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Tyrone Standing By Decision To Appoint Umpire With Turned-In Eyes
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.
The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.
Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.
First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:
“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”
Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.
Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.
Derrytresk Man Goes Public After Winning £25 on Lotto
McNeill celebrates in Cohannon Inn
A Derrytresk stove-fitter has admitted to experiencing an unbearable level of stress in the aftermath of a £25 windfall in the weekend’s UK Lottery, forcing him to call a media conference to announce his stroke of luck.
Terence McNeill, who claims to have been on the receiving end of dirty looks since the rumour started, admitted he may move away from the area or at least go on a long holiday to Bundoran or even further.
At the press meeting near Tamnamore Roundabout, McNeill revealed how he managed to land the winnings, whilst spraying the assembled photographers with a magnum of Shloer:
“It was the numbers 1, 2 and 3 that got me the money. I always choose those numbers as I remember they were the first numbers I was taught in school. I couldn’t sleep that night but believe it or not I thought I’d won only a tenner. I didn’t know it had gone up til £25. Nearly had a heart attack when the woman handed me the money in the Spar.”
Word soon got out in the sleepy town-land of the influx of wealth, leaving McNeill feeling ‘alone’ and ‘confused’.
“I could overhear people saying things like ‘who does that hoor think he is?’ or ‘stuffy-nosed oul bollocks’ and stuff like that. Then came the beggars from the Church, the GAA club and the local gay and lesbian society. I had to call this conference to announce I’m giving nothing to anyone and for locals to respect my privacy. Just feck off.”
The Spar have cashed in on the winning ticket exposure by erecting a temporary sign with the words ‘Big Lotto Winner Bought It Here’ and putting on a 2-HP Sauce-for-1 deal.
Meanwhile, Edendork’s Jarly Hanson has fled his home after clinching the £20 snowball at Edendork Hall bingo last week.
Panic Subsides As Man Lost In The Bush Is Found In Filling Station Near Coalisland
The Bush
Despite fears for his safety, an Edendork man who had been lost in The Bush since Monday (yesterday) was found today merrily eating a sausage roll inside a filling station on the outskirts of Coalisland.
The good news mirrors another story emanating from Australia last week when a woman also emerged from the bush after being lost for over two weeks, although it is said that Tyrone’s Bush is much more hazardous than the Australian one.
Patsy Farrell, a computer user from Edendork, got lost in The Bush after heading out to get some veda bread and a packet of dishwasher tablets:
“Eff me, I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I took a wrong turn at the Mullaghteige Road near Mulmuf’s exhaust silencer shop and ended up parked on the side of the road as there’s no signal there and the GPS woman was telling me I was in Dungannon, which I wasn’t. I just kept still til someone found me and survived on Polo Mints and water. It was touch and go.”
Farrell went on to explain what he experienced during the ordeal:
“The noises at night time scared me. You’d hear whistles and yahooing and men shouting ‘come here ye blade ye’ in fields and women laughing and giggling and saying ‘will ye quit, he’ll be home soon’ and other stuff like that. It was like something out of a Spielberg movie. I was just glad to see light and thanked God that he’d given me another day. The milkman stopped and gave me directions back to Edendork which I headed to after a sausage roll in Coalisland.”
Farrell promises to write about his experiences in The Bush and BBC are looking to serialise it with Colin Farrell (no relation) reportedly eager to take up the lead role.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Primate Dixon Thought To Have Been Just ‘a very clever chimpanzee’
By Aughoughilley SchnifflesRumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
The new Brackaville ghosts
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
Edendork Hall To Become Muslim Community Centre/Mosque
Edendork Mosque?
There was great excitement today in amongst Ulster’s Muslims after it was revealed that Edendork parish have decided to offer the Hall entirely to the Muslim community from September onwards, as long as they play bingo in it at least once a month.
