Clonoe Altar Boy Rang Bell At Wrong Time. Priest Furious.
Harbinson, after the handlin.
By Gombeen
A primary five altar boy making his much anticipated debut at Saturday night mass last weekend maintains he was set-up by more experienced altar boys, probably the P7 lad, after he rang the bell during a period of silent reflection. Fr Lenny McGee, a short-tempered clergyman from outside the county, reacted badly to the mistiming youngster but has since forgiven the boy’s momentary lapse. Johnny Harbinson is adamant he was set up:
“To be honest, I was a bit green about it. My da had been an altar boy of fine repute and uncles would tell me he had the steadiest hand in the country for holding the plate under chins like they used to at communion. I had a lot to live up to and the pressure maybe got to me. One of the other lads handed me the stick for hitting the bell and I do remember thinking it wasn’t how I thought it would look like. There was no soft head on it – just a bit of lead.”
Young Harbinson went on to explain the moment he realised he’d been hoaxed:
“The bigger lad said he’d wink when it was time to hit the bell and to wallop it with the deadliest force I could muster. I heard the priest say ‘bow down your heads in silence and pray for forgiveness’ early on in the mass as he sat down on a seat to reflect. I looked at the p7 boy, he winked, so I hit the bell with the stick of lead with the most might I had in me. The noise was earth-shattering and I could see the elderly cradle their heads with the squealing from their hearing aids. A window shattered at the back. The ambulance was called to see to a couple of OAPs with weak valves. My lasting memory was a visibly-shocked Fr McGee shouting ‘Holy Jaysus’ with a scowl on him like nothing I’d seen before.”
Harbinson has been ‘rested’ this week but is expected to make a second appearance at the start of May.
Granville Man Finds It Hard To Sell Inverness Royal Academy Uniform
Inverness Royal Academy
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A Granville man has withdrawn an Inverness Royal Academy (IRA) uniform from sale after a campaign of abuse from neighbours and strangers. John McGuigan was a pupil at the academy during the 1980s before moving from Scotland to Tyrone 10 years ago.
“I just can’t understand it”, said McGuigan, 54. “I just wanted someone else to make good use of it. There might not be much demand for an IRA uniform around these parts, but I just thought I’d give it a try. My IRA days were amongst the happiest of my life. I had some brilliant times there and I remember how me and the lads just seemed to spend our whole time laughing our heads off at some of the stuff we got up to. All I want to do is for someone else to use the uniform and maybe enjoy the IRA as much as I did, and I’ve been quite open about that”.
But locals have reacted strongly to the advert which has appeared in two local papers for four consecutive weeks, and have recently resorted to action. At the weekend, profanities in indelible ink appeared across McGuigan’s front door.
“I spent all day Sunday trying to scrub the letters out with a brillo pad and a big bottle of Jif. I’ve removed 5 of the letters but the ‘w’ is really stubborn. And then the week before I was at the hole in the wall at Tesco getting some cash when someone sneaked round the corner and toed me right up the arse, then just ran off. It’s ridiculous. It’s a free country isn’t it?”
Several phone calls made by McGuigan to Dungannon Police Station have met little response.
“That shower were even worse. I told them I was getting dog’s abuse just for trying to sell an IRA uniform and they went mental. I can’t even repeat what the desk sergeant told me to do with the uniform, but I certainly don’t think it would fit. And it’s made of horsehair, so it would be dead scratchy and everything”.
McGuigan now plans to contact the Academy directly to see if the school is able to sell the uniform on to any of its current or future pupils.
“I have other stuff to sell but after all the hassle I’m not sure now” said McGuigan “although I have quite a lot of memorabilia from my days in the Ullapool Darts Association, so I might have better luck with that”.
Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers
Washingbay Road, Coalisland
This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.
Offers over £175,000
Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe
Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help, this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.
Offers over £80’000
Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory
This superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated. Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!
Offers over £45’000
Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally
This generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.
Offers over £30 or E50
Greencastle, Kildress, Gortin & Donemana Call For Relocation Of Sperrins
Should I stay or should I go?
By Gombeen
Following on from yesterday’s news that Greencastle had tabled a motion at the Tyrone Congress that the Sperrins be moved from their present location, it has emerged that they have received vociferous backing from Kildress, Gortin and Donemana. In an added twist to the sensational developments, Glenelly, Strabane and Plumbridge have promised to fight tooth and nail to keep the mountain range exactly where it is for varying reasons. Donemana’s Richard O’Neill explains the stance of the four pro-removal townlands:
“Yousins in the rest of the county don’t know what it’s like to wake up til this giant thing towering over you everyday like big mad parent. Every buckin day. And what it is? A big hape of moss and bogland – useless to man and beast. They talk about the beauty of Mullaghcarn Mountain. It’d be damn well beautiful to me if it was sitting in Benburb or Trillick. And it’s freezing here. The sun can’t get at us. Sure you only have to look at the complexion of us indigenous peoples stretching the whole way across to Lissan. You’d think we’d been in solitary confinement all our lives with the gaunt skin and bags under the eyes. There’s so much we can’t see here – Portrush, the Aurora Borealis and the North Pole. It’s just not fair and another thing – there’s no drying at all here if the wind is coming from the north. That gigantic useless lump of turf blocks the whole thing. We’re calling on the Tyrone Sperrin Society to consider moving the range to the south west of the county of maybe abroad to Portygal or Egypt.”
Glenelly’s tourism spokesman, Eddie Parton, refutes the claims of the foursome:
“Listen, if them mountain glipes from Kildress hadn’t cut down all the trees 6000 years ago then it’d be a thing of beauty. They’ve greedily bogged the land out with their incessant burning of things. They’re always burning things down there. The Sperrins are crucial to tourism around these parts. Hikers usually try to go up them only to find it’s too wet and soggy and just freewheel down to here or to The Plum to buy coats and flasks and things. The Sperrins are here to stay I say. What about that lovely song concerning Slieve Gallion Brae:
My name is Joe McGarvey as you might understand
I come from Derryginnet and I own a farm of landAre there better lyrics on the planet than that opener?”
The four protagonists have been slow to distance themselves from a telephoned threat from a group calling themselves the Strabane Slashers to the tourism board warning that if the vote doesn’t go in favour of the removalists, they’ll blow the mountain range up anyway. Richard O’Neill added:
“We do not condone the use of explosives to rid ourselves of this monstrosity but let’s not get carried away. There’s worse things in the world than a couple of lads from Strabane blowing up the Sperrins.”
The Tyrone tourism board are to make a decision next week. They will also try to ask the Sperrins themselves by listening to the ground with a cocked ear.
Greencastle Man Thought He’d Slept For Days. Turns Out He Hadn’t.
Teague, asleep
By Gombeen
A Greencastle fitter, Malachy Teague, feared he’d lost days after taking too many flu tablets that the local doctor had prescribed for him. Although it explicitly said to only take two every four hours, an under-the-weather Teague mixed the numbers up and swallowed four every two hours.
“I went to lie down around 2pm for a quick sleep only to wake up and it dark. I was confused so I grabbed the tablet pack and saw they were done. On reading the label, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake and surmised that I must’ve been out cold for a few days at least. I’d seen that word surmised on Countdown a while ago and thought it was a great word.”
With all clocks and watches stopped in the house, Teague headed down to Eddie’s to find out what day it was, only to experience how difficult finding out that information actually was.
“I asked Sean behind the bar if he had a paper so I could check how my greyhound tip got on. I had no tip but just wanted to see the date on the paper. Sean asked what greyhound it was. I had to think on my feet and just made up a name – “Kissy Slippy”. Sean said it came nowhere and walked off. I went to the back bar and this time just asked for a look at today’s paper. Geordie said his wife had it upstairs and sure there was nothing in it anyway. Exasperated, I saw oul Johnny Devlin reading the Irish News at the back wall with a magnifying glass. At this stage I’d decided that if he refused to give me the paper I’d kill him, 93 or not. I just grabbed the thing off him, saw it was still today’s date and handed it back politely.”
It turned out that Malachy had just been sleeping for five hours due to the heavy flu.
“Gee I was quare and relieved to get that sorted. You just cannot go up to someone and ask them to give you the day of the week.”
In other local news, Greencastle GAC have started a petition to get the Sperrin Mountains moved.
Drumquin Man Recovering From Salad Intolerance
Drumquin man before feed
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Craigavon Hospital confirmed last night that it has received its first case of someone suffering from salad intolerance.
“We admitted a 29 year old male yesterday evening where he was treated for a severe adverse reaction to a potentially lethal cocktail which we believe included rocket, watercress and balsamic vinegar” said a hospital spokesperson. “This morning however he has had a big feed and appears to be improving”.
The man in question, bus driver Patsy McGee from Drumquin, gingerly admitted:
“It was tara boys. Yesterday evening the wife gave me salad for my tea which I don’t think I’ve had before, but she was off to the zumba and didn’t have time to make anything else. About an hour later I was having these chronic stomach pains and some mad hallucinations about Kimberley Mikados. I can’t remember much after that”.
Fearful that her husband was having a stroke, his wife Rose immediately dialled 999.
“He was wrecking away in the ambulance, trying to eat the gel for thon defibrillator thing. He was just rambling and kept yelling ‘wagon wheels’ at the paramedic. It got even worse in the ward. He almost dragged three nurses with him trying to escape into the corridor, and there was bugger all out there apart from a fire extinguisher and one of them chocolate machines. They had to sedate him. Poor soul”.
Health officials fear that this could turn into an epidemic across Tyrone, although the intolerance is not thought to be infectious. A woman from Dromore was also admitted to hospital yesterday ranting ‘get me the Tayto’ after having eaten two slices of Ryvita bread for lunch, although the two incidents are not thought to be related.
Fintona Plans To Invade Tattyreagh “Not An April Fools’ Joke”
Tattyreagh Resistance Army
By Gombeen
Rumours of a mass invasion involving brute force and clever propaganda have been confirmed following the leakage of a sensitive document from the offices of the Fintona War Committee last night. Tattyreagh natives have been called ‘paranoid’ and ‘mental’ in recent weeks after their pleas to the Tyrone County Conflict Resolution Board (TCCRB) regarding fears for their safety fell on deaf ears. The 10-point plan document now pushes their worst nightmares closer to reality with the TCCRB admitting it might be too late to do anything about it. Tattyreagh joiner, Leo McCabe, reckons it’s only a matter of time now:
“We knew this day would come. Those feckers in Fintona never wanted us. They see Omagh as some kind of Mecca and hate the fact that we’re closer. For years they’ve been driving through here in their big SUVs throwing their household rubbish out the windows trying to get us to move the hell out. Well, now we’ve a school, a pub and Darcy Park which is right up there with the best grounds in Ireland. We’re ready for them. We’ve mobilised a group of about 20 or so at the Halfway House and we’ll resist them with cudgels and spears.”
The 10-point plan included the following ideas:
- mass invasion from all sides – the Leftern Road East and West as well as the Tattyreagh Road North and South.
- Casually walking into houses and pretending to read the meter. Plant bugs and gather intelligence of daily habits.
- Take advantage of loose immigration laws in the area and dress up as Indians or Cowboys.
- Brainwash them into thinking Tattyreagh is actually greater Fintona and they’ll be better off. Show them gold necklaces.
- Just change the map and paint over the townland.
- Buy Tattyreagh.
- Cut off their supply of illegal brew and red diesel. Inform PSNI of rogue fuel merchants in the area.
- Ride in on horseback and lift all the women over 18 to curtail breeding.
- Poison.
- Nuclear option.
Fintona Lord Mayor Percy McKinless was unable to be contacted today but sources say they think it’s definitely not an April Fools’ prank.
Study: Only Exercise Majority Of Castlederg People Get Is When Drunk
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Castlederg Man After Flat-Out Exercise
A study involving over 3,000 adults in the Castlederg area has concluded that 72% of them only get exercise when drunk.
The study, which took place over a three-month period, interviewed a wide cross-section of the town’s residents. The inebriated exercise took a variety of forms, including dancing at weddings, stealing street signs, picking up dropped food from the floor, and pretending to be Karate Kid. Repeatedly getting up in the night to go to the toilet was also popular.
The Dergvalley Leisure Centre is now working with locals by setting up specific exercise sessions that can be undertaken by men and women under the influence of alcohol.
“We introduced volleyball last week but the match just ended up with everyone singing ‘The Fields of Athenry’”, said a spokeswoman. “Badminton fared better as long as we use the over-sized racquets, and the weightlifting was great fun, although the high diving in the adult pool ended rather tragically”.
The leisure centre plans to extend its range of classes and also its car park, owing to the number of motoring accidents caused by people turning up for the classes.
“One of the farmers from the Drumquin Road who comes to Thursday night yoga nearly drove his tractor straight into the cafeteria. We wouldn’t have minded but by the time we got to the Salute to the Sun pose, he’d fallen fast asleep on his yoga mat”.
One unnamed man from Killeter Road, responding to the study’s findings, said
“This is very unfair. We shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush. I’m drunk pretty regularly and don’t remember doing any exercise”.
The two most common forms of exercise when drunk were walking home from the pub on a Saturday night when they couldn’t stop a taxi, and vomiting.
Tyrone Children To Be Disappointed At Easter. Parents ‘Finding It Tight’.
Typical Tyrone child, Easter morning, 8am
By Gombeen
A plethora of fathers and the odd mother let rip in Quinn’ Corner last night, intimating that thousands of Tyrone children will wake up on Easter Sunday without the chocolatey surprises they took for granted waiting on them. In what initially appeared to be a series of drunken rants, children are now fearing the worst and are stocking up on Wispas and Yorkies with the intention of melting them into a roundish shape and covering it with tinfoil, in the hope of replicating the same pleasure from tearing into one hollow chocolate egg after another before vomiting. This morning, an unrepentant Ballygawley father, Iggy Kelly, refused to back down:
“I got 900 litres of oil delivered yesterday. It was nearly a pound a litre. If them weans think I’ve the money to be going out buying a dozen KitKat eggs the size of their own heads then they’re in for a mighty surprise. It’s time to end the madness. Last year the missus bought 88 Easter eggs ‘just in case’ and us with just the three children. The floors, walls, ceiling and furniture was covered in the stuff on the Monday morning and there were 80 of the bastards still left. Listen, in my day my oul fella threw us a boiled egg and a piece of blue rope and we were ecstatic. These children today expect 20 Easter eggs minimum, eat two and tramp the rest of them into the carpet. Like, did Jesus say anything about eggs?”
The local Spar reacted to the overnight developments by reducing the price of a Malteser Egg to 50p or 99p for 2 in the hope that they can counteract the sweeping movement initiated last night. Kelly was unimpressed:
“That’s another scam. These shops think we’re stupid like. When you walk in there are a pile of things with a gigantic £1 written on it, convincing you you’re getting a bargain. I saw three women in the space of 10 seconds buy a small packet of Hula Hoops for a pound, just because of the size of the sticker. Sure they’re 60p normally. I even bought one. It’s like hypnosis. Fair enough, I might buy a few of those 99p for 2 egg offers as it’s too good to miss but I’ll be putting them straight in the bin. There’s a logic in there somewhere. We cannot afford this.”
The Donaghmore Parents’ Society released a statement this morning reminding people that there are no such money worries where they come from and that they’ll be setting up an ‘egg kitchen’ to feed disappointed children from Pomeroy, Rock and Carrickmore.
Tyrone Man Claims Timberlake as ‘Loughmacrory’s Own’
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Timberlake, when asked about Gormley
Loughmacrory resident Sean Gormley from the Ballybrack Road is on a mission to claim the pop star Justin Timberlake as a bona fide son of Loughmacrory, despite strenuous denials from the singer himself.
“Everyone gets his name wrong. It’s Justin Timlin, and he’s Irish through and through. He keeps saying he comes from Memphis in Tennessee. It’s ridiculous, when everyone knows fine well he’s from the Loughmacrory Road”.
The singer, who has had acclaimed hits with ‘Cry Me A River’ and ‘Sexyback’ released a statement through his solicitor saying that he and his family can prove for the last 150 years that they were born and raised in Memphis, that Gormley should desist from pestering him and that an injunction against Gormley was currently sitting with his lawyers in Washington.
“Sure, that just proves the point” insists Gormley. “Why is he denying his birthright? Is he ashamed of Tyrone? We all know that river song was about the Lough itself. Come home Justin. You belong right here in Loughmacrory. We’ll show you a deadly night out. You can play your guitar and tunes all you want in Daly’s. They have mighty sessions there on a Friday”.
Gormley claims the Timlins were originally farmers to the north west of Loughmacrory before going to Italy for a week’s holiday in the 80s and coming back all “la-di-dah” and subsequently moving to Tennessee.
“I mind Justin when he was a wee cub on the back of his dad’s John Deere on the way to the Lough Chippy on a Saturday evening. He’s grown up into some chanter. If he just mans up and admits he’s from Loughmacrory we can claim him as Ireland’s answer to Van Morrison,” maintained Gormley.
Gormley is also looking into rumours Beyonce might have a bit of Tattyreagh in her.
Recently Discovered New Testament Book Reveals Augher Man’s Role In The Easter Story
Some handlin
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A recently discovered book not included in the New Testament bible explains the role a man from Augher played in moving the stone from the tomb of Christ.
Previously known as the Q Hypothesis, the Book of Thomas was recently found by archeologists in Egypt, which unifies the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke and explains the striking similarities between the three books, all of which share stories, phrases and even direct quotes with one another.
The transcript reveals 13 verses in Chapter 6 about a man from Ireland who was travelling close to Golgotha at the time of the entombment of Christ:
13 A man who was from the place called Augher in the Land of the Sperrins, travelled a long distance from the west. 14 His name was Eugene, and he had made a great fortune selling pallets.
15 He passed the tomb of Christ where nine men stood by the stone, looking at it. 16 He did say unto them ‘Are yous thinking about moveth thon stone?’ And they said unto him ‘Yes’. 17 And the man who was called Eugene did say back to the nine men, 18 ‘Deadly. The stone is heavy but I can help yous coup it for a lock of camels’.
19 And the ten men pushed and heaved and pushed and heaved and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but the stone did not move. 20 So the men stopped and sat and drank tea and ate wheaten and Eugene talked about the evil Clogher and after an hour stood up again. 21 Again they pushed and heaved, and they did sweat and toil, loudly shouting ‘Christ Almighty’. And lo the stone did slowly roll away.
22 The men went into the cave with Eugene and he said unto them ‘Red everything out will yiz’ but there was no sign of the Lord, 23 and the man called Eugene did say ‘This is some handlin’ brethren’. 24 Then he said unto them to go with him to a house of wine where they slaked their thirst with home spirit the man Eugene had made. 25 And there they talked in tongues and drank more spirit and lo they slowly fell to their knees and to the floor where they lay for many hours.
Eugene of Augher’s direct family are to open their family home on the Crossowen Road where people can come and look at the bed he would have slept on if he had been born 2000 years later.
Moortown’s Flash Mob Idea ‘A Damp Squid’
Seamus Quinn flashing again
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Onlookers said Moortown’s first attempt at a flash mob was shambolic and badly organised, following the disappointing spectacle on Saturday afternoon.
“I really don’t know what went wrong” said 84 year old organiser Kitty McIlvogue, of Anneeter Road. “It looked like quare craic on the television set with all the people doing the lovely dancing and everything so I thought it would be nice for Moortown to do the same”.
A flash mob is a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then quickly disperse, often for the purposes of entertainment, satire, and artistic expression.
“It said on the programme that a flash mob should be advertised through social sites,” continued Kitty, “so I put it in the church bulletin last Sunday, and a wee note has been in the window of Costcutter’s all week. When 4 o’clock arrived, there were quite a lot of people just hanging about the Battery Road looking all shifty and nervous so it was hard to know who was there for the flash mob and who wasn’t. I just don’t know. Were we maybe supposed to rehearse? Nothing happened other than dancing from John Joe Devlin, but poor John had been in McGuigan’s since opening time”.
The flash mob was eventually abandoned in chaotic scenes when Seamus Quinn of Ardboe Road realised he had misunderstood the entire concept.
“I thought it was supposed to be a ‘back to the 70s’ thing when that flashing was all the rage again. When 4 o’clock came, I threw off the old raincoat, and everyone just stared like I was a pervert. I’m not like. Not since ’84 anyway”.
Seamus was whisked away by his family in case Fr Toner arrived on the scene.
Pomeroy Council Considered Cannibalistic Contingency Plans Due To Heavy Snow
Sliding down a mountain in Pomeroy
A leaked document this morning has indicated that the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC) met up on Sunday morning to draw up armageddon proposals if the snow didn’t thaw any time soon. With all roads leading out of the quiet townland looking increasingly impassable due to the heavy drifting, the secret council met up after Mass and laid down a two-point plan in case of a worst-case scenario. They were as follows:
1. If the roads become totally impassable for more than 24 hours, a time capsule is to be filled with remnants of what life was like in Pomeroy in 2013. Suggested contents included an xbox, a Dandy yoyo, Pomeroy GAA togs, a bit of the mountain, a Wispa, a piece of hair, the Irish News and Philomena Begley.
2. The human race to be kept going as long as possible. This might necessitate eating each other. Everyone over the age of 18 is to write an essay on why they think they should not be eaten. The authors of the worst essays as judged by the council will be slaughtered and fed to the youngsters and babies as they have longer to live and might survive long enough for it to thaw. The council members will only be considered for consumption when everyone else over 18 has been eaten.
The PVC were quick to play down the meeting and its contents today. Danny Devlin, chairperson, stated:
“Ah we got a bit carried away on Sunday morning. The snow flakes were deadly and cars were queued from the bottom of Pomeroy Street to the Bawn Orange Hall. I admit we panicked. I would like to assure the people of Pomeroy that no one will be eaten. All roads seem to be open. In fact none were closed at any stage really. We’ve made a hames of this. Sorry.”
Calls for the PVC to resign en masse have fallen on deaf ears. Devlin laughed when it was put to him and muttered “I’d like to see them try make us” whilst menacingly reaching into his coat pocket and winking.
Derrytresk Man Overawed By GAA Congress Experience. Took No Notes.
Kilpatrick, twenty minutes before congress
A Derrytresk representative at the GAA Congress in Derry came home with no notes and little notion of what actually happened. Sunday morning’s feedback session down at the Hill was hastily abandoned after it became clear that Mr Kilpatrick had underestimated the importance of the event. Derrytresk had tabled a motion that all county grounds should have official lockers for punters to store stuff in especially women with their handbags and other toiletries. Even though it was not expected to pass, Kilpatrick’s inability to recognise his own club’s motion didn’t help matters and it was resoundly defeated by a 100% NO vote which indicated that the Hill man himself also voted against it.
“Ah it was deadly confusing. We all met up the night before for a few drinks and I was a bit overawed to be talking to Brolly and Burns and that sort of boy. I slapped a pup’s feed of stout into me and the last think I remembered was singing ‘Will Ye Come To The Bower’ with Cuthbert Donnelly at 3am. I woke up like a bear and finally made it to the place just as the first motion was to start. They handed me this remote thing with a rake of numbers on it and with my head banging I was deadly confused and just started pushing buttons.”
When pressed on how the Derrytresk motion failed with a 100% No vote, Kilpatrick was brutally honest.
“Aye, I voted against our own motion. Sure by that stage I was retching and sweating with the thirst. All I could see were these boys with iPads and smartphones and red pens writing away with mad accents from all over Ireland and beyond. I knew I was out of my depth and just wanted out of there. By the time they asked me to speak on my motion I was fast asleep with my finger on the no button. I haven’t a clue what happened to be honest.”
One positive though was that he thinks Brolly said he’d present medals to lads if they won anything this year but can’t be sure if that definitely happened.
Galbally’s Got Talent Standard Underwhelming Says Organisers. Drunk Alphabet Man Wins Again.
Galbally, this morning
For the third year year running, Gerry Talbot won the Annual Galbally’s Got Talent competition in the Parochial Hall with his ‘saying the alphabet backwards after a half bottle’ routine. Organisers were hoping for an improvement in the overall quality of entrants following disappointing viewing numbers for last year’s final when Talbot beat off Katy Hurson who made a lasagne in twenty minutes. Their hopes were dashed with the first act as Frank Loughran sang the nursery rhyme ‘Rock-a-bye-baby’, missing out most of the words.
“I don’t think we’ll do another one”, claimed chairman Lisa Teague. “There are only so many times we can acclaim Gerry as our best talent. To say the alphabet backwards is great, and to do it whilst tipsy is admirable, but you’d really think he’d develop his act, like. That’s three years solid he has lifted the trophy doing the same thing. What’s more bewildering was the rapturous applause he received again after he did his bit. I know he does a bit of home-brewing but I didn’t think he was that important. Seems he is.”
Teague detailed some of the other competitors whilst sounding a warning regarding the future of the event:
“In second place this year was Jason Peoples who brought his dog onstage. That was it. Bringing the dog onstage was his talent. Like for Jaysus sake. People even applauded that. In third place was Yori Hussanni, our Portuguese resident. He came on and pointed at objects whilst naming them in his native tongue. At least we think he was. Mickey Murphy just soloed a ball in his Tyrone top. He got a few boos for that. Paddy Tally read out his best lecture notes. It was all a bit subdued to be honest. I can’t see it happening next year.”
As well as the trophy, Talbot received a ten-pound voucher to be spent in the local convenience store.
International Reaction To Black Card Ruling In GAA
A black card will be used in gaelic football from January next year. Motion 4 proposed that a new ‘black card’ be introduced to deal with a specific category of foul, relating to ‘cynical behaviour’ and was passed with a 82% majority at the GAA Annual Congress in Derry today. We gauged reaction to the historic decision across the globe:
“Hell yea! Delighted to hear the dudes in Derry passed this. A victory for democracy. We need to show the dissenters the error of their ways. Had this not been passed we would have considered air strikes on the new Garvaghey complex. Here, I bet you Ricey’s glad he retired when he did.” PRESIDENT OBAMA, USA
“Bastards, hi!” NADINE COYLE, DERRY
“Mmmm. Do you know who’s been given the gig for making the black cards? Interesting.” SEAN QUINN, FERMANAGH
“O mama. This is just the beginning. Get me in and I’ll have a baseball-type musical jingle as the ref digs around looking for the correct card. Will it be red? The music builds. Will it be yellow. Faster, faster. It’s black. Pantomime booing. Great TV. I like the idea of the hooter at the end. I’ll get women in hooter T-shirts to do it. Kerching! Nailed it!” LOUIS WALSH, MANCHESTER
“I’m undecided. Up the Carmen.” POPE FRANCIS, ROME
“What colour will the black cards be? I hope it’s pink. I love pink.” JORDAN, ESSEX
“Abusive language? Does that include ‘nordie bastards’? BONO, DUBLIN
“You can’t say black!” JOHN TERRY, LONDON
“I hope Conor Gormley brings a cushion to the games. He’ll be spending some time sitting on benches. Cute though.” KATY PERRY, CALIFORNIA
More Snow In Kildress Than In Arctic. Eskimo Settlers Mostly Welcomed.
Breaktime at Kildress P.S.
In their latest newsletter, Nasa scientists have confirmed that Kildress is the most snow-covered area on the planet, beating both polar regions, Siberia and Alaska into the bargain. In an example of its tendency to attract crystalline water-ice, a flash flood on Thursday morning saw three feet of snow fall in ten minutes in the area although it was never reported in the news due to the BBCs policy of avoiding Kildress. The 2011 census revealed that there are now 600 eskimos living in and around the Omagh Road, a statistic welcomed by local PR man Jake McClane.
“It’s a match made in heaven. These wee eskimos are bringing great trade to the local shop. They’re constantly buying chisels, fish, animal hides, kayaks and Husky dogs – things we’ve always traditionally stocked here. We get on tarra well too. The language seems to be amazingly similar. They do a lot of ‘umm’, ‘ooooh’, ‘amm’ and ‘me want ham’ and sure we’re just the same. We seem to understand each other perfectly. They also jump up and down a lot beating their chest whilst wrecking things – hey presto – so do we. It’s deadly.”
Archeologists are now looking into the theory that Kildress might have been an early Eskimo or Inuit settlement 4000 years ago, attracted by the unique micro-climate of the area. Another remarkable connection was uncovered last month when ancient Eskimo poetry was translated by Seamus Heaney which identified their word for ‘eternal happiness’ or ‘paradise’ as ‘Kildress’.
“I can’t deny there has been some protests from the Kildress Independent Front but sure those two boys are harmless enough. They’ll soften their stance when they see young Aipaloovik Alacatchi line out for the Wolfe Tones’ Under 14s this year. He’s a hardy wee footballer. Takes no crap. Great hands.”
The Kildress Inn are holding a cultural weekend of arctic festivities including sleigh-racing, snowball-rolling and the building of a five foot igloo on the pitch itself which is sure to pull in great crowds.
Benburb Man Doesn’t Like Champ. Mixed Reception.
No more for Rafferty’s mouth
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A 28-year old Benburb joiner finally admitted to his family yesterday lunchtime that he doesn’t like champ, and never has. Aiden Rafferty’s dramatic ‘coming out’ occurred during a chicken roast dinner at his ma’s house in the Tullydowey Road before Eastenders on RTE, when he finally plucked up the courage to tell his father Tom, mother Mary, and two sisters Roisin and Rachel.
“Growing up I knew I was different to the other kids,” said Rafferty. “They were all just horsing the champ into them like mad and I just wasn’t like that. I was always confused about my feelings towards the potato. Some of the kids used to call me hurtful names, ‘potater hater’ and all that. I tried to ignore the cruel jibes but it was never easy, especially the Dungannon ones at the Academy.”
It has emerged that his family are still adjusting to the news. Late last night a fight was reportedly broken up outside the Benburb Arms involving Tom Rafferty who reacted violently to a bit of gentle slagging about his ‘champion son’ and other potato-related puns.
“When I told my da he just stood up and walked out the room. He only came back when mum brought out the Blue Ribands. He hasn’t talked to me since. I think it’s hard for him to accept me as I am, him being originally from Eglish and all. My mum has been more supportive, and my sister Roisin said that she always suspected I didn’t like champ. I’ve been keeping this inside me for so long, I can now be true to myself and get tore into the basmati rice whenever I like”.
Some locals have reacted badly to the news, calling for Rafferty to be chased out of the townland to somewhere like Donaghmore or Castlecaulfield where other fussy food people live in relevant harmony. Others have welcomed the news, intimating that it will help Benburb stumble into the 21st century.
Rafferty is currently receiving support and counselling from the Champ & Colcannon Aversion Trust in Craigavon, which helps those with potato disinclination. Anyone affected by this article can contact them on 02980 665887.
Grave Error Sees Inebriated Carrickmore Priest Almost Bury Twelve Live Men At Funeral
Artist’s impression
A calamitous series of mix-ups resulted in twelve Carrickmore parishoners fearing the worst as a clearly intoxicated Fr Pollox got confused during the burial of pensioner Caster McCloy this morning. McCloy, a local character and hero to many in Carrickmore due to his dual role as local area doctor and manager of the underage teams, was mourned by over 1000 attendees according to eyewitness reports. Burial proceedings were held up when Fr Pollox, especially requested to carry out the final resting place holy orders, had to be retrieved from the nearby pub after a marathon 12-hour drinking binge.
“Ah poor Fr Pollox,” family friend Francie Gormley told us, “He was tarra fond of oul Caster. It was a hard blow for him and he took to the batter throughout the wake. He was in some shape when he arrived by the graveside. On three occasions, the altar boys prevented him from falling in himself by houling on to his vestments. It was a sorry state of affairs with the wailing in the congregation coupled with the burping and rifting coming from the good Father himself.”
The obviously disorientated cleryman mixed up the deceased’s name at least a dozen times and on every occasion a grief-stricken mourner would leap in to the freshly dug grave, too delirious with sorrow to question his orders.
“I hadn’t seen anything like it. I think the first one was when the Father said ‘we are here to bury Seamie the Red Boy’ and sure didn’t Seamus take a buck leap into the grave. Following him at 2-3 minute intervals was Jake Morrow, Pat Lundy, Dan McCann, Peader Horner, Marty McAliskey, Leo Burden, Henry McNally, Norm Kelly, Brendan Savage, Paul O’Brien and oul Joe Ryan and him 94. I don’t know whether it’s the encompassing effect of mass lamentation or the power of the clergy but there were 12 men standing in the grave with the coffin as Fr Pollox threw soil on them. Even better, didn’t members of Caster’s family throw muck on them too. It wasn’t until the wife of Seamie the Red Boy pulled him out that we woke out of our stupor. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Castor McCloy was eventually laid to rest after two hours of pulling men out. Reports of a missing Norm Kelly have sparked fears he might still be in there.
Tyrone Tribulations 