Category Archives: Trillick
Trillick Schoolmaster Questioned Over Dubious Fundraising Initiative Since 1960s
Master Cuthbert
A retired Trillick headmaster is currently answering police questions after it emerged he collected over £3000 a year from pupils and their parents ‘for the poor people of Fermanagh’ despite no evidence of such a charity existing as well as the fact that the average family income in Fermanagh has been £4 higher than in Tyrone since 1833.
Master Cuthbert (81), who retired from St Gretta’s in 1989 and set up his own soup kitchen in Ballinamallard with the help of a dubious international grant, is said to have pocketed £60’000 from the Fermanagh Charity from 1965 until 1985 after which he claimed he had solved the Fermanagh poverty issue.
Ex-pupil and general sceptic Harry Brennan admits he thinks Cuthbert pulled a fast one:
“We used to pray 2-3 times a day for the poor people of Fermanagh even though we sort of lived next to them and they had bigger cars and houses. But the Master was very convincing and made us feel bad about not donating by telling sob stories about visiting Ederney and Belleek and the shanty houses and people going to the toilet in open fields. But sure, that was the same up the road in Fintona.”
Brennan also claimed the Master would show pictures of Fermanagh children with sad, dirty faces but now thinks it was just his own children mucking about in his garden.
Master Cuthbert subsequently, on retirement, set up a soup kitchen in Fermanagh with the help of a £30’000 European Charity grant but failed to attract any customers apart from a man from Strabane who popped in each day for a bowl of tomato soup.
Fermanagh Tourism Director Pierce McGrath rejected the notion that Fermanagh ever had a poverty issue and went on to declare that ‘by the state of the people walking around Trillick today, you could be doing with a lock of our pounds’.
Tang Trucker Sacked From Fire Brigade After 2 Days For Issuing ‘Keep Her Lit’ Instructions
By our Monaghan Correspondent, Phil McCracken
Records were broken this week after a fire department employee was given his P45 in just 48 hours on the job due to dialectal differences which saw firemen pour fuel on the flames of a lorry as well as almost setting a depot on fire.
Monaghan firemen
Trevor Farrell successfully applied to the Monaghan Fire Brigade last June, becoming the first Tyrone man to work in this depot since the great fire of 1988 near Clones which was started by a fireman from Trillick.
Trevor explained why he applied in the first place:
“Here I had no notion of doing that aul DCPC shit (The Driver Certificate of Professional Competence for all professional bus, coach and lorry drivers), what a waste of time, boy. I saw that the fire department was taking people on so be Jaysus I applied for the post and didn’t I get the job”.
On Trevor’s second night of his new job his week, he was on phone duty when a call came in about a truck on fire out by Balls Cross.
“Oh be God I was all excited, lad. I was waiting on that call since I started the new job. I tell ya, if I hadn’t got that call I was going to start a fire myself. No point in having men sitting around doing feck all like. Anyway I called out to they rest of the lads to get the plant lit up and blow her for Balls Cross. Well Jaysus after the boys left I went outside to find every fecking shrub in the station garden on fire. I wonder to meself ‘what kind of thick glipes am I working with’.
Long serving fire officer David Boyle was on duty that night. He recalls:
“I was in the office when the call came in. Trevor told us to light the plants up and get to Balls Cross. Sure be Jaysus we thought that it was strange but we poured fuel over the plants and lit them and we were soon off to Balls Cross. Anyway we were half way out the road and that nutcase Trevor kept shouting down the two-way radio to “keep her lit boys, that road is clean and green”. Well never before did we here the likes of that. Sure for feck sake we had to stop by Foyles Filling Station to get drums of clean diesel and green diesel”.
Trevor had a different take on events:
“Ah be the Lord Jaysus the boys told me the were running five minutes behind because they had to stop to diesel up. What sort of bullocks doesn’t refuel the plant up when he comes back to the yard? I told them boys to get there quick and keep her lit until I got there”.
Fire Officer Jonathan O’Neill gave his views on the calamity:
“We wondered what kind of crazy dick that Trevor fella was. We radioed back to him that it was a Sawyers lorry on fire. All we could here from him was ‘oh Lord Jaysus lads, I’m on my way flat to the mat boys, I’ll keep her lit’. We never had to keep a fire lit before, and that man Trevor was on his way and he wanted to keep it lit so we started to pour the clean and green diesel over the lorry”.
Trevor remarked on his arrival at Balls Cross:
“Well feck me, how them thick runts got a job with the fire brigade is beyond me lad. Every fecking time the flames started to die down them crazy bastards put more fuel on that lorry, and they said it was my fault that lorry and fridge was burned to the ground”.
A disappointed Sawyers spokesperson added:
“Gutted boy, fucking gutted. I bet that Trevor fella worked with McBurnley Transport, fucking gutted.”
Sawyers Transport Lurgan has ordered a full investigation.
Garda in Monaghan also threw in their penny’s worth when adding:
“There won’t be an investigation because we don’t know if we should investigate the man that told them to keep her lit or the shower of savages that kept it lit”.
MJM Training confirmed that Sean is booked in next week to sit his DCPC.
Monaghan fire department revealed they have four officers off sick with burns after Trevor told them to ‘keep the toe on her boys’.
Stormont House Agreement Sees Tyrone ‘Hard Done By’ Says Kildress Man
A sight under threat with the new agreement
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
What’s On Tyrone TV Over Christmas
CHRISTMAS EVE
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
CHRISTMAS DAY
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Armagh last July
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Rise In Women Fixing Their Hair Before Answering The Phone And Wearing Tabards
Trillick Woman in a tabard
A habit, once thought to be nearing extinction in Ireland, has reportedly gathered legs again as the amount of women fixing their hair before answering their mobile phones or landlines is on the rise.
In a sign of the times, the activity has evolved with many women taking selfies before lifting the receiver or pressing answer on their devices. Ballygawley teacher John Kelly confirmed they have missed three important calls to the house recently because of his wife adjusting her extensions before answering the call:
“I’m a sub-teacher at the minute and rely on calls in the morning for a livelihood. Three times this week the phone has run off because I’ve been in the toilet and Mary’s been checking her hair in the mirror. Last week I saw her taking a photo of herself when the phone began ringing. Not only that, she took another one because the first one wasn’t to her liking. This madness must stop. It makes no sense.”
86-year old widow Hillary Johnson from Omagh has lambasted the young women of today in terms of the time taken to make sure they are fit to answer the phone.
“In my day, we would have leapt up and checked hair, make-up and blouse before the second ring. By the fourth we’d have applied any changes necessary. These young ones today are too lazy and slow. I blame the Internet and them American TV shows.”
Other traditional female actions reportedly fashionable again are blue-rinse dyes and wearing tabards with 20-30 nappy pins attached.
‘Darragh The Tank Engine’ Writer Accused Of Plagiarism By Publishers
The Plump Regulator
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Seskinore writer of a new children’s book has been accused of copying a long-standing children’s classic.
Last month author Marty Gallagher of Doogary Road was in discussion with several well-known Tyrone-based publishing houses about a children’s book he had written entitled ‘Darragh the Tank Engine’ about a fictional train and his little train friends, before being accused of copying a similarly named character and story-format from another popular children’s book.
“My characters are completely different from anything else that’s out there”, protested Gallagher. “See, I have this one boyo in it who’s not a train at all but a human who looks after all the railways and trains and suchlike, called the Plump Regulator. I know it’s probably a bit size-ist but it just seems like the right character. I can’t explain it. I’m copying no-one hi. It’s deadly. And if it gets made into a telly programme I don’t want some posh actor from London narrating it. I like the idea of someone with a strong regional accent, like that John Bishop fella. He’s quite good. It’s just something about the Scouse accent. Class”.
Gallagher turned to writing a few years ago after heavily investing in a typewriter manufacturing business in Belfast, which promptly went out of business two weeks later.
“Aye, who could have predicted the changes ahead, eh?” said Gallagher ruefully. “I tried to save the business by diversifying into selling filofaxes, but it was too little too late. That’s why I’ve since turned my hand to writing. I’ve some imagination, even although I don’t know where my half my ideas come from”.
One of the would-be publishers based in Trillick, the publishing heartland of Tyrone, who didn’t want to give her name, declared,
“I know where his bloody ideas come from. He needs to catch himself on. He approached us with a book last year called Barry Cotter, about a boy wizard from Cappagh who got up to all sorts of stuff with his mate, Sean Greasely. Wonder where he got that idea? And then there was his other so-called book, ‘The Lion, The Witch, and The Washingbay’. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. And obviously neither can he”.
As of yesterday evening, Gallagher was hard at work on his typewriter expanding his range of train characters, including a “a friendly wee Welsh engine called Ivor”.
Trillick ‘Antiques Roadshow’ Episode Cancelled Due To ‘Excessive Amounts Of Junk’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The BBC confirmed this morning that they have decided not air an episode of Antiques Roadshow due to the ‘staggering amounts of garbage’ that people produced.
Producers of the show, which was based on a field just outside Trillick, were said to have become exasperated at some of the articles presented by locals for valuation, which included: a half-used tube of Peter Canavan’s hair gel from 1982; a digital clock that the owner insisted was from the Tudor period; a Tyrone GAA air freshener; a parking ticket issued in Coalisland High Street, believed to the only one of its kind in existence.
Presenter Fiona Bruce was reported to have said,
“I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful to the wonderful people of Tyrone, but the stuff they brought in was shit. It was like some of them had just rummaged around in the back of the cupboard to see what they could find just so they could get on the BBC.”
This was hotly disputed by local organiser Terence Kerr, who fumed,
“How dare she accuse us of that sort of behaviour just to get on telly? It might be junk to them but it’s priceless to us. I myself have a genuine St Brigid’s cross made by none other St Patrick himself when he was passing through Carnteel in the sixth century, one of only four originals he made. Of course it’s of enormous sentimental value to me and I would never even think of parting with it. Not for less than twenty quid at any rate”.
Another attendee, 54-year old Bernie Duggan from Annaghmore, argued,
“To be honest, I just had a wee rummage in the back of the cupboard to see what I could find, so’s I could maybe get on the TV. And to my surprise I discovered what I’m sure is an un-released recording of Hugo Duncan doing a cover version of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ when he was letting his hair down one night in Kelly’s Bar in 1978. I’ve no idea how it got there, but it’s got to be worth a few quid”.
The show was abandoned after five hours, when the most expensive item valued was a packet of Opal Fruits, circa 1982, still in its original wrapping, which was valued at 50 pence.
Tyrone County Board To ‘3D print’ Ricey For Championship
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.
Jiving Injuries Getting Worse As Brooks Concert Approaches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Hospital authorities across the county have issued a plea to Tyrone residents to ‘calm down a bit’ on the dancing, as a four-fold increase in ‘jiving-related injuries’ put hospital services at breaking point at the weekend.
It is thought that the increasing popularity of local singers such as Nathan Carter, Derek Ryan and Lisa McHugh, combined with the forthcoming Garth Crooks concerts, have thrown residents into a frenzy of what many have euphemistically referred to as ‘dancing’.
“We’re on high alert”, admitted hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “It’s like a bizarre but very worrying form of hypnosis, particularly in some of the men. Put on ten seconds of ‘Wagon Wheel’, and suddenly they’re thirty years younger and John Travolta. You should see them. At best it’s 250 quid off of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and at worse a 10-day spell in traction. Have they no sense? What makes them think that if their hips are clicking one minute, they can do a back flip the next? Holy Smokes”.
Crisis point was reached following the announcement of the Garth Brooks tour dates.
“Since then, we’re just swamped with injuries”, said Quinn. “Last Friday night we had admissions of a whole lock of different accidents at pubs and clubs, from dislocated wrists to sprained backs, locked knees, and broken ankles. And that’s just from people getting out of their stools. The actual jiving injuries were even worse”.
Authorities now fear that the outbreak has spread to domestic premises.
“We’re getting more and more call-outs to people’s homes”, admitted paramedic Aiden Mullan from Trillick. “We got an emergency call to Urney last Thursday and were treating this one boy for convulsions. Turns out that was just him tryin’ to throw some shapes to ‘Friends in Low Places’. Jaysus, we thought he had swallowed his tongue. And then on Sunday, this one in Seskinore had grabbed his missus after Sunday lunch when ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ came on the radio. He tried to spin her round and ended up catapulting her straight through the conservatory window. Poor woman. We were picking glass out of her arse for hours”.
Hospital authorities have confirmed that they are to remain on high alert throughout spring or ‘until people wise up’. Meantime, radio broadcasters have been cautioned against ‘inciting people to jive’, with Hugo Duncan having already received a formal reprimand for deliberately playing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ without a health warning.
Thousands Of Duffle Coats Flung Onto Beds As Cold Snap Kicks In
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Residents across Tyrone last night were prompted into getting heavy coats out and putting them onto beds as the temperature plummeted to as low as minus 4 degrees Centigrade in some parts of the County.
Donkey jackets, duffle coats, boiler suits, dressing gowns, overcoats, monkey hats and other outerwear were all hurriedly thrown onto beds, as faulty electric blankets were dug out of attics and hastily re-wired.
Local housewife and serial complainer Alison Brennan from Mountfield said,
“Jays, it was baltic. I don’t know how many blankets and coats we had on the bed but I could have survived a gunshot. You’ve no idea how cold this house is. I went out to the sales this morning and bought 14 more duffle coats for the beds. My husband told me to sit by the fire, but there’s not much point in that unless he’s going to light the feckin’ thing. Tight-fisted eejit”.
Brennan continued,
“I knew we were going to be in trouble when I was in Greencastle last night to get some wheaten, and the young lasses were out in what they call their ‘overcoats’. Or to give it its proper name, glitter spray”.
Others were faced with the prospect of having to have the central heating on all day.
“Have you seen the price of oil?” complained a man from Trillick, who preferred to remain anonymous. “We’re racing through the stuff. Christ, it was only the end of November since I siphoned 500 gallons of it from them ‘uns down the road. Now I’m going to have to do it all over again. It’s beyond a joke, it really is”.
Elsewhere, the roads were causing driving difficulties. Local PSNI Chief Inspector John Quinn said,
“The roads are like a bottle. People shouldn’t be out driving in this weather, and if they are they need to act responsibly. We were in Tesco car park last night trying to doing doughnuts in the panda car and it was almost impossible. Car was sliding all over the place. People should stay in”.
It has also been reported that 44 youngsters have been clipped around the ear over the holidays for leaving the immersion on for more than three hours after the water was used.
The cold weather continues.
Misunderstanding Of Visiting American Causes Tyrone Locals To Lose The Bap
Typical Tyronnies
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A visiting American has upset a number of people after allegedly making remarks about residents of the county.
Randy Beckerson from Wisconsin, America, was visiting Clogher to conduct some family research, and is believed to have made some passing comments about the favoured activities of residents in Tyrone.
“How dare he accuse us of being obsessed with cars, stealin’ fuel, and the weather”, said 38-year old Tommy Boyce from Trillick as he furtively siphoned 300 litres of fuel out of an oil tank on the Killyfuddy Road. “That’s a racial slur that is. And he never so much as mentioned bacon, diffin’, lickin’ plates, or the price of a bale of hay. Jaysus, there’s nothing like a nice piece of crispy bacon. Anyway, if he wants to come over here with his hamburgers and his loud clothes and his milkshakes and his, ‘Hey y’all’ and ‘Howdy pardner’, then that’s up to him. But we’d never stereotype Americans like he’s done with us. It’s a disgrace”.
Carla Gervin from near Garvahey agreed.
“He’s made us out to be a bunch of culchies from the hills, like the Flintstones or something”, she said, struggling to control two pigs that she had tucked under each arm. “And he was deadly rude as well. I asked him if he had any string I could use to tie up the pigs because I forgot to bring some, and he told me I should get a fanny pack. Jaysus, I was only askin’. There’s no need for that sort of language”.
Beckerson however appeared puzzled by the furore.
“Most of them Ty-rone folks are just peachy. I was in a lil’ diner in Clocker that had a speakeasy out back, and I was getting on just swell with the fellers. But then I ordered up a whiskey and the bartender dude told me that the Bushmills was ‘Deadly’. Well of course I reckoned if it was gonna be poisonous I’d take a raincheck, so I ordered Bell’s instead, and then he said ‘Grand’. A grand? I ain’t gonna pay no jackass a thousand bucks for no shot of whiskey. So he got all uppity and suddenly he shoved my ass onto the sidewalk. Enough already. And I ain’t been doing no stereotyping. These sorts of things don’t exist”,
he said, before spitting an enormous wad of tobacco into a spittoon.
Beckerson caused further consternation last night when he popped into Costcutters in Galbally to buy some gum, where he greeted the shop assistant with a cheerful, ‘Hey, I’m Randy’.
20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.
Derrytresk Digger Drivers
Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.
The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:
“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”
Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:
“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.
The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.
Tomorrow’s schedule:
8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale
PSNI Discover 24 Old Bottles Of Sunny Delight. Derrytresk Evacuated.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Part of East Tyrone was under alert last night after the PSNI discovered two dozen bottles of Sunny Delight at a house in Balynakilly Road, which had been forgotten about at the back of a cupboard by the owner for 14 years. 150 families were evacuated from Derrytresk and the surrounding area for fear of radiation poisoning, and are currently undergoing tests for contamination.
DI Sean Robertson in a statement said,
“We discovered 24 bottles of a substance popularly known as Sunny Delight, or to give it its chemical name, Agent X. Once we’ve got some of thon deadly big white suit yolks like they use on thon ‘CSI’ programme, we’ll go in for a closer look”.
The deadly substance
Sunny Delight, the adolescent’s drink of choice in the 1990s and bought by the uneducated, the unemployed, and certain types from Stewartstown, lost popularity after it was discovered that once the bottle had sat on a shelf for six months it underwent a thermo-nuclear chain reaction and rapidly gained the half-life of plutonium. A 3-year old 250ml bottle of Sunny Delight is capable of powering a nuclear submarine for two years, or a Killeeshil woman’s mobile phone for a month.
Trillick-based world-renowned professor and bio-chemist Nicholas Steinberg, with whom police are consulting, said,
“Ghost oh. That stuff’s tara. Did you ever see that ‘Alien’ film, with all that acid stuff that came out of the monster? Sunny Delight’s like that. Sigourney Weaver would cack her pants if she turned up in Derrytresk, Ah’m tellin’ ye boys. This is the worse contamination we’ve had since that boy spilled a whole bottle of Tizer in Cabragh in 2006, remember? Still, people need to stay calm. There’s no point anyone over-reacting”, warned Steinberg from behind a gas mask before rushing off to take shelter in an underground bunker.
It was alleged by the British government in 2002 that Saddam Hussein was developing Sunny Delight to use as a chemical weapon by putting it into an empty Fairy Liquid squeezy bottle and squirting it at people. The drink has already been banned by the United Nations under the Geneva Convention, and by all primary schools in the Dungannon and South Tyrone area.
It is expected that Derrytresk residents will be able to return to their homes in around 20 year’s time.
West Tyrone To House 60’000 Fermanagh Evacuees During G8 Summit
Fermanagh locals vent their anger, sort of
Government officials have confirmed this afternoon that families in West Tyrone are to receive monetary compensation for having to house tens of thousands of Fermanagh locals who are to be evacuated during the two weeks in and around the historic G8 summit in Fermanagh in June this year. The on-going ‘We’re Not Animals’ campaign demanding to allow Fermanagh natives to stay in their own houses appears to have lost ground today as many families in the west Tyrone area have already begun adding extensions to barns, outhouses and sheds to cater for the 60’000 evacuees expected at the end of May. Stormont have said they will allow 2000 Fermanagh people to remain in the county during the summit, mostly doctors, lawyers and blow-ins from other counties.
“We’re a wee bit excited and a tiny bit scared too”, claimed Trillick greengrocer Hillary Buchanan. “It’ll be great for the children to mix with the Fermanagh people and experience different cultures and morals. My young lads are big into the Discovery Channel and often harrass me into taking them to safari parks and zoos so this is like a dream come true for them – on our own doorstep. I’ve been reading up on what they eat and it doesn’t seem to be much of a problem. Their diet appears to be maize or wheat mixed with a lot of water. I’ve downloaded loads of ‘Glenroe’ episodes, ‘Knight Rider’ and the ‘3-2-1 dusty bin’ programmes as apparently they’ve big in Fermanagh right now. I’m a tiny bit worried about communicating but we’ll get by on slates and chalk.”
‘We’re Not Animals’ campaign organiser, Harry Bogue, says they’ve all but given up hope on a government u-turn but promises to take a positive experience from their temporary refugee status in Tyrone over the fortnight. Using a whiteboard and marker, the Lisnaskea lace-maker told us:
“We no want move but we try to take home spices and stuff”
Obama’s office released a statement today regretting the absence of a chance to meet the rural Fermanagh community but admitted that it’s probably for the best as Germany’s Angela Merkel’s failed romance with a lad from Tempo during a beer festival in Berlin during the 60s is still raw. The Fermanagh evacuees will be bused in by Chambers and by train.
Trillick Fun Day ‘Not All That Good’ Says Children
Trillick, just now
The 2013 Trillick Fun Day did not reach the expected heights the planning committee had envisaged, reflected in the general content of an essay competition the local school ran in its aftermath.The mid-February extravaganza was a new initiative by the planning committee to raise the profile of the area, after the national census figures revealed that 96% of teenagers can’t wait until they’re 18 so they can move to Tempo or somewhere like that where there are slot machines or the pictures. Local principal and committee treasurer, Master Grimes, told us that going by the essays he read it wasn’t exactly a fun day.
“It seemed to be a bit of a washout to be honest. We didn’t have much of a budget so all we could hire was a third-rate carnival company from Lusk. Alarm bell rang when they arrived with just the one lorry. Out of it they pulled 6 bales of hay, a pony, 10 hula-hoops, the game Twister, 3 skipping ropes, 2 cats, a crate of raspberry TipTop drinks, 2 old boxing gloves, eggs and spoons and a few newspapers. Having charged locals £10 in, we knew we were in a spot of bother. It started to rain heavily as well. The cats were running for cover, the pony refused to get out of the lorry when it saw the weather, the bales of hays were soaked through but at least everyone had a go on a hula-hoop and most managed a slug of the TipTop drinks. One of the pupils’ essays on Monday had a rather witty title called “A Fête Worse Than Death” but went on to describe the horrors of seeing one of the cats choking its way through the hard-boiled egg. We made £4000 though.”
Organisers say they plan to use the £4000 to pay off some of the damage caused when a few lads donned the boxing gloves and went around boxing the heads off ornaments outside houses down the Galbally Road.
First Obese Man In Gortin ‘Ashamed’. Pledges To ‘Cut Down’
Man in Gortin today
With the recent news that sixty–four people in NI are currently claiming incapacity benefit because they are too obese to work, one man from Gortin has come forward to confirm that he, in fact, is one of the three from Tyrone included in the above investigation. Johnny Coyle, a 31-year old ex-timber merchant from the village, says obesity sort-of crept up on him out of nowhere and blames the foreigners for opening their delicious outlets in the greater Omagh area.
“Jaysus I’m tara embarrassed. I knew I’d put on a lock of pounds after everyone stopped buying timber from the yard in favour of them straw bales and I had to retire, but little did I know I’d actually ballooned to 31 stone from my fighting weight of 13 stone. I knew a couple of chairs had broken over the last year but I just put that down to shoddy workmanship in Fermanagh. The bed collapsing should have been a tell-tale sign. It wasn’t until I got stuck in the doorway of Mossey’s Bar back toilet that I couldn’t ignore the truth. I’d been eating too much. The government came around to weigh me and told me what I already knew. I’m the first obese person in Gortin. Stop eating or I won’t get a woman they said.”
Coyle has made it his goal to find out where the other two obese people in Tyrone are so he can set up an Eaters’ Anonymous Society. He also also promised to cut down on the Chineses, Indians, pic ‘n’ mix from Centra and the thrice daily fries.
“My runners have told me there may be a middle-aged woman in Brocagh and a young lad in Trillick around the same size as myself. I’d have to be sure though. You’d get some abuse if you asked the wrong person if they were obese. I’m just looking for moral support as we begin our descent towards an acceptable level of heaviness. It’s all about what you eat. A gradual change in lifestyle should do the trick. For breakfast, instead of the 5 bacon, 9 sausage, biscuits, gravy, cream hotcakes, dozens of scrambled and fried eggs and pounds upon pounds of melted cheese with ice cream on Fridays, cut out the ice cream on Fridays.”
The Gortin Pioneers’ Society released a statement saying they wholeheartedly supported Johnny but that you’d think he’d learn the lessons from his da who died after choking on a Frankfurter in 2001.
TV ‘Not All That Great’ Says Trillick Octogenarian
Trillick’s first TV
86-year old ex-taxidermist Bill Dougan from Trillick yesterday claimed there was ‘nothing but shite’ on the TV these days and has encouraged young people to take up ‘road boules or something like digging.’ The unprovoked outburst occurred after watching The Late Late Show on Friday night only to be presented with no one he’d even remotely heard of or interested in.
“I’ve been watching TV since the 1940s. My aunt Kathleen was a landowner and used to charge peasants a fortune for using her toilet, the only one in Trillick until 1962. She used the money to buy a big TV, again the only one in this area. It was a Crosley 10-428 bakelite dark brown table top one and she allowed us to watch it once a week. There were some great shows back then. Bonanza, 321, Glenroe, the news, The Plough and the Stars, Eurovision, The Riordans and the weather. Now it’s all lesbians and people ridin. That Tubridy boy. He has an eye for the buck naked women and tee-total boys who cry on that show. Best, Higgens and Behan are spinning in their graves.”
Dougan is worried about the future of the Irish people if the current TV content remains. He has called on young Irish men and women to turn off their sets and get out onto the roads to embrace the qualities we once held dear.
“Listen, Albert Reynolds needs to make a stand here. What type of Irish person are we launching on the world now? In my day we were hard working, hard drinking, racist, sexist, untidy, funny and unreliable. Those are the qualities we historically cherished. I see these young people walking around Trillick all cleaned up and the boys with tattoos, pushing prams. They all go to work on time and come home on time. There’s hardly any form of discrimination at all now. They’re watching all them politically correct messages in soaps and chat shows. Is this the kind of Ireland we want? I blame Pat the bollocks Kenny. At least Gay Byrne disliked some of his guests. Get Byrne back on the TV before all is lost. I caught my son doing the dishes a week ago. I may be 86 but a box to the head fairly stung him.”
Dromore a ‘Dark Place’ After Defeat
The mood in Dromore has been described as darker than the deepest recesses of outer space since their senior football side were defeated in the county final last Sunday. Not since 1838, when an English tourist labelled Dromore as a ‘bleak poor hilly town’ in a holiday brochure, has the ‘Large Ridge’ found itself wallowing in a slough of self-pity and despair. No bins have been collected, cattle milked nor men washed since the loss four days ago and the outlook shows no sign of improvement. Housewife Katie McCarron refuses to see any light at the end of the tunnel:
“It’s buckin ridiculous now. Jaysus, I know the football is big an all in Dromore but these lads need to catch a grip of themselves. My husband, a stalwart on the team, hasn’t taken a shower since Sunday morning. He’s still in his muddied kit, just sitting and sleeping on the couch watching reruns of Starsky and Hutch. The only time he rises is for the toilet but he’s even too depressed to flush it. He’s normally very aware of his appearance and was a rather gorgeous man. Now, he just looks like an oul hobo from Omagh. Not one fcuk does he give right now about anything. He should be shot with a ball of his own shite.”
Dromore, since Sunday
With rubbish piling up on the roads and loanans, cattle at bursting point and drunk men staggering from The Central Bar, pishing all over the place, women have given the male population 24 hours to snap out of it or they’re going to start flirting with lads from Trillick.
“I’m giving my lad another day. If no improvement, I’m heading down the Galbally Road and grabbing one of them Trillick boys. They’ll never be left in that post-county final depression, let’s be honest.”
Tyrone Tribulations 