Following the recent controversies in Belfast and the ill-judged remarks from pastors and politicians, the 4,000 strong Muslim community have been looking for a community centre for general cultural gatherings. The hall, which was once described as ‘a little piece of Italy in Tyrone’ by someone, will also double up as a Mosque. The chance to clean up with grants was a deciding factor in the decision.
Dungannon Muslim, Hous Bin Pharteen, was ecstatic at the news:
“This is deadly. We were hiring out a disused shed around the back of the defunct Tyrone Brick for praying and stuff but this moves us into view for the whole of the province. It’s such a beautiful building. Those who say it’s the ugliest structure in Ireland are slabbers.”
Opposition to the Mosque has come from nearby engineering firm Hurson and Sons. Company CEO Jimmy Hurson predicts issues over a work-shy workforce at his clay-making business 500 yards from the hall:
“Don’t get me wrong. I think Muslims are a great bunch of lads. However, my workers will only pretend get confused when the adhān (Muslim call to prayer) is played by that boy in the trumpet. To get one tae break a day is plentiful. I can see these boys, mostly from Coalisland and Clonoe, bringing in 10 lunches and downing tools every time the bugle is sounded.”
After it was pointed out that the call to prayer is recited, probably by loudspeaker, and not played on a musical instrument, Hurson remained doubtful:
“Anyway, with the adhān to be played 5 times a day, I fear my workers will suddenly become Muslims in order to skive off work. They’ll find a way to screw me. I know them.”
Local residents have been assured that if they send one of the Muslims to McCann’s shop for a packet of Paris Buns or a Knutty Krust, the correct change will come back as predicted by First Minister Peter Robinson.
There are also high hopes South Tyrone Hospital may reopen due to the predicted influx of doctors and surgeons into mid-Ulster.
Coalisland TV Presenter Sacked. Again.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local Coalisland man who lost his job as a weatherman and also as children’s TV presenter, was sacked earlier today, for trying yet again as a weatherman on new channel Irish TV.
Henry Savage, from Brackaville Road, was given the job at short notice following the unexpected departure of the previous weatherman. He explained,
“The boy who was supposed to get the weather job suddenly backed out down because he had to rush off to London in a hurry. I think he was changing jobs to a tree surgeon because he mentioned something about a yewtree. Anyway, I was in there like a shot. There’s not much you can teach me about the weather hi”.
However, it quickly became apparent to studio bosses that this was far from the case, and that Savage’s grasp of simple meteorological principles was practically non-existent.
“We had a couple of wee thunderstorms over the weekend there”, said programme scheduler Moira McGurk, “And Savage told viewers that it was because ‘the clouds kept banging together’. For the love of God”.
The live broadcast continued, with Savage instructing,
“Thon trees in Parkanaur are making lots of wind tonight, so wrap up tight. And if you do see the thunderstorm coming, just rush out of the house and start screaming at it. They frighten easily and it’ll probably just move off to the next town”.
In his defence, Savage barked:
“All that stuff about the high fronts and the low fronts is just stuff made up by meteorologists to confuse people. Rain is rain. Anyone in Tyrone knows that. No point going on and on about types of cloud or precipitation or some such nonsense, when everyone knows rain is just the angels crying tears of happiness”.
The studio’s problems became clear during last night’s live broadcast, with Savage telling viewers,
“Ah’m tellin’ yez, last night my yolk was acting up something tara, so it’s a sure sign that there’s quare sunny weather on the way. And have yiz seen the sunset over Clonoe? All I can say is, red sky at night shepherd’s delight. No, hold on. Is it rainbow instead of red sky? Jays, it can be confusing. Ah sure, what do the feckin’ shepherds know anyway? They should keep their noses out of it. Besides, it’s not going to be sunny everywhere. The cattle in Edendork are getting tore into the cud like nobody’s business, which means the rain’ll be shitting it down in Drumquin by lunchtime tomorrow”.
Savage in his final broadcast earlier this morning, confirmed that he expected the forecast for tonight to be ‘dark’.
Wife Made Husband Push Car For 8 Miles
Down the Derrytresk Road
In a fit of revenge for arriving in the house the previous night heavily inebriated, Derrytresk woman Kitty Devlin exacted revenge by making her worse-for-wear husband Kevin push their 1996 Volkswagen GTi eight miles from Dungannon to Derryvarne in the townland last month.
The Devlins had made the trip to Boots the Chemist in The Oaks Centre Dungannon early that morning to pick up a bag of cheap women’s leg razors and Lynx deodorant for their children, despite Mr Devlin’s hungover condition.
Kitty confirmed:
“He came in roaring and singing the night before from a whist drive night in Maghery, waking the whole house up. Then he moaned the whole way to Dungannon that morning about the fact that none of the windows opened in the motor and him feeling sick. It was whilst browsing through shower gels that I concocted my plan to make him pay for the late night drunken antics.”
On returning to the car, Mrs Devlin pretended to start the motor, claiming the battery was dead and for her husband to give it a push start.
“Little did the bollocks know but I had her in 5th gear the whole way home. I kept bellowing at him to keep er lit as it was near catching. I had no intention of starting that engine. Even when he threw up four times, at Edendork, Coalisland, Clonoe pitch and Annaghmore School I felt no sympathy. That’ll learn him.”
Kitty finally started the car in second gear less than 50 yards from their house and sped off, leaving her husband in a quare state according to neighbour Jimmy Quinn:
“I’ve never seen a vision like it. His face as red as the fiery pits of hell and him covered in vomit. A bad doing by Kitty who’s 18 stone but sure the wemen now are lethal. That’s lethal in a bad way I mean.”
Mr Devlin has since stayed on the wagon, lost two stone and is considering starting a new fitness fad called ‘push starting a car in 5th gear’.
Brolly To Star In Washingbaywatch After Controversial Comments
On our screens this summer
Following the uproar and public apology over Joe Brolly’s comments on Rachel Wyse’s appointment as the Sky Sports GAA presenter, the Dungiven man is to prove he has turned over a new leaf by staring in a 3-part action drama on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Brolly will play Butch Colcannon, a lifeguard stationed down at the Washingbay in East Tyrone, who makes sure stray female bathers don’t get caught up in weeds or strangled by eels from the Sargasso Sea.
The show’s PR agent Danny Donnelly is sure that this mini-series will shunt Brolly back into everyone’s good books:
“Joe really wants to prove to the Irish audience that he’s a dead-on guy. His appearance as Butch Colcannon will win back the hearts of the housewife and the respect of the husband. Joe has already been receiving expert training from American navy seals and can now comfortably diffuse an underwater bomb designed to obliterate a shoal of whales who accidentally swim up the Bann. That sort of gives away the second episode but I just wanted to highlight how serious he is taking this.”
Butch’s love interest, a hairdresser from Brackaville who rekindles a friendship they had when a young Butch used to throw stones with her at the Brits in the village whilst holidaying there in the early 70s, is to be played by Miss Edendork 1988 Jackie Mallon who also holds a 20m swimming badge from Dungannon Leisure Centre.
Donnelly added:
“Joe will come across as someone who is accepting of women in powerful jobs, homosexuality, ethnic minorities, the Cavanaghs, cats, the Chinese, Bellaghy ones, Jews, transvestites, leprechauns, county music, the DUP, bald people, soccer fans and many others in the three episodes. It’ll be what the doctor ordered.”
Episode one of Washingbaywatch will be filmed at the shore this weekend. See BBC Traffic Watch for road closures.
Tyrone GAA Player May Quit Over Quality Of Birthday Cake
This year’s, and maybe last year’s, cake
An unnamed Tyrone player is said to be sitting at home ‘hopping mad’ after it was revealed he was presented with a caterpillar birthday cake for his 32nd birthday, for the second year running.
The Carrickmore defender, whose identity is being kept under wraps, was presented with the cake after training on Tuesday night in the changing rooms ahead of their preliminary round replay against Down this weekend.
A source close to the team revealed how the iconic defender initially reacted with indifference before launching a four-lettered tirade against the management and fellow players.
“Flip, he lost it. The worst thing about it was the cake might have been the same one as last year. I remember the mouth fell off last year and this one had no gob too. I think what really pissed him off was the Happy Birthday song. Only a couple half-heartedly sang it and it had completely tailed off by the time his name was mentioned.”
In a remarkable fit of temper, the player lifted the cake and flung it against the wall above the head of the assistant manager. Embarrassingly, the cake bounced back off the wall and struck the ageing Carrickmore man on the groin, causing a ripple of giggles from the younger players in the squad.
“He nearly took the head clean off one of our nippy forwards who was smirking at the bouncing cake. I really thought the Edendork finisher wasn’t going to make it out of that changing room upright. Luckily, the boss produced a party popper with streamers and that seemed to settle the veteran. He stopped effing.”
Since the incident, the Tyrone County Board have drawn up watertight birthday procedures which includes a bouncy slide to be placed at the side of the pitch for jollification after training. Clowns will also be employed with many inter-county referees filling in there.
Lions, Not Boars, Once Roamed Edendork
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
New Edendork St Malachy’s crest?
Channel 4’s Time Team have descended just outside Dungannon to reveal ancient animal remains which confirm that Edendork was in fact once a land roamed by a pride of lions.
Tony Robinson and the other trampy looking fella have been involved in digs on a hill behind Edendork chapel since Easter Sunday, unearthing remarkably well preserved and fully intact skeletal remains of the massive wild cats, once king of the land.
The hamlet of Edendork, which translates from Irish as “The Hill of the Boar”, is in fact as it turns out a slightly inaccurate historical representation as the newly discovered bones reveal. It was in fact carnivorous felines, rather than swine, which once held pride of place in the locality.
Local curate Father Simba Ntacubme has been delighted with the find – as long as the dig doesn’t continue south into the confines of the graveyard.
“Its totally amazing!” he exclaimed “This is exactly what this parish needs. It’s a totally new way of bringing in revenue, as the church plate has been very barren of late… I have no need for any more buttons- put it that way.”
Father Ntacubme has already printed 1000 “Totally Edendork” t-shirts and 500 “Totally Edendork” mugs which he hopes to sell to the droves of tourists expected from as far away afield as Killeeshil. The dig site is predicted to rival Powerscreen and the former Tyrone Crystal factory as the new popular attraction in the area.
Edendork Primary School’s headmaster David Attenbrie’s plan to host a ‘hands-on’ session with a live lion in the playground next week have been described as “utter recklessness” by the SELB.
The local GAA club committee are to hold an emergency meeting in the coming days to see if the club crest will be changed considering the revelation, and are reportedly seeking a six figure sponsorship sum for their senior and reserve jerseys from any Nestle chocolate bar.
Rumours that Time Team were initially actually brought in to dig for lost ‘Snowball’ prize fund monies from the Edendork Hall’s successful bingo days were rubbished by Father Ntacubme.
Brocagh Woman Admitted To Hospital; Can’t Stop Making Sandwiches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Brocagh woman spent last night in Dungannon hospital after a marked increase in her addiction to making sandwiches for anyone passing within shouting distance of her house.
Authorities were called to 62-year old Deirdre McFarland’s house in Mountjoy Road after a visiting neighbour, 58 year old Aileen Hughes, was plied with so many sandwiches that she herself was rushed to hospital with a suspected ruptured stomach.
Medical experts are concerned that the condition may be a genetic affliction and could in fact affect many women in Tyrone, particularly older women.
“That’s right”, confirmed hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “People should look out for the warning signs. Constantly making people cups of tea is usually the first stage, then it’s the sandwiches, and before you know it, it’s like a full-blown episode of Father Ted”.
Neighbours admitted that they suspected McFarland’s addiction for some time.
“Aye, she’s afeared of being thought of as tight, so she goes over the top. I saw the oil delivery man go in last week and five minutes later heard Deirdre shouting, ‘Go on, horse it into ya, Cynthia’ at the top of her voice”.
Worse was to come for the unsuspecting oil man, as 31-year old Seamie McNamara from Granville explained:
“She offered me a sandwich when I went to get the cheque, so I insisted on just having a cup of tay in ma haun, but lo and behold five minutes later out came this big clatter of ham and tomato sarnies. I wouldn’t have minded but I was only five minutes out of Cabragh Filling Station so I’d already had a mighty feed. I didn’t want to offend her so I tried my best to get four or five of them down me, just to show willing like. I thought I had done my bit, but then did she not go into the kitchen and come out with more. She thought I was bloody starving. I didn’t think it through. There must have been about a pint of salad cream in them cheese sandwiches. Tara. I near passed out. There’s only so much wheaten and Kerrygold a man can take”.
Reports this morning confirmed that McFarland’s postman had previously made a formal complaint after his weight ballooned by three stone in as many months after succumbing to her hospitality.
Spike In Sales Of Cords And Check Shirts After Paltrow Break-Up
Tyronnies in with a chance?
Retailers from across the county have reported a massive hike in sales of ‘going out’ clothes ever since American actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced the end of her marriage to her husband and Coldplay band member Chris Martin.
Paltrow’s announcement appears to have pricked the ears of many single men between the ages of 21-59 from Strabane to Brocagh, with many citing the fact that she goes for boys with plain names being a case for optimism.
Pat Quinn, a 33-year old boiler servicer from Gortin, admits he was straight onto the Next clothes website as soon as he heard the sad news:
“I spent £300 in the space of half an hour. Three pairs of cords (brown, black and navy), 12 check shirts and a pair of DMs. That should see me going out every weekend for the rest of the year and you just never know. I have a nice two-syllable name and if the Paltrow girl happens to be popping in for a quick pint in Mosseys any time soon, I’ll be looking the part. High hopes, like.”
Gerard King (51) from Edendork, who boasts celebrity past conquests including a second cousin of Finbar Furey and a girl who met Boris Becker, reckons he has the X-Factor to win the 41-year old Los Angeles girl’s heart:
“I seem to attract the great and the good. Just last year I curted a girl who went to school with Liam Neeson’s family gardener’s nephew. If I can get the Paltrow girl down to the bingo hall I’m sure that the Old Spice will work its magic again. Imagine having a girl called Gwyneth walking around Edendork on the end of your arm. You’d be deadly proud.”
In other news, women across the county have not reacted excitedly to the news of Chris Martin’s availability, with one informing us he sounded like ‘someone from Eglish or something’.
Jiving Injuries Getting Worse As Brooks Concert Approaches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Hospital authorities across the county have issued a plea to Tyrone residents to ‘calm down a bit’ on the dancing, as a four-fold increase in ‘jiving-related injuries’ put hospital services at breaking point at the weekend.
It is thought that the increasing popularity of local singers such as Nathan Carter, Derek Ryan and Lisa McHugh, combined with the forthcoming Garth Crooks concerts, have thrown residents into a frenzy of what many have euphemistically referred to as ‘dancing’.
“We’re on high alert”, admitted hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “It’s like a bizarre but very worrying form of hypnosis, particularly in some of the men. Put on ten seconds of ‘Wagon Wheel’, and suddenly they’re thirty years younger and John Travolta. You should see them. At best it’s 250 quid off of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and at worse a 10-day spell in traction. Have they no sense? What makes them think that if their hips are clicking one minute, they can do a back flip the next? Holy Smokes”.
Crisis point was reached following the announcement of the Garth Brooks tour dates.
“Since then, we’re just swamped with injuries”, said Quinn. “Last Friday night we had admissions of a whole lock of different accidents at pubs and clubs, from dislocated wrists to sprained backs, locked knees, and broken ankles. And that’s just from people getting out of their stools. The actual jiving injuries were even worse”.
Authorities now fear that the outbreak has spread to domestic premises.
“We’re getting more and more call-outs to people’s homes”, admitted paramedic Aiden Mullan from Trillick. “We got an emergency call to Urney last Thursday and were treating this one boy for convulsions. Turns out that was just him tryin’ to throw some shapes to ‘Friends in Low Places’. Jaysus, we thought he had swallowed his tongue. And then on Sunday, this one in Seskinore had grabbed his missus after Sunday lunch when ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ came on the radio. He tried to spin her round and ended up catapulting her straight through the conservatory window. Poor woman. We were picking glass out of her arse for hours”.
Hospital authorities have confirmed that they are to remain on high alert throughout spring or ‘until people wise up’. Meantime, radio broadcasters have been cautioned against ‘inciting people to jive’, with Hugo Duncan having already received a formal reprimand for deliberately playing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ without a health warning.
Pope Warns Garth Brooks ‘No More Concerts In Ireland’
NO MORE CONCERTS!
Following the news that Garth Brooks has sold out for a fifth night in Ireland this summer, the Vatican have sent a stark warning to Brooks’ PR team that they will take a dim view of any more concerts, which threatens to break the Pope’s record of a 3 million audience in 1979.
Brooks will play to almost half a million fans in July and music experts reckons he could sell out 10 times that if he really wanted to, although today’s statement from Pope Francis has put an end to that idea promptly. A Vatican insider, nicknamed Fr Hurson from Edendork Co Tyrone, told us:
“Yes, we take great pride in the 3 million Pope John Paul II pulled in in 1979. If Brooks thinks he can ride in on his stetson and top that then he’s deluded. Just in case he is a Catholic, we will excommunicate him if he has any more concerts. We have friends in high places, Brooks.”
Fr Hurson continued:
“Like, he’s being a bit of a dick about this. JPII pulled in 300’000 in Galway alone. Let’s see Brooks do that on a cold windy day in Tuam. Some chance. That day, tomorrow or not, will never come. Pope Francis is ripping about this.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk GAA are confident they can secure the presence of Brooks for the opening of their third Guinness pump in the bar during his stay in the country. Club secretary Hughie Hanna is cocksure of his services:
“We emailed him last week and asked would he come to the Hill for the unveiling of the third Guinness pump in the clubrooms. He hasn’t replied but as my ma used to say ‘no news is good news’ so we’re fairly sure he’ll do it. He’ll get sandwiches and mineral and maybe he’ll hum us a tune or two.”
Doubts Cast On Educational Value Of Priests’ Trip To Beer Festival In Germany
1954 trip to Germany
A group of priests from the Clogher Diocese have been accused of wasting parishioners’ donations after they attended a three-day beer festival in Germany last week. The 20-strong group strenuously maintain the purpose of the visit was simply educational as they were gathering vital info on ‘what young one are into these days‘ and that they also attended Mass every day ‘so it wasn’t all fun and games.’
Fr Hurson, PP of Edendork, attended the weekend and was first to face the press, wearing dark sunglasses and talking rather gruffly:
“I’m shocked and dismayed at these allegations. You can’t accuse us of not being in touch with the younger generation and then as soon as we make an attempt to integrate ourselves we’re castigated for over-indulgence. There was none of that. The lads averaged 10 pints a day and that’s not that bad when you consider we were on the batter from 12pm tip midnight each night.”
Archbishop Devlin, originally from Greencastle, re-endorsed this stance:
“This is a yearly tradition and a valuable insight into modern things. The boys brought home some very interesting observations about the effects of German beer on the mind as well as a few samples for us in the hierarchy. And it must be said, the Germans can make a fine brew.”
Kitty Graham, an avid mass-goer from Tattyreagh, was not convinced of the educational value of such a junket:
“These boys are some craic. I was at mass this morning and one of the culprits, Fr Loughran, was in no fit state to say it. He completely missed out the gospel, make a terrible knock knock joke and was in really bad form with one of the altar boys who sneezed. He seemed badly hungover.”
Clogher official Bishop Farry has cancelled next month’s expedition to Amsterdam.
Edendork Pipe Band To Open 2014 World Cup
Edendork man celebrates news
Tyrone is to be firmly put on the world map after Edendork Pipe Band received confirmation that they’ll parade Brazil and Croatia around the field in Sao Paulo at the opening game in the 2014 World Cup.
Pipe Major Jemmy O’Neill wasn’t overly surprised at the news:
“When we applied we had a fair idea we’d get the nod. I know there were 69’000 bands who applied from all over the world but I think when they saw a video of us parading the Ladies Football teams of Carrickmore and Coalisland around the Brackaville field last month they knew they were on to a good thing.”
O’Neill is adamant that locals will dig deep to raise the £150’000 needed to fly the entire band, instruments, WAGS and husbands over next June:
“I’m sure we’ll raise the money no bother. For the next 6 months we’ll have a man standing outside the entrance to Tyrone Brick with an empty Quality Street so drivers can slow down and toss in coppers and loose change. We’ll also be selling ballots around houses around Christmas. Tickets cost £100 and you can win a lifetime’s supply of bricks from what was left in the old factory.”
This is not the first time a Tyrone band has performed at a major sporting event. In 1984, Cloughfin played The Star Spangled Banner for Carl Lewis at his medal ceremony for the 100m during the Los Angeles Olympics. O’Neill reckons they’ll learn from Cloughfin’s experience:
“I was a member of Cloughfin and we never forgot they way we were treated. Not one sandwich was laid on after our performance. Not one. They thought the £80’000 fee would sweeten us but all we wanted were corned beef sandwiches. Eff Los Angeles we said. This time we’re taking no chances and bringing half a million sandwiches with us.”
O’Neill now becomes the first man to play at the World Cup, Olympics and the Tyrone Ladies Final.
Excuses For Sick Leave Becoming More Preposterous As Council Worker Absenteeism Increases
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Management at Dungannon & South Tyrone Borough Council fear an epidemic of sick workers following news last week that the council staff have an absenteeism rate amongst the highest in the 26 Councils in the North.
Head Councillor Liam O’Donoghue said,
“This has to stop. We’re far too lenient with staff with some of the daft excuses they’re coming up with. I fully intend to deal with the situation, firmly and decisively, just as soon as I get back to work after I bit my tongue last week. It’s really sore you know. I was off on Friday and I could scarcely concentrate on watching the entire Godfather trilogy. It was that bad. Ouch”.
Staff however have protested that the absences are legitimate, and that the Council should be more supportive.
Brian Guthrie, a red tape winder from Caledon said,
“I know I was off all day yesterday, but I tried to get out of bed and my duvet wouldn’t let me. It’s the truth. People think that they climb into bed and the duvet warms them up. Mine doesn’t. It’s the other buckin way around. It’s me that heats the duvet up, and the damn thing knows it full well. It would only let me go once the central heating came on. Narra escape boys, narra escape”.
Marty Murdock, from Galbally, was also off sick at the beginning of this week.
“I couldn’t face going to work on Monday. Jaysus, I had the tara sweats and my head was pounding. I won’t go into the detail but I was in trouble at both ends. I was in Tally’s for a few hours the night before and I think it might have been a bad salted peanut or something. That must have been it, because I didn’t eat anything else. Or I don’t think I did. To be honest I can’t remember a thing”.
Joe McSorley, a scribe from Edendork also had a sorry tale of woe.
“Killeeshil lost to Emyvale on Saturday night at the Junior Championship Final. Do you know how hard that can be to recover from? I couldn’t face it. No wonder I was off on Monday and Tuesday. It would be even worse if I was a fan or I actually liked football”.
Other reasons for staff not turning up at work include life-threatening paper cuts, sore hair, getting lost on the way to work, not being able to decide what to wear, and being kept captive inside their house by a swarm of midges.
Tyrone In Manic State At Rumours Of Garth Brooks Comeback Concert
Bound for Ballygawley?
Following the news that Garth Brooks might embark on a comeback world tour next year, Stormont officials fear that the whole county of Tyrone will go into shutdown for 12 months. Scientists in Queens University recently discovered that 99% of Tyrone residents start humming, clicking their fingers or drum the steering wheel as soon as a Brooks song comes on the radio with a remarkable 55% breaking into spontaneous line dancing in the kitchen in full view of family and visitors.
Sinn Fein’s Wolfe Tone McGahey told us:
“We’re very worried. There’ll not be a cow milked for a year, a boiler fixed or diesel sucked. As soon as word came out that he might be embarking on this tour, I immediately took a scoot down to Loughmacrory and sure enough every household had dug out their old tape recordings and were blasting out Friends In Low Places with men who should know better dancing and yahooing in their gardens in jeans turned up at the bottom. That county will coup next year.”
McGahey confirmed that they’ve already contacted the UN to see if they’ll send troops into Tyrone in 2014 to get people to go to work and turn off their wirelesses:
“We know exactly what’ll happen. As soon as it turns 2014, Tyronnies will know that’s the year Brooks comes to Ireland and they’ll be playing his stuff morning, noon and night to get ‘geared up’ for it. The Dance will be played on loop on Q101.2 by Paddy Hunter. Schools will have ‘Brooks days’ with children wearing stetsons and cowboy boots, maybe even every day. The Thunder Rolls will be blasting from young lads’ cars at night. This is a disaster.”
Edendork butcher Johnny Nelis admitted he’s beside himself:
“I can’t sleep. Aaaarrrggggggghhhhhh”
Brooks has yet to announce any tour dates yet but Tyrone officials are sure he’ll play at the new Garvaghey Complex in one of the 3G pitches.
Strabane Dentist Complains About ‘Worst Teeth In Europe’
Mr Sion Mills, 1998
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A dentist in the county has warned that unless dental health in Tyrone improves, he will move from the area and set up elsewhere.
Stephen McAdam, a dentist who has been operating a dental surgery in Strabane since 1998, said that he has had enough of dealing with diseased gums, decayed teeth, and morning-after breath.
“And that’s just the children”, complained McAdam. “The adults are even worse. You should see some of the ones coming into the surgery here in Strabane. They look like they’ve been eating coal their teeth are that bad. It would give you the heave. One boy who was in last week made Shane McGowan out the Pogues looks like the Colgate Kid. It’s a disgrace. I’ve had enough. Does no-one use a toothbrush these days? I’m fed up with picking bits of turkey out that have been there since last Christmas”.
The stressed dentist went on,
“It’s not just the teeth. I could contend with that. But it’s the breath as well. Has no-one heard of mouthwash? Some of the time I have to wear one of thon bio-suits like they wear when someone’s been slaughtered off the TV. I’m feckin’ swelterin’ in it. It’s beyond a joke. I had this wemin in last week from Edendork and she hit me with the worse halitosis I’ve ever smelt. And that was before she even got out her car. It was like something had died in her mouth. My eyes are waterin’ just thinking about it. I told her to go home and eat as much garlic, out-of-date eggs and fish as she could. It won’t cure the bad breath, but it might calm it down a bit. What are these people eating?”
McAdam claims he is virtually at breaking point.
“I had a lad in the chair from Sion Mills last week. I could hardly face it. I’ve never seen crooked teeth like it. He could have eaten a sandwich through a letterbox. Has no-one got decent gnashers or dental implants round here? I’ve heard them ones in Donaghmore have got lovely gobs, like the Americans. I’ve had enough. Much more of this and I’m going to start charging by the tooth”.
Tyrone Tribulations 