough an’ the sea birds, an’ sweet Derryfubble!).
I thought me heart would melt for joy, an’ nothin’ might disturb
The peace that I’d be findin’ in beautiful Benburb.
O, the friends of me youth was there to make me comin’ merry,
First I drank with Mick the Tanner just a mile from Fubblederry
An’ Roaring Pat was waitin’ in the bar at Mackleben.
‘Begod,’ says he, ‘have one with me’; three jolly Irish men
With all the pints o’ porter, the gossip an’ the cackle.
’Twas dancin’ in the road we was that goes to Berrymackle.
Then up spake Mick the Tanner that was born in Fubblemack:
‘The boys at Ballyfubble will be glad to see ye back –
Let’s be goin’ to O’Reilly’s, where the Fiddler of Benbally
An’ the Fubblederry Fluter is in his Dancin’ Palais
An’ the girls from Ferrymackle an’ from Bubblefurbyduff
Is doin’ all the jiggin’ an’ the rock-an’-rollin’ stuff.’
Ah, hadn’t we the time at all at Glubbymacklederry
With all the folk from Grabble an’ from Ballygubble ferry
An’ the lasses from Dubmackle, an’ the rantin’ Burble men,
An’ wilder came the music from the Fubblederry Flute
An’ Mick was drinking Guinness from the Widow Leary’s boot
There was laughter in the lamplight and kissin’ by the stars,
Ah, Ballymackleduff! Why did I stay away so long?
Mass Stampede In Beragh As Locals Misread Tombola Poster
Not many tickets sold after Ebola scare
The Sixmilecross Christian Society (SCS) have refused to apologise to 4000 Beragh residents who were spotted ‘running like mad’ towards Omagh after someone misread the SCS Tombola poster, thinking Ebola had finally arrived at the west Tyrone village.
The Tombola night, which this year was in aid of a proposed donkey sanctuary in Loughmacrory, was a resounding disaster as only nine punters turned up, winning on average 13 prizes each and generating only £23 for the project.
Meanwhile, Omagh Council have set about dismantling the makeshift aluminium buildings used to house the Beragh contingent over the weekend before the error was discovered. Beragh joiner, Candy McClean, told us:
“I was never so afeared. When word got about that Sixmilecross had caught the Ebola we just ran like hounds towards Omagh. It took a few hours of negotiations before they let us stay and I understand that. There’d be a few boys around Beragh who’d look a bit virusy even on a Sunday.”
It wasn’t until someone produced the Tyrone Democrat and spotted the Tombola advertisement for Sixmilecross that the penny finally dropped.
The Tyrone Health Organisation are to issue leaflets to all houses in the county, warning residents of evacuation procedures if the virus does hit Sixmilecross or anywhere else. Their 4-point plan is as follows:
- Don’t run like mad down the road. Head calmly for Derry or Armagh, preferably by foot or scooter/skateboard/flicker/roller-skates.
- Don’t be telling the Armagh or Derry ones why you have arrived for fear of retaliation.
- Bring sandwiches and tea for the journey. Jam sandwiches are not advised as they can attract flies.
- Keep spirits up by singing happy songs about emigration.
The THO also reminded people that there are no grants for Ebola-prevention house extensions.
Maths Teacher Cautioned Over Gruesome Sums
Mr McGrath toning it down a bit
A Cookstown mathematics teacher of 21 years experience has been cautioned by the Education Board after his unusual methods were reported by angry parents.
Barney McGrath, who was born in Ardboe but moved to Cookstown in 1979, defended his style, claiming he had already coached over 1000 pupils to success in O Level and GCSE Maths as well as Additional Maths.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to acquire a copy of the latest homework he set his class. It included:
If you beat the head clean off 6 Derry men and kicked the tripe out of 4 Armagh men, how many men have you hammered?
Another puzzled posed was:
You make 16 bottles of illegal alcohol but the cops arrive and confiscate them all. However, during a fake road block you set up and the ensuing bloody shoot-out involving you and the police, you manage to retrieve a quarter of your poitin. How many bottles have you now?
Parent Josie Mulligan admitted she called the Board after her son produced this latest homework:
“Our wee Eoin was having nightmares and wetting the bed. We couldn’t put our finger on what was causing it until he started calling out things like ‘the square root’ and random numbers during one of his episodes. It appears Mr McGrath was terrifying the youngsters with his horrific sums. The man’s a headcase.”
Mr McGrath (49) admitted his methods may be considered somewhat outdated in today’s society but claimed you could hear a pin drop during his lessons:
“People need to loosen up a bit. Maths is maths no matter how you dress it up. My classes are memorable. For example, today I brought in 16 of my wife’s bras and asked the lads to hold up three quarters of them. They’ll never forget that sum.”
His school, St Bruce’s Secondary, revealed he was suspended this afternoon after he set another homework which included:
During an important match between Ardboe and Moortown, 14 innocent Ardboe players received limb fractures, 4 Moortown players pretended to have broken noses and 3 of the officials were slashed by knife-wielding Moortown women. How many people went home unhappy?
Dick Welding Ltd Confident Of Securing Tyrone GAA Sponsorship Despite Fears
Dick, welding.
Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.
The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.
A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:
“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”
Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:
“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”
Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.
Less Than Half Of Eligible Tyrone Women Have Good Road Frontage
Artist’s impression of Tyrone 2040
A recent survey has predicted that Tyrone will be riddled with spinsters in 40 years after it revealed that only 43% of single women aged 18-45 in the county have good road frontage, an important factor in attracting Tyrone men.
Road frontage, where your land is bounded by a road and therefore ready for sale as sites for houses, was once a necessity for any girl looking for a hand in marriage in Ireland. This survey suggests the majority of women have either decided on a path of singledom or there has been a rise in lesbianism or religious orders.
29 year old Loughmacrory woman Jenny Wisdom explained her decision:
“I was aware of the road frontage rules but to be honest I want a man who likes me for me and not if there’s a good road with land on my site. Unfortunately the men around here aren’t as philosophical. I won Miss Wrangler Jeans here in 2009 so I have the looks but as soon as men hear I only have a garden in a housing estate they just make up some excuse and walk away. It’s demoralising.”
Pastor John McConville has warned women that they’ll be left on the scrapheap if they don’t start looking for appropriate land as soon as they finish schooling:
“The women have taken their eye off the ball. Here in my ministry I only married three couples last year. We’re losing out in important funds and the girls are looking at sitting in a rocking chair at 65, talking to themselves. Schools need to educate their female students on the importance of road frontage before Tyrone becomes a barren land as men head north to Derry.”
The survey also revealed a drop in corned beef dinners in favour of ready meals.
Moy Couple To Appear On Jeremy Kyle Over Theft Of Gypsy Creams
The source of the strife
Following the appearance of a Derry couple recently on The Jeremy Kyle Show over marital shenanigans, a Moy man and his wife are to go on the show to finally find out who has been secretly eating half a packet of Gypsy Creams after dinner every Sunday.
Colin MacKill, a high ranking official at the local GAA club, and his wife Sheila have been enjoying a blissful partnership apart from Sunday evenings when the Gypsy Cream fiasco kicks off every week without fail.
Sheila, who has been accepted onto one of Richard Branson’s space flights in the near future, is adamant the lie detector test is a waste of time:
“This is ridiculous. Colin goes out to the shed every Sunday at 6pm and comes back in with chocolate all over his face. All over his face! Even his teeth are brown for a couple of hours. Going on this show is madness. I know he’s eating the Gyspy Creams. How come he never is hungry then for a salad cream sandwich before bed?”
Colin, an avid one-mile runner, is steadfast on his reasons for going on the show:
“This needs to be sorted once and for all. She goes on about the shed thing but sure I’m just out oiling chains and stuff. Every time I come back in she’s chewing away in front of the TV and half a packet of the Gypsy Creams are gone. And she’s not chewing the cud as she says. This lie-detector test will settle it. Great publicity for The Moy too.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone couple will have appeared on Kyle’s show. In 2006, an Aughnacloy couple went on to prove who was passing wind and rifting during the night. A CCTV camera proved it was Mrs Gildernew.
Ballinderry On High Alert After Derry Championship Exit
This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials
UN peace-keeping troops are said to be gearing themselves for the worst after Derry prematurely exited the Championship after losing to Longford. Tensions in Ballinderry, which straddles Derry and Tyrone, were said to be simmering late last night with reports of smirking and winking from the Tyrone ones at a higher level than usual. UN officials have warned that they’ll blow up the bridge if it cuts up rough.
The parish, which survived a failed coup by Tyrone last year, has this morning been flooded with vans from news outlets across the globe incuding Sky, CNN and BBC. The Lord Mayor of Lough Neagh, Derryman Leo Salmon, has urged both sides to display a high level of maturity or at least wait until Louth play Tyrone next weekend:
“This time of the year is always tense, sometimes worse than the marching stuff. I witnessed myself the antagonistic activities of the Tyrone ones last night, pretending to be overly nice to the Derry ones in the bar and asking if they wanted a pint whilst smirking. They know what they’re at. If this continues into today it’s inevitable we’ll be dealing with a slapping session. It’s the first slap we need to prevent.”
Ballinderry man but Tyrone supporter Kevin McGurk is adamant there will be no trouble from his side:
“We feel their pain. We really do. I think we went out in June one time too. Back in 1955. “
he said walking off and laughing like a hyena.
Meanwhile, Louth GAA have revealed they sold 5000 jerseys online last night with the bulk of the sales coming from Dungiven, Loup, Swatragh and Bellaghy. This was very much in evidence this morning when reportedly 80% of the congregation at St Patrick’s Church in The Loup doned Louth jerseys during mass.
Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe cub yesterday
Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.
It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.
One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.
“Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”
He stammered on:
“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”
When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:
“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”
before darting off.
Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.
Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.
We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;
20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.
19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.
18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;
I wanna take you to Coalisland
And count the off-licences per man
And in the evening when the sun goes down
We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station
17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.
16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.
15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)
14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.
13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.
12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.
11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.
10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.
9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.
8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.
7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.
6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!
5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.
4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.
3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.
2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.
And of course topping the list
1. Ballyronan
Uproar As Kicking Tyres Removed From Car Mechanic Exam
Budding car mechanics across the county are currently reconsidering their career options as it emerged that the National Mechanic Exam Association have removed the final module named ‘Kicking Tyres’ from the examination, despite it being rated no.1 on the ‘How You Know a Good Mechanic’ Which? Magazine survey last year.
The controversial move, which has been described as bureaucracy gone mad, comes into effect at midnight tonight in counties Armagh, Derry and Tyrone. 68-year old mechanic Patsy Muldoon from The Rock maintains he is a lucky man to be leaving the profession and pities the young aspiring car enthusiasts of today:
“I saw this coming. In 2004 they banned car mechanics from tutting and shaking their heads before diagnosing a faulty motor. It was only a matter of time before tyre kicking got the road. See these decision makers – they’re nothing but a shower of goats. I’d doubt any would know a spark plug from a crankshaft. Or even where the engine is.”
Muldoon, who claims to have serviced over 46’000 cars including a 1933 Wolseley added:
“I’ve been kicking tyres since 1949. I know plenty of customers who admitted afterwards that when I started kicking the tyres it softened the blow of my astronomical job quotes as I clearly knew what I was doing. How can anyone trust a fresh mechanic again if the young ones are being told not to kick tyres? I can see the whole business going underground with unqualified mechanics who kick tyres getting all the work and good luck to them.”
Meanwhile, a Moortown driver has been blamed for a fleet of Ford Focus cars being wrongly recalled for a strange persistent rustling noise after he realised he had been sitting on a packet of Tayto which was under his cushion since November.
Derry To Hand Moneymore, Ballyronan And The Loup Over To Tyrone
By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)
Moneymore from a distance
There was great wailing and gnashing of what was left of teeth along both sides of the Derry/Tyrone border this week after an unauthorised and possibly nefarious offer was made by a Bann Valley based website to hand over large sections of the Barony of Loughinsholin to the custody of the O’Neill County.
The exchange would see the village of Moneymore, the hamlet of Ballyronan and an unidentified entity described simply as, ‘The Loup’, secede immediately without any local consultation or financial compensation. A spokesperson for the website concerned explained;
“Luxy, we see this as the beginning of a rolling process. A quick look (very quick look) at the Annals of Ulster clearly shows that the entire barony was originally under control of the Earls of Tyrone and this is borne out in the nomenclature we still see today. Take for example the village of Glenone, the townland of Ballyfrankiequinn and there is a fella in Maghera who is sometimes called, ‘Hugh Roe’.
The spokesman denied accusations linked to 30 year old emails which were forwarded anonymously to Tyrone Tribulations that the entire plan was an elaborate feint aimed at giving away large parts of County Derry until the only two Gaelic football teams left in the senior championship would be St. Oliver Plunkett’s of Greenlough and Newbuildings outfit, St. Oliver Cromwell’s GAC.
“That’s a big pile a shite, we would never give up Bellaghy and risk losing its two principal natural resources, Starry Plough flags and potential poetry.”
We contacted our own legal team on the matter and they have advised us that nothing in law prevents such a transferral but cautioned that under a un-repealed bylaw of 1741, any such conveyance of territory would result in both counties being obliged to hand over their ‘Cladys’ to a third party, namely Armagh. That county’s solicitors, Diesel, Apples and Diesel, issued the following communique;
“We would be only too delighted to accommodate these villages within our boundaries. They would be such diverse additions to our already cosmopolitan collective. Tyrone’s Clady is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county whereas Clady in south Derry is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county!”
Understandably the good people of Tyrone (and the inhabitants of The Brantry) were more than a little suspicious that this deal seemed too good to be true but we have been assured that there is no catch. Portglenone.wordpress.com explained;
“In making this offer, we have only one small request and that is that we first be allowed to make a tiny alteration to the coastline of Lough Neagh…….
…..seems reasonable.”
Parishioners Queuing Already For Sunday Mass In Strabane
Queue for bus in Ardboe
Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.
Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:
“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”
In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.
Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:
“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”
Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.
Irish Government Leak Plans To Quarry ‘Whole Of Tyrone’
Tyrone in 2016?
Tyrone Tourism Officer Candy McClean has urged his office to drop the ‘Amongst The Bushes’ county slogan after a leaked document from Dublin revealed plans to immediately quarry the whole of Tyrone as soon as they have the authority to do so. The controversial plans, code-named ‘Dig Her Up 2016’, will see the entire population of Tyrone relocated to Fermanagh, Armagh, Donegal and Monaghan. Dissenters will be threatened with a move to Derry.
McClean admitted:
“Aye, it’s a bit of a disaster alright. Like, what do they expect to find in the east of the county? That’s just swampland. We’ll have to change our famous slogan as there’ll be no bushes at all in the new Tyrone. Maybe ‘Tyrone – It’s a Great Big Hole’. I used to be all on for a United Ireland til I heard this. Them Dublin ones are ruthless.”
Not all locals were completely against the potential digging session. Harry Askew from Eskra remained unfazed by the plans:
“My message to the rest of the county is dry yer eyes. Up here in Eskra they’ve been quarrying the dung outta us for years and sure we still won the Intermediate Championship. It’s been like this for us as well as Carrickmore, Drumnakilly, Mountfield, Greencastle, Mullaslin, Altamuskin and Altcloughfin for as long as we can remember. You get used to the vibration, dust, stoor, drilling sounds and all after a while.”
Askew denied that he was turning a blind eye to the mass upheaval because he owns the world’s largest quarrying equipment business.
Quarrying is expected to begin within days of a political handover. Senior Unionist politicians have privately admitted they’d reconsider their allegiance to the crown if it meant Tyrone and, in particularly McElduff, were totally excavated.
Derry Spy Thrown Out Of Garvaghey GAA Centre
Ballinderry native, Jake Bateson, was quietly bundled into the boot of a Ford Cortina and driven to a remote Sperrin location after being unveiled as a Derry spy making basic notes on the impressive new Tyrone sporting venue.
Officials were alerted to his presence after a series of unusual actions finally identified him as a rock solid Derry man, particularly from the loughshore. Garvaghey Centre chief bouncer Henry Harte explained:
“As soon as he walked in I was suspicious, like as if he was trying too hard. He was wearing a 1986 Tyrone top and kept shouting ‘there’s no London in Tyrone’. GAA president Liam O’Neill looked a bit startled. Then during the tour he kept taking photos of everything, even the toilets. It was all just a bit weird. There were a lot of important men in suits perturbed.”
Initial suspicions were confirmed as soon as the main dignitaries took to the stage during the official opening:
“We were keeping a close eye on him at this stage. Whereas other journalists were using laptops, this fellow took out a page and a red crayon. Then he produced an abacus and counted the number of speakers by moving a bead along. He was also facing the wrong way. Classic signs of a Derry native.”
On eviction, Bateson wept openly, claiming he was sent by ‘Men from Owenbeg’ and tried to cut a lock off Brian Dooher’s hair.
Derrytresk Man Refuses To Come Home From Fleadh
McGarrell tries his hand at bigger whistle
A Derrytresk musician is refusing to return home from this year’s All Ireland Fleadh in Derry, claiming it is deadly craic and far better than stooling turf or dunging out the yard back on the loughshore. Despite the Fleadh having officially ended over a week ago, Jim McGarrell (44) – a tin whistling fanatic – has remained on the pavement sitting on a stool playing songs such as ‘Roddy McCorley’ and ‘Eamonn an Chnoic’ to puzzled locals. McGarrell’s long suffering wife Cathy told us:
“To be honest I’m getting a wee bit annoyed now. He has been up there for two weeks now and sure everyone is away back to work. I know exactly why he’s still there – free drink. But sure people now just think he’s begging and are throwing him coppers. The free drink is only given to musicians during the damn thing. Not after it’s over.”
McGarrell took up the whistle three weeks ago after seeing a boy on TG4 playing ‘Boolavogue’ and had the tune learned off in 24 hours, labelling himself some kind of mature musical maestro. Cathy disagreed:
“Jaysus you should hear him. It’s like buck cats fighting. The three weeins here usually end up bawling.”
Jim has revealed his intention to stay on another while, or until the money runs out:
“People say I should be at home with the family but sure I’m having a deadly time here. The locals can’t get enough. They’re even firing coppers at me now, literally. They’re always asking for a rendition of “Go Home Ye Bum” but I don’t know that one so I play “Sally Gardens” to keep them happy and they start firing coins again. Very generous people in Derry.”
Meanwhile, the Derrytresk Traditional Music Group have denied repeatedly texting McGarrell, telling him that he’s a Youtube sensation and ‘doing a great job’ in order to keep him up there.
Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin
The lesser-spotted Derry wans
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.
Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:
“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”
Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:
“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.
Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.
60% of Tyrone Children Suffering From Recurring ‘Brollymares’
Artist’s impression of Brollymare
It has emerged today that 3 in every 5 children in Tyrone today have nightmares about Joe Brolly, ranging from demonic chases across ramparts to receiving severe criticism of their drawings at school. ‘Brollymares’ have been on the rise this week after last Saturday’s torrent of abuse on everything red handed by the bespectacled U12 manager. Gortin GFC have set up a hotline for anyone suffering from Brollymares whilst local pharmacies in Beragh have reported an increased demand for strong sleeping medicine.
A 12-year-old fisherman from Ardboe told us:
“Jaysus boys it’s tara. Ghost oh like, I dreamt last night that he was my headmaster and he was dishing out all sorts of lines and slaps for wee things like blinking too often or sneezing. He kept saying pupils in Derry were smarter. It was like Simon Cowell only multiply that by probably a million. I dread sleeping now in case I have another Brollymare.”
Eskra woman Jenny McGarrell explained the catastrophic effects of the recent epidemic:
“You’d think every house in the area had the bubonic plague or something. I stood outside last night around 3am and the screams could be heard from every house at 5 mins intervals. Children are just traumatised with the whole shenanigans”.
Doctors have issued instructions for worried parents to read traditional horror stories like Dracula at night to their children to take their minds off the dastardly Dungiven demon.
Meanwhile there were angry scenes in Brackaville last night after a lifetime ban was placed on Brolly from ever setting foot in the parish by the village council. Local businessman Ray Campbell has offered £10’000 for the first person to catch Joe on Brackaville territory. An Icelandic exchange student who looked a bit like Brolly was released this morning having been held and tortured for three hours. His inability to speak or understand English finally stood in his favour.
Councillor Denies That Florida Visit To Consider Importing Bog Is A ‘Jolly’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Eyebrows were raised yesterday in the county over leaked plans for one of its councillors to visit Florida as part of a fact find on behalf of East Tyrone District Council.
Copy travel documents showed that recently-elected mid-Ulster Councillor Seamie ‘Red Boy’ McCloy, intends to spend three weeks in Florida next month at a cost of £8,500 at the taxpayer’s expense, conducting a feasibility study on importing bog and peat back to Tyrone rather than producing it locally.
Challenged on the abundance of it which already sits in the county, McCloy retorted,
“Jaysus. That’s the whole point of the visit, isn’t it? How do we know whether it’s feasible without going to see it? We need a bird’s eye view of the area to assess potential for excavation. And if the best way of doing that is from the top of a 300-foot high mega-rollercoaster, then that’s just pure coincidence. Getting bog from America might actually be cheaper than producing it locally. Or something like that”.
The colourful councillor has continually courted controversy since making the headlines in 2012 when he was found in the ladies’ cloakroom of the Council offices wearing an odd number of socks. He has since been embroiled in an embarrassing incident at a farm near Windmill which he claimed was simply him ‘being overly-friendly with a labrador’.
McCloy, aghast at accusations
“It’s all nonsense”, said an angry McCloy, thumping his desk so hard that several bottles of suntan lotion fell off. “And anyway, the judge ruled not proven, so go and feck. I’ve dedicated my life to Tyrone, trying to raise it up to the standards of the nice Ulster counties like Derry, Sligo, Monaghan and suchlike. That’s why I need to go to Florida for three weeks. Or four depending on the complexities. And the weather”.
Questioned about whether the Galbally man was going on the trip to get away from the controversy around some of the decisions he has made since moving into office, McCloy was uncompromising. Wearing an enormous foam hand and jabbing the big sticky-out finger to make his point, he said,
“Listen. Do you think sat in a jumbo for 8 hours is going to be fun? The only movie they’re showing is ‘Les Miserables’, and I can’t stand the Germans. I’ve made mistakes in the past. I’ll admit it. But all I’m trying to do is modernise the county. And if ‘Naked Tuesday’ is a wee bit too much for some of thon puritans in the East Tyrone Council offices, then they should wise up. The Florida trip is pure business, nothing else. I’m certainly not looking forward to it. I’ve got a mountain of work to do. And I’ve only got three sleeps to go before I leave”.
The councillor also faced criticism earlier this year for going to New York City on 17 March to explore the possibility of the importation of Guinness to the county.
Civil War Unavoidable As Tyrone Lay Claim To Ballinderry Outright
Tyrone champions 2014?
Tensions are running high tonight in Ballinderry after a leaked document from the ‘maps department’ at Stormont indicates that Ballinderry will now be considered wholly in Tyrone, starting from August 1st, after a re-alignment of the Ballinderry River.
The Ballinderry parish has long straddled the Tyrone border with the sizeable Ballylifford village until now claimed as being on the Derry side with Derrychrin, a much more civilised community, on the Tyrone side. The Ballinderry River was seen as the natural geographical border but that is about to change with the proposed new route for the river. A Tyrone county council spokesman told us:
“If the rumours are true, then this is class news. Everyone knows that the best looking women at the Greenvale come from the Derry side of the river. Our parents didn’t allow us to fraternize with them for obvious reasons. More importantly, Ballinderry’s All-Ireland title in 2002 is now on our records. We will be parading that team around Omagh tomorrow week. I also believe they won 12 Derry titles. Those sides will now play our champions for that same year. The 1927 fixture will be hard to fix up against Donaghmore Eire ogs.”
Not all welcomed the news with such good humour. An elderly local, named simply as “McGuckin”, reacted angrily:
“Balls to this. We won’t go down without a fight. We used to bate the shite out of them Moortown and Ardboe ones on the field. We’ll do the same on our doorsteps when they come for us. We’ll lay waste to the land as a last resort. There’s no way I’m shouting for the red arses next year. Yiz can take Derrychrin but we’ll be Oak Leafers til the deathbed.”
The PSNI have issued a warning to anyone resisting the swtichover that they will be dealt with severely. On August 2nd, houses north of the river will be searched and any pictures of Dana, Seamus Heaney, Henry Downey, Enda Muldoon or Conleith Gilligan will be destroyed. Small statues of Frank McGuigan and Chris Lawn have been sent to all households in the present Derry region of the parish to help them acclimatise to the new changes. The whole of Lissan might be given to Derry as a thank you.
Tyrone Tribulations 