Category Archives: Dungannon
Father’s Day Combined With Summer Solstice Sees Tyrone Men Even Lazier, For Longer
Strabane man, this morning
In a quirk of the calendar, June 21st 2015 sees Father’s Day fall on the day with the longest period of sunlight, leaving housewives across the county despondent at having to do absolutely everything around the house, as opposed to the usual 97%.
Dungannon woman and mother of 9 lively children, Lily Murphy, thought she’d witnessed it all until this morning:
“I ventured downstairs at 8 o’clock only to find Pat sitting at the kitchen table and our 5-year old shovelling Cheerios into his da’s mouth. Then, the 6-year old was using his hands to move Pat’s jaws up and down before tilting his head back to swallow. It was a savage display of laziness but today’s the day I can say nothing. He’s just sitting there and smirking and to make it worse, he’ll be like this til the sun goes down on the longest day.”
Across the county there are tales emerging of extreme cases of do-nothingness and lethargy over and beyond the norm. Clonoe 12pm Mass had to be delayed for half an hour after several families arrived late due to fathers refusing to drive the car, leaving non-driving mothers to shepherd their children up to four miles towards the church.
GAA matches have also been called off in many parts of the county with refereeing fathers refusing to blow their whistles or even running, leaving only 6 non-father officials able to take command of fixtures.
Meanwhile, police were called out to a house in Moortown this morning after a domestic argument spilled onto the main road. Neighbours reported shouting of ‘I’m mowing no fcukin lawn the day of all days’ as well as ‘every day’s a buckin father’s day to you. Thon lawn’s a jungle.‘
Tyrone Business Women In Demand For Non-Crying Abilities
Killyman woman
After recent controversial comments by self-confessed chauvinist and Nobel laureate Tim Hunt who stated that “three things happen when they (women) are in the lab … You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticise them, they cry“, businesses across the world have panicked regardless and started hiring Tyrone women who still retain their reputation for not crying at all, even when watching The Lion King.
Apple, Orange and Sony vans have been spotted several times over the weekend driving about roads in Omagh, Strabane and Dungannon looking for women in suits to drive their businesses to the next level.
Maire McGrane, a 27-year-old biochemistry graduate from Castlecaulfield, revealed she had received 16 offers from as far as China and Wicklow by worried directors ever since Tim Hunt’s remarks:
“I haven’t cried since 2005 and even that was only because I was kicked in the gut by a bull I was castrating. You only have to go out in Dungannon any Saturday night and you’ll see piles of lads crying over football results or being ugly whilst the wemen kick the tripe out of those who are not. I don’t know what this bollocks Hunt is talking about.”
Chinese technological giant Yamahoohoo have made inquiries into whether or not an airport can be built in Coalisland to ferry women across to run their burgeoning corporation.
McGrane warned Chinese men that they’ll not be falling in love as easy as Hunt maintains:
“If I like ye, it’s because you can stick one over the black spot from 50 metres out on your left foot or you can dung out a yard in under an hour. None of that oul love shite.”
Invest Ireland are looking into ways to keeping Irish women in Ireland, with their poetic spokesman adding ‘if this place is run by men, then it’s economic lights out for the motherland of old Erin.”
Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun
Coalisland, Tuesday
Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.
Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.
Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:
“I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”
Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.
Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.
Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.
PSNI To Blow £14m Underspend On Easter Blow-Out Including Wolfe Tones Concert
PSNI practice for fancy dress disco
Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.
Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.
A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.
Purchases already made includes:
- 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
- 2950 crates of Coors Lite
- 1460 crates of Bitter
- Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
- 6 bouncy castles
- A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
- 1400 new batons
- 2400 new face shields
- 13 water canons from Mexico
- 54 new hair dryers for speed detection
£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.
A high-ranking PSNI official added:
“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”
The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.
Tyrone Refused To Recognise Solar Eclipse
No viewers in Drumquin
Despite total media saturation in the preceding weeks, reports confirmed that all of Tyrone refused to recognise the celestial phenomenon of the solar eclipse, with 100% of its inhabitants going about their daily business without looking up or even talking about it.
Journalists from BBC, Sky and UTV were said to be disappointed after being despatched to various vantage points in the county only to be chased for ‘meddlin in things that no good will come from’ and with ‘there’s no money in that dung’ ringing in their ears.
Despite worries earlier in the week of possible pagan stirrings, the county proved to be a eclipse-free zone with schools and businesses issuing sanctions against anyone wishing to view the astronomical freak show.
Gareth Kenny, a 9-year old primary school pupil from St Ronan’s in Omagh, was clear as to why his school didn’t participate in the excitement:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite”
Dungannon, whose hill is a prime spot for viewing skyward events, was populated at full eclipse by three women and three dogs, who of whom were mating. When questioned on the lack of recognition of the sun/moon dance, one of the women explained:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite.”
At 9:31 am the clouds parted to show a full view of the 94% eclipse, despite predictions of a clouded non-event. A Sky News 24 reporter in The Moy described how the whole event passed off without recognition:
“This glorious occasion, with lighting considerably dulled and birds retreating in silence as well as a noticeable drop in temperature, went unnoticed in the sleepy hamlet of Moy. I heard one man, who was spitting furiously into a drain, exclaim ‘it’s dark, boys’ before giving a passer-by the 2 fingers.”
Meanwhile, Owen Mulligan confirmed his ‘full moon’ backside baring competition in Mulligan’s Bar on the same day was a raging success.
School GAA Match Abandoned After All Players Refuse To Cross Halfway In Full-On Double Duvet Tactics
Ridiculous attacking move from Cavanagh
Tactics in modern football were further under scrutiny today after an U14 school’s game between Dungannon and Omagh was blown up on 15 minutes after it became clear that neither side were allowed to cross the half way line by their respective coaches.
The abandonment of the game follows on from the news last week that many under-age managers were using leather straps and branches as threats if their players attacked without prior negotiations.
Describing the game as ‘farcical’ and ‘not blanket but double-duvet defence’, Irish News reporter Kenny Arrow detailed in his report how one player from the Omagh side paid for an innocent indiscretion:
“….On five minutes the Omagh no.14 accidentally stepped over the half way line after receiving a poor fisted pass from his captain. His manager let him know on no uncertain terms that he would be dropped from the panel if it happened again and not to be so cheeky in future. He was subbed immediately.”
Nine kicks were executed during the 15 minutes of play as both teams attempted to score points from their own 45m line, with the ball usually dropping somewhere around their opponent’s 45m line.
Arrow described how the game ended:
“Given their small stature and limited leg power, as well as both managers’ insistence that no one broke ranks, it became obvious to the ref that this was going to end 0-0 to 0-0 so he called for the ball. Both sets of players seemed happy enough to take the draw and a replay is pencilled in for Friday evening.”
An emergency meeting has been hastily arranged tonight at Garvaghey to discuss the standard of football in the county. Attack-minded thinkers have been told to stay away.
Generous Euromillions Winner Buys Everyone In Pub A Drink
McNeill and stranger spend winnings
Multi-lingual stove-fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer has been labelled a modern day Santa Claus after he treated a Dungannon bar to a round of drinks after finding out during his lunch in McFinn’s Pub that he’d won £5 on the Euromillion Lottery.
McNeill, who has been nominated for Tyrone Man of the Year because of the gesture, maintains anyone else would have done the same:
“I was just overcome with emotion. There was just myself and another lad in the bar at the time so I bought a Coke and he wanted a Sprite Zero. I got £3.20 change as well so I was able to bring home 6 packets of McCoy’s Beef Crisps for the wife and kids. I’m just that sort of guy. My da always says you can’t take your money to the grave.”
Dungannon Lord Mayor Arthur McGuinness reckons the story of McNeill’s generosity will be spoken about for years to come and might even rival that of the nativity itself:
“For a man from Drummurrer to come to Dungannon and fit stoves is great in itself. For a man to come from Drummurrer and spend his Euromillion winnings in a bar in Dungannon is just something that warms your heart. There’ll be a film about this yet.”
Although McNeill appreciates the good wishes as well as his nomination for Man of the Year, he added that anyone else attempting to tap him up will be shot.
His winning numbers were 1, 2 and 4.
Elated Man (69) Finds A Car Parking Space In Dungannon
The new parking system
A delighted Loughshore pensioner has described his elation at find a parking space in the newly revamped Dungannon Square after circling for 4 hours solid on Wednesday morning.
Philly O’Neill, who visits Dungannon weekly to collect his pension but last claimed a parking space in August, claimed he almost passed out with excitement and needed to rest for half an hour, taking up half of his allocated parking time. Sipping celebratory champagne, he told us:
“It was a great feeling. For four months I’ve circled and failed, returning home with nothing but an empty tank. In October I nearly got a space but was told to ‘move on to feck’ by a woman who was standing in it holding a hammer, waiting for her friend I think. I’d racked up nearly £3000 in pension money so it was a great bonus to get it all at once.”
O’Neill’s stroke of luck follows a series of negative publicity over the new town square layout, with hundreds of non-shoppers flocking to Dungannon on foot to watch motorists battle with the new lights system and parking arrangements. Local confection store owner Leo Morgan revealed he sells 400 units of popcorn a week to pedestrians who make their way to the town to view the carnage:
“It’s like a freak show. People are circling for hours, getting more irate and dangerously dizzy. In all the manic confusion, drivers begin stopping at lights that don’t exist and driving through those that do. We counted an average of seven fist fights a day and a man fired a gun last week at someone who waiting for someone to reverse out of a space. I even saw two sisters batter a man of the Church with spanners and wrenches. Deadly crack altogether.”
Shoppers have responded to the news that shop owners are parking in the best spaces by driving over their cars using planks and monster truck wheels.
Half Of East Tyrone On Stress Medication Due To Multiple Bin Situation
Minor skirmishes have been breaking out all over East Tyrone following the introduction of two more bins, a brown and a yellow one, to add to the black, blue and orange bins already in use in most households. Several bin men admitted they don’t feel safe as house-owners wait behind hedges and trees in order to pounce if their bin is not collected whether it was meant to be or not.
The Dungannon and South Tyrone Borough Council have also come under criticism for the recent series of bins introduced which, when added to the under-the-sink bins, means all homes have 9 different bins with varying shades of colours.
Housewife Peggy Muldoon from Aughamullan explained:
“You’d nearly be happy with no bin at all. We were told not to put the stuff we’d normally put in the black into the black bin but put it in the brown bin. Now we have to put things you can’t eat into the black bin. But, like, I don’t eat teabags and I put them in the black bin yet the man refused to collect it as his bin x-ray machine said it could see a tea bag in my black bin. He says it goes in the orange bin and not the brown bin because you can’t eat it but you can suck it. The black bin is for hard things you can’t consume or nappies. Sheer madness.”
The new yellow bin as been added to homes for ‘things that you can bend but not eat, suck or break’. The blue bin is now to be used for newspapers and magazines, as long as neither exceed 78 pages when they can be placed in the black bin.
Added to the five outdoor bins, four bins (or caddies) have been given to households to place under the sink – blue, orange, green and purple. Muldoon added:
“Six people on our road had kitchen extensions in order to cater for the four under-the-sink bins. The purple one is the most confusing as it is for meat that doesn’t from from animals with four limbs. My mother is on 4 Prozac a day in case she puts out the wrong bin as the bin men have been getting angrier if the wrong bin is left out. They kicked the shit out of my brother last week for putting a pig’s trotter in the blue bin.”
Brackaville punters have a more intricate situation with two more bins for animal and human excrement.
Panic Subsides As Man Lost In The Bush Is Found In Filling Station Near Coalisland
The Bush
Despite fears for his safety, an Edendork man who had been lost in The Bush since Monday (yesterday) was found today merrily eating a sausage roll inside a filling station on the outskirts of Coalisland.
The good news mirrors another story emanating from Australia last week when a woman also emerged from the bush after being lost for over two weeks, although it is said that Tyrone’s Bush is much more hazardous than the Australian one.
Patsy Farrell, a computer user from Edendork, got lost in The Bush after heading out to get some veda bread and a packet of dishwasher tablets:
“Eff me, I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I took a wrong turn at the Mullaghteige Road near Mulmuf’s exhaust silencer shop and ended up parked on the side of the road as there’s no signal there and the GPS woman was telling me I was in Dungannon, which I wasn’t. I just kept still til someone found me and survived on Polo Mints and water. It was touch and go.”
Farrell went on to explain what he experienced during the ordeal:
“The noises at night time scared me. You’d hear whistles and yahooing and men shouting ‘come here ye blade ye’ in fields and women laughing and giggling and saying ‘will ye quit, he’ll be home soon’ and other stuff like that. It was like something out of a Spielberg movie. I was just glad to see light and thanked God that he’d given me another day. The milkman stopped and gave me directions back to Edendork which I headed to after a sausage roll in Coalisland.”
Farrell promises to write about his experiences in The Bush and BBC are looking to serialise it with Colin Farrell (no relation) reportedly eager to take up the lead role.
Tyrone Wedding Singer Narrowly Fails To Sabotage Clooney Marriage Ceremony
Clooney winces at song choice
A local wedding singer, who was chosen to perform at George Clooney’s wedding to Amal Alamuddin in Venice, has been roundly criticised by guests for trying to create a bit of tension between the pair.
Susan McCray, a singer and harp player from Dungannon, was Clooney’s musician of choice after he saw her on the side of the road in Boston trying to busk her fare back to Ireland in 2011. Onlookers looked decidedly uncomfortable after McCray began with an off-the-cuff number when Alamuddin sauntered up the aisle. Celebrity guest Mary Carey told us:
“Yes, it was a bit awkward. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division is a fine song but not really a mood setter at that point in the ceremony. I’m told that it was meant to be You Are So Beautiful by Joe Cocker so there’s a bit of a difference there. This woman is trouble.”
McCray upped the stakes during a lull in proceedings by belting out a stirring rendition of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette which apparently drew applause from three other women in the congregation. Fearing a revolution amongst his guests, Clooney told his singer to just play an instrumental piece as the ceremony ended. One source informed us:
“It started as a religious sort of song then she burst into Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths whilst drinking from a small bottle of buckfast. The lyrics “I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m mierable now” never felt as poignant. It was rather emotional.”
McCray was later arrested by Italian police for urinating on a plant outside the church.
Customers Told To ‘Quit Moaning’ After Sandwich Bar Runs Out Of Bread
Man struggles with invisible sandwich
A Dungannon sandwich bar has threatened to close up and move somewhere else, blaming locals for being ‘deadly whingers’ after they received 413 complaints in a week for not having any bread.
Customers were seen leaving Campbell’s Sandwich Bar shaking their heads and holding their tuna fillings or egg and onion mix in a small clear plastic bag. Campbell’s told customers it would be another week before they’d get the time to buy bread from the shops and that this was the way shops served sandwiches in places like Spain and France anyway.
Local man Kieran Hughes was having none of it:
“I’ve been to Spain loads of times and I know for a fact they have bread in their sandwich. The man is lying. Whoever heard of a breadless sandwich? I order a Club Sandwich and walked out holding chicken, bacon, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise in my hands. It was dripping all over the place and ruined my clothes. I’ll not be back!”
Shop owner James Soupy Campbell reckoned people needed to lighten up a bit and to stop being picky about everything:
“People need to lighten up a bit and stop being picky about everything.”
The news follows reports of a shop near Coalisland called JJ’s Chips which has never served a chip since it opened two months ago. Our reporter ordered a fish supper as part of an undercover operation for Tyrone Tribulations and received a battered fish with one slice of unbuttered white bread and a sachet of salt from KFC.
On further inspection it turned out the fish had no batter on it but had clearly been beaten around the shop with a hammer or something. Our reporter gave it 7/10.
Stephen Nolan has been asked to do a programme on declining food standards in Tyrone.
Tyrone Tribulations Declares Victory Over Car Parking In Dungannon
Our journalist McGlumphie celebrates news
Tyrone Tribulations declared itself ‘champion of the people’ after Dungannon Council agreed to provide free car parking in Dungannon town centre in September and October.
The Tyrone-based online news blog claimed that the Council had caved in to pressure following an article that appeared on the Tyrone
Tribulations website on the 4 August in relation to profits generated from the car parking facilities in Dungannon for the last three years.
“This is all down to us”, said journalist Shengas McGlumphie from behind an accumulation of empty whiskey glasses in Hagan’s Bar in Irish Street. “Our campaign to highlight the parking charges in Dungannon, has been a long, arduous, exhausting campaign that started on the 4th of August and finished about 3pm the same day. Jay, there was some drink taken that night boys”, he said. “Although there’s drink taken most nights to be honest”.
He went on,
“Tyrone Tribulations has reported and championed everything from nationalising Hugo Duncan to making Pomeroy less hilly. These are things that really matter to the people of Tyrone. It’s investigative reporting at its best. Today it’s bringing free parking to Dungannon, tomorrow it’ll be bringing the Olympics to Britain or suchlike. Sometimes you’ve got to stand up to the man. Deadly”.
McGlumphie refused to be drawn on reports that the website was little more than a collection of hastily written half-truths, that much of it was simply copied and pasted from the Dungannon Observer, and that the writers lacked communicative style and finesse.
“That’s f***ing bollocks that is”, said McGlumphie. “Tyrone Tribulations is quality reporting at its best. And I can categorically confirm that we have never copied stuff from the Dungannon Observer. Never in a million years. It’s usually the Tyrone Times. The Observer uses tara long words”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone stated that they knew nothing of the campaign and had never heard of Tyrone Tribulations.
Tyrone Tribulations Global Media Ltd, which owns Tyrone Tribulations, continues to be based in a corner of Dungannon Library until such time as they can afford to buy their own computer.
New Local Bye Law Will Allow Everyone To ‘Kick Someone In The Arse’ Once A Year
A controversial new law proposed by a local Tyrone councillor, will permit everyone in the County to legally kick just one person in the posterior, as hard as they like, once a year.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
“There’s lots of aggression out there and this is a quare way to deal with it”, explained Dungannon & South Tyrone Councillor Enda McMann. “Once a year on one particular day, everyone can have a really good swing at someone who’s spent the previous twelve months being a right pain in the hole. This is a local bye-law so only applies to people born or living in Tyrone. However, I say it’s about time this County started making some people honorary citizens, especially ones from neighbouring counties. Say Joe Brolly, just by way of an example like. I’ve always admired that man”.
He went on,
“We actually used to do this in the olden days but it’s a tradition that’s died out. It was punching rather than kicking though. Why do you think it was called Boxing Day? Jays, a day with the relatives on Christmas Day and it’s not surprising everyone was ready to lamp someone in the bake. That’s why we’ve got to get back to some good old-fashioned family values, except it’s going to kicking, not punching. We’re not savages”.
Instructions to be issued by Council
McMann went to describe his idea further.
“There would have to be some exceptions, obviously. We’d have to put in some age restrictions, maybe excuse people over 80. And we’d have to remove some easy targets like traffic wardens, or anyone who didn’t vote for Andrea on The Voice. And I suppose there would have to be some rules, like a limit on the runny-up, and whether you could wear a big pair of steel toe-caps. But the idea’s sound. We should do more of this stuff. Really”.
Support for the idea appeared to be growing in strength, with an on-line petition on Facebook already advocating that everyone, if the proposal is made law, to save all their boots up the arse for McMann.
Thousands Of Tyrone Women ‘Crosser Than Normal’ In Run Up To Clooney Wedding
Clooney – rejecting the women of Tyrone
The NI Anger Hotline have confirmed they received 492 calls from chastised husbands since Sunday after George Clooney confirmed he is to marry in Venice in a couple of weeks.
The 53-year old actor, who rivals Pope Francis, JFK and Paddy Heaney for room space on the mantelpieces in living rooms, was still considered an eligible bachelor by the majority of hopeful women in the county.
Tom Quinn, a Derrylaughan window fitter, fumed:
“Herself has been a bear since Clooney announced his intention to marry a girl in a fortnight. She’s snapping at everything and giving me dog’s abuse for even breathing. It’s a bit humiliating like. We’ve been married 14 years and she still thought she’d win him over by taking him to Derrylaughan for a feed and a few pints.”
Clooney, who once described Plumbridge as comparable to ‘roasting delicious white marshmallows‘, has been asked to reconsider his proposal by a couple of sisters in Clady:
“George’s head is cut. He’s marrying some oul blade who’s probably after his dough. What’s wrong with Clady women? Too good for them, Clooney? If he goes ahead with this then he’s just another selfish man and I’m destroying all my copies of ER and the Oceans films.”
PSNI have urged a bus load of Dungannon women not to travel to Venice to protest outside the ceremony. The 22-strong crowd have already booked a Chambers bus and plan to set out tomorrow with placards reading ‘Clooney, You’re Acting The Dick This Time’, ‘Don’t Do It George’ and ‘No Fracking Here’.
Tyrone Women Finding ‘Moobs’ Increasingly Sexy In Men
A recent survey has revealed that an increasing number of women in Tyrone are expressing a liking for men with ‘moobs’ – man boobs which are caused by an excess of over-eating and drinking.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
“That’s correct”, said Sean Tinkle Professor of the Research Institute of Northern Ireland. “There’s such a shortage of slim, normal-sized men that the Tyrone ladies are genetically evolving to find the big tubby fellas a turn-on. They’re becoming real chubby-chasers. Although to be fair, there’s not much chasing involved. Just a bit of waddling really”.
Asked about how he got to have moobs in the first place, 17-stone Pearce Dunn, a 23-year old candlemaker from Brocagh, said,
“Come on, do you know how much I’ve invested in this pair of beauties over the years? You don’t get a body like this by accident. I’ve spent literally thousands on beer, fast food and Pringles to get these puppies. And you know what? If you’ve got it, flaunt it”.
He went on,
Kelly: a quare pair on him
“The ladies love plenty to hold on to. Some of them young cubs going about these days have no chest on them at all. Tara. And my stomach? Never mind about that. It takes a big hammer to drive a long nail, know what I mean?” he said, winking.
Many Tyrone men are proudly flaunting their moobs, with three men being cautioned for indecent exposure at the recent Dungannon Festival, but not everyone is keen to exhibit their wares.
“Actually, I find it a bit offensive”, said 19-stone Cormac Kelly from Fivemiletown. “I was at the Tesco garage getting diesel the other day and you should have seen the wemmin in the kiosk when I went to pay. I had to say to them, ‘Excuse me ladies, my eyes are up here’. Honestly, the cheek of it. It’s like I’m a piece of meat. Admittedly quite a big one”.
However, the trend looks set to continue, with Quinn’s Corner expected to hold a Mr Wet T-Shirt competition this Friday night.
Probe Into Ireland’s First ‘6-Star Hotel’. In Greencastle.
News emerged yesterday of an investigation into what was billed as Ireland’s first all-inclusive, luxury ‘6-star’ resort which opened last weekend in Tyrone.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Crockanboy Farm Hotel, based next to the working farm of the same name, opened last weekend for business but promptly drew the attention of the Tyrone Tourism Board, which questioned its self-appointed 6-star status.
Spokesperson for the Tyrone Tourism Board Henry Bogue said,
“I suppose we should have twigged the moment we heard it was based in Greencastle. I mean, no offence to the folk there, but it’s not exactly 42nd Street in New York, is it? In fact, it’s not even Scotch Street in Dungannon. What were they thinking?”
Asked what will justify the 6-star rating, farmer-turned-hotelier Plunket Molloy said,
“Well, that’s a really good question. See, you have your 4-star hotels and 5-star hotels, but we’re 6. That means we’re better. Everything’s included. That’s why it’s all-inclusive, and 6-star. Beds, electricity, heating, floors, the lot. We might even throw in a bit of breakfast. How’s that for all-inclusive? And if they stay in the honeymoon suite they’ll get a free GAA Tyrone air freshener. They might need it with the smell of the slurry”.
The honeymoon suite awaits
He continued,
“We’re tapping into the American market here. They’ll come from places like San Francisco and Sydney, with their ‘gee shucks’, and their ‘gosh darn its’. Once they hear about this place we’ll be on the pig’s back. The Yanks are over here all the time researching their ancestry. We’ll do tours of a few graveyards, show then Ulysses Grant’s place, Peter Canavan’s home place, that sort of thing. And we can sort out some free bubblegum for them”.
Rooms start at £1,000 per night, although Molloy said privately that as an introductory offer he might accept offers as low as £25.
However, Bogue from the Tourist Board was less than impressed. In particular, he has raised concerns about the ‘state of the art’ fitness suite, which consists of a piece of blue rope for skipping, and a ‘free weights’ room which contains a pile of breeze blocks. He has also expressed concern about the heavily-advertised outdoor running area which incorporates a ‘unique in-built exercise improvement device, guaranteed to help improve fitness levels every time’, which appears to be nothing more than a field with an angry bull in it.
As at last night, Molloy was undeterred, insisting that he may advertise as a 7-star resort, just as soon as he gets the hot water plumbed in.
Clady Man’s Attempt To Re-Create Nathan Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Success With ‘Custard Cream’, Fails To Chart
A Clady man determined to make it big in the pop charts was left bitterly disappointed on Sunday when his debut single narrowly missed out making it into the top 10,000.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Following in the shoes of country singer sensation Nathan Carter who has enjoyed considerable success with a cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Wagon Wheel’, 37-year old Jerome Hughes from Clady attempted to re-create similar success with a self-penned song entitled ‘Custard Cream’.
Failed to chart
“It came to me all of a sudden when I was having my tae one day”, explained Hughes. “Why should the Carter cub have it all his own way with songs about chocolate biscuits? Can’t say I’ve listened to his record all the way through, but I’ve heard enough to know that if he can make a buckin’ fortune singing about Wagon Wheels, then I should be able to do the same with Custard Creams. And at least Custard Creams haven’t got smaller in size over the years. Bet young Carter doesn’t mention that inconvenient truth in his fancy song, eh?”
Hughes’ initial song-writing started out with an early effort entitled, ‘Terry’s Chocolate Orange’, but immediately encountered rhyming difficulties. He fared much better with Custard Cream, but fails to understand its lack of radio success, commercial success, critical success, or in fact any type of success whatsoever.
The song, which several observers have accused of bearing a suspicious likeness to Wagon Wheel, goes,
Scoff me on the land or you can munch me on the sea
You can shove me in yer bake or you can dunk me in your tea
Hey, baby eat me
Eat me by the packet or just eat me one by one
You can eat me when you’re hungry you can eat me just for fun
Hey, baby eat me
The song continues in a similar theme,
Come and eat me baby I’m the biscuit eater’s dream
You can go to paradise just eating one wee Custard Cream
Hey, baby eat me
Shop around to buy me use some shopper’s common sense
In Dungannon’s Newell Stores I’m only thirty-seven pence
Hey, baby eat me
Rumours surfaced late yesterday from a source in Strabane that Hugo Duncan has blacklisted the song on account of being a Garibaldi fan.
Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as
Coalisland this morning
the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.
Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.
All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.
The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.
Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.
More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.
“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”
With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.
The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.
County Holds Breath As Hugo Duncan Reportedly Entering Celebrity Big Brother House.
No cream buns in England
Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.
Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.
Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:
“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”
Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:
“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.“
40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.
Tyrone Tribulations